Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – #parenting The Ideal Father
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AI: Transcript ©
But actually, why do you do have to focus on children, of course,
but now they're saying that the most important focus is actually
the wife, the husband wife relationship, if that is healthy,
and if that is working solid, and they're on the same wavelength,
they trust one another, they complement one another, that
tarbiyah which means nurturing the children will be solid. What is
going to benefit is that you're going to have a stable home and a
stable environment. When you have problems that husband and wife,
look everybody's going to have a little issues because every two
human beings that get together have issues. That's the that's the
norm by the way.
hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Maga Ruthie
Ramadan Lila Alameen wa ala early he or Sufi or Baraka was seldom at
the Sleeman cathedral Ilario Medina, a mother
Cole Allahu Tada for the unimaginable for carnal Hamid
well Lavina coluna Rob burner hob, Elena Amin as well Gina was RIA
Tina Kurata Yun Vijan Davina EMA so the cola will Aleem.
Oh dear brothers and dear friends and dear sisters,
dear
listeners.
This is the first time I'm discussing this topic in
particular, which is how to be an ideal father.
The ideal Father, what does it mean to be an ideal father so I'm
going to start with a verse in the Quran
where Allah subhanaw taala says, in praising the righteous people,
they're the ones who make this dua to Allah. So Allah is saying that
the righteous ones, Allah's righteous servants are those who
pray to Allah who make this dua to Allah, that our Lord grant us from
our spouses. Which means if it's men, then they'll say, grant us
from our wives,
could be one wife,
or more, it just depends on because Allah uses the plural. So
it just depends on what your situation is. And likewise, if
it's a woman, then she could be doing this for her for her spouse,
which is the husband. Then Allah says, what's the reality and our
descendants, Allah does not do things in limited ways. Allah is
infinite. So he's teaching us here, don't just make dua for your
children, like your immediate children that you can see, or your
grandchildren. Right that you will see as well. But make dua for your
descendants. Even after you're gone from this world, there's
going to be there's no stopping. Once you've got a few
grandchildren, there's no stopping them afterwards, there will be
gone on. And then on the day of judgment, we arrived, and there's
this huge army there who are these these are all your grandchildren,
not your brothers and your sisters, they are yours that have
their own sha Allah. So Allah is telling us to make dua for them.
So Allah is saying, Make dua, that these righteous people they do
this to our that make our Lord grant give us from our spouses,
and our descendants, those who are the gladness of our eyes, they
will make us happy when we look at them, they make us joyous.
Remember, these are righteous people looking at looking at them.
If it was mischievous people looking at them, then they'll want
them to be scammers and, and so on and so forth. And that is what
that is what will make them happy. But righteous people will want
their children to be righteous, and mashallah if your children you
can look at them and you can be satisfied by that beautiful as
well as you know, the Kurata Yun and then not only that make us
Imams. Literally, it's saying that every one of you can become an
Imam, every one of us can become an Imam, in our own capacity.
There may not be enough masajid around your area to accommodate
every one of us as Imams, but every one of our households, every
one of our households can be your place for your environment. Right?
And that is how it's supposed to be is what Allah is telling us.
That is what he's saying is that the righteous people, that's what
they make dua to Allah for. That you will become an imam in your
house. You want to become an imam in your house. Yep. Not just to
lead the prayer, but to lead the people. That's a very important
responsibility. Now beautifully Allah says that
what your own little muda Tina Imam the DUA is make us Imams, not
of scam artists, of bad people, but of the righteous people. So
inadvertently what you're saying is that make everybody that I'm in
charge of righteous. taqwa, taqwa, as they say McKean and make me the
Imam you've ever thought about the beauty of that door. That's every
one of you. You may not be an ad. You may never have left lead a
prayer, but you can be any mom because Allah has
Always in you to be the Imam if you're a father, you're an imam.
If you're a mother, you're an imam.
In a capacity Imam just means a leader.
And this is a Quran sanctioned leader,
not a self made leader. This is what Allah is telling us that
we've given you the opportunity to be an Imam, do this dua and then
if Allah accepts your mashallah you have a household full of MATA
team, and mashallah, there's people who are picking up on this.
There has been families, there's some families, they when they told
some parents they told that, you know, make your children have is
of the Quran, you know, start wearing a start having a beard
start being religious start covering up about 100 medically
scenic Exarchia in a year.
This doesn't run in my family, we never had a half is in our you
know, hundreds abducted area, but then he got Gosh, God or whatever
it is, right.
And subhanAllah what's amazing now, in this new world we living
in where you can do what you want, right, is that now there are
families that I know now within my lifetime, of nearly 50 years now,
I have seen families change from there never been in the history as
far as they know, ever been there in Ireland or harvest, or anybody
that actually was serious about their faith in terms of, you know,
proper covering and focus. And now mashallah every single child,
right in that family, you know, the second generation is all half
is of the Quran.
And the old covering up the old righteous. So you can change it,
it's in your hands, you are the Imam it can change. So stop
carrying on bad traditions and bad culture, make the change. You
don't have to do what, you don't have to be restricted. That's the
way of the people of Makkah.
Were not going to change. This is what we found our forefathers
doing, worshipping these idols. And we don't get it. We don't
understand it, but we're going to do the same thing. That's just
ignorance. Let's not perpetrate ignorance, let us change it. And
you know, once you change it, then you know that big army that you're
going to see on the Day of Judgment of your generations.
All the good that you initiated and they picked up and they
carried on, you're just going to line your grave and just getting
the investment on the Day of Judgment. Because men said no
sooner than Hasina.
Whoever initiates any good way. If you introduce in your family,
something good that they weren't doing. Yes, you will have to maybe
get some rebuke. In the beginning. People will say all sorts of the
club UNGA kiya hoga, to J. You know, what a Sufi Banga, you know
this than the other, they'll criticize you up as a cucumber
yet, or hamara, tariqa Ania, you know, and things like that. You
just have to do it, it takes a few months, you just have to have a
thick skin for a few months. And then after that, you will see
people feel guilty when they see their own doing something that
they should be doing. So that's why they have an opposition.
Usually, it's a psychological complex. You just have to be
stubborn. You know, like just just steadfast patience, asking Allah
for assistance. And then you will see within 567 months within a
year, you will change there'll be other people who stopped following
you because secretly they want to do it. There's people in your
family or in your circle who want to do it, but they don't have the
humor and Masha Allah, Allah gave you the HEMA hematol Ivanova you
know, be courageous people, because that's what we want our
children to be. So that is very, very important.
However, we do this for the sake of Allah, we're going to think of
this for the sake of Allah not to become well known or not to become
praised, or whatever, that if that comes from Allah Alhamdulillah. We
accept it. We benefit from it. We thank Allah for it. But our
purpose is to do this because we got a responsibility.
One of the biggest responsibility any person is given in this world
is to bring up the next generation. And how difficult is
that, but how important it is. Because if you don't have a next
generation, then that means the end of the human race.
If people stopped having children, then that means the end of the
human race.
If you get more focused on work or your career, then that means that
you don't have children. You don't leave a legacy. That's selfish,
because all you're focused on is yourself, your career, what you
can amass, but you don't want to work hard on leaving something
behind. You're gone from this world so you don't even care. At
least I enjoyed my well you only live once. Actually, you don't you
only live in this world once but mashallah, there's a bigger life
to come. So it's a very, very valuable idea that we have to
understand it's a big responsibility for the future. And
that future doesn't stop at your grandchildren. That future stops
on the Day of Judgment in
after we're gone, that's why we have to be really, really focused
on this. So that's why last is very, very important that we can
develop that sincerity. So our children develop that sincerity
because everything rubs off on to our children.
Right now what I'm going to do
is, I've got several points that I made for, for this session, they
might seem a bit random, we don't have too much time. So what I want
to do is I want to try to cover as many of those points, they may
sound a bit disjointed, but the benefit will be that we get
different points because I'm not sure which of them are more
relevant to some of you than to others. So inshallah they'll these
different points, Inshallah, we'll find them relevant. And then I
want to open it up to question answers, if I've left anything,
because you can't cover how to be an ideal father in an hour. Right
of your time, you just can't do that. Right? There's a lot lot to
being an ideal father. So I don't want to necessarily go from here
without having address a concern that you have, in your mind. Insha
Allah so token, Allah Allah, we ask Allah for assistance, blessing
in time, and benefit for all of us. So I would say one of the
first things to be an ideal Father, I'm not going to start
from marriage, like the beginning of marriage, because that's a
whole different subject. I've written a book on that, right. And
I've done several lectures on that already on zamzam Academy, you can
go and check those out. Today, it's specifically about the ideal
father, the ideal Father, to get it all right to be the ideal
father, you need to create an environment in your house where it
is ideal. And the only way you can do that, if you're a father, there
has to be a mother.
You can't be a father without there being a mother, at least in
Islam. Right. And there's going to be children. But if a lot of
research now shows before they used to focus, they used to say
focus on the children focus on the children. But actually, why do you
do have to focus on children, of course, but now they're saying
that the most important focus is actually the wife, the husband
wife relationship, if that is healthy, and if that is working
solid, and they're on the same wavelength, they trust one
another, they complement one another, that tarbiyah, which
means nurturing the children will be solid, what is going to benefit
is that you're going to have a stable home and a stable
environment. When you have problems that husband and wife,
look, everybody's going to have a little issues because every two
human beings that get together have issues. That's the that's the
norm by the way. The Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam once got
upset with his wives, and disappeared from them for 29 days,
slept somewhere else. That's the Prophet sallallahu sallam.
And he wrote the Allah Juan and his wife, Fatima, the Allah Juana
had issues every now and then just the human thing to do. The thing
is, how do we deal with it? How do we overcome it? How do we preempt
it so that it doesn't happen? That's important investment in
your spouse to get that relationship going, is the most
important because then you provide a stable environment. Otherwise,
psychologically, the children are affected. The mum is saying one
thing, the Father is saying something else. And then it gets
even worse. Sometimes the mums will speak about the children,
negative about their fathers, and the fathers will speak negative
about their mothers. That is, you got issues, don't bring that in
your children, because your wife is the child's mother. That's a
different relationship to your relationship with that woman. And
if you're a woman, your relationship with your husband is
very different from your child's relation to your to your to your
father, unless, of course there's clear abuse and you have to warn
that's a different issue. But in normal circumstances, don't be
cheap. And spoil the relationship. Don't be cheap. Like literally, to
spoil that relationship, because all you're doing is you're gonna
give your children a lopsided
tarbiyah if you can even call Atari a lopsided a stilted
upbringing. What does that mean? Unfortunately, now we have many,
many women in the community, who are divorced from their husbands.
And because the country laws support the women in terms of who
takes charge of the children. They literally deprive the husbands of
seeing their children for years and years and years and they fight
court cases they spend huge amounts of money, then they get to
see him a few times and then a wife causes a bigger issue,
because she wants to get back at this husband who gave us some
grief. Whether it was from him or not is not the issue, but maybe
even so. So then they deprived thinking that I want to keep them
away from what she considers a monster.
And what's happening is that the children are only getting one
energy, which is the mother's energy. And that's not enough. It
is important to have the mother's energy absolutely necessary. But
you also need the father's energy. People born in state
Even healthy environments with both male and female energy from
both parents are a lot more stable than those who get just one
energy. There's a report, there is an interview, actually, that I saw
of a woman who was actually brought up by two mothers, the
modern idea of two mothers. And she says while they were wonderful
women, but I was deprived of a father's attention. And that is
necessary because that's Allah's Nirvana and system, you need both.
So keep that in mind. That also gives us another responsibility
that the father can't be just the bank.
He can't just be the investor, you know, out somewhere investing,
money making hustling to get lots of money, and then they just
basically like an ATM, that they just keep taking money from him,
they do their own thing, and there's no attention, because
that's also an ideal father is one who looks after both. Who looks
who looks after the whole, he's the captain of the ship. That's
the Imam of the MATA Hakim, he is the Imam and the wife is then the
imam in her department. So everybody has their department,
the wife is going to spend more time with the children. So if the
husband wife relationship is good, and the tarbiyah is seen to there,
then mashallah, it's wonderful. If the wife is a happy woman, she is
going to be better with the children than if she's upset.
Because they usually usually spend more time we're not trying to say
that you must spend a same amount of time.
We're not saying that, but it has to be both. They both have to take
part.
Then what we have is the more practical level, we have to have
wisdom in this case. And as
Allah subhanaw taala says, When you tell Hikmah forgot who to hire
on kathira. Do you guys know what wisdom means? When when you tell
hikma forgot who to hire on kathira? Whoever is given wisdom,
they're given a huge amount of goodness, wisdom is all good.
Goodness is wisdom. And Wisdom means
how do you do something in the best possible way, most
appropriate way, most practical way, most effective way, I could
have a lot of knowledge. But if I have no wisdom, I don't know how
to deliver that knowledge to you, I won't do it effectively,
somebody will have less knowledge, but they know exactly what to say.
And how much to say and how to say it. So wisdom is about managing
various different things and trying to get the right outcome in
the right way. And a father has to have that because he's got
balancing his wife, he's balancing his children, and all of the needs
and everything and he's trying to get it right. So if we can give be
given balance of how to do things in the correct way, Subhan Allah,
Allah says, You've been given a lot of goodness, if you have been
given this Wisdom. So now what that requires is that a father
needs to understand all of his households, personalities, their
weaknesses, their qualities, their capabilities, their strengths, and
their weaknesses, and then try to put that all together, to
reinforce their strengths, and try to let them overcome their
weaknesses. So now, what I'm going to let you into is that one thing,
if we didn't recognize this already, it's a very interesting,
every one of our children, right, so much other young brothers
sitting here. And every one of our adults, every human beings are
born from Allah subhanaw taala. And Allah gives them a package
deal.
So we're born with obviously physical limbs and eyes and so on,
right? So that's the physical package we get. Then there's
another package that Allah gives us of software.
This is the hardware right? Allah gives us software, every one of
us. What do you mean by software? So Allah gives everybody certain
capabilities. It's the same three children, brothers and sisters,
their brothers and sisters, same parents. In fact, some of them
there's two of them, they're twins. They came from the same
womb at the same time, eating the same food, same tarbiyah.
Everything same exposure, but they have complete different
personalities. Have you noticed that? That is Allah's way of
making everybody unique? Yes, within certain family, there'll be
a common personality, maybe a common trait in something. But if
you look at a family of three or four children, you'll see one of
them is a bit quicker than others. One's a bit slower, one's a bit
faster, right? One is a bit smarter, and the other one is less
smarter, but one is more compassionate and the other one is
less compassionate. One has more empathy cares for others, and the
other one is a bit more selfish. Okay, one will share his last
sweet with you and other one will not share his last week. Would you
give your last week to somebody when you're at the end of the
package? Yeah, would you as well? Like would you genuinely do so you
just say
And yes, I would like to you do? Have you ever done it before?
Yeah, okay.
What about you Mr. Red Minecraft?
Yeah, yeah, even your last week you'll share it if they're really
nice sweets and you really want it.
Masha Allah, Allah bless you Hamdulillah. So you know what I'm
saying, but some will not. They just naturally tight, I'm not
going to blame the kid for that, and we do is, you're stingy know,
what we do is that Allah has created them that way. I mean,
many of us are stingy, or that we have that stingy, straight
compared to somebody else. Our job and that's what Allah does. He
gives you a package of good and a package of challenges. Our job is
to find within us and of course, within our children, what are
their capabilities, some people like better with their mind, the
better at maths, others, they hate maths, they're better at making a
making some design or something, right? Or they like to bang wood
together. So they like more into carpentry yawns and Allah crates,
so let's find what our energies are, and of our children, and help
them to determine their capabilities and to use them. And
we know where their capabilities or their energies, let them down,
sometimes. Some are too sensitive. Some our kids get angry too
quickly, we need to learn that and talk to them about anger issues.
That's the father's job is to figure this out.
Right? One of them they start crying easily. So we need to speak
to them about that find the best way to sort that out
their weaknesses, we have to learn to help them control it because if
we don't they become losers in this world.
Among us here, many people consider themselves successful in
a sense that you mashallah, you know, you have a family, you have
a decent job, you have a decent place to stay, that means you're
successful. We're not telling you to become Bill Gates, but you're
successful, in the sense Alhamdulillah Busara Hora
accuracy, you know, like, I'm living a decent life that's
successful.
So you've used your energies to figure that out Hamdulillah,
that's what we've done, I found that I'm good at this. That's how
I can earn my living. That's how I can be in this world. Have we
figured out our weaknesses and sorted them out? Or do we do they
still cause us troubles? A father's job, if we had good
therapy that would have been sorted out by now.
Because our father and mother would have told us about it. Maybe
they did tell us about, we were rebellious. One day, it has to
have effect. So that's why it's very important for parents, and
for father to be a very wise person in that sense. Right. And a
wise person here means for his family, that they trust in His
judgment. If there's an issue, they're going to go to him for a
judgement. And they trust in His judgment, because he's balanced in
his judgment. He's not going to be selfish in his judgment.
Allahumma salli ala Sayyidina. Muhammad, the father's job as an
ideal father is to balance the family because he has been given
the responsibility of being the one in charge of the house.
Right? You're preparing for that right now? You're not a father
yet, but that's what you're preparing for. Allah says in the
Quran, Regina Raukawa Munna Allah Nisa, Bhima Fidel Allahu Allahu
Mata about where Bhima and Saco women Ahmadi him.
Men are the word what's the word? Men are called Moon men are the
ones who take care, they're responsible. They're the ones who
have to stand up with the responsibility. The concept of
Kawa Moon comes from the concept of PR, which means to stand up
with a responsibility. It does not mean a dictatorship.
It does not mean that you come home and everybody has to do your
Hickmott.
I mean, they can if you're nice enough. Absolutely. You know, they
feel and they just want to do your hikma. Bismillah accepted.
But you can't. That's not what it means to be the father. But you
must just be silent. Everybody in front, I must get to eat first.
And you must do is just wait around and do nothing and
everybody must be silent. Because then you're going to have people
living two lives when you're here and when you're not there, and
it's going to be very miserable when we're there at home for them,
at least for us, mashallah, you know, but that's only gonna last
for so long. Because eventually everybody grows up, and they
become rebellious in that sense. That's why our job is to run it in
a way that we're responsible. And say you will call me howdy
Muhammad, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said that you want to be
the leader of a people and you're a leader of your family, then you
are the hardest.
Were there they're serving, it's our essentially means the buck
stops with us. For example, if I can't find a decent teacher, mcta
madressa school teacher to teach my children, I'm still going to be
responsible. I can't complain to Allah, that a teacher wasn't a
good teacher. Well, you should have been following up. You should
have found a better teacher.
Ultimately, as parents, our response is a tough
responsibility. But mashallah, why not?
Those people who refuse to have to
Hold on, because they so inward looking the you know, the feminism
that you know the second wave feminism that have come about
women not needing men and not having to have children, those
same feminists today after 30 years, and 40 years are miserable,
because they're alone. They're lonely.
They never had children, when a woman gets to the age of 4050,
when a man gets to that age,
you need people you need your own people around you and what a
blessing that is. If we've done the Tobia, we can then enjoy that
investment, and reap of it for the rest of our lives. Another really
important point is that a lot of us don't understand the half
forgotten, right Hamdulillah, to a certain degree, have forgotten
when we were children.
We don't want to act like when we were five years old, some people
still do that, right. But the majority of people, they forget
how they were at the age of five, and six needs to cry, because
their brother took something of theirs, and the mother used to
come and help them. We know how to do it differently now. But
for our children, we can't treat them like adults, a lot of us, we
want them to grow up faster, we want them to be more mature. So we
start treating them like adults. And our expectation from them is
the way my friends or my students at university or my colleagues or
at work or whatever would respond. And I would get that kind of
response, except expect that from my children who are still six and
seven years old, I'm not going to get that these are children. So
somehow, we have to dig back down of how when we were six, and seven
and what worked and what didn't work, we tried to help our
children avoid the mistakes we made. Right? What we got away
with. And I believe that if you're doing your best, you'll actually
be a better parent than your father and your mother.
Especially in this country, in where we are right now, what do I
mean by that? My parents didn't know that much English, they did
not understand the culture because they were born in a village. And
then they came here. So they came here in the adulthood. Right. So
for an adult to understand the culture, right?
At least, growing up culture is very difficult, because they've
not been through it. They know English, they know what happens
around corners and shops and things like that.
But when we have been brought up in this country, where most likely
we know what we can do, like, let's just take technology, for
example.
The older phones they don't know much about taking so kids can have
so much on their phones, and they won't even know they'll hide
everything.
But now people are more technologically aware, so then
they can check it out.
So it should only get better, or easier or other. Right? So you
could do a better job. That's why what we need to do is treat our
children like children when they are growing up, but not for too
long. So you know, when when children are young they use we use
certain terms like baby words, instead of
dude, you say Do do something like that. Now, how long are you going
to keep saying that word for?
How long? Are you going to keep breastfeeding?
Some guy called me at some issues. I don't want to bring up the
issues. And I said, But where's your wife?
Why don't you have a relationship? Is there Well, my six year old
daughter still sleeps with us.
I said you know what? Get out of your bed. Or she doesn't want to
she doesn't like sleeping alone. I said, Well, you spoiled her.
You still got a six year old in the bed, like your relationship or
game key. And that's what he's complaining about. I said It's
haram for you to have your daughter in your bed with the
issue that he had at least I won't share that right now. Get out of
your bed, right? six year old should not be in your bed, how
long you gonna keep her in there for?
Because if she has been there for six years, how long is it going to
carry on?
You have to get them used to it. And mashallah children learn these
things. So that's the father's response to understand the
children. I know a lot of this stuff applies to the mothers as
well. But since we got since the topic is father's, and the women
who are listening, they can apply it to themselves. It's not a
problem. But there are some things in here that I'm saying, which are
unique to fathers, because they have been given this
responsibility.
So not to speak to the children as though the adults too early so
that we can relate to them and they can understand what we're
talking about and they can process this information.
A father's job then is like a
leader who has to balance the needs and the demands and the
requirements and the issues of the whole family. He can't be part of
the problem. He has to be the last resort that okay, there's that
same voice, that sensible voice. Right. And I know these are ideas
that we're talking about how to get about doing that is that don't
get involved in every little petty issue.
I have a structure at home where the mother does, because she
usually does. And you step in when you have to, but don't leave it
too long, otherwise, you'll become irrelevant as a father. And I will
guarantee you this, if you make this effort and be a good father,
that ideal Father, for your first one or two children, then the rest
of the children will, you will be assisted by these older children.
That's just what happens there as your system by them, you've passed
on your wisdom to them, and your ability to them.
For example, if you have a lot of daughters, and they like to be
very chatty, and they might bicker with one another, and sometimes
they might, for example,
have little arguments with the mother, as they get older, we get
teens, the father's responsibility is to make sure that he balances
that out. And he stops it in good time, if it's getting too far.
So
usually what happens is that the Father is the more authoritative
figure authoritarian figures sometimes, right. And they're more
scared of him. Whereas the mother is usually the softer
compassionate, that's how Allah has made them. So sometimes they
get taken advantage of they get abused, sometimes father's
responsibility is not to let the mother get abused, or to be walked
over, to hold her dignity up and help her develop that in the in
the minds of the children. And one woman constantly says that, if we
ever spoke when we were young, if we ever spoke back to my mother,
my dad would just we'd get in big trouble.
We'd get in big trouble. Because the father was there to reinforce
her position.
Now, yes, you do get the opposite case. In some cases where the
mother is the rough and tough one. And the father is a bit of each
other. Right? We do get that but that's an exceptional case. Okay,
Allah Tala. You know, Allah, Allah give him strength. But usually,
usually it's the father who has that more authority. That is the
most scary one. And sometimes it's the opposite. But the father has
to make sure that he doesn't allow the mother to be disrespected.
A little banter is understandable. We're living in a home minister,
understandable, but no disrespect. Father's responsibility is to
maintain that. It's very important. Now, if you have more
daughters, that's going to provide a different challenge. If you have
more daughters, as a father, we've never been a woman don't want to
be a woman. Not that it's bad. But we've never been a woman don't
want to be a woman will never be a woman. So you don't know what it
means to be a woman.
I know nowadays, a rich man's game is that you can take certain pills
and operations and you know, go that way. But that's not the
point.
Ultimately, we don't know what it means to be a woman or a girl or a
teenage girl, especially. How are you going to figure that out?
That's a tough, very tough like, I don't understand her.
Boys, you might even understand because we've been a boy like
we've been used before. So you can even understand it. But you can't
even because our term can be very different from us.
Our children can have very different mentalities than us.
They're unique. They share some things, but not everything. And
every one of our children be different. So how do we do this?
Well, we speak to the mother we speak to others about those who
have daughters similar their challenges, and it's good to have
a small network small group of people with similar age children
to share good practices, how to deal with challenges, and you
today, mashallah, you can just type it in and get so much,
mashallah guidance in this regard. How do I deal with teenage
daughters just put that up in a search bar, and you will see so
much coming up. And it's not all necessarily relevant or useful,
but you will find a lot of relevant, but if you don't do
this, we're going to be stuck, then we're going to do it in our
own haphazard way. And that's going to be incorrect. Women go
through a lot of hormonal changes.
They have different temperaments. They react differently. They want,
they interact differently. When they have an issue. Men like to be
sometimes silent brood over it, whereas girls, they might like to
chat about it. Sometimes we're gonna have to just listen.
They just want to listen, just want to hold their hand and listen
to them. That's it. That's all we need to do. Okay, another one,
which is very much the province I was on one against this
is that
as a father, what we have to be very fair and just and balanced in
the way we approach, especially with different children. Again,
this is a parenting issue, but very important that there is a
person that the Father is seen as somebody by them so we can't be
giving more gifts to one child over the other. I mean, that's
really bad. Right? Yes, an incentive for something that is
available to everybody's alright. Another one is that
You speak about the evil of others in a very bad way to put another
one down in front of the other.
That's very, very harmful. Yes, we may tell somebody off in front of
the other that we do that all the time, hey, why didn't you do this?
When you clean up, understand? And why do you always do this, but
then for the sake of putting somebody down completely, we
shouldn't even be doing that in that way anyway, especially we say
it in front of another than that's actually planting the seed of
hatred, and of superiority complex. And especially if we
making unless we're doing it for the sake, look, he doesn't know
you better not do it that way, as well.
So that has to be done in a way that you don't create animosity
between the children themselves. In we were studying with one of
our teachers. And sometimes in the class, you have to explain
something, right. And you give an example of something. If ever, any
of the students gave an example, using a negative example, using a
guy, you know, one of the classmates, the teacher would get
very angry. So that is how you create animosity between you by
giving those examples. You want to give a bad example, give it about
yourself, don't give it about another person.
So I'll MUSAWAH will Adam equality and justice is very important for
us to be ideal parents.
Now, the real job distinctive from the mother's job of a father,
which is necessary and that's why in Islam, if there is separated
parents, Allah has allowed the promises and allowed our Islam
allows the woman to keep the children, the boys until they're
seven as the primary carer, not the exclusive carer, but the
primary carer, and the girls until they're nine as the primary carer,
then it's the responsibility of the Father to become the primary
carer. Now I know that doesn't usually happen because the father
usually busy and they allow the the ex wife, the mother to carry
on becoming the Friday carer as long as you know, they get access,
and so on. But that's the way why is that the case? Because women
teach feminine traits to the women to the girls. And both our sons
and daughters need to learn what it means to be feminine, because
they're going to be dealing with women all their life, even even
the sons are going to be dealing with women. They don't know what
feminine traits are. They don't know how to treat a white wife. So
the mothers have to teach them this is women.
But once that's happened, there are traits within the man that has
to be passed on as well as the father's job in things like
responsibility, not to say the mothers can't teach that, of
course they can. But the father's job is the overall. And his
teachers brought his sons and daughters responsibility, bravery,
taking calculated risks, not to say the mother can't do that. But
this is usually the man's responsibility. And very
important, we need to teach them things that are responsibilities
of men like fixing things,
how to deal with guests how to pay bills, as they get older. It's
very important.
We need to in fact, somebody comes to our door, and the child opens
the door. He's like who like grunts a few things and goes away
doesn't know what to say to them. We need to teach our children this
from before of how you're supposed to somebody come uncle, how are
you? Would you like to speak to my dad, he's not here today. He's not
here. But can I give him a message?
You know, like in that kind of a confident way. That's our
responsibility.
One thing that we have to realize is that, as a father, you only get
one shot. You can't reverse the time, hey, become an infant.
Again, I'm going to start again, let's do this again. You can't you
can do that to other kids, to newer children. But you can't do
that to the same children. And why be a failure.
And it's never too late to, to, to rectify if we've done wrong. And
you know, it is a challenge. It's not easy. It's a challenge. But
the fruits of it are amazing in this world. And then in the
Hereafter, as I explained at the beginning, remember that you only
get one shot shot at this. And your children will only have that
one father, when they brought up and you know, it can be changed.
But usually whatever has happened during the young age, they
remember that for the rest of their life, then you just have to
do double the effort to try to change that perspective. And
develop that relationship. It's not easy, but that's why the last
point I'm going to make, when I do is going to be about da because
that is if we're doing our best, then the DUA is what is going to
fill in any gaps that are left. You understand what I'm saying?
Physically, practically, we do our best, while learning as much as we
can to do our best, but we are weak. And the challenges are huge,
especially in this country, the modern world we're living in,
right not just in this country, the modern world. You know whether
you're sitting in Pakistan is still a modern world now. It's
with the social media and every that's everywhere.
So our dua has to be the one that then provides the background
energy right and fills in any gaps and we leave it to Allah subhanaw
taala after as long as we've done our best we leave the rest to
Allah and then Allah will definitely look after us. Their
story told about his woman who came into a masjid right. And some
of the other women there is like why are you so polish on if he was
an Arab country? I don't think they said polish on but it's just
such a cool word. That is right. Why are you so polish on? Like,
why are you so miserable like that your face and everything said
because I my my son is like this. He doesn't listen this that and
the other Subhanallah this other woman? She said, You know what? My
son was like that. But that was I made today he's the Imam of this
Masjid. You know, the Imam of this message he is was exactly like
that. You know? So that's why we're after living in this world
for you know, a number of years and seeing so many students. You
know, when I see a little kid who's a bit of a mischief, I don't
write them off anymore.
Because I know today there are a lot of very effective orlimar who
used to be mischief used to be mischievous. not evil, but
mischievous. Alright, musty hole when they were young and today
mashallah, look what they're doing. They're musty is amazing
today. You understand what I'm saying? Evil is one thing that's
something Allah protect us from evil, right? But mischief, semana
Allah
just being the children, sometimes some are very calm, and some are
very active, and they like to mess around a bit. And British aren't
gonna local you know, either, either. You know, as they say,
some I don't know why I'm using Oh, to do a lot today. Right? But
it's nice. hamdulillah right. You can't beat certain words like
this. Can you like, masha Allah? So Allah hu Akbar. Remember, you
chose to bring them in this world. So now it's your response, just in
case like, why is my resume you chose to bring them in the world.
You should have stayed celibate
should have married books,
or something else. Right?
You've chose to bring the dam in this world. And that is what Allah
wants anyway, so just do it well, and do it properly. Now, an
interesting thing is remember, all the good things your father did
for you?
That you remember that makes him you know, the few things, a lot of
things and do those things. And remember all of the bad things, or
the not so good things, or the things that you did not enjoy and
avoid those in your own children.
I mean, we're gonna that's one place we can all learn from, can't
we? I can learn that what happened to me? Well, let me be better than
that. I definitely use this strategy in teaching, what I
enjoyed from my teachers what I found effective, I tried to use
that what I found not to be so effective. I try to avoid that
myself. Allah give us success. But we have to find a role model we
have to find ways of doing this to the best because we only get to do
it once and is the responsibility and we will be gripped in the
hereafter because Allah says yeah, you have ladina Hamanako and Fusa.
Comb. What are the common Nara are people who believe protect your
families from the Hellfire yourselves and your families. It's
a responsibility. There's no escape from it. Actions speak
louder than words. And
the most important thing that we'll do is the dua
that is the most important thing that we'll do, but do out on its
own and just enjoying life without let and allowing our children
we're like farmers, we're responsible. Otherwise, we're
going to let our children grow up like weeds all over the place.
Rather, you want your garden, your flower bed to be beautiful and
curated and look nice. And that's our children like our flowers.
When at whatever age it is. And may Allah give us that Tofik lucky
with that one, Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen Yes, brothers, any
questions? So sisters, you can just flip it around. But one day I
will do a discussion about how to be a good mother. Right as best as
I can after consulting my wife, as in your how to be a good mother.
How can he have the right to do that?
So yes, well there's any questions Yes.
That's a good point. That's a good point. How do you remain to an
ideal father when you only got
you you only get access to the children you know, few hours a
week or a day or two a week?
And again, there's a lot here again, it's it's a difficult
conversation difficult I don't have a solution because it is it
just depends on your setup now.
And we're not It's not like we have to now try to rub it into
Hey, you made some bad decisions getting the right wrong kind of
person to marry to or you are the wrong person. And that's not the
point. No, no, it's just you do the best that you can. So whatever
I said there is no magic to this. Even when the husband wife or
together is difficult when husband wife and not together and one is
playing
The other, a lot of times I've had it where the father is trying to
do some tarbiyah. And he's being strict, and the mothers, indulging
the child, giving them all sorts, letting them wear what they want
go out when they want, and then they that just makes them look
bad. You again, the only thing that can help you in that case is
you do the best that you can. But you still have to show that you've
got some ethics, because if you want to go down that way, then the
children have nothing. Right? Now, they might not like it, they will
not like it, they will not like the strictures that the father or
the mother, whichever one it is, and that case will put up. But
ultimately with your daughters, and that one day, they will see
the benefit. It's just that sometimes you just have to ride
the storm. There are cases I've seen where the father could not do
anything, if he tried to do anything, the care workers or
whatever would come in and stop him from seeing them. So now what
are you going to do?
So you have to just be wise as possible to try to do the little
that you can and keep making dua and hopefully your daughter will
inshallah bear its fruits. So in a few years when they get old
enough, and they'll understand looking back that yes, this was
wrong, because ultimately, everybody will realize, right,
everybody realizes when they get old enough, where the mistakes
were made, that it wasn't good for me to be given so much allowance
to do what I wanted. It's just a tough place to be. But I don't
have a there's no magic to this. Right now. I don't think anybody's
got any magic in that case, just do your best. And if you do have
specific cases where you just don't know what to do in that
case, consult with somebody. So I would say ask and get help,
because there's a lot of other people in the same case as you and
inshallah the door keep the doors up. You had a question? I can't
answer that question is too broad. You understand? I can't you know,
in a short time, I can't answer general open ended question like
how do I prioritize between my parents who live with me on my
channel live with me, give me an instance give me like a specific
case scenario. So I can help otherwise, it's very difficult. I
can I can tell you what the technical aspect is the inertia
our responsibility. Interestingly, let's just say a person has only
10 pounds.
Right? 10 pounds and people are hungry. His parents are hungry and
cost him 10 pounds to feed his parents is a five pounds batch
bond.
Now he can either buy food just for his children or just for his
parents. Who is it his responsibility to buy food for his
parents are children? What do you guys think?
Can't hear? Okay, who says Father? Put your hand up? Hello. Hola.
kotula on a given day to three who says children?
All right. So yeah, that's right in the city, your children come
first understand not to say you neglect your parents. But if it
was one of those cutting edge options, your response for your
children because they have only you raise your father may have
somebody else or whatever the case is, right? So that's just a
technical aspect. In that situation, if you do are in that
position, you just have to balance both out. And again, that just
depends on the massage of the Father. And it you know what he's
doing and how because it's very difficult now to determine
anything if the father is constantly in
disturbing the scene. What do you do is asking for too much
attention you can't it just depends on what the issue is. You
see what I'm saying? It's very difficult to give you a
straightforward just one one word answer to that. Verse 74 OF SWORDS
tool for con Robina haeberlin I mean as well as you know whether
Tina Kurata or even what your little Medaka you know, ima
another another beautiful day in the Quran is rugby journey mochi
masala tea or in theory your tea Robina with a couple of Allah make
me of those who established the prayer and my from my progeny. And
a guy who does that he tells me that I was from a very strict
household as well. But he said that I used to still mess with my
prayers but my children are much better at their prayers than I am
I think he says because of this to our absolute took note to be a
father there are other dogs as well but these can't be harmful
because one Allah then you're inadvertently or indirectly asking
for children so you can make these as well. And there's others as
well as rubella tourney Furthermore, and the Hyrule worthy
theme, a number of other doors as well. Right? So I would make all
of them ask everything and I'm gonna just Yes, and then I'm
secret because we have to finish them. Yes. That is such an
idealistic question. Right Allah make it easy, right? Why isn't
your wife on the same Why did you not choose a wife that was on the
same? I don't want to be bad here. But why did you not choose a wife
that was on the same level as you?
It has to start earlier. Right? You have to find somebody that are
you know, what is your massage? What do you want? What's your
ambition goal? Find somebody like that. But anyway, that's done now.
Work on your wife. That's why I said right in the beginning of the
video prepare a man at girl otherwise anyway
batanga Chai
Sangha God
started
watching Mashallah. MashAllah tell him the day rubbish mashallah
yes
yeah it look it just make a Just tell him to focus on his wife so
brother if you're listening let's make manat on the wife first
because escape again combinated ago because if we don't sort that
out then there's no way yeah so like we said an easement, right?
It's just that we have to now make effort because the father is
responsible I talked about a father remember, but a father is
also a husband that's another responsibility right we keep
talking about unity right but that's another responsibility is
as a father what as a husband What's your responsibility? So
that we will celebrate the other man it can be pretty and then
inshallah Allah and make a lot of dua to Allah that do I mentioned
Warby Parker Robina, Hublin. I mean, as far as you know, the
reality in our Kurata Yeah, yes. So a father's love a soulmate in
our love is expressed in different ways. Okay. And there's a lot of
things I missed out, this is not a comprehensive enough talk, right.
So I probably missed that part out. Everything we're doing here
is for the love of the children.
Direct Love, where we literally give them hugs. And I think that
was a big omission on my part, right. So thanks for bringing that
up. The father also should be giving the children hug.
Right? And should also show their physical love. Because a lot of in
our culture,
the love is shown through caring therapy that strict being strict
buying things for them. But some people don't recognize that they
think that their friend at school, their father hugs them every day,
or says I love you. And my father has never said I love you in my
life. You understand? So I think we do need to do that now. Right?
There was a culture where did did not happen and it was not
necessary. Right? I don't think I've seen the process of saying I
love you as such. But he definitely picked up Hassan and
Hussein we we see more of that discussion. Because now you know,
meaning his grandchildren for sure. So we do have that and the
person used to even hold them in solid and look after them. So I
think we need to do more of that. That's very important, I think
because I think today it needs to be reinforced because there's
others who do this as well. And we don't want our children to feel
left out and we don't want our love to be misunderstood as no
love that is just too strict because it keeps them so it does
not care for that.
Okay, brothers sisters, I would have loved to have stayed for
longer, we got another program in in Grindstone wherever that is,
right. So inshallah we'll be going there but knockaloe Here, Allah
Allah bless this time that we had. And while myself I didn't let me
answer your question.
Next time next time the whole topic on that, sha Allah make
though I'm writing I've written a book on marriage, but no
Inshallah, my foot I said, I'm not going to write a book on bringing
up children till my first son gets married. And Hamdulillah he just
got married and Shala about 40 50% of the work is done to make dua.
Right. And I've learned from your questions today. Okay, Jessica
lockira Baraka la vie. C'mon Allah bless everybody. And Allah Allah
Allah except from all of us. And Allah Tala make this job easy for
us. Yeah, Allah Ya Allah make this job easy for us. Yeah, Allah you
have blessed us with children. And Allah there's so many people who
don't have children, they're suffering. Oh Allah, they are so
anxious of Allah they feel so deprived of Allah Now that you
have granted us children, grant them children as well. And Allah
grant us children that are the gladness and coolness of our
sites. Allow us to be truly the Imams of our families, and make
them McDuck in and make us the Imams of Turkey. Allow us to be
the heart him of Allah allow us to look after them properly. And
Allah make this job easy for us. There are so many challenges to
the Allah, Oh Allah we also remember our brothers and sisters
who are being oppressed in in Palestine and other places. Oh
Allah, remove that from them. Give them their dignity, all of those
children who have been killed of Allah those children who are
suffering of Allah, grant them stubborn steadfastness, and grant
them much better than what they've lost. And Oh Allah, we ask that
you keep Islam in our progeny, and you keep Islam and though he then
reserve and righteousness in our descendants until the day of
judgment, and allow us to on the day of judgment be satisfied with
what we see our Allah make this easy for us and bless all the
bronze sisters here. Take this message from strength to strength,
remove all of the difficulties and obstacles and allow us to complete
all of our projects with success and elevate your Kenema Illa Illa
Allah and send your abundant blessings in our messenger
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, one of our brothers here
who helps in the masjid one of the volunteers his mother has had a
stroke. Yeah, Allah grant her stability of Allah grant to regain
her health of Allah grant her strength and
All of those others who are sick Allah remove their sickness from
them. And Allah Allah Allah, we ask You for assistance in
everything Subhan Allah because Allah is that the IMEI of the
phone was
the point of a lecture is to encourage people to act to get
further an inspiration and encouragement, persuasion. The
next step is to actually start learning seriously, to read books
to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware
of what our deen wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan
courses so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand
whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on there, the Islamic
essentials certificate which you take 20 Short modules, and at the
end of that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of
the most important topics in Islam and you'll feel a lot more
confident. You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue
to live, you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have
this more sustained study as well as local law here and Salam
aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.