Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 7 Advices for Wives

Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera
AI: Summary ©
The importance of respect in relationships is discussed, emphasizing the need for a woman's role as the leader and the need for manners and feminine behavior. The speaker advises being clear about one's feelings and needs to avoid being a man. The negative impact of giving advice to someone who is already depressed is discussed, and the importance of letting people know how to express themselves is emphasized. gifts should be a pleasant surprise, not just a surprise, and measured by how the friend's friendships are.
AI: Transcript ©
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Now let's look at it the other way. These are the advices, to

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sisters, for the you know how to develop a better relationship and

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fulfill the rights of the husband. The first one

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is Respect, respect.

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And

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a marriage cannot last, if the wife doesn't give respect to a

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husband.

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That's a very difficult. It's a very difficult scenario, because

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in the hierarchy of Islam in a family hierarchy with a man is

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supposed to be the responsible one, anybody who's responsible

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must be given respect. Of course, she needs respect as well. But if

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she doesn't give her husband respect and looks down upon him,

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that whole system is turned upside down.

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It is, according to some if it's not the most important, then it is

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one of the most important

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for a marriage to function. He needs this from you as wives,

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maybe even more than love.

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To take on the financial burden of the family, and to bear the

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responsibility for his spiritual and worldly success, that's a big

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task, a big job for the husband, he needs his wife, obviously, to

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be supportive and respect his role as the leader of the family that

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the city has given him, not somebody who constantly undermines

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him, and doubts his capability. Now, by showing this respect, you

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increase his love for you.

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If you treat him like a king, then he's going to treat you like a

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queen, hopefully, sha Allah. And maybe this is why the Prophet

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made a statement, which is very difficult

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for a lot of people to understand and accept. But he said, If I were

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to command anybody to prostrate to anybody makes sense that for

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anybody, I would have commanded women to prostrate before their

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husbands. Because of the rights Allah has granted husbands over

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their wives. Right, Heidi's ready to buy without Telemedia and so

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on. But obviously, we don't prostrate in front of anybody,

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except Allah. So that's the first point which is showing respect.

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Number two,

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just like we said, to a man that bmm so here, be a woman.

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Be a woman, your role is to be a woman, not be a man.

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Doesn't matter what anybody tells you. A wife should be feminine.

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If you want your husband to be chivalrous and masculine, than you

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need to act in a feminine manner,

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a successful marriage comes about when spouses appreciate their

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differences. And each fulfills their role.

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It's true that the opposite is also true that opposites attract,

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and your husband is going to be drawn to femininity.

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If there's women who are trying to act like men, right, whether they

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dress like men, or whether they're trying to take the roles generally

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of men, it loses the femininity, what they are all about.

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This includes you making an effort to maintain a healthy body and

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physical attractiveness. Your husband is going to face a lot of

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temptations outside the home on a daily basis, the fitness outside,

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right.

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And he'll appreciate you keeping up your appearance. You know,

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whether that be maintaining maintaining your personal hygiene,

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exercising, dressing, well wearing makeup, perfume, even at home, and

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doing up your hair. It is the act of making the effort, you know, to

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show that you're at least making an effort that counts. Not that

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you are the more you are the most beautiful person has ever seen.

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You know, you may never be the most beautiful person who's ever

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seen because there's a lot of beauty that always you know,

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people and how people react to beauty and what they consider

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beauty. very subjective anyway, that's not what you want to be.

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You want to show that you're making an effort as his wife.

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That's what's important.

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That's why there's many women, they describe this phenomenon as

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hijab neglect, where those sisters who don't who wear a hijab, they

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make less effort on their physical appearance when they start wearing

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hijab, because they don't want to show off in public, which is fine

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for the public. But your husband will feel deflated if he comes

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home to see you in your sleeping gown. Or your pajamas day after

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day, while you go out all dressed up for a wedding. So when you're

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going out, you take an hour to dress up. But when he comes home,

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it's all messed up. In fact, what I see as a massive dichotomy is

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that what do you think are the most productive hours of your day?

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When what hours are the most productive hours of your day? For

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most people, isn't it from a

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after you wake up like eight to nine o'clock until you know that

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that time, now the husband and wife are both working separately

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in different places mixed environments, the husband is going

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to have his most fresh and his most vital time and the wife, same

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thing, all dressed up, etc. Working very closely with people

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on projects, sharing a lot of emotion sharing a lot of

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experiences, failures, successes, that makes that creates a bond

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with people, then they come home and they're both tired, right?

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And they're too tired for anything.

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Then what happens a lot of the time is that obviously shaytan is

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there and you start feeling attracted to other people. And

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that's how marriages break up a lot of the time, because of the

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unhealthy environments that we work in.

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So if you're forced to work, especially for women, if you're

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forced to work,

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you know, it's, it's a big challenge. It's a big challenge.

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So be conscious, also be conscious of your spouse's preferences. Some

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spouses, some husbands may not fancy certain types of makeup or

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any at all. So it's not worth putting it on for them, because

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you'll be wasting your time. And then when you don't get

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appreciated, you're gonna feel deflated. So understand your

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husband. Number three. So the second one was be a woman play

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your role as a woman, right, and what a man would expect from a

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woman.

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Number Number three is express your feelings and needs clearly

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and effectively.

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This ties in with some of the stuff we've already said, Men can

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be very simple in the way they think about certain things that

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they don't think of things in a very complicated way, right

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sometimes. And while you may think that something is blaringly,

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obvious, like it's so obvious, he's doing this, your husband may

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not have any idea what you're thinking that what he said or what

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he did, or he forgot to bring something and it made you feel so

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hurt. He doesn't even get it. And you're you know, some make things

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very clear. This is not because he's inconsiderate. But because

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you are thinking on a completely different wavelength. The longer

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you live with a person, the more likely you're going to learn about

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the way they think anyway. But we're always learning Remember,

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we're always going to be learning. And this process can take some

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time sometimes, until until the day comes.

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When you can, in you're both able to read minds, like you can read

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his mind and he can read your mind, you should be clear in

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expressing your perspective without making assumptions.

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This is a really big nasiha this is a really big advice. Many women

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appreciate this advice on they get it because they always think that

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he should know. But he doesn't say how long you're going to cry for.

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Make it clear

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why he can tend to expect things without communicating them. Like

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subliminally, you better understand the vibes I'm sending

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you.

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But sometimes men don't get it. So to avoid any misunderstanding, you

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should be clear about what you want.

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Don't just drop hints.

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And then get angry if your husband doesn't get it.

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If he's not getting something, always try to give him the benefit

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of the doubt. And then try to clarify what you want.

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That number four, so that was number three, right?

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Communicating. Number four is give him his space.

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Give him his space. What do we mean by that? One of the

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complaints of many women, right is that when a husband comes home

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from work, sometimes

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he comes in, he doesn't want to speak he just lies down, or he

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starts watching something, or watching the match or the soccer

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whatever it is, or he's on his phone or something like that and

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does not want to communicate.

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Sometimes it's just men, they just want some time.

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Right? Don't expect that they're going to hold a big conversation

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with you as soon as they've come back. Maybe there's had a bad time

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in traffic was a bad day at work or whatever the case is.

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He just needs some time to himself collecting his thoughts and relax

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alone.

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Some relationship books call this the cave entering the cave that

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some husbands just like to enter their K for a while.

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This isn't because he doesn't like the wife or he's met somebody else

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or he's interested in somebody else.

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It's just sometimes the husband's nature. So unless there's a bigger

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problem, he should he will emerge from his cave eventually and be

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given 10 minutes 15 minutes asking for a cup of tea or something you

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know, he will come out eventually.

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I won't face this situation should just understand that the silence

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is you know, he's just needs that time. Maybe at that time, you can

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just call your mother or call just catch up with something else or

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call up a friend if you need somebody to talk to at that time.

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That was number four. Number five is speak to your husband about his

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problems.

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Don't speak to others and not your husband. This is one massive

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mistake people make.

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They literally feed a commentary of their marital lives to their

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mothers.

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And their mothers sometimes act as remote controls.

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Okay, you do this, you say this. But what the mother doesn't

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understand is that her relationship with her husband, the

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father, is very different to her daughter's ration with a husband.

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You can't remote control and do what you did with your husband to

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your daughter, you're gonna mess up the marriage.

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So do not feed. There's some people who feed to their friends,

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all the issues that are going on in their marriage, their friends

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on WhatsApp, group two, three people are getting a whole soap

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opera. It's like a soap opera drama. That's very different,

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because they'll give you advice. And sometimes they're very

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inexperienced, they can't give you advice.

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Especially the worst people that you can consult, I'll tell you

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this by experience, the worst people you can consult about your

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own problems is other people who are having problems. They're

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already depressed, and they'll make you depressed, even if you're

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not depressed. In fact, they even make healthy people depressed by

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telling you their story.

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Don't ever, ever tell your problems to a depressed person, or

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person who's already going through rounds, because believe me, they

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will mess it up for you. They're not the healthiest people to tell.

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So talking to friends, parents, even their children about issues

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that they have with their husband is not always the best. Sometimes

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you do need help. You can't suffer in silence. Sometimes you do need

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it when you've tried everything. But otherwise, right? The one

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who's in the relationship, they if you can't deal with it, how can

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outside people help you in your relationship when you yourself

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can't help?

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Unless you want them to break your relationship, then they can help

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you do that.

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Unless it's very necessary. You can of course, you know, ask for

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sincere advice. If you're dealing with a big problem that you've

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been unable to slow solve yourself or with your husband, or abusive

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situation, then you need help. Because then husband is abusive,

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then you need you need to take it seriously. Take it take it to the

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authorities.

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But that habit of some wives complaining about their husbands

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when there's no benefit or need to it's just plain backbiting.

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There's no justification.

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There's enough soap operas out there, there's already enough

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dramas out there, we don't need another one.

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In fact, spouses have rights over you to keep their secrets.

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And you can't divulge their secrets. It's bad to do that.

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I mean, imagine when your husband finds out

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because his friend whose wife is your wife's friend, she told she

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she told him and he didn't want anybody else to know. And it's

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something they could have sorted out.

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Really negative number six, right? So number five was Don't tell

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everybody about your husband, talk to your husband.

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Number six, be considerate and moderate in your expectations. Be

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considerate and moderate in your expectations. Your husband has a

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huge burden, which is the financial burden obligation

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towards the family. And not only does he have to provide the bread

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for today, but he has to obviously think about the financial future

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as well. So in that sometimes, you know they have, they could keep

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them awake at night, thinking about these things. May Allah make

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it easy. So don't add to the burden by expecting things from

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him that are beyond his ability just because your friend received

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a Mercedes SUV, or a Louis Vuitton bag or you know, something special

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or whatever, that my husband, he doesn't bring me that. But he

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loves you otherwise, but he doesn't bring you a gift. So you

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start measuring him by how your friend has received things.

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Don't expect your spouse to be a superhero.

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Right? Or be like somebody else's husband.

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Don't get so infatuated with somebody else's husband that you

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and your husband to be like them.

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You have to remember like gifts should be a pleasant surprise, not

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an expectation. Every week, you must buy me a gift.

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I mean, what's the whole point of a gift is the surprise element.

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Otherwise, you know that somebody's going to bring you a

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gift, the surprise is gone. You don't even enjoy it as much.

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One of the biggest elements of a gift is the surprise element.

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So anyway,

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when you look to other people who have maybe a better standard of

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living, bigger house, nicer furniture, better car better,

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whatever, and you feel your husband doesn't earn as much

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right as such and such a person then that is just a sign that you

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are not content with what Allah has given you. So it's a

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discontentment from Allah. That's that's bad.

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And when you start making comparisons to other people's

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husbands and standards of living that

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would be a huge blow to his self confidence, then it messes up your

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relationship, it's not going to make it better.

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Show your husband that you do appreciate his efforts, and avoid

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creating problems or being too demanding. Now I know in all of

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these, there's going to be exceptional cases of negativity, I

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understand that. But these are the general things that we need to

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observe. And number seven is roll with the changes. What that means

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is that a woman's life involves involves many significant changes

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herself, you know, for example, she has to make major sacrifices,

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she's going to move over from a husband from her family house, to

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either the husband's house or to a new house, maybe most likely, in

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the husband's parents area. Because generally women go to the

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husband's place, generally speaking, it's a big sacrifice.

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She may even have to move to different parts of the country, or

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even abroad because of the husband's job or career. Right,

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he's been sent somewhere else. So she will have something like a new

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life to set up a new home, new family members, in fact, so she

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has to go through a lot, she's gonna have to be very flexible.

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And Allah has given you that ability to do that.

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So she should be prepared to accept her situation.

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And strive to be open and flexible about it. And you know, she may

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have to even keep moving due to the husband's work. I mean, if

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that's something you don't want to do from before, then you need to

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make sure that you have this from before you get married, that look,

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I want somebody who's going to be here and not moving around.

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There's also going to be maybe times of financial hardship, he

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may lose his job, right? Or maybe a big bill comes in or maybe you

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have to buy a house or something like that. both spouses will also

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change over time. As I mentioned, spouses change over time in age

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obviously, in strength, temperament, weight, youth,

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children.

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So life is temporary after all,

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and

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the perfect home that you will have Inshallah, one day we'll be

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in paradise.

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The whole definition of Paradise

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is a place with your spouse. Do you know that? What is paradise

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without a spouse

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were equally mean who Mazel Jetta,

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every body is going to have a spouse,

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spouse, there's the prophets, Allah some said in a hadith Marfil

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Jannetty.

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There is no single person in paradise.

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There is no single Bachelor in Paradise. If somebody doesn't have

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a husband in this world or a wife in this world, then they will get

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to marry others who are of a similar state in this world, they

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will get to marry those in paradise.

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You will have a spouse that you will be content with in paradise.

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And you won't be living with your father, mother children, you will

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be living with your spouse.

00:18:04 --> 00:18:08

So having a spousal relationship in this world,

00:18:10 --> 00:18:11

being

00:18:12 --> 00:18:13

what you call

00:18:15 --> 00:18:17

not just having a spousal relationship, but being faithful

00:18:17 --> 00:18:18

to your spouse

00:18:20 --> 00:18:27

is considered to be so innate. And so needed so necessary that look,

00:18:27 --> 00:18:28

I'll give you a comparison.

00:18:30 --> 00:18:34

Polygamy is not most people don't do polygamy. Alright, most people

00:18:34 --> 00:18:35

don't do polygamy.

00:18:36 --> 00:18:40

But the West in America in the US people actually warming to the

00:18:40 --> 00:18:43

idea. That's the statistic, it shows that there's an increase in

00:18:43 --> 00:18:47

people warming to the idea of having more than one spouse, right

00:18:47 --> 00:18:50

having more than one wife. However, there's something else

00:18:50 --> 00:18:54

which takes place abundantly, but people still hate it.

00:18:56 --> 00:18:58

And the attitudes have stayed the same. They haven't improved,

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which is adultery, infidelity,

00:19:04 --> 00:19:05

cheating on your spouse,

00:19:06 --> 00:19:10

even though I don't want to say half the population. But even

00:19:10 --> 00:19:12

though so many people are cheating,

00:19:13 --> 00:19:16

it still made a big deal. And the very people who make the big deal

00:19:16 --> 00:19:19

are probably cheating themselves, but they still make a big deal.

00:19:19 --> 00:19:22

Because it's so innate in the human culture. And I think it's

00:19:22 --> 00:19:25

relates to our as a human beings. This is such a need that in

00:19:25 --> 00:19:29

paradise, there's going to be no singular person you need to be

00:19:29 --> 00:19:33

with a person in paradise. And I think this is also where it all

00:19:33 --> 00:19:36

started from in Jana, with Adam and Eve. How are you Sullivan

00:19:36 --> 00:19:38

Adam, Allison, I'm as husband and wife in paradise.

00:19:40 --> 00:19:44

To be feeling that you have to have faithfulness towards your

00:19:44 --> 00:19:44

spouse.

00:19:45 --> 00:19:49

Not everybody's situation is the same. There will be some strange

00:19:49 --> 00:19:53

circumstances somebody will have unique circumstances. And as I

00:19:53 --> 00:19:56

always said, Don't ever think that it's ever going to be 100% perfect

00:19:56 --> 00:19:59

because it will never be as true as you might

00:20:00 --> 00:20:03

But keep reading the DUA Robina habla naman as Virgina with Maria

00:20:03 --> 00:20:07

Tina Kurata Yun watcher and in with tacchini II mama all is

00:20:07 --> 00:20:10

focused on the positives and maybe Allah will insha Allah bring a

00:20:10 --> 00:20:15

time when you will be satisfied with your spouse and that

00:20:15 --> 00:20:17

satisfaction in this world will be inshallah satisfaction the

00:20:17 --> 00:20:18

hereafter

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