Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 7 Advices for Wives
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Now let's look at it the other way. These are the advices, to
sisters, for the you know how to develop a better relationship and
fulfill the rights of the husband. The first one
is Respect, respect.
And
a marriage cannot last, if the wife doesn't give respect to a
husband.
That's a very difficult. It's a very difficult scenario, because
in the hierarchy of Islam in a family hierarchy with a man is
supposed to be the responsible one, anybody who's responsible
must be given respect. Of course, she needs respect as well. But if
she doesn't give her husband respect and looks down upon him,
that whole system is turned upside down.
It is, according to some if it's not the most important, then it is
one of the most important
for a marriage to function. He needs this from you as wives,
maybe even more than love.
To take on the financial burden of the family, and to bear the
responsibility for his spiritual and worldly success, that's a big
task, a big job for the husband, he needs his wife, obviously, to
be supportive and respect his role as the leader of the family that
the city has given him, not somebody who constantly undermines
him, and doubts his capability. Now, by showing this respect, you
increase his love for you.
If you treat him like a king, then he's going to treat you like a
queen, hopefully, sha Allah. And maybe this is why the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made a statement, which is very difficult
for a lot of people to understand and accept. But he said, If I were
to command anybody to prostrate to anybody makes sense that for
anybody, I would have commanded women to prostrate before their
husbands. Because of the rights Allah has granted husbands over
their wives. Right, Heidi's ready to buy without Telemedia and so
on. But obviously, we don't prostrate in front of anybody,
except Allah. So that's the first point which is showing respect.
Number two,
just like we said, to a man that bmm so here, be a woman.
Be a woman, your role is to be a woman, not be a man.
Doesn't matter what anybody tells you. A wife should be feminine.
If you want your husband to be chivalrous and masculine, than you
need to act in a feminine manner,
a successful marriage comes about when spouses appreciate their
differences. And each fulfills their role.
It's true that the opposite is also true that opposites attract,
and your husband is going to be drawn to femininity.
If there's women who are trying to act like men, right, whether they
dress like men, or whether they're trying to take the roles generally
of men, it loses the femininity, what they are all about.
This includes you making an effort to maintain a healthy body and
physical attractiveness. Your husband is going to face a lot of
temptations outside the home on a daily basis, the fitness outside,
right.
And he'll appreciate you keeping up your appearance. You know,
whether that be maintaining maintaining your personal hygiene,
exercising, dressing, well wearing makeup, perfume, even at home, and
doing up your hair. It is the act of making the effort, you know, to
show that you're at least making an effort that counts. Not that
you are the more you are the most beautiful person has ever seen.
You know, you may never be the most beautiful person who's ever
seen because there's a lot of beauty that always you know,
people and how people react to beauty and what they consider
beauty. very subjective anyway, that's not what you want to be.
You want to show that you're making an effort as his wife.
That's what's important.
That's why there's many women, they describe this phenomenon as
hijab neglect, where those sisters who don't who wear a hijab, they
make less effort on their physical appearance when they start wearing
hijab, because they don't want to show off in public, which is fine
for the public. But your husband will feel deflated if he comes
home to see you in your sleeping gown. Or your pajamas day after
day, while you go out all dressed up for a wedding. So when you're
going out, you take an hour to dress up. But when he comes home,
it's all messed up. In fact, what I see as a massive dichotomy is
that what do you think are the most productive hours of your day?
When what hours are the most productive hours of your day? For
most people, isn't it from a
after you wake up like eight to nine o'clock until you know that
that time, now the husband and wife are both working separately
in different places mixed environments, the husband is going
to have his most fresh and his most vital time and the wife, same
thing, all dressed up, etc. Working very closely with people
on projects, sharing a lot of emotion sharing a lot of
experiences, failures, successes, that makes that creates a bond
with people, then they come home and they're both tired, right?
And they're too tired for anything.
Then what happens a lot of the time is that obviously shaytan is
there and you start feeling attracted to other people. And
that's how marriages break up a lot of the time, because of the
unhealthy environments that we work in.
So if you're forced to work, especially for women, if you're
forced to work,
you know, it's, it's a big challenge. It's a big challenge.
So be conscious, also be conscious of your spouse's preferences. Some
spouses, some husbands may not fancy certain types of makeup or
any at all. So it's not worth putting it on for them, because
you'll be wasting your time. And then when you don't get
appreciated, you're gonna feel deflated. So understand your
husband. Number three. So the second one was be a woman play
your role as a woman, right, and what a man would expect from a
woman.
Number Number three is express your feelings and needs clearly
and effectively.
This ties in with some of the stuff we've already said, Men can
be very simple in the way they think about certain things that
they don't think of things in a very complicated way, right
sometimes. And while you may think that something is blaringly,
obvious, like it's so obvious, he's doing this, your husband may
not have any idea what you're thinking that what he said or what
he did, or he forgot to bring something and it made you feel so
hurt. He doesn't even get it. And you're you know, some make things
very clear. This is not because he's inconsiderate. But because
you are thinking on a completely different wavelength. The longer
you live with a person, the more likely you're going to learn about
the way they think anyway. But we're always learning Remember,
we're always going to be learning. And this process can take some
time sometimes, until until the day comes.
When you can, in you're both able to read minds, like you can read
his mind and he can read your mind, you should be clear in
expressing your perspective without making assumptions.
This is a really big nasiha this is a really big advice. Many women
appreciate this advice on they get it because they always think that
he should know. But he doesn't say how long you're going to cry for.
Make it clear
why he can tend to expect things without communicating them. Like
subliminally, you better understand the vibes I'm sending
you.
But sometimes men don't get it. So to avoid any misunderstanding, you
should be clear about what you want.
Don't just drop hints.
And then get angry if your husband doesn't get it.
If he's not getting something, always try to give him the benefit
of the doubt. And then try to clarify what you want.
That number four, so that was number three, right?
Communicating. Number four is give him his space.
Give him his space. What do we mean by that? One of the
complaints of many women, right is that when a husband comes home
from work, sometimes
he comes in, he doesn't want to speak he just lies down, or he
starts watching something, or watching the match or the soccer
whatever it is, or he's on his phone or something like that and
does not want to communicate.
Sometimes it's just men, they just want some time.
Right? Don't expect that they're going to hold a big conversation
with you as soon as they've come back. Maybe there's had a bad time
in traffic was a bad day at work or whatever the case is.
He just needs some time to himself collecting his thoughts and relax
alone.
Some relationship books call this the cave entering the cave that
some husbands just like to enter their K for a while.
This isn't because he doesn't like the wife or he's met somebody else
or he's interested in somebody else.
It's just sometimes the husband's nature. So unless there's a bigger
problem, he should he will emerge from his cave eventually and be
given 10 minutes 15 minutes asking for a cup of tea or something you
know, he will come out eventually.
I won't face this situation should just understand that the silence
is you know, he's just needs that time. Maybe at that time, you can
just call your mother or call just catch up with something else or
call up a friend if you need somebody to talk to at that time.
That was number four. Number five is speak to your husband about his
problems.
Don't speak to others and not your husband. This is one massive
mistake people make.
They literally feed a commentary of their marital lives to their
mothers.
And their mothers sometimes act as remote controls.
Okay, you do this, you say this. But what the mother doesn't
understand is that her relationship with her husband, the
father, is very different to her daughter's ration with a husband.
You can't remote control and do what you did with your husband to
your daughter, you're gonna mess up the marriage.
So do not feed. There's some people who feed to their friends,
all the issues that are going on in their marriage, their friends
on WhatsApp, group two, three people are getting a whole soap
opera. It's like a soap opera drama. That's very different,
because they'll give you advice. And sometimes they're very
inexperienced, they can't give you advice.
Especially the worst people that you can consult, I'll tell you
this by experience, the worst people you can consult about your
own problems is other people who are having problems. They're
already depressed, and they'll make you depressed, even if you're
not depressed. In fact, they even make healthy people depressed by
telling you their story.
Don't ever, ever tell your problems to a depressed person, or
person who's already going through rounds, because believe me, they
will mess it up for you. They're not the healthiest people to tell.
So talking to friends, parents, even their children about issues
that they have with their husband is not always the best. Sometimes
you do need help. You can't suffer in silence. Sometimes you do need
it when you've tried everything. But otherwise, right? The one
who's in the relationship, they if you can't deal with it, how can
outside people help you in your relationship when you yourself
can't help?
Unless you want them to break your relationship, then they can help
you do that.
Unless it's very necessary. You can of course, you know, ask for
sincere advice. If you're dealing with a big problem that you've
been unable to slow solve yourself or with your husband, or abusive
situation, then you need help. Because then husband is abusive,
then you need you need to take it seriously. Take it take it to the
authorities.
But that habit of some wives complaining about their husbands
when there's no benefit or need to it's just plain backbiting.
There's no justification.
There's enough soap operas out there, there's already enough
dramas out there, we don't need another one.
In fact, spouses have rights over you to keep their secrets.
And you can't divulge their secrets. It's bad to do that.
I mean, imagine when your husband finds out
because his friend whose wife is your wife's friend, she told she
she told him and he didn't want anybody else to know. And it's
something they could have sorted out.
Really negative number six, right? So number five was Don't tell
everybody about your husband, talk to your husband.
Number six, be considerate and moderate in your expectations. Be
considerate and moderate in your expectations. Your husband has a
huge burden, which is the financial burden obligation
towards the family. And not only does he have to provide the bread
for today, but he has to obviously think about the financial future
as well. So in that sometimes, you know they have, they could keep
them awake at night, thinking about these things. May Allah make
it easy. So don't add to the burden by expecting things from
him that are beyond his ability just because your friend received
a Mercedes SUV, or a Louis Vuitton bag or you know, something special
or whatever, that my husband, he doesn't bring me that. But he
loves you otherwise, but he doesn't bring you a gift. So you
start measuring him by how your friend has received things.
Don't expect your spouse to be a superhero.
Right? Or be like somebody else's husband.
Don't get so infatuated with somebody else's husband that you
and your husband to be like them.
You have to remember like gifts should be a pleasant surprise, not
an expectation. Every week, you must buy me a gift.
I mean, what's the whole point of a gift is the surprise element.
Otherwise, you know that somebody's going to bring you a
gift, the surprise is gone. You don't even enjoy it as much.
One of the biggest elements of a gift is the surprise element.
So anyway,
when you look to other people who have maybe a better standard of
living, bigger house, nicer furniture, better car better,
whatever, and you feel your husband doesn't earn as much
right as such and such a person then that is just a sign that you
are not content with what Allah has given you. So it's a
discontentment from Allah. That's that's bad.
And when you start making comparisons to other people's
husbands and standards of living that
would be a huge blow to his self confidence, then it messes up your
relationship, it's not going to make it better.
Show your husband that you do appreciate his efforts, and avoid
creating problems or being too demanding. Now I know in all of
these, there's going to be exceptional cases of negativity, I
understand that. But these are the general things that we need to
observe. And number seven is roll with the changes. What that means
is that a woman's life involves involves many significant changes
herself, you know, for example, she has to make major sacrifices,
she's going to move over from a husband from her family house, to
either the husband's house or to a new house, maybe most likely, in
the husband's parents area. Because generally women go to the
husband's place, generally speaking, it's a big sacrifice.
She may even have to move to different parts of the country, or
even abroad because of the husband's job or career. Right,
he's been sent somewhere else. So she will have something like a new
life to set up a new home, new family members, in fact, so she
has to go through a lot, she's gonna have to be very flexible.
And Allah has given you that ability to do that.
So she should be prepared to accept her situation.
And strive to be open and flexible about it. And you know, she may
have to even keep moving due to the husband's work. I mean, if
that's something you don't want to do from before, then you need to
make sure that you have this from before you get married, that look,
I want somebody who's going to be here and not moving around.
There's also going to be maybe times of financial hardship, he
may lose his job, right? Or maybe a big bill comes in or maybe you
have to buy a house or something like that. both spouses will also
change over time. As I mentioned, spouses change over time in age
obviously, in strength, temperament, weight, youth,
children.
So life is temporary after all,
and
the perfect home that you will have Inshallah, one day we'll be
in paradise.
The whole definition of Paradise
is a place with your spouse. Do you know that? What is paradise
without a spouse
were equally mean who Mazel Jetta,
every body is going to have a spouse,
spouse, there's the prophets, Allah some said in a hadith Marfil
Jannetty.
There is no single person in paradise.
There is no single Bachelor in Paradise. If somebody doesn't have
a husband in this world or a wife in this world, then they will get
to marry others who are of a similar state in this world, they
will get to marry those in paradise.
You will have a spouse that you will be content with in paradise.
And you won't be living with your father, mother children, you will
be living with your spouse.
So having a spousal relationship in this world,
being
what you call
not just having a spousal relationship, but being faithful
to your spouse
is considered to be so innate. And so needed so necessary that look,
I'll give you a comparison.
Polygamy is not most people don't do polygamy. Alright, most people
don't do polygamy.
But the West in America in the US people actually warming to the
idea. That's the statistic, it shows that there's an increase in
people warming to the idea of having more than one spouse, right
having more than one wife. However, there's something else
which takes place abundantly, but people still hate it.
And the attitudes have stayed the same. They haven't improved,
which is adultery, infidelity,
cheating on your spouse,
even though I don't want to say half the population. But even
though so many people are cheating,
it still made a big deal. And the very people who make the big deal
are probably cheating themselves, but they still make a big deal.
Because it's so innate in the human culture. And I think it's
relates to our as a human beings. This is such a need that in
paradise, there's going to be no singular person you need to be
with a person in paradise. And I think this is also where it all
started from in Jana, with Adam and Eve. How are you Sullivan
Adam, Allison, I'm as husband and wife in paradise.
To be feeling that you have to have faithfulness towards your
spouse.
Not everybody's situation is the same. There will be some strange
circumstances somebody will have unique circumstances. And as I
always said, Don't ever think that it's ever going to be 100% perfect
because it will never be as true as you might
But keep reading the DUA Robina habla naman as Virgina with Maria
Tina Kurata Yun watcher and in with tacchini II mama all is
focused on the positives and maybe Allah will insha Allah bring a
time when you will be satisfied with your spouse and that
satisfaction in this world will be inshallah satisfaction the
hereafter