Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – 7 Advices for Wives

Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera
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The importance of respect in relationships is discussed, emphasizing the need for a woman's role as the leader and the need for manners and feminine behavior. The speaker advises being clear about one's feelings and needs to avoid being a man. The negative impact of giving advice to someone who is already depressed is discussed, and the importance of letting people know how to express themselves is emphasized. gifts should be a pleasant surprise, not just a surprise, and measured by how the friend's friendships are.

AI: Summary ©

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			Now let's look at it the other
way. These are the advices, to
		
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			sisters, for the you know how to
develop a better relationship and
		
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			fulfill the rights of the husband.
The first one
		
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			is Respect, respect.
		
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			And
		
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			a marriage cannot last, if the
wife doesn't give respect to a
		
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			husband.
		
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			That's a very difficult. It's a
very difficult scenario, because
		
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			in the hierarchy of Islam in a
family hierarchy with a man is
		
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			supposed to be the responsible
one, anybody who's responsible
		
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			must be given respect. Of course,
she needs respect as well. But if
		
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			she doesn't give her husband
respect and looks down upon him,
		
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			that whole system is turned upside
down.
		
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			It is, according to some if it's
not the most important, then it is
		
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			one of the most important
		
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			for a marriage to function. He
needs this from you as wives,
		
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			maybe even more than love.
		
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			To take on the financial burden of
the family, and to bear the
		
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			responsibility for his spiritual
and worldly success, that's a big
		
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			task, a big job for the husband,
he needs his wife, obviously, to
		
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			be supportive and respect his role
as the leader of the family that
		
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			the city has given him, not
somebody who constantly undermines
		
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			him, and doubts his capability.
Now, by showing this respect, you
		
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			increase his love for you.
		
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			If you treat him like a king, then
he's going to treat you like a
		
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			queen, hopefully, sha Allah. And
maybe this is why the Prophet
		
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			sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made a
statement, which is very difficult
		
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			for a lot of people to understand
and accept. But he said, If I were
		
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			to command anybody to prostrate to
anybody makes sense that for
		
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			anybody, I would have commanded
women to prostrate before their
		
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			husbands. Because of the rights
Allah has granted husbands over
		
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			their wives. Right, Heidi's ready
to buy without Telemedia and so
		
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			on. But obviously, we don't
prostrate in front of anybody,
		
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			except Allah. So that's the first
point which is showing respect.
		
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			Number two,
		
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			just like we said, to a man that
bmm so here, be a woman.
		
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			Be a woman, your role is to be a
woman, not be a man.
		
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			Doesn't matter what anybody tells
you. A wife should be feminine.
		
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			If you want your husband to be
chivalrous and masculine, than you
		
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			need to act in a feminine manner,
		
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			a successful marriage comes about
when spouses appreciate their
		
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			differences. And each fulfills
their role.
		
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			It's true that the opposite is
also true that opposites attract,
		
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			and your husband is going to be
drawn to femininity.
		
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			If there's women who are trying to
act like men, right, whether they
		
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			dress like men, or whether they're
trying to take the roles generally
		
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			of men, it loses the femininity,
what they are all about.
		
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			This includes you making an effort
to maintain a healthy body and
		
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			physical attractiveness. Your
husband is going to face a lot of
		
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			temptations outside the home on a
daily basis, the fitness outside,
		
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			right.
		
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			And he'll appreciate you keeping
up your appearance. You know,
		
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			whether that be maintaining
maintaining your personal hygiene,
		
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			exercising, dressing, well wearing
makeup, perfume, even at home, and
		
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			doing up your hair. It is the act
of making the effort, you know, to
		
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			show that you're at least making
an effort that counts. Not that
		
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			you are the more you are the most
beautiful person has ever seen.
		
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			You know, you may never be the
most beautiful person who's ever
		
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			seen because there's a lot of
beauty that always you know,
		
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			people and how people react to
beauty and what they consider
		
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			beauty. very subjective anyway,
that's not what you want to be.
		
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			You want to show that you're
making an effort as his wife.
		
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			That's what's important.
		
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			That's why there's many women,
they describe this phenomenon as
		
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			hijab neglect, where those sisters
who don't who wear a hijab, they
		
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			make less effort on their physical
appearance when they start wearing
		
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			hijab, because they don't want to
show off in public, which is fine
		
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			for the public. But your husband
will feel deflated if he comes
		
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			home to see you in your sleeping
gown. Or your pajamas day after
		
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			day, while you go out all dressed
up for a wedding. So when you're
		
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			going out, you take an hour to
dress up. But when he comes home,
		
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			it's all messed up. In fact, what
I see as a massive dichotomy is
		
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			that what do you think are the
most productive hours of your day?
		
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			When what hours are the most
productive hours of your day? For
		
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			most people, isn't it from a
		
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			after you wake up like eight to
nine o'clock until you know that
		
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			that time, now the husband and
wife are both working separately
		
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			in different places mixed
environments, the husband is going
		
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			to have his most fresh and his
most vital time and the wife, same
		
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			thing, all dressed up, etc.
Working very closely with people
		
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			on projects, sharing a lot of
emotion sharing a lot of
		
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			experiences, failures, successes,
that makes that creates a bond
		
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			with people, then they come home
and they're both tired, right?
		
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			And they're too tired for
anything.
		
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			Then what happens a lot of the
time is that obviously shaytan is
		
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			there and you start feeling
attracted to other people. And
		
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			that's how marriages break up a
lot of the time, because of the
		
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			unhealthy environments that we
work in.
		
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			So if you're forced to work,
especially for women, if you're
		
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			forced to work,
		
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			you know, it's, it's a big
challenge. It's a big challenge.
		
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			So be conscious, also be conscious
of your spouse's preferences. Some
		
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			spouses, some husbands may not
fancy certain types of makeup or
		
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			any at all. So it's not worth
putting it on for them, because
		
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			you'll be wasting your time. And
then when you don't get
		
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			appreciated, you're gonna feel
deflated. So understand your
		
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			husband. Number three. So the
second one was be a woman play
		
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			your role as a woman, right, and
what a man would expect from a
		
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			woman.
		
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			Number Number three is express
your feelings and needs clearly
		
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			and effectively.
		
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			This ties in with some of the
stuff we've already said, Men can
		
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			be very simple in the way they
think about certain things that
		
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			they don't think of things in a
very complicated way, right
		
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			sometimes. And while you may think
that something is blaringly,
		
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			obvious, like it's so obvious,
he's doing this, your husband may
		
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			not have any idea what you're
thinking that what he said or what
		
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			he did, or he forgot to bring
something and it made you feel so
		
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			hurt. He doesn't even get it. And
you're you know, some make things
		
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			very clear. This is not because
he's inconsiderate. But because
		
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			you are thinking on a completely
different wavelength. The longer
		
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			you live with a person, the more
likely you're going to learn about
		
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			the way they think anyway. But
we're always learning Remember,
		
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			we're always going to be learning.
And this process can take some
		
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			time sometimes, until until the
day comes.
		
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			When you can, in you're both able
to read minds, like you can read
		
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			his mind and he can read your
mind, you should be clear in
		
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			expressing your perspective
without making assumptions.
		
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			This is a really big nasiha this
is a really big advice. Many women
		
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			appreciate this advice on they get
it because they always think that
		
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			he should know. But he doesn't say
how long you're going to cry for.
		
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			Make it clear
		
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			why he can tend to expect things
without communicating them. Like
		
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			subliminally, you better
understand the vibes I'm sending
		
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			you.
		
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			But sometimes men don't get it. So
to avoid any misunderstanding, you
		
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			should be clear about what you
want.
		
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			Don't just drop hints.
		
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			And then get angry if your husband
doesn't get it.
		
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			If he's not getting something,
always try to give him the benefit
		
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			of the doubt. And then try to
clarify what you want.
		
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			That number four, so that was
number three, right?
		
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			Communicating. Number four is give
him his space.
		
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			Give him his space. What do we
mean by that? One of the
		
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			complaints of many women, right is
that when a husband comes home
		
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			from work, sometimes
		
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			he comes in, he doesn't want to
speak he just lies down, or he
		
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			starts watching something, or
watching the match or the soccer
		
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			whatever it is, or he's on his
phone or something like that and
		
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			does not want to communicate.
		
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			Sometimes it's just men, they just
want some time.
		
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			Right? Don't expect that they're
going to hold a big conversation
		
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			with you as soon as they've come
back. Maybe there's had a bad time
		
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			in traffic was a bad day at work
or whatever the case is.
		
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			He just needs some time to himself
collecting his thoughts and relax
		
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			alone.
		
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			Some relationship books call this
the cave entering the cave that
		
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			some husbands just like to enter
their K for a while.
		
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			This isn't because he doesn't like
the wife or he's met somebody else
		
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			or he's interested in somebody
else.
		
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			It's just sometimes the husband's
nature. So unless there's a bigger
		
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			problem, he should he will emerge
from his cave eventually and be
		
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			given 10 minutes 15 minutes asking
for a cup of tea or something you
		
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			know, he will come out eventually.
		
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			I won't face this situation should
just understand that the silence
		
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			is you know, he's just needs that
time. Maybe at that time, you can
		
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			just call your mother or call just
catch up with something else or
		
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			call up a friend if you need
somebody to talk to at that time.
		
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			That was number four. Number five
is speak to your husband about his
		
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			problems.
		
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			Don't speak to others and not your
husband. This is one massive
		
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			mistake people make.
		
00:10:06 --> 00:10:11
			They literally feed a commentary
of their marital lives to their
		
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			mothers.
		
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			And their mothers sometimes act as
remote controls.
		
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			Okay, you do this, you say this.
But what the mother doesn't
		
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			understand is that her
relationship with her husband, the
		
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			father, is very different to her
daughter's ration with a husband.
		
00:10:28 --> 00:10:32
			You can't remote control and do
what you did with your husband to
		
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			your daughter, you're gonna mess
up the marriage.
		
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			So do not feed. There's some
people who feed to their friends,
		
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			all the issues that are going on
in their marriage, their friends
		
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			on WhatsApp, group two, three
people are getting a whole soap
		
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			opera. It's like a soap opera
drama. That's very different,
		
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			because they'll give you advice.
And sometimes they're very
		
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			inexperienced, they can't give you
advice.
		
00:10:54 --> 00:10:57
			Especially the worst people that
you can consult, I'll tell you
		
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			this by experience, the worst
people you can consult about your
		
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			own problems is other people who
are having problems. They're
		
00:11:05 --> 00:11:07
			already depressed, and they'll
make you depressed, even if you're
		
00:11:07 --> 00:11:11
			not depressed. In fact, they even
make healthy people depressed by
		
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			telling you their story.
		
00:11:14 --> 00:11:19
			Don't ever, ever tell your
problems to a depressed person, or
		
00:11:19 --> 00:11:20
			person who's already going through
rounds, because believe me, they
		
00:11:20 --> 00:11:23
			will mess it up for you. They're
not the healthiest people to tell.
		
00:11:25 --> 00:11:28
			So talking to friends, parents,
even their children about issues
		
00:11:28 --> 00:11:31
			that they have with their husband
is not always the best. Sometimes
		
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			you do need help. You can't suffer
in silence. Sometimes you do need
		
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			it when you've tried everything.
But otherwise, right? The one
		
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			who's in the relationship, they if
you can't deal with it, how can
		
00:11:41 --> 00:11:44
			outside people help you in your
relationship when you yourself
		
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			can't help?
		
00:11:45 --> 00:11:48
			Unless you want them to break your
relationship, then they can help
		
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			you do that.
		
00:11:50 --> 00:11:53
			Unless it's very necessary. You
can of course, you know, ask for
		
00:11:53 --> 00:11:56
			sincere advice. If you're dealing
with a big problem that you've
		
00:11:56 --> 00:11:59
			been unable to slow solve yourself
or with your husband, or abusive
		
00:11:59 --> 00:12:03
			situation, then you need help.
Because then husband is abusive,
		
00:12:03 --> 00:12:08
			then you need you need to take it
seriously. Take it take it to the
		
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			authorities.
		
00:12:10 --> 00:12:12
			But that habit of some wives
complaining about their husbands
		
00:12:12 --> 00:12:16
			when there's no benefit or need to
it's just plain backbiting.
		
00:12:16 --> 00:12:17
			There's no justification.
		
00:12:19 --> 00:12:20
			There's enough soap operas out
there, there's already enough
		
00:12:20 --> 00:12:22
			dramas out there, we don't need
another one.
		
00:12:25 --> 00:12:28
			In fact, spouses have rights over
you to keep their secrets.
		
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			And you can't divulge their
secrets. It's bad to do that.
		
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			I mean, imagine when your husband
finds out
		
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			because his friend whose wife is
your wife's friend, she told she
		
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			she told him and he didn't want
anybody else to know. And it's
		
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			something they could have sorted
out.
		
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			Really negative number six, right?
So number five was Don't tell
		
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			everybody about your husband, talk
to your husband.
		
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			Number six, be considerate and
moderate in your expectations. Be
		
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			considerate and moderate in your
expectations. Your husband has a
		
00:13:04 --> 00:13:08
			huge burden, which is the
financial burden obligation
		
00:13:08 --> 00:13:11
			towards the family. And not only
does he have to provide the bread
		
00:13:11 --> 00:13:15
			for today, but he has to obviously
think about the financial future
		
00:13:15 --> 00:13:20
			as well. So in that sometimes, you
know they have, they could keep
		
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			them awake at night, thinking
about these things. May Allah make
		
00:13:23 --> 00:13:28
			it easy. So don't add to the
burden by expecting things from
		
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			him that are beyond his ability
just because your friend received
		
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			a Mercedes SUV, or a Louis Vuitton
bag or you know, something special
		
00:13:37 --> 00:13:40
			or whatever, that my husband, he
doesn't bring me that. But he
		
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			loves you otherwise, but he
doesn't bring you a gift. So you
		
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			start measuring him by how your
friend has received things.
		
00:13:48 --> 00:13:51
			Don't expect your spouse to be a
superhero.
		
00:13:53 --> 00:13:56
			Right? Or be like somebody else's
husband.
		
00:13:57 --> 00:14:00
			Don't get so infatuated with
somebody else's husband that you
		
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			and your husband to be like them.
		
00:14:04 --> 00:14:07
			You have to remember like gifts
should be a pleasant surprise, not
		
00:14:07 --> 00:14:10
			an expectation. Every week, you
must buy me a gift.
		
00:14:13 --> 00:14:17
			I mean, what's the whole point of
a gift is the surprise element.
		
00:14:19 --> 00:14:20
			Otherwise, you know that
somebody's going to bring you a
		
00:14:20 --> 00:14:24
			gift, the surprise is gone. You
don't even enjoy it as much.
		
00:14:26 --> 00:14:28
			One of the biggest elements of a
gift is the surprise element.
		
00:14:31 --> 00:14:31
			So anyway,
		
00:14:32 --> 00:14:35
			when you look to other people who
have maybe a better standard of
		
00:14:35 --> 00:14:39
			living, bigger house, nicer
furniture, better car better,
		
00:14:39 --> 00:14:42
			whatever, and you feel your
husband doesn't earn as much
		
00:14:43 --> 00:14:47
			right as such and such a person
then that is just a sign that you
		
00:14:47 --> 00:14:51
			are not content with what Allah
has given you. So it's a
		
00:14:51 --> 00:14:54
			discontentment from Allah. That's
that's bad.
		
00:14:55 --> 00:14:57
			And when you start making
comparisons to other people's
		
00:14:57 --> 00:14:59
			husbands and standards of living
that
		
00:15:00 --> 00:15:03
			would be a huge blow to his self
confidence, then it messes up your
		
00:15:03 --> 00:15:05
			relationship, it's not going to
make it better.
		
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			Show your husband that you do
appreciate his efforts, and avoid
		
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			creating problems or being too
demanding. Now I know in all of
		
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			these, there's going to be
exceptional cases of negativity, I
		
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			understand that. But these are the
general things that we need to
		
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			observe. And number seven is roll
with the changes. What that means
		
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			is that a woman's life involves
involves many significant changes
		
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			herself, you know, for example,
she has to make major sacrifices,
		
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			she's going to move over from a
husband from her family house, to
		
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			either the husband's house or to a
new house, maybe most likely, in
		
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			the husband's parents area.
Because generally women go to the
		
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			husband's place, generally
speaking, it's a big sacrifice.
		
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			She may even have to move to
different parts of the country, or
		
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			even abroad because of the
husband's job or career. Right,
		
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			he's been sent somewhere else. So
she will have something like a new
		
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			life to set up a new home, new
family members, in fact, so she
		
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			has to go through a lot, she's
gonna have to be very flexible.
		
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			And Allah has given you that
ability to do that.
		
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			So she should be prepared to
accept her situation.
		
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			And strive to be open and flexible
about it. And you know, she may
		
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			have to even keep moving due to
the husband's work. I mean, if
		
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			that's something you don't want to
do from before, then you need to
		
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			make sure that you have this from
before you get married, that look,
		
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			I want somebody who's going to be
here and not moving around.
		
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			There's also going to be maybe
times of financial hardship, he
		
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			may lose his job, right? Or maybe
a big bill comes in or maybe you
		
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			have to buy a house or something
like that. both spouses will also
		
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			change over time. As I mentioned,
spouses change over time in age
		
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			obviously, in strength,
temperament, weight, youth,
		
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			children.
		
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			So life is temporary after all,
		
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			and
		
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			the perfect home that you will
have Inshallah, one day we'll be
		
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			in paradise.
		
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			The whole definition of Paradise
		
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			is a place with your spouse. Do
you know that? What is paradise
		
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			without a spouse
		
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			were equally mean who Mazel Jetta,
		
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			every body is going to have a
spouse,
		
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			spouse, there's the prophets,
Allah some said in a hadith Marfil
		
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			Jannetty.
		
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			There is no single person in
paradise.
		
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			There is no single Bachelor in
Paradise. If somebody doesn't have
		
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			a husband in this world or a wife
in this world, then they will get
		
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			to marry others who are of a
similar state in this world, they
		
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			will get to marry those in
paradise.
		
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			You will have a spouse that you
will be content with in paradise.
		
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			And you won't be living with your
father, mother children, you will
		
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			be living with your spouse.
		
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			So having a spousal relationship
in this world,
		
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			being
		
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			what you call
		
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			not just having a spousal
relationship, but being faithful
		
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			to your spouse
		
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			is considered to be so innate. And
so needed so necessary that look,
		
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			I'll give you a comparison.
		
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			Polygamy is not most people don't
do polygamy. Alright, most people
		
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			don't do polygamy.
		
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			But the West in America in the US
people actually warming to the
		
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			idea. That's the statistic, it
shows that there's an increase in
		
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			people warming to the idea of
having more than one spouse, right
		
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			having more than one wife.
However, there's something else
		
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			which takes place abundantly, but
people still hate it.
		
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			And the attitudes have stayed the
same. They haven't improved,
		
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			which is adultery, infidelity,
		
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			cheating on your spouse,
		
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			even though I don't want to say
half the population. But even
		
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			though so many people are
cheating,
		
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			it still made a big deal. And the
very people who make the big deal
		
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			are probably cheating themselves,
but they still make a big deal.
		
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			Because it's so innate in the
human culture. And I think it's
		
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			relates to our as a human beings.
This is such a need that in
		
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			paradise, there's going to be no
singular person you need to be
		
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			with a person in paradise. And I
think this is also where it all
		
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			started from in Jana, with Adam
and Eve. How are you Sullivan
		
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			Adam, Allison, I'm as husband and
wife in paradise.
		
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			To be feeling that you have to
have faithfulness towards your
		
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			spouse.
		
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			Not everybody's situation is the
same. There will be some strange
		
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			circumstances somebody will have
unique circumstances. And as I
		
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			always said, Don't ever think that
it's ever going to be 100% perfect
		
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			because it will never be as true
as you might
		
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			But keep reading the DUA Robina
habla naman as Virgina with Maria
		
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			Tina Kurata Yun watcher and in
with tacchini II mama all is
		
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			focused on the positives and maybe
Allah will insha Allah bring a
		
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			time when you will be satisfied
with your spouse and that
		
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			satisfaction in this world will be
inshallah satisfaction the
		
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			hereafter