Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – How to Deal Criticism

What are the main issues here that number three is how to deal with

criticism,

how to undertake criticism, and how to deal with criticism.

Because clearly, if you want to improve someone, there's gonna

have to be some criticism, positive criticism, not negative

criticism. We're all human beings, and we are all flawed. And we will

inevitably make some mistakes. Every one of us, even after 20

years of marriage will make a mistake. Because we're human

beings, we make mistakes all the time.

That that's why nobody's perfect, and both should be willing to

accept criticism from the other. But they just have to learn to

constructively criticize in an appropriate manner. If somebody is

arrogant.

And they cannot take criticism. Or if you're too shy to speak your

mind, and you end up bottling all of your bitterness and resentment

inside,

then this is going to be a recipe for disaster, because you can't

bottle it up forever.

It's going to explode on the bottling up is different from

tolerating, and dealing with something, you can't go and

criticize everything that happens. You can't tell somebody or for

every little thing that happens. You have to pick your battles. But

you can't never or you can't always never say every anything

and bottled it up until it becomes make you angry, angry, and then

one day you will just say it in a way that's just going to destroy

the whole thing.

That's like criticism is very important in every relationship,

but it needs to be just constructive, not negative and

contentious. negative criticism hardly ever works. Right? The

Prophet sallallahu some used positive criticism, right? For

example, when Abdullah Omar Radi Allahu Anhu

the Prophet Sal awesome, just mentioned to have salad the hola

Juan and her who is the daughter of Omer or the sister of Abdullah

live normal. So he said that what a excellent man Abdullah is like

your brother is such an excellent man. If only he could perform the

extra Tahajjud prayer at night.

So instead of going into why don't you do that your prayer at night,

said Oh, it'd be so such a wonderful thing if you could even

do that. Right. So after that, Abdullah, that really hits him,

and he would sleep very little at night. And he would, he would

pray. So anyway, the next point, then, is that you have to learn to

pick your battles, right, you can't pick every battle. You can't

fight for everything, it can't be 100%, perfect. If you're looking

for 100% Perfection, just know you will never get it because you

yourself aren't even 100% Perfect. You know what I mean? There's

nobody perfect, there has to be a given take, you have to learn to

pick your battles, right. And obviously, this leads to the whole

concept of nagging. in inverted commas nagging. When you want to

pick every battle, it means nagging,

nagging, which means that goes on and on and on what the other

person does, then they like they dislike it, and then they learn to

close their ears to it. They don't like it, but they learned to close

the ears to it. So it's not being effective. That's why you can't

always nag somebody about everything, they always put up a

wall, then that's just human reaction to something. That's how

they deal with it. So the other thing you have to remember is that

it's virtually impossible to completely change another person,

virtually impossible. To change another person, you can't have

them 100% the way you'd like them to be, you know, before you get

married, you have this maybe ideal spouse, this is how I want them to

be never happens that way.

But you can be satisfied with what you have. Allah can make you

satisfied with what you have. That's the important part here.

The other thing then is when your spouse does criticize you or make

a mistake, which is bound to happen, we have to develop the

humility to be able to accept the mistake and apologize.

That's so important. You gain more respect, when you apologize, you

don't lose it. Some people have a psychological complex that if they

apologize, they feel they're going to drop themselves. Even if 10

People tell them you are wrong. I've dealt with a case where

the one spouse was told that they were wrong by several people that

got involved and heard the story both from his and her perspective.

And the several people that got involved except maybe that spouse

is very close friends, because they some some spouses very close

friends as blind as they are. They are the biggest trouble. They

cause the biggest problems. They're not your best advisors,

but anybody else neutral whether you ask them whether the husband

asked him or the wife asked them, they told him that they were

wrong.

What that spouse did was that she or he cut off those people,

because they weren't talking in their favor. They cut them off.

That just shows some kind of psychological complex. That means

they need some kind of psychological help you gain more

respect when you apologize, you don't lose it because they know he

can apologize, he shows your vulnerability shows that you're

easier person to deal with.

That's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that I

guarantee a house at the edge of paradise for the one who gives up

arguing even if they're right.

To avoid the argument, even if they're right, they give up the

argument, I give you a house at the edge of paradise.

And a house in the middle of paradise for one who abandons

lying, even when joking and a house in the highest part of

paradise. For one who is beautiful in their conduct, who deals with

it in the best of ways they're going to get the highest place.

And so don't think that if you apologize to defuse the situation,

and to make amends, that it's going to be wasted. No, you're

going to get things for it. To succeed in marriage, you must

learn humility. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam said that

the one who initiates the greeting is free of pride. So you know,

when you have a little problem with somebody and you feel bad

with each other, right? And then it's like, he must apologize, she

must apologize. First, she must say she must try to rectify first

because it was her problem or his problem. The prophets, Allah Sam

is saying that the one who gives the salam first to try to

reconcile, they're the best of the people. They're free of pride.

And this has happened several occasions, I felt I was right. And

I was like, No, this time, I'm going to make sure that she comes

to me and not me. And then when you read this hadith, when you

remember this hadith, like okay, you know what, let me I'm gonna

get some reward for this, let me do this. That's why these

headaches really help you should have them on your phone somewhere.

Every time we have a contract, read the Hadith. Unless you're so

angry, no, I don't want to read them. She has to put in here. So

apologize. But another point I want to mention quickly is that do

not hold grudges, you can't afford to hold grudges with husband and

wife.

They become too heavy eventually. And they mess up your

relationship.

Some waves have a habit of holding on to small issues, keeping them

bottled up inside and allowing them to fester, there's going to

be issues just have to nip them in the bud, you have to deal with

them straightaway. And move on. Holding on to past issues will not

make you feel any better. And your husband will not even be able to

see how they are upsetting you. Like sometimes the husband may do

something or the wife may do something. And it upsets you. But

they don't know they didn't do it on purpose. You held that inside?

They don't know what's the point.

You see what I'm saying? There's no point.

It's very biased and unfair. Like for example, right? A husband may

have had his dinner, and he forgot to clear up the plate.

Now, because of the months and months of bottling up small issues

this day when he came home and he was really tired or weird, or he

just thinks he doesn't have to clean up the plate. Because some

husbands doing like that they don't have to clean up the plate,

right? They don't have to pick it up.

He can come he can eat and walk away. And then the servants the

wife is a servant. They think like that they don't even help.

But this guy, you know, he was maybe in a busy or whatever. So he

didn't pick up the plates. And then she just burst out. Say you

never pick up the plate. And in all the previous months, you don't

even put the rubbish out. You don't do this and you don't do

that.

Why didn't you mention these important points before except you

do it only when you're angry. Because when you do when you're

angry, you can't do it tactfully. You will then do it in anger. And

then it will just maybe he'll start responding. And then it

doesn't work.

Finally, when it comes to communication, it's important to

be on the same wavelength with your spouse, you have to be on the

same wavelength.

Now this can initially be difficult when you first get

married because you're both coming from different wavelengths,

different kinds of perspectives. You have to learn to get to know

each other and balance it out. If he's the harsh one, she's the soft

one, then his harshness has to be tempered down by her softness. And

her over softness needs to be raised by you know by by his

efforts.

But once you get to know each other, you have to learn to mature

with one another. Especially when it comes to the issue of raising

children this if you're on day for different wavelengths, you will

have great difficulty in bringing up your children because then your

children will know and they will play the spouses with one another

If they know their mother always lets them do it. And the father

doesn't or they know their father doesn't let lets them do it and

the mother doesn't. They're going to be playing you and you're going

to get angry with one another and your children are going to know

this.

That is one of the worst things that you can do.

You have to be on the same wavelength