Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Parents are Irreplaceable (from Nahlawi)
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa
salatu salam ala un mursaleen Weida Annie he or Safi or Baraka,
seldom at the Sleeman girthier en la Iommi, Dean Amma beret.
Today, I just want to quickly
you've probably heard these things quite often. But what I want to do
today is that there's a great scholar, I've covered some of his
works before Imam Malawi, and he's got this book on ethics Kitab will
hover will Ibaka the huge section in there on ethics. And I want to
just quickly refresh our understanding of
dealing with one's parents. So the discussion is basically from a
slightly FICKY ethical perspective, but inshallah it will
serve to just refresh for us, it serves as a reminder really, and I
find it very useful sometimes because when we have our parents,
we take them for granted. And we sometimes become a bit lazy in
terms of our other than in terms of our value of our parents. So I
always find these discussions actually very useful to remind me
where my shortcomings are and what I can do better inshallah. So I'm
just going to cover it in his words and just comment where
necessary. Basically, the chapter here that he calls it a section
rather, it's called incidence, harm to one's parents incidents or
harm towards one's parents. So insolence harm, or lick
recalcitrance to one's parents, which in Arabic is called a Coco
holidayme is one of the greatest sins in Islam, it's one of the
severest enormities in Islam, like it's a big deal. It's a big
problem. Because it's the nucleus of entire the entire society.
It's a relationship which Allah subhanaw taala gives to us that
you can't change, you can't change your parents, you can change your
spouse, you can have new children, if you lose some children, you can
have more children, right, you can change friends, you can have
another business, you can buy something else, which is you know,
you can replace an object which is lost. But the one thing that you
cannot change in this world is your parents.
So that's a very important relationship that has to be
maintained. And clearly there are challenges in that because not
everybody is the same and not everybody is reasonable in their
approach towards things. So he starts off by saying that it's one
of the greatest enormities and major sins in Islam to have
incidents towards them. So he starts off that with a basis. And
then he proves that by saying Allah subhanaw taala says, that
your Lord has decreed that you worship none save him and that you
show beautiful kindness to your parents.
And if in your presence, one or both of them reach old age, then
don't say even off to them, no reproach them with force, yet
speak to them with noble and generous words. That's the normal
situation. That's the default situation. And that is what the
ruling is in the Quran. Then Allah subhanaw taala says, Walk fibula,
Huma Jenner has literally been a Rama will call Rob Durham, Houma,
Kamara, Bernie Sahira, which basically means in lower for them
the wing of humility, out of utter compassion, and then make the
following invocation of dua, which is Oh, my Lord have mercy on them,
just as they did when they raised me, just as they did meaning just
as they had mercy on me and acted with mercy towards me when they
raised me in childhood. So essentially, we're reciprocating,
were asking Allah subhanaw taala to reward them for what they did
for us. So this is essentially what Allah is telling us that we
must make dua for them Allah humara bit hammer home and there's
a DA that's mentioned in the Quran about that, or you can say it in
your own language. So now, how does insolence occur? How does
Rococo Diwali, Dana's in Arabic, it's called, how does that occur?
It occurs only when there is antagonism
when there's antagonism towards them, if they're not calling you
towards disbelief,
since if they're calling you towards disbelief and you reject
what they say you deny what they say, then that's completely fine
because there's no obedience to creation, when it entails
disobedience to Allah subhanho wa Taala because in the hierarchy
Allah comes first. I mean, in fact, the most in irreplaceable is
Allah subhanaw taala. He comes first. And we don't even have to
be here He created us. And then comes His Prophet. So our
obedience to Allah is primary, then to His Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam, and both of those. Both of those obedience is
essentially the same. They're going to be synchronized because
whatever is the satisfaction of Allah
subhanaw taala that will be the satisfaction of the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa salam, they're completely synchronized,
and in tandem, there is never going to be a difference. But the
third in that hierarchy, it's Allah, the Prophet, Allah and then
our parents.
But in terms of our parents, when compared to the first two, there
can be differences. Sometimes parents are very upset when we do
something against culture, because that is what they think is going
to bring them down and cause them some kind of embarrassment. And
it's completely fine. If you do something against Allah, that's
not a problem for them. Some parents are like that, that they
only have a problem when there's embarrassment towards them or
their family or their culture, even if that culture is anti
Islamic.
So that's where generally the challenge comes about.
Allah subhanaw taala mentioned in the Quran, this turmoil or tension
between the parents and Allah subhanaw taala says if the two of
them meaning your parents strongly urge you to associate with me,
that which you have no knowledge of, and you will never have
knowledge of anything besides Allah, because there is nothing,
right? So there are no partners to Allah, then obey them not. Allah
makes that very clear.
We're in Georgia, and to Cherie Kirby, Melissa Lika, be here. And
so then obey them not yet still give them good companionship in
life. Now, this is where he still says that, despite that tension,
you still have to have good companionship with them in life,
you still have to speak to them about other things, you still have
to look after them when they need when they are in need. You still
have to rejoice at the other happinesses you still have to take
part in their sorrow, you still have to serve them, bring things
for them.
obligations, that they have worldly things that they need to
be taken care of. You need to do all of those things. That's
besides the point now that's where the challenge comes. That if some
parents are unreasonable, they're telling us to do something which
is not religious. How do you in your mind? How do you
compartmentalize that? How do you isolate that, okay, I can't listen
to them in this, but I must listen to them in this because human
beings, they, they do things wholesale, right? If somebody
bothers us, the if somebody has benefited us for years and years
and years, and then they do one thing which is wrong. We basically
forget everything of the past, we can't separate that in our mind
say look, this is just one point. Let us focus on everything else is
not as bad as that. So, let us not jump to conclusions, let us not
make judgments based on one occurrence or a few occurrences,
you know, compared to a whole life of nurturing whole life of care
and compassion and mercy that they've shown to us. That's why
Allah says yet still give them good companionship in this life,
even if they call even if they're telling you to do this brief.
So even Cofer does not allow for insolence. To the extent Imam
Mahala, he says that it is wajib and mandatory and a Muslim to
provide expenses for even his non Muslim parents, if they don't have
the capacity to earn for themselves.
If they physically cannot go out to work for whatever reason, and
they can't support them, then he is obliged to do that, even if
they're not Muslim. So when it comes to biology, a biological
relationship that is irreplaceable, that is unique, and
that is God given and that it cannot be transferred or changed,
that we need to maintain that and we need to fulfill that. And the
way to do that is if they are in need.
I mean, if the parents are not in need, then you're not obliged to
give them like a monthly stipend. That's not an obligation. By
default, it's when they don't have the money and they need it.
So if they're unable to earn, then we it's obligatory in YG, to
provide an expense for them, as well as in general to serve them,
be kind to them, and still visit them.
Of course, there will be exceptional cases, right? Where
you've got a parents who, if you go to the house, say, Look, if you
want to come here, you need to do Cofer, or you need to do this
crazy act or whatever it is, right? And you're always going to
be almost forced and compelled to take part in a haram activity,
then maybe you'll have to have a different kind of relationship,
you still have to have a relationship. Maybe you can have a
different relationship. You know, those kinds of things do exists
where it's so extreme, they've got extreme hatred.
Sometimes that can be the case especially with Converse, may
Allah make it easy for them, but a lot of the time it does ease out
and especially nowadays, many parents are quite okay with the
whole thing and they try to even accommodate in this kind of
situation.
Right. So that's why he says that then exception for the latter case
of being kind of visiting them is if he fears
that if he visits them, they might
influence him to leave Islam. And he's not very strong and he could
just going to force and it's just the compassion. Sorry, it's just
that he's going to feel emotionally blackmail to do so and
so on. Then Then he has to because his Eman is primary, because that
relates to his hereafter as well. And it relates to the right of
God. So in that case, it's permissible for him not to visit
them, rather than maybe speak to them on the phone or whatever the
case is.
There's a hadith on the authority of Abu Bakr Radi Allahu Allah,
that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, for all types of
sins, Allah Now this is frightening for all types of sins.
Allah delays, whatever He wills of the punishment, meaning
a lot of the punishment of it, Allah subhanaw taala will delay it
until the hereafter, you won't be punished in this world. So you
won't even know you've done something wrong sometimes. That's
I guess, maybe that's the danger danger in this except for the
incidents to one's parents, incidents to one's parents, such a
person Allah X dates, which mean he hurries up and he hastens
the punishment for him in this life before they're
so they get punished in this life. And if they don't get that, that
it's punishment for that reason, because sometimes we get
punishment. We don't know what it's connected to. Because we
don't think about it. That's why if we ever have a calamity, and it
seems like a punishment, we should actually start thinking, why was
that the case? What did I do wrong? That's a very healthy
attitude. Because if we don't, and we don't realize why it's
happened,
then we won't make Toba. We won't repent, we won't change and then
we'll have a punishment in the hereafter again. That's why it's a
good idea that anytime something goes wrong, we always think but
what did I do wrong? What could I have done wrong? Whatever it is
just make Toba.
This phenomenon, he says is observed amongst people and is
well known to be true, it's not something he has to prove. He says
it's mentioned in the Hadith, which is related by Musa Dhaka in
a methodical way Imam Hakim and ignore hybond relate that hadith
that the punishment will come in this world before death, right.
But it's also well experienced, everybody talks about these things
generally. So now, just a quick reminder of the rights a person
owes to his parents. Just a quick refresher of them. I mean, most of
us know these things, generally, it's just a reminder number is to
flatter them to make them feel good, to make them feel loved,
basically, to flatter them to say good things to them.
Show appreciation essentially, number two, this is very
interesting to not raise your voice above this.
To not raise your voice above this. Now that becomes sometimes
difficult. If parents become old and hard of hearing, then you
actually see a lot of children who are adults now older themselves,
and they will go and shout out to the parents. And for an onlooker
it it sounds a bit strange sometimes until they explain Oh,
because they can't hear properly. But it sounds rude. It just sounds
rude. Because when you speak loud, you have to speak harshly. To a
set with a bit of an edge.
Right to get the words through. It's very difficult to see it
speak softly, loud.
Now, what's very interesting is that just recently, somebody told
me about somebody he knows
that he knew this, that you should not speak loudly to your parents
and his mother, who was I think the only surviving parent, I
think,
was hard of hearing.
So he would go to visit her physically. And he would sit in
her company for for a long time, but he would not speak to her.
Because if he had to speak to her, he'd have to speak loud. And he
wanted to avoid raising his voice above hers.
So he would listen to her and he would just watch her he would not
say anything. And then after that he would spend long time on the
phone speaking to her.
So regularly, he would speak to her on the phone for for a very
long time. But whenever you would go to physically meet her, he
wouldn't say anything, because it was no point.
So just to avoid speaking loud, when he died, eventually, he died
a very good death. I think I believe it if I remember
correctly, it was in Ramadan. He died in a very, very good state.
Now the thing is that it's I mean, obviously in a case like that,
where you have to communicate with somebody who can't hear properly,
it's okay to speak a bit louder as long as you're doing it with the
right intention because intention matters and motive matters. But he
wanted to follow the letter of the law and that's what you call a
dub. You don't have to do this, but he wanted to do this. He
wanted to go the extra mile.
And what I want to explain is that in Islam the extra mile, right
doing something extra for the sake of the other than etiquette,
Allah subhanaw taala values those things. There's a value for these
things in this world because they just helped to create a better
society. So sometimes we
We think we ask the question to people, to other MA and to
scholars that is this wire job. Is this necessary? I've got this
exceptional scenario, what about this? Can I just take this leeway,
what you can from a FICKY perspective you can, but really
from an other perspective, if you don't have to, and if you can work
on the optimal, and the primary, and the etiquettes, Allah will
value that. Because at the end of the day, that has to come from a
state of the heart. And the state of the heart is more valuable to
Allah than even our actions. I don't mean to the exclusion of our
actions, a lot of people get that get that wrong, that it's just how
you feel. Now, if you feel very compassionate and good and love
Allah, but you it never translates into actions, it means that the
feeling of the heart is fake. It's not right. It's not sufficient.
That there's any factor, right? Or there's some kind of hypocrisy
there.
Right? So
it's when you try your best,
but your state wants that you would like to do even better if
you physically could.
Allah will value that a person who wants to pray but they're stuck in
traffic and there's no way they can stop. It's pouring out outside
and they miss the Last Supper everyday they get it they made the
effort, but today there's just extra traffic.
Allah subhanaw taala likes that person and loves that person more
than the monastic who was in Madina, Munawwara, who would go
for prayer in the masjid, because they had to otherwise they'd be
caught, they'd become known to be hypocrites. So he was praying all
the prayers with the prophets of Allah, Islam in masjid and
robbery. But Allah loves this other person better, who is living
in London or New York, or whatever it is. And he's missed his prayer
accidentally on that day because of this huge freak occurrence of
extra traffic. So at the end of the day, it's the state of the
heart in that context.
Otherwise, it's just wrong to say I've got a good state of the
heart, but I don't do anything with it. That's not you can tell
people I'm so kind and so generous I feel for you, but you never do
anything for them. Or I feel for the people of Syria, for the
people of Palestine, we never do anything.
That's just claims. It's a desire, but it's a latent desire that has
not given rise to anything that hasn't manifested itself.
So to not raise the voice above this, to not to not speak loudly
to them. Of course, as I mentioned, there are exceptions
where they have to be heard, then that's different, to obey them in
religiously permissible matters. For indeed, Allah's Good Pleasure
is in their pleasure. And his wrath is in their frustration,
anything permissible and religious that they're telling you to do.
And they want you to do in a particular way, it's good to do it
that way. Right?
And to not do things which would make them angry unless they're
being unreasonable, then don't make the judgment for yourself
that they're being unreasonable go and consult with a scholar that's
important to not ascribe one's lineage to other than the parents
to say I'm not that you're on somebody else's. Charlie, you know
about that, that's quite well known that that's a prohibition
because again, that's that is basically ingratitude.
That you're
disowning your own parents and trying to be somebody else's when
that's not the reality. Not you do this basically out of disdain for
them. That certainly brings Allah's curse. And number six is
to spend on on them from his wealth, as a person is not taken
to account for spending on his parents, as much as you spend on
your parents. It will never be considered a Seraph.
You spend on yourself for your your friends, and it's over the
top. It's beyond what's the norm and reasonable. You'd be sinful
because it's haram to do a Seraph interbreed, right, squander your
wealth and go extravagant. But with your parents, it's fine,
because you want to earn their
satisfaction. Number seven to gaze upon them with love, tenderness
and compassion.
For each gaze, for each gaze, he will be rewarded a righteous and
accepted hedge.
Now, essentially, how do you do that? If you're a bit embarrassed?
I mean, if you're going to sit in front of them, they're looking at
you and then you're going to give them this admiring look. That
might seem a bit awkward sometimes. Right? You might be
embarrassed to do that. So do it from the side when they're not
looking.
And think to yourself, I'm doing this, it will help to build a
heart. And of course, if they can see it, it's even better because
it makes them feel good.
And the benefit of this is that you get an accepted hedge reward
for that.
The number eight he says to not leave them for a military
expedition hedge or for safe seeking even sacred knowledge for
serving them is better than all of that. That is of course, if they
are in need of your help. Otherwise nobody would ever go to
study. Nobody would ever go out. Nobody ever go to Hajj. If it was
always better to say I'm just serving them.
This is obviously if they need and they helpless and they've got
nothing else, then your jihad is with them is to basically serve
them because they need you. And you're the only person in the
world that they have that's tied to them through Allah subhanaw
taala is biological gift.
Number nine is to not sit ahead of them in a gathering, which is just
to show respect number 10 is to not call them by their names
right to not call your mother or father by their name,
but rather say oh mother or father or some other some other
affectionate name.
Number 11 is to not proceed to not precede them in anything such as
eating, drinking, sitting speaking, let them start first out
of other
number 12 is Do not stare at them with a sharp look.
Especially if they say something that is bitter,
then we have a tendency just I mean, many of us have a tendency
that if something somebody says something bitter, we screw up our
face, we change the complexion, we change our
the way we look, we give a sharp look. So with parents, you just
have to be a lot more in control.
Number 13 is when they die, to pray the funeral prayer over them
obviously, seek forgiveness for them
fulfill any contracts that they had outstanding, or any bequest
that they had that would be also honoring them even after they're
there to honor their friends even after death. Can you imagine that
we're told that after your parents die, you have to go and honor
their friends, which means you visit them and you continue a
relationship with them.
If you have to do that with their friends, then when they're alive,
then can you see the importance of doing that with them themselves.
If you have to worry about their friends afterwards. And what about
them themselves when they're alive
Subhan Allah maintain their kinship ties. So don't basically
give up all of your relatives once they're gone. Because they steal
your relatives, spend charity on their behalf, give charity on
their behalf sadaqa jariya, that is pray for them. And to believe,
to think in one's heart that I have fallen short of fulfilling
their rights when they were alive. Which then means that it'll just
help us to give more sadaqa and do good things for them and make dua
for them.
If one visits both his parents graves every Friday, it is written
that he was kind of dutiful to them. Right not sure if that's a
hadith or not, but it's mentioned that
it's a good idea to visit especially on Fridays, but
otherwise at any other time. And if you can't visit then you just
send some reward for them by doing a good deed like Salah called
something. So there you go. That's just a quick recap, and a reminder
Inshallah, because these reminders, inshallah will help us
to get stronger in our obedience to our parents and hopefully will
help us to remove the problems from any of that. And may Allah
subhanho wa Taala those the parents who still have May Allah
subhanaw taala allow us to show them the honor and respect and
fulfill their rights and make them happy with us. Oh Allah, make it
easy for them to be happy with us. And those who have passed away
then we ask Allah subhanaw taala to allow us to fulfill their
rights after their death by visiting their graves and to also
give sadaqa on their behalf to remind them remind remember them
to make dua for them. And may Allah make this easy for us and
may Allah then grant us a good progeny as well welcome Darwin
O'Neill hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen