Abdullah Oduro – Iman Cave – Faith Vs. Family The Convert Marriage Dilemma
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You will find a lot with converts.
Right?
Particularly
the male convert that wants to marry into
the female
born Muslim.
She wants to marry. He wants to marry
her
and the family's like, no, because he doesn't
have a Muslim family.
Okay.
I've seen pitfalls in that regard, but I've
also seen that which, you know, pitfalls
on both levels. Pitfalls to where
the man will automatically
assume that because he's not a particular nationality,
that they don't consider him at all. And
he's probably very, very religious. Like he's probably
amongst the most religious men that she's met
and that they've ran into. Right. But because
of where he's from,
it's totally out. He's totally out. Interesting, interesting.
And I'll find the opposite, which has a
consideration
to where the family, when they meet his
non Muslim family,
it kind of,
it kind of coincides with what you said
like, okay, there's drama with the non Muslim
family. The father may be an alcoholic. The
father may not be in his life. He
probably doesn't know who his father is.
Therefore, those experiences pushed him towards Islam. Right.
But do I put my daughter in that
particular situation?
Right. Right. Right. So what what's a preventative
measure that you would advise in this regard?
Said red flags, right? What are some things
that a man should look at? I wouldn't
necessarily consider that a red flag. Again, these
are circumstances that the person didn't choose, right?
And it works, you know, it's case by
case because that person who came from that
family could also be so much more appreciative
Okay.
Of of the girl's family Yes. Of the
girl, of, you know, the, you know, the
Islam that they that they bring. Right? Yep.
And then,
forgive me if I'm, like, generalizing, but typically
with non Muslim
families, right, the mother-in-law is not as invasive.
You know? So more hands off. Right? If
you marry a convert,
typically,
the mom is not going to be you
know, I'm speaking specifically like like South Asian
families. If you marry a guy from a
South Asian family, right, from Pakistan,
the mother-in-law is going to come with certain
expectations, this, that. Right?
I haven't seen it as much when I
work with couples where one is a convert.
It's there, here, and there,
but it's more about, like, okay, setting boundaries
about, like, Christmas and, like, parties and this
and that. And if the guy
has the hikmah to be able to set
boundaries while still being respectful to his family,
but this is, you know, Sheikh, you know
this better than than us. Right? This is
a struggle of converts in general. Like, you
know, having that balance of, like, you know,
sasidatraham
while keeping their deen and so on. This
is something you could speak to a lot
more than the balance of silt arham, keeping
their family ties. I mean I literally that's
what I went through. My mother lives with
me now and, which is gonna I was
gonna ask you like, when does a man
have to stand up? Okay. Right.
Christmas I had to just make things very
clear.
You know, and, one thing, you know, my
mother, I mean, she I mean, I mean,
I mean, when I got married, she's like,
I'm not, I'm just gonna make this very
clear. I'm not getting involved in your marriage.
The holy prophet. I said, say the shihad
the next. That's all you're doing.
Right. Right. Right. You
know? And so So among desi moms,
that's a minority.
It's very rare for a mom to say
I'm not getting involved in your Okay. Talk
talk to them. Okay. Okay. 1st, talk to
the the mothers, please.
And then talk to the sons in this
situation. The situation to where the mother gets
involved
with the boy that wants to marry the
non Muslim, the new, the new convert sister.
Right. Right. Right. No. No. Absolutely. So for
first for the moms. Right? Yes. And I
mean, you know, I'm a parent myself. I
have 2 of them. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Stop babying your kids, especially your sons. Stop
babying them. Let them make their decisions. You
know? You're there as a guide, but, like,
you're raising a generation of
man childs. I don't know. Like, you know?
So,
that's to the moms, right, to to to
the sons. And this is something I've I've
seen a lot within,
within the Desi community in particular. I believe
it's an auto community. Please correct me if
I'm wrong. And that's the idea of not
for men
struggling with this idea
of Biril Walidane
while balancing my wife's rights.
And you know, I love my family, but
I also love my wife and I don't
know how to create that
accept the fact that you will hurt 1?
That you're not always gonna be the the
reality that you're not always gonna please everybody.
There you go. Yeah. Yeah. I think that
that's a safe that's a safe approach. That's
a safe approach. Yeah. Right. Right. I think
I I think that's a part of masculinity.
I think it's a rite of passage, you
know. Yeah. You know, knowing when to choose
mom and knowing when to because there's the
there's there's other fish in the sea, son.
Yeah. Right? Like that. Yeah. Right? As opposed
to, well,
this you know, I'm not saying this fish,
but she's definitely the one that's compatible. Right.
And just because she's not
let's just be honest. Just because she's not,
you know, Pakistani, but she may be Indian
or maybe Bengali
or because she's from Nigeria and you're from
Ghana,
that is almost irrelevant, mom. Exactly. Exactly. And
can you can you do that respectfully? Like,
you can set boundaries. Right? Sometimes, like, when
I talk to about talk to young people
about the idea of boundaries, they think it
means like, you know, being abusive towards their
parents and saying I'm setting this boundary. No,
that's not what setting boundaries means. What is
it? Setting boundaries means like knowing your principles
but being respectful to your parents as you
set those principles. Right? The the the first
generation of Islam had their boundaries. I'm not
gonna worship an idol. I'm gonna do this,
but they didn't curse their parents out while
doing that. Beautiful. Beautiful. So that that that
that's that's our example.
And and, you know, we're going to differ
with our parents. Each generation is is different.
Right? It's fun. I don't know when my
daughter is 7 months. I don't know, like,
you know, by the time she's of marriage
age, like, what the, you know, what the
environment is gonna be, what what the climate
is going to look like. My thesis in
grad school
was actually on mate selection
within a Pakistani American population. It was a
cross generational comparison.
So I was looking at what our parents
looked at, versus what we look at and
the difference in methodology. And so this is
one of those things like our parents' criteria
is very different
from our criteria. Very different. Yeah. Right. At
least within the Pakistani American population. Right? So,
they looked more for cultural compatibility where, you
know, I'm, you know, 1st generation like, you
know, I love Pakistan. I love the food,
but I identify I identify very much with,
you know, American culture as well, right? I
can quote Fresh Prince of Bel Air more
than I can quote Janae Jamshed or something,
right? So I think it's what we've seen
at least among the religious crowd crowd within
that is that they look more for religiosity
over culture. And so that's a shift that's
taken place. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So and
then the cover falls right into that. Yeah.
Because I was gonna say as American,
you know, even with, within Americans, I guess
I would say
3rd generation Americans, the cultural compatibility will kick
in as well. Yeah. Yeah. Right? You'll find
the Americans saying, man, why are you married
a Pakistani girl, man? Are you trying to
be Arab? You trying to be I've I've
seen and heard that. I think many of
the parents,
especially the, like, the the immigrant parents Yes.
That came here never thought as far as
to when their kids are gonna get married
in America. They just thought of coming here,
settling in Mhmm. And building in a life,
making some money. Did they think of who
their child is going to marry and Mhmm.
And what they're going to be looking for
in marriage, and whether they're going to be
religious or not. Let's say there were no
masajid and Islam wasn't as strong or prevalent,
and there weren't established Muslim organizations and whatnot.
And they they would have just got watered
down and they would have probably ended up
marrying someone that's not from the culture at
all. Probably not part of the religion either.
Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. But now, alhamdulillah,
with with Islam being the the common ground,
that's a blessing from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
I think, you know, a lot of parents
kind of miss out on Right. Right. On
seeing that, they just want a little bit
more, no, yeah, me, you know, you can't,
you can't grab it all, you can't you
can't have everything, you know. You moved thousands
of miles away,
and Alhamdulillah blah. I mean, this is a
beautiful thing that's taking place.
Right? Someone had said that when accepting Islam,
and and coming in, and coming into the
faith, and Subhanallah, my sister-in-law,
she married, she married a, a, a convert
mother. And Masha'Allah,
like they're doing well, and they have kids.
Bless
you. And,
and, and, and things move on.