Yousuf Raza – I cheated on my fianc how do I live myself
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fiance, including guilt and negative
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of it.
So this question comes from a 26 year
old gentleman, and I'm going to try to
change details as much as possible to maintain
anonymity and so you cannot understand or try
to reach as to who that person is.
Right?
So yeah, so this person, 26 year old
gentleman, God knows who he is, where he's
from, saying that he is struggling with his
relationship with his fiance.
He says that we've known each other since
our teenage and it's what's everything was okay.
We got engaged a couple of years ago,
and everything seems to be compatible.
Family is similar.
Education is similar.
All of that is good, but I don't
think she's comfortable with the idea of marrying
me for no apparent reason.
And we don't have that much of a
communication.
We're not on very good terms with each
other.
And we hardly ever talk.
Okay, so that's one part of the problem.
Second part of the problem, this gentleman says
that I have this guilt because I happened
to cheat on my fiance at some point,
there was some someone that I had an
intimacy with that I wasn't able to refuse.
And even though I realized my mistake, and
I thought never to do something like that
again, but that still haunts me that that
guilt is holding me back.
And that guilt is one of the reasons
why I feel that maybe it's just not
meant to be that my this is me
getting punished for a sin that I've committed.
And so I should just let it be.
Or he's saying that there's two options that
I have.
Should I be judge jury and executioner on
myself on the basis of that guilt and
back away?
Or I should let it continue for whatever
it is.
Okay, so my response to this particular gentleman
and his situation would be that if you
are to back away from this relationship, if
you are to stop considering continuing in this
particular relationship, guilt is not the reason.
See, guilt is one of the best teachers
that anyone can have.
But if the outcome of that guilt is
constructive, it is practical, if it is something
that we can take constructive, positive action as
a consequence.
For instance, you mentioned in this particular question
that you pose that you had that particular
action that you get according to your own
value system, according to your religious values that
you conform to and your commitment to your
fiance, that was something that you should not
have done.
And that's what your guilt is telling you
that a you had responsibility.
So you shouldn't have done it and be
you had the ability to not do it.
So you should not have done it.
Right.
So that's what guilt is teaching you.
Now you draw a lesson from that guilt
and you back away from any such action
in the future.
And you're holding yourself true to that.
And with whatever respect, you were unfaithful, let's
say you're trying to compensate, you're trying to
overcome that particular lapse in your relationship towards
that particular person, being more dutiful to them
being more sincere to them being more fulfilling
in your relationship towards them.
So you're doing all of that.
That's what guilt requires for you to improve,
not do what you did before and try
to continue to compensate practically rather than wallowing
in this self-hatred and the self-punishment.
That's not the kind of outcome we want
from guilt.
That's pathological.
That's the sickness that we don't want.
That's not something that's constructive.
That's actually for your personality, for your spirituality.
It takes you a step down.
It actually takes you on a downward spiral.
And we want to get the most benefit
out of guilt as possible rather than allowing
for that guilt to be used for our
own downfall.
Right?
So not because of the guilt do you
step out of this particular relationship.
But there are indications in your question that
your fiance does not seem to be interested.
If I were in your place, I'd be
very straight up in communicating and in telling
her that, listen, I love you or I
want to love you and I want to
love you for the rest of our lives.
But we got to get things straight here.
Is it me?
Are you not interested in me?
Is it something I said?
What is it?
We need to know.
Is it the idea of marriage?
Because we shouldn't be able to go on
like this.
Right?
So why is it that she's uncomfortable?
Maybe there is a possibility that coming from
the cultural values that you do or that
she may come from, she may be saying
that I don't want to get into any
particular emotional attachment prior to getting married.
Maybe that's her perspective.
Or if that's not the case and you
are the reason she's not happy with you
or she doesn't have any feelings for you
or maybe she has feelings for anyone else.
It doesn't matter.
You need to find out.
You need to have a conversation.
You need to have a candid conversation.
Bring these things on the table.
And if it is your guilt that is
holding you back from bringing these things on
the table, then don't let it.
Have that conversation.
Let her decide and respect that decision.
If it is family pressure that you guys
know each other, your families know each other,
that is forcing her to conform to this
relationship or she has a difficulty in saying
no, refusing you after two years of being
engaged to you and she's changed her mind
but she can't get herself to express that
she's changed her mind.
Whatever the situation may be, you need to
give her the room to express herself and
the room to make a choice that she
wants to make.
Sometimes the best action, the best manifestation of
your love for someone is letting them go.
So if that's what it is, if that's
what this particular relationship entails, by all means,
that's what it should be.
But you don't know that until you have
that conversation, until you find out what it
is that is keeping her back from not
participating in this relationship or giving off signs
that she's not interested, talk about it.
Because if you're not going to just assume
that, okay, fine, let's just let it go
the way it is.
Maybe once we're together, she'll fall in love
with me and everything will be hunky dory.
No, don't go for that.
You don't want to do that to you,
to yourself or to her.
That you take that risk that somebody does
not seem to be all that okay with
you and you make such a lifelong commitment
with them.
So I hope that somewhat addresses your issue.
Again, those of you who are listening in
similar situations, we draw lessons from it.
But do they apply to a particular situation?
We have to be very, very careful.