The Domestic Violence Tapes #01 – My Mommy Issues – Domestic Violence Awareness

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Yusha Evans

Channel: Yusha Evans

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Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu Welcome back to reflections. This is the domestic violence tapes, Episode One.

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Anytime there's going to be more than I'm going to need more than one episode to talk about a particular topic, then it's going to become a tapes series inshallah

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this is gonna be a rough one, not gonna lie.

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I have talked about my mother in the past, and in some details around that, but you know, I've never

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I've never gone this deep into it, or, you know,

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there are things that have even come up post talking about it, you know, locked memories that I thought were gone forever, have started to, to unlock in and haunt me in my day in my night.

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These tapes coincide with domestic violence month here in the United States. And

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I thought there's no better thing than to spend the next three weeks talking or the next three episodes, talking about domestic violence, because

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I told you guys that I'm going to try to be as raw and open and honest so that, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe there's some people out there that are going through similar things and can see that, you know, I'm still here. So you can be too. You can heal, I'm healing, I'm working on it, you can work on it, too. And also, so people understand me a bit more in why I tried to you know, I'm shying away from that whole public image that has been stuck with me for too long. Because I really haven't talked about myself. And I can talk about domestic violence. I like to talk about matters that I feel I have some personal perspective on, because matters that I have personal perspective on I feel

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are going to be, you know, no more honest, more sincere, and maybe more realistic and reasonable for me to you know, give some advice.

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I can talk about domestic violence from a multi generational perspective, multi generational perspective, starting with my maternal grandmother, my mother, my stepmother, and then another, another one that will leave for another time. I don't know if I'll even put that one out right after Episode Two, Episode Three might, I'll do it when I'm ready. And that's one that I'm not just ready to forthcoming with yet, but I have

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seen domestic violence and been a victim of domestic violence myself.

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I'll start with my mom,

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because my mom leads to my grandmother. And then that'll lead to Episode Two, which we'll talk about my stepmother. And then that'll probably lead to Episode Three, and how and why and what happened in that scenario. That led me to be where I am today.

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My mother had me when she was 17 years old.

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My mother had me when she was 17 years old. And

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by the time I was three years old, she abandoned me.

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When I was three, my mother took me to my grandmother's house,

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dropped me off and said she was going to the store and that she would be back and if my grandmother would watch me and of course my grandmother used to always watch me like that. You know, that was if my mom or dad needed me to be babysat. It was my grandparents that did so. And she just never came back. It would be three, three or four years before she would come back into my life at all. And by the end she had gone might you know divorced my dad.

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And she had gone on and gotten into another

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marriage and had had my son and my son, my brother, Christopher.

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So when she came back, she had my brother with her.

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And we would we would be the only two children she would ever have.

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But when my mother did come back,

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it would never be the same should never be the same. She She got involved in a

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abusive relationship

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to the point to where she was hospitalized a few times from it.

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She lost at the tip of her finger because of it. She had her face broken before. orbital, low broken ribs broken

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and I witnessed a good deal of it as a child

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And my brother witnessed all of it growing up, and and I can't begin to imagine what he went through with that.

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I hope you know we get back in contact someday if he ever watches these, Christopher, you know, reach out to me. I understand things more now.

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And

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I know how hard it must have been.

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I love you.

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We shared a womb together, we're blood. I love you to get in touch with me.

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When when my mom came back

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she would see that I'm getting abused by my stepmom physically abused. So she would fight for me in court and we'll talk about that that that detail next episode, and she would fight for me in court but because of the fact that she abandoned me

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the court only allowed her to have visitation rights every other weekend and she would come get me some weekends and some weekends she wouldn't come get me and she wouldn't even say that she wasn't coming to get me I would just be sitting on the front porch. Because what the horror I was going through in under my my roof with my dad and my stepmother I would love for just just to get out of the house even though I was going to you know most likely go and watch her get her ass beat all weekend long. You know my brother was there we would go out and hang out in the woods we were out we were outdoors kids like we were barely in the house except at nighttime other than that we were out

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in the woods playing and we did some crazy things we nearly set our garage on fire one time because

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we we were trying to make a flame thrower out of spray paint cans and we caught one on fire and then tossed it in the corner with the other spray paint

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and when it went off and they all went off we like blow off the side of the garage

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another another time we set the entire our backyard at my mom's house was just a huge field with really tall grass and it would get very dry in the summer and then I remember we had fireworks on July 4 and we were just shooting Roman candles each other and we set that and we set that entire backyard on fire one time and you know they had to have like five fire engines it was it was a mess

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yeah me and my brother will wild

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you know bless my mom for all she was dealing with and she dealt with us too We were crazy also my brother one time

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hit me in the back of the head with a seatbelt we used to fight a lot and you know back in the 80s you know you didn't have no car seats you know we're jumping around you're hanging in the wind you lay in the back window of the car was a different era and there was the seatbelts had these huge big old book was like on the airplane that you click in and I was doing something to my brother to irritate him and

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he hit me in the back of the head with that see but I still have a scar back there to this day he nearly cracked my skull bro nearly cracked my skull

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but the reason he did it was because I accidentally shot him point blank in the mouth with a BB gun

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it wasn't you know like I wasn't trying to shoot him

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well I was trying to scare him I didn't know that bb gun was loaded I thought it was I thought I unloaded all on except the one in the in the chamber it was a bit again and we were he was hiding under the bed from me and he had done something to me to annoy me and I jumped on the bed night and I stuck the gun out and then went right right by his mouth and I think he probably still has to be he never had it i think is still the BB still in there to this day. So we were rough kids man but Chris I love you bro I love you but we are wild kids we drove her mom nuts

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but I would go to visit my mom

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and

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she had become a full fledged alcoholic by this time and part of her reasoning for becoming an alcoholic and I'm gonna explain the segment in a moment part This allowed me to understand now especially now that I'm older and during the last few years of my mom's life It made me It allowed me to come to peace with what she went through and and and the bad choices that she made after it because hell I've made a bunch of bad choices in my life you know i mean and I hope my kids at some point see that you know, I always tried to do the right thing or what I felt would be in the best interests of them are always you know, and I never had nothing but love for them. But you know we

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make mistakes.

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The first one was because she was being physically abused so badly that he was beating the hell out of my mom

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that she would get drunk

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just so she didn't feel the pain as much you know, I mean like the beatings don't hurt as bad but you know when she would sleep in very late in the mornings, I remember I used to have to get up when I was at my mom's house and make breakfast for me and my brother, he's like four years old, younger than I and

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when she got up in the afternoon, she would just start drinking. So by the time he got home and you know

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got drunk himself because he would come home after work, blue collar job and start drinking. By the time he started laying in on her, she would already be pretty much numb.

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But the sounds

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of my mom getting her ass beat,

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the the sounds

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the memories are burned into my conscience. They're seared into my memory. I don't know if those memories will ever leave me. Because what they do to a child, they damage a child badly. No, those scenes

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mess you up. And there's a lot of times where it becomes generational, like people who are abusers now are just reliving the abuse that they went through

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as children or witnessed or whatnot, it becomes a cycle. And that cycle has to be broken somewhere.

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You know, watching my mom and not being able to do anything, you know, I was 910 1112 years old at the time this What can I do? What can I do in this big burly you know, redneck guy, you know was beating the hell out of my mom and you know, she's to me, she's like a superwoman at that time, your mom's always a superwoman. And if she can't defend herself from him, then what what am I going to do? So in the night, I mean, my brother would just hide hide, we would just stay in our room, and I would occupy him and try to keep him, you know, as as distracted as I could. And I think that was also an escape for him when I came because other than that, he was all alone.

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He was all alone. Like, just like, when I went back to my house, I was all alone, locked in my room for years on end.

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So you know, it's, it's Chris, you know, like, I feel you, I do feel you.

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And

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a lot of what sent my mom down this road, is what happened to her mother, my maternal grandmother, I would never meet her

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when my mom was 16 years old, so this is, you know, a year and some change. Before she had me.

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My mom's mom

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would be murdered.

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And my mom would be the one to find the body. She was murdered

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by my grandfather, by her father, by her mom's husband.

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So when I say that domestic violence has affected my life in through generations, I mean that my grandmother, I never met my mother's mother, because she was murdered by my grandfather. And just like, you know, there's always everybody has their, their their side to it. My grandfather would only spend a few years in prison, and then be released. Because he said that the reason why it happened was because she was being unfaithful. And, you know, he just lost his, when he found out he just flipped out and killed her. And so therefore, it was the defense was crime of passion. And he got away with it. So you know, he, he would get out like I would meet him many times growing up. I

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never had a close relationship with Him whatsoever. Nor did my mom of course.

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But my mom's and my great great grandmother side story, because my great grandmother was alive for a long time in my life. She didn't die until I was in my 20s. I had a great grandmother. And she would say that is because he was always violent with her, and she was planning to leave him. And because he found out she was trying to leave him. This is why he killed her. And so it was a long string of domestic violence that led to him taking her life.

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So my mom had to witness that at 16 years old, her mother murdered, she finds the body who did it her father, who's not going to prison for it. I mean, I I cannot begin to imagine what that did to my mother. It broke her. It broke her. And

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that's when she would meet my dad, they would get married at a very young age, and they would and I would be born.

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And she got a lot of money from the life insurance policy from you know, her mother's because the husband can't get it because, you know, my grandfather's widow killed her. So he can't benefit from his crime. So the money went to my mother. So her and my father got married and you know, they had

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for their age, they had a lot of money back then. You know, and they got into wild a lot of partying a lot of this was spent a lot of time my grandparents house, you know, in my mom, just eventually it just became too much the whole lifestyle and what she had gone through and never process it. And she said at the age of 20, she just she just snapped and she felt like the safest thing for me

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was to be with my grandparents because my she knew, as long as I was under my grandparents roof, I would be safe, and I was anytime I was under my grandparents roof.

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I was a safe happy child that was if you want to talk about the memories of what a happy childhood is like I do have those as well because every memory of my grandparents house when I when I when I think about it now when I relive it it's always like that movie where it's you know it's a beautiful sunny day and you know it's has that old air look to it and there's just happy and I'm just playing in the yard my grandfather is sitting he used to sit on the porch the carport and and whittle a stick that was just a thing he would just sit there and just whittle at a stick you know with this pocket knife for hours and hours My grandfather was a world war two veteran

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he was in the army they marched across Europe you know when she landed on the shores of Normandy You know, my my grandfather was was a battle hardened man. He was also you know, a Native American knees. He was Cherokee Indian.

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I think it was like 50 60% Cherokee Indian. He looked like it might pop a picture up here.

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Well, my grandfather, he was a man's man.

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And those memories are just like the happiest memories I have on my chart that's that's like when I want to think of fond childhood memories it's it's memories of them going to get you know ice creams and milkshakes when they would pick me up after school because always every day I would get out of school and I would go to daycare and stay there for about an hour until my grandfather got off work and the daycare was really nice it was in my neighborhood It was a house that was turned into it. Miss Beth Miss Beth was like everybody's a grandma it was it was beautiful and they would come and pick me up and take me to their house until my dad would get off work and pick me up that I'd have

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to go home to everything else so you know those are those are my happy childhood memories and I think those whenever I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed sometimes I'll think of those memories especially recently and and just remember that boy who genuinely smiled

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and know that he's you know, he's still in there somewhere and and I'm hoping through a lot of this as well that I can

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I can help heal that little boy because he went through hell

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so she couldn't take any more and she just left me and she said she thought in her mind that that was the best thing to do for me that that was what was best for me this thing with her in this state would not would not be a good upbringing for me, but if she left me with my grandparents, I would have a chance at a real childhood

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and so now after you know being older in life, I get it. I was able to get it and say yeah, okay, yeah, I accept that. I accept that because I'm a mature adult now and I've done a lot of dumb ish in my life and I've made a lot of stupid mistakes you know?

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Sometimes that have had effect on my own children like you know

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I've tried I want my children to grow up knowing that you know, even even though I've made my mistakes I always number one, I always love the hell out of you kids you know my kids are my my heart like that is my heart and soul are my three children I love them

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I love them that's it full stop

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but you know there's sometimes I made mistakes and that's because I'm a human being and I probably didn't have the best

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tutorial when it comes to doing these things the right way so I just had sometimes I winged it and we do dumb things so I told my mom you know like I get it I forgive you.

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I told her that not long before she died like I let it go like I forgive you

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you know I forgive you that's it

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it's it's it is what it is and I understand

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so you know watching my my mother be abused like that It hurt and know that it's because a lot of what she was going through was because of the abuse that she witnessed and and the abuse that led to the death of my of my grandmother, that would lead to my own mom ended up in an abusive relationship and becoming an alcoholic and that alcoholism and eventually, you know, leading to her having cancer that would lead her to death or dying in arms at the age of 27. And that abuse would lead lead me into a relationship of abuse with my stepmother that we'll cover next week, which ended up leading me to be in another relationship later on in life where I would experience abuse and what it caused

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because of it and again that one not ready yet. It's they will put a pin in it

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but I know that the ill effects that it can have and and what it can do to people it can absolutely destroy them and write them for life, destroy and make them for life. You know, thankfully I my grandfather, because my grandfather knew these you know, stories he knew what my you know, my mom had been through and and things of that he

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He wouldn't tell me any chance that you know was able to be brought up or whatnot. My grandfather, I distinctly remember him telling me that Josh, there is no reason a man has to put his hands violently on a woman.

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He said, Men are the protectors

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of women.

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We don't harm them. And he told me himself, if I ever if I'm alive, and you ever put your hands on a woman, I'm gonna put my hands on you. And you'll know what it feels like to be beaten on, you know, that that was that message was as clear as crystal for me for my grandfather. And you know, so Alhamdulillah you know, that is something I would never find any reason to don't for men. And this is the message for the brothers out there not i'm not forgetting about women, just be patient. I know you guys like to trip me up on Instagram when I posted about this just a prelude.

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But I have both sides. But for men, I'm going to speak to you man to man. See, it's different. It's different, the way I can approach another male is quite different to the approach that a male should have towards another female and vice versa.

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Men, there is no excuse for you to ever be violent with a woman, whether she be your wife, whether she be your daughter's whether she be your mother was whether she be some random stranger in the street. There's no reason Allah Subhana Allah says not put under the men are men are to be the maintainers and protectors of women.

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not destroying them, not harming them, not beating them. And any man who puts his hands on a woman is not a man to me. That's not that's not a man. You are you are you are not a man, you might be a male. You're not a man, and you're a monster.

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And whatever punishment is fitting for you should find you in this life and if not, I pray Allah subhanho wa Taala deals with you in a way that is just in the next life. And if it was ever something that I would witness, if I ever witnessed domestic violence happening in front of me,

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I will deal with it. May Allah help that man always affairs in order

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when I became 15

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when I turned 15, I don't want to delve into this too far because this is part two. The next one about my stepmother. When I was 15 years old, though I finally stepped up to my stepmother. 15 is when

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when my Oh, what does it mean my I think one of my full testosterone finally finally kicked in. And I stood up for myself and I said I will not be abused anymore.

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I also

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got a revolver. You know, we're we're a southern household. You know, guns is like having a having a purse or having a wallet like you. You have a weapon.

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I took a revolver,

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went to my mom's house, when I knew she wasn't there.

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And he would be there.

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I went to my mom's house. I found that dude, I pushed him up against the wall. And I put that gun to his face.

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And told him that if he ever put his hands on my mother again, I would kill him. And then I told him better yet. When I come back here tonight, I'll be back tonight. Because I was going to go pick my mom up. I said I'll be back tonight.

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When I get back, you better not be here. If you are here. Then they'll come to get your body out of this. This house because I'm gonna kill you. I was dead serious. I meant it. I snapped. I had had enough. I had enough of being abused myself and I had enough of watching my mom get abused. I was sick of it.

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And he left. Never seen him again ever. If I ever saw him again to this day.

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I pray Allah subhana wa Taala has given me the ability to heal enough to deal with that with some sense. I don't know. I don't want to be put into that test. Right now, to be honest with you. Because I lost my mom, you know, I mean like my mom's gone. She lost her mom, all because of what I directly correlate to domestic violence.

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So my mom was taken away from me when I was only 27 years old. My mom right now.

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My mom right now.

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I'm 42 years old. My mom would only be a miscue. I'm 41 years old, get ahead of myself. I'm 41 years old, my mom would only be 58.

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My kids would have a grandmother who

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Who would love the hell out of them?

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I would have someone to call and ask, you know, the questions that I don't want to ask anybody else, but I'll ask my mom,

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that was taken away from me that was taken away from my children

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directly related to domestic violence that she drank, in order to endure, and that drinking would lend up to her having cancer

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that would take her life before it should have been. And the same thing happened to her mother life cut short when she was only 16 years old, because of domestic violence. So don't come here and tell me that domestic violence is not something that I should have an opinion about. And the first thing I am going to address is men. Yes, men to men.

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If you feel like you need to put your hands on a woman, get some help.

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walk out the door, and do not come back until you get some help.

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And for sisters, for women,

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there was also under no circumstance except for maybe self defense,

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that you should never put your hands on your husband.

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You don't shouldn't physically abuse him.

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And yes, it does happen. It does happen. But you know what? We don't even have

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accurate statistics. I know we don't have accurate statistics on women either, because a lot of them don't report. But it's even greater in the case of men, that men do not report domestic violence. They don't call the police on their wife, they don't tell their friends, my wife is beating me up. They don't tell anyone

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about this, they suffer in silence.

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And this is leads to alcoholism and leads to suicide, the suicide rate in men is much higher than isn't women.

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Because the world expects a whole hell of a lot of us and does not give us a lot of help and does not

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tolerate less than perfection.

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In mask, Elisa said every turn it can, you know, tries to make us less than etc. Like

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true men have been rough these days. And that's the way it is women had it rough before us. It's our turn. But there's no excuse or reason that you should put your hands on your husband, you should put your hands on a man period.

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That is a red line for me. And that should be a red line in every relationship. In every relationship. physical violence is an automatic red line. Because once you cross that line, you can uncross it, there's no coming back. There's no uncrossing the line of physical violence. Once that line is broken, it's broken. And, and and, and and sisters, women.

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I know it's so rough like this, this is such a scary thought, especially if on top of physical

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abuse, there is emotional abuse, because emotional abuse and we'll take the injuries a moment is just as bad. But if you've become dependent, like he's the sole breadwinner, and you don't have any resources yourself, sometimes they will cut you off from from money and not allow you to have access to money and things of your own. So you don't you know, it's almost becomes a prison. So I understand that the fear, especially if there's children involved, and you get the children out of the home, I know there needs to be more resources for women who find themselves in that scenario, especially within the Muslim community.

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But I'm telling you right now,

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you will not look back on your life, five years later, and 10 years later, and regret leaving.

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You won't. But you will look back. If you make it that long. If you live that long, in five or 10 years, and you will 100% of the time regret staying. So that's the decision that has to be made five years from now. Do I want to regret having stayed here and possibly losing my own life or the life of one of my children?

00:29:26--> 00:29:39

Or do I want to take this leap of faith put my trust in the one who created me, seek some refuge from this speak to someone about it. Find a way to be safe and go out and and and

00:29:41--> 00:29:43

protect myself and my child from this.

00:29:44--> 00:29:51

That's a choice that I leave with you but I wish you would make the first one wish you would just leave. Just leave. Tell someone

00:29:53--> 00:29:58

tell someone tell some way you know you can trust to help you get you out of that situation.

00:29:59--> 00:30:00

When

00:30:00--> 00:30:33

Maybe your father, Uncle, you know male relatives, some, some somebody you know at work, somebody that you trust that can come and help get you out of that situation is willing to put themselves between you and the abuser. We need to have that service too. We need to have that service to as Muslims, we should there should be a group of brothers. For our sisters out there, that there's a hotline that you call, then if I answer that phone, and you tell me that you're in abusive relationship, and you need to help to get out and we know you know, we have shelters set up and things for battered women and stuff. And you need someone to help you come in physically and

00:30:33--> 00:30:36

physically help get you out of the house, just in case your husband shows up.

00:30:37--> 00:30:41

Sign me up, sign me up, I wish it would show up.

00:30:43--> 00:30:44

There needs to be that

00:30:45--> 00:30:46

as well as from him.

00:30:48--> 00:30:50

Once that red line is crossed,

00:30:51--> 00:30:52

you should walk.

00:30:53--> 00:31:29

Sharif. That's it, that's that's that's the red line. That's the red line, especially if you have children. Because if they get put through that repetitively, it's going to break them, and you're going to be the direct cause of it from either causing it or not leaving and exposing them to it. So walk out, never returned the violence for violence. Never do that. Brothers, put your hands on a woman. But if you're being abused, we need more resources for men, we need places that men can call and talk and feel okay to say this because it happens, it happens. And it's not because you are less than a man. It's not because sometimes a man just takes it because he doesn't want to retaliate.

00:31:31--> 00:31:47

There should be some help for you brothers. But my advice, move on, because once that line is crossed, it can't be uncrossed. There's a lot of things that can be made up for in a relationship, there's a lot of things that you can do that you can work on and you getting past. physical violence is one of those that I don't think again,

00:31:48--> 00:31:50

physical violence is a red line because

00:31:52--> 00:31:53

I would never

00:31:54--> 00:32:00

allow my children to experience what I experienced. Growing up, I

00:32:01--> 00:32:12

never want to put them through that because that never leaves you. It changes you for the rest of your life. I am not going to put my children through that that is a red line. You cross that with done game over.

00:32:15--> 00:32:28

So we need to we need to have these services we need to have these abilities. But that is my sincere devices is is to get up and walk out. Because the line is once it's crossed, that boundary is broken.

00:32:30--> 00:32:32

And for it to happen in the Muslim community

00:32:34--> 00:33:16

is always makes it worse. It always makes it worse. Why? Because we know better. We have guidance, we have knowledge given to us by Allah subhanho wa Taala. In the end, we have knowledge given to us by the prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the way he dealt with his wives, the way he dealt with his children, etc, etc. We have this the very famous Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. The best of you are those who are best to their families, meaning their wives and their children. And he did something he would rarely do he rarely praised himself. sallallahu wasallam but he said and I am best to my family, meaning I lead by example look at my example. Look at my

00:33:16--> 00:33:17

example.

00:33:18--> 00:33:25

So brothers, if you are there putting your hands on your wives, may Allah subhanho wa Taala deal with you.

00:33:26--> 00:33:32

May Allah deal with you. And if not let them let may one of us from this ummah deal with you.

00:33:34--> 00:33:39

You are taking that which Allah subhanho wa Taala has given you and blessed you with in a wife

00:33:41--> 00:33:45

in a caretaker of your children in the womb in which they will be

00:33:47--> 00:33:53

developed and grow in to the creation of Allah subhanho wa Taala and she will bear them with hardship

00:33:55--> 00:33:56

and she will bear them with hardship

00:33:58--> 00:34:03

and raise them for you. And for you to physically Put your hands on her

00:34:04--> 00:34:27

is a disrespect of the deepest of levels. is a disrespect to the deepest of levels. Sisters to put your hand on your husband, who Allah subhanho wa Taala has given you as a caretaker and as a maintainer over you whom the Prophet sallallahu wasallam said as long as a woman prays five daily Salah who praise them, praise the five daily Salawat faster in the month of Ramadan gives a care

00:34:28--> 00:34:51

in you know does the mandatory acts of Islam and her husband is pleased with her meaning that she lives with him and in the way that a husband and wife live together and co share that, that that life together and he's happy with her. Then Allah subhana wa Taala as a reward will tell her to enter into any gates of genda that she wishes all eight gates will be open and say go through any one that you want.

00:34:52--> 00:35:00

That's an honor. That's not a that's not putting women down. That is an honor. I wish I wish Allah subhanho wa Taala wouldn't

00:35:00--> 00:35:05

Make it that easy for me to get to gender just make my wife happy and woo Mashallah.

00:35:06--> 00:35:26

Every men will be brought men, especially men of the household head of the household will be brought into front of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And chains can be brought in chains, because he's going to be asked about the Justice he did on those who are under him, his wife and his children, his family, his mother, you know, his parents who, when they get older, he has to take care of them, he he's going to be directly held accountable for all of this.

00:35:27--> 00:35:49

So to put your hands on him, and disrespect him in that way and humiliate him, maybe if nobody ever knows but it humiliates him inside, it breaks away at any part of you know, his self image is a man destroying him from within. Then May Allah subhanho wa Taala deal with you in a way that is just

00:35:50--> 00:36:26

because that is the cream of the crop that's it once you break that line, you've destroyed the very fabric of what Allah Subhana what Allah has given you and spouse that Allah said between them is supposed to be what the word ohana, love, love and mercy, love and mercy between them they are partners in life and that doesn't mean it's always going to work. No, sometimes two people aren't compatible. And that's okay we'll talk about this in a later episode we're gonna deal with divorce straightforward and deal with divorce I have some experience in the matter and it's not it's not an end all have all it's not the end of the world divorce even though it's something that Allah does

00:36:26--> 00:36:29

not like it is hell is permissible for a reason.

00:36:30--> 00:36:32

Combined is got divorced.

00:36:33--> 00:36:40

The profit and loss Allah married divorced woman, he threatened a divorce his wife one time or a lot did Allah threatened to divorce them for him.

00:36:41--> 00:37:14

It happens if it's done amicably can be a beautiful thing. Because sometimes two people, the best thing for two people is to be separate. Sometimes two people just they just don't, it just doesn't work. It doesn't work and they are toxic for each other. For one number of reasons. The best thing for them to do is go their own ways. But do it with the understanding that we still love each other for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala even though we don't love each other anymore, for the sake of Allah, we are still Muslims, and we love each other, especially if there's children involved, you have to deal with it amicably. Because if not, you directly start affecting your own children. And

00:37:14--> 00:37:58

if you harm another, if you harm a child in attempt to harm your former spouse, then you're no worse than a monster who uses his abuse. This is abuse as well. You said you using your own children to do it, which makes it 1000 times even worse. Talk about that in a one in sha Allah. But domestic violence is a real matter, rather than sisters. And it's something that needs to be more, you know, bluntly dealt with the same with mental health. These two go hand in hand, because a lot of times, failing mental health is caused by domestic violence, it leads to a lot of mental health issues. It is part of the whole mental health world. So the same like we should have services to help brothers

00:37:58--> 00:38:30

and sisters were struggling mentally, we should have services for sisters and brothers who are the victims of domestic violence, and start talking about it more and make it less taboo. Make it something that people feel like when they're going through it, they will reach out because there is help out there for them. There's people who are not going to judge them, there are people who out there who are not going to hold that against them, they're just going to try to get them some help. Number one, they're going to try to make them safe. That's the number one thing, someone who's going through domestic violence needs more than anything on this planet Earth, even sometimes more than

00:38:30--> 00:38:44

food and water is they need to be safe. So we need to be able to find a way to get them safe. And then once we get them safe, we get them support, because that's what they need safety and support, because they're going to come out of those relationships, broken.

00:38:45--> 00:39:04

shattered PTSD, depression, drug addiction, alcohol, alcohol addiction, there's going to be a lot of other things that they've done over the years, to have a coping mechanism to live in the hell that they've called their life. So they're going to need help a support system.

00:39:06--> 00:39:29

We as Muslims should have that offered to our community. There is no way on God's green earth, that our sisters and our brothers who are going through domestic violence should have to go to you know a lot of these Christian charities and services in order to to free themselves from a domestic violence relationship with another Muslim. Look what it does the image it puts on the religion.

00:39:31--> 00:39:41

That is something we should deal with. Because it's not bad that it's just happening because it happens to all faiths. But it's the fact that they there's no services that we offer so they go to them.

00:39:43--> 00:39:44

That is an abomination.

00:39:46--> 00:39:47

That should happen.

00:39:48--> 00:39:54

We should have services to help our sisters and our brothers who are going through mental health. Get help.

00:39:55--> 00:40:00

Speak up, say something to someone, sisters, and especially

00:40:00--> 00:40:25

Brothers, because I know we like to keep it in fear less of a man because you get beat up by your missus. No, no, no, it's not like that. We understand we know some of the reasons why this happens and you've, you know you've entered his life with this woman, you've given her a level level of vulnerability, so she can harm you. And a lot of times a lot of men will also not be only physically but they get emotionally abused heavily in these abusive relationships and emotional abuse is abuse.

00:40:26--> 00:41:05

gaslighting is also abuse, it's another form of emotional abuse that people use to justify their actions. So all of these things need to be tackled and dealt with head on, head on, but as they are as an issue, as an issue, unfortunately, the only time we like to talk about these things is when you know personalities are found guilty of them, celebrities, you know, influencers, when they're found guilty of it all we need to protect ourselves. Why don't you talk about the issues? Why is it only when you can get some clout off someone's name, that you bring up these issues? How about you talk about the issue for what it is, as an issue, it's an issue that doesn't have a name, it's not

00:41:07--> 00:41:16

any particular type of person, any particular race, any particular gender, that this is a crime that spans all.

00:41:17--> 00:41:32

So let's talk about it as an issue, not just when there's some clout to be made, because of it might be more helpful to the matter. And you might save some more people, my grandmother wasn't saved, my mother wasn't saved. I was saved physically.

00:41:34--> 00:41:36

But was I saved internally.

00:41:37--> 00:41:40

Not for a long time, I fought those demons for

00:41:41--> 00:41:46

when you out of your people, you know, I'm fighting my demons. You know, a lot of people say this just when they have stress about a math test.

00:41:49--> 00:42:04

But when I say fighting demons, I understand what that means on a on a real level of fighting demons, darkness inside of you, that wants to destroy everyone in everything, including yourself, that does not care, burn the world down with you in it.

00:42:06--> 00:42:20

That's darkness, that's demons. So I fought those demons for many years. And it wasn't till very recently, that just began the process of healing about these things, and getting to a point to where not only I could heal from them, but be open about them. So

00:42:22--> 00:42:56

we need to fix this. Just like we need to fix them into healthy to fix this. And as I as I said, in the last episode, I've made it my life's mission to just try to be helpful and try to talk about subjects that I feel like need to be talked about. Because if something changes, I'll be happy, and hamdulillah. And if I can have some factor in that, and maybe get some hassle, not when I when when when when my bones are turning to dust, even better, what hamdulillah because I'm going to need them, you're going to need them. So any any good deed you can send my way.

00:42:57--> 00:43:05

Send them some, some people send good deeds in the wrong way. They're handing over their good deeds left, right and center, I'll take those two, take those two, you know what I mean?

00:43:08--> 00:43:49

But we need to fix this issue. Mental health is a real I mean, domestic violence is a real issue. It happens to men, it happens to women, and it happens to children. Child abuse is old, another one that that deserves his own thing. And I'll talk about that next time. Because it happened to me, but it's a real issue that we need to put front and center demand that there'll be more services about this demand these things, you know, rather than, you know, your local community, you know, maybe putting a $250,000 addition to the masjid built out of you know, marble and brick, maybe put some put put put even a quarter of that, to getting some mental health services and domestic violence

00:43:50--> 00:44:06

services in the community, or otherwise, you're going to be building big, beautiful machines that have nobody to inhabit them. In the next generation or two, nobody was able to go in them, because you haven't done enough to foster the community. So you're building buildings that will be empty. May Allah protect us from that.

00:44:07--> 00:44:08

This is a domestic violence tapes.

00:44:11--> 00:44:11

I miss my mom.

00:44:15--> 00:44:15

You know,

00:44:17--> 00:44:18

how do I miss my mom.

00:44:20--> 00:44:23

She used to call me every day. When I got out of prison.

00:44:24--> 00:44:27

She used to call me every day, every single day.

00:44:28--> 00:44:40

My mom had also been back and forth to jail for not paying my child support. My dad had her own child support and when she wouldn't pay it when you don't pay child support, they will eventually take you to jail. And then when you go to jail you you go farther behind on child support.

00:44:42--> 00:44:46

So it's like a revolving door and it's still broken like that to this day.

00:44:47--> 00:44:56

The whole child support system in parenting, the way they divided up. We'll talk about that in another episode. Trust me, I have that one. I have that one. loaded and ready

00:44:58--> 00:44:58

but

00:45:00--> 00:45:19

But eventually I told my dad when I was when I first got into prison, she still had warrants out for child support. And I went and I just straight up told my dad, the hell's wrong with you. Drop that now, immediately like today, before we leave here for relief southcott before we left out kind of that day, I made him go right into that because you can drop it at the jailhouse. So go right in there and drop that right now.

00:45:20--> 00:45:23

But she's caught me every day. And

00:45:24--> 00:45:27

her nickname for me was pumpkin. I was her pumpkin.

00:45:28--> 00:46:05

I don't know why I call my daughter pumpkin sometimes to just because it reminds me of a mom. She was to send me pictures of her holding a pumpkin because she grew pumpkins in her garden. And she be like, you know, this is you. I was her pumpkin. And she used to call me every single day. And I missed those calls. On my birthday, she would call me even though she knew I didn't celebrate my birthday. she'd call me on Christmas, she would call me she'd be like, I know you don't celebrate Christmas. I know you're Muslim. And because she knew I told her a lot about Islam. She said, I know you're Muslim, you don't celebrate. But I'm your mother. And I'm going to call and tell you Happy

00:46:05--> 00:46:10

Birthday anyway, to McAllen tell you Merry Christmas anyway. And you're going to have to listen to me because I'm your mother.

00:46:12--> 00:46:20

And then she's right. She's my mom, you know, and I and I, and I miss her, you know, miss her a lot. And same way like my grandmother, like,

00:46:22--> 00:46:24

you know, I had to do a lot of this on my own.

00:46:26--> 00:46:30

And it made him made a lot of mistakes. But I had to do it on my own, you know, like you guys lift me.

00:46:33--> 00:46:35

So I had to figure it out. And I was still reeling from

00:46:38--> 00:46:39

my childhood in losing YouTube.

00:46:41--> 00:46:41

You know, so I did.

00:46:43--> 00:46:46

There are times when I did Dumb, dumb things.

00:46:48--> 00:46:52

But you know, such as life, we live in, we learn and we try to move on.

00:46:53--> 00:47:30

And we try to make peace with these things. And that's all I can do now is make peace with it. I can't resolve it. These people are gone. I never met my grandmother, like on the cameras all of it. Scott learn to process and they would. So I hope everyone out there hurting and has been through domestic violence know that we that there's somebody there for you, there's got to be somebody there for you. And if not, we need to make somebody there for you reach out to someone try, look, please get out of these situations before the death of you. If you know someone who's been put through domestic violence, and they don't want to talk or tell it, just send them this, send this video and

00:47:30--> 00:48:00

tell them where we're working on some help. We're going to work on some help. I'm going to I'm going to try to hold some feet to the fire and see if we can find some help. And if there was some domestic services out there domestic violence services dropped them here in the comments dropping, dropping, so we can try to help them and grow them bigger challah, drop them right here. Or if you run a domestic violence center for Muslims or halfway house the thing that reached out to me so I can add you to a Rolodex, you know that if anybody comes to me that I know who help them reach out to

00:48:02--> 00:48:05

I said, domestic violence tapes, part one.

00:48:07--> 00:48:08

Domestic Violence kills people.

00:48:11--> 00:48:13

Don't let you become a victim.

00:48:14--> 00:48:15

And if you're a perpetrator,

00:48:16--> 00:48:17

get some help.

00:48:18--> 00:48:26

Get them out, leave, walk out, get some help. Focus on your work on you. Everything is changeable. People can change is that want to you have to put in the effort.

00:48:28--> 00:48:29

And I'll see you guys in the next one.

00:48:30--> 00:48:32

Domestic violence as part two we're going to talk about

00:48:34--> 00:49:06

my hellacious childhood of being abused by my stepmom and locked in prison basically in my room. I love you guys for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala. I pray for you and your families, that you're safe in your homes, you have peace in your homes, you have peace in your hearts, you have peace in your minds, and you have peace in your souls. And if you can support any of the projects that we're doing, just please the links are right there in the description. Just click on the link and try to support what we're trying to push to get all these initiatives off the ground in sha Allah. See in the next one, I said I'm what what I'm going to lie ii wabarakatuh