Yousuf Raza – Consequences of Coddling
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AI: Transcript ©
Yes, in the name of Allah, peace and
blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah.
Assalamu alaikum, everybody.
Yes, Azam, how are you?
Assalamu alaikum, brother Yusuf, how are you?
I am fine.
I heard that you are going to America.
Just the fog of Lahore stopped me from
going to America.
Okay, because of which our unscheduled show got
scheduled.
And we are here talking about what we
were supposed to talk about last week and
then next week, but we are talking about
it this week.
That's just how we roll.
Yes, so let's kick it off.
Azam, why did you want this topic to
be discussed?
Coddling, helicopter parenting.
What do you want?
So, I have been trying.
I was trying to convince Yusuf to do
this topic for a long time.
But Yusuf was avoiding it.
And for that, I will have to prop
up a little bit about why Yusuf was
avoiding it.
But the topic is very dear to me.
Because at least in my practice, I can
confidently say that a lot of people come
to us with issues.
So, either in their own parents, they faced
this in their childhood.
Or something like this happened in someone else's
childhood.
And because of this special kind of personality,
some people are suffering and they come to
us.
So, there are two types of people.
One who have experienced this with them and
the other who haven't.
But because someone else's personality is prevalent in
such an environment, and now they are dependent
on them, they are facing a lot of
suffering.
So, it is not uncommon.
Okay.
So, because coddling or helicopter parenting directly influences
the personalities as they're reared, and then those
lead people to us, this is something that
we were going to discuss.
What do you mean by coddling and helicopter
parenting?
So, I will divide it into two parts.
One is that those parents who give their
child, as we say in Urdu, a lot
of credit for everything.
Well done, my son, well done.
Now, whatever the child is doing, he is
getting a lot of credit.
So, this is a different kind of personality.
Well done for everything.
And he doesn't have any strictness in his
childhood.
He doesn't have any concept of right or
wrong.
He has his own personal space.
And how the other person is ahead of
him at many occasions, or at least equal
to him.
This is the concept.
Okay.
So, one is that those parents who give
their child a lot of credit for everything.
Well done, my son, well done.
You don't have to worry, your father is
with you.
Okay.
So, that is one thing.
The second thing is the exact opposite of
this.
But that is also coddling.
And that is that when parents are very
involved in the life of their children, they
want to decide everything themselves.
Which friends will the child have, which will
not have, which course will he take, which
will not take.
Out of goodwill, they take care of him
from childhood.
Which clothes to wear, which not to wear,
how to walk, how to sit, how to
speak, how not to speak.
All these things are absolutely good.
But when they go beyond a limit, then
that very rigid kind of personality comes
into existence.
First of all, there is this thing, rigid,
fixed pattern, everything.
And the second thing we see in it
is that the child who is growing up,
has no will of his own, his own
will, his own likes and dislikes.
He has never done this.
So when he is free from his parents,
or when his parents die, or even those
marriages take place.
And you and I have seen so many
females like this, that they come and say
that whatever we say, our husband goes and
tells his mother-in-law.
And because of that, there is a problem
at home.
Because he has never decided his life without
his parents.
So that very passive, dependent kind of personality
comes into existence.
So these two different kinds of coddling have
come to my mind right now.
Fair, fair.
So when we talk about this, both of
these are in a sense, parents who are
over-involved and involved in a very negative
sense.
The first category you defined, that they are
appreciating.
They are giving positive reinforcement.
But they are giving it in the wrong
things.
And the word you used for appreciating, we
hear it very commonly from the parents, that
I give my child confidence in everything.
So it's not a matter of pride if
you give him confidence in everything.
And it is possible that you are giving
him confidence in anything, but you are avoiding
a conflict.
That is a convenience that has been taken
up.
It is just so easy to not stop
them from anything.
And let them do whatever it is that
they're doing.
So that's also very commonly seen.
So let's take this particular category up first.
A child who has not set a boundary.
He has got constant reinforcement in his behavior.
He gets approval on everything.
There is no tough love.
And when in the absence of that tough
love, what do we see?
How do they turn out?
How will they be in school?
How will they be when they grow up?
What are we looking at?
So Yusuf, a very common complaint we see
in teenagers, is that they have never said
no at home.
So when they are out, if they have
any setback, a failure in school or college,
a test that is left, or any setback
in any relationship, the reaction that comes there,
the most inevitable thing for them is that
they say no.
So we can say that there is narcissism,
who has no habit of saying no.
Who does not know that I will be
forbidden from anything, or I will have a
failure, or I will want something and I
will not get it.
Okay.
So this can result in two things, right?
That they suddenly have to say no to
teachers, to friends, to the workplace, or generally
to life.
Right?
Life doesn't give them what they expect.
Life doesn't give them what they, they're always
getting something other, or a lot of times
they're getting something other than what they worked
for, or, you know, expected.
Then, poor
thing, her individuality is also there, she's sleeping
somewhere inside, she's calling, that, ask Sanuvi.
There's that dimension as well.
How do you, how do we see those,
that, what are the consequences of that particular
kind of helicopter parenting?
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Obsessed with perfection and control.
Major causes of obsessive compulsive disorder.
So, it can go back to this.
I don't know.
I don't know.
perfection distaste for ambiguity or uncertainty obsessive
personality because
all the parents who have trained their children
they are not calling them two people, they
are calling them seven people and even what
I think whatever is religiously done and within
the parents if religion is religiously done or
if they have have.
They are very successful professionals and becoming those
very successful professionals required for them to be
religiously diligent with respect to their profession.
success.
and they would want that to be replicated
in their children as well and when they
go about it in the same disciplinarian fashion
looking to control literally write down the script
for their children's entire lives.
and then if the child wants to do
something else and in our particular case it's
usually a doctor or an engineer.
and if the child has a passion for
cooking or art or if they say that
they want to study philosophy then the day
will come when they will be taunted.
or after MBBS they will say that they
want to do psychiatry.
pretty much the story of everyone who's part
of this profession.
it's going to create a complete chaos.
so there is that.
and we've seen right.
we've seen.
this particular style of parenting how this results
in children becoming obsessive.
but the internal representation of the parents.
and unless this is identified.
the parents are in.
they have a remote control.
they can have.
decades.
but through that psyche.
they are still exercising that control.
perfectionism.
ambiguity.
black and white.
black and white.
and the chaos that results.
I mean the reality that we live in
is grey in so many different ways.
and there are so many different shades of
black and white.
and there's an entire color spectrum.
and there's no hard boundary between any of
any any two colors.
for them to be.
they fail to see that.
and which is why they will become cultish.
they will become rigid.
they will become intolerant.
it is utterly impossible.
it is my way or the highway.
I am the only guided person in the
world or my group and everyone else is
misguided.
I mean we see this manifesting.
within a.
within a social.
setup.
and it's it literally takes lives.
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family planning family planning family planning family planning
and
it's
not just unfulfilled lives.
that's the coddling and helicoptering that that we're
trying to bring, you know, shed light on.
So Yusuf, then what will be the balance?
Because this question will be in everyone's mind
that if we are very much involved, then
that is also a problem, if we are
not involved, then that is also a problem.
So how will the balance be?
How to judge that?
See, I think it's important to understand that
the younger the child is, the more attention,
the more control, the more involvement is necessary.
So if I stop you here and ask
you, is that control, involvement and attention, is
it to such an extent that why did
you drop a one-year-old child on
the ground?
So now we know that until the child
is 2-3 years old, to expect for
them to behave like an adult, that would
be ridiculous, right?
You're expecting a higher stage of development of
actions or behavior at a very young age.
Can we say that any child is growing
up from 6 months, 1 year, 2 years,
you must teach them the manners you want
to teach them, but if they can't do
it, then don't scold them, don't beat them,
and if you want to be strict, then
be strict only on those things which can
cause harm to the child or someone else
around them.
For example, if the child is holding a
knife, you will scold him, if he is
raising his hand on the switch, you will
scold him, and that too, first you yourself,
pay attention to yourself, keep the knife away
from him, keep it at a higher place,
if he still raises his knife on the
shelf, then you scold him, if you put
tape on it, if he still puts the
tape from his mouth, and still puts his
finger in the middle, then you scold him,
otherwise, first get rid of all these things,
and expect from the child that he will
not drop it on the ground for 1
-1.5 years, he will not make his
clothes dirty, then when will he do it?
Absolutely right.
I mean, you expect from children that they
will not make noise as toddlers, if they
don't make noise then when will they make
noise?
When are they supposed to have fun and
let themselves go?
How many kids do we know, or how
many adults do we know, who literally break
down between our sessions, that I never got
a chance to become a kid, I never
spent my life as a kid, I still
have a kid inside of me, who is
unfulfilled, and it's ridiculous that you have these
expectations, that you never lived up to yourself
as a child, were you not making a
mess as a 2 year old, how unrealistic
can you be?
I think it's very important for us as
parents to be aware, that what is possible
for a kid of this age, and what
to expect from him is torture, is abuse,
he is not in a prison, that you
are taking him to that level.
Generally the balance would be that you involve,
engage, choose, love, coddle as much as you
can when it's an infant, and then in
various areas gradually it will start tapering, it
will start empowering, it will start tapering, if
kids are able to do what they want,
even if they make the wrong choice, the
lesson they will learn from making their own
wrong choice, and what they will develop as
individuals, that they themselves made a decision and
enacted it, that's invaluable, even if it's a
mistake, and again this is the same search
of perfectionism, this wild goose chase, the potential
of learning in a mistake, the potential of
truth discovery, the potential of growth, the potential
of therapeutic, we can't even recognize it, that
how important is a mistake, how important is
it to grow, and when a person will
not make his own decisions, how will he
make a mistake, so we have to let
them make their own choices, and make their
own mistakes.
Yusuf, I remembered something, when we have these
people in therapy, how commonly we hear this
sentence, Doctor, I don't understand, you tell me
how to spend my life, so they are
even expecting this from the therapist, they want
you to take on the therapeutic role, the
father has passed away, now you take his
place, and a lot of us would fall
for that, a lot of us would fall
for that, not realizing that we are just
reenacting the logic of the problem, that the
problem from where it started, we are playing
our role in making it worse, and that's
very dangerous, that is very very dangerous, so
there is all of that, do you think
we should take it to the questions, do
we have any, no, this one,
you can
definitely
ask them, who are your friends, how many
friends do you have, where do you come
from, what are your names, but don't make
it an interrogation, when the child comes from
school, ask him, did he hit you, did
he hit you, did this happen, did he
say anything to you, or when the child
comes from outside, what did he say to
you, what did you say, so you should
at least know that, did any of these
friends cause any harm, or did my child
cause any harm, for example, you should definitely
know, that your child is not doing drugs,
but if your child is not doing drugs,
then you don't need to know, that if
he plays somewhere, then what position does he
play, does he bat, does he bowl, does
he get an opener or not, you don't
need to interfere in this, that what does
he eat, what doesn't he eat, or if
he goes somewhere and spends a lot of
money, then you don't need to interfere, but
if he is sitting somewhere with his friends,
then you don't need to ask, that if
you gave 200, then how much did your
friend give, that if he gave less than
20 rupees, then is he exploiting you, so
you have to be very careful about those
extremes, and you have to tell him, that
you don't want to do drugs, you don't
want to play rash games, rash driving, you
don't want to gamble, but if he wants
to play something else, you don't tell him,
that table tennis is not a good game,
you play cricket, or volleyball is not good,
or in online gaming, you play Moana, you
play CS, so there is no need for
interference to this extent, let him explore his
interests, and we have seen, that the interference
will go to the level, that which cartoon
you want to watch, which you don't want
to watch, and in that, right down to
the nitty-gritty, that what kind of authors,
like teenagers, 16, 17, 18 years old, are
being told, no, no, no, you are not
supposed to read this, that gets really, really
difficult, that's all around the child, we do
want, that the parents are available, if the
child himself, wants to delve into these details,
if a child wants to share these details,
especially a small child, then the communication channel,
and opportunity should be such, that he should
feel free to do so, and that's probably
going to be key, that we have to
keep that communication channel alive, we don't have
to suffocate it, so that interrogation starts in
it, but when from there, for example, if
there is bullying taking place at school, the
child should feel comfortable, to come and talk
about it, with their parent, and should not
fear, that if I tell them, they will
scold me, and therefore have to live with
it, for an indefinite period, right, so our
focus needs to remain, on making sure, that
that communication channel is open, Shiba Ansari has
asked about primary school girls, so the principle
will be the same, that whatever you think
is wrong, or potentially wrong, do tell them
about it, but don't tell them, that there
is only one right thing, that I am
telling you, and there can be very small
examples, where you can grow their individuality, for
example, if your daughter has a choice, that
she can wear two frocks, then ask her,
which one do you want to wear, which
one do you want to wear, don't force
her, that I like this, I will make
you wear this, don't do this, you have
the option, that you can make two different
meals, you can ask your child, which one
do you want to eat, which one do
you like, right, if he says, that if
you think, that your child is eating, leaves
from outside, you will definitely tell him about
it, or you will definitely tell him, that
this thing is harmful, don't do this, so
the wrongs, you can name them, and tell
them, but the rights, they have a lot
of variety, don't limit them, leave it to
them, what they have to choose from that,
let's go, how much should we interfere, in
a teenager's life, while living in an un
-Islamic country, which is practically the entire world,
where parents are totally blank, about their interests,
they have a second comment, especially regarding social
media, what checks are appropriate, okay, so in
this, of course, I am not saying to
those, who asked the question, but a very
common excuse, of parents, that we don't know,
what will happen in this, something bad can
happen in this, that's why we say no,
so as parents, it is your responsibility, to
know the new things, that are coming, instead
of limiting, your child's creativity, and potential, according
to their time, you should know, at least
the big things, of the new times, that
the potential, good or bad, that can happen,
you should know that, as far as, they
said, that in an un-Islamic country, and
social media, so there, you should tell them,
the principles, that are right or wrong, according
to you, what can be harmful, for them,
but please, don't do that, that their friend
list, you tell them, open it and show
me, who are your friends, so by doing
this, there will be no benefit, first of
all, what they have to do, as you
said, in an un-Islamic country, they have
to do, and if they can't do it,
if you are successful in this, then you
will kill, their individuality, and this is, quite
a common problem, with expats, that you have,
come from a Pakistani culture, your parenting, happened
here, the technology, that was there, when we
were kids, the social media, that was, social
media practically, was not existent, when most of
expat parents, were kids, and now the situation,
is completely different, now we expect, that when
strictness is done, then rebellion, is bred, it
is only a matter of time, the kids
will call the cops, on their parents, and,
or they will wait, that okay, you can
cover us, till the age of 16, till
the age of 18, as much as you
can, that too, will be an entirely turbulent
period, fights, fights, shouts, shouts, things breaking, threats,
self-cutting, all that, and then finally, as
soon as they get a chance, 18 they
are out, and they are, hardly ever looking
back, they are hardly, ever looking back, so,
the idea, is not that, how much discipline,
you do, how much you don't, what you
allow, what you don't allow, that's the tip
of the iceberg, you missed, the point, a
long time back, is there, a genuine communication
channel, emotional connection, with the children, or not,
first thing, second thing, using that communication channel,
and emotional connection, were you able to, connect
the children, to your parent culture, and if
you were not, able to connect them, with
their parent culture, the biggest mistake, that we
make, not only, as expats, mostly as expats,
in foreign countries, but also now, in Pakistan,
that our children, with that culture, the language,
that has to connect them, that language, the
children don't know, so, not only that language,
is alien and foreign for them, that culture,
and all the values, and do's and don'ts,
for them, are alien and foreign, and therefore,
for them, with all the social pressure, the
peer pressure, that they have, to remain within,
the parents expectations, is exceedingly difficult, and, that's
where, the challenge, has reached the next level,
or, discipline, rebellion, a vicious cycle, and we're
practically, ensuring that, the child has, has disconnected,
from most, and we see so many, first
generation, Americans, Brits, whose parents, had gone from
Pakistan, who are literally ashamed, of anything Pakistani,
of everything, from their parent country, be it
language, be it clothes, be it food, be
it anything, those people, who, against racism, will
raise their voice, so loudly, with their fellow
Americans, they are so racist, against their own,
parent culture, that it is mind-boggling, that
for them, everything, about their parent culture, is
inferior, and I'll say this outright, when we,
when we do something, which is worth something,
intellectually, or socially, or, whatever, something like this,
is happening in Pakistan, I mean, where is
that coming from, where is that coming from,
that the idea of, where Pakistan is, or
what is possible in Pakistan, as opposed to,
where the rest of the world is, and
what the possibilities are there, it is so
deeply entrenched, everything superior, is automatically Western, and
everything Eastern, and everything Desi, is by default
inferior, it's, it's, it's incredibly, deplorable, and then
we expect, that, I don't know what's wrong
with them, we weren't like this, let's go,
what to do?
So, Yusuf, I think that's, that should be
all, that should be all, so that's a
wrap, thank you so much people, for, joining
us, for your questions, for participating, there was
some technical difficulty, or the other, because of
which, this could not go live, from all
our pages, but, it is what it is,
and we'll be posting the video, so thank
you all, thank you Azam, for bringing this,
to us, and having this, discussion, we look
forward to, our next session, and until then,
Allah Hafiz, Assalamu Alaikum, Wa Rahmatullah, Wa Rahmatullah,
Alhamdulillah,