Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – How to Deal Criticism

Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera
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The speakers discuss the importance of acknowledging criticism and apologizing for one's behavior. They stress the need for humility and apologizing to avoid losing respect from a relationship. The speakers also emphasize the importance of learning to deal with past mistakes and balancing efforts with others' efforts. The speakers emphasize the need for apologizing and avoiding negative consequences.

AI: Summary ©

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			What are the main issues here that
number three is how to deal with
		
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			criticism,
		
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			how to undertake criticism, and
how to deal with criticism.
		
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			Because clearly, if you want to
improve someone, there's gonna
		
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			have to be some criticism,
positive criticism, not negative
		
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			criticism. We're all human beings,
and we are all flawed. And we will
		
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			inevitably make some mistakes.
Every one of us, even after 20
		
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			years of marriage will make a
mistake. Because we're human
		
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			beings, we make mistakes all the
time.
		
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			That that's why nobody's perfect,
and both should be willing to
		
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			accept criticism from the other.
But they just have to learn to
		
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			constructively criticize in an
appropriate manner. If somebody is
		
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			arrogant.
		
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			And they cannot take criticism. Or
if you're too shy to speak your
		
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			mind, and you end up bottling all
of your bitterness and resentment
		
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			inside,
		
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			then this is going to be a recipe
for disaster, because you can't
		
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			bottle it up forever.
		
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			It's going to explode on the
bottling up is different from
		
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			tolerating, and dealing with
something, you can't go and
		
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			criticize everything that happens.
You can't tell somebody or for
		
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			every little thing that happens.
You have to pick your battles. But
		
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			you can't never or you can't
always never say every anything
		
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			and bottled it up until it becomes
make you angry, angry, and then
		
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			one day you will just say it in a
way that's just going to destroy
		
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			the whole thing.
		
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			That's like criticism is very
important in every relationship,
		
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			but it needs to be just
constructive, not negative and
		
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			contentious. negative criticism
hardly ever works. Right? The
		
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			Prophet sallallahu some used
positive criticism, right? For
		
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			example, when Abdullah Omar Radi
Allahu Anhu
		
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			the Prophet Sal awesome, just
mentioned to have salad the hola
		
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			Juan and her who is the daughter
of Omer or the sister of Abdullah
		
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			live normal. So he said that what
a excellent man Abdullah is like
		
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			your brother is such an excellent
man. If only he could perform the
		
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			extra Tahajjud prayer at night.
		
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			So instead of going into why don't
you do that your prayer at night,
		
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			said Oh, it'd be so such a
wonderful thing if you could even
		
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			do that. Right. So after that,
Abdullah, that really hits him,
		
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			and he would sleep very little at
night. And he would, he would
		
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			pray. So anyway, the next point,
then, is that you have to learn to
		
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			pick your battles, right, you
can't pick every battle. You can't
		
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			fight for everything, it can't be
100%, perfect. If you're looking
		
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			for 100% Perfection, just know you
will never get it because you
		
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			yourself aren't even 100% Perfect.
You know what I mean? There's
		
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			nobody perfect, there has to be a
given take, you have to learn to
		
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			pick your battles, right. And
obviously, this leads to the whole
		
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			concept of nagging. in inverted
commas nagging. When you want to
		
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			pick every battle, it means
nagging,
		
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			nagging, which means that goes on
and on and on what the other
		
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			person does, then they like they
dislike it, and then they learn to
		
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			close their ears to it. They don't
like it, but they learned to close
		
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			the ears to it. So it's not being
effective. That's why you can't
		
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			always nag somebody about
everything, they always put up a
		
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			wall, then that's just human
reaction to something. That's how
		
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			they deal with it. So the other
thing you have to remember is that
		
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			it's virtually impossible to
completely change another person,
		
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			virtually impossible. To change
another person, you can't have
		
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			them 100% the way you'd like them
to be, you know, before you get
		
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			married, you have this maybe ideal
spouse, this is how I want them to
		
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			be never happens that way.
		
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			But you can be satisfied with what
you have. Allah can make you
		
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			satisfied with what you have.
That's the important part here.
		
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			The other thing then is when your
spouse does criticize you or make
		
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			a mistake, which is bound to
happen, we have to develop the
		
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			humility to be able to accept the
mistake and apologize.
		
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			That's so important. You gain more
respect, when you apologize, you
		
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			don't lose it. Some people have a
psychological complex that if they
		
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			apologize, they feel they're going
to drop themselves. Even if 10
		
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			People tell them you are wrong.
I've dealt with a case where
		
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			the one spouse was told that they
were wrong by several people that
		
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			got involved and heard the story
both from his and her perspective.
		
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			And the several people that got
involved except maybe that spouse
		
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			is very close friends, because
they some some spouses very close
		
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			friends as blind as they are. They
are the biggest trouble. They
		
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			cause the biggest problems.
They're not your best advisors,
		
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			but anybody else neutral whether
you ask them whether the husband
		
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			asked him or the wife asked them,
they told him that they were
		
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			wrong.
		
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			What that spouse did was that she
or he cut off those people,
		
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			because they weren't talking in
their favor. They cut them off.
		
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			That just shows some kind of
psychological complex. That means
		
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			they need some kind of
psychological help you gain more
		
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			respect when you apologize, you
don't lose it because they know he
		
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			can apologize, he shows your
vulnerability shows that you're
		
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			easier person to deal with.
		
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			That's why the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam said that I
		
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			guarantee a house at the edge of
paradise for the one who gives up
		
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			arguing even if they're right.
		
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			To avoid the argument, even if
they're right, they give up the
		
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			argument, I give you a house at
the edge of paradise.
		
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			And a house in the middle of
paradise for one who abandons
		
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			lying, even when joking and a
house in the highest part of
		
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			paradise. For one who is beautiful
in their conduct, who deals with
		
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			it in the best of ways they're
going to get the highest place.
		
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			And so don't think that if you
apologize to defuse the situation,
		
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			and to make amends, that it's
going to be wasted. No, you're
		
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			going to get things for it. To
succeed in marriage, you must
		
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			learn humility. And the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi salam said that
		
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			the one who initiates the greeting
is free of pride. So you know,
		
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			when you have a little problem
with somebody and you feel bad
		
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			with each other, right? And then
it's like, he must apologize, she
		
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			must apologize. First, she must
say she must try to rectify first
		
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			because it was her problem or his
problem. The prophets, Allah Sam
		
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			is saying that the one who gives
the salam first to try to
		
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			reconcile, they're the best of the
people. They're free of pride.
		
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			And this has happened several
occasions, I felt I was right. And
		
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			I was like, No, this time, I'm
going to make sure that she comes
		
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			to me and not me. And then when
you read this hadith, when you
		
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			remember this hadith, like okay,
you know what, let me I'm gonna
		
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			get some reward for this, let me
do this. That's why these
		
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			headaches really help you should
have them on your phone somewhere.
		
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			Every time we have a contract,
read the Hadith. Unless you're so
		
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			angry, no, I don't want to read
them. She has to put in here. So
		
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			apologize. But another point I
want to mention quickly is that do
		
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			not hold grudges, you can't afford
to hold grudges with husband and
		
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			wife.
		
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			They become too heavy eventually.
And they mess up your
		
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			relationship.
		
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			Some waves have a habit of holding
on to small issues, keeping them
		
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			bottled up inside and allowing
them to fester, there's going to
		
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			be issues just have to nip them in
the bud, you have to deal with
		
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			them straightaway. And move on.
Holding on to past issues will not
		
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			make you feel any better. And your
husband will not even be able to
		
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			see how they are upsetting you.
Like sometimes the husband may do
		
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			something or the wife may do
something. And it upsets you. But
		
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			they don't know they didn't do it
on purpose. You held that inside?
		
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			They don't know what's the point.
		
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			You see what I'm saying? There's
no point.
		
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			It's very biased and unfair. Like
for example, right? A husband may
		
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			have had his dinner, and he forgot
to clear up the plate.
		
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			Now, because of the months and
months of bottling up small issues
		
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			this day when he came home and he
was really tired or weird, or he
		
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			just thinks he doesn't have to
clean up the plate. Because some
		
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			husbands doing like that they
don't have to clean up the plate,
		
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			right? They don't have to pick it
up.
		
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			He can come he can eat and walk
away. And then the servants the
		
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			wife is a servant. They think like
that they don't even help.
		
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			But this guy, you know, he was
maybe in a busy or whatever. So he
		
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			didn't pick up the plates. And
then she just burst out. Say you
		
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			never pick up the plate. And in
all the previous months, you don't
		
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			even put the rubbish out. You
don't do this and you don't do
		
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			that.
		
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			Why didn't you mention these
important points before except you
		
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			do it only when you're angry.
Because when you do when you're
		
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			angry, you can't do it tactfully.
You will then do it in anger. And
		
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			then it will just maybe he'll
start responding. And then it
		
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			doesn't work.
		
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			Finally, when it comes to
communication, it's important to
		
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			be on the same wavelength with
your spouse, you have to be on the
		
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			same wavelength.
		
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			Now this can initially be
difficult when you first get
		
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			married because you're both coming
from different wavelengths,
		
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			different kinds of perspectives.
You have to learn to get to know
		
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			each other and balance it out. If
he's the harsh one, she's the soft
		
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			one, then his harshness has to be
tempered down by her softness. And
		
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			her over softness needs to be
raised by you know by by his
		
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			efforts.
		
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			But once you get to know each
other, you have to learn to mature
		
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			with one another. Especially when
it comes to the issue of raising
		
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			children this if you're on day for
different wavelengths, you will
		
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			have great difficulty in bringing
up your children because then your
		
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			children will know and they will
play the spouses with one another
		
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			If they know their mother always
lets them do it. And the father
		
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			doesn't or they know their father
doesn't let lets them do it and
		
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			the mother doesn't. They're going
to be playing you and you're going
		
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			to get angry with one another and
your children are going to know
		
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			this.
		
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			That is one of the worst things
that you can do.
		
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			You have to be on the same
wavelength