Channel: Zohra Sarwari
Bismillah R Rahman Rahim in Alhamdulillah Hina Madhu and as the you know in a stock photo, when I would be lying we should do the and fusina woman say at the marina de la la medalla la mejor De La Hoya de la, WA Chateau en la, la la la la la sharika or shadow Anna, Mohammed Abdullah Zulu and my bad rubbish sadly, sadly, well, yes, certainly me. Dr. Melissa Annie. Yes, Coco. Lita, visit me ilma me and the name of Allah, the Most Gracious the most magnificent. Our praise is due to Allah, Lord of the universe. We praise Him and we seek His help and his forgiveness and we seek His protection from the curse Satan. Whomever Allah guides will never be misguided, and whomever he allows to
misguided will never be guided. I've ever witnessed that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah who's won a load and has no partners. And I bear witness that Muhammad Salallahu alaihe salam is a servant and Messenger May the blessings of Allah be upon him, his family, his companions, and the righteous will follow them until the day of judgment, amin a Salam aleikum, wa Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh. My dear sisters and brothers, today's topic is about five matters that make a difference when we're looking for the best spouse for ourselves. Five matters. And these matters that were brought up to me was bought to me by people who are in this industry. And I'm working with this like
with this lecture with pious hearts.com. And they've been facing a lot of different issues. And I asked them, What are the five major issues they're facing? And these were it. And so we decided to collaborate and I decided to come up with a talk for everyone. So that inshallah for everyone who's looking out there, and for everyone who's trying to find the other half, try to, you know, have some things in mind and to understand the importance of certain certain things over other things. Right. So the first point that I've been talking about is giving someone a chance, giving someone a chance.
I think we're too quick to judge upon Allah, we see we might see a resume or may see a CV and we're like, Marcia tobacco looks good. Then we see their picture, and we're not attractive. Right? And it's, I mean, obviously, physical attraction is important thing, and I'm not under minding that However, what we need to do is be able to say, Okay, wait a second, what would what conversation do? What would that conversation do with this person? Let's let's at least have one conversation to see where this may go. inshallah? You know, there was a quote that said, Take a chance, you never know how perfect something might turn out to be. So it's not everything that you think sometimes, you
know, and this is where like, when people work together, when people you know, commingle, whether it's at work, or at school, and all that, sometimes you'll see that strangest couples come out of these relationships, because it's, they came in and they became friends. And they really got to see the other side of this person. Right. And, I mean, in Islam, we don't have that we don't sit there and just chit chat with everyone and, you know, figure that but when it comes to time for marriage, and you look, this person looks like a good prospect with his sister or brother, you know, give them a chance. That's all I'm gonna ask you guys just give them a chance. You don't have to like or
dislike anything yet. You know, just take a chance and talk to them have a conversation or to press the harder and then see what it takes and inshallah
you never know, that might be your dream person. Even though don't they don't look like it from the outskirts or something doesn't look, you know, right? But give that conversation a chance. So you can see, inshallah, if this is what a lot wants. And this is what's best for you.
So this is a very important, so our profiles, one thing. And again, like I said, we can look at the profile, but you know, to get a fair concept of someone, the verbal communication has to be me, it has to be from the sister and the brother. And sometimes the profile may look really great to us. But then again, we see that picture, as I said earlier, and we're not attracted to them. So the best thing that each one of us could do is, you know, let's listen, let's talk to them see their personality and their profile and give it one or two conversations, press the Hata and this is my life. It's meant to be Alhamdulillah. It's not harmless, at least you tried and you know, there's no
If the it may be, you know, this person that you don't think is a perfect match for you in reality, it may be that he or she is upon Allah. And at this point, honestly, I'm very disappointed when people look only for looks, right?
What whether and we're looking at mostly the brothers, they're all about locks and where the sisters they're all about financial security. Right? And not all the sisters and not all
The brothers but I'm saying in general, we have this issue. And so we need to look back and beyond these things, we need to look at something deeper inshallah, right? Because let's say he has all that money right now but upon a lot and I know people like this I know people who got married for that money for that, you know status of him having that as a power law seven, eight years down the line he lost it all he had nothing. And what will you do? Will you stay with that person? And it's the same thing with a brother marrying a sister Marshall, why? Because she's cute, and she's got a nice figure right now. But after a couple of babies, she doesn't care anymore. And she's not putting
in that effort. What will you do? Will you leave her because of that. So that personality is so important that there's a connection between the two of you and that you get each other and you understand each other and you have that when everything else fades away, somehow let you have that to fall back on inshallah. So I'm going to go over a story, I'm going to read a story because I think stories are connecting the dots sometimes with the points and so I want to read the story. And I want you guys to reflect on it as I'm doing it. And I want you guys to try to think of who you think she is initialized properly getting go give it away soon, but just want you to think about it.
She was one of the novelist women around coming from a very prominent family. She was also quite beautiful and the holder of considerable amount of wealth. Being a prominent businesswoman to marry her would have been a great feat for any man, and indeed quite a few of the most prominent and wealthy men in society had asked for her hat. Yet she rejected them all. already being a widow. She had, she had lost a desire to marry again. She was also divorced, until he came into her life, who is a young man of 25. Now though he was of a noble family, he was an orphan. He was not of a man of many means. He made he had made a meager living, tending sheep in the hills surrounding the city.
Yet he had impeccable moral character, and he was widely known as one of the most honest men around. This is what attracted her to him. She was looking for someone honest, who could conduct business for her, as she a woman in a fiercely patriarchal society could not do it herself. So she started working, so he started working for her. After he came back from his first business trip, she asked her servant whom she had slept with him about him and his conduct. The servant amazed by her, amazed her by his report, this young man was the kindest, gentlest man he had ever met. Never did he treat the servant harshly, as many others do. Yet there was more. As they traveled in the heat of the
desert, the servant noticed that a cloud had followed them the entire time, shading them from the blazing sun. The business woman was quite impressed with her new employee. Not only that, but this new employee proved to be an astute businessman in his own right. He took his employer's merchandise, sold it and with the profits bought other merchandise that he sold again, this profiting twice all this was enough for her the embers of love in her heart that were once extinguished, became rekindled again. And she resolved to marry this young man who's 15 younger than her. So she sent her sisters this young man, she asked him, Why are you not married yet? He said,
her lack of means, what if I could offer you a wife of nobility, beauty and walk? Would you be interested? She told him? He replied in the affirmative. When she mentioned her sister, the young employee chuckled in amazement. How can I marry her? She has turned down the most noble men in the city, much wealthier and prominent than me, a poor Shepherd, he said, Don't you worry, the sister replied, I'll take care of it. Not long after the wealthy businessman, businesswoman married her young employee, and it was the beginning of one of the most loving, happiest and sacred marriages in all of human history. Who are they? The Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam, and had the job
meant hoilett, the daughter of hoilett, when they were married, the Prophet sallallahu ala son was only 25 years old, and had ijarah de la when I was 40. Yet that did not bother the Prophet sallallahu Sallam one bit. He loved her so deeply, and she loved him as deeply. They were married for 25 years.
And she bought him six children, two sons and four daughters. Both the sons died in a young age, had Elijah was a source of immense love, strength and comfort for the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam, and he leaned heavily on this love and support on the most important time of his life. So I want you guys to reflect here upon a lot today. What we're looking for is the opposite. We're not looking at character. We're not looking at, you know, conversations. We're not looking at deeper stuff. We're looking at the really on the outskirt. What will fit us Is he good luck.
Is she beautiful? Is he this issue that does he have a good career good money? Does she have this? Does she? Can she cook good? We're not looking at something way beyond that going. So Paula, what if all of this is gone? And at the end, we only have each other? Can we live with each other like that? Or is this materialistic world? This? You know, fakeness around us? Is that why we're living? Is that why we're getting married? For looks? And you know, beauty and status? Or is it something deeper? So I can reflect on this and shallow? Where are you in your life? And what would you do? Okay, so number two, the second point I want you guys to go over is setting realistic goals.
Everyone's trying to go for Superman or a supermodel. Right? And they don't exist, my dear sisters and brothers, they are in Ghana. inshallah, that's the waiting for us in general, not in the dunya personality plays a big role. You can be pretty, but you can be bitter in life. And also that outside beauty doesn't last forever. And there'll always be someone prettier, or someone more handsome, or someone with a nicer body. So recently, I was speaking to a client of mine, and he said something very wise. He said, personality is key to me. Soon we'll both get wrinkles and gain weight. And all we'll have is our personalities. All we have is each other. And if we get along, and
we have fun together, then upon a low we'll be happy to. We're old. But if we don't have that, and we're married for the other items, then we won't be happy. We may end up in a divorce. So Pamela, my dear sisters and brothers. How can you tell if you get along? If you don't even give that person a chance? For one conversation? How? While you're reflecting on this, I want to share with you a true story. And this was shared with me a while ago by a friend and Subhanallah it was it's quite sad, but it is true. It's called inner beauty versus outer beauty as salaam aleikum, Mahmoud, what's going on? It's been five years since I saw you last night walaikum salam rahmatullah wa barakaatuh
Nothing much. I had just been busy. Have you been said Muhammad? I haven't been I've been great. Last month Allah has blessed me with a wonderful wife shortly after I finished college and now I have two beautiful daughters Mashallah, I have a good job as an engineer and I'm teaching Quran on Sundays to the kids of Islamic school. hamdulillah How are you? I heard you got married to Mashallah. Tell me what happened. So, yeah, I got married. I got married to the most beautiful girl in the city of Kandahar. Every man wanted to marry her. Her father requested that who ever wants to marry his daughter must pay $20,000 cash to the family. I thought she must not be that pretty. So I
went to see for myself. When I went back home to visit. The family met my family members upon a lot of when I went back home to visit her family members. I saw it for myself. So Pamela, the rumors are true. I have never seen anyone more beautiful than her. light skin, green eyes, dark hair slim. She could have been a supermodel. I knew once I saw her that she was the one I had to have.
My desires and egos would not let me let her get away. So I told her dad, that I'll pay him 5000 as a deposit so that he may not give her 21 offs, and that I would bring the other 15,000 within a month. And he agreed. He let her see me. And she agreed. And I felt that I was the luckiest man on earth. However, that was only the beginning. Her father told me that she too had a list of requests that I would have to fulfill those as well. He said that that was her my list. I said okay, let me hear it. She said she has never worked. She said she he said that she has never worked a day in her life and the kitchen or clean. She needed a maid and a cook after she got married to have the same
lifestyle. She also said she wanted a nanny for the kids whenever she had any. And she wanted a nice big beautiful home and an allowance of about $1,000 a month for her own personal use. Once again, I agreed. I could not say no to her. She was so beautiful. I would give her anything she wanted some
martial law seems like a fairy tale. You always said you'd marry someone for her looks and I'm so happy for you. So do you guys have any children now as
my dear I have my it went. It is far from my fairy tale. Yes, we do have two children, one boy and one girl. However, the travels began after marriage said he sighed and he became silent for more
He looked down and he looked very sad. troubles. What troubles Is everything okay said Aha. And hamdulillah it is now. But I went through four years of hell, my dear brother, that is 14 161 days of how on earth If you only knew said Mahmoud, please tell me what happens that I have met. Well, you see, I might I married her for her looks, the most beautiful woman. But I should have listened to the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam, and married a woman for her Deen. You see, I've been working three jobs just to meet all of her demands for a maid, a cook a nanny and everything else you want. I've never had time to enjoy being with her. All I've done is work about 18 hours a
day to make her happy. But she never cared to make me happy. When I was not working, all she did was complain about what she did not have. Paula. Every day I thought what a terrible decision I made to marry her, and how much I wish I could change it. However, I have now two kids with her, and I knew it was far too late for me. I felt doomed and depressed.
As he sighed again and took a long deep breath.
staffer law. I'm so sorry to hear that my brother, it seems that your marriage has some serious issues. So how are you fixing it?
Well, I fixed it. After four years of torture. I spoke to several Imams and told them that my deal was falling apart because of this marriage. Before my marriage. I used to pray five times a day at the masjid. I used to attend the Friday night Holocaust. I used to volunteer on the weekends. After marriage. I couldn't do anything but be a slave to this woman. That your mom told me I had a right to ask for a divorce. If she was keeping me from my Dean, and making me to be a slave to her. They told me that I could not be a slave to a woman, but only a slave to Allah. As hard as it was for me to do this to my children. I realized it was the best thing to do. So I asked her for a divorce. She
asked to be sent back home to Kandahar, to be with her parents. As much as I did not want to be far away from my kids. I did as she asked. I would have my kids, I would have my kids come for the summer.
I want to have my kids come for the summer, and I would visit them twice a year in Afghanistan. It's only been three months since my divorce. And I've never been happier. And back to one job praying five times at the masjid and have a simple lifestyle. I'm even taking classes of the dreams right now. hamdulillah said Muhammad upon a life that stories like this only happened in the movies. I never thought in reality woman could be that way, even if they were so beautiful. What do you think was the lesson here? What advice would you give other brothers who are looking to marry the most beautiful woman as
I tell to all of the brothers to never marry for Lux to marry a righteous girl for her Deen to not be arrogant or shallow. And to remember that happiness is when both people in the marriage think about making each other happy. It's a win win relationship, not a one way relationship inshallah, that inner beauty is more beautiful than the outer beauty that the one who follows the path of Islam will always know the true meaning of happiness versus the woman who is following her desires in this world. She'll be in an illusion of happiness and nothing will truly make her or her husband happy. Said Muhammad. Mashallah wa said my brother. I'm very happy of the lesson that you've learned and
how you're helping your brothers by telling them about the true beauty is mela always keep you happy and he bless you with a righteous wife who has inner beauty that glows from her face. I mean, my dear brother it looks like the mom is here and Salah is about to start so let's go make will do and get ready said yeah, let's go and get ready my favorite time of day said mama Liberty smile. So my dear sisters and brothers I want you to think of the story in conclusion of the story. I want all of you guys to know that this is based on a true story. It's a reality. It's Paula many sisters and brothers fall for the beauty for the trap of beauty and handsomeness. They think that if their
spouse is good looking, then everything else will be perfect inshallah. Wrong. Sisters, think about it. Think about what truly matters at the end. I know as a mother for kids that I only want righteous believers to marry my children. inshallah. I want you guys to think about your children,
your sisters, your family members and ask yourself at the end of the day, what is important, what is not.
I remember another story of a young brother asking for a sister's hand was beautiful martial and she said yes. Several months later after they were engaged and about to get married. This young lady got into a car accident and she came up in very bad shape. She was a laser gel tested her with removing her
locks and other parts of her bodies. So she was handicapped and someone Her face was scarred. Her beauty was no longer there. Immediately, immediately after the brother saw her and came to the hospital, he broke off the marriage, the engagement was gone. He didn't marry her. Therefore, each one of us needs to think what is valuable to us when we're approaching marriage, and we should take the advice of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, and marry the one who has the best character and Deen so that if we are tested with a situation like that, then inshallah, we're going to still be there for each other because it's going to be what's inside that matters, not on the outside only.
Okay, step number three, have the intention to get married. have the intention, this matters tremendously. Please do not sign up with these matrimonial sites or websites or matchmaking sites or apps, if you're not ready. If you're, if you're not serious, if you're playing around. Please don't do that. Don't play with people's feelings. giving false hope is wrong. If you're going through a difficult transition, and you aren't ready to get married, or you know you're having issues but you haven't fixed them and you haven't gone through this properly, and you just want to find someone else. Because you you know in a rough spot, don't do it. First, get through what you're going
through, and then get married inshallah, get married for the right intentions. And don't hurt other people's feelings. Whether that's sisters or brothers. Please respect that. I mean, we wouldn't want it to happen to us. So don't do 20 on us.
Okay, step number four, be honest.
This is massive, massive, massive, be honest, please do not lie, period. The truth will always come out. It's wrong on so many levels. The Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam said, beware of lying for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to hell. And this can we find the book of Buhari and Muslim? We need to remember this, it's not worth it. Whoever you are, whatever you are, how much you are spent a lot, it is enough for many people. It is enough for and when that right person comes inshallah, you will get to be with them inshallah. And that's what counts.
The Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam also said, when a person tells a lie, the bad smile that comes out of the lie, keeps the angels away, about a mile away. And this can be found the book of tirmidhi. So guys really think about it, it's not worth starting a relationship on lies and dishonesty.
Okay, so I want to talk about
one more little story. And I want you guys to think about the story in a different way. Because each story has its own, you know, less than too much other radical. So a great man of leadership and power, loving a smart and beautiful young woman, and she loved them back. They had the real thing they had love and romance, their true happiness. Despite his enormous responsibilities, he always find time, he always found time for laughter and kind words of affection. He raised with her she won and he made a fuss about it A while later, and later on, she gained some weight and he raised her again. This time he won and said while she was laughing, this makes us even. She was smart. She was
funny, kind wise and he treated her as an equal. And when he was asked, Who is the most love? Who Who is the most you love? And he replied by saying her name. Then he was asked Who is the most love of man? And he replied, by saying her father, not the man's name. The leader found time for the little things. He said turn her glass of water around, searching for the traces of her lips to drink after her. She used to cut his hair and groom him. They would kiss before he would leave the house and he bought her presence. on an expedition she was with him and she lost her necklace. So he stopped the entire army to look for it. He used her nickname everywhere and all the time, he was not
shy to show his affection towards her in the most respecting and honoring way. He forgave her jealous nature and flaws and made excuses for her. At the end, he died on her lap after promising her that they will rejoin in in agenda inshallah. She never said a bad word about him during his life or after his death and stayed faithful to Him until the time of death. This is a true love story of Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam with his wife, he showed the lohana what we would
what would we give to have that formula? But wait, my dear sisters and brothers we can have that. It's the Islamic household that makes this a reality.
people join together to share love and compassion, having the same goals and objectives of finding true happiness in this life. And the one after and establishing a new, true Muslim generation shala.
It's like reflection, you know, compassion, kindness, mercy, finding time for each other. All of this is massive in a relationship.
Okay, and the last step, I'm going to go over with you guys today. And the last thing that matters that makes a difference when you're looking for a surviving spouse is don't change for them. Don't change for them. Don't change for anyone. If you want to change and you want to be a better person, and you want to be change your life and do things the right way. That's one way to do it. But do it for Allah azza wa jal do not do it to impress our sister or brother. Because the second you get into a fight or a disagreement, you will not keep up with it. And also don't think that you can change anyone else. I get this question asked me all the time. Should I marry this person? They don't wear
his job now. But they said they're gonna wear in the future. And I'm like, if you really want to hijabi then no, Mary hijabi. If you really want someone who has a beard, then marry someone who has a beard. If you really want someone who's in ecobee they marry and ecobee don't expect people to change it to get Yes, Marsha baccala people have good intentions, but Subhan Allah marry them when they're ready. Not when they're trying to get ready because sometimes upon law,
they don't get to that. And I know so many marriages, so many. The minimal marriages, yes, the marshal, right they do do it that a small number, a large number enough, they don't. And it ends up causing divorce, and other fights and other issues. And then people actually the people who are practicing because their spouse never start practicing, they start not practicing, they start leaving that way as well. So it's very dangerous grounds. And so I always say obviously prayers, the hotter ask Allah for guidance, and that's the most important thing always ask Allah for guidance on every single you know, prospect that comes to inshallah, but I get married them where you're at your
level, don't expect them to be at your level. And if they're not ready, and that's going to take them a long time and you're not ready, it will cause more conflict than you need. You know, Allah azza wa jal says in Surah rot, verse number 11, Allah will not change the condition the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And sometimes this takes a while, and sometimes some people never get to Allah, they never get to it. So you want to be where if you have certain expectations, certain rights, you know, get married, in that don't expect people to change whether they're sisters or brothers, and whether you know, you know, they're leaving things or they're gonna
change, are they going to quit drinking? Or are they going to quit, you know, worrying this or that, just marry them where you want to be inshallah, and you'll be happy with that.
So inshallah I hope that this lecture was beneficial and that you guys were able to get some knowledge out of it.
It's definitely been exciting for me to work with pious hearts calm and to recommend them to others because I think they're doing an amazing job. And I think
my shot the watercolor, they're trying their best to help sisters and brothers, you know, find their other half so if you're looking and you want to get rid of a headache and not look for the person yourself and get someone else to help you join them at pious hearts.com go to the internet I mean to their website, check them out, do some research, praise the horror. And then see you never know what Allah has planned for you shala right so panic alarm Allah Hama what we have the guest shed on lella Hill and a Stafford aka white to blue lake how perfect You are a lot and I praise you. None has the right to be worshipped except you. I seek your forgiveness and turn in repentance to you. Just
sokola Hydra and a Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh