Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – How to Be a Priceless Sister
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim, Al hamdu Lillahi wa Salatu was Salam
ALA. So you didn't know Selena, while he was talking to he, he
married a mother. When you have a family, and in the family, you
have parents, and you have brothers and sisters, you have
children, both male and female. So obviously, Each one plays a very
specific part. And each one has a very particular role. So the
mother plays her part very important role, the father should
play his part. That's a very important role as well. But just
as the mother and father's role is very important, and generally
we're speaking about mother and father's relationship towards
their children. And we also speak about the obedient child and
children how obedient they should be to their parents. The other
aspect in this, the other very important factor in this are how
brothers and sisters should interact with everybody. So today,
what we're going to be looking at very quickly is just how the value
of a sister the position of a sister, and how sisters can
improve their position, and really fulfill the role that Allah
subhanaw taala has set for them, because each one of us has all of
these different relationships. So for example, a woman in the house
is going to be a daughter, she could be a mother, depending on
her role, but then she can also be a sister, if she has brothers, and
she has siblings, if she has other sisters as well. So what are the
values of a sister the way some other men have explained this is
that
the parents are like the doctors. And when it comes to the children,
they like the nurses and attendants. So they play a helping
role, especially the older brothers and sisters, they will
play a helping role towards the younger siblings. And that's a
very interesting kind of parallel parallel that somebody has brought
up. Because that really, you actually noticed this, that if the
older siblings have been trained well, and the tarbiyah has been
good, then generally, the parents task becomes easier as they have
if they have more children. And with the younger children, the the
task of the parents gets much more simpler, because without even
saying the older siblings, the older children, they take on this
position as being assistance and help us they don't have full
autonomy generally, but they help out and it helps a lot. So some of
the statistics I'll give you, which just puts things into
perspective. For us, they say some of these statistics, they say that
when siblings, they will spend about 33% of their time together,
siblings probably spend more time together than anybody else. So 33%
of their day would generally be on average spent with other brothers
and sisters, meaning other have their own brothers and sisters,
they play together, they fight together, they get sulky, they,
you know, have all of these kinds of interactions. It's also said
that between the ages of two and four, between the ages of two and
four, there's a clash every once at least every 10 minutes. So
between the ages of two and four, there's a there could be a clash
between about once with two, you know, every 10 minutes, that
lessens that, that gets less, that decreases. as they age, they
become their learning things as they age, because when it says
between four and seven years of age, then there's there could be a
clash, on average one in every 20 minutes and no longer in every 10
minutes. So as you can see, it's decreasing.
Generally, they say that anybody who has a sister will tend to be a
bit more compassionate, there'll be nicer people if they have a
sister.
Because generally, the effect of a sister is to make you more loved.
Because sisters should generally have this kind of compassionate
attitude being a woman being being a female, females generally are
more compassionate than male people, they can just express
compassion more. I mean, look, we do have exceptions, sometimes
where you get a very masculine, kind of characterized female who
doesn't show any emotion that you know, that could be different. But
generally speaking, women tend to be a lot more compassionate, lot
more softer in their approach, and a lot more kinda in the general
sense of it. So anybody who has a sister generally learns from that
attitude because they get that attitude. They learn sometimes,
because people generally learn more from people of their own age,
and their own kind of contemporaries than they do from
older people as such. So even if they have a very compassionate
mother, they're going to learn something from her, but then
they're going to learn something additional from a compassionate
sister as well. So generally brothers feel more loved. And if
they have a sister in general, the more there are children in the
home, the more chill
During their are in the home,
there's less likelihood of divorce, they say, when there's
more children in the home, there's going to be less likelihood of of
divorce just because of the dynamics that creates of everybody
pitching in, people getting together and doing many things
together, it's just, they become a kind of an autonomous unit where
they don't need as much than other social interaction. And it's all
in house. Because a lot of the time for people to get some
interaction, they have to go and interact with others, especially
very small families, you know, people have just one child or
maybe two children, especially if they're not very talkative. So
they will need other interactions, when you have a larger family than
all of that interaction generally happens in the home. As long as I
mean other factors, this is never an absolute statement, you can
never make this an absolute statement, because there's always
going to be many other facts, social condition, economical
condition, whether they've got enough to survive, whether the
parents are decent people, they're not on some drugs, or whatever,
and just having loads of kids or something of that nature. Now, we
have to take all of these into into consideration. But generally,
the more children that you have, then there's more, there's less
likelihood of a divorce taking place, there's a lot more, you
know, baggage attached, in a sense for somebody to make such a, you
know, such a decision.
The more the family, the stronger generally the bond as well.
Because, you know, if you don't have bond with one as much, you
could definitely have a bond with another one.
Sisters generally tend to bring another positive factor to the
story, which is that they generally that they managed to
teach better communication skills, because women are sometimes better
at speaking in some cases, or they speak more,
generally speaking, so better speaking, the brother will
generally tend to have a better speaking skills if he has a
sister, right. And again, you know, this doesn't have to apply
to every situation. But this is just general.
And also sympathy. The brothers will learn more sympathy if they
have sisters, again, because of that whole emotional sympathy,
sympathetic outlook that women generally having. In general, they
say that boys that come after sisters, meaning brothers that
come after sisters, if the brother is a younger one, they tend to be
better achievers, as well. I don't know what the reason for that. But
that's just another statistic out there.
What should be the qualities of a of a sister? What should be the
qualities of assisted specifically in that kind of relationship? At
the end of the day, the sister is a woman. And there are
characteristics that are very becoming very positive for all
women in general. But I'm just saying as a sister, what qualities
what qualities really help and characteristics number one, above
all else, love and compassion, love and compassion, because
sisters have a very particular way of showing their love. If you look
at the story of the Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam with his
milk sister, because he had no sister, biological birth sister,
but he did have a milk sister, a foster sister, you can call it
because for that short time when he was fostered by Halima
Saturday, or the Allahu Ana, so she had a daughter called shamer.
She had a daughter called shamer. And she would she was older than
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So she would actually
lull him to sleep. So she would sing that she would sing that Rob
Robina Abdullah, Muhammad Allah for her for her brother from that
young age. Many years later, he seemed the Prophet sallallahu
Sallam seemed to have lost any kind of contact with her. So many,
many years later, this woman appears in front of him, or
somebody says that, you know, there's somebody who is saying
that she's your sister, and she wants to visit you. So the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Then she introduced herself as as
Halima xdata, shamer. And then she also said that I've got a mark
that you gave me, which is when he bit her, right, so then all of
that was proven and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam gave
her a lot of respect, really honored her, and Saturday.
In fact, he laid his sheet out for her. So this is how brothers the
prophets of Allah ism is showing how he respects a sister of his
that is not even a hochiki real sister, but somebody who he grew
up with for for some time, in his infancy in his young childhood, so
he's showing that respect for her. So that shows how brothers need to
respect their sister as well. But then the sisters, this is the
characteristics that will demand that kind of respectful later or
will ingrain Inshallah, that kind of response to take place
afterwards. A lot of the time, what you see is that you know,
women they will, they will ask their brothers for dua for them,
you know, because generally it's the guys that will generally go
out and do something, become items or whatever the case is, so then
sisters will be asking their brothers to make dwarf and the
brother will be obviously more inclined.
Make dua for his system if he's getting that right kind of system
sympathy and love for her love from her home. For example, when
it came to Hamza, the Allahu Anhu. Hamza, the Allahu Anhu is the
uncle of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa. Hamza, the Allahu Anhu when he was
mutilated by him in the Battle of or heard the famous story, and he
was disfigured. I mean, hardly anybody could recognize him his
sister, who was Sofia Radi Allahu Allah, the aunt of Rasulullah
sallallahu alayhi wasallam. She wanted to come and see him. She
wanted to come and see him and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam didn't
want her to see her brother in that state because he felt that
maybe she couldn't, she wouldn't be able to bear that the scene. It
was such a gruesome kind of scene. So he tried to prevent her but she
insisted, and she said, I've not come to cry. She says I haven't
come to cry, but I've come to give glad tidings. And that was a that
was a sister. You know, that was a sister of the of Hamza, the Allahu
Ana Ana Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. If you look at
other stories, I should have the Allahu anha who's who had
brothers, Abdurrahman, boubakeur and others. She wrote a poem about
her brother, about being separated from him, and so on and so forth,
she said, is a very famous poem that's actually quoted in books
later as well, that I should have the Allahu Anhu wrote for her
brother. Number two, after the first quality of being loving,
compassionate, the second quality that our sister should have in
general, is to be supportive, is to be supportive. And
she needs to be supportive of her of her brothers of her siblings,
supportive and concerned about their welfare, she shouldn't just
leave things to the parents because she needs to have, of
course brothers have to have that as well. But this is obviously
because we're speaking to sisters here. That's what I'm speaking
about. Amara, the Allahu anhu, a sister, if you look at her concern
she had for her brother to become a Muslim. And it was her who is
considered to be you can say the immediate factor for his
conversion. Although his conversion story is long, but most
people know the fact that he was going to out for the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wasallam to possibly kill him as was in his
mind and he was diverted to his sister, and then he beat his
sister up and then after seeing his sister in that beaten state,
blooded, then he felt his pangs of sorrow and he felt regret and then
that soften his heart and then after that Islam came into his
heart, but that was because his sister mashallah managed to stay
up and fortify herself and keep herself stronger she did. So
that's another factor for sisters they only supportive and they
always concerned about their brothers.
You have a number of other stories as well, Mohammed immuno serine,
who's probably more famous for us among men and women than is his
sister. His sister was well known as well. Her name was half Sabine.
deseeding. She was a scholar and in her own right, and a very pious
lady. MashAllah very pious lady, though we know Mohamed Dibner
serine more than anybody else. However, it was his sister who
used to teach him how to read the Quran, improve his Quranic
recitation. So his sister assisted him even in his Quranic
recitation. In fact, they say that behind every successful man,
there's going to be a woman though, the world may not know
about her, because men aren't made just like that nobody's made just
like that. It's the mother has a massive impact in their life,
sometimes more than the Father. The Father may work as an
inspiration in some cases, right and support and so on. But the
mother is the one who has more hands on kind of attitude, hands
on effect on their on their children.
So if this is the effect of sisters, and can you imagine the
effect of mothers eventually, anyway, then you have
Aisha Radi Allahu anha. She didn't have any children of her own. So
she looks after she in fact, she brought up some of her nephews,
her sister's children, very famous Abdullah who Zubaydah was one
Kasim Abner Muhammad ibn Abu Bakr, another brother of hers was
Mohammed Mohammed Abdullah Abu Bakr. So she also looked after
Qasem Ebner Muhammad Qasim was another another one she taught was
Abdullah liveness obeyed his brother Ottawa eveness obey. That
was another one she taught as well.
So she looks after her brothers, her brother's children as well.
Number three, the third point that is important for sisters to have
is loyalty. She has to be loyal to her brothers and the family in
general but loyalty to her brother is very important. Because what
that's doing is for the brothers and for other sisters, it's
placing another woman
in the house that shows loyalty to them that help
There's a lot for us to understand this whole, you know, these gender
relationships, right? It's very nice to have a good sister in your
house. Because if you do have a bad experience outside, you don't,
you will not end up blaming women in general. And that's a very
important thing. So there's a very beautiful poem about
husband wife relationships by Imam Shafi. It's just a two liner. He
says that the people abundantly complain about there being such
difficulty when they, you know when it with their wives, when
they love women, and they blame it on the women, he says that you
don't blame it on the woman, the problem is with your bad way of
loving. So it's not about the woman, it's about the way that you
just don't have love for them, and the way that you should interact
with that love. That's why so it's all about a method of love. And if
a person has had many different examples of good love coming from
men and women, and that you're going to generally get in your
house, because that's the closest people you're going to be to, then
that is how much better you're going to be prepared to deal with
the, with the pitfalls of life, with the challenges of life.
Otherwise, there's people who don't want to get married again,
there's women who don't want to get married again, because they
had a bad experience with their husband. I think all men are like
that. And maybe in their own homes, they may have had an issue
or they didn't see enough, or whatever the case is. And
sometimes it's the other way around as well, where the man
doesn't want to get married again, because he thinks all women are
like that. And then he goes on for the rest of his life complaining
about women, that all women are like that. And no two humans are
alike. You know, yes, there are some common threads that go across
genders. But in general, there's a there's a massive difference that
and that if a person thinks all women are alike, all men are like,
they actually think in Allah subhanaw taala that they are they
actually think that Allah subhanaw taala hasn't done his job well
enough, whereas Allah has created so much uniqueness, so much ver
variants so much difference between between people. Number
four, which relates to number three, as well as honesty, Asst is
to be very honest, very honest, never lie, never lie. I mean,
these are obviously general characteristics that every person
should have anyway. But she should never lie, she should always be
truthful all the time. Because that helps to send that that helps
to send set that understanding of what a woman should be like what a
sister should be like. And it gives more reliance for the
brothers as well. And number five cars, trustworthy, trustworthy, it
can be relied on, right trustworthy, it can be relied on,
you know that you're not going to be deceived by your sister, right,
she's acting, the part especially this will probably be even more
when it's an older sister, because people look up naturally to older
people. So if you can get a better example out of an older person, so
if it's an older sister, then there's even greater impact. Now,
it doesn't mean that younger sisters don't have to act that
way. Because at the end of the day, she's still a sister. And
there is still that benefit to be gained as being a sister and to
provide as a sister. But generally, the older you are the
more responsibility that comes upon you in that sense. So you
don't be deceptive. You're always trustworthy, and never be
deceptive.
In general, though, just from a family perspective, the honor of a
sister is very important. The honor of the daughter of the house
is very important. In fact, according to many cultures around
and we and we have that similar culture in Islam as well, right,
is that the honor of the daughters in the house, marks the whole
family. If the daughters are honorable, the sisters are
honorable within the family, then the whole family is characterized
by honor, that what wonderful women they have, right? What
wonderful women they have in the house, that's a very important
aspect. Because people just tend to look less at the guys. Although
if a guy does something wacky, that's also going to be taken into
consideration. No doubt about it. Men don't get off scot free. But
women just hold the honor, way more in our culture as well.
Why should a person why should the person be grateful to have a
sister? Right? So this is talking about other sisters or other
brothers? Why should a person be grateful to have a sister? So one
is that number one, she helps to bring up the younger ones, more
than an older brother would do. Right? An older sister tends to
and there are so many families where the older sisters done most
of the task, especially if the parents have had
children later on. They've had a set of children and then they've
had some children later on. The older sister really plays the
part. A lot of that is changing now in Europe and in America
probably as well. Because
if the older sister is also career oriented, and she just wants to
pursue a career for you know, working this many hours a day and
so, you know, like full time work hardly has time for our own
children. She's gonna have no time for that if she's even married. I
mean, forget about having time for your own children probably won't
even be married if you're in that state until you're 3035 40 and
then after that.
People are then looking for a spouse at that age. It's
It's kind of crazy, it's it's losing the whole sense. It's
losing the whole sense of what a family should be start your family
younger. That's, that's when you have your energy. And it's kind of
crazy when sometimes you go to the school and all you see is most of
the parents are their older people, right? They're older
people, they should be grandparents by that time. And
they are now they've had their children the last 510 years. And
they're going to be struggling. Because the older you get, the
more sicknesses that come about, the less energetic you are. And
there's just so many things, but there's just so much wrong with
our society in general, for me to just pick up on this issue only
because it and hamdulillah with Muslims is still a bit different.
But it is going in that direction, where women and men in many cases
are just refusing to get married, even when they're 2025 is too
young yet, maybe 20 or 30, or something. Right. And it's just
totally wrong. So number one, because sisters generally help
parents bring up the younger siblings, that's a good reason to
have an older sister.
Another good reason, I mean, she will sign off the notes for you
for school. Right? If your mother doesn't do it for you, she'll sign
it off for you. And he's just kind of quirky ideas. What do siblings
in general learn from each other? And what do we learn from each
other as brothers and sisters.
So these are positives. Number one, love and support. A person
who's got a brother and sister The more the merrier. They have much
more skills
than person who's just single in the family. Because all he's gonna
learn from people at school, maybe if he's lucky, if he's being
homeschooled, then I feel sorry for him even more, although he's
benefiting one sense, but he doesn't have the social, you know,
so homeschooling may be good, but then you do need some kind of
social interaction with others, and many homeschools actually
manage that somehow or the other. But having more children at home
helps a lot. It shows it teaches you love and support. Number two,
it will teach teamwork, because eventually you can't argue with
your own sisters or late you're gonna have to get together and do
it. Especially when the parents are doing good therapy and
reinforcing good qualities. So they're not allowing some brothers
or sisters to bully the rest of them. And take everything, take
all the Lego take all the all the all the toys and everything like
that, right. So love and support. Teamwork is another thing that
they learn. Number three is tolerance, they have to learn
tolerance, your brother's taking something off you your sister's
taking something off you, she didn't do something for you,
you're gonna have to learn tolerance. So all of these
interactions you learn from number four, conflict resolution is
another thing that you learn, because you have conflicts. And
sometimes the friends say, Look, you guys deal with it, you guys
sort it out together, they're going to have to learn to sort it.
Otherwise, you're going to be miserable, either miserable, you
can go off in a huff, but then you're going to be miserable for a
while. So that's another thing. And number five, you learn
leadership, there's going to be some talented leader within that
who's going to have to learn to deal with things and then going to
learn from the effects of his decisions or her decisions. I made
the wrong decision. This is what happened. So people need to be
thoughtful about this. But then that's what you learn. Children
need leadership skills, six, assertiveness and confidence, very
important for outside if you get that kind of training inside. So
that's beneficial. I guess with all of this, people are thinking
well, we need to have more children, because then it provides
a better playground, a better learning grant a better school of
natural social interaction. So assertiveness and confidence, and
then you learn negotiation skills. You have to learn negotiation
skills, you can't get everything by bullying somebody, the younger
ones are going to have to learn negotiation skills to get
something they want from the you know from from the large family
that they have from their brothers and sisters. So these are a number
of the benefits but as it as it is, with all of these qualities, a
sister, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
has shown us through his own life, that sisters need to be respected,
they have a very special position. At the end of this day, this
sister is going to be a mother tomorrow. And if she plays her
part in her home, in the correct way according to the Sunnah by
inculcating all of the good characteristics that inshallah as
a parent, she's going to do even better, because she may have some
things that she wants to do, but her parents won't let her do it.
But when she gets her own children, she is going to have to
she she is going to be able to implement those ideas and see if
they work or not. And she's obviously going to have learnt
already from her time at her own house. So that's why being a good
sister at home and playing your part. Right helps a lot afterwards
when you have your own children as well and in life in general. So
may Allah subhanaw taala grant us to to seek to be great brothers
and great sisters. Welcome to day one and in hamdu Lillahi Rabbil
Alameen