Zaynab Ansari – Practical Advice on Wedding and Honeymoon Planning

Now on the issue of income, I have

to say this that,

and this is also a message to brothers

that

when,

a brother comes to propose marriage, right, and

you begin to discuss the expectations for wedding

and Waleema and honeymoon and all those kinds

of things,

you want to to see that the brother

regards this as something special

that he should ideally have saved up for

and should be willing to put some money

into.

Based upon his socioeconomic

status. Right? So taking that into account,

you want to see that this person

Insha'Allah

is putting some thought and effort into this.

So let me just say this,

the wedding that a brother from a very

wealthy family can provide is going to be

very different from the wedding that a brother

from a working class family can provide. Just

accept that. And I think one of the

mistakes that we make is kind of like

keeping up with the well, the Muslim version

of the Joneses. Right? Keeping up with the

Khans or whatever.

Just because

that family, for example, had their wedding

at a lavish hotel,

doesn't mean that that necessarily sets the standard

for all Muslim weddings in that particular community.

So I just really wanna put that out

there that

we have to make sure that, you know,

that,

we have to look at the expectations that

each party brings in and understand that the

type of event

that's that's sort of conceived,

that it really does sort of take into

account

what a family from this background

can reasonably provide and what also makes it

special. That based upon their background, what is

special in their book? Right? What is special

or valuable in their culture? We need to

think about that. And then related to that

sisters, I have to say there are also

a few red flags, a few sticking points

in this conversation

that we do need to think about. So

and I would say that no matter what

the brother's background is, if his idea of

a wonderful honeymoon destination is motel 6, you

might wanna move on. Now

theoretically,

there's nothing wrong with motel 6, but what

I'm the point I'm trying to get across

sisters is that

you want

some indication from the brother, no matter his

background, that you are special to him

and the life that you foresee,

living together

is worth investing in.

And on that note, I have to say

another thing too.

A lot of going back to the conversation

of Mahar, sometimes we will tell ourselves that

if I ask

for a very very very humble Mahar,

it is, indicative of my piety. Right? And

I've heard this from sisters that asking a

brother for a Mahar

that

we know is lowballing it and we know

that he's able to do more, it just

means we're both so pious we don't even

care about it. The mistake with that though,

and people will often cite the Sahaba when

they talk about this. Well, problem number 1,

we're not the Sahaba. Problem number 2, they

lived in a pre modern economy

that was radically and drastically different from what

we know today. And then in a a

third point sisters is that,

and this is no offense to the brothers,

but sometimes

if a man knows that he kind of

got you on the cheap,

sometimes

it might dictate how he

approaches things later on in the marriage. For

example, if you need new furniture

or if you need clothing

or the children, you know, there's something that

you need to pay for for the kids,

things that you want them to have,

and do you think they're really important for

their development and their educational growth? But then

he says, well, you know, remember

our understanding when we first got married that,

you know, we don't really need to be

thinking about dunya.

Okay, sisters. Let me just say that to

you that you have

to try to find

the, you know, try to find the the

middle ground here between extravagance and just being

ostentatious and lavish,

and in a

sense,

sort of settling for for too little. Right?

That

no matter the brother's background, you want again,

you want to see some good faith signs

that he believes that you and your future

together are definitely worth investing

in.