Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 7 Tips for Improving Your Relationship Your Husband
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Smilla Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu
was Salam ala UD Mursaleen. When he saw me he was seldom at the
Sleeman. Cathy Ron Ely. Yomi Dean Ebert
call Allah with the baraka with Derrida Foucault animoji, they
will for COVID Hamid Hoon, the reversal likoma Entamoeba, Salah,
Hoon Sadhak, Allahu La him. So today since we have a program
specially for women, it's probably the most appropriate. And I've
been obviously requested to speak about living with the spouse, I've
got a book coming out which Al Hamdulillah finding has gone to
press is called a handbook of a healthy Muslim marriage, which
pretty much discusses everything from the importance of marriage to
how to find a partner how to find the spouse in the best possible
way to dealing with in laws, when children come in. And then
obviously, the husband wife relationship itself, and then it
goes all the way to discussions on intimacy discussions, and then
even a chapter on divorce because I think that's very important. And
then it has a very special chapter at the end. Because husband, and
husbands and wives are going to be the couple who will be in paradise
together, in person will obviously be able to meet their parents or
children, but the two that will actually stay together will be
husband and wife. So this is a very, very special relationship.
Since I'm speaking to women today only, and there's no there's
hardly any men here, I think it's probably best that I speak about
speak directly to the women about maybe what husbands need to
improve the relationship. Now, some of these things we work out
for ourself, in each one of our marriages have remarried, there
are certain things that you discover, just through experience,
some things you may have discovered just through observing
other married couples, like our own parents, or maybe our older
brothers or sisters, or others who have been married before us have
friends whose you know, we had some information about. And then
of course, when you have your own relationship, there are certain
things you work out about your husband, and husbands will work
about about the wife that she likes this, she doesn't like this,
this really, really upsets. And this doesn't, I know that. I mean,
you will even learn things about ourselves, or we should, because
if we're going to completely ignore ourselves, and we're just
talking about the other person, that's going to be very
complicated. So it's actually best that we learn about ourselves as
well as what is it that I do that makes him very happy? And what is
it that I do that makes him very, very angry. And so we can adjust
our behavior, because to be honest, the best marriage is the
one that's based on the best character. And that's what the
professor Larson said. He says that I am the best to my wives. I
am the he says the best of you to your wife is the one with the best
character. And I'm the one who is best to my wives. And he had more
than wife, one one wife at one time. So for him to have juggled
all of that, and still to have maintain good character shows that
the actual basis of this is the good character, which obviously,
was on the highest sublime level of character. So today, what I've
got is I've got about seven points that I've that that's actually in
the book as well, which we've isolated, which we've compiled
together based on, obviously, personal experience, and
discussions with others. And just experience over the years in
counseling couples. They say that one of the first and most
important and that this wouldn't be able to, I'm gonna mention five
or six or seven of these quickly, the first and probably most
important thing that a husband wants from his wife is probably
respect. Now, don't have any knee jerk reactions to this because
sometimes what happens is that oh, but then I need respect from him.
Right? We're not talking to him right now. He's not listening.
This is a topic just for the women today. And that's why whenever I
speak directly to men, I will tell them to make 70% of the sacrifice.
And when I talk directly to women, then I tell them to make 70% of
the sacrifice. So that basically the two can come together. Now. If
I if I tell if I tell each couple just to make a bit of sacrifice,
then people end up not making much sacrifice when you send to do most
of the sacrifice and even if they do half of that they've gone
really far. So that's why don't see this as bias. Because if I was
speaking to the husband, I'd speak totally in a different way. But
anyway, respect is probably one of the first and most important
characteristics, important behavioral points, important
attitudes that one needs. So
according to some is probably is the most important. So for a
marriage to function, he probably needs this more than even love,
respect, and probably even one. But obviously, love and respect
generally come together, that one of the reasons for this is that
generally for husband to take on the financial burden of the
family, and to basically also be responsible to for its spiritual
and worldly success, because the husband is responsible in some
way, talking from the Islamic parent, Dr. Barrett paradigm of
the husband being the head of the household in that sense, which
doesn't necessarily make him a dictator, it just means that he
has to just coordinate things. So in terms of that, he has to be
successful in that. And if you're not, if you're not, if you don't
have respect for the one who's supposed to be steering the ship,
and guiding the ship, then that just leads to a disaster at sea.
So he needs a wife, basically, who's going to be very supportive,
who respects his role as the so called, you know, head of the
family, not somebody who, he doesn't want somebody who's going
to constantly undermine him or doubt his capabilities. Now, yes,
you may have husbands who don't have too much capability, right?
Those are special circumstances that we're we need to try to
correct that. But in general, by showing this by showing this kind
of respect, you're only going to increase the love, Inshallah, love
has to be earned. It's not something you gain over, you know,
overnight, it has to be something that's earned and by giving
respect, Inshallah, that would be massive. Basically, if you treat
him like a king, he's going to treat you like a queen. That
sounds a bit cheesy, but maybe, that there's some sense in them.
And maybe that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,
based on this hierarchy, he said, in a hadith who doubted me the, if
I were to command anybody to prostrate for anyone, I would have
commanded women to prostrate before their husbands, because of
the right Allah has granted husbands over their wives. But but
he has not commanded that. So you do not do that. But he just said
that, hypothetically, that if that was the case, then that's what I
would have done. So respect is extremely important.
Right? Number two, is a very simple idea is B, a woman. That's
the second advice, be a woman. Basically, a wife should be
feminine. That's what should create the attraction. Because the
whole idea of a man and woman coming together how Allah subhanaw
taala is placed that together is that a man feels attracted to the
woman woman feel attracted to the man, the man must act masculine.
And that's what I would say to men, but the women must act
feminine.
That's your role. If you want your husband to be chivalrous, right?
If you want your husband to be chivalrous, masculine, then you
need to provide the feminine complements in a manner right. A
successful marriage generally comes about when spouses
appreciate the differences between them like that, and they fulfill
their respective roles. So if the man is acting in an effeminate
way, and a woman is trying to act more in the manly way, then that's
going to be complicated. Now, it's obviously true that opposites
attract. And the husband should generally be attracted and drawn
to femininity. Right? So what does it mean then to act feminine. So
in that sense, there's a number of things, this includes you making
an effort to maintain a healthy body, right, which he should do as
well, and your physical attractiveness, because that's a
massive thing for, for men. It's a massive idea, physical
attractiveness, because you have to remember that your husband is
going to face huge amount of temptations outside the house on a
daily basis, maybe at work, maybe even traveling and commuting to
work. And in other places, even just going to the masjid, on the
way, there's a huge amount of temptation. And basically, he's
going to really appreciate it. If you keep up your appearance,
whether that be by maintaining your personal hygiene, exercising
a dressing well, for him, basically wearing makeup or
perfume, doing up your hair, of course, if he likes the kind of
perfume or if he likes you to make up in that certain way. Right?
Not just for others, you don't do this for others. You don't do this
when you go out. You do this for him, I mean, primarily for him. So
it's actually sometimes the act of making the effort that counts when
they when somebody can see that. Not that you try to make yourself
more beautiful than anybody else is not a competition. You can't
compete with everybody out there. But because your husband has
invested in you, you are his. You have a lot going for you as long
as you do your part to the best of your ability.
Right many women describe this phenomenon of especially though
To cover hijab in neglect as such, where sisters, such sisters may
make less effort on their physical appearance when they start wearing
hijab
as because they don't so called show off in public, public as
such. Now in that sense, just because your hijab in a club, it
doesn't mean that you don't make an effort for him, your husband is
probably going to feel very deflated, if he comes home to see
you in a sleeping gown or pajamas, right at the end of the day, day
after day, right where when you go for a wedding or some other
function, then you all dress up for him, you dress up for them. So
take care of yourself. And basically, first take care of
yourself for yourself, not necessarily for him. Because to
maintain your own self confidence is a massive issue, because that
will just make you way more confident, and all around it for
everybody else.
Then make them primary person you make an effort for for your
husband. But obviously in this, you have to be conscious of your
husband's preferences, just because another type of makeup is
trending at that time, right or your friend like something or you
like something on somebody else, it doesn't mean he's going to like
it. Because obviously, if you're doing it for him, then do it so
that it's appropriate for him. So you know, because you may spend a
huge amount of time during one of these eyes and all the rest of it,
and then he comes home and he doesn't like it doesn't show any
appreciation for it.
Right. So that was number two. Number three is, so number one was
respect. Number two was be a woman. And number three is express
your feelings and need very clearly. And effectively. A lot of
the time, women think that the husband should just understand.
And this happens with other people as well. Sometimes, you know, just
generally speaking, men can be very simple in the way they think
about certain things in a very black and white very without
nuance sometimes, right? While you may think that something is very
obvious, your husband may have no idea what you're thinking. Right?
It can happen between anybody can happen between you and your
mother, you and your father, it can happen between anybody. And
this is not necessarily because he's inconsiderate. But maybe
you're just thinking on totally different wavelengths, it may take
time for you both to come on the same wavelength that you both have
to try.
Hopefully, the longer you live with him, the more you will both
learn about the way both of you think, right, but learning all
this takes time, right. So until the day comes when you can
actually read each other's minds, you should be very clear in
expressing to your spouse.
Your perspective without making any assumptions that oh, he's
already he should know this or he should know that just be clear
about it's better to avoid a problem by thinking he should know
than to actually just clearly explain them.
Because sometimes wives can expect expect to expect things without
communicating them. So best to avoid the misunderstanding. Just
be clear, be direct, don't just drop hints and then get angry. If
your husband just doesn't get it like he doesn't get it never gets
it. Hints are not a good idea.
So if he's not getting the hint, then give him the benefit of the
doubt.
So that was
be effective and be open about your feelings
and clear in your articulation. Number three. So number four now
is give him his space. Everybody needs space. One of the major
complaints
of format many women is that when the husband comes home from work,
he doesn't want to speak. He just comes plopped himself down, either
on the bed on the sofa, couch, whatever. And he watches TV
watches the football game is on his phone or doing something just
going through some YouTube videos or WhatsApp chats seems mundane.
And it may be mundane to be honest. But what you have to
understand is that a lot of men are just like that when they've
had a lot of activity outside like working right, which is the it
wasn't amusement, they weren't working, they came back this one
relax, just kind of just relax and just acclimate first. So this is
apparently just men, right? And sometimes your husband will need
that silence especially after a long day of work. So just let him
have time to himself collect his thoughts and relax alone. And in
many relationship advice books actually, I think they call that
the cave. Right that he's gone into his cave. And this isn't
necessarily because he doesn't like spending time I mean, some
husbands are like that they just talk to the board and they don't
like but I'm talking about inshallah the majority.
So unless there's bigger issues, right, unless there's bigger
issues he's dealing with, or a problem in the relationship, he
should eventually emerge from his cave anyway. Inshallah, in that
time, just try to occupy yourself with something else. Don't
feel bad, just give him some time. Go and make a phone call to your
mother gone, you know, they do something else that you can you
know that you can do. And that will inshallah give him some time
and then hopefully that you can speak. I know with all of these,
there are exceptional circumstances, I know some of you
are thinking, but he doesn't even speak after an hour, he just stays
all night.
I go to bed, and he's still talking about other stuff, and so
on and so forth. Right? Those are exceptional cases. Number five,
then is speak to him about his problems when you got when he's
got problems, and you want to communicate, speak to him about
the problems, not to others. That's number five golden rule.
Don't speak to others first speak to him. Right? This is a causes a
massive failing in relationships, where a wife just basically starts
giving a running commentary to her friends, her mother, sisters, or
even a like a family group or something. Right, and even to
their children, which is probably the worst thing. What you have to
understand is that if you can't deal with the issue, how do you
expect somebody else to deal with the issue who doesn't even have
that relationship with them? Everybody's got a unique relation.
Yes, there are some commonalities. Some people can advise you in
general. But really, it's best that you try to deal with it and
put your mind to it rather than outsourcing that information right
from the beginning.
Of course, you can ask for sincere advice from people, too, if you're
if it's something that you're completely unable to resolve,
you've tried everything you've made dua, etc. And if specially if
it's abusive relationships, then you probably want to get somebody
else involved. Because those are very difficult dealing with
yourself by yourself. But the habits of some wives when they
just go on complaining, right about their husbands is pretty
much nothing but backbiting, because they don't get anything
out of it. And other people are just getting a good saga another
another soap opera basically sometimes.
Right? They have enough out there, you don't need to give them
another one. Number six is, I mean, we can discuss all of these
in more depth. But I'm just quickly giving a few points.
Number six is moving on to another point is Be considerate and
moderate in your expected expectations.
As he maybe you've just got a massive expectation, maybe your
father was so much better, right? Maybe your brother is such a
better person, maybe your sister's husband does this and does that.
So expectations, right?
You have to remember that your husband is supposed to bear a big
burden for the family and steer the course of the family and
fulfill the obligations, he is the one who's responsible for the
daily bread, putting food on the table, and secure the finances for
the future as well and the general tarbiyah. And that is sometimes
more than enough to keep any man awake at night, if it's if his
situation finances situation is not going well. Right? Sometimes
To be honest, you may be dealing with a very particular situation
where it's a very difficult situation, Something's just not
going right at your job or at the husband's job or something that's
just gonna turn the whole mood off. Now you can't react in that
time to also make it worse. And you need to try to at least uplift
in that sense of that at least there's some sanity left.
So don't add to that burden as far as possible.
What you have to remember sometimes is that wives loves get
love gifts, but gifts should not be an expectation. They should be
a surprise, right? It's nicer when you get a gift as a surprise, the
expectation is that oh, I know he's gonna buy me something every
week you bring me flowers every day, or every week, on every
Fridays, I've got flowers. Sometimes that gets boring,
because the element of surprise is not there. Right? Especially when
you know what is going to buy you anyway, as a matter of ritual.
If I should spend sensibly, then there's the issue of spending the
husband's money sense of and a lot of women have their own money
these days. So that's a bit of a different different equation. But
the idea here is that a way she spent sensibly the money husband
provides her for running the house. Right? Don't expect your
husband to be like a superhero like somebody else's husband, as I
mentioned earlier.
When you look at other people with a better standard of living a
bigger house, nicer furniture, and feel bad that your husband does
not earn as much as such and such a person, then this could be
actually the sign of discontent with Allah subhanaw taala. Right,
you got your situation. And unless of course, your husband's totally
lazy, really everybody would say that, not just using that, then
then otherwise be content with what you have and Allah will give
you satisfaction. And at the end of the day, it really depends on
who you sit with. Recently, my phone had a problem. And it was
going to get fixed. It was going to take some time though. So I sat
with one group of people very knowledgeable people as well and
they were like laughing at me like just get a new phone. You've got a
like an old phone that's four years old. Just get a new phone
and I'm saying this is a perfectly
decent phone, still working, it just needs a replacement of the
screen. That's it, right? And I can buy a new phone. But the thing
is that I just don't see why we need to add to the land waste and
do that kind of stuff. So they were like, no, no, just get a new
phone, don't why you're doing this way, don't be fast, etc, etc. So
that made me actually have changed my mind. Then I went set with
another group of people, again, another group of learned people,
right, my students, and they were like, Why do you want to? And I
told her, I was thinking of buying a new phone. And they're like, why
would you want to buy a new phone? And this is gonna get fixed
anyway. And you got another one to, to use in the meet in the
meantime, like, why you wasting your money for? So I've got two
different perspectives, right? Both influenced me in different
ways we get influenced by what people say, first group is telling
me no, you should buy a new one. So I was like, okay, maybe I
should buy a new one. And then the second group is telling me no, you
shouldn't buy a new one, this one works. So can you see you've got
two different ideas. So at the end of the day, I let my wife make the
decision. So Alhamdulillah, I let my wife make the decision for me,
and inshallah it's turned out to be the best anyway. So if you're
going to make comparisons to other people's husbands or other
standards of living, that's going to be a massive blow to his self
confidence and your satisfaction. So what's the point? Show your
husband that you appreciate his efforts, and avoid creating
further problems by being too demanding, if that's what your
problem is, we're not saying that every woman has these problems,
this is just a variety of ideas that generally cause problems.
Okay, number seven, is then the advice of roll with the changes be
flexible, right? A woman's life involves many significant changes
anyway, to start, she probably makes more changes than the
husband does. Right, she's got a lot more sacrifice to make, to be
honest, coming from Jerry, her family having to live within the
husband's family, they become sometimes the primary family
someday, especially if you're going to another town, typically,
she's going to move house right from where she used to live, where
all her friends are, where everything familiar to her is
found and she moved somewhere else.
Different part of the country, maybe a different, maybe even
abroad different country. So she's dealing with a new setup, new
life, new family members, she has to get to know them, she has to
understand them, she has to get along with them. And that
sometimes disasters are very difficult. So she's gonna have to
be prepared, she's, it's good to know that that's the case, I
really in these words, is good to know that
a lot of women know they might, they're going to have to go to a
new situation, but then to understand that it's a numerous
things are involved in that process, then they can be more
mentally, inshallah flexible in that sense. So she should
understand the way she goes, it's not going to be similar to the way
she was brought up. Right food is going to be different procedures
are going to be different behaviors, expectations, and so on
and so forth. Some things will be better, but other things may be
worse in your comparison. In fact, she may then have to continue
moving, if the husband has such work that requires him to move to
different places with his work, for example, right, unless you
made an agreement, I'm never going to move, you know, that's a whole
separate issue, then you find somebody like that, but sometimes
you just have to move,
then after that, you're going to become a mother, Inshallah, that's
going to create a big difference in your life, you're going to have
to be flexible. And if you know yourself to be inflexible, then
you've got quite a bit of difficulty ahead unless you change
that perspective. So the other thing in general is that human
beings change over time. So both spouses, you and your husband are
going to be changing over time, in age, obviously, in strength, in
temperament in weight. And of course, youth, they say that
people undergo massive changes every 10 years. So from one, you
know, from 20, to 30, you would have changed massively from 30 to
40, or a change massively. Like I know this from myself as well, but
this is what the studies on the brain show anyway. Right? The way
the brain is configured totally changes in 10 years because we do
so many different things.
Some couples
so basically, couples should
embrace these changes, dealing with these changes utmost love and
mercy knowing that you know, when there's going to be changed and
you need to have more compassion, tolerance, mercy, just in general
be kind about it and understanding of one another.
A woman in particular should appreciate that her life is
obviously going to be bound to be constantly full of change. And she
should embrace this embrace this because at the end of the day,
when it will be in paradise when life will not change and it will
be perpetual bliss forever. Right
But this life is temporary, the perfect life is going to be in
paradise. So we have to work with the changes. So that's basically
rolling with the changes. And those were the seven advices that
I'd like to mention at this point. So again, just to clarify, just to
quickly mention them,
going backwards, roll with the changes, be flexible, basically,
number six was Be considerate and moderate in your expectations.
Number five, was speak to him about the problems, not to
everybody else.
And Number Number four was, give him his space sometimes, right.
And number three, express your feelings and needs clearly, don't
just expect him that he better know he should know he should
understand. Just communicate it. And even if you told him 10 times,
right, number number two be a woman. So I've explained what that
entailed. And number one was respect. So hopefully that's
useful again, some of these are obviously more important than
others. Some of these would be a challenge for you other things,
mashallah you will be scoring top marks on them. We pray to Allah
subhanaw taala that Allah facilitate this for us, Allah make
this
beneficial blessing for us in this relationship, because this is
probably the most important relationship that you will have,
because there's so much that is dependent on it. And you need to
make it work because it means it's going to affect the next
generation of children, your children, and it affects the
community as a whole. A man who's happy at home, generally speaking,
can deal with a lot of the difficulties outside because
that's the way humans have been made by Allah. That's why the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam had these amazing wives that would
give him that kind of solace and peace starting with Khadija the
Allah Juana at the most important times, managed to just make him
reassure him, give him confidence, give him
a lot of a lot of encouragement basically. And that helps usually
because of the relationship a very special relationship that humans
have with with their husbands and wives. So we ask Allah to really
make it a blessed one for us. That's why all the doors related
to marriage is about Barack Allah Akbar colleague which Mr. Boehner
co Murphy hide but anyway, just like a law here, Baraka law he can
I'll take some questions inshallah.