Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Building Solid Relationships
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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim
Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen
wa Salatu was Salam o Allah say you didn't mursaleen
were either he or Safi or Baraka was seldom at the Sleeman girthier
on Eli young 18 America
got a Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
in the mobile eighth to the Alta Mira Makati Mala HELOC.
Dear friends, the topic is about how to maintain relationship, good
relationships with the spouse, with parents, with children, with
friends and with family.
To be honest, each one of these would take
a few days to try to understand each one of them.
But because we have a short amount of time, we're just going to look
at some general rules related to these aspects what is it that what
is the engine that is needed to have good relationships? What is
the background what is the essence that is needed to have good
relationships? If a person is able to develop a good relationship and
learn how to develop good relationships with one category of
people, then inshallah he can easily use that in other places.
So, because there are some core features called a HELOC, and
character traits, which are necessary for any relationship, to
be a good person,
let us understand a few things first, that I think it all comes
down to a HELOC and character.
It all comes down to a HELOC and character because a bad
relationship happens because maybe we get angry too much. We are too
sensitive. Something small goes wrong. Somebody say something
accidentally, maybe, or misunderstanding takes place. And
we get angry because we have no tolerance. We're not willing to
give people the benefit of the doubt.
So if we look at the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he
provides one of the best examples, the best example of how to
maintain so many relationships.
Because if you're talking about relationship with people, well, I
don't think there's as many people that we deal with as the Prophet
sallallahu. Some dealt with in his job. He was an imam. Imams have a
very, very tough job. Because they have
generally in another job, you have one manager, one supervisor, maybe
three people above you. But when you're an Imam, then the whole
community thinks that they are your boss. The prophets, Allah
Larson was an imam of the Masjid.
The prophets Allah son was a father to children. He was a
grandfather.
He was a husband to nine wives at once.
Some people are complaining about just dealing with one wife, one
wife, a lot of people have issues with just that. So the prophets,
Allah some dealt with nine wives at once.
So there are many, many issues that we could learn from the
profit and loss. And just by reading the Sierra with a focus on
trying to see how he just dealt with matters. He dealt with so
many ignorant people.
The famous story about the person who came to the masjid to and for
some reason, started urinating there. Now, if anybody came and
done that here, we would assume that the person was doing it on
purpose and was doing it to desecrate the place, because who
else would do that today? But we have to put in perspective that in
those days, the Masjid did not have a carpet. Right? It was just
the natural ground with maybe a basic structure around so they
would basically nowadays, people don't relieve themselves out in
the open, except the uncouth people who you see in street
corner somewhere in the dark alley, or something who just can't
find the toilet for whatever reason and willing to do it
anyway. But to be honest, even if you go to third world countries
today, there are still people who are decent people who will just if
they need to go they go on the site, because there aren't any
public toilet facilities. So we have to understand the context.
Now the most amazing thing is that when he came in Europe, he started
urinating and the Sahaba obviously, they got upset that
this is a saint, this is a very special place. Why are you doing
this here for but the Prophet sallallahu Sallam now one thing is
that this person is doing this in the masjid.
But on the other hand, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam is concerned
that it would be now harmful to stop him. Because to stop somebody
mid urination is actually not very healthy. But can you imagine the
split second decision? Because for most people, they think he's
urinating in the masjid that will cloud the mind that will overcome
the mind. There's nothing about his health anymore. Who cares
about himself he's doing something wrong
But the prophet saw some gave everything it's due
to think of the person's health had done was in or leave him. And
then he called him and spoke to him later and said, Look, this is
a place. This is not a place for this kind of it was telling him
that he obviously knew he misunderstood. This was not an act
of a vandalism that maybe some people tried to do today to masala
protect, but maybe you know what I mean? But to decide that at that
moment, is amazing.
And that's very difficult to get to that level. That's why Allah
subhanaw taala tells him what Nicola Allah, who lookin Aleem
that you have on the highest sublime character. So why should
we have good relationships? From a practical perspective? Why should
we have any gonna say, well, obviously you should have, it's a
good thing to have it's virtue. Well, let's just think there are
several benefits
to having good relationships, just from a normal, sensible person's
perspective. Number one, life becomes more enjoyable,
less stress. If you're always angry about something, or there's
an argument always with someone, or you're always
you're not happy with somebody, all of that creates an imbalance
in the human being, that can't be healthy.
Humans are not born to be unhappy. Humans are born to be happy,
because that's the way I look at it is because Inshallah, if we're
successful, where is success going to take us?
Jana, Jana is a place of great happiness. So, that's what Allah
subhanaw taala wants us for. So that means the, the reason that
happiness is the default that we should be happy, is the fact that
inshallah that's we're going to be happy for ever. Inshallah, once we
are accepted by Allah subhanaw taala. And written to be freed
from hellfire in these nights of Ramadan insha Allah.
So our life becomes more enjoyable, less stress.
Number two people are more likely to go along with the changes that
we want to implement. Like if we're a bit bossy.
And if we have good relationships with the, with our relatives with
our family members,
then
since we have good relationships, it will help us to implement good
things. So some people among 100 people, you will see a few who are
the kind of bossy type.
Bossy doesn't have to be a negative term. In this sense, they
they like managing things, they have a leadership qualities.
Others have following majority of people are followers, they don't
lead. But for both of these types of people, having good
relationship, let you get along the way, it's just easy is the
function. You can apply this to business, you can apply this to
management. Number three, they say that having a good relationship
gives you freedom. How does having a good relationship gives you
freedom.
It gives you freedom because instead of wasting time and
energy, overcoming problems that you're creating, you build up and
you magnify, which because you know comes about because of
negative relationships, we can instead focus on building on
opportunities.
Because when you're constantly in a state of defense, constantly
state of angry about something, then you don't look about how to
make things better. You always about telling somebody off, or
putting something
taking somebody to task.
So there's a lot of opportunity cost here, which is not worth it.
If you're unhappy with something, don't make yourself happy doing
something else. Number The last one parents, well, not the last
one, but another one, parents, spouses, children, friends,
everything that was on your poster, right, colleagues, and how
many other people did you have on there? I thought I saw that Titan.
I thought Allah help us. Right. So that's why I thought let's talk
about the core ingredients. Because if you're going to try to
talk about this, because inshallah in about two months, I've got a
book on just marriage. It's called Handbook of a healthy Muslim
marriage, just talking about marriage, not even dealing with
children in that too much. It's just talking about dealing with
the spouse. Right, but 250 pages or so. So I mean, it takes you
know, so parents, spouses, children, friends, colleagues, and
neighbors are all essential to our success. You see a lot of people
they need to get this misunderstanding that. They think
that I don't care if anybody supports me or not. I don't care
if anybody's my friend or not. And these people are not Willie of
Allah. You see the worry of Allah is the only person who has the
right to not care about what people think.
Because they say that once praise or criticism doesn't matter to
you, because you are just there to
Please Allah. That's a whole different that's a very happy
person. But most people who are unhappy, who have a problem with
relationships are people who try to say, I'm going to do as I want.
I don't care what people think of me, I don't care if they all break
and they genuinely don't care. They just want to do it their way.
But that's a very miserable way. That's a very miserable life.
Because what we have to realize is that Allah subhanaw taala placed
us among people.
And parents, you can't exchange them. Parents are given to us by
Allah. So many times in counseling, we have to express to
people within your own life as well. You start realizing at the
end of the day, these are my parents.
If they've got a problem, if they're not as good as so and so's
parents, why can't they be like that parent? Brother, this is
Allah Taksim. This is Allah's division. This is Allah's
allotment. And we have to make the best out of that. If we have
children that have certain weaknesses, that Allah has a lot,
man, let's make the best out of it.
Okay, a spouse, maybe you can change,
right? You don't need to, but at least have the spouse you can
change. But with a parent, you can't change with children, you
can't change uncles you can't change. Grandparents, nephews,
nieces, you can't change these people. These are your blood.
Right? That if they've got a problem, you've probably got some
problem with that as well. Because it's the same blood that's going
around. This is we are blind to our own mistakes sometimes. So
all of these people are essential for our success to be successful
in this world, because at the end of the day, human beings are
social creatures.
What does that mean? Hume? Shaohua de la Rahmatullah hurry when he is
describing in his her gentle believer, when he describing
society and the Islamic rulings regarding relationships, and so
on. He discusses that the human being unlike many other animals,
some animals, they are totally independent. Once they become
adult, they hunt on their own, like the leopard, for example,
right? They don't need community, they don't need society. They're
not social beings. But human beings are very social. Because
there are so many things that we're in need of, we're in need of
production, we need of cooking, we need of sewing and clothing, were
in need of
advocacy, solicitors, lawyers, were in need of so many different
things. And for all of that, you need other people because no
single human being can fulfill everything.
That's why some people do one thing another body does somebody
else, somebody else, and I do something else. And we contribute
to one another. That's the human race. So humans are social
creatures. And I guarantee you that if you think about it, who
you are has been made up of so many different people. It's what
you've seen and observed and taken from so many other people. There's
so much which is maybe genetic from Allah subhanaw taala that you
got because your father's like something your mother's trade
because they say oh, he's like his mother. This sounds like his
father. Right? Somebody will mention that. So some traits we
will inherit maybe because Allah wants us to, but there are a lot a
lot of other things that I know for example, there are so many
things I've learned from a certain person I knew another person
another person, I can tell you like several things that is one
person who was in my community in America before Masha Allah, Allah
bless him, I've learned some very positive things from him.
So we are always learning from others. So we are social beings,
we are social creatures. So how do we define a good relationship?
What I want to do is I want to mention a few points, a few notes.
And then after that, I open it up to you for questions. So you can
give me the complicated relationship issues and we can
deal with that make it more relevant, because I could be
telling you something, what's in my mind, and it may be completely
irrelevant to all of you, because you may have a very unique
situation you want to ask about. So if you have questions, please
get them ready. I'll be stopping in the next maybe 510 minutes,
right and then I'll Inshallah, listen to your questions and
issues that you may be wanting to address. So how do you define a
good relationship? What are the ingredients of a good
relationship? Whether that be with your spouse,
whether that be with friends, neighbors,
parents or anybody else? What are the basic ingredients? I think
number one is trust.
Trust is very important.
There has to be mutual trust, I must trust you. You must trust me,
to be honest, because without trust, humanity would fail.
We notice one thing that lying is supposed to be considered
according to all cultures.
A bad idea. Only in this culture now are we living in what they
call a post?
The truth
how much lies have been disseminated by using computer
algorithms and Facebook and so on how they want the Brexit votes,
it's all coming out right now. And all computer manipulation, looking
at your profiles on Facebook, getting people to vote that would
have never voted, because of targeting them with a certain
campaign. So we're living in a bit of a complex world and the promise
elevation did mention that a time will come when you will start
seeing the wrong as right and the right is wrong.
You will see the moon car as the roof and the roof as the Moon Moon
car.
And you'd be surprised that hey, you really don't understand that
there's something wrong with this.
There's an interesting story that's told about a person living
in some village community somewhere. I don't know how true
the village is, but it has a moral. I don't know how true the
story is, but it has a moral. So he is there's a water supply which
everybody is taking from everybody takes from a certain water supply
for their water needs. That water supply is now diminishing and is
very less water there. So now there's another water supply
further out. Some people because there's maybe two is too busy
here. They're starting to take from the other water supply
because there's more abundant but it's further away. This guy knows
that a problem with the other water supply is that anybody who
drinks from that water is going to change and they will forget their
past may not they won't forget their personal past but they will
forget the morality of the past. They will take on new ideas.
Right? And
when it's something as essential as water, how are you going to
stop people from going there? It's easier to take from the brothers
don't watch this thing. Keep away from this media keep away from
that. It's very difficult. It's in your face. It's just like water
for us today. Slowly Slowly he starts seeing people change.
When you're talking to those people, they they've changed you
can't even make them feel like hey, you used to this was you
would have considered this wrong a year ago. They just not getting it
because it's brainwash complete, slowly Max, more and more people.
And eventually it's only him left or maybe his family. What's he
going to do this water Now eventually finishes. So maybe he
becomes like everybody becomes the same.
That's a sad case. That's a sad idea. So trust is very important
between relationships. When you trust your family. When you trust
anybody, your friend, your colleague, whoever it is, you you
form a powerful bond. Trust is something because the prophets
Allah Some said that Amana is a Hadith in Sahih al Bukhari Sahih
Muslim that Amana will be lifted, but it won't be lifted all
together. It will be lifted slowly, slowly, and the Prophet
saw some explains that you
it will be like a boil then it will be left they'll only be a
small amount left. It'll be like chemical work will only be a small
amount like a small boy or small pimple left of Amana. Eventually,
he said that. Eventually, if there's a person with justice,
Amana, trustworthiness fairness, it will that person will become
famous. Oh, the only fair person we know the only honest person we
know the only just person we know is in that community number. Like
I know somebody in Stamford Hill, who's just, you know, I know
somebody in Whitechapel was just that's about it, you will become
so scarce.
So we need to have that powerful bond, because just this creates a
powerful bond. Right? When you can trust somebody, once there was a
person who told, you know, lots of lots of years ago, he told his
friend that he wanted him to look after something for him while he
was going to go abroad. And maybe it was some cash or something like
that. He said, Don't tell anybody that I've given this to you.
Because you know, you don't want everybody to know. So he says,
What am I going to hide? He says, I can't tell my wife.
Right? I can't tell my wife.
So the guy was surprised that why can't you tell your wife, you
should both be able to hold the secrets together. So they can't
tell her because she's going to tell everybody.
So the worst thing you could have in a relationship, especially in a
family relationship, is that you can't be trusted to keep a secret.
That's why we teach our children isn't there anything that happens
in the house, you can't go and like tell the whole world about
it.
Just for gossip purposes.
If you like gossip, if you like talking there are boundaries.
There are just certain things you cannot mention about your wife
about your husband is just not right because that is going
against trust. And subhanAllah the husband and wife religion is
probably the most important relationship for you know, once
you become an adult, you get married, that is the most because
that that is then what governs your relationship with your
children.
And sometimes the husband wife relation is so important that it
also governs the relationship with the parents.
Right? Because the husband can mess up his wife's relationship
with her parents and the wife can do that with the husband. So
trustworthiness is extremely important, you should be able to
both be on the same wavelength. So basically, from this trust idea,
this, this next idea is that you must be on the same wavelength.
This is very important, especially with the children, if the children
know that my father he is softer. And even if my mom says, No, you
can't have this, or you can't have that I know my father is okay. If
he if his father then allows it, then the mother is going to feel
undermined. So what's the point? I can't say anything, because then
you just say yes, afterwards, husband and wife have to learn to
come together on the same wavelength. Otherwise, the
children suffer in that case.
If you do have trust, mashallah, there's a massive, powerful bond,
because trust is a great ingredient in essence of bonding
together, you can, you will be able to communicate more freely,
there are people who are married, and they don't even they, the wife
does not even know how much the husband makes.
She is not allowed to open. Well, now you don't have payslips that
come through the post. Right? It's all emailed now. Right? Okay, she
doesn't have access, she doesn't have to have access to your email.
But he doesn't even know he she does not know how much he makes,
she does not know how much is in his bank account.
I say why does she need to know? Well, because it's the
relationship. If he dies, then what happens in this in this
country, if you don't have a will, everything goes to the spouse,
right? Then you need to have this you need to have a trust.
So, if you do trust people,
you can more effectively and
you can communicate more effectively. And the benefit of
that is that you can be more honest, in your thoughts and
actions, because you know, that they will they appreciate what you
say. And even if you know they will, they will understand what
you say and they will they will not tell us or they will not say
bad things about you. So the benefit of that is that you won't
waste any time or energy watching your back.
If I've said something by mistake or whatever, I know that, you
know,
my children are whatever they find with me. So I don't have a problem
with thinking oh, now what's going to happen now? I'm gonna have to
be careful now.
Okay, number two is mutual respect. That's another reason why
relationships, impact mutual respect, which comes from trust.
When you run when you respect people, then the other benefit is
that you're going to value their input. If I respect somebody, if I
if I consider somebody honorable, then if they say something, I'm
going to give some weight to it. If I don't respect somebody than
anything they say, doesn't make a difference to me.
They're going to feel that because sometimes they might have a valid
point. But I'm just like, I just dismissed because I just think
they don't know anything. So can you see why these people are so
important for us?
Right? To be honest, I've seen that even the person you might
think is despicable and doesn't know anything, even they have good
things to say once in a while.
You just have to be gracious in the way you deal with such people.
So that's why you're gonna you're going to value the inputs and
ideas, you can't always have the best ideas. There's so many times
that even if I think I have the best ideas all the time, there's
so many times that you know, my wife has a better idea than me,
some of my children may have a better idea than me, that's a
possibility. Even if I think that I've got the best, because no
human being is perfect, except the prophets of Allah.
So let us realize our weaknesses. So that's why then working
together, you can actually develop better solutions. That's why
relationships are and when you have several people who have to
work together with you get collective insight, you get
collective wisdom, you get collective creativity.
The next point is mindfulness. Mindfulness means
now this is a big one. We will make mistakes, as anybody here
never made a mistake with anybody never said anything wrong to
somebody. There are some people I know of a marriage that broke up
because at least one of the spouses was never willing to
apologize.
Never willing to apologize.
Several people tried to help.
Right? I spoke to her, somebody else spoke. She listens to you, as
long as you're saying yes, yes. As soon as you tell her that she was
wrong in anything. You're you are biased.
It's a psychological complex. Otherwise, apologies are a
necessary part of life.
So we must take responsibility of our words and actions. We may be
angry, we may be hungry, we may be tired and we
They say something
when we calm down we must realize that we shouldn't have said that
even if their reaction was sometimes we say something and
their reaction is worse they didn't have to react that way. But
then did we have to say that in the first place
a lot of the time we say something somebody reacts over the top so
then we stopped blaming them but you reacted over the top but you
started it no but you reacted over the top when who started it you
know at least take whoever it is. The professor loves himself birdie
OB salami burrito middle keeper. The one who starts initiates the
salaam, his own three of
is the one who is free of pride. Initiate the salam I mean
understanding is that if you break up with somebody, you're not you
don't want to speak to them. You don't want to say salaam to them.
The one who says if a so many times, I've had an argument with
my wife and I just feel okay, even if she's to blame you, I'm just
gonna say that because it's not worth carrying on. We know that
there's a relationship that we have
those who are mindful or careful, and they attend to what they say.
So we obviously must be sensitive about what we say in the first
place. So that we don't say some of us are just naturally negative.
We like to say things in a negative way, we just naturally
like that. That's our challenge from Allah to make ourselves more
positive. Allah has made every one of us unique. Some of us are
mashallah very generous by nature. But we're very aggressive. In our
words, by nature, that is our family trait. That's what they
say. Everybody speaks loudly in my family, everybody speaks as though
they're going to war.
Right? Just some people are like that. Maybe you should use that
becoming a good public speaker. Right? Use your talent in the
right way. Don't use it. Be careful, because you can see that
your words might hurt somebody. Because, for example, some people
are very brutally honest. They just say it as it is. Right?
That's a challenge. It's a good thing. Right? Because you don't
lie. You don't beat around the bush. But at the end of it,
sometimes, not every place is a place to reveal the truth. Laser
Kulu hacking your call.
Right? Somebody doesn't look too nice. Now, it's the truth, isn't
it? According to you, so you tell them? That's honesty. But it's
going to be harmful? Isn't it? Did you have to tell them that? Is it
going to help them? Do you see what I'm saying? So I think we all
need to recognize that's why it might be a good idea to be honest
to take that
test. Was it called the No no, no lie detector test?
Not a lie detector test. It's called the common man and fasting.
It's by Carl Jung students. Those two is Myers and really cool
comment. Don't you guys know that any of your employees made you
take
sprigs? Sorry.
Myers Briggs. There you go. It's called the Myers Briggs test. It's
actually very interesting. They make you answer a lot of
questions. And then they give you your personality. And it's very
interesting what you learn about yourself, there will be ideas
about yourself that you have in the back of your mind that that's
how I am, but you haven't put them into words. This will put it into
words for you. And the benefit of that is then you can focus on your
positives and negatives. Okay, that's my positive. This is my
negative. It doesn't have to be 100% accurate, but it is it can be
very, you know, very telling. So we focus on our negatives, if I've
got a problem with
what do you call it from? Not being very generous, being a bit
stingy? Well, that's my challenge. Each one of us, Allah has given us
some goods. And there are other things that we have to challenge
to. And that's why the deen the o'clock has to be taught you see,
a lot of people think I can't change. That's the way I am. I
can't change. Allah made me like that. That's My nature. I've been
like that for 60 years now. You guys need to change I can't change
anymore. I'm like the blackboard, not the whiteboard, the Blackboard
and after years and years of writing on it, you know, it
becomes that's how I am no, that's what people say they quite
the way they say it as well as like the self justifying.
Everybody can change. Because the Prophet sallallahu sallam said
that we need to improve our character. If we could not change
Allah would never tell us to improve our character. The process
would never tell us to improve our character. It means it can be
changed. Yes, it will be difficult. Right? It will be
difficult but it can be changed. And we don't want a calamity a lot
of people they change only when there comes a calamity. When they
become the most humble people. We don't want to Calum calamity to
change us we want to change voluntarily inshallah. The next
next aspect of
good relationship. Important is welcoming diversity. Allahu Akbar,
welcoming the diversity. What does that mean? We don't mean,
diversity in a particular sense. We're talking about diversity here
means that people who have good relationships, right, that means
that they find it easy to deal with people with divergent
opinions. That's what you mean by the diversity. Somebody else holds
another opinion. If I'm insistent always a must be according to my
opinion. I'm never going to win. I'm never going to be willing to
listen to somebody else's
opinion.
Now I must understand that people are different. And just just the
point here, I've mentioned this before several times as well, that
sometimes
you get somebody that may be praying close to you. And maybe
he's praying next to you. And you see that every day. When the Imam
comes up from sujood, everybody else comes up and he stays, then
he comes back five seconds later. Now that troubles you, like, why
is he trying to do that shaytaan puts in your mind, is he trying to
act more pious than everybody else? See what I'm saying?
Small things like that. Right? It's if third time, and he's still
doing the
right. Everybody else is breaking. They're funny, still doing too.
Ah, now one thing, maybe he doesn't know. Right? So we need to
tell them that it's mcru to delay your Iftar. And once if that time
comes, the longer you fast is not going to give you any more benefit
anyway, because in Islam, our fasting is for a particular time.
And that's it afterwards. How do you deal with such people that
maybe the way their hair is maybe the way they dress? You just find
them a bit irritating. They have not done anything to irritate you.
Just the way they look. You find them irritating. Just the way they
sound of their voices. You find them irritating. Have you have you
seen? Do you know what I'm talking about?
Everybody finds, you know, there must be something weird about
somebody that we find irritating. So I used to always be worried
about that. Like how do you deal with that? MashAllah Imam Shah
Rani, we are going through his book called adda was sort of a
wonderful, wonderful series wonderful book, we've actually got
the whole recorded online, it's called
a ticket of companionship or something like that it got a
Brotherhood or something like that. So he discusses this aspect,
in that he says that, basically, when you have somebody like that,
the way to deal with that situation is to ask Allah subhanaw
taala to help you to maybe go and give this guy a gift to make dua
for him. And slowly, slowly that will be eased. No, because there's
just certain people who were just mashallah much more, you will hit
it off with much easier than others. It's about those difficult
people that we need to worry about religion, because your cousin
might be like that. Your father may be like that for you. Allah,
you know, Allah prevent that. But you know, you're one of your
children might be like that. So it's about trying to overcome
that. So welcoming diversity, that's the way so when your
friends or your colleagues or family members, they offer
different opinions to us, you must take your time to consider what
they have to say.
Factor what they say in the decision making, give some value
to what they say.
And lastly, for you know, for our
purpose here, open communication.
We communicate all day, right to people, whether we sending emails,
text messages, speaking to them, or whatever the case is.
Better communication is a secret of major relationships. Be very
careful how you say things, especially when you are talking to
somebody on chat, text, because you can't see emotion in there.
With your face. If you say something, but you've got a big
smile on your face and you say something that sounds a bit
bitter. The person is gonna think no, no, he doesn't mean anything
bad. But if you do that same statement, if you make that same
statement over chat,
it's going to be taken negatively because shaytan is always there to
remember the enemy shape and he's always there to create friction
that he loves that because the world the chaos in the world is
what he wants.
So just before I open it up to you, there's just a few things I
want to mention.
From the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the prophets of Allah
Islam said, I have the best character and I'm the best to my
wives. That was one of the most important relationship with his
father had passed away his mother had passed away. His grandfather
passed away his uncle had passed away. He had younger uncle's hands
on deck and eventually passed away Abbas the Allahu Anhu. had was
around for a while afterwards, but mainly a lot of His dealing was
with the mass public, but then his wife's dealings with dealing with
your spouse, your husband, your wife is one of the most difficult
relationships because you have to build them. So the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he trusted his wives when he had the
most.
When he had this wacky revelation, this experience, he came back
first to his wife, his wife trusted him, had such confidence
in him, that she basically calmed him down. For him to have come to
his wife shows that relationship
and divorce the loss of money he said, it's all about best of
character. Now look at this. Once the Prophet sallallahu Sallam went
to
14 out of the Allahu unhas house to look for it or the Allah one
with aluminium since he's sleeping in the masjid. Why is he sleeping
in the masjid for he's not gonna take off. Why is even MSA Oh, we
had a bit of a problem. Right? This is the best of families the
best couple in the world the eight
A couple Fathima are the Allahu Allah and Allah the Alonso can
better can you give them then he is the father of the of the Hassan
and Hussein who are going to be the leaders of the youth of Jana
and Fatima are the Allahu anha is going to be one of the great you
know, she's considered one of the greatest women I mean how can you
ever better and they had arguments
so now this is the father in law today father in laws I mean many
father in laws I mean, they just and mother in laws, they don't
they're very biased. Right? In all the counseling I found that very
few father in law mother in laws are very honest in their
situation, because it's just a natural thing.
So he said, Okay, what's that he says in the masjid because we had
a bit so he went to the masjid. And they earlier there was lying
down there with he had a bit of soil on him because as I said, the
Masjid was not carpeted or whatever. So the prophesy son
said, come about to rob, stand up, father of soil. This is just a pet
name, a fond kind of title, he gave them that oh, you know, like
you're the, the one the soil, the one and the earlier the and then
woke up. So
diffusing a situation calming a situation, not jumping to
conclusions, not being biased. Everybody has their ups and downs,
even in the best of families, as we mentioned. Right? What let us
finish off with a few points about relationships. Again, in general,
I mentioned the two sets of relationships can bring a lot of
pain. Relationships are not easy.
Right? In any relationship, there's going to be pain, because
nobody is 100% robotic that we've got been programmed to work in
tandem with one another. Right?
Microsoft Excel works very good. You can take a spreadsheet from
there and paste it into Microsoft Word. You know, they've been built
to work harmoniously. Allah subhanaw taala made us all
different. That's our uniqueness. Hamdulillah. So there's going to
be pain in there, we have to invest in relationships, that's
what they call it, they call investing in relationship to bear
the fruits of it, you have to put some money in first. And that's
why they say that generally, the best thing to do is to create an
emotional bank. In any relationship. What that means is
that, you know, if we keep doing good to somebody, right? If I've
got a student, if I've got a teacher, if I've got, you know,
wife, children, whatever, if I do enough, good, voluntarily, good,
that's going to add to this balance in their mind that, hey,
this guy is good for me. Now, if there's a, if that balance goes up
to maybe 60, right, imagine 60 Because I give them gifts, I'm
nice to them, I help them out, I'm compassionate, you know, I've
created this emotional balance. Right? Now, if something wrong
happens, what happens is that some of this balance will go down, but
because there's enough of it, they're gonna think, oh, there's
enough of it to counter this negativity. So if you have enough
of this balance, Inshallah, you just have to keep building balance
with everyone, always do be nice to people. So that if anything
ever does go wrong, then that can help us inshallah depreciate some
of that.
A few final points, don't play the blame game. That should be
avoided. Don't keep blaming people, everybody else. Number
two, ego. Right? Again, in a short time, there's only so much we can
do. So ego, our self pride has to be dealt with. Because if we have
ego, we're never going to have good relationships, unless
everybody's you're married. Right? Or everybody's just your slave. Or
it's,
they said basically say that in a husband wife relationship. If the
wife never complains, has never nothing to complain about, then
either they are mashallah the exception, they just mashallah
after years, they've just been totally harmonious now. Or it's an
abusive relationship,
that she can't say anything, or he can't say anything. Because
abusive relationship, that's why they have to be silent. So that's
why a nice to and fro sometimes is a good idea. It's healthy. Because
if there's nothing if they nobody can criticize anyone, or anybody
else, it means it's either an abusive relationship or it's the
perfect relation, which is hardly going to be the case. So ego, self
worth of others is very important. Always realize that other people
also have a self dignity and self worth in our relationships. We
have to try to maintain that while also trying to be successful in
our goal.
This the others are always at fault. That's a big, big nono.
Others don't always yes, others will be at fault a lot of time.
But it's sometimes it's not about finding the fault. It's about
moving along. It's about moving on. Because if we're going to get
down into the ditch to find out who is at fault, the world is
going to pass by. We're not going to be productive. Let's move on.
Okay, it's done. Let's carry on.
don't always think that justice is never present. Everybody is
unjust. This is the bad attitude. The Prophet sallallahu sallam
said, if you think everybody is destroyed, and in our words, if
you think everybody's messed up in the world, some people believe
that the world is all messed up, everybody's messed up. So the
various philosophers said that if you're a person who thinks
everybody else is messed up and destroyed, then you're the most
destroyed of them. Because what an attitude you think there's no
goodness in the world?
You know, there is no goodness in the world Subhanallah that really
starts making you look at things more positively. That because if I
think everybody's messed up, I'm probably the most messed up
because I'm just reflecting on myself. Right?
Life does not ever seem fair. These are bad shaytani ideas in
the mind, Life is not fair. Justice is not present. Others are
always at fault. I am the victim. These are all shaytani ideas. Yes,
sometimes we are the victim. Sometimes life is not fair in the
way things are happening. And sometimes others may be at fault.
And sometimes they may not be justice. But that's not always the
case. If you've got an attitude that this is always the case, then
it's a problem. So now let me finish off by saying that again,
it comes down to good character. Let us try to understand what our
problems are. Be honest with ourselves and try to rectify that
Allah Khomeini, who will be coming to shake talk, when the fuck was
so ill o'clock. Oh Allah, I seek your refuge from hypocrisy, from
disputation, argumentation, and from
bad character.
That was helped me a lot. Right, I still want to read it so many more
times, because I've got so much more to improve, but it's helped
me a lot. Remember, relationships have to be built,
then they have to be maintained.
And they have to be repaired.
So if we can keep that in mind that with our parents, neighbors,
whoever it is, you have to build our relationship, we have to then
maintain it. And then we have to then repair it. And we ask Allah
subhanaw taala to grant us success and make May Allah subhanaw taala
allow us to be to give us greater basura and inside of our own
selves, so that inshallah if we are the person who knows your own,
know thyself. If you know your own self, then it is much easier to
deal with a lot of other people and maintain relationships. May
Allah grant us successful communities, successful families,
and successful OMA while here with that one and hamdu Lillahi Rabbil
Alameen. So the question is that if you've got a problem with
another Muslim brother, Then how'd you get back together?
That's kind of a big topic, because it depends on what they've
done. Right? If it's something small that they did, then it
wasn't worth it in the first place. So think, Why have I got
this problem? Why is this problem? Is it from their side? Is it from
my side? Can you see how many possibilities there are, if I want
to do my best, all I need to try to do is I want to do my best to
try to rectify as far as I can. Which basically means let me go
and say salam to let me maybe go and say, Look, you know, we have
that bit of an issue. It's Ramadan, people's hearts are
softer in Ramadan, maybe it's the day of Eid, maybe it's the 15th of
Shaba. And maybe, you know, there's been a death in the
family. You can use these opportunities sometimes to find
the inroads and say, Look, brother, we've had these issues,
life is short, let's just finish it. Right. So it depends on the
dispute. Now, if the dispute is that you owe them money, then you
can't just go and seek forgiveness because they're going to want the
money so we need to go and give them so it really depends on
whether there's a right involved or is it just a silly issue that
became a big issue. Everything has to be well thought about, but the
main thing is if we can keep in mind that I want to try to resolve
this. I want to try to overcome it. I'm willing to forgive
right? I'm willing to overlook I'm willing to pardon attitude
inshallah will help and the first person to say salaam, the first
person to initiate will inshallah be the one who will be rewarded
inshallah for that. So keep that all in mind, it helps a lot.
Because inshallah we can realize that, look, at the end of the day,
my disputation with his brother, it's not going to get me anywhere
in this world. It's making me unhappy, we just realized that it
makes you unhappy. Because when you have a bad relationship,
they've actually identified even the, the hormones in the brains,
which, which drip, I think it's called cortisol. Right? If I
remember, if I remember correctly, I think it's called cortisol.
Somebody correct me, right? When you have a negative situation,
there's a constant dripping of cortisol.
Right? And that's bad for you. That leads to stress. And then
stress leads to other physical ailments. So why would you want to
be in a problematic relationship like that? Because eventually is
going to lead to headaches, diabetes, Allah prevent
Got a lot of ailments and sicknesses are based on stress.
Stress is brought on by unhealthy relationships. So it's not worth
it. Be like that Sahabi who the prophets, the prophets, Allah Some
said that there's going to be a man who is going to come in who
Allah loves and he loves Allah. So everybody's wondering, you must be
Omani must be some great person that comes in, and then a simple
Sahabi that they wouldn't, you know, they didn't know to be
somebody great came in, and that one other Sahabi Abdullayev
nominal, I think it was really Allah one went to stay with him to
find out what he does, which is so valuable that a person hasn't made
the statement about him. And after three days, he didn't see him
making any extra Knuffle or extra worship. He did his basics, right.
And then he found out that it was simply because
the person told him finally, I mean, I'm cutting the story short,
that when I go to sleep, I I clear my mind of all,
all of these negative thoughts about people.
That is just so happy.
Right? It's so satisfying.
Okay, the question is that, you know, there's somebody will say,
who you don't do it, I had a, I had a case of a, an older grown up
family man. His complaint, he used to look at his father, his father
and mother used to stay at his house.
His him and his wife would make serve them.
He had a brother. And his complaint always was that his
brother
is the one his parents like more, even though they don't stay at his
brother's house, they stay at his house, he does all his money, he
spends the money and everything but they always love. Now, look,
if you genuinely have a situation like that, where somebody is
where somebody is, non reasonable like that, unfair like that, even
though you've done your best, absolute best, like genuinely,
you've done your best, then you can only hope for your reward from
Allah subhanaw taala. Because Allah will always reward you have
to remember that. But a lot of the time the devil here is in the
detail is that have we tried our best? Are we doing something
major? Or have we tried our best? Just because we have to have
obedience to parents, for example.
Some parents are unjust. Some parents are oppressive. That's a
reality. And Allah will reward a person for tolerating that,
inshallah.
Yes, now it's yours. How do you deal with people who everybody
tries to avoid? And they're hard to please? Well, it depends on who
they are. If they're some random stranger, you don't have to worry
about them. Right? But if there's somebody who you're going to run
in with everyday if they have family member. Now look, what you
have to understand is that you know, where it says that you
shouldn't break up relationship with anybody for three days beyond
three days.
So it doesn't mean that to mend that relationship, then you must
go and start speaking to them for hours on end. And you must have
doubts at the house and you must invite them for food and all of
that. It's just that at least you have Salam Kalam you know like you
are you are at least
decent in your in your disk. Salam aleikum? How are you bas? If
there's a problem with somebody that you just can't get along with
them because of their attitude or your attitude, whoever it is,
right? We're not going to blame that play the blame game here.
Then you just keep the discussion to a minimum as salaam alaikum. If
there's a need that they have you go and help them out. The problem
is if they've got a need and we shun them, they got to happiness.
We don't even give them you know, we don't give them a
word. Sorry.
Yes, you don't congratulate them. So that's the idea here. You're
not responsible for now if it's your father, if it's your mother,
if it's your sister, your brother. Again, same thing. You try to do
the best because you see if you're going to try to do more and
creates a fitna, then we have to avoid fitna, so you can't force
yourself into a relationship, but you can't break a relationship. So
keep every relationship according to a distance. But first, we must
always introspect ourselves to see if I'm the problem.
Sometimes we are the problem.
We were the problem. They've developed an idea about us. Now
we've changed but they don't know that they're going by the back
it's our we have to make be honest and make an effort to try to
change that perspective. Because Pete some people just don't
forget. Can you see how varied This is? But the main thing is as
I said, if you if you focus on the ingredients we gave the good
character that o'clock looking at the future, talking about
investment forgiveness, then inshallah one of these things will
work we have to throw a lot of these in to get the perfect
biryani inshallah
Allahumma salaam, Salaam devaglia. Then generic, very Quran Allah
whom we are
meticulous
So we've Allahumma Hana Yama and Allah, Allah, Allah and Annika in
Konami have already been Allahumma salli wa salam ala Sayyidina
Muhammad wa ala and you see that Mohammed Al Abadi Koszalin of
Allah we ask You for Your Mercy of Allah we ask you for your
blessings of Allah, we ask you for your generosity of Allah. This is
the month of generosity we see so many people acting so generously
giving so much for others to eat and spending so much in your path
of Allah. If this is how they feel, then your generosity is
greater than all of generosity of Allah We ask that you accept us
and our deeds even though we have weakness, Oh Allah, you improve
our relationships. Oh Allah that you give us a happy life. A higher
than the Yerba. Oh Allah you get you allow us to work on our own
weaknesses. Oh Allah above all you allow us to recognize recognize
our weaknesses. And then to rectify and enhance our
weaknesses. Oh Allah we ask that you make us have good character.
You make us followers of Rasulullah sallallahu I mean
everything Oh Allah we ask that you remove the oppression from
from the oppressed and the subjugated people around the world
of Allah that you grant them also happiness on the day of Eid Our
Allah that you also make this Ramadan better than any Ramadan
before it oh Allah that you make us closer to you than we've ever
been before. Oh Allah accept our do as our like September two hours
of Allah send you abundant blessings on our messenger
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and grant us his company in
the hereafter. Subhan Allah because Allah is the terminal
Josefina, salam ala moana, Selena and hamdulillah