Yousef Bakeer – Five Things To Consider Before Marriage

Muhammadan Abu Asmaa,

mobari Kala Nabi Na wa Habibi

na Muhammad, Ali Ali wa sah Abu Asmaa, says, All believers have

taqwa in Allah azza wa jal, which means that

we should be conscious of him. We should be aware of him, and we

should protect ourselves from his punishment and his wrath. And we

should never die, except in a state of ILAHA, illallah,

Muhammad, Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam, state of

submission to our Lord, to our maker. I begin my khutbah by

asking Allah, subhana wa taala, first and foremost, to send

prayers and blessings upon our Habib, our Rasul, our Prophet,

salallahu, alayhi wa sallam, Allah Mubarak, Allah abduka, habibika,

muhammadin, Wali. He was Abhi. He was Salim, Tesla and kathirah, My

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Islam as salaam alaikum, warahmatullahi,

wabarakatuh.

Couple of years ago, I sent a survey to American Muslims.

I actually was targeting, you know, young Muslims. And I asked

very simple questions, two questions,

if you are considering marriage, why do you want to marry? What is

the reason. Then the second question was, if you are married,

then why is it that you still thriving through this marriage,

trying to make things work through this marriage? Why is it that you

still married?

Two things First, if you want to consider marriage. Why do you want

to consider marriage? What is the reason? What is the motive?

And the second question was, if you are married, what is keeping

you in this relationship? Now, as I was going through the responses

this morning, I figured that Subhanallah, that challenges that

Muslims face is still very valid until today. I mean, we're not

talking about a long time ago, talking about a couple of years

ago, but it looks like this is one of the most challenges, one of the

one of the challenges is really threatening the Muslim community

and the West and specifically in America, one of the issues that we

really need to give a lot of attention into it. This is one of

the biggest threats to the Muslim community marriage.

There is a big problem. There big problem to pursue marriage. That's

one aspect. Finding the right spouse

is very challenging,

very challenging. And then getting married and keeping this marriage,

especially in the first five years, is very challenging. The

divorce rate is actually increasing in the first five years

of marriage. So obviously, there is a real issue right here that we

want to address. We cannot be silent about it. We have to talk

about it. We have no other alternatives, no other options but

to talk about it and to address it and to have conversations about

it. As of Allah, I summarized five points because I know, due to the

limitations of the khutbah, limitations of the time of the

khutbah,

I only want to cover five points, and I will go through it really

quickly, maybe two minutes for each point. Inshallah, so again,

the question, why do you want to marry?

And I got good responses, actually,

some of these responses talking about, I felt chastity. Some said,

you know, I want to marry because I want a companionship.

Some others said, Well, we actually want to explore the

world. We want to have good time.

And subhanAllah. These are good answers,

but there is one answer that I was looking for that I didn't get.

Why do you want to marry? There has to be something higher than

this, a reason that's a little higher or not a little much.

Obviously

we're going to protect ourselves from the fitten sure we want to,

you know, protect our, you know, our our faith through lowering our

gaze and having a halal alternative. That's obviously

something that.

That's that's very noble, and it's rooted in our shayah. But there

has to be something that's higher than that, and that is Subhanallah

is just looking at Prophet Zakaria ay Salaam. He was making dua to

Allah azza wa jal, and he said, Rabbi habili Mill.

He is identifying the ultimate goal of marriage. He said, I want

an offspring. I want to build a family. And I want children that

they can come and they can continue my legacy once I go to my

grave. I want children that they can actually benefit me and my

grave. We all know the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu, sallam,

when he said three things, the only three things that can benefit

me and you in our graves. One of them is, well, abusal, a righteous

child that can make dua for you after you pass. This idea of

legacy, by the way, is not only an Islamic concept. Obviously, it's,

it's also, you know, Western concept, secular concept, is to

actually have somebody who can, you know, continue my legacy. But

there is a, there is a difference, and I will highlight this. But

just like it is definitely a secular concept. I mean, you know,

LeBron James is a great basketball player, and now he's investing in

his son. Him along his son, are going to play in the NBA for the

very first time. It's exciting. Has his own son wants to actually,

you know, continue his legacy, because he wants to be remembered

once he passes, which is good,

but there is a little tweak when it comes to Muslims, when it comes

to believers, we want the same concept, but for a higher purpose

than this. We want Jannah, and we want to go on the day of judgment,

and we want the Prophet sallallahu, sallam, to boost all

of us in front of all nations, because he said it tazawaju, say,

ini mubahim, bukum, uma Maq get married, have children, because I

want, on the Day of Judgment, to be proud of you in front of

everybody. I want to boost you in front of everybody, in front of

all other nations. You are a unique nation.

So yes, we are worshiping Allah azza wa jal throughout this

marriage relationship. I want to, I want us to look at marriage from

this lens. Obviously, there are many dunya we gains from getting

married and protecting yourself, but there's something higher than

that,

And subhanAllah that really highlights the message of the

Prophet sallallahu sallam, because when he came he said Qul in the

salahti one nusuki wa mahiya wa Maiti li LA. All

of my dunya and all of my ahira and all of my prayers and all of

my fasting should evolve around faith. Should be driven from

faith. Faith is our anchors, our our our motive, our main motive,

to get married. That should be the case. That's number one. Now

number two,

common mistakes we make before marriage, we think marriage is

going to fix my personal problems, my personal issues. I'm dealing

with couple of issues, and I think once I get married, those problems

will vanish. I'm going to be good. I'm struggling with depression or

anxiety. I'm struggling with, you know, my financial state, and

struggling with this. I'm struggling with that,

and I think by getting married, all of these problems will

disappear. That's one of the common misunderstanding of

marriage, and as of Allah, if you think about it, the ulama and the

scholars actually said that marriage, the ruling of marriage,

marriage could be haram, could be prohibited, and it could be

obligatory and it could be disliked.

How so well? Imam of Hanifah has identified this. He said, If you

are not fit to be a spouse, and you are going to leave harm more

than benefit, and you're not ready for marriage, then it's haram to

get married.

You're not ready, financially, you're not, you're not ready,

spiritually, emotionally, mentally, you're not, you're not

ready. And you think by getting married, I will my Iman is going

to, you know,

it's gonna rise and my financial state will magically be much

better, and my emotional state will be fixed, and everything is

going to be perfect once I just make that step. Well, that's not

how it works.

The advice that Imam Abu Hanifa said is highlighting.

Concept of doing, assisting yourself first before getting into

that commitment. Am I ready really for marriage

and please, we don't want to use any religious, any Islamic, you

know, Islamic delilles, to tweak some texts just to make ourselves

feel better, even though we know for a fact that we're not even

ready for it. I have no financial plans to get married. I have

absolutely no desire to put efforts even to get actually, you

know, financially stable. I know for a fact that I'm not even

looking for jobs. I'm not ready. And then I say, well, Allah,

Allahu, Azza, Allah is the One who provides. Then I will just

tawakkal Allah, and I put my trust in Allah, and I will get married.

Well, tawakkul Allah comes with your plans, with your efforts.

Tawakkul Allah does not come to you if you are not looking for it,

meaning you're taking all of the means you're getting ready. And

I'm talking here specifically to men,

we need to be actually up to the bar. We're getting married. We

need to be responsible, and we need to have a plan.

By the way, El kawama is a privilege. Al qawa, when it comes

to this concept of kawama, you are the leader of the House. It comes

for a reason, because you as a man, should take ownership over

this. You work, and you have a solid plan, financial plan, and

then now you actually get that privilege. You cannot go to a

relationship, and you're absolutely not, not ready for it.

Now,

again, this is really interesting, because this is a very common

mistake that we make before marriage.

Is this idea of, well,

I am

getting older and I want to marry.

Two things happen here, either I want to rush the process,

I want to rush the process. I have this pressure from home, from

society, and I want to make sure that I just get married, and I

make that decision, this emotional decision, and I commit myself to a

long term commitment.

I'm under a lot of influence. I'm getting older. First and foremost,

we want to know why you you got old, you got to that age, and you

didn't make a decision yet to marry. But regardless of this, now

we are at position where there is a pressure.

Okay, now, should I just marry for the sake of marriage, or should I

wait until I actually found the right spouse? Well, to just

summarize this, marry in the right time. When is the right time? When

you're emotionally ready, spiritually ready, financially

ready, mentally ready, and you find the right spouse five things.

It means that maybe we shouldn't delay marriage for education

if I know that this is my right time to marry and I'm ready, I'm

financially ready, I'm emotionally ready. I'm spiritually ready, and

there is a potential good spouse. Why would I delay this for a

career or education, one

of the common mistakes we see. And then we come at the age of 35 age

of 40, and then we now we're stuck. I focused so much on my

career, I focus so much on my education, and now I don't think

that's that's actually the right time for me to marry

well,

I would say the following When it comes to prioritizing education

over marriage.

Education over marriage, I would say the following,

as long as you are ready for marriage, mentally, spiritually,

emotionally,

and you are

in a position where you found the right spouse, Mary,

and if you want to continue and get high degrees, that's that's

completely fine, if it's suited with that, with the with your

marriage life. Now,

I should not delay marriage for that reason.

We can do it together. You grow with your spouse.

You pursue a degree, or you pursue a career while you're married, the

common mistake is to do what, to pause marriage and to pursue my

education. I'm putting this on the side. I want to get a goal here.

My goal is.

Us our young people. Ya Rameen and to bless them with successful

marriages. Ya rabal alameen, we ask Allah azza wa jal to make us

among those who will find comfort and tranquility and serene our

relationships. Ya rabal alameen, we ask Allah azza wa jal to make

us among those who will marry and establish Allah on This Earth. Ya

rabal alameen, Ali wala Kumar,

Allah,

a

brother, brothers, please

move in.