Channel: Zaid Shakir
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All right. First, we have some resources here of great assistance in maintaining a healthy environment in your home. And in putting your heart in a state of Sakina is the core end. So you can get free core en with English translation, oral translation at www core en explorer explore.com. If you can see that we'll leave it up here. There's www core an explorer.com. That's what it made this for us, you don't have to stretch it. Then we have here an MCA we have marriage counseling program by professional Muslim marriage counselors. So one resource is Komal
sharabi. And I think I had a website for him. Okay, yeah, right here. And he can be accessed at www mmca Bay area.org slash counseling.
So you can get in touch with Dr. Kemal
Kemal sharabi and the Jews, Jude batana.
Who can be reached at 408-410-3192 I there's another resource and if you know, a family in crisis, then let's put this up here. Then you can
reach out for help at www. Peaceful
So again, www peaceful families.org they specialize in domestic violence. So if you know anyone who's being abused psychologically, physically, verbally, in ways that are not only unacceptable by Islamic standards, but by standards of general human decency, then you can get in touch with www peaceful families.org which is a Muslim organization. Again, professional Muslims. There are a couple of books that I will recommend. One is roquet awareness. Maqsood, a British convert to Islam. She has a book called The Muslim marriage guide for married people and people who are considering marriage. This is a very wonderful resource and other resources. Local couple here at Chrome, a
chrome and Mohammed Bashir, blissful marriage. So those are two books I would recommend. We talked about alternative ways of thinking and non materialistic terms. These things can be made into reality. Jesse Jackson, he's go for rhyming.
But what Jesse said is very insightful. One of his rhymes. And I think all of us you really live by this. He said, If your heart
if your mind can conceive it, and your heart can believe it, I know you can achieve it.
And there's a lot of insight to repeat if your mind can conceive it, and your heart can believe it. I know you can achieve it. So when we began to think of better marriages, better relationships, stronger communities, if we can begin to conceive the reality of that, and our conceptions, informed by the standards and principles, and teachings of our religion, and our hearts can sincerely believe that that's possible. There's nothing to prevent us from achieving that. So having said that, let's let's, we left off at money matters. There are a few very, I think insightful things here. So if you turn in your booklet, to page
11 and 12
page 11 and 12
I'm sorry, just page 12 alone being Money Smart
and consider these things. So page 12. We read? Do you make monthly and weekly budgets and stick with them? answer yes or no.
You can say maybe
this is a zero sum endeavor. Do you have annual financially related goals? For example, taking a vacation making a certain investment? Making a major purchase, such as a new car? Yes or no?
Do you have financial goals for and obviously this is relevant whether you're married single, do you have financial goals for the next decade? For example, starting a business moving career changes? Going back to school to retool?
Yes, you know,
forth. Fourthly, do you have financial lifetime financial goals? For example, retirement plans, thoughts on leaving something to your children, etc? Yes or no?
So assessment of this? If you answered no to most of these questions, do you do not, you have not rather adequately adequately considered these issues, and you probably have money problems in your marriage, because managing your money, and making financial plans are not priorities for you. So some of you might say it is a priority if you're not doing these things. on a monthly annual
five year plan 10 year plan lifetime career is not a priority. Is that simple.
Now, while this state may be wonderful for the Zed, so the Zed, one who's divorced themselves from all worldly attachment and needs, this is the way they live. But most people, unfortunately are not so had or not diversity from the world. So in normal cases, lack of adequate financial planning usually wrecks marriages. That's simple. So brothers and sisters, whether you're married, you're single stop planning, start planning rather, we mentioned personal personal Ted beer nice, full marisha. Good planning is half of your livelihood. So under Salalah, halacha, tire, Fenton, read 7.2 read those things. 7.2.
In other words, don't live just to do the things necessary to make money. I people or person use the who's in a situation. Get up in this area five in the morning, we mentioned this yesterday scenario, drive from Tracy, California to San Francisco,
like to two hours battling traffic bumper to bumper traffic, going to work all day getting off babbling traffic for two and a half or two hours to get back home. Once you get home, running off to your night course to get your MBA at Phoenix University, going home exhausted, no time to really pick up the car, no time to pick up a sofa, make some thicker, no time to think and contemplate on a law in no time to even memorize two verses from the core and no time to just sit and reflect on the nature of this life.
All of that someone will say well, I'm doing it so I can help the dean. No, usually we're doing that. So we can live in this world. So we can manage and pay bills and save money and etc.
Those are laudable goals, but not at the expense of our religion. Sometimes we have to step back. And when we step back, we find we're able to get by with less. Because we're not making that two and a half hour commute. We're not spending 500 a month on gas.
So we can make do with a lower paying job.
Because we're satisfied to live in a humble house. We don't have to move out to Tracy was the only place we can afford a big five bedroom house. With the four bathrooms we refer to earlier. We don't need it because we're content with the humble house we have in San Leandro
so we don't have to move out there because you don't have to move out there. We don't have to make the company
Because we don't need that house, we don't need the job that requires us working in San Francisco, as opposed to working even at our local footlocker or something. So we have to really sometimes, look what we can do to strike a balance. So we give some time for our Dean, and we give some time from for our, for our dounia.
Number two, Fenton,
are you ready?
If you don't need new shoes, don't buy new shoes just because some new funky shoes came out that look like Genie shoes, the toes are curled up, we could ship some to you from Pakistan for $2. You don't need to buy them for $90 at foot buffet or whatever,
we'll get a shipment from Pakistan, they even have sparkles on them, we have gold or silver with red trim. So you don't have to spend your money.
Well is that
I'm telling you, you can get a lot of stuff, then package them for $2. I mean, that's the price of the day. So seriously, if you don't need it, don't buy it. If your old suit is you're worn out, and it has wide lapels, and everyone's wearing narrow lapels, Buck the trend, you know, going with your wide lapels and say someone says you suppose a narrow lapel, you say, well, you're supposed to have the $200 you spent on that suit in your bank account.
I guarantee you, they won't come back with anything.
If you don't need it, don't buy it, you're off center number three.
So find ways to encourage cultivating trust between you and your spouse. This is one way. So you might have separate savings account, have a joint checking account, which forces you to plan and coordinate and discuss your expenditures, Hello, fincen.
the times of financial stress are more severe, around tax time, especially
around tax time, and be especially mindful of
the stress of those times.
So sometimes when we have financial stresses, those are the times that provide an opening for Satan for shaytaan. To come into our lives and start to wreak havoc in our relationships. So be especially mindful of those times by planning for them, say tax time is coming is going to be stressful. Let's make sure that we put some money aside to make sure we're able to pay our taxes. So let's start planning now six months out by putting money aside because we know we're going to have to pay, because that's just the way it's been going the last few years. But let's not let this become stressful for us. Alright, number five.
Know that there's a pregnancy, don't wait till the baby comes in, then figure out how to pay for everything. Start at the very beginning, you have nine months to get ready. Don't wait to day one after the baby's born. And then oh, we have to pay for this. And we have to pay for that we have to buy this we have to buy that. Take advantage of the nine months and carefully plan. put money aside. So it's not stressful. The same thing. Don't wait for your the baby to get five, six year old and then how are we going to pay for Islamic school? Start planning during those five years start or six years before the baby goes to school. Start putting money aside from day one. So when the time
comes, you're ready. And the same thing for college. Take advantage of those 12 years before college. If you're putting 12 months in a year, 12 years of schooling. So if you're putting aside $100 a month, $50 a month for 12 months over the course of 12 years and if you invest that money, it's going to be a significant sum. But if you wait until the last minute, oh college Oh, well. We'll send them to
what you mentioned corporate T and Cupertino. What's the Community College over there?
Dance Yeah, we'll send them to D
Answer you know, and then in two years, we'll save up our money and send them to UC Berkeley, or Stanford, you could save the money over the years, and he went straight to UC Berkeley or straight to Stanford, as opposed to deanza. There's nothing wrong with deanza. I actually like it as a nice campus. And I'm trying to find out where they got those trailers from too, because we could use some, no mistakes.
Understand that arguments over money usually cover up deeper problems in a marriage and try to get to the root issue.
Okay, so when usually when people are arguing over money, there are deeper problems. And the arguments over money are really rooted in those deeper problems.
So it behooves us to try to get to the root of the deeper problems.
Okay, so usually money arguments are rooted in deeper problems. So don't allow that argument to disguise the fact that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed, try to identify those issues. If those issues are taken care of, it becomes a lot easier to do with the financial stresses. So from here, we move forward to
make love not war. So you want to end up like these little love birdies right here.
And you don't want to end up stressed out you want to be too blessed to be stressed. So yes, too blessed to be stressed. A lot Tyler mentions in Quran which Allah the newcomer what the Waterman the fee that the area to homea affect Quran, Allah tala says he's made between the man and woman love and mercy, surely in this science for people who reflect so the challenge for us married people is keeping the love alive. Because or, or very acting on the love. Because people when they're arguing and fighting, even when they divorce if you ask them you still love her? Yes, I do. Do you still love them? Yes, I still love him, but we just can't live together. So it's very important for us to
understand how to keep that love. productive. So when it when it when the divorces the arguments, the tension set in the love is still there. But the love is not productive is not producing the fruits that love should produce. And one of the things that's needed to keep it productive is mercy. A law said he's made love with jalapeno Kuma wet their veranda and he's very Mercy. Mercy is the key ingredient to keep love productive. And all merci His mercy is a willingness to sacrifice
for the object of the person or for the person for the sake of the person you're showing mercy to. So when we say
that mother bird who
sacrificed her life defending her young against the fox that it climbed up the tree and was trying to eat the baby birds and the mother vert fought the fox and he ended up eating her
that she say she was merciful. She was willing to sacrifice her life for the sake of those babies. She goes out and gathers things all day flies back to the nest working all day. To feed them is mercy. It involves the sacrifice of time, and involve the sacrifice of energy. So mercy always involves a sacrifice. And if we're key if we keep the spirit of sacrifice alive, if we're willing to give up something for the person we love for the people we love, then the love will stay productive. So the mercy is very important. A lot of Thailand mentions for Hillel akula Austria Morocco sila Nisa, eco hoonah Nisa Lachman Hoon alabaster la come when truly bass hula home so a lot of times it
says lawful for you on the nights of the fast is the approach to your wives. They are garments for you and your garments from for them. Again, this is an expression of intimacy. So the husband and wife they should fit together like a glove in a hand
as an intimate relationship, but they should also be a source of protection clothing. So handily bathroom
laocoon they're sort of, they're like a garment for you a garment also protects. So they should be a source of protection for each other, not a source of insecurity, a source of mutual strength for each other. So that's a function of a garment it protects, protects you from the rays of the sun. It protects you from the code of the air, it protects you from the heat of the environment. It protects you from the harsh elements. So the men and the woman should be a source of mutual protection, our garment also beautifies
a garment adorns and beautifies so they should the man and woman the husband and wife should purify each other.
Even friends, if you're not married, you have friends, you should try to beautify your friends, make them a more beautiful person. as Muslims we should strive to be beautiful people
in the law, hi Jimmy, you have your hipbones man, Allah is beautiful, he loves beauty. So he loves his beautiful servants. He loves beauty in his servants. We should try to be those kinds of servants and the law hat iE vonleh Yakubu Illa
Allah is good and pure. He only loves that which is good impure. We should try to be good impure and then being good impure. We shouldn't defile ourselves with behavior that's ugly. How many of you heard the expression he's acting ugly? Anyone heard that? Nobody somebody? I don't think they said anymore. We used to say he's like
he's sub of exactly how ugly.
We shouldn't be people that act ugly. We should be people that act beautifully. We should be people that don't defile ourselves with base unbecoming behavior. We should be people who don't stoop to reciprocate nastiness with nastiness.
We should reciprocate nastiness with beauty
let us the will have sirna Tula say here it's five bility here acid sir isn't the bainer kawabe know who I doubt can know who else do you own HMI whenever you look for her in London or Saba who when you lock power that you lock car whenever you lock in Lego hub then of him so he good and evil are not equal.
One way they're not equal is
and with the loss upon what he loves the good he hates evil
it fidelity he acid respond to evil and vileness with that which is best
and unexpected. The this either in Arabic is called either Fujairah iya.
Those of you in the Arabic intensive you're going to get this later in the summer, either Fujairah ear the sudden the either have unexpected consequences. There is that lady bayonet carabiner and suddenly, unexpectedly, you will find the one between whom you and he there was emnity can know who I knew and Hamming become as it was an intimate friend. Why is it unexpected again, because we're used to thinking in material terms of someone
before as expressing vile thoughts about me they don't like me. So no matter what I say it's not going to affect them. But a lot honestly is no you do what's better. I'll take care of the rest. With the law. Anything's easy. So unexpected. I'll give you an example. September 11. If you're in the United States, most Muslims were like us all over now. Right? These people then be shooting us down in the streets. I'm packing up and leaving. And then once you got up enough courage to go to work the next day.
Anyone here yet? I'm going in an hour early. I'm gonna beat everyone in. I'll wait and then they'll come in.
Oh, I'm doing you Okay, you know having any problems are you? You need any help? Oh, sister, Fatima, you want me to come to to the store with you? You know, I'll go do your groceries. Don't worry. You don't have to go out I'll take care of everything for you. Like,
Oh, can you come to our church and tell everyone about Islam? We need to understand your religion. Can you send someone Do you know someone? Right?
Why? Because a lot of time is in control not us.
If we're in control, the worst would have happened. Oh, no, it's all over.
But a lot of time is in control. And a lot can flip the script as they say. They then let the banner kawabe know who I dealt with. Suddenly, unexpectedly, you will find the one between whom you and he those great him that he become, as it were, and an intimate friend, when they're your locker, her inland letting you know, Sabo, when may you call her in love will have the Navin and this state
of being able to do that, because it's difficult. Someone is abusive and acting really nasty and you respond at a higher level, it's not easy. So this state and then the ability, the state to have that confidence in a law that if I do what you asked me to do, then I'm confident you'll give me what you're promising
only comes to those who patiently persevere Well, now you're locked. In lella, Dana Farber, who won a law in law who have the Navin, it only comes to those who have a bountiful portion of spiritual resolve. So the men and woman they're a source of protection. They're a source of adornment. They're a source of complementarity, the the garment complements the body.
So it's custom made to conform to a particular body at doing humanitarian work Hyrule materi has a lot of saleha. So the whole world is something to be lawfully enjoyed. And the best enjoyment in it is a virtuous woman. And for a woman, a virtuous man,
that's the best enjoyment in this world. So if we understand these teachings of the religion, and we internalize them, and we commit ourselves to what they represent, then it becomes easy to make love, not war, and our relationships.
So what are some problems that affects the ability to be intimate, and what are some of their cures, and this is very important, because a lot of marriages, they break down, because there's no intimacy between the man and the woman, they get into a rut. And they're not like these little birdies, they don't have
healthy, intimate relationship. One big one is childhood sexual abuse. And it happens the most.
I know many Muslims that were abused. And these aren't converts, many Muslims from Muslim cultures that were sexually abused as children. And as a result, they have a very difficult time being intimate with their spouses. So that is a reality.
This could be the cure for that or to help or cure, in addition to a deep relationship with a lot of talent is professional counseling, to work through the issues that that person has to work through. And some people are very sincere, and they try to be good spouses, but they are just damaged and scarred by childhood experiences that won't allow them to open up, don't allow them to move beyond their fears. And this is a reality. We don't like talking about it. In our community. And historically, there's been a lot of denial around this issue, but is to reality and reality that we need to confront head on. Because as Muslims, we should be about solving problems, and not about
sweeping them under the love under the rug under the love. See, it's in my head.
Lack of affection in general. So a general environment of affection creates an environment that's conducive to intimacy. So if the general environment there is no
time the couple they don't take time to whisper those sweet little nothings into each other's ears throughout the day.
Yeah, I know about that. They're not taking time to create an atmosphere
of affection. Then when when they try to really get intimate, it becomes very difficult because the atmosphere isn't conducive everything we do.
occurs in a context and if the context is not conducive to the particular situation, the relevant situation is difficult to succeed. So the cure for that is the need for a romantic attitude towards marriage. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a romantic
and incured he encouraged romanticism amongst his companions. So, brothers and sisters, especially brothers, brothers, you should be romantic warriors.
You should be romantic warriors, brothers.
You shouldn't just be like the ogre we were talking about yet.
The grout the Grump, you should be romantic. You come home from work. And it's it's you create a atmosphere in your home conducive to romanticism. How are you, my beloved?
How have your day been?
so corny. Mash a pie in your face.
You know what I'm talking about the property play with his wives, he had races with them. He encouraged his companions to be romantic. He encouraged them to create a mood that encouraged love and affection. A lot of time, this is a real problem. A lot of people, they just don't have time, for romance, for intimacy, for anything. That's the reality. So the honeymoons over and then they get into the rut of the day to day routine and going about their business. And they slowly start drifting apart, not because the love isn't there, because the time is in there. Oh, she's working, he's working. And he's going to get the kids and she's going to take them here and shopping and this
and that. And the other and before you know it.
Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months, and then there's a gap that develops between them. So when that starts to happen,
it might come down to making a schedule and then sticking to it, this is our time, and no one gets this time. So a time to just go to the park together. So every Friday after Juma we're going to the park
and no with each other.
I'm not going to the park with the brothers to play basketball, or soccer. I'm going to the park with you.
And and stick to it. And this is our night, and nothing comes between us. And sometimes it comes down to that. And if you don't do that, then the days turn into the weeks and the week turn into the month. And before you know it, you have a serious crisis in your marriage, because then everything is accentuated. So the little friction over here becomes big friction. It even ignites into flame, you know a lot of friction equals flame, it becomes a flaming problem, a little disagreement over here becomes a huge argument. And the root of it is there is no intimacy in the relationship. And a lot of times because this happens, but it's not widespread, it does happen.
This happens a lot. But this really happens with the work and the school and the part time job and the responsibilities in the community. And it happens so we have to combat it. If we don't come that we can hit a lot of icebergs. Oh, this is global warming, there are no more icebergs, we can hit a lot of rocks,
failure to communicate
about the things that turn you off from your spouse. So over time, once the romanticism
isn't cultivated, once the honeymoon and all that is worn off,
a failure to communicate the things then we start to see the things we don't like. So we're all in love at first.
Everything's good. It's all good as they say. Then as the love starts to become more normalized, so it's not sensationalized. We start to see some negative things. Or as the living together cohabitating starts to reveal certain things we didn't notice when we weren't living together. Some things will turn one or the other of the spouse off. I don't like the way you should.
I don't like whatever.
And that has to be communicated. Sometimes those things aren't expressed. Sometimes they're not listened to, well, one way or another, they're not communicated. And the breakdown in communications against creates an atmosphere of tension that magnifies minor problems. So it's very important to communicate those things by talking openly about problems, both inside and outside of the bedroom. If something turns you off, in either realm is very important to communicate those things. Here's a big one, intimacy, seen only as a means of baby making.
huge problem. Because what happens if intimacy is only connected to baby making?
one or two things?
If baby making doesn't happen, then the party one or two party loses interest and being intimate and the lack of intimacy undermines the relationship. So two or three years, there's no babies.
Then, what good are what what are we for each other?
They you love each other. Give it time. How long Ibrahim waited it center.
or second consequence, once the babies come, especially the son, couple daughters, there's still a lot of desire for intimacy. Got the son, call us. It's all over. I could retire now.
And then the relationship you lose is is sweetness. So intimacy
should not be seen as the means to make babies. babies come from Allah subhanho wa Taala. intimacy should be seen as a means towards being one of the things that helps us sustain a very loving, and intimate, romantic relationship. And the babies Allah gives the whomsoever He pleases.
And this is very, very important in terms of maintaining an atmosphere conducive to
romance. A big huge problem, especially here in the West. People in a desert don't have the internet. So they don't have access to pornography. But here in the West, and increasingly in the east, the cities even in the desert,
people have access to computers, and the most visited websites in the world of pornographic websites. pornography is one of the most destructive forces in terms of destroying the intimacy between a man and a woman for a number of reasons.
In terms of combating pornography, know that it is haram
pornography D humanizes
it dehumanizes the users the overwhelming majority of which are males and a dehumanize the people involved in its production.
And for that reason, it is haram because a lot of Tyler mentioned in the Quran, what are called columna Benny Adam, with a noble the human being, and the human being that a lot Tyler's in noble is dehumanized and denormalized if you will, by such a filthy and unbecoming process as pornography
thoroughly pornography leads to impotency.
If you want to become impotent, keep watching pornography.
Why because the the stimulation becomes more and more excessive until there's nothing to stimulate the pornography watch. So you start with soft pornography so called and it's stimulating for a while and then it doesn't stimulate anymore. Then he gets into kinky pornography, and it stimulates for a while then it doesn't stimulate anymore. Then he gets in
PD PDF file pornography, and that stimulates then that loses his bang. Then it gets in the beast reality and that stimulates then that loses it
Bang, then he gets into
fantasies where the victim is killed
either in an accident or actually killed, and then that doesn't stimulate anymore. And so and then he gets in a situation where he's with his spouse, and he's fantasizing about something he's seen on one of these films, and then or images, and that swimming through his head. And then he's conflicted by guilt. And the end result is impotency and then a total disaster. So pornography should be eliminated from anyone's life who's involved with it. pornography, individualizes. intimacy. Who What? What?
Husband? Who's sneaking into the computer?
1230 at night, you're gonna wake up his wife and come watch this. No, and if she stumbles on him, what's he gonna do? escape
his reflexes quicker than mike tyson back in the day, fam. It that button. So quick Eunice's hand move.
Cuz he doesn't want to share that. But we mentioned the glove and the hand intimacy, the husband, the wife, their lives and their intimate moments are supposed to be shared, and not individualized.
So, pornography, there should be zero tolerance, neither a law and law nor a little. This is one of the modern forces that destroys the human soul.
that destroys the human soul. And we should have no toleration for it. As we said, not a lot of the narrow middle of it. None of it has to go. This is something we should get out of our communities. And do you think is not in the Muslim community? One of the most per capita
areas highest for downloading pornography is the Middle East, the Muslim Middle East, that's a fact. You go to these little internet cafes. Some of them had no women allowed policies. Why? Because you go in there, and everyone's sitting at their little booth, engaging in their little fantasies. Friend of mine walked into an internet cafe in Morocco, every single booth occupied by young men on a pornographic website.
This reality brothers and sisters, we have to combat such things, because they work they undermine intimacy.
They undermine real romance. They threaten marriages, zero tolerance, no pornography neither are not a lot. No a little because we want everyone again, once again, this is how we want people to be. See this is natural. You got your tree here.
You got your branches, and you got a little lovey, lovey birdies. So that's how everyone should be.
a marriage. A relationship in general, involves a team, we have to have teamwork. Together. Again, this should be easy for Muslims a lot of time this is what I when I look at what taqwa cooperate in righteousness and piety with our new island. What taqwa a lot of times dimensions will answer in insurnace he hosts in levena M and Wham la sala hardware tawassul bellhawk. What a west of the summer. So the point here by the declining day or by the later or by the ages people have spent on this earth by the testimony of each surely the human being is in a state of loss in an insane allottee of costs, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and here's the relevance for
teamwork. What while soul bill Huck, they counseled each other with truth, what house all the software and they constantly each other with patience. So again, the these are the exceptions for the people from the people who are lost. This is the general ruling for humanity in an insane allottee hosts, here are the exceptions in there.
And there, and it's this net, the article of exception allatheena and the news
Those who believe I'm gonna sign a hat and do righteous deeds. That's not the end there are two more qualities or characteristics for those who are not lost. What are well, soul bellhawk they cancel each other with truth water well, so this summer, and they cancel each other with patience. So again, this is our religion. Our religion is predicated on teamwork. It's called Gemma, the Gemma the collectivity. We don't have a problem with that.
Again, that's a little mini in a fetal wedding him or Tara Hermia matakohe tim methyl Jessa is ashtech a man who earned one two there are several just said the Sahar was. So the parable of the believers in their mutual love fito wed de him. That's the same route teta Allah. In Arabic intensive students those file patterns they have meaning. One meaning of teta Allah is reciprocity. So for Allah to do something so for example, raw Salah to send a letter terrassa to correspond back and forth.
So, co ed d him their mutual love what Tara Herman, their mutual mercy? What are to see him the mutual affection, methyl jetset is a stack of men who are one of one part of that is there so there, the parable, the likeness of the believers in their mutual love the mutual mercy, their mutual affection to each other is like a body of one part complains of some harm or injury. The entire body responds with fever and sleeplessness or the opposite with sleeplessness, sleeplessness, and fever, bizarre world hunger. So that's how we should be. And that general condition should be specifically and particularly applicable in the context of our relationships. Again, marriages, friendships,
parents and children, children and parents, that should qualify our relationships.
Nothing again, negates teamwork like micromanagement.
Cooperate, don't try to micromanage someone else's affairs come together and work jointly to collectively manage each other's affairs. So micromanagement one person wants to do every little thing down to the most minute detail for someone else, as opposed to sitting down either letting them manage their own affairs, or collectively sharing and each other's affair, share or planning and punishment for children. Again, children can destroy the teamwork of a married couple so fast. child knows how to come between that mommy and daddy, get daddy battling mommy get mommy battling daddy then looks so innocent about it.
So panela parents have to be aware of that. And one way to circumvent that is by sharing in the planning
various decisions school friends, etc. And the punishment of the children
as opposed to one arbitrary I'm gonna wear you out boy.
Why don't you do that? You should talk to him. He's not such a brat. You can reach him if you reason with them.
And so now what do you mean I talked with him 10 times and he still did it. So now they're battling instead of sitting down what's appropriate How should we deal with this talking isn't working perhaps he needs some a little us he needs a switch who knows sort of switches
and sorry what's the best tree to get a switch from
by Universal standards
set by the hitter or the spank or the Spanky the best which is a willow tree. You see weeping will
and and makes a good switch because when you get the leaves off the lights
that come right off. But of course within them is within them as folks then limits
talk openly honestly about problems and in laws and laws can come between a man and his wife
Long hammers, in laws can mess up a relationship. So there has to be a strategy, you have to sit down and make a strategy. Look, your mother's coming. So I'm checking into microtel for a week. You have to strategize. To do within AWS seriously, you can just let it just come let it just happen is like Katrina, you know, they just stood back and waited, you have to strengthen those dikes reinforced the barricades, because the in laws can mess you up. We'll talk about that a little later. That was a nice discussion. Parents have to assist their marriage, children and teeming with their spouses and not being a wedge between them and their spouses. So parents have to help them
marry children as opposed to coming between them. parents had a chance to live their life. If you're a parent, let your child live their life and help them to live a productive life. You add your chance, why do you want to have another chance at their expense, and create all sorts of havoc in the relationships? You add your chance? Now it's their turn. Let them make their own messes. You made yours?
I can say that you can never say that to your mom and dad.
Mom, Dad, you had your chance you made your own mess.
So why are you making my life a mess? You get a chance to make two messes and I don't even get a chance to make a single mess.
Oh, parents, you have to lighten up.
You have to lighten up parents.
I'm like preaching to the choir no one is over 50
So then, if you do your love will blossom.
So this is the man and the wife.
Their love has blossom. And now they adorn the world with their collective beauty.
And they live happily ever after. And like an old soldier, they don't die. They just wilt away.
And conclusion of final hichem familia Chi Allah. And that is this one right here.
And I'm sworn in what are what would you do?
Would you do Cyril a philosophia. That our external actions be that prayer fasting Hajj, whatever the case is, are very, like
empty facades. They're like a Hollywood set. They have an external form. But the spirit that brings them to life is the existence of the secret of sin of sincerity within them.
Now why do we conclude with this we conclude with this particular aphorism brothers and sisters.
For this reason, so first translation actions by themselves are facades. alamelu for an argument, the spirit of outerwear, who have to do this, you're classy. See, Han the spirit that brings them to life is sincerity. So why do we conclude on this note, marriage is no exception. Marriage is one of our external actions.
There has to be sincerity in it for to work for it is also an external action. All of our relationships if you're not married, your friendships are just they are an external action. For them to work and to be productive. There has to be sincerity in them. So that's why we conclude on this note, sincerity clause is a condition for the acceptability of our actions in the mail arnelle bindi ads, so actions are based on the sincerity of the intention accompany them. So we pray that Allah Allah blesses us all to have sincerity and our relationship. So that's the end of it, except the workbook. There's some very insightful points here. So we'll conclude on those points of you can
turn to page allama solarus to the last
page. What somebody with
dexterous fingers 13 All right, this minute we want to sister to read these five things one at a time. Get a volunteer sisters Nova fatherly Bismillah young. So fatherly Are you
Yes or No check off. Now, do you guys see this happening? Sometimes people just become so wrapped up in their individual lives, they grossly marginalize their very spouse. Okay, number two.
So again, this can enable negating teamwork. You know, this is a man's thing right here, let me go talk to the boy, and you just sit over there, go make sure I should get the bed, Okay, I'm gonna go talk to the boy, because this is a man's issue right here.
This is like James Brown, it's a man's world, I'm going to talk to the boy.
So or vice versa, mother knows best. So let me talk to him or her. And you just go and polish your golf clubs. And so we should always try to avoid that because sometimes the insight from can come from unexpected sources. And all of us have mothers and fathers.
People tend to do that. So they'll talk about really difficult issues with friends.
And not give the test spouse even an opportunity. Well, she won't understand. Or she doesn't know what I'm going through. So as if your friend that you're sharing this with understands or knows what you're going through. And so we don't even give that spouse a chance to participate, to try to help us work through this, which reinforces our feeling of being a team. Number four.
If that's the case, that means there's something wrong and the harmony that exists, there should be enough harmony, where we feel we can readily openly discuss anything with waiting for the perfect opening or opportunity because we don't know how they're going to react or we think we know how they're going to react. Something's wrong, yellow to fatherly.
Usually, that's an indication that there is no solid teamwork because one party or the other is trying to constantly impose their opinion as opposed to be as opposed to be open to the other opinion. And then coming up with a common shared solution based on mutual consultation. Time, also read the assessment.
So that's just a little bit of advice. And then finally,
this has to do with people that have children. Or if you're giving advice to someone that has children, you might not have children. But these are some ways that dealing with children undermine the team spirit between the man and the wife. So one, brother, someone in the middle, who's been quiet thus far. To read these last few points here, six points. Don't everyone jump at once y'all love this for nothing for them, even though you're not in middle school, right?
Anyone knows someone like that? one party has a nice warm relationship can ignore the immaturity of the child who's supposed to be mature. And the other just is the stern disciplinarian. You too soft with him. If you are a real man, you take them in the backyard and show him who's boss. You know, some people like that. No one, only a couple people. Brothers, you don't know anyone like that.
Or you just don't want to raise your hand. Y'all are number two.
So one of the parties just trying to dot every I cross every t from the child, the others, I gotta learn his own lessons, you know, let her choose to a certain extent or friends she's gonna have to learn. So if you constantly do everything are they gonna learn? Just relax, sat back, you know, none of her friends none of his friends are smoking, drinking, dating, etc. So let him just go and get a few bruises. We'll be here to put some band aids on him. Don't worry about it. You're crazy. It's dangerous out there. And now we got to really take care these kids, then Amana Yala Father, father
is a source of friction, six.
And as a result, you get resentful.
Tired, read the assessment Bismillah.
Questions or comments?
Well, I think the first thing is to realize is that violence be that verbal, psychological, physical violence is not going to solve the problem. So the first thing is to be committed to a non violence solution. The second thing is to make sure that the person be that the husband, the wife, or whoever
is trying to correct the errant behavior in the other spouse or the child to make sure that their example they're exemplifying the change that they're calling to, so that there's no inconsistency between what they're advocating and what they're living. The next thing is very important to present them with the destructiveness, the consequences of the destructiveness of their actions,
based on revealed sources, and based on just general human experience. And the next thing, I think, a question earlier today, we talked about this, is to understand that a lot of these problems in many instances are the culmination of a long process. And that being the case, they're not going to go away overnight. So not to expect that there's going to be a drastic turnaround, but to try to just gradually help the person to work towards the desirable behavior. If it becomes unbearable.
For the spouses, then divorce is a real option. Because divorce is something that's hated. But it is something that's lawful. And in some instances when the situation gets so bad that it's stressing out both parties beyond reasonable repair, and all efforts. Even the most patient of efforts have failed, then that's something that they might consider as for the child to just you can't divorce your children
to be very patient and understand that usually
in this society, Muslim children that get a strong case of dunya itis they usually grow out of it. If you're patient and loving, and keep the doors open to let them know that you still love them, you don't love what they do, but they're your children, you love them. And that will that will pull them through, usually, and sometimes it takes two or three or four years. But I've seen the worst cases where the kids have turned around. However, if we're violent, if we're denigrating, we just push them so far away, they'll never be able to find them their way home. or figuratively, or maybe even literally, when they do realize how errant and wrong their behavior is. Long Island will mustad.
Okay, there's some written questions. This
What's behind door number one?
behind door number one.
You earlier stated that the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam never struck a child when is it appropriate to physically discipline a child? The profit so let's sell them lovestruck a child he did permit that but in a way that doesn't cause
physical harm or lasting psychological harm. So it's going to cause some short range psychological harm.
That question though, is largely answered by a combination of understanding Islamic principles, and local custom and convention. I there's some societies for example, the Malays, Malays don't hit the children as part of their culture and their custom. And as a result, there is a culture that disciplines on the basis of glances on the basis of
a verbal intonation, and other things, other cultures are more physical in terms of disciplining children. So it's a question of balancing between the culture
and the cultural norms and mores and Islamic teachings. So those cultures where physical discipline is more prevalent and more common, and it gets results, when used effectively.
As we said, to make sure if your culture and background tends towards that end of the spectrum,
not to repeatedly strike the child.
So three blows, does where the child out not to harm the child physically, by scarring, striking the face,
and other physically visible marks in abuse.
And to explain to the child why that child is getting that spanking, not just up in start
wearing the child that you did this, it's unacceptable. And I know people whose lives were drastically changed for the better because of a good spanking.
So trying to balance between everything and, and even letting it be known through one's action because you knew I got
the wh up Ed hoops.
And I knew it was out of love. So you can you can convey love to your child even under the most drastic circumstances. And that should always come through and you can convey hatred and disdained and spite. So, even if you're resorting to physical discipline, make sure that you're conveying love. And they know hey, I deserved it and mom and dad are right, and I'm not gonna do it again either.
The rules are men and women then distorting our side to the level that will last and families are breaking apart. How will one start learning implement those gender roles, and an already existing family structure? Number one through an L with alum we said that by studying knowledge comes through studying number two by preferencing, pre prefacing one study
understanding how essential it is for us to be committed to basic human decency. Half of the problems we're having as Muslims in our marriages are just because of indecent behavior that no human being would do to another
I mean, I hear stories that I know people. I mean, I grew up in a poor neighborhood. I know poor people who were
And they didn't treat each other the way some brothers and sisters treat each other in our community. I'm talking about people aren't Muslims, people who just would never do some of the things that you hear going on in our community.
I mean, they're just insane stories.
where someone might know these people, because I think someone here told me this story. Well, I mean, just
up and walking out on families,
marrying someone taking up resonance with them, then calling the spouse and say, you know, I'm not coming home.
just, I mean, this stuff that decent human beings don't do. So all of our teachings have to be set in a moral context. And that's a big part of our religion. One of the great contributions of Islam
is that it really provided through his teachings of the first rigorous,
holistic system of moral psychology. So when we talk about doing something because out of the fear of God, that's an element of moral psychology, there's a psychological process fear, that elicits our moral response. And, and it's not just fear, it's fear. It's hope. It's love. It's mercy. It's a whole system.
Actually, in the process of writing a book about this is an entire system that creates a moral climate that leads to positive moral morals and ethics. So what happens? We divorce,
the morality and the ethics from the law.
And as a result, we start looking like Frankenstein monsters. So what do I mean by that? You get this patchwork creature and arm from over here that doesn't come together and integrate itself. And that's why Frankenstein was so hideous. It was composed of pieces of corpses from here and there sewn together. And that's what we get. So you end up I'll give you an example. We mentioned that the alcohol liquor store thing there's some people that own liquor stores first in the prayer line.
If they're not in the prayer line first is like the mother died.
I wouldn't miss a day wouldn't eat a seed in Ramadan. They accidentally swallowed a sesame seed that got stuck in their teeth, as a whole.
is like someone died was wrong brothers swallowed a seed by accident. It doesn't count as an accident. No, but I hate it's the daytime. And then we'll turn around, go to a store and sell alcohol to people. So all of that legal rigidity has been divorced from any moral or ethical outcome. And that's not what the religion is all about.
quotevalet como cm can akuti violin ladymum publikum Allah Allah contact chacun so the rules relating to fasting are associated with an outcome. God consciousness the Allah contacta hoon in La salette attend Han and fascia as
well as the crew la Akbar. The prayer, which is a legal arrangement of legislative actions is accompanied with an ethical outcome. So the prayer Ward's off in decency and luminous and last fall at a tenor, and in fact, Shay will move on. So our religion is a holistic system is like the permaculture agriculture is not a holistic system. It's not a system that looks at the natural environment and human activity within that natural environment as an integrated whole, is the system that abstracts human activity from that integrated system. And as a result, human activity destroys that system. And so sometimes when we approach our religion not as an integrated whole, where the
actions we understand we perform, are strengthening and reinforcing us as moral beings. And so those actions can us actually divorced from the system, destroy the system itself. So
In our marriages, our relationships, we have to be cognizant of that, so that everything is working as a whole. And when we're trying to correct, we're trying to restore that balance. So, that imbalance is why human societies, including Muslim societies are breaking down, and trying to restore that balance by emphasizing to each other, and reminding each other of the moral and ethical imperative that the religion is trying to bring us towards, I think is a key part in getting beyond some of the imbalance. So this dissertation state,
please, can you give some advice on how to deal with in laws, okay. And specifically, there are unsolicited, hurtful comments, we'll just ignore those.
Because if you know look, the in laws are coming and they're they're denigrating, they're going to insult me, they're going to be little me just ignore that foolishness, constant, because that is foolishness emanating from a childlike mind. So it should upset you as much as if a three year old child insulted you. They don't know what they're doing. And in many instances, those people
and I know we said about Malcolm yesterday.
But literally, they're not conscious. They're operating on
a way of mentality that's been shaped by a dysfunctional society by and large. And so they don't know how much harm those words can do. You know, and you know where it's coming from, just ignore it. Let it go in one ear and out the other. And don't let it enter into your heart and just pray for them and pray for their guidance and say, Mashallah,
for example of such comments, you should be grateful that your husband is giving up his hobbies, and spending time with you. That comment is so childish. For anyone to get upset by, you know, what you do with that is just excuse me, you go into another room and you just laugh your head off.
I mean, so child is You should be grateful your husband's giving up his hobbies and spending time with you.
I mean, what did he get married for? If he wanted to keep all of his hobbies?
I mean, that's just childish. Please note, I moved from a different country only because my husband lives here. And I have no family in the area.
Get get involved with your local Masjid. Reach out, get involved with some of the good sisters. How do I prevent feelings of anger resentment towards my in laws from ruining my relationship with them? As long as your husband knows what's going on and doesn't validate that kind of stupidity, don't even worry about it. And apparently he does because you're talking about your in laws and not your husband.
From ruining my relationship and making me feel depressed and sad, and they don't seem to be happy with me no matter what I do also want to avoid venting
to my parents and friends as it may fall in the realm of backbiting. The best thing to do on a situation like that, number one, ignore that foolishness. Number two, make sure you're in your husband on the same page concerning it. And he knows just how foolish and silly and childish and immature his parents are acting and thirdly take it to a loss upon Allah tala just have some more nyjah some intimate discourses with the law when you pray at night and ask Allah tala to give you relief and to help you to transcend that and not to be bogged down with it will lead in a home and in love with more are you doing that's lovely, that's empty speech that has no Sharia basis. A lot
of Tyler says, If Allah had moved Nino, La Nina homefree salette him harsh Iran will lead in a home and a lovely morally doing the believers are victorious. Those who are humble in their prayer and those who turn away and aren't affected by empty on Islamic top. So that's your solution. This Mori don't they ignore on Islamic talk?
If it reaches that degree is incumbent upon in this scenario the husband to tell his parents they're wrong and let them know that they're not going to undermine his marriage, that we listen to and obey our parents as long as they're not deviating from Islamic teachings and will press
Anyone, if they move into the realm of oppression, where their actions have no basis, and the Divine Law, then is wedged up on the husband to check his parents, and to let them know he is not going to let them undermine his marriage is legit. In that case,
tell you, here's one I swim from one of the sisters.
You stated earlier that a person's nuts can become contained in a state of dysfunction, anger. So since that person has become content in that state, how do you convince them that they need help and they do not if when they do not believe they have a problem, either habitual cynic or angry discontent behaviors ruin family relations, again, when the behavior is not acceptable by Islamic standards, and we mentioned destructive, ruinous anger, physical psychological, verbal abuse is not acceptable to point out to that person where their behavior deviates from acceptable norms. And at that point,
shown them that you might not think you have a problem, but consider the fact that you're always doing A, B, C, and D. And tell me how you can justify that on the basis of the teachings of our religion. So just show them with the teachings of the religion and not with your opinion, that you're always angry. But this is, I'm showing you how many times today, have you insulted me?
123457? How can you justify that based on Islam? How many times have you screamed at me? And Isn't this what you do every day? How can you justify that to try to point that out? And
if they don't change, to try to get outside help and counseling, to convince them to talk to someone who's qualified, who can help them to work through the underlying problems, identify, first of all, identify the underlying problems and issues that are leading to that behavior and then work through it.
Could you speak a little about choosing a spouse understand for brothers they should look for pious wife and sisters a husband of good character and Dean in this day and age? What does that entail praying fasting activism, what do you recommend? Look at it
in the context of today's society,
in the context of the today's society, those things
go character, patience, forbearance, not possessing a violent temper, not having a history of abusive relations,
those sorts of things, and to talk to people that that know the person
the praying, praying, fasting, most definitely, activism, not necessarily but in some situations that can be helpful. If a person is tends to be an activist, they should marry someone that is an activist and understands that this person has a great concern for others and so a lot of their time is going to be spent helping others and
that that is in the at the end of the day.
That same compassion, even though it might not be evident constantly will benefit the spouse also
will lo alum one Mustang.
So also you should look for in a spouse in terms of character, someone that's patient, someone we mentioned, even tempered, not prone to violent outbursts. Someone as humble as humility is very important.
Not only in relationships or for the individual, himself or herself a lot Hannah mentions in the court Antal canderel. Era, Nigella hi Lila Dena Lee do not ruin Phil rd will SSR de la kibou to learn more talking, this is the home of the hereafter we've made for those who don't desire to exalt themselves in the earth, no to nor to work corruption they're in and the end will be for the righteous. So looking for people who have humility, responsibility. So if I was a sister, I wouldn't look for a brother that was wealthy. If he had other qualities and was wealthy on the better, but I will work look for someone who's responsible because you can be wealthy and irresponsible and you
can be poor and very responsible and if someone's poor and respond
There find a way to take care of you. But if someone's wealthy and irresponsible, your interest might fall through the cracks. So those are some things, I think you should look for low item ones done.
That's why I think it's very important to make a commitment to being a decent human being. Because my father wasn't actively involved in my life, about when I got old enough, like 17 1617. And I know a lot of people like this, I just made up my mind, that a lot of the things that
my mother had to suffer through, I wouldn't inflict that on on a woman.
So I didn't have the role model. But I had a sense of what was right or what's wrong, I had a sense of what causes pain, and what leads to, to to despair. And knowing that you can commit yourself, to working to eliminate it. So it's not totally absolutely necessary to have that role model.
Because we have the prophetic ideal. But I think what's important is to commit ourselves to principles in institutions, and the context of marriage. I think it's very important to commit ourselves to the institution of marriage, as we mentioned, as an institution that's been initiated by a lot of Tyler and then vouchsafed to us by the practice out of our our vironment soon and in the movement, even sooner than we're sending for from the way of the profits and the marriage. And the commitment to that institution will help us to work for its preservation, even if it means
dealing with some things we we don't particularly like, and our spouse, but our commitment to the institution allows us to try to work through those sell those things and allows us to take time to work through those things, because of our commitment to the institution itself. And our awareness to go back to awareness of the fact that we are as a community, really the last bastion
of people collectively committed to some of these human institutions. And if we let go of it, what's left?
Like, okay, sisters, Allahu Akbar, if they love to let go of the hijab, where is humanity?
The Christians had he jabbed the Jews had hijab, some other traditional people had hijab, right? They all lost it, who's the last community holding on to it? The Muslims, if we let it go, humanity has a replace a blee lost one of his finest divinely ordained institutions. So we have to be committed to institutions, as much as we're committed to people. We have to be you mentioned ideal we have to be committed to ideals.
Because at the end of the day, is lamb is a struggle of ideas. So the victory of Islam how's the ultimate victory of Islam described?
detail Kunal kenema to kalama Tila Colima to law here only
that the word of Allah will be uppermost will continue to lead in a castle he has software and the word of those who disbelieve will be debased JAL, Huck, the truth comes was called battle and false parishes in Alberta. Canada is a hookah for sued by his nature is doomed to perish so is presented as a struggle of ideas
and ideals. And so we are, in a sense, the holders and the defenders of those ideals. So we should be very idealistic, not to the point that we're blinded to the realities of life, but to such an extent that we're motivated to go the extra mile and to make the extra sacrifice and to put up with a little abuse because of our commitment to those ideals.
Well, those things are in their proper context. Like there's a whole system what happens in the hospital. So I'm recommending a system of natural childbirth, who that's part of that process. So we shouldn't mix these things because it could become dangerous. So I wouldn't give any advice beyond advising natural childbirth, natural at home childbirth. There. Beyond that, the technicalities. I mentioned that in the context of just trying to explain why some of the problems such as SIDS and other things occur. But as advice, I will have to just leave it at the generalities, because I'm not a midwife. So I don't know the technical details of home birth. And I'm not a
ob gr GYN doctor. So I don't know the technical intricacies of hospital birth. But I do know home births are far safer. And they're far more the far more natural, and the drugs and inducing labor and pain, killing drugs, and all of those things, is like sister Sakina mentioned with the soil, the soil is a living organism. And we inject all these unnatural pesticides, fertilizers into the soil, it kills and alters the living structure of the soil. And eventually, it destroys his productivity. The same for humans, we are obviously a living organism. But our life
also involves more importantly than our physical existence, and involves a spiritual existence. And a lot of the things that we're doing as a result of so called scientific advances are not only harming ourselves physically, but they're harming us physically, spiritually, rather. So I would just advocate generally certain things, but in terms of knowing the technical side effects, specifics of side effects of the kind of drugs you mentioned, that's not my realm.
Unfortunately, that's the last question because it's 530. And all good things must come to an end. First, you have a couple additional things to do. I'm going to go to the back and start signing books, you're going to start signing the evaluation form. And I think there's a couple of things that sister sort of wants to say before everyone starts running off in their respective directions. I just want to say it was a wonderful, wonderful, tremendous opportunity to spend a couple of days with you guys I've benefited immeasurably because life is a is an entity is an exchange of giving and taking. So I can guarantee you, I took more from you than you took from me. If you want to argue
start counting, there's one of me and there's 100 some odd of you, so the odds are against you. So I'd like to thank you for that opportunity. We pray that a lot Tyler made this gathering a source of mutual benefit. And now whenever we come together it can be in a mutually beneficial fashion just outcome a lot higher on a salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.