Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Constantly Complaining About Everything
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hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu salam ala UD mursaleen
weither early he was sabe he remain unmarried Rasul allah
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that a believer
is Lisa McMann with Taran well Allah and what alpha Hische.
What well, buddy, the prophets, Allah, Lord ism said all of these
things together, he said that a believer should not be vulgar,
rude.
And anything to do with that a person should not be somebody who
curses others, Darren, cursing others, constantly, Diane does it
often. And that obviously takes into the understanding that a
person might sometimes do it, but thought and all of these that are
being used here to earn law. And the Latin means to curse someone
turn means to accuse somebody or say something bad about somebody.
So all of these things, it's talking about somebody who's
constantly doing this, when somebody constantly does something
like that, it becomes a habit, it's being done out of habit, it's
a way of them satisfying themselves. So this is a short
thing that I want to mention about quickly. If we look at the reality
of our lives, every one of us has probably something to complain
about, because this world is never going to be 100%. Perfect. That's
the description of paradise 100%, perfect. Perfection is only in
paradise. However, in this world, you can make everything, a path to
Paradise, and something that a person can, doesn't have to
complain about. So for example, in this world, when we speak about
our realities, and sometimes in our realities, we've got issues.
So some people might be in a situation, which is they just
don't like the job that they do. Or they've got a very, very, very
difficult child, or they got a very, very difficult father or a
mother or a brother or sister, or somebody or a co worker, or
whatever that may be, and they don't find a way to get out of
that situation. So for example, a person contacted me the other day
saying that I've, what what, you know, what's the problem? Or how
bad is it for me to stop speaking to somebody, I said, You see, this
is where a lot of people misunderstand something you people
aren't required to speak for hours with others and hold big
discussions with them, if they find that they're having problems
with these people. What is necessary, though, is that you
don't break yourself off completely, that you start
avoiding each other not talking at all. One is that you can just give
a Salam and how are you and then move on, you're not required to
sit and talk to somebody, but this person kept asking me for the
ruling about that. And then I said, Look, can you give me the
situation? Because it's, you know, to give a ruling, can I just stop
talking to somebody? Would it be haram, it's very difficult because
there are certain cases in which that is allowed. Then eventually,
he told me that when I go to work, there's a person who's constantly
bothering me, there's a person who is constantly bothers me. So I
said, Well, if if it works, you just say Salaam and carry on,
because he'll still come and speak to me and still come and start
saying things to me. I said, then you need to complain to file a
complaint against this person, take some measures like that. It's
not as simple as not speaking to somebody not because you're saying
that even if they don't speak to you, or sorry, even if you don't
speak to them, they're still going to come and bother you. Now,
moving away from that situation, a lot of the situation that many of
the women find themselves in is a situation where it's a bad
situation at home, generally to do with in laws or something of that
nature or the other or to do with the husband. And
I just want to try to get some
sensible understanding to this, which will be inshallah helpful to
all because a life time full of complaints, many, many women have
gone through that. And literally, it's just made them miserable. And
it's ended their life in no form of happiness in this world. And
the problem is that a person who's just used to complaining,
shouldn't think that there's going to be better to come afterwards
because complaining is not what the salsa Lawson wants us to do.
Allah subhanho wa Taala wants us to deal with our situations.
Allah subhanaw taala wants us to deal with our situations, whatever
those situations are. And there are proper ways of dealing with
that. The problem that we have, especially if you go back to
India, Pakistan and other countries where there was a
tradition of the daughter in law coming in and working hard and
basically just doing everything to the bidding of the in laws, and
not having her own say whatsoever, and so on and so forth. And this
was never a natural situation. This was this has never been a
natural situation. So what's happened is that you've got a
history generally a heritage a history of many
In many of these situations, so for example, the mother in law,
she has been similarly treated by her mother in law before her. And
her mother in law was probably similarly treated by her mother in
law before that, and I don't want to paint a very bleak picture. But
it looks like that was the case in a number of cases. So it just
carries on. I've seen I've witnessed this myself where the
mother complains, and the grandmother also complains about
her mother in law. So now what does the person do in that
situation?
complaining, just for the sake of consolation doesn't get you
anywhere, you will have to keep doing it, you'd have to tell lots
and lots of people, you will pollute the atmosphere, you will
just do LIBOR, you will give your rewards away to this person,
because at the end of the day, it's sinful just to speak to some
speak the bad about somebody, you know, for no valid reason. It is
permissible, of course, to complain to the right individuals,
if that's the case, or to complete a complaint at the right time,
it's permissible to say something, you know that a person is going
through as long as the person does it properly. But every time you've
got somebody over, that's all you speak about. I remember one
situation where somebody mentioned that his wife was going some and
she's not a complaining person at all. She's a very happy person.
However, when there were certain times in the week, or whatever,
she would come and she'd look gloomy, and she'd speak about
gloomy things. And later, when they discussed this, it was
discovered that it was always when she went to meet another person in
their complex, who used to be constantly complaining about her
situation. So constantly complaining about her situation,
that woman was causing this other woman to also get into that mood.
Because when you speak about gloomy things, then people think
of their own gloom and doom. And they don't think about happy
things, there wasn't, they weren't able to help each other in
speaking about these gloomy things. The only thing was that
the first person felt that this was her way of getting some
comfort, but it would happen each time every time it just be a new
sag of the story that new, you know, installment of EastEnders or
peroxide or neighbors or whatever it is that people watching this is
essentially the kind of thing that was happening.
So that kind of complaint has to be abstained from if you want
that, if you want to do a constant complaint, you know, you want to
really pour out your heart each time, I won't call that a
complaint, then you do it in front of Allah subhanaw taala. So you
may get up for Tahajjud prayer, let that drive you. And then you
will see that results will happen. If you're just complaining about
your situation with your husband, or your in laws, or your children
or whoever it may be. And it's just the constant theme of
complaining about complaining about them, then that's not going
to help anybody that's not going to help anybody at all. It's,
you'd rather do that complaint in front of Allah subhanho wa taala.
And you will see that Allah will answer your prayers, because now
you have turned your attention away from people. And you've
turned it to Allah subhanaw taala. So what is very important is that
a people stop complaining to others thinking that they can help
them. Yes, if it is somebody that can help them somebody
influential, somebody who can get involved and speak about it, or
who can give good advice that could be justified, you know, that
is completely justified because as humans, we do seek things from
other humans. And we do gain some comfort from other humans as well.
But what I'm speaking about particularly, is in the situation
where a person is just constantly coming in, because it's almost as
if you know that when you go to speak to this person, that is what
they're generally going to be speaking about. And you can't do
anything for them. They can't do anything for themselves. It's just
a point of discussion. And what happens then is that the cursing
comes out in that accusations will come there, they will generally be
exaggerations as well. Because generally, when a person speaks
about about others, they will exaggerate it just to make it
sound more dramatic, just to invoke the attention of the other
person or their sympathy and get the emotions going. They will
generally exaggerate as well. All of these things are being counted
against us. Yes, we may have a bit of a, we may have some trouble in
these situations. But it doesn't mean it doesn't give us the right
to go and exaggerate in these situations. You see the most what
I've noticed is that the happiest person in this world is the one
who looks ahead, who thinks practically recognizes and
acknowledges their reality, asks Allah subhanahu wa taala and tries
to focus on the good and move on anybody who sits aside and just
sucks about things who cannot deal with these matters who become just
aggravated over small things, who can't deal with realities, or even
if they become aggravated, they become aggravated for a very long
time. There'll be some people who do get aggravated, but they're
able to overcome it very quickly. But people who can't overcome
It very quickly, or who get aggro and who get aggravated over small
things, their whole life is going to be a misery and misery.
Or people who cannot deal with these situations. So they have to
just become isolated from people. When you become isolated from
people, it doesn't necessarily help. We're not saying that go and
speak to others about it if you've got a problem, but go and speak
different good things about others ignore what's happened. These are
just realities of life at the end of the day. And I know that
somebody who's down in the pit finds it very difficult to do
this. But if there's nobody to tell them, then they just stay
down in that pit, get yourself out of that pit, the, you know, when
when you when a person is inside a pit, all they see around them are
these dirt walls around them, they're in a pit, all they see is
soil around them dirt, you know, and all the all the creepy
crawlies, it's not nice being in a pit, let's put it that way. Right.
That's like being in your grave. But when you do come out, and you
get yourself you climb out above the rim, all sides, the land
stretches on forever. So take that metaphor, take that example, that
get out of your situation, the pit is gonna stay the same. But if you
keep yourself in the pit, it's going to be the same. When you get
out of that situation, you will see that there's many
opportunities out there, get yourself engaged in something, do
something, they will, it will help, it might not solve the
situation completely. But it will definitely make it better to deal
with because your mind will be preoccupied with something else.
Now, two harms, generally speaking, when it comes to the
situation is that as a one, which I mentioned before, is that it
pollutes the atmosphere. A person who starts complaining about the
inlaws 24/7, or who complains about the husband 24/7, they're
doing a number of other things is a lot of collateral damage. It may
make the person feel good about themselves, it may may make the
person feel that I'm getting something out of my system, and
all the rest of it. But you know, that amount of collateral damage
is way more harmful than that. Because generally speaking,
there's a lot of children involved in this case. So for example, if
I'm going to start complaining about my mother in law, and I
don't have any complaints about her, may Allah reward her
abundantly inshallah she's going to Jana, right, that's, that's my
dua, you know, may Allah really reward her. But if I start
complaining about saying, Hey, I've got some issues with her,
right, then what I'm going to be complaining about essentially, in
front of my children, eventually, is going to be their grandmother.
So now what I'm doing is that mother in law of mine may be
perfect with my grandchildren, but not with me, she may have issues
with me, but with a grandchild, she loves them to death, and she's
very good for them. And you have to remember children need their
grandparents. You know, that is like a second set of parents that
they haven't is very important for a healthy relationship, healthy
upbringing, healthy, tarbiyah healthy, really good environment
that is really, really beneficial. But what I'm going to do is I'm
trying to not pollute them, because I don't like them, I want
everybody else to hate them. Or even if I don't want to do that,
genuinely, by me speaking constantly evil about this, it's
gonna make them feel bad about them, they're gonna see two sides
to their grandmother, they're gonna feel she's a hypocrite,
she's very nice with me, but look how she is with my mother. Because
at the end of the day, people like their mother, that they generally
have some affinity to their mother, and anybody, especially if
your parents tell you something, you really take it to heart. And
especially when there's contradictions there, that makes
it very difficult for a person to survive psychologically, it's very
difficult for person to see, to see contradictions in their
parents, their parents are telling them to do something, but they
don't do something. Right, they don't do something or they're
saying something different about somebody. It's a massive
contradiction. So you not only are you just I mean, you don't think
that you're just getting some comfort by voicing your issues
about you know, each time in front of your children. But what you're
doing is you're speaking about their grandparents. Right? And
likewise, if it's about your husband, the reason I keep going
on about husbands is because I'm speaking to a group of women, you
know, so I would tell the men something different. But when it
comes to that, if you're if you've got a problem with your husband,
you're constantly speaking about it. So for example, if if he's
coming late one day or something, so you tell you don't look, he's
always late, man, you know, how can you trust him? It seems like a
casual statement to make by a wife about a husband. You know, how can
you trust the Look at that? You know, he's always saying that,
what does that tell the children? Don't trust your father, he's
never going to be on time for you. Even if that's the case, do you
have to make them do you have to lose, you know, take away their
hope. Right? Or things like that.
Your father doesn't buy us anything. You know, he's always
out with his friends. He may be and that might be a reality. And I
can understand in that situation, you know, you may want to
complain, but it's just about trying to deal with that
situation. So complaints only when necessary, and only to those who
might help if you want to do it to feel good.
then complain in front of Allah subhanaw taala because that's when
something's going to happen, that's where you're going to get
something out of it. So that's my conclusion for this really small
talk today. But basically, if you want to complain, you really have
to complain, then complain to Allah subhanaw taala complain,
speak nicely to somebody who you think can help, who has some
power, who has some influence, who may be able to give you some good
advice. Otherwise this every time your friends are there, you will
be speaking about it, they will then start speaking about their in
laws, or their husbands or whatever it is, and that's a
massive problem. Complain to Allah subhanaw taala that is when you're
going to see the fruits of your complaints really come about and
that is really helpful because it helps you to really connect with
Allah subhanaw taala Maybe Allah has given you this to make you
connect with him and you're still keeping the veil up. So this is
something to think about. Never allow ourselves to come into the
situation where we become constant curses, complainers, tormentors,
slanderous people who backbite others constantly. May Allah
subhanaw taala protect us from this working with that one I need
Hamdu lillahi rabbil aalameen