Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – How to Say Sorry
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa
salatu salam ala so you did more saline what are the early he was
talking to you about a cover seldom at the Sleeman Kathira on
Elomi Dean Amma bad God Allahu de Barco Tada feel Quran in Nigeria
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enough is a rah rah evil Cal we mean Aloha either. We're laughing
in our own in Walla who knew Hey, Bullmore Sydney. So the Kola hula,
we
what I want to speak about today is something which has a massive
impact if it is not taken care of. And what this is, is this idea
that some people have have not been able, or thinking that it's
actually below them to be able to apologize, even if they know
they've done a wrong.
So basically, the the way it goes is a person thinks to themselves.
Come on, why should I be sorry? It wasn't a big deal anyway, they
trivialize matters, they think that it's there's no real need for
being sorry, there's no need for apologizing.
I can't say sorry. They say
my fault wasn't as big. They think it's not worth saying sorry, to
he or she must apologize first.
It's so embarrassing to be apologetic.
person feels very apologetic, very embarrassed that they have to
apologize. What I've actually noticed after dealing with a
number of different people in different capacities, whether that
be as a colleague, whether that be as a principal, whether that be as
a friend, whether that be in terms of counseling, listening to
husband and wife, stories of conflict, and, and so on, one of
the biggest problems in breakdown of relationship is the fact that
person cannot say sorry, the reason for this is very simple.
It's very simple, because nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes.
And we've noticed before
nobody, nobody's perfect, everybody makes mistakes.
A person should take out their mind that they're looking for a
perfect person, once you've recognized that human beings make
mistakes, you will get over a massive hurdle. And we have to, we
have to then include ourselves in that as well, that we also make
mistakes. Once we recognize that we all make mistakes, we have to
then understand that it harms others it hurts others and
sometimes people are more sensitive than us some something
that we may not think is very, very hurtful, or very harmful or
very serious or something very
sensitive, others may consider that to be sensitive. So always
look at the other and there is absolutely no problem in
apologizing.
So a person generally feels that they need not to apologize. In
fact, we have actually seen people who are very religious in every
other sense, they're very practicing, they seem in, in all,
you know, in many other aspects, like they're making their salah,
they're dressing, well they're doing this, they're doing that
they're involved in that or work, they're involved in teaching
whatever they may be. But this is a psychological complex they have
they cannot say sorry. And it's a massive problem. Because what that
does is going back to the point that everybody makes mistakes,
we've made a mistake. Now let's just own up to it. Rather than own
up to it, they don't they keep saying that, Oh, it's going to be
below me, they just don't have the ability. Some people just do not
have the ability to say sorry, it's just like the person who when
there's a fundraiser, there's a good cause they're not able to
spend, there's something that needs to be done, they have just
no ability to get up and go and help. There's a person who's just
very laid back, they just don't have the oomph in them. It's
literally that kind of a weakness. That's what I've noticed, because
I've seen some really decent people in every other sense in
many others and very decent, but they just have a hard time in
apologizing. Even if they told that, you know, an apology was
sought this out, they find it very difficult. It's a psychological
barrier that they have in their mind that if I apologize,
something's gonna happen to me. They just can't apologize. In
fact, I've seen cases when people are wrong, they know they're
wrong, but they're still not willing to apologize. And because
of that, it causes a massive problem, something that could have
been just dealt with simply by just saying sorry, you know, in a
decent in a sincere way. It just becomes a massive mountain. For
example, let's just take a simple example. There was a car swerved
in front of you or use world whether
you know by mistake or you are trying to avoid something in the
road the other person doesn't know so he beeps at you. Alright, and
you know, and then after that you get angry and you start beeping at
them.
And now the other way to do it is is just kind of put your hand up,
or put your blinkers on, right to just show you're sorry. And that's
it, it's ended, it's finished. But if you don't, then you put your
hand up as well, you stick a finger out to them, and they stick
a finger out, and it just carries on roll the windows down, then
they get out, people are killed over these kinds of things, road
rage, and that's an example on the streets. Another simple example.
Another simple example is that at home, this is where the biggest
conflicts take place in marriages, because one member is not willing
to say sorry, to the other, even though they are in clear wrong
there in clear, clear error, they're not willing to say, say
sorry, to the other person, it happens over and over and over
again. But then they become defensive. So if something
happens, I mean, one of the examples, I remember, when
somebody's telling me that her husband comes home really, really
tired from work. And he is he asked for a cup of tea or whatever
the case is, wife brings it to him, and he slips out of his hand.
It slips out of his hand. Now, there's many ways that this can
go. He stopped saying, Oh, you didn't wash this cup probably had
a bit of oil on there. And that's why it caused it to slip. You
didn't Don't wash the dishes properly. Right? Or it could be
the other way around that the wife starts and says, Oh, man, how
clumsy you are. You don't you don't, you know, you don't even
know how to hold a cup. So this is, let's just imagine that this
statement was made from either side. Now, how does the other side
respond to this? Right? Now, generally, there's going to be a
response, there has to be an apology for this to stop. So for
example, if if the person does say something nasty, like I'm really
sorry, I shouldn't have said that. End of story. End of story.
However, if they keep going on about it, and it just becomes a
massive argument, somebody's done something wrong, they didn't buy
the thing that they were supposed to buy, they didn't, they didn't
cook the food on time they did this, that or the other, they made
a mistake. They whatever the mistake is in marriage, just
apologize. Once you've apologized, it's done. It's a done deal. If a
person doesn't apologize, then what's going to happen is that
when when a person does something wrong, it creates a criminal in
the heart. shaytaan was always there to try to
make these things make these matters worse.
So shaytan is always there to make these matters worse, so when
something wrong happens from one side, she stands there to try to
aggravate the matter. Now what we need to do is, if we've realized
that we've done wrong, or it's harmed and hurt the other person,
then just say sorry, I said this psychological barrier is very
difficult to overcome. But once you overcome it, then it is so
much easier because you will become such a more likeable person
saying sorry, and apologizing doesn't put a person down. This is
what people think that this means that I'm going to be the lower
person, I'm always having to say sorry. Now look, there are certain
special cases where one person dominates the other and always
makes them say sorry, but we're not even talking about those kinds
of specific circumstances, what we're speaking about is a case
when a person has genuinely done something wrong, and they're still
not willing to apologize. apology is just not on their tongue saying
sorry, is not in their vocabulary. And there are people like that
they just cannot say sorry. It's a massive problem. Once we learn how
to say sorry, and the only way you can learn to say 30 is by
understanding that you've got a problem that I cannot say sorry,
when you've recognized that then one day you will say sorry, and
then you will see that actually, oh, the reaction was much better
than I thought this is actually worth it, you actually get more
out of it. It's actually better to say sorry, than not to say sorry,
because at the end of the day, it's let's just talk about a
husband and wife scenario. It's if you say sorry, then it just makes
the matter more easy. Because you have to live with this person.
What's the point of winning an argument winning a debate, keeping
on your staying on your high horse and then after a spoiling a long
term relationship in which others like children are involved as
well, then rather than just saying sorry, and, and mashallah,
improving it? So
a lot of the time, these people who have a problem with saying,
Sorry,
even if they do say, sorry, because they've got the
psychological barrier, they're sorry, is never sincere. So
they'll kind of mutter like, sorry, under their breath. Or they
might say something like, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have done
that. I'm sorry, but
it wasn't my fault. I'm sorry. But you know, I don't know why you're
so sensitive. So they always add something to it, because it's like
they're thinking that if they say sorry, they will have to come off
from their high horse.
That's what the problem is. So even if they do manage to say,
sorry, it's always negated straight afterwards, they cancel
it out straight afterwards.
by making an excuse, that is not a sincere Sorry, sorry, is there to
heal the other person's heart. Remember that. If you treat if you
if you take sorry, as being something that will heal the other
person's heart, then you'll understand the way that the story
is said is also very, very important. So number one, they say
that basically, if you're giving an apology, there needs to be at
least three things you must do number one, say sorry, I in
however you say that in a positive way, number two, accept your
mistake and fall and look, you know, I understand I've got some
problems there. Right, I understand I shouldn't have done
that. In that's it, it's done. It clears the air. Right? Number
three.
If the third thing is very important, because if you have to,
if you've gotten yourself used to saying sorry, all the time, hey,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, and everything, right, that's another
extreme, but you're not trying to rectify your problem. You're
constantly doing the same thing and you think sorry, is going to
work. So sorry, becomes very easy for you to say it doesn't mean
anything anymore, because really the true sorry and apology is that
you also learn to discontinue the problem or at least try to improve
the issue. So number one to say sorry to accept your mistake, and
or fault or whatever or or whatever the issue is. And number
three is to try to understand
try to rectify oneself try to understand why am I having this
problem, try to rectify oneself, and to try to fulfill the loss
that has occurred. This is just like Tober a Toba to Allah
subhanaw taala, which is basically an apology to Allah subhanaw
taala. It's exactly the same thing. You must say I did wrong. I
apologize. I do. istikhara ask you for forgiveness. And I won't do it
again. That last but I will never do it again. That at least to feel
that way is important for Toba
to to feel regret over it and another Moodle button. That's what
the Hadith mentions that no Dharma which means to be remorseful is
also a Toba. So if you look at the same thing, when it comes to
apologizing to somebody else, the whole idea is not just to say
sorry, but it's to mend the person's heart and try to not
upset them again. That's the whole point. So that's why one has to
really reflect on the best way to deal with the issue afterwards and
to remove the problem that caused it in the first place.
In the verse that I mentioned in the beginning, Allah subhanaw,
Taala is saying, well, Calvino, hi, these are the people who have
MACURA from the Lord, those who spend unification, those who spend
in the path of Allah both secretly, both
openly, and they have, they are able to control their anger. So
anger is what causes a person not to apologize, although I believe
that it's a level beyond anger, these people are not angry all the
time. They just have a psychological barrier that they
can't get over. And they have to learn how to overcome that barrier
by saying sorry, and then to realize that it's not going to put
them down, but it's actually going to win them a lot of points.
That's why there's a very interesting saying which goes like
this, it says, the first to apologize, is the bravest. There's
actually bravery in that these people who cannot say sorry, they
actually cowards, because they don't understand that they have an
issue. And they think that they're going to lose something by saying
sorry. So if they actually say sorry, that means they've actually
acted as an act of bravery, they've taken the first step.
That's why he also mentioned the first to apologize is the bravest.
The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget
is the happiest, because the person who keeps it inside.
The one who keeps it inside is going to be sad all the time. But
a person who forgets first they're going to be satisfied. That's why
there's a hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam says Alberdi OB
salami, burry, Amin el Kebir, the one who starts the Salam is the
one who is free of arrogance. So imagine that two people either
meet together and one is waiting for the other one to make salam
for them. This is kind of an extreme situation, where they feel
that the other one should greet me first, because I'm bigger than
them. I'm higher than them. I'm mightier than them. I'm more
powerful than them. So the first one to give salam generally is the
one who doesn't have the keeper because they're making the Salaam.
Likewise, in a case of conflict where a person has had some
conflict with somebody, there's some renco in the heart, there's
some distance, then the first one person who tried to come and
reconcile and say a Salam aleykum because Salam really helps to
create a bonding and remove any kind of bad air. So the person who
says salam is supposed to be the one who is free of kibra.
This second, another thing that a person must do is push aside their
ego
to remove the pride or the sense of pride that you have and to
understand that the state
Longer person, the more noble person is the one who is actually
able to say sorry, and to apologize. This shows that you
value your relationship. This tells you that if you say sorry,
in a half hearted way, then it means that you don't have value
for the relationship. If you value the relationship as being more
than anything else, right, then say sorry. Now, if you think that,
oh, it's,
I don't need to say sorry, and this is this is an issue, or
whatever the case is, then what you're doing is you're
jeopardizing you're just creating greater acrimony and greater
problem by saying sorry, it helps a lot.
If you can't say sorry for the person, then say sorry for Allah
subhanaw taala. That's another very important point. If you can't
say sorry for them, because of whatever the case is, say sorry
for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. And you will be given a
greater reward in general, if you manage to defuse the situation
because Allah subhanaw taala loves a person who reconciles between
two other people. So can you imagine the reward of the person
who starts to make reconciliation between them and somebody else, if
the reward is so great for reconciling between two other
people, then how much reward is there for reconciling between you
and that person by being the first one to apologize and to say,
sorry,
number three, be quick to apologize. Don't wait too long, be
as quick as possible to apologize. That's why, because the Prophet
salallahu Alaihe Salam said in a hadith of Buhari that it is not
permissible for a person to desert another to desert his brother,
which basically means for one Muslim to desert, another Muslim
beyond three nights, the one turning away, and the other, when
they meet, the one turns away. And the other one turns away, says the
better of the two is the one who is the first to greet the other.
Now remember, this is actually to do with individuals who are not
your kin. When it comes to Kin, you're not even allowed to break
up with them. So sorry, should be said immediately. If you have an
issue with your parents, you have an issue with your children, you
have an issue with your brothers and sisters, uncles, aunts,
anybody, brother, anybody else who's so kin of you, kin to you,
then you cannot even go up to three days, three days is for any
other person that you shouldn't go beyond that. Likewise, with
husband and wife, they should try to make up as soon as possible.
Number four, admit your shortcomings and take
responsibility. So for example, if I sit down to eat, there's less
salt in the in in the food, and I go and I get a tantrum about it.
Because I've had a bad day or whatever the case is, sometimes it
happens. And I make a big deal out of it. Now, I realized that I'm
the one who started this off. Because at the end of the day,
nobody puts less salt or more salt into something on purpose. I'm
assuming, you know, most people they do this out of mistake
carelessness, or you know, whatever the case may be, but at
the end of the day is not on purpose. So once I've calmed down
from my anger, right, I must say sorry. And I say look, I'm really
sorry for starting this off and saying this in the first place,
then you will generally see that the person will say, Okay, I'll be
more careful. But at the end of the day, what we have to realize
is that the less salt in the food was an act of carelessness act of
forgetfulness, right, which can be forgiven. But what I did was
basically, I started something off, I could have said it in
different ways. So the aggression has come from my side. So why
don't I just say, sorry? And generally, if I'm going to say,
sorry, then from the other side, it's going to be okay, you know,
yes, I forgotten, I should have done this, I should have done
that. But if I keep going on about it, it's just going to cause a
massive problem. Everybody then loses the children lose, and
everybody else loses in that regard.
Number four, which was admit your shortcoming take responsibility.
Don't sound insincere or cold. When you do that, have it be
genuine, don't like this matter that I apologize, or sorry, or,
you know, like Sorry, like, you know, like, here you go, sorry,
you know, like type a type of thing, make it genuine, make it
sincere, make it mean something like, I'm really sorry, take the
name of the person, say a loving word, if it's, if it's husband and
wife, that sounds so much better.
Number five, if it's an issue that needs to be clarified, then you
need to discuss it. Right at the moment of anger, it's very
difficult to discuss something because people are just very
angry. But once you've said sorry, and defuse the situation, then
afterwards, go and try to clarify the situation. Because one is that
you've done something wrong. And you say, sorry, but the person
thinks that you're not trying to rectify or you did it on purpose.
Now, ie, they may not be willing to accept your excuse, then sorry,
may help, but they may not be willing to accept your excuse. So
then they may still think you did it on purpose. So later, then go
and try to explain and to clarify the look, I didn't do it on
purpose. This was the reason.
Try to basically restore the trust and confidence in you. That's very
important. restoring confidence, and trust is very important.
Number six, show that you care. So try to do something, try to do
something to show that you will make amends. That's what's very
important. Again, going back to the fact that if a person is
learns how to say sorry, and then uses that for their sloppiness
uses that for their laziness uses that for being, you know, for not
wanting to do something and they said, oh, sorry, I'll do it, I'll
Sorry, I'll do it, but they never do it. That's also another extreme
disregard. So learn a lesson number seven, learn a lesson from
the incident. So try to rectify and try to understand, for
example, let's just say that somebody did something strange.
And the wife or the husband, they did something weird. And the
husband says, Look, don't do that. Like Don't pick your nose in
public, for example, or don't talk too loudly. Or don't mention my
secret affairs or our household personal affairs to others, and
the person did. Right. So then the wife says to the husband, why did
you do that? Or the husband said to the wife, who was the wife? Who
did that? Why did you do that for? Oh, everybody does that.
So everybody does something wrong? Does that mean you have to also do
wrong? Don't you want to be on a more honorable position? Don't you
want to be a better person? Why should you follow everybody in
wrong? So these are some of the general responses. Oh, everybody
does it? Right? My friends all do it. So what? Why should you follow
your friends in evil? You should follow your friends in goodness,
if they've got any goodness. Otherwise, you show them what the
better ways? Oh, I didn't think it was too bad. That's another excuse
that people generally give. I didn't think it was too bad. Well,
the other person clearly found it bad. Why are you so sensitive for
about these things? That's another response. Why are you so sensitive
about this? And well, they are they're sensitive about these
things? Why don't you look at it objectively? Is it bad what you're
doing or not forget whether they sensitive or not? Is what you're
doing bad or not?
Right? That's the main thing that you have to you have to be
concerned about. Is it bad or not?
Another one is, well, that's how I am. That's how I am. Well, I know
that's how you are, that's why you're doing it. But should you be
like that? UCLA can be improved. That's why the professor has told
us to improve character. So all of these excuses, everybody does it.
Why are you so sensitive? It's not a big deal is another one, right?
That's how I am. Take it or leave it. That kind of attitude. All of
this is extremely, extremely harmful. That's why Allah subhanaw
taala the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, Fear Allah, wherever
you are, follow up an evil deed. With a good one, it will face it.
So we're always told if you do something wrong, don't persist in
your own but do something good so that you will face it and behave
good naturedly, with good nature. To others. We're Haruki Nast, B
Holyoake, in Hussen, as is the Hadith, related by Imam Imam
Timothy. That's why, unfortunately, today, just to
conclude, as I mentioned, it's it's a psychological barrier that
has to be overcome. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to remove this site
a psychological barrier. It's a sense of pride innocence, right,
and that a person has to come off the high horse. There are people
who I've seen progress in this regard where they couldn't say
sorry, then they will actually learn to say sorry, it still
doesn't come very naturally for them. It comes in a kind of an
awkward way. But at least you now know that they are making an
effort. Right? And they're developing in that regard. They
may be saying an awkward sorry now, but actually is better than
not saying sorry, at all. And just closing up and becoming defensive.
And making excuses. And just going round and round and round, simple.
Just say sorry. And the end of story. And I'm telling you just as
being a counselor, we've dealt with a number of these marital
cases, saying sorry, works magic. I'm not saying it's, it's the
antidote to everything. And it's like the, the solution to
everything. But it is a massive solution to many, many of the
problems because when you hear
issues between people, it always started with something small and
it escalated. If there was sorry, that was said at the beginning and
a genuine and sincere effort to change, then this would not have
carried on because at the end of the day, generally a husband and
wife the idea is that they are there to live together. This is
not a stranger on the street that cut you off when you are driving.
This is somebody that you're going to have to live with the person on
the street in the other car, you're never going to see them
again. But here, it's somebody that you have to you have to live
with. There are there are people who work in stores in in business,
and they're told that they are they undergo training, and their
training tells them the customer's always right. So whatever abuse
the customer gives you, you have to just act nicely with them
because at the end of the day, it's just going to be a bad
reference for you and a bad reference for the company. So
people are able to do this outside as the as a as a role they play
but when it comes home, they can't do this. So one must understand
that this is just a HELOC. This is just a HELOC. And may Allah
subhanahu wa taala accept these blocks from us. May Allah improve
our luck and may Allah allow us to avoid conflict. That's why Anessa
the Allahu Anhu there's a hadith that's related from him by Hakim
so on. It says that Rasul Allah, Allah some said, Jacoba, Kulu
Wakulla, Amber in your TermInfo, IACA, Wakulla Amarin your other
men who that beware or stay away from every matter, for which you
have to then make an excuse. So for those who say that it doesn't
matter, that's how I am, at the end of the day, you're not going
according to what the professor Lawson wants us from us, which is
that try to avoid these matters. If you do make a mistake, say
sorry, but at least try to then Reek, you know, try to enhance
yourself, try to rectify yourself, that is very important. Anybody
who feels that they are stagnant, and they're never going to change.
And that's the way they want them to be, then they have basically
struck themselves in their own foot, and they've just stopped
their growth, their spiritual growth. There's a few points that
I want to make before we finish. One is the benefits of I forgot to
mention the benefits of apologizing, the benefit of making
of providing an excuse for something and apologizing. One is
that when you apologize to Allah subhanaw taala, that this is
specific with that Allah subhanaw taala removes your sins from you,
when you apologize to somebody else for wrong that you've done.
Because if it's an aggression of hukou called a bad if it's the
rights of a person, essentially when you if you've harmed
somebody, then clearly you have violated their rights, Allah will
not forgive you until they forgive you. So that's why when you seek
an apology from somebody else, then Allah will forgive you. So
that way, our, our sins are effaced. So that's one of the
benefits. Number two,
the person who you are seeking forgiveness from you are bringing
their heart closer to you people love apology, right. And that's
why people should not be harsh and accepting apologies, even if they
know the person may be, you know, wrong, still saying an apology is
very, very important, very significant. That's why they
should accept that anyway. Number three, the other benefit is that
apologizing to somebody will clear their heart will purify their
heart, and it will help to remove any, any bad feeling that's
between them. Another one is excuse making sorry, apologizing
to somebody apologizing to somebody will prevent a greater
disaster, a greater problem and escalation. Number five,
the benefit of the person who gives an apology and the benefit
of the person who accepts an apology is that they will be given
humility, that is a road to humility, it's basically
destroying the psychological barrier a person has, so that will
also be of great benefit. And
any person who tries to reconcile between others will by apologizing
because essentially what you're doing is by apologizing, you are
reconciling and reconciliation between people is beloved to Allah
subhanaw taala so you will gain the love of Allah subhanaw taala
so basically, you're gaining reward, you're purifying the
hearts, you're cleaning the air, you're averting greater disasters,
and above all, you are also gaining the love of Allah subhanaw
taala that's why this is a no brainer. This is something that
let us work on removing the psychological block that we have
the psychological barrier that we have, may Allah subhanaw taala
help us in this regard working with that one and in hamdu Lillahi
Rabbil Alameen
Jazak Allah here for listening, may Allah subhanho wa Taala bless
you. And if you're finding this useful, you know,
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Wabarakatuh