Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – #parenting Secrets to Having Good Children
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Hamden
cathedra on the uban mobile rockin fie Mubarak unnati He can you hate
Bora buena, where you're the gentle Agila and who I am and the
word was salat wa salam O Allah so you will have even most of us are
normal. They're either either you are either early or Safi
are seldom at the Sleeman kefir on Eli. Oh Medina mother. So Allah
bless you all, wherever you're listening from. And this is a
really, really vast topic that we have ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada says,
Yeah, you're letting go and forsaken. Polycom now. Roku and
NASA will Hijra. Either your mother AKA, Sheila to lay out
soon. Allah humma, Amara home, wave it whenever you want Maroon?
So the color who are we? So this, Allah subhanaw taala. This, what
the system that he has created in this world of the way human beings
come and go.
Adam Alayhis Salam. And how are they as salam they did not come
from parents at the marathon was created in his original 60 cubic
form, which is approximately 30 meters.
And soul and the roof was blown into him.
And then from his rib was created, how are they Asalaam Eve. And then
after that everybody comes through this embryonic stage of a in of
the fetus in a mother's stomach. And that's how we come into this
world.
And that is how humans come into this world. We don't come from
factory lines, we don't come from other manufacturing process. It's
a very organic process. That's how humans are born. So now
Allah subhanaw taala gives us a lot of guidance. And so we have
guidance in multiple ways we have guidance through verses in the
Quran that are telling us what to do.
Yeah, you have Latina M and O people who believe
protect yourselves and your family from the Hellfire let's ultimate
big idea that you must protect yourselves and your children from
the Hellfire
thereafter that Allah subhanaw taala. So we have verses like
that. Then we have verses in the Quran, which tell us about how
children were brought up by prophets. For example,
Yusuf Ali Salam story comes to mind where his son yaku Ali,
salaam, son, use of Al Islam comes to him with a dream, and
jacobellis, so I'm giving him some advice. And then the whole story
plays out, this is not the time to recount the story. But we have a
number of stories that are mentioned.
Then you have many Hadith in which the prophets, Allah lorrison
provide some direct guidance.
If you have a child, make sure you do your Akita, make sure you call
the other than in the right ear and a comma in the left ear, give
them a good name,
and so on. Then, after that, you also have narrations in which the
Prophet salallahu Salam interacted with children, we also have
narrations in which Sahaba how they dealt with their children. So
we've got quite a bit of material. To to learn this from there. After
that we obviously have biographies, the lives written
stories and life stories of individuals who became successful
in the world how they were brought up. That was, that's always
helpful, because if they became great individuals, productive
individuals,
celebrated individuals for the right things, then they must have
been brought up in some way that contributed to that. Because
everything has an impact later on. So there's lots in there and also,
in you know, in 40 minutes in 15 minutes in an hour, how much we're
going to cover of the life from before a person gives birth to
when they give birth, when they have a child, the Infancy the
toddlerhood the childhood, the teenage years, early teenage years
late teenage years, advanced teenagers, young adult years,
middle age, and so on.
Parents never give up. The child will become 40 years of age and
the mother is still going to be fretting over them.
In fact, some 40 year olds have to still take permission from the
from their mother to do X, Y and Zed
so on Allah, so we are all offsprings. Ultimately we're all
offsprings. So now, how do we cover this in comprehensively? We
can't, because there's so many stages. Plus, there's so many
variables, culture plays a massive part in this. We can, we can never
ignore culture. I just want to say something about culture. Culture
is very, very important. It's the most influential and important
significant factor in our lives.
It is very difficult to escape culture, very difficult to escape
culture, whether it's good or bad, good or bad culture. Okay. And
some cultures Yeah, Allah the suffocating
Alhamdulillah every Muslim culture, which means the Gujarati
culture, the Punjabi culture, the Kashmiri culture, if you want to
consider that separate, right? You can even break down the Punjabi
culture to this psyche, culture, this culture, that culture, I
mean, it's, it's so refined, the baton culture, the Sindhi culture,
the hands, culture, the raja culture, there's just so many
different cultures, which culture is yours?
What's your culture called?
Everybody has a culture. Nobody in this world doesn't have a culture.
Just remember that.
It's not too broad Punjabi. Churchill diartk. Nobody can say
they don't have a culture. I've had people come and say, I don't
want to marry Punjabi. They're Punjabi, why not? They come with
baggage. Who do you want to marry, then I want to marry a convert.
Instead, they also come with a baggage. It's just a different
one.
Everybody comes in baggage. Everybody comes with culture.
Right? Now, what's interesting is that every Muslim culture, meaning
every culture that has had Muslims in there will have the good points
for sure. In fact, every culture has good and bad points. You can't
survive in this world with just bad points. Every culture has good
points. Muslim cultures are very good points, but they also have a
share of bad points.
Escaping those bad points is very difficult. There are so many young
people who want to become religious girls who want to wear
hijab, but nobody in their family does. So they can't do it.
If they start doing your calculation, you become an
extremist. Get the hamara company. Hama Hama is a queen, a panda.
More recent than gay, you know, this kind of stuff. A young guy
and his family, nobody has a beard he wants to pull guy wants to
start keeping a beard. He's heard the virtues but nobody in the
family. So he wants to go and study the Drina Maria how to
creola Money, um, does abducted one thing. You know, this is
culture. This is suffocating culture. I'll give it a typical
culture. The typical issue. There is a daughter in law, she's been
oppressed by her mother in law.
A typical scenario I mean, what's new, right? She's oppressed by her
mother in law. So you go to the mother in law, and you go cook
Chai playa, and then on Kavita and then say, Why do you do that for?
I'm not doing anything different from what my mother in law did to
me.
Okay, okay, so you find her mother in law? Maybe she's dead. You go
to a gravesite. And I set up other Why did you do that? Because my
mother in law did that to me.
You find her mother in law, get him on Kobita logical like why did
you do that? Because my mother in law did that to me, like come on
busker OB and I'm like, You need to stop.
It's we are Muslims, and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam has
guided us in everything. That's why we take the best of our
culture, but we leave the bad of our culture.
But it's very difficult to do that. The only people who will do
it who have resolve who fought for whom Allah and His Prophet
sallallahu Saba stronger, was taken the deen to heart then they
don't care Kia con coche que haga
otherwise, it's very difficult. It is the single most
powerful force in our lives, very difficult go against culture.
But you have to do so.
What is the culture of people in England? A Punjabi in England, a
Gujarati in England. A city in England is very different from a
Punjabi in Punjab a silletti in Silla is very when you go back,
say back when you go to visit Punjab or stiletto, Kashmir or
wherever. You will frown upon some of the things you'd like yeah,
this is not me, man. Well, it would have been you had you stayed
there. But you're different now. In England, because we mix with
multiple cultures.
You take on different but you should be careful. You only take
the we're given the opportunity to take the best of each culture. For
example,
I'm supposed to be Goodra tea and fresh blood if that's such a
thing.
My dopey is Turkish, this buggery is made in Pakistan.
But it's done in a non Pakistani way. This particular top I'm
wearing is Moroccan. But
he was made in Jordan in different style adjusted otherwise Moroccan
ones are longer. My watch is probably Japanese.
This microphone, but Danny Garcia here,
right?
That's what we are now we're mixture of culture, we have an
opportunity to pick the best and leave the bad. Remember that
usually, when somebody wants to do something good against their
culture,
it usually it takes two three months. You first get the tiny,
you first get the criticism, you first get this that another but if
you stay resolved, you can change your whole family.
I've seen cases where nobody in that family covered their hair,
the women. One woman started she got so much criticism so Nebra but
now the entire family covers everybody, all the brothers and
sisters, everybody covers, he just needed one to blaze the pump.
There was one family no alums, so no half is of the Quran can be
declining. So
mashallah one person went and did it. Now, mashallah, in the next
generation, every single boy is half is on the Quran.
You have to take the lead and change things. And that's where
our children come in, do you want to bring your children up? Do you
wanna let the the outside forces bring our children up? Or do we
want to bring them up in a very, very guided way? very selective
way. So today, what I'm going to share with you, and then
Inshallah, what I'll do is I will open up to questions, because it's
such a vast topic. I may say a few things in the time I have, that
may be irrelevant to you. So what I'll do is after I say my several
things, I'll open it up to you, if you have any questions, you can
ask them and we can, if something is important for you, I don't want
to miss it out. Right ticket. So I'm going to give you some they're
not very organized. These are just individual points for us to
reflect on in sha Allah and I hope we I found that beneficial, that's
why I've compiled them. So inshallah we can have some food
for thought, right? Why is this important? Let's see who's a
grandfather here. Who has grandchildren here?
How many?
Four Mashallah. Now look, what's your name? *, Nawab sub
mashallah * Nawab has four grandchildren Allah bless them all
and protect them all? Right. He volunteers I should give him DRA
Masha Allah. So hygiene the website of your four grandchildren
I use they're not your brothers, are they? They're not your
sisters. They are yours. Now, is there any stopping those four from
having more children? In some years, we're going to be gone,
they're going to carry on four will become eight and 10 and 15.
And then it will become 50 and 100 and 1000s. When we come up on the
Day of Judgment, there'll be a whole army in front of you. Yes,
our economy is sub que Nawaz se potay USRA. Wow, Masha, Allah, all
yours, not your brothers and sisters. They're all yours.
Have you ever thought about it like that? We only think to the
next 50 years? No, we need to be thinking for the next hundreds of
years. Because everybody that's going to come from you and I are
yours. And there will be some influence of the way you bring
them up that will continue.
You know, I've had the opportunity to go hedge with big groups,
400 500 700 people. And when you travel, you see different people
that you don't know from before. Some people just stick out. Not
like a sore thumb. Some people do. But some people just stick out for
the clock and their character they just some dignity and honor about
them. You can achieve shifts here.
Then you start talking to them and you find out that somewhere up
there grandfather Gregor, there was some special person there.
That is why they are the way they are. I'm not joking. I've seen
this so many times. Why is he different?
You get talking and you say Oh, my grandfather was this shave or he
was like this or he was this and then you understand. You have to
set up your family and your generations to come until the day
of judgment as you would want them to be seen.
And for that you better pick the right spouse. For that you better
be really thinking about the effect of your relationship, your
household, your home, your home environment and everything.
It's very important. Imagine a family, they have four or five
children. And then after 30, after 12 years, some of the children are
12 years old, the oldest one is 12, the others are five, six, and
there's a divorce.
That whole their whole life is punctured, is disturbed,
especially in the formative years.
That's why you have to play smart right from the beginning. The
biggest thing is, you're not looking for the best partner,
you're looking to sort yourself out.
And lot of the time, it's our problem, but we want the other
person to be best, and to be perfect. So these are some of the
guidances.
Let us compare. And again, this is not to make us feel guilty, but
just to make us think, How can I do better? Do we spend more time
with our children than they spend
on fortnight, or twitch or whatever?
And that could be me or the wife or the husband or the parent? Any
of the parents? It doesn't have to be one pair both parents?
Do we spend more time with them? Or does a program spend more time
with them?
Does a game spend more time with them? Or do they spend more time
with the game, just something to think about?
One very important point is, which is when I heard this, I was like
Subhanallah, this is what I've been looking for is we need to
bring our children up
with this thought in their mind that I can do this, but I can't do
this because I'm a Muslim.
That has to be very clearly mentioned.
The boundaries have to be set in our homes and reiterated and
confirmed and emphasized over and over again, in a very simple but
very serious way that I can't do this because I'm a Muslim. That's
like it just has to be so if they're ever faced with this
outside, if a friend offers them a cigarette,
offers them to do something wrong. I can't do this. Because we don't
do that kind of stuff. There's a sense of pride in it.
One is because you're going to be punished by God. That's like
putting the fear of God in somebody that that's heavy. It
works. But another way is we our hands. We don't do this kind of
stuff. I'm a Mangueira. We don't do this make up whatever you want,
whatever your name is. But to have a name though.
Most people lose their surnames. They don't know where they're
from, they just take any first name. And they make that their
surname like come on.
Like have some kind of honor man, know where you're from, which I'll
come sure Uber Wakaba Elita out of people are losing their surnames,
they don't have a surname, they don't want to care about where
they came from. Allah is saying that we made you in Cuba in Kabila
in clans and tribes so that you can gain a recognition of one
another. Not to show off with those Kabyle. Not to think that
you're better than others. But just so that
you don't
miss ascribe yourself. No, we have in a way the raja family we don't
do this kind of stuff.
We are saved, we don't do this kind of stuff. Our family does not
do this kind of stuff. We are the Mohammed family, whatever your
surname is whatever. start drilling that in them. We don't do
this stuff when the next time but no, I can't do that kind of stuff.
He can do it because he's not from that family. Maybe we don't do
this kind of stuff. Give him that pride based on virtue.
Subhana Allah. Ultimately, I'm a Muslim. That's why I can't do
that.
I am from this family. Unfortunately, that was the case
before Do you know that this was the case before? Before, you would
not do something wrong? Because you'd be worried about what people
would say about your mum and dad? What would they would say about
your family in the villages.
But we're living in a time of individualism where hardly any
children think the same as their parents anymore? Unless you're
very lucky.
This is the challenge. Many parents want their children to
marry somebody they want. But they haven't brought them up to think
in the same way.
So then, they don't prepare for this when they come to be 25 years
old. You better marry this person, your cousin sister, and I don't
want to marry my cousin sister. What's your problem, man? No, you
better if you disobey your parents, you'll be in Jahannam
forever.
Which is actually not even true. In this case. I don't want to I
don't want to open up a can of worms here but you know, if you
want your children to marry somebody
You better prepare them and be on the same, you know, wavelength
from a very young age so they know where they're going with this, you
know, if it's the right thing, otherwise you then bring it on
them and then you have a big argument about it, where you force
them to do it. And then they I've seen people lose their faith over
this one woman called me. About 40 years old, she asked me about some
masala
a particular issue, which only people who
are concerned about their faith would ask and like a very
specific, namaz, me if you do this, then does your namaz break
something like that somebody you know, somebody who's concerned
about their religion? So I answered the question. And then
some other discussion came up, she said she's married to a non Muslim
as in the UK.
I was shocked as that, like you're asking such a particular question.
You know, which makes it seem like you're a practicing Woman, why
What are you doing? Married, you know, married to a non Muslim, but
many people don't do that, you know? So she explained, she said,
Yeah, you know, when I was younger, I was forced to get
married to my cousin or something like that, right? And
that what what parents do is they, they make it seem like this is
religious, you better do it. Otherwise, you're going to be
Jahannam, forever, whatever. So then they think that Islam is bad.
Because of that, where Islam doesn't force a woman to get
married, like that is completely wrong.
So then she left the faith or whatever, she just got married to
a number symbol Hamdulillah. She's coming back. And she's concerned.
Lots of people this happens to so unfortunately, now, what's the
problem is that it's individualism, me, me, I me, it
doesn't matter who my family is, who cares? Why can I do this? Why
do I have to worry about what people are going to think of my
family? Why can I go out? Why can I do this? Why can't I dress like
this?
That's what we're dealing with. There's no respect anymore for
your family, or honor, or whatever. Because it's
individualism that everybody is taught to just be yourself. This
is the modern trend, this is creating a lot of problems.
Another thing is that in the earlier days, and even in some
countries still, historically, throughout an earlier centuries,
parents had a lot of assistance, because the whole community, the
neighbors, relatives, everybody brought up everybody's children.
You were scared to do what you wanted to do, regardless of
anybody in your community who was looking at you. But now if your
parents are looking at you, if you're scared of your parents, you
don't care about anybody's like, even if they tried to tell you
something, you'll probably say, What's it to you gone mind your
own business?
That wasn't the case before. That's why our job has become more
difficult.
The whole neighbors, the whole neighborhood brought up the
children.
Everybody was usually on the same page, because the culture was one.
Right? Everybody thought the same way? Yeah, there were a few people
who are known to be different, but otherwise, mostly what he's
saying. Now Subhanallah,
you have various different forces, influences steeped in capitalism,
consumerism, and other motives who bring up our children.
Our children are brought up on social media, that your Instagram,
Instagram, and Tiktok, and all of these other things, all of these
influences, they listen to you that you don't even know about
them, they will be listening to Oh, so and so so and so so and so
who are trying to sell something, or trying to push an agenda, we're
trying to corrupt something, or whatever the case is, they have
more influence sometimes in our children than we do.
That's why we need to understand what is out there. And we put that
guideline like this is who we are, we don't do this. This is not the
way we think. We have to be able to discuss, we have to be able to
discuss with our children, what is very important, very important is
that we have an open discourse at home, which means at least one of
the parents, if not both, should be approachable to discuss any
matter that arises in school, outside, online, on social media,
with the parents, and the parents need to be aware of this so they
can guide them.
Unfortunately, in in some households or many households that
communication isn't there. In fact, subjects are taboo, that
can't even be brought up. For example, right? For example.
Women girls after they reach a certain age, they don't have to do
an amaz salad so for several days every month right
so there's a family when the mouse partaker when they pray and
it's they were doing something together and it was namaste
Margaret time then go to Muslim pray that
Home. So everybody prayed the mother didn't pray or the sister
didn't pray. Somebody's going to figure it out. Man. The acuity
pray, why isn't she pray? What do you tell him?
Well, how do you explain it? Anybody? bitchery? Bemani? Man?
That's La hawla wala Quwata illa biLlah after haze, Kobe Marie
Bernardi, it's healthy. If you don't have menstruation, then
you're sick.
It's healthy to have menstruation, there's gonna be money Manabi. And
then the next month is the second but she's still sick, she seems
completely fine to me.
Every month is six like, well, what's the problem, man?
Is that the right course of action?
Why call it a sickness is wrong is lying. Actually, what we used to
say is you just be easy, we have to treat to treat our children to
be sensible, and teach them to be decent. So we say, look, Allah
subhanaw taala has made it such that when girls reach a certain
age 12 1314 They don't have to pray for for, you know, 567 days
each month.
Why not? Because they have certain they have certain issues with
their body, right, which we'll find out when you get older.
Right? But hamdulillah men don't have that issue. You can pray but
girls, they know they're forgiven, they don't have to pay that works.
Rather than tell them they're sick.
You should be such that if your child has discussed LGBTQ issues
in school, or gender fluidity or whatever the case is, they should
be able to come home, you should know that discussion took place
because they usually tell you or you should be asking what did you
learn in school and discuss that matter and see what our approach
is to these things? Very important otherwise?
Who's Who's going to do the filtering
many parents they pull their children out of these kinds of
lessons, right that then go to library or let them stay at home.
Problem is the next day they go to school, their friends will tell
them everything secondhand anyway.
So you we this is our job, we have to have a very open, open
relationship, open discourse in the house that we can discuss any
topic.
If not the both parents at least with one parent. That's why we
need to understand what the in who you're listening to let me see
who's on your tick tock or whatever. If they're on even on
tick tock they've been allowed to be, you know, we need to know
everything. So we can have that discussion. We can guide them
otherwise SubhanAllah.
You don't even know what they do in school anymore. With a lot of
parents.
Okay, next point, we need to teach them certain qualities, especially
strength, fortitude, patience, resilience,
dignity,
self respect, and assistance of others. How do we teach them these
things?
Well, for example, if you want to teach them patience and fortitude,
if sometimes they have a little headache, for example, don't rush
to give them Calpol or medicine, or paracetamol. Let them deal with
a headache.
Now, I'm not saying doing every don't persecute them. But I'm
saying sometimes just so they can learn resilience.
We teach them to us that beautiful Allahumma robinus of hibel. But
swishy and the Chef de la Shiva Illa. She felt okay, she found lay
off it was stuck on teach them to us. But let them suffer a bit, let
them have a bit of pain.
Have a simple dish sometimes. So they can learn that it's not all
about luxury.
I have had many opportunities to be in five star hotels where
literally everything is paid for me.
So five star hotel, there are four or five top end five star
restaurants in the hotel.
And I can go and eat in any one of them for free. It's all on the
tab.
But I don't. Because I feel I'm wasting somebody else's money and
I don't need to do that.
I will order a soup to my room if that's what I want that day. I'm
not going to go because our food is wasted in these places.
Because somebody taught us to be frugal, and to be careful and not
to waste food. Otherwise we waste a lot of foods. That's just one
aspect. I'm saying we need to teach our children all of these
things.
It is the smaller things that are going to make them resilient than
they're going to be ready for the world. Otherwise the world is not
a kind place. If we mollycoddle them as they say, We overly pamper
them and everything is there for them. Then when they have to
become independent. They're going to suffer. They won't be able to
deal with
bid is going to begin to make many more mistakes, we need to teach
them from a young and early age. Inshallah, if we teach them we
give them an edge above everybody else because everybody else is the
same, we give them an edge to inshallah succeed, and to win,
Inshallah, the world is not very kind to people all the time. The
biggest thing that we can give our children is the consciousness of
Allah subhanho wa taala. There's nothing bigger than that.
Why, if we teach our children to be directly connected to Allah
subhanaw taala, we have to monitor them less because they're already
concerned about Allah. Give you an example, as a child who comes back
from he's just started high school, his parent, his mom has
told him that you need to do the in the school somehow, somehow,
because by the time you come on with us, a lot of time will be
finished in winter. He comes back second or third day from high
school and secondary school. His mum said, Did you pray? And he
said, No, I didn't pray? Should you be happy or sad?
So tell me, which of you would be sad? Like, I need an answer from
all of you. So one, whichever answer you want to give, right?
Who would be sad?
Okay, that's about nearly half of or more actually. Okay, how many
of you would be happy? How the rest of you happy sad? The ones
who didn't answer. You'd be like, happy, sad, or you don't even know
how to think.
So when I heard it, I was very happy actually.
He didn't say like, No, I don't want to pray. He said, No, I
didn't pray so and so why didn't you pray? Oh, I didn't find a
place to pray.
So we had a conversation. Look, you know, why don't you talk to a
particular nice teacher that let you know that? I'm just going to
take five minutes, can I just use your empty room to pray if you
don't have it? Because not all schools have prayer halls and
things like that. You have to work with our children to get it right.
Now, the reason the child did the child have to say I didn't pray,
could have easily said I prayed would have been so easy to lie. In
fact, if you went and tried to ask the school did my child pray
they'll probably
report you to prevent. So you can't even you know, it would have
been so easy for the child to lie right? But he didn't lie why
consciousness of Allah subhanaw taala Bismillah connection with
Allah. Very powerful
is a girl she's she was seven years old. A brother was maybe a
few years old or 910 years old.
So the brother had to go to opticians get a test. And then he
needed glasses. So she started making fun of him. So the mother
said to the daughter,
be careful. Don't make fun of him. Because your dad has glasses. Your
mom has glasses. Your older brother has glasses, you're
probably gonna get glasses. Right?
And then after that, nothing else 10 years later when she's about
seven she's got younger brothers as well now, and they have glasses
and she doesn't have glasses. Everybody has glasses, but she
doesn't have glasses
10 years later, why doesn't she have glasses?
Because then she revealed that you know, Mom, you know when you said
to me that don't make fun of him. You're gonna get glasses because
everybody in the family has glasses. I started praying to
Allah subhanho wa Taala I don't want glasses.
Amazing, isn't it? Imagine that Iman now.
Now the mother should have said pray to Allah that you don't get
glasses. She didn't say that to her. But still the daughter made
dua, why did she make dua
when she learned to make dua because clearly that was taught in
that family that we make the off everything.
One in one family I know any small thing that happens to the child
got a pain here, cut this year, they read a DUA and blow on it and
more than 50% of the time it gets better. Maybe you can call it
placebo effect or whatever you want to call it.
When the child gets older, old enough, you just they just teach
the children to read the dwarves Bismillah he loves Eli Adorama so
he shaved on film of the will of his son that you always send you
roll it out we'll be cutting mighty light and mighty Michel de
Maha cloud develop develop collaborative European NASSCO.
allawah AYATUL kursi am blown it if it's something else like we're
in your car do Latina Cafaro leaves the owner Korea was it him
the master mural Nicaragua coluna in the hula melanoma or liquidly
light I mean mashallah they take care of themselves afterwards. You
have to teach them that
then mashallah they take care of it. That can only be done if we
are in touch with Allah ourselves. You can't teach your children what
you're not in touch with.
Just doesn't work.
Okay.
Another point, we say things to our children, you're a loser.
Now, what's interesting is that that is going to have a different
effect on different children. Some are going to think I'm a loser.
No, I'm not and they're going
gone do their work.
I don't want to be a loser. But there's others. There's like, I'm
a loser, okay? I'm a loser. Man, I'm a loser. And they make they
become a loser. It's criticism is you have to be very careful.
Sometimes, you know, we give criticism you have to be very
careful. We have to know our children how sensitive they are,
how they are that what would work with them what would not work with
them. For example, there's a
there's a girl who didn't listen to the parents are very frustrated
with anything you tell her she wants to do the opposite. So
finally, I think they woke up. So if the mom wants her to buy this
dress, and not that one, she wouldn't say buy this dress. She
said, you know, buy that one, the other one.
And with that rebellious attitude, she goes and buys the other one,
which the mom wants them, the parents wizened up of it. You have
to know your children because Allah creates every chimp every
single child different. Within your own children, many of them
will be different. Some will like tomatoes and others will not.
Tomatoes, the usual culprit,
right?
Someone who loves tomato ketchup and the other one can't stand any
kind of tomato sauce.
Allah creates now one thing we have to remember right? Allah
creates every one of us that means every child and every one of us
with a set of qualities and a set of weaknesses. Every single human
being is like that. The successful ones are the ones who recognize
their qualities and start using them to be successful.
And the ultimately successful ones are those who also understand
their weaknesses. So now tell me here how many of you consider
yourself successful I mean, I do
mashallah, great. Only two of us three mashallah wonderful four,
okay, I'm doing five only five of us are successful all the rest of
poor losers are what are they
successful to a certain day? I'm not saying like, successful
Listen, we've got Janet already. Oh, we've got this big man should
win. Like, you know, you think you're doing well enough? Like
Alhamdulillah Allah, I mean, sugar, you know, that kind of
success? What I mean by this? I don't know what you think six or
Bill Gates successful? No, you know, like, I'm just saying
Hamdulillah you know, I'm doing well, how many? How many people
consider themselves successful?
Mashallah, why are you successful because you have found out and
figured out and discovered your qualities to us because Allah
gives everybody some qualities. Everybody some qualities is nobody
would have no qualities. If they lose us or those who don't
discover their qualities.
Remember that they just good for nothing. They just think they have
no qualities because they just I don't know, deluded, but they have
qualities, somebody can guide them, then find out the ultimate,
the highest successful ones are those who also know their
weaknesses. So they can control their weaknesses. So you can use
your qualities you can figure it out. But you also need to know
your weaknesses to be even safer in this world. Our job as parents
is to find out what qualities each of our children have. One is very
compassionate. One is very good with his hands. One, she's very
good at x, y and Zed. One is very sharp one, the weakness. Oh, the
sharp one has a problem with anger. This one is very generous.
That one is a bit stingy.
He will share his last week that one will not. Which one are you?
Will you share your last week?
You're stingy.
I mean, it's possible. I mean, I was a bit stingy. I think you're
stingy, a bit stingy. So we have to work on not being stingy about
you.
We all have our issues. Allah gives us different challenges and
different capabilities. We have to recognize that as parents, I think
if we can just recognize the capabilities of our children and
their weaknesses and let them learn teach them how to deal with
them we're successful.
If that's the only lesson you learn from today, I think that
should be successful. You know, that should be good enough,
because that's a very important point when it finally hit me that
this is what it is, Have I understood what my capabilities
are? And have I understood what my weaknesses are?
There is no way to the top without suffering and without difficulty
if you become a group, if you have this attitude that we as cons or
batons or majorities certain abilities, Mangueira or or
whatever clan, you are admins or whatever, right? We don't do this
and you have a clan about it, you're going to be much more
difficult to attack because mashallah, you've got a strong
support system in sha Allah.
Unfortunately today, what we started because of social media
and everything.
There are a lot of people today who hold ideas and beliefs and
pass
captives. They don't even know where they got them from. They
just assimilating them, absorbing them from the different things
they read. And you don't even know.
So there's people who think completely haram, things are fine
because it's humanity. It's it's been given a humanitarian. Look,
you see people who think
bombing the Gazans to, you know, to nothing is fine because of
something that somebody did.
Right? And 7 million is not enough. I don't know when it's
going to be enough. Perspectives ideas, we have to be very careful
of what ideas our children are to believe. I guarantee you that I've
seen in certain countries where Islam is not so strong, that the
children have lost their faith and the parents don't even know it.
Like how,
because nobody prays in the family. All they do is Ramzan that
can be tricky cubby war Jumar culture again, they don't take the
children anyway. And in Ramadan, they might go but it's like a
feast in the masjid. And they stand and pray a bit. And in fact,
I've seen places where they go for Iftari they do McGreevy study and
then come home and note that
they go for a prayer only as just the celebration just going for
Christmas. They've lost their faith, they don't even their
parents won't even know that they've lost the parents might
have it because they came from another country they still have a
bit of faith, but apathetic in the sense of the only the care that
children don't even have faith they don't even know it's the
children won't know Hola, hola. Hola means because they've never
been to MCC them. They focus with school.
Only. That's it.
So I think I think I'm going to stop now. And leave it to you for
questions. Because I can't cover everything, I've got many more
points, but set a set of core values for your family, which is
rare and have them re iterated and reinforced all the time core
principles, right? Because otherwise, there is just so many
other sources, which are teaching our children social media in our
homes before, if you shut the door kept your children inside, nobody
else could influence them.
But now, it's so difficult not to have your children not to allow
them to have a phone or an iPad or something.
Some parents do it very few are successful in controlling that.
Very difficult. So then the only thing we can do is we know what
they're watching. They're regulating what they're watching.
And we have core principles that we're constantly reinforcing. And
we're discussing everything with them.
And the final point I'll make is every child is exceptional,
because they've got a set of qualities, if we can help them
find out their quality, they are exceptional in that. We have to
teach them that you are exceptional. Now what we want
don't want to do is don't
reduce their future ambition goal, you have to be a doctor.
You have to be an engineer.
not saying there's anything wrong with those. But no, you have to be
you have to be a productive individual that changes people. By
being a doctor, being a doctor is just part of that.
The ultimate goal is not to be a doctor to make lots of money,
you're gonna do that anyway, your ultimate goal is to change the
world for to be a better place. How you're going to do that by
being a doctor, by being an engineer. By doing this business,
you understand what I'm saying, don't make a lot of people because
they because they glorify certain occupations, they make that the
end goal.
That can still be what you get, but have a higher ambition of why
you get it, then you'll be rewarded for that as well.
And then a child will have some empathy in their heart
contribution and I admire in their hearts, rather than just be
selfish individuals have a bigger idea. You're not just going to be
that no, you're not going to just be that you're going to be all of
those things. Your real purpose is to make the world a better place
and and take people to the in the right direction and help people
and relieve misery.
All of these ideas we're giving our children why not? It's free to
give them those ideas. No.
We couldn't have done it but let them do it.
And I've seen many families they they came from a family that had
nothing and mashallah they managed to change everything for the next
generations. Let's set them on a better on a better trajectory
insha Allah so I'll I'll stop here and if you have any questions,
I'll take them and then inshallah we can finish.
Very good question. How do we deal with angry children? Angry Birds?
Firstly, we have to find out where did they learn this anger from a
lot of the time
A lot of the time they learn from us, if we get angry, they learn it
from us sometimes.
So we have to figure out where they learned it from. And then we
have to start changing our way and inshallah that will change. Number
two, we have to have a discussion with them. Not like every time
they get it Don't get angry. Why do you get angry for because
they're angry, they don't even understand anything in anger. I
know one child, whenever he can't get what he wants. So you tell him
not to do something gets very angry for about three minutes. You
can't reason with him. He's crazy at that time, his arguments are
silly, everything. After five minutes is fine, then you can talk
to we have to know our children, and then have a long discussion
over and over again that look, this doesn't help. So then we have
to talk about anger management. So we'll we'll talk them and say,
look, what makes you angry? Why do you get angry?
could be multiple reasons for getting angry. Either they learned
that the parent does this when they're frustrated, or when they
can't get what they want. So we have to find out what the triggers
of their anger are. Talk to them about it? Is it because you feel
helpless? Is it because you feel you're being cheated? For example,
there was one kid, every time he would get some ed or a gift, his
father would take the money
to look after he thought his father was stealing his money.
Picture a little kid. So you've got you take all my money, you
know where it is, you've just, you know, you spend my money.
And then I think when they they realize what his issue is why he
gets angry. So he sat him down, I said, Look, this is your hisab
they showed him the Kawartha. And for some reason, this is how much
money you got. We're just looking after it for you because you can
lose it. You know, you've lost money before right?
Handed since that day, find out what their frustrations are, is it
because we're being more favorite, he or the child thinks that the
parent is being more favored more
nicer to another brother, or it could be could be multiple
reasons. We can't just tell them not to be angry, we have to see if
they've got a valid concern and sought that out. If they do if
they don't have a valid concern. When you tell them how to control
yourself that this is not the way you're gonna get results. I think
we have to get through to them that look by getting you don't get
results.
You want to do something, use a different tact. Try this way, try
that way to get what you want. So these are I mean, it's very
difficult to give a full, complete answer. But these are the
different things that we need to think about. It's a bit more
complicated than, you know, there's no straight answer to
that. But hopefully that's helpful.
You know, cartoons, we need a lot more Muslim cartoons, to be
honest, being Muslim content. That is completely an alternative. And
I don't like justifying music, because it's haram. But sometimes
it's like music is probably the lightest of all of the problems
out there. I'm not saying that you should let them listen to that.
But I think we found some games online.
Like cartoonish games, but with no music. We also look at the games
like Korean fortnight doesn't have any music as sound effects rather
than music, some games, you can turn it off. So you have to do
that research. And then you just do your best to make sure they
stay on that. Plus, don't give them too much time cartoons are
bad because there's a lot of bad content coming through cartoon so
you don't want to let them like Buzz cartoon dicterow as though
it's innocent.
I think with all children, they need only a certain number of
hours a week on the on any kind of social media,
then they have to use the for the best option that they have, rather
than just endless, because a lot of people use social media to
babysit their children. Because then you don't have to pay
anybody, you just need an iPad. And well, mashallah, they can
spend three, four hours on there, no problem, and you can go and do
your gupshup somewhere else. So I think these are kind of the
regulatory things that we have to do. Do you want
the way we
because ultimately, as a parent, if we can, if we know our child,
we know what they're good at? Well, we don't always but what we
do is we put them in different scene scenarios. We help them
maybe sorry, we get them involved with different things that we do.
For example, if you're doing a bit of DIY work, for example, you're
fixing something or doing something, see somebody is going
to be interested in that some are not going to be interested. Maybe
when the mom is cooking, some you know they can see we have to
figure it out by putting them in different scenarios in different
circumstances, what they're good at and what they're not. And then
we need to encourage them in that direction. I think as a parent,
we'll know what they're good at and what their weaknesses are.
We'll definitely figure out their weaknesses, that's for sure. We
have
Teach them like they procrastinate a lot. The last minute people,
they're stingy. They, they spend too much once a father gave his
child.
This was like 20 years ago when you know ice cream man, ice cream
van, the cone ice cream cost a pound. Right? He said, I want to
buy anything given five pounds to get into ice cream man. And then
he bought for himself one of those double floats, which costs three
pound 50. And something for his friend as well. His father gave
him five pounds because he didn't have any change. Right? Somebody
told him off is like,
you should have asked, but the child knows I got the money, I can
buy this house. another occasion, there was a kid in another house
down the road selling sweets, you know, you get those jelly sweets,
they buy a big tub. And then they sell each one for, I don't know,
five pence or whatever he went and bought for
two, three pounds, that many sweets, which was a con. Right?
That kid made a lot of money but because for less than that you
could have gone and bought a box for the supermarket. So he said
Look, you've done that now you can't give it back. But if you
want to buy so many sweets, then it's cheaper for you to buy from
here. So you have to teach them how to budget as well. Right? So
these are different things that you can teach them and figure the
figure things out
halfway
Why does a child make a silly statement about Allah? That's the
first question I'm gonna ask. Right? Is it because they haven't
understood Allah properly yet?
So I think we have to see that have we not explained who Allah is
so that there's no way Allah is blemish plus the way we've
explained it? And we've given enough detail to them, that they
can work it out, they will never blame Allah. Okay, if we haven't,
then what do you mean by taking it seriously, we the taking this
seriously just means that we need to now make sure that we teach
them enough about Allah that they never make that statement again.
We're not going to say you're a gaffer. We're not going to start
doing the fear, right? That's taken seriously in that sense. No,
we obviously have to take it seriously and we we don't want our
children blaspheming Allah of course not. But we have to
understand why they're doing that. Maybe something didn't happen
maybe they do I didn't know there was an accepted as in yella, the
you don't have some ideas, but we need to learn what the real
philosophy of do is maybe they got the wrong idea what do i is
thinking by some kind of magic you pray to Allah and just give you
whatever you want. That's wrong. You understand? We have to teach
our children that you do your best to ask Allah but if it's good for
you then Allah will give it to you for sure. But if it's not good for
you because you know you made them do this whether that whether he
won't give it to you I think we need to teach them in fact many
adults don't know the philosophy of dua they get upset with hola
hola hola hola Cote. Lola is very bad to for the parents to use bad
cop Good Cop approach they will send mixed messages the the
parents will then
abuse one or use one against the other the most one of the most
important things in in bringing children is the husband why being
on the same page
then the children can't manipulate father says the same thing mother
says the same thing. Otherwise they will abuse that that family
is going to be broken
there's going to be so much turmoil there's going to be so
much difficulty with that.
Yeah, in some cases in a strategic way you can use that
but not always
okay brothers mashallah the questions did come up finally
hamdulillah if there's no more questions, then I'll make a little
DUA and then I can be off and you guys can go and have your meals.
Yeah, Villa home and the Santa Monica Salam the bar of the other
god with the Quran Allah Mia Yun, Rama Tekin studies Allahu Maya
unknown Yemen
and Subhanak in Ghana you know what do you mean just Allah who
are no Mohammed Amma who?
Yeah Allah have mercy on us. Yeah, Allah have mercy on this ummah.
Yeah Allah have mercy on our brothers and sisters. Yeah, Allah.
Allah forgive us all. Forgive us our wrongdoings our
transgressions, our distractions, our heedlessness, our laziness,
our delay of Allah and our sins and transgressions. Oh Allah, Oh
Allah we ask you for the best of this world and the hereafter of
Allah we have our brothers and sisters who are being massacred
and killed in a savage way of Allah We ask that you remove that
from how Allah you relieve them, those who have died grabbed them
shahada and martyrdom
Hola Hola those who are injured or la grande impatience and for
greater fortitude and sub O Allah those the rest of them are la grab
them safety grant them well being grant them recovery Oh Allah grant
them victory of Allah grab them safety of Allah grant us an
understanding of what we're doing wrong that has allowed this chaos
to end to come about, Oh Allah, Oh Allah we ask that You have given
us abundantly in this world, a lifestyle that is equivalent to
the top five to 10% of the world of Allah. We can't thank you
enough for this, oh Allah but do not let this become a source of
misery for us, a source of mischief for us, a source of
corruption for us. Oh Allah bless us and our entire families and our
descendants and generations, until the day of judgment of Allah allow
us to be concerned for all of them, are Allah grant us from our
spouses and our descendants those that will be the joy of our site,
and oh Allah make us the Imams of the righteous ones, oh Allah make
from make us and from our progeny. Those who establish your prayer of
Allah that love you, and that believe in your oneness and
declare your oneness and our Allah, we ask that you protect us
and our families, and the entire Muslim from all of the fitness
which are out there, all of the distractions which are out there,
all of those things which cause us to deviate. Oh Allah allow us to
understand our own qualities that you have given us and to use them
in the right way and in the beneficial way, and allow us to
you allow us to understand our weaknesses and to harness our
weaknesses and control our weaknesses and to deal with them.
Likewise, your Allah will grant us the ability to do proper tarbiyah
of our children. This is a big responsibility you have given us,
Oh Allah, but this is the way the human race will continue. This is
the way that is a source of sadaqa jariya for us as well for every
good tarbiyah that we give our children and our grandchildren and
so on. We will benefit from this after Oh Allah allow this job to
be facilitated and easy for us. Oh Allah. So these massage that have
been established Please bless all of those who have contributed and
established these massage and assisted these massage and Oh
Allah, bless the Imams, bless the community, the committee members,
bless all of those who have assisted in any way of Allah,
whatever work has to be done to this masjid and other massaging of
Allah allow it to be completed. Remove any obstacles and
hindrances in its path of Allah We ask that you accept us all for the
service of your deen and Allah you grant a Shiva from our problems
and our other issues and grantors cure from our spiritual and
physical ailments. And oh Allah. Oh Allah, Oh Allah, you make us
productive individuals. Subhana Rebecca robola Is that Yama
Yasunaga Salam al mousseline Al Hamdulillah.
The point of a lecture is to encourage people to act to get
further an inspiration, and encouragement, persuasion. The
next step is to actually start learning seriously to read books
to take on a subject of Islam and to understand all the subjects of
Islam at least at the basic level, so that we can become more aware
of what our Dean wants from us. And that's why we started Rayyan
courses, so that you can actually take organize lectures on demand
whenever you have free time, especially for example, the
Islamic essentials course that we have on the Islamic essentials
certificate, which you take 20 Short modules, and at the end of
that inshallah you will have gotten the basics of most of the
most important topics in Islam and you'll feel a lot more confident.
You don't have to leave lectures behind you can continue to live,
you know, to listen to lectures, but you need to have this more
sustained study as well as local law here in Santa Monica one hour
to live record