Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Are you mature enough to be Married
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of finding a balance between marriage and life, helping others, and finding a compatible partner for a marriage. They also discuss issues related to love, including "monestry" and the concept of "monestry." The speakers emphasize the importance of genetic confirmation and fulfilling obligations in marriage, including providing food, clothing, and a love bank account, and offer guidance on improving chances of getting a good job.
AI: Summary ©
I just got a question last week.
The girl from one of our countries, the girl is now asking,
Is my marriage valid? I said, Why are you asking that? She said,
Because
when they came to ask me that, are you willing to marry this guy? I
said, No.
Like I clearly said, No. Then they asked my father
and he wasn't happy about it.
Then my mum kind of said yes, because she was led to believe it
was okay or something. So she said it was okay. I said, Okay, that's
let me understand this properly. So I said, You never said yes. No,
I never said yes. You said no. Yes. I said, No. Because for
girls, if they stay silent, that could be taken as a yes. Because
they might be embarrassed to say yes, but she actually said, I
said, No. So then I, after asking her quite a few guys said, Leah,
your marriage is actually not even valid. It wasn't a marriage. This
will learn how Rahman Rahim Al Hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah,
Hamden, kefir on the human mobile reconvene Mubarak anally Cana your
hegu Rabona Well, the general ledger learn who I am and Awad was
salatu salam, O Allah say you will have even Mustafa SallAllahu there
are the other You are early or Safi or Baraka was seldom at the
Sleeman cathedral Eli Yomi Dean Amma bad
call Allah who died I feel Quran in Nigeria will for coining Hamid
woollacott Arsenal narrow Salam in public ledger Anna whom as version
123 year
yeah, you're a nurse with taco robber Kamala D hot cocoa mint FC
Wahida wahala. Colleen has a birth I mean, whom Richard and Kathy are
on when he saw what the hula hula de Luna he will have in Allah
Corona La Cumbre. Akiva. So the Kola who love him.
So my dear brothers and their sisters, dear friends,
we're going to speak about relationships, particularly to do
with marriage, but these are transferable discussions that
we're having. And inshallah this will help in all other areas as
well.
And so hopefully, Allah subhanaw taala make it beneficial for us.
So we're speaking about trying to get a happy relationship going,
what exactly should this relationship be? Marriage is so
many things to different people.
Different cultures have different
ideas about marriage. And for some people, it's just a chore. It's
what you have to do. When you get a certain age, you have to do it
because you have to procreate if you don't do it, everybody is
going to be asking you, some people get married, because they
just don't want to deal with the question of whether you're going
to get married brother, or sister.
But it carries on because after you get married, then it's like,
when are you going to have children?
And the news yet? Like what do you mean by news? Any news yet? You
know, so what exactly is marriage, and because of the mixed
understanding of what marriage is, there's a lot of problems, we
don't have to deal with it. Because we don't know what the
purpose of marriage is.
Marriage ultimately is the coming together of two people in the name
of Allah subhanho, wa Taala to procreate, as is the Sunnah of
Allah in this world.
However, it's not that easy. Everybody puts their focus on
marriage in the preparation stage.
The amount of effort that is put on the two, or three or four or
five or 10 days of marriage is more than they actually put into
the rest of their life.
The amount of effort
that they put into the focus on what they're going to wear, who
they're going to invite what the food is going to be,
and so on and so forth.
Very few people actually think how is it really going to be when I
get they have these romantic ideas
of
what they think the fantasy is all going to be about. But very few
people actually start another I'm going to be with another human
being that comes with own independent ideas and desires and
thoughts. It's no longer what it used to be 50 to 100 years ago,
and B before where it was pretty standard. Everybody knew exactly
what marriage was all about. Because at that time, men worked
in either some kind of business or the fields or the farm or
something like that.
And the girls came and they got married and they had children and
they cooked and they clean. They went around the community. girls
weren't educated in those days. Very few women were educated in
those days. Now women also educating themselves. They also
want careers, right? So it becomes a lot more complicated.
Right? It'd be becomes a lot more complicated.
So it was quite simple. The expectations were much less now
you have to think of so many different things.
Right, you have to think of so many different things. So what I'm
going to speak about today
is that I'm going to speak about certain traits that we should all
have,
that usually cause problems. If you don't get them, right, they
usually cause problems in marriage. Okay, so I'm going to
quickly go through that, then I've got a list of additional points
that I've made that I want to share with you, and get our
thoughts going. And then we'll open it up to questions. Because
in a short amount of time that we have, we can't possibly discuss
everything related to marriage, we just can't write these courses
that I've done before they take several hours. And that doesn't
even cover everything, right. So in an hour, how much you're going
to do an hour and a half, whatever, you know, how much
you're going to do. So I do want the, I do want you to have the
opportunity to ask relevant questions, inshallah. Because then
at least we can zoom into those issues. Firstly, I'm going to
mention a few points. The first point is that what we need to look
at is to focus on the time once we will be together now you might be
a lot of people here might be saying, well, I'm already married.
I've already passed those phases. Yes, that's true. But what I'm
going to say actually relates to everybody, even people who are
veterans in marriage, people who are married already and people who
are not married, because these things if we don't sort them out,
they're probably causing problems in our marriage right now. So we
can enhance our it can enhance our marriage. If we sought them out
and if you're not married, then inshallah you can actually have a
good marriage from the beginning. And if you are now on the last
steps, right veterans in marriage, well you can teach this to the
people who need to know from your family that you want them to get
married. I feel sorry for our little poor brother there. What
he's going to take from this, but me what's your name? Dean if you
don't understand something, put your hand up.
Your brother Mr. Orange, what's your name
you're the only one with Orange Man. The way you stress the model
it's Marwan not Marwan is marijuana. It's not Marvin
is marijuana is the Elif is mer one okay, that's your name is a
cool name. Okay, so say property not Marwan right. Marwan I don't
know who Marvin is. Right. Mashallah. Thanks for being here.
La ilaha illa. Allah, one of the first things that are a big
problem to marriage is anger.
Okay, that is a problem. If you've got a problem with anger, you need
to sort it out. Otherwise, it's going to mess your marriage up. If
you are already married, it probably is spoiling your
marriage. Okay, we just want to be honest, and have these honest,
reflective discussion today. Okay, how would you sort out anger?
Personally, what helped me and I think I had a bit of an anger
issue, I probably still do. Right? My wife has helped me a lot. But I
think one thing that helps a lot in anger, is to read the Quranic
verses regarding it. And I did this whole series of lectures on
anger, and then the Hadith about it. And you understand what the
Prophet sallallahu Sallam is saying, and then when you know
about this, when you find the triggers of anger, and so on, and
then you try to control yourself. Now, there are also amazing
courses out there on anger management. And you owe it to
yourself if you've got a problem in anger to go and take a course
and you can take it privately online if you want to.
Right, you don't have to tell anybody about it, but really, it
will spoil your relationships. Because anger is just one of those
indiscriminate, fiery shaytani ideas that when it goes in excess,
it just causes a lot of problems.
You have to remember that Allah subhanaw taala creates everybody
so Marwan you and everybody here Allah has created us with a set of
qualities, and a set of challenges and weaknesses. So if you compare
just three, four or 5234, brothers and sisters, one family, right,
same parents, same food, etc, you will see that one of them is
slightly more laid back than the other. One of them gets a bit more
angry than the other. One of them is a bit more stingy than the
other one is more generous than the other.
They all have different traits. And a parent's responsibility and
our responsibility and a teacher's responsibility and own individual
response is to figure out what my qualities are, and use them for my
success in this world in the Hereafter and figure out my
weaknesses. Like I've got an anger problem. So then to suppress it
and control it.
Allah makes everybody unique in that sense. Our job is to use our
qualities and to control our defects.
That's that's what it is. That's it. There's nobody
perfect in this world, only the profits are made as perfect as you
can get. Nobody else is perfect. We all have issues. And we don't
focus on that. Well now how do I know I've got an anger problem?
Then we just very simply compare myself to my brothers and sisters.
Do I get more angry than rest? Then I probably got an anger
problem. compare myself to my friends. Oh my god, do I get more
angry than them? I probably got an anger problem.
Have I caused problems? It does because of anger. I mean, come on,
we should know this by now. Right? Okay, number two.
Again, this is just to give us an idea of how to look at this right?
Number 2am. I very sensitive.
Am I very sensitive, and start crying for small things and stop
talking to people?
Right? Some of these things are more in women, some of them are
more in men, right? So it just really depends. Very difficult to
live with somebody who's on small, small issue stops talking to you.
How do you live a life like that?
deal with the matter and get on carry on.
You just cry for free. You just keep crying on small things. And
there's some people in 27th night they can't even cry, even though
they try to a new mashallah you just something small happens and
you just start crying. So if you do have the issue, we need to sort
it out. And the way to sort that out that I found to be useful for
many people is that the as I've suggested to many people is that
start reading the Quran with meaning
one or two pages. And then every time you feel sensitive, start
reading, just take the Quran, start reading on your phone,
wherever
over
and you will find lots of things to cry about. That way you will
channel your emotions in the right way, and you'll get something for
your crying.
Okay, number two, if you can't do that at that moment, and you
really feel like crying because you that's what you've been doing.
Just pick up your hands to Allah and cry to Allah instead of just
crying for free.
You can't live like that deal with the matter. And get on with it.
Once my son came home from school, and he was 678 years old.
And
I just heard him saying that I'm not talking to my friend.
Right. But when you've been through that kind of thing where
somebody doesn't want to talk to somebody. So I heard I said, Where
did you learn to stop talking to somebody from Who taught you that?
We don't do that.
We just say what we have to say we deal with every move on? Right?
You don't stop talking to there are there are valid reasons to
stop talking to people in some cases, right? But
you deal with the matter.
So what we usually say is that look, deal with the issue. And
then and then move on. Number three, are you addicted to
something?
Are you too into something? If you're really into your football,
and you're gonna get married, come home, or you're married, and you
come home from a long days of work, and you just want to watch
football or Netflix or Amazon or whatever else it is for three,
four hours.
That's going to cause a problem. Are you really into your family in
the sense that even after you're married, you're still going to be
rushing to your mom's house all the time. And you're just about
going to spend, you know, come home to cook or something. You
understand these are all issues.
A marriage needs a whole new approach. You're a new person,
you're now a husband or a wife. You're no longer just regular
Amador Artesia,
then you're a new person, you're, you're going to be a father,
hopefully, you're going to be a mother soon.
So now I'm going to so now you understand how to think about this
think in your life, what are those things that will create some
abrasion and some turbulence between somebody else in any
relationship of yours, you should think about those things and sort
them out your it's really worth it. Otherwise, you'd only tolerate
it for a certain reason, for a certain amount of time. In the
last one and a half years, I've dealt with about three to 420 year
old marriages,
meaning marriages that are 20 years old, not marriages of 20
year olds, but 20 year old marriages with children who are
can be married, and now they're going to break up.
Because their marriage has been messed up for the last 15 to 17
years, and they've not done anything about it because
culturally, they couldn't because the culture is messed up. Or they
were scared to do anything about it, or they got bad advice.
The advice that I'm going to give based on this is that if you have
issues get help sooner than later,
really get help sooner than later. The reason is that initially,
you'd have one problem. Now that everybody's gonna have problems in
marriage, by the way, the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, his
daughter Fatima or the Allahu anha once you went to visit Ali, you
had something
to say to him, ask him, wanted to meet him. So he got it ready
alone. He got to his house, Fatima, and her opened the door.
Where's Ali? Are the hola Juan said over here we've had a little
bit of an issue, he's probably an ease in the masjid. Right. So the
process that I was on went to see him in the masjid. So everybody's
going to have some kind of issues as you get to. And if you do this,
well, you will start having lesser issues.
Right? It's never 100% Perfect, just remember that it's never 100%
Perfect. You have to know how to deal with the issues. That's
what's important, you have to know how to deal with the issues. So
the less issues that I create by thinking about them from before,
or by thinking that I need to, then the less chance that your
children's lives, eventually is going to be lives are going to be
punctured by a divorce or a separation, or just constant
turmoil in the house. So in the beginning, there's going to be an
issue one issue, for example. Now, not everything is a big issue,
things will can get resolved, if there's a will to resolve it.
The issue that I'm talking about is the one that stays for multiple
days and gives you sleepless nights and aggravates you and it
doesn't get sorted out.
That's when you need to get help you don't go around to your mum
each time that something happens.
And mums are not the best places to go all the time either because
they're very, very biased, except in some cases where they're very,
very objective, and very fair about it. Okay, so we're not
talking about small issues, we're talking about issues that last get
help because when you have one issue, it's like you've gone a bit
into the ground. So you're both in a little trench, right, you're not
on the same platform and you're you're in a little trench, it's
quite easy to resolve it come out of that and be together again, if
you have now if you don't solve that and you have another issue,
you've just sunk a bit deeper, you're getting further away from
one another. Now imagine if you don't deal with these issues.
You don't resolve them somehow, you just keep getting deeper and
deeper and deeper until you can't even see one another anymore.
That's literally how it happens. dealt with people's cases over you
know, several years before they were at least living in the same
room. And now when we're over the years, we're not even sleeping
together anymore.
It's but they don't want to do anything about it. Because they
don't. They're not they don't have the courage to do anything.
Remember, miracles don't happen, usually.
Right. And there's some people who think that just by doing
everything will become right.
doesn't usually happen that way.
In Hola Hola, yo yo Roma, we call me hatha yoga. Yiruma be unfussy
him.
Allah makes and pushes the change, once you start making the effort,
they're not willing to take that gamble. I mean, I call it a
gamble. But it's not make that effort of doing something
different, they do the same old, same old and doesn't work. And
they think one day it's gonna work, it doesn't work, get help
sooner than later. I know, I'm not necessarily being as detailed.
Because then, you know, I'm going to discuss these things.
Now, what we have to remember, is get help sooner than later. Now
I'm going to share with you certain other points, that
points to think about and then inshallah we'll move on to you
people. Not remember, in any relationship, let's just say
there's a brother who's been married for 20 years, when they
got married 20 years ago, they were literally different people
than they are now. Humans change.
Even the studies on the brain shows that your brain will be
quite different, the way
that the form of it will be very different, at least every 10
years.
Our desires, our thoughts, the way we do things, our maturity level,
our experiences, they change a lot throughout. And thus our partner
will change as well. And we can hopefully change for the better.
Now what's going to happen, think about this, you get married. So
now you become a husband, you become a wife, very different from
being that individual. But if you still want to act just like
a bachelor, then clearly that's wrong because you have to play the
role of a husband or wife now.
Now, once your husband or wife unless you get divorced, you're
constantly going to be husband or wife. Right? So then you're going
to have a child so you're going to become a father now. You're going
to become a mother. Now, with a father, there's probably less
change that takes place. But with a mother, there's massive changes
that take place. Fathers just don't understand it. For a mother
there's biological changes that take place when they become a
mother.
A massive change in the body.
Right? Men just don't get it, they want them to be exactly the same
available. Right? We have children here. So we need to discuss things
at that level, right? In these words, they think they still want
to be available, they have to be available. Right in the same way,
they just don't realize
the effect on their body, and so on. And some women even after
having enough rest, they don't make an effort, because they
become a mother. Now, this is amazing what Allah subhanaw taala
is placed into the mother that as soon as a woman she she can be
however she is. Independent, outgoing, absolutely selfish,
indulgent, and she becomes a mother, the majority of women
change, some still don't. Right. But the majority of women change,
they become a mother.
They're focused on that child, what it does to them, their
hormones, their emotions, everything changes, there's
science behind this, that the whole
emotions and the whole the way the hormones are there, all of that
changes to make them befitting
that purpose,
they become soft in that sense. And that is not a weakness, that
is what should be celebrated. Because that makes them perfect
for being the primary child rarer.
So
when you become a mother or a father, your actions, your
behaviors, your pressures, your stresses, your thoughts, your
psychology, your concerns, everything changes.
And if you don't think that you're not prepared for that, you didn't
think of that. And then you're going to hate yourself. Or you're
going to
think that, why can't I do what I used to do? Well, you can't do
because this is a different stage of your life. And there's
different responsibilities. And the spouse needs to understand
that as well.
This one relates more to women, though, because they're the ones
who go through a lot of change. You can be once you become a
mother, you can't be that same carefree person, as you were when
you didn't, you weren't a mother. Likewise, the guy is your father.
Now, you can't be the same person, you've got a responsibility now.
The mother is going through all of that physiological change and
preparation and efforts. You have to do everything else.
What happens in marriage is marriage is like a curve that goes
up and down. If you imagine marriage on a graph, so marriage
is like a curve that goes up and down. So what happens is that
there's a little bit of misunderstanding. Maybe the tea
wasn't as hot as this that day.
All right, or something and you just came back from was like, I
like my tea very hot. Okay, and mashallah Mona was so considerate
to us. Should I even cool it down for you? Allahu Akbar.
Right, Masha, Allah, you're gonna, I hope you do that to your wife as
well. You know what she does that to you? You clearly learned it
from somewhere, right? You don't think of these things if you're
not being if you don't have the tarbiyah? You have to remember
that. I go to many places, especially when I go to university
talks. And you can tell the tarbiyah of that student who is
hosting you, by the way he hosts you.
You understand with a masjid is these mature guys, they do it
right? Hamdulillah. But when you go to a university is 17 1819 year
olds, they're hosting you and you can tell the tarbiyah.
Right, you can tell how they parents brought them up. It's
amazing.
So the marriage, remember, marriage is going to constantly go
up and down. So why am I telling you that in the UPS, you enjoy it,
when you go down, you put a bit more investment in,
you put bit more effort to get it back up. It may not if you if you
don't do that it'll stay down, the curve just keeps going down. So
marriage requires management.
It could be an additional gift, it could be sitting down and having a
discussion. Sometimes couples can't have discussions because you
just don't listen to one another. So what I usually suggest to them
is write an email to them.
That they can just relax and read and not get defensive
straightaway. If you've got a spouse is very defensive. And as
soon as you bring something up, they just start getting defensive
and responding. Right and justifying the actions. Don't talk
to them. You can't you know what's going to happen. Learn learn from
your experiences. People don't learn this. Doing the same thing
over and over. They think it's going to work the next time.
write them an email, write them a letter, you know, write them a
nice letter and leave it for some there and don't be there. So they
can just read it. They can process their anger, you know, their
defensiveness and maybe, you know, write this to make sure you
Bismillah at the top and a lot of doors and things like that. So
that is blocking that, you know, there's a Barack of Allah subhanaw
taala. There, you have to use different sides. So remember that
marriage is going to be like a, like ups and downs graph and the
down points, you have to put extra effort in there, use different
strategies, get some assistance, put some more focus on there to
push it back up. Marriage requires constant until will it be this,
this up and down is a lot more at the beginning, this variation is a
lot more until you get to know one another. I remember one thing,
the best marriage is the one where you start to love your partner.
And care for them. That's what you care for them. If you care for
them, then whatever you do to them, is going to harm you. So you
will not do anything harmful to them. If you end up doing
something that
that irritates them, it's gonna irritate you, because you're gonna
feel bad. If you've reached that stage, you've reached a good
stage, if you're not at that stage where you don't mind irritating
them, because it does nothing to in fact, it makes you happy, then
you're in a very bad, bad place.
That is the secret of marriage. If I upset my wife, and she gets
upset, and I feel upset, because she's upset, then that is, then
I'm not going to make her upset. But if we're divorced from that
idea already that we've got different emotions, then we
already divorced in emotions. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Then physically, you may have been, you know, you should be, you
know, what are you doing together?
So you have to understand this. Now, you might think, well, you
know, she's so bad, or he's so bad or whatever. And what's amazing is
that love, you might not have love with somebody, but you can
actually create that afterwards. It's amazing, if you focus on the
positives, is exactly what the professor was and tells us, a man
should not hate a woman. Because of certain things, he should focus
on some character traits, because if he's unhappy with certain
characteristics, he should, he would be happy with other
character traits. The people who are usually very upset about stuff
is because either they had they had wrong.
They were they they got married with the wrong ideas in mind of
what it should be. Right? They had this fairy tale idea of something
being perfect, right? I mean, I know we live in a world right now
where people are trying to be a manufactured doll.
Right, the Barbie story, right that people girls, because of that
story, girls are trying to become like that, even though that's
manmade, and they got made, right, but they want to become like, I
know, we're living in some weird, really weird, complicated
situations. But
so if the promise also is encouraging us to think of the
positives, and make it work, otherwise, the shape, fine is
going to remind us of the, the negatives.
So marriage is the married, the marriage curve goes up and down.
We need to invest and work on it to get it elevated again. So now
let's separate pure love and romance. Romance is that butterfly
feeling you know, when you're flirting with somebody when it's
prohibited, or when it's new. So novelty brings romance, usually,
right, and illicit relationships bring romance, then when you
actually get married, it becomes boring for some people.
And that's really a downer. That's why we don't allow dating in
Islam.
Because once you get married, he's like, I've got her now there's no
challenge left, it's going to become boring. Not to say that's
the case all the time. But let all of that happen in their marriage
and let it carry on forever.
Discover one another property, you have to do some background checks
before you get married. But once you're content with as much as you
can find before you get married, then once you get married, then it
needs to be that whole discovery of one another and investment from
both sides. So romance can decline though. Remember that your
marriage is not about romance, romance can decline. But Your love
history has to intensify and enhanced So somebody asked me a
question that how does your love increase? After you've been with
somebody for doesn't it get like, old doesn't love get old? Love is
that amazing thing that love is not about increase or decrease? I
think that love if you do it right, with the same person will
only get more intense and enhanced. It's more of a
qualitative change, as opposed to a quantitative change.
It'll become more enhanced. The reason why love becomes more
enhanced is because you know more about that person, what they like
and dislike. So you're more careful around that and you've
actually molded yourself to a certain degree to work along with
that. That's why it becomes more
enhanced,
then what happens is that you have less problems, because you're not
doing things that are crazy, you've learned to sacrifice some
of your own data, they've learned to sacrifice some of their own.
And you've kind of met
somewhere in a very comfortable mean.
So love is very different from romance. Right? Romance can
decline, but love will can endure and become more refined, and more
elaborate. The problem we have today is that it's very difficult
for people to focus on one individual.
Before you'd get married to somebody, and they'd be every they
would, there would be some distractions, but they won't be so
easily available, the culture wouldn't allow it, and so on. And
it'd be physically difficult for you to do other things and so on,
right? However, now with the access to *, it's
created for men, these really strange ideas. So what what does
it do?
What it does not just *, but because the world now the
social media now allows beautiful women before, if there was a
beautiful woman in an area, right in one area, she would be
beautiful in that area alone. But eventually she'd get married to
somebody and you know, they would live happily ever after, it'd be a
done deal, right, she's not going to be available to anybody else
afterwards. But for the most part, now women are finding that it's so
easy to actually promote to their beauty for the whole world and
display to the whole world
is no longer just you're the only beauty in town, you want to be the
most beautiful person around the world, on Instagram, and Tiktok.
And
and then that's all for free. Now they've given you a way to make
money
for your pitches
on these other sites, where there's these guys who are losers
who come and watch and pay you for it.
I don't want to mention names here to give people ideas, but you
know, where this is all going. Now, what is that done.
So women have now got a platform for this, whereas there was no
platform for doing this kind of stuff before.
So now what that's done is that it's made men disposable.
I'm so beautiful. I've got hundreds of men wanting me, I got
my choice, I can take whatever I want. So now you're gonna choose
maybe the wealthiest guy or guy gives you the most gifts or
whatever. But is that what makes a good husband,
they can leverage their beauty today, as they've never done
before, because they can have millions of followers.
They're literally making themselves out to be the God as
such that everybody's following.
So it's gonna put men down in value. On the other hand, you've
got men who have access to all of this, and to * and
whatever they want. So what they know they can do is they can
access any of this
and not be rejected, because it's all on demand online.
How do they transfer that into the real world of an individual?
They don't know how to deal with real individuals, because they've
been dealing with unfortunately, online, people who are there just
to express themselves for you.
So can you see how the whole thing has created such a complication in
people's minds.
That's why men and women are getting further apart.
One person is mentioning that within five doors, five houses
around him there are three or four women who are over 40 years old,
and they're not married yet.
You have to avoid this stuff.
Men and women are going further apart. And even if they do come
together, because in Islam, you bring them together. Because
there's all of this confusion in the minds, it's just not letting
it stick together. There's no value for one another.
Today, the world has given you an ability, social media and so on
has given him the ability to narrowly indulge very deeply in
one specific aspects of advice.
So you ignore everything else you're so in tune with this
particular aspect. You can't take a person for who they are anymore,
because you're so addicted to a very have multiple very specific
vices. I mean, I can't say this very openly. You know what I'm,
hopefully you understand what I'm talking. If you don't, it's okay.
This is destroying humanity.
This is not good for us. Marriage is to create shared meaning and
purpose.
There has to be some shared meaning and purpose what we're
going to do in life where do we want to go with this because that
is the Islamic view of marriage.
My book on marriage, you know what the last chapter is husband and
wife in paradise. Because when you read all the verses in the Quran
about paradise when you read verses about Paradise, and you
read the Hadith, in fact, there is no Bachelor in Paradise. Do you
know that there is no single people in paradise, Allah has
created humans to be together with a husband and wife,
with as a couple. And in paradise, you will if you get there, you
will have a couple you will be a couple, even if you've gone as an
individual, as a bachelor, because there are if you're a man, then
there are women who've gone single, the they'll hook you up
together.
Right. And then of course, you know, that that's, that's what it
is.
It's human nature to have a husband to have a man and woman
come together. That's that is how Allah has designed it. That's how
ultimately it'll be in Jannah. Inshallah,
read the verses Mara as wording there'll be with as words, as
words, as words, with their spouses, with their spouses, with
their spouses, you're not going to be with your father, in paradise,
you're not going to be living with your mother. Because if you are,
you will all be living in a happy family with other monies. Now, I
guess we are all in paradise without the money. So
you're going to be with your spouse, your children have their
own family, and their children have their own family. Yes, you
can visit one another. But that's what you're going to be.
You know, if you marry somebody as an example, right, this is doesn't
have to be from the man side woman says any side, if a man marries a
woman who, because he's just struck with her beauty,
then most likely he's gonna let her take advantage of him.
Because he's just mesmerized by the beauty beauty and she knows
that you think they don't know.
They're just gonna take advantage of you, and then you become a
loser. It doesn't work that way. It's not about not taking advice
is that you're doing the wrong thing. Plus, if you get married
just for beauty, I'm not saying beauty should not be thought about
Yes, you do. And you do need to be married to somebody you're
attracted to. That's, that's definitely something you should be
focused on.
Right, both husband and wife. But if you're just focused on beauty
is marriage, about having the most beautiful person, you're going to
put her in your front room on a stage. And she just has to sit
there for you for 24 hours? And who's going to watch her because
that's what you got married to four?
Or are there multiple other things that husband wife required to do?
Right? So that's what you have to think about here. Remember, one
thing a lot of people might ask about multicultural marriages,
nothing wrong with them, and we are becoming multicultural, but I
don't think we're so multicultural. No, we're very
multicultural in this country. And we're still very, very
multicultural in the sense that mashallah people still adhere to
their own culture still, where we, it will take another 50 to 100
years where people will everybody will just be eating fish and chips
and pizza and pasta and things like that? Or actually, no, I
think it's going to be biryani and
cry, gosh, because that's the most famous, right, you know what I'm
saying? It takes a while.
So what we have to do is when you get married,
you want to improve the chances of getting married, so you try to get
married to somebody as most compatible as possible to you.
Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with getting married to different
cultures. Nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing wrong.
But already marriage is between two individuals don't ideas, you
still have to get used to both of them. So
two people from similar backgrounds will usually have a
higher rate of success. Why? Because they already know one
another's expectations and culture is that much you don't have to
worry about. Right? Whereas when you get married to a new culture,
not only are you learning about the individual, but also their
culture, and you're going to be expected to do and don't tell me
you're not cultural person. By the way, is there anybody here who is
not a cultural person?
Who doesn't believe in culture who, like tries to be non
cultural, can it can you tell me, is there anybody like that?
Must be somebody there's always somebody
know, there's a lot of people who don't like being Pakistani. I
don't like Pakistani culture. I don't like Indian culture. I don't
like Somali culture, Yemeni culture, whatever it is. And you
know what, that's fine. But you still have a culture.
You're just going to take out certain things of your culture and
put something else in there. That's what you're doing. And
we've already done that by living in this country.
In this country, you can no longer be fully Pakistani,
fully Indian, fully Yemeni you can't be is impossible. I'll give
you an example. When you go back if you are originally from back
and you go back to Pakistan, you frown and disapprove of some
things that they do there. Right because you think you know
differently.
You've already changed.
That's the way that's just the way the whole society works. I have
neighbors who are of different, you know, ethnicities and I take
the best from them.
And I avoid the bad even of my own culture, that's what we're
supposed to do. The Prophet sallallahu, some in Madina,
Munawwara, he kept the good aspects of the Arabian culture
even destroyed all and say I brought a new culture for you.
Islam doesn't do that. Islam just gives you paradigms and
boundaries, and rules and principles, say whatever is good.
And then every one of our cultures has some very good stuff in there.
And it also has some weird stuff, we take out the bad, we keep the
good, and we take any other good from anywhere else, nothing wrong
with that.
The benefit of going with a proper Islamic culture
is that you have a paradigm to some fixed principles. The modern
world doesn't give you a fixed principle, they're changing. every
so many years, every so many months things are changing.
As a human being is too much work to change, you'd rather have
principles from Allah subhanaw taala. And you you just deal with
that.
One of the biggest things that you need in marriage is honesty.
Even if it is hard,
don't lie in marriage. ajeeb how husband and wives have this
amazing ability to figure out a life you're living you living
together so closely. You can you have so many things, you know,
when somebody lies, right, they can be a very clever liar. But
ultimately, the lie because you're too close, and you can't, you
can't hide something forever.
I think one of the best policies you're gonna have is to be honest,
as much as possible. If you've done something wrong, at least if
you're honest, they won't be a distrust issue.
Okay, they won't be a distrust issue, at least say, okay, at
least he's honest, unless you've got something going. Because if
they're going to find out your spouse afterwards, they'll never
trust you again. That's why it's very, very important to make sure
that you don't blatantly lie in these things.
Now, if, if you did do something wrong, and you are honest, the
other side has to because they want to invest in this marriage,
they will adjust themselves to let the marriage carry on.
It's a constant adjustment, you find that your spouse did
something that you disliked. They're honest about it, you've
spoken about it now. Adjust yourself and carry on.
Don't hold grudges for too long, otherwise, that will constantly
irritate you. Okay, another thing and then inshallah I'm going to
open it up.
Something I found out recently, let's just say that something got
you angry. Right? An event happened and it got you angry? How
long should that anger last? Does anybody know? No, this is human.
This is human biology, human emotion.
So yeah. So so this is what I'm going to speak about.
According to the studies, what is anger, anger, when you get angry
when somebody something irritates you, something irks you, what
happens is that there's a release of a hormone called cortisol. Now
that flushes through your system, how long does it take to flush out
once it's been released about 90 seconds, on average? One and a
half minutes.
So it may be very difficult for you within one and a half minutes
to compose yourself, unless you're very good at this and you've
practiced it. So one and a half minutes, okay. But after that, if
you let's just say that an event took place yesterday, yesterday
was Friday,
a little little event happened, you got angry. Now, you can either
deal with it, get over it, because the
the hormone has gone, you know, he's been flushed out of your
system. However, if you want, what you can do is you can keep
bringing it up making yourself angry and keep releasing it.
Basically on demand Netflix of misery.
You understand on demand Amazon, you can order it anytime.
You can do that if you want to keep getting angry.
It's like what's the point of getting angry, have spilled milk,
it's done. Let's deal with it and move on.
That's very important to understand. Right? That remember
should only take you 90 seconds after that you don't have an
excuse, unless you want to be angry. So those people who hold
grudges for too long, who things bother them for too long. They
need to understand this that they need to give up this and don't
mind for misery.
Usually mothers are very involved with the children. Right? And the
fathers. They think that they don't have much to do. So they
take extra time at work. Or they go out with their friends. They
play football they
I'm on a laptop while the mother is waiting in bed, and he's on a
laptop in another room doing I don't know what, and so on and so
forth. Right? So men think that
they don't have to be pot. And you have to remember that once you get
children, the children actually need both male and female energy
in the house, which they get from their mother and father, both
girls and daughters and sons, they both need male and female energy.
And there's a lot of studies now that have taken place and are
taking place about where an absent father syndrome, and what that
does to the women, such as the girls. According to some research,
it shows that girls who don't have a father figure in the house,
they'll actually biologically start menstruating sooner than
other girls. That's one thing emotionally, they will be
Subhan, Allah, emotionally, they will fall for older men in the
beginning, they're looking for that father figure.
So it's much more easier for them to be groomed
because they missed their father. And it's like humans need that.
We're not helping.
Also, when it comes to the malicious mothers syndrome,
sometimes you have these, you have a lot actually, unfortunately,
it's happening too much. I know at least 10 to 15 people now. Right,
where they divorced, they're separated, and the mother is not
allowing the father to see the child.
I know 10 to 15 people personally, right, that you can see how
the, the mothers, they're doing this out of spite. They're doing
this out of narcissism. They're doing this to attack the ex
husband. And I think it's it's great. Now, this is what the
studies show about what the children have homes, the children,
right? So it says that the children brought up in that kind
of a single mother marriage, single mother parent, because of
this situation, they're going to grow up because the mother is
usually going to
convince them that your dad's a bad guy. I've saved you. Right,
I've played very hard to save you. They're gonna grow up thinking
that the mother was abused as sorry, Mother was abused by a man
some men are abusers. Number one, and some men are abused. Some men
are abusers. But in this particular case, they're going to
make it they're going to even if he was not an abuser, they're
going to make him out to be an abuser, and that the mother is the
Savior. And then
as the child gets older, for marriage, he's constantly going to
be looking for vulnerable women thinking that I have to save them.
Because he's been growing up looking after his mother,
ultimately, because he's always seen her as vulnerable, because
she's made herself out to be that way that I'm alone, I'm single,
and so on. And the father is a bad guy and all the rest of it, he's
going to try to rectify that, by trying to find battered women, to
try to marry them to try to sort them out and it doesn't work.
It's it's really bad cycle they're putting them into. So one has to
be very, very careful.
Remember, children need both the parents energies, very important.
There's a there's actually an interview with a woman who is now
an older woman. And she said she was brought up by two mothers, you
know, the whole modern idea of having two mothers, I don't mean
like one husband, and then two wives, and, you know, they bring
up the children together. I don't mean that. I mean, you know, two
mothers that as they have married together or whatever, and she
said, look, they were wonderful people, but I miss you know, it's
not the same as having a father figure. What males can provide
women's cannot provide as much as they do anything. And what women
can provide the males can never provide. So you need both of
those, both of that, and that the only way to do that is actually
to have a healthy relationship. That's why according to one major
idea there is that parenting is actually to fix yourself.
You fix yourself and you can be better parents. So the most
important factors in a marriage or the husband wife, if they can have
a healthy relationship, your children can be brought up in a
healthy relationship. Otherwise, you can't have healthy children if
you don't have a healthy relationship yourself. May Allah
subhanaw taala I mean, that's all I'm gonna share with you. I have a
lot of other points but I want to open up to questions and you know,
we have to move on. So yeah, any questions that you have let's take
those questions in sharp
Yeah, so mashallah, our uncle he already sent us some questions is
Iman and o'clock base basic conditions in Muslim marriage, ie
believers Muslims cannot marry non believers into your birth until
you've been right so Allah subhanho wa Taala says a play your
Bertolucci Bina and a hobby that will have been automatically been
A payable to the TV no T. Boone. Anita, you bet. So yes, pure Chase
women have a pure Chase men and
unchaste men for and chase women. And what that basically means is
that usually that's what you're going to look for, you're going to
look for somebody like yourself, usually. So there's a number of
people who've
wanted to have a stunning wife, right? Who literally
is an eye Turner for everybody. That's what he was a trophy wife.
And then mashallah, he got some guidance, and he's changed his
ways. But now she's not ready to change your ways. And he's in a,
he's in a dilemma. So one of the ways to understand this verse is
that you should obviously choose somebody like you. But then it's
discouraging you to choose somebody who's not by you and
who's not chaste. Because that, why would you choose somebody like
that? Then you must be like that as well. So there's some
psychology in this verse as well to explain that. Now, maybe this
is asking, also that, can Muslims marry non Muslims, now you have to
remember that marriage is a religious idea. It's always been a
religious idea. Now they've made it a secular idea. So literally,
any two individuals, whether they believe in God or not, can go to
the marriage registrar and get and say that they married as long as
they fulfill certain, you know, licenses or whatever it is, right.
But in history, that's never been the case. Marriage was never a
state idea. Right? It was never a civil issue. It was a religious
issue. Christians got married and Jews got married, and Muslims get
married. And Hindus get married to one another. It's a religious
idea. It's blessing. It's a it's a blessing communion. Where did it
become a secular idea just exchanging vows? On what basis for
who? How can how can law govern that idea, right, and then it make
divorce so difficult.
So that's never been a civil idea. Anyway, I mean, at least. So
that's why in every religion, you get married to your own religion,
because it's going to be blessed in the name of that religion.
Usually, in Islam, though, there were some exceptions that were
made based on need. However, they're disliked, they're only
done in a place of need, where if a Muslim man is unable to find a
decent Muslim woman to marry, then he can marry a, a Christian, or a
Jewish woman. That was allowed. However, the other man mentioned
that it's mcru and undesirable to do this, and reprehensible to do
this, because it's gonna cause a lot of confusion and difficulty
and challenges, especially for your offspring and children. And
I've seen that happen, actually. Right. So while there's been an
allowance for the however, the other way has not been allowed,
where a Muslim woman marries a non Muslim person of the book is not
allowed at all. Right? So that's the answer to that one, should
compatibility be taken into account education, family
background position in society, habits and ethnicity? Usually,
that's a good idea to take. Compatibility definitely should be
there. But compatibility no longer is not entirely the same as it
used to be, the compatibility norms have slightly changed. So in
many countries,
there used to be classes of people, right? So if you had a
higher class of a person, or an upper class of a person and a
person who were from, for example, the people who swept the streets,
or who cleaned the toilets, then it'd be really confusing because
they were so very fixed in their particular culture, that it'd be
very difficult for them to adapt to one another, like, physically,
practically, it'd be very difficult for them to adapt to one
another. Right? Because remember, the parents children, for
generations thought alike. There was no individual lism. In those
days, it was all tribalism. And, and people will have different
classes as such. And that's how they thought, and that's how they
did things. It was very difficult to change all of that. Right. So
we live in a place where it's more individual. I mean, you hardly
find children. I mean, it's variable, find children who think
alike, because their parents have different ideas. Right. So what is
compatibility? compatibility? Today, a lot of this can still
make sense. One rule that I would say is that usually a man can
marry anybody that is equal or lower. But a woman should never
marry somebody lower than her. What does lower mean though? We're
not talking about the C class system. But definitely in terms of
things that make sense. For example, if there's a man who
makes less money than her,
she makes more money that the studies that show that there is
going to be a lot of hazards in that marriage. The man is going to
feel important.
They actually say that it affects his * life.
Psychologically eventually
right because the design of the human being is the design of a
family structure in Islam is Andrija Luca Wellmune Allah Nisa
be malformed Allah Allahu Allahu Allah about what Bhima and Falco
mean, Amalia him.
As one of my wife's advices is for women is that don't get married to
anybody you can respect. For example,
right as an example, the wife gets married to somebody who's makes
lower money, less qualified. I've seen a marriage break two lawyers
in america. They both lawyers, they both they both lawyers,
however, the wife had studied at a better, a better university. And
in America, there's a lot of university classicism, classism,
right. And he had come from a lower level University. And that
just messed up their dynamic. Not saying that that was the only
reason. But that was definitely one thing that he pointed out to
me.
Right? Women should always marry equal or higher, so that they can
maintain the Islamic understanding of the Islamic hierarchy of a
household is the man being the ultimately responsible one, I
don't call him a dictator, according the responsible one,
because that's what the job is about. And if you can't respect
your husband, let's just say that you speak English without an
accent. And you get the girl, the wife, and she gets married to
somebody who can't speak English properly. And she that's a problem
for it doesn't have to be a problem. But that's a problem for
her. And she's going to be making fun of him. That's not going to
work. That's why in many cases where people try to get their
daughters forced them to marry their cousins from another
country, and they don't want to get married, they're doing a big
disservice.
I only say this openly, because I've seen they call me afterwards,
a 40 year old woman called me with a masala.
Some issue related to I don't know, Namaaz or something like you
know, only somebody concerned about their faith is going to ask
you that question. Right? So then, as we carried on speaking, she's
telling me she's married to a non Muslim.
Now that shocked me, because you're asking about something very
particular, of somebody who's quite practicing, and you're
married to anonymously, what does that even mean?
And then she said, later, long story, my parents forced me to
marry somebody from my village, or whatever it was, and we had no
companion I didn't want to marry and so on, and they make it seem
it's Islamic.
So what these people what these children do is they think it's
Islamic. So they start hating Islam. They don't realize that
their parents are just using Islam. Because in Islam, you can't
force your daughters to get married.
I just got a question last week.
The girl from one of our countries, the girl is now asking,
Is my marriage valid? I said, Why are you asking that? She said,
Because
when they came to ask me that, are you willing to marry this guy? I
said, No.
Like I clearly said, No. Then they asked my father,
and he wasn't happy about it.
Then my mum kind of said yes, because she was led to believe it
was okay or something. So she said it was okay. I said, Okay, this,
let me understand this properly. So I said, You never said yes. No,
I never said yes. You said no. Yes. I said, No. Because for
girls, if they stay silent, that could be taken as a yes. Because
they might be embarrassed to say yes. But she actually said, I
said, No. So then I after asking her quite a few guys said, Leah,
your marriage is actually not even valid. It wasn't a marriage. Now,
just to give you an understanding, let's just say that she had said
no, wish she hadn't said anything where she was not even consulted.
And her father married her off to someone. Then they told her
afterwards.
That look, we married you off, and she's like, Oh, great and
Hamdulillah that marriage is done.
But if she said no, then it's finished.
So it's a contingent marriage on her approval. I said, Yeah, your
marriage is not done. There's some really crazy things like that
going on Islam in our Sharia 400 females have at least they've
given the woman to say yes or no. Right? So what was I saying?
Don't get married, don't get your daughter's allow them to marry
somebody who's of a lower status because it spoils the Islamic
hierarchy Islamic system of the man being responsible if she can't
respect the husband doesn't work. Right? So that's why there's no
however, if there is somebody who doesn't speak as well as her, but
mashallah, he is a stable guy and is decent and all that and that
doesn't bother her. It's fine. It's completely fine.
A lot of this stuff is actually breaking down in England because
we're such multicultural now in that sense, and in about another
50 100 years. I've been to countries where there are Indian
Pakistanis and others for over 130 years now, and they get married to
one another
because these things aren't as important, but here it is still
important.
And I would encourage people to get married within the culture as
far as possible is just, you know what the expectations are. It's
just easier. Somebody came to me said that I don't want to get
married to my uncontested wives because they come with baggage.
So we're gonna get married to a convert, I said, fine. But convert
also come with baggage. It's just the different baggage. Everybody
comes in baggage.
Right, is that you got a bit tired of your own baggage. So you're you
want somebody else's baggage. That's what you want.
Okay.
Should compatibility Yes, prenuptial contracts could include
financial matters, any specific reason of husband wife inside and
outside the house and any greed rules to resolve disputes, agreed
rules. Yeah, prenuptial contracts nowadays, I think, especially if
you're a person with assets. So where I would suggest the
prenuptial contract is if you've got assets, and you're getting
married, like when you're older, and there could be some issues. I
think that would be helpful, because Islamic way is quite
clear. But the problem, but the issue is that the law gives 50%
rights and many women want to pursue that. And just just take it
all over. So I think that since it's useful, another place is
useful, is let's just say I had a case of a woman. Actually, no, I
didn't have it. Somebody else had the case of a woman who was
divorced from her husband, because he was quite violent and stuff
like that. And then after some years, they wanted to get back
together. Should I get back to him? She wanted to get back as
well. But she was unsure because you know, he's going to be. And I
think the last time what happened is that it took a while for him to
give divorce because there's a lot of men what they do is even though
it's marriages broken down, they refuse to give a divorce. And I
meant metalock Neoga. Why should I do the Haram Act? Now you've been
doing haram acts for your life. And now when it comes to this,
like I don't want to do it's not a haram act, get out of it. Let her
go. Sorry, who who? NESARA hon Jamila, they go, no, no, no, we
want her back. And I've had a case of a guy who's still waiting for
his wife to come back after three years. And she's moved on. And
he's having all sorts of pressure on here. Right? He's losing, you
know, you can't focus on business. Are you crazy? Are you waiting for
some modules? Or three years? Doesn't that teach you a lesson,
let it go and move on. There's a lot of other fish in the *.
Like, move on find somebody else. So there is there's a lot of
extremities, you know, from that sense. So what advice given to her
was that, okay, get married, but take in your marriage agreement,
you're going to agree, or he's going to agree to give you one
option of divorce.
Meaning if he's ever physically violent, or whatever it is, you
can issue a divorce yourself and extract yourself out of the
marriage and don't have to wait for him to give you the divorce,
and to hold you in ransom
and blackmail you that way. So there are some cases like that
where we do a lot where you got some concerns about the other
side, then we have these prenuptial contracts. Okay. Okay.
Bismillah, your questions now? Okay. So is it okay for the
husband and wife to share financial responsibilities in the
home? And if the wife makes more money, can she? Absolutely, if you
want to, you can give all of your money to your husband, or put it
in the house into what you want.
What I'm going to say is what the principle is, the principle is,
right is men be a man.
Your job, our job as men is what's really interesting. All right, no,
think of this.
If I have,
if my children have their own money,
from like, some rich inheritance or something like that, and
they've got a lot of money, I actually don't have to spend my
money on them. I can spend their money on them. So you know, your
child benefit money is actually given to the parent to be honest.
Right? So you don't need to leave that for your children. As long as
you're spending on your children, it's fine, you can keep that money
is given to a family. And if you want to read more about that go on
to our fatwa center.org and actually read the whole fatwa on
there because Family Child Benefit is not exclusively for the
children. It's for families with children to help with the
children. Okay, it's not the children's money as long as you're
spending on money. Okay, so now the main point here is that I
don't have to spend my money on Russia, I can literally take from
my children, the money that I spend on them for food. I'm not
going to do that. But you know what I'm saying, I can charge them
a rent for the room that they stay if I want to, technically
speaking,
right? Because you can do that. Not saying do that, but you can do
that. However, if my wife is a millionaire, I'm still responsible
to give her a place to a decent place to stay. clothing and food.
And she doesn't have to pay pay.
That's a husband's responsibility towards the wife. Okay? Now if the
wife wants to contribute without me obligating Fine, now as long as
I'm giving her and what standard
If I get a wife who comes from a family that
shops at Selfridges.
Right? And I'm trying to buy her stuff from George as the,
or from Primark, that's not allowed.
You have to take both sides. I mean, if you're going to if you
want an elephant as a pet, you're gonna have to feed it that much,
right? If you've got a if you get a five liter engine car, you got
to put that petrol is not going to work, is it? Otherwise, you can't
then say petrol is too expensive. Why do you buy that carbon? Right?
Buy a 1.0 carbon?
You know what I'm saying? In Sharia, it's based on the custom
of both family. So you take the husband, wife, both family and
you, you go into the moderate amount between them. Now, if she
wants more, I've given her mother, but she wants more, she wants more
luxury items. Go ahead, you can you can buy that I'm not obligated
to buy you luxury items. Now, if he just wants to contribute,
that's fine. That's not a problem.
Right? If you're already in that situation, there's nothing wrong
with that.
Women can contribute as much as they want. But all I will tell you
though, for the sake of inheritance later, you need to be
very clear. Who owns what, not as a way like I own that you own
this, just to know. So if there is a divorce or death, inheritance
doesn't become complicated. Or you could say we're going to put it
into a single account 5050 You make that much I make damages 5050
or 6040. That means anything we buy 60 4060 is yours. 40 is mine.
Just make sure you have the understanding, not in a way to be
greedy or to be, you know, OCD about it, just so that it's clear
as to what it is. But yes, women can contribute. That's fine. I
think the man the man should probably pay for all the
essentials, or at least he still feels like a man. Right that I'm
looking after you and she can take him on luxury holidays.
She can buy him expensive gifts. No extra anyway. She can take him
for almost every year.
I don't go into husband wife responsibilities, because it's
like saying what are the follow it up prayer?
Right. It's a good question. And I'm glad you asked it. But if if
somebody asked me check, can you tell me what the obligations in
prayer? So do you know what the oblique the Farah is the absolute
basic bare bone integrity of prayer is to say Allahu Akbar. And
you don't even have to raise your hands, that sunnah to raise your
hands. So you say Allahu Akbar, you read one verse, you can say,
without a bit of bigness, to fulfill the obligation to read the
whole of Fatiha is a word you've not afforded, or to read anything
else beyond that. So hamdu, lillahi, rabbil, aalameen, or some
another, and then I go into RUCO, stay there for like, a second. And
then I going to do to such does, and then I sit down. And I do for
God's sake, that I've done my prayer. What are you going to say
to that prayer?
Like, what kind of a prayer is that? You understand? So in
marriage, very few obligations. Anybody who goes and just focuses
on them, they're going to destroy their marriage. But it is relevant
to know
the husband, his his responsibility is to clothe her
decent clothing, give her a place to stay that is exclusive for her.
So it's if a person wants to keep his wife in his parents home.
And she says she has her own room maybe, but not a kitchen.
That is her own and bathroom, which is on she has to share that.
And she wants a separate she has the right to demand that. So
husband is required to give his wife a living space that could be
a decent studio flat, with a small kitchen that is appropriate for
the size of their family, a bathroom and kitchen. Toilet that
is hers that is for her and her husband to use nobody else uses
and a place that nobody else is going to interrupt them. It could
be an apartment in a house, where the rest of the family lives as
long as it's exclusive. You understand what I'm saying? That
much clothing and food. That's all his obligation is
basic. Her obligation to him is very simple.
It is number one, look after his assets when he's not there. So
don't let anybody enter and so on. So look after his assets and be
available to him to fulfill his desires whenever he needs it.
That's it.
That's all there is cooking.
You can't take a wife a wife refuse to cook you can't take her
to court for that in even in Islamic states.
However, the masala here is that if you
Get away
from a family where the women cook, then she will be between her
and Allah obligated to cook as well.
She would be sinful for not doing so but you can't take her to court
for it.
So there's a difference between the legal system and between him
and Allah. If she's from a family that have servants and cooks
to do their cooking, then she's actually not obligated to cook.
I hate mentioning this, because that's not how marriage works.
You want to fulfill just the bare bones of marriage. It's very, in
fact, you know what the scholars say? They say you have to provide
her food, clothing and shelter, right? They say you don't have to
provide her medicine.
But that's because of the that's because of the customer of their
time. Our customers are slightly different. Right?
Do you have to pay her mobile phone?
These questions are going to come up, it's going to be ridiculous.
That's why we make sure we're fully fulfilling the PMP a man and
make sure you fulfill those obligations. Right? I really get
really angry when I hear questions like one woman called me her
husband is forcing her to go to work. She's a Nickleby. Right?
She's an Kabhi Kabhi.
Just joking. She's a Nickleby.
And he said, He's forcing me to go to work. I said, why? He said,
Because he says he can't find a job where there's no mixing.
Mashallah,
right? That's really cool. That's really good, Mashallah.
Don't be a loser, man.
Don't be a loser, be a man.
And then he's probably going to say want to get married to to.
Only, only proper men can do that.
Proper men can do that.
And unfortunately, not everybody is a proper man. That's the
problem. There's only two, but this is essentially what the
Hanafi mother says, this is as simple as that. So as long as
you're fulfilling that, but you have to go, you need a love bank
account.
Right? Every married couple need a love bank account. Right? And
they're very easy to set up. Right? How many of you have a love
bank account?
How many of you have Starling bank account? Or a Munzo. And you don't
have a love bank account? I mean, it's so so easy to sign up. It's
easier than getting a starting account.
And it's very, very useful. So what is a love bank account?
Everything you do over and above what is expected? What is the norm
you're depositing into the love bank account? So for example, I
actually make my wife's tea both times of the day. Not not not this
one? Because she doesn't like this, right? It's the only little
thing I do. So you know, hamdulillah at least I do that
much.
So if I do something more than that, like, I don't buy flowers on
time, if I went and bought some flowers to her, how is she going
to feel? It's going to feel really good, right? What I've just done
is deposited into our love bank account. She's, I've just put a
balance in.
So when you start doing that, she would when I come she said, look,
what do you call it? I'm gonna make you know this, I made this
specially for you. And I know that it's difficult for her to make,
for example, but she went out of her way to make it How am I going
to feel? I'm going to feel good, right? So she's just deposited
into the love bank account. Now what happens is, let's just say
that this couple the next day or the day after they have a little
misunderstanding shaytaan comes into the picture immediately and
tries to aggravate that and make it worse than it is, oh, he hates
you, he's probably got somebody else or she's doing this. So she's
doing that these are all the weird ideas that come into your mind.
However, if we've got a love bank balance is gonna give her security
that No, he can't hate me that much. He just bought me some
flowers the other day. She just made my special meal the other day
do you understand? So, you will deplete from that you will take
from that love bank account when you have these issues and you need
this. Now, when I mentioned this in one place, you have to be
careful with the flowers. Okay? The guy who said shift you know,
after the lecture you said I bought my wife flowers and she got
very angry.
said okay now I know why I kind of had an idea. Tell me what did you
do? She likes her flowers. She knows her flowers and I went and
bought some
and then on offer flowers. I don't know what they were right. And
she's like, what you bought me these kinds of flowers.
You understand? So if you're going to buy flowers could search so
much could carry them right
Now, if you hear this and like every Friday now you go to disco
and you know you buy the same old flowers every she's gonna get
bored of that. That's not gonna give any insight. Yeah, that's all
you know, you got no thoughts do COVID Me? Right? Good so much
Danny, you know, if she likes flowers, if she hates flowers, no
point buying your flowers, okay? Buy some chocolates, you know,
some good chocolates or something. So if you buy the same old
flowers, it's not going to do it as it. It's the thought that goes
in. It's an idea. It's a gift has to be a surprise. I'm not, let's
not fixate on flowers, okay. It could be anything. It could be
anything else. Right? It could be anything else.
I'll take the kids today. You do it all the time. I'll take them
today. Something like that. Whatever it is. Keep adding to
that. And remember, a constant supply of deposit into the bank
balance is better than trying to do a lot one day and then I've
done loads, right? Any dentist here.
Anybody who is a dentist, so I've got to call your dentist. So let's
just say that you know, every day you get up late in the morning,
you still have to brush your teeth right for two minutes. And
somebody's get frustrated. He says you know what, on Sunday I've got
time I'm going to do it for half an hour. So I don't have to do it
in the week type
is that that's harmful right? Half an hour brushing bang bang bang
you know he's gonna miss his gumbo so not that it's gonna mess it up
here but a constant amount of cleansing you know constant amount
of deposit is what works very well. That will safeguard you the
next time something goes wrong you will you already like made some
amends for it. It helps a lot that was the bank balance.
Okay brothers and sisters Jazak Allahu Allah Tala improve our
marriages. Allah improve our relationships, Allah improve our
cell because a HELOC ultimately, what does all this go back to
o'clock? Just Muslim character if you have good Muslim character,
and a bit savviness and empathy for the other person and wanting
to do good for the other person, you will be successful Inshallah,
right through that 100. Allah, Allah blesses the point of a
lecture is to encourage people to act to get further an inspiration,
and encouragement, persuasion. The next step is to actually start
learning seriously to read books to take on a subject of Islam and
to understand all the subjects of Islam at least at the basic level,
so that we can become more aware of what our Dean wants from us.
And that's why we started Rayyan courses, so that you can actually
take organize lectures on demand whenever you have free time,
especially for example, the Islamic essentials course that we
have on there, the Islamic essentials certificate, which you
take 20 Short modules, and at the end of that inshallah you will
have gotten the basics of most of the most important topics in Islam
and you'll feel a lot more confident. You don't have to leave
lectures behind you can continue to live, you know, to listen to
lectures, but you need to have this more sustained study as well.
Jessica law here in Santa Monica when I have to lie over a card