Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Fulfilling the Sexual Needs of Marriage

What I want to mention is that some husbands or some wives, they,

they don't allow the other one to do something halal.

If it's halal you want, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy

and so on, you should be open about this. So, I guess moving on

to a different subject, slightly different subject, the importance

of sexual intimacy and sexual fulfillment in a marriage is can

cannot be emphasized enough. There are so many cases where there are

problems between husband and wife. And generally, the problems that

mentioned to you is that you know what, he always leaves his socks

laying around, he doesn't clean up afterwards, he is he says this to

me, he says that to me, or he's complaining about her that she

acts like this, and she acts like that.

Those are all symptoms, they all the surface issues. A lot of the

time when you have to listen to somebody, you have to realize that

the core issues will be a few. Otherwise, the top issues they

start on the other day are all because of a core issue. And

sometimes in many cases, the core issue could be his stingy, money

issues, or his violent. Number three, he is cannot fulfill her

sexually.

Or she doesn't fulfill him secretary.

I'm being very clear about this. It is so important. Now for a man

to be sexually fulfilled. It's easy, right? Because it's quite a

straightforward linear process. But with women, it's more

complicated. And a lot of men don't understand that they don't

understand a woman's sexuality at all. They think it's like a man's.

So all they focus on is their own sexuality, their own fulfillment.

Whereas if you look at the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu sallam,

and the suggestion by the OMA

they make it very clear, you know, the West.

They've only understood in many cases, female sexuality, everybody

knew male sexuality, but female sexuality in the last 5060 years.

It sounds mind boggling. But seriously, they've only understood

in the face. I mean, women used to go 1920s 30 days to go to the

doctor for anxiety problems.

And how

the doctors used to use their fingers, not in a sexual way, but

basically to relieve their frustration. And this was not this

was a task. It was not like some kind of sexual thing. This was a

task. So they invented this thing to make their job easier. And now

it becomes a * toy.

They just didn't know that female sexuality is. I mean, I hope I'm

not wrong about this, but it was discovered 1940s and 50s. As to

what exactly is it and so on. In Islam. This was clear from before

in our tradition, you've got books on * education, in Arabic and so

on. Ibnu Sina and all these other people, they women section is very

clear. I mean, I'll get I'll show you.

Here you go. This is ignore Kodama al bhakti. See, a great humbly

scholar who died in 1223. That's 800 years. Ibnu. Kodama. Al

makdisi, in his book called Al Morgagni. Famous famous book on

thick right 620 Hijiri. Right. 1400 way now, long time ago. This

is where he writes. It is preferable to enjoy foreplay with

his wife before sexual penetration to arouse her desire, so that she

receives a similar pleasure to him from the *. It is related

from Omar Abdulaziz that the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, do

not make love to her until she has experienced desires similar to

what you have. Let's do climax before she does.

Those who are not married, you can maybe leave. Right because this is

serious stuff. Right? This is all in the book, but I've some some

readers before I published they said this may be sensitive for

some non married couples and unmarried people. So I put a

disclaimer there that but it's in the books, it's in the books of

Islam. Right and you're mature enough. You should know this so

you don't make this mistake.

I asked Is that on me? Like is that the man is asking is that my

responsibility to make her satisfied?

He said yes, you should kiss her feel her with your hands and touch

her. When you feel that she is aroused as you as you then you

should make love to her. Then if no Kodama continues later on, he

says, if he finishes before she does, it is undesirable for him to

withdraw from her until she finishes to

based on what is related from Annecy below Malika deonda The

Messenger of Allah Subhan Allah

Why you some set? Now this is a Hadith that's related in the

Muslim Abuja Allah. He said, When a person makes love to his wife,

he should do so well with sincerity, which means affection,

compassion, love. If he does fulfill his desire before she

fulfills hers, he should wait until she finishes. That's the end

of the Hadith then ignore Kodama carries on he says, also because

it is harmful to her and prevents her from fulfilling her desire.

Can you see how clear and explicit This is in our tradition?

The West only got this in the 1950s 70s, or whatever it is. And

they've just taken it to a different limit now, because

they're still, you know, exploring the beginnings of it. They haven't

had the test in Islam. We've had this from before. But

unfortunately, not all Muslim men know this, which is a problem.

And men should notice this is part of it, because they're these cases

I've dealt with and the frustration is sexual.

Because one side generally,

if the man is

I wasn't sure if I was going to do this session here, but I guess,

came about, and I hope it's useful Inshallah, right? Generally, from

the man's perspective, he's just inconsiderate. And I think the

rule of thumb is very simple.

Make sure that she finishes before you do.

Simple, because when a man finishes, then he can't carry on.

But when a woman finish she can still carry on. That's the

sexuality of men, women. All right.

There's lots of studies on this. There's lots of studies I can't go

into all right now because that's not the point we'll have to do a

special session for that, right. But from the woman's perspective,

the challenges is, when she has a child, then she gets put off

because her a lot of fatigue, a lot of tiredness, a lot of focus

is now focused on the child. One woman just asked me a question.

Last few weeks ago, when you had a session with just women, she said

my husband was asking for it five times. I've just had a child, he's

asking five times a week.

My first question is like, what are you feeding him? Right.

But basically, the advice I gave, because a lot of women they feel

that, especially when you get caught up in this whole western

idea that

rights and all that everything else,

what you have to understand is that you don't have to have full

penetrative satisfaction. If you're not able to talk to your

husband, and say, look, it's difficult for me, I you know, I'm

just just not in the mode, right now. Use other means to satisfy.

And if you have that kind of illness, when it comes to

sexuality, you should have a conversation.

It's difficult to have that conversation. But husband should

have that conversations with their wives in whatever easiest way they

can get them a book maybe or something. And the wife should

have that conversation with the husband, be upfront about your

issues. Otherwise, it just leads to a lot of frustration. So many

marriages are on the rocks because of this frustration, but they

can't voice it.

They can't voice it. So make sure that that doesn't happen,

especially after children, a lot of women, they say we just don't

feel like it. The advice my wife provides a simple set, you don't

feel like going to work in the morning. If you have children, you

don't feel something you just saw that you don't feel like getting

them ready and taking them to school, if that's your

responsibility. But once you get up and you get into it, you can

start even enjoying the act. So basically, the idea is that if you

just have this attitude is not it's my right not to, I've got a

right to say no, then you're not going to satisfy because you have

to remember that advice is for women, you have to remember for a

man, when he wants it, he wants it.

And if you don't give it to him, he's gonna go somewhere else. Not

necessarily he will go somewhere else, but he's going to start

looking elsewhere. And that is why Allah understands that. That's why

he suggested that the one law is that the wife should never refuse.

Of course, he should be considered if she's totally sick and so on.

If she can refuse in that case, no doubt about it. But if she can,

she needs to.

As long as the husbands also consider it, you may not feel like

you may not feel like it in the first place. But you can get

yourself involved and enjoy it. If you look at it too far towards it

as a sacred enjoyable act. Then even when you don't feel like you

may feel like it sometimes it's difficult to stop pray to pray.

But you know, you have to pray. So what do you do you make will do

and then you get into it, and you start praying. So okay, that's

what I'm gonna say. Hopefully that's enough.