Yousef Bakeer – Advice on the PreMarital Process

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			sound like I'm Sheikh, how are
you? Salaam are Abdullah, what?
		

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			What is one thing you advise for
us to look for when we're looking
		

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			for marriage, if I were to give
one, only one advice, I would say,
		

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			don't make permanent decisions
based on temporary feelings, okay,
		

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			don't get too attached to the
point that you are stuck, either
		

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			you're going to make a decision
permanent decision to get into a
		

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			long relationship
		

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			because of the attachment you have
towards that person, or you will
		

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			go and you will put a lot of
effort to this attach yourself
		

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			emotionally from this person. And
that comes with a lot with a lot
		

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			of pain. So you're kind of in a
position where if you would not to
		

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			attach yourself emotionally, if
you maintain healthy boundaries in
		

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			pre, you know, marriage period,
then at this point, you will more
		

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			likely to make the right decision.
Why? Because no emotions involved
		

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			at all. Because when emotions are
high, logic is down. So you want
		

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			to make sure that you make the
most logical decision, because
		

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			this is something great, a great
deal that you're getting yourself
		

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			into marriage. It's a lifetime
commitment. So we want to make
		

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			sure that you're making the right
decision inshallah. So how do you
		

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			advise leaving emotions out of it?
By maintaining healthy boundaries,
		

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			you'll make sure that you ask the
right questions, you involve
		

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			yourself in an appropriate setting
where you don't leave a room for
		

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			the shaitan to get in and for
emotions to get in. Because like I
		

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			said, when emotions intervene,
they're more likely chances to not
		

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			make the right decision. So that's
why Subhanallah it's it's actually
		

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			asked by our Lord, while I'm with
them, meaning what meaning you
		

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			don't make friendship outside of
marriage, because we will make
		

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			friendship outside of marriage,
emotions will get attached. And
		

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			therefore, you will be at some
point you will be blind of making
		

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			the right decision. Why? Because
you're so attached. And we see
		

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			this all the time people are stuck
after marriage, just because they
		

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			made the wrong decision before
marriage, and why they made the
		

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			wrong decision is because they
were fully attached to that
		

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			person. Okay, and then. So what's
your stance on private messaging
		

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			on social media? Sorry, hyper
private messaging on social media,
		

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			again, it goes back to the
appropriate communication that you
		

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			need to have before marriage,
anything that you have, with a
		

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			person who you want to marry, that
you're shy from public making it
		

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			public, then know that there is
something wrong going on? Know
		

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			that, you know, there is more than
what you should
		

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			have at that at that point. So for
instance, if you're having
		

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			conversations that you will be shy
to post it online, or to,
		

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			you know, conversations that you
will be shy showing it to your
		

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			siblings or your parents. Why
because it's just uncomfortable
		

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			sharing this kind of intimate
conversation know that this is not
		

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			healthy for you. Why because now,
you are not maintaining these
		

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			boundaries that we talked about.
And as a result, these private
		

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			conversations will get you
emotionally attached to that
		

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			person. And therefore, even though
you see flaws in this person,
		

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			either you will compromise these
flaws. Or you will convince
		

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			yourself that eventually you will
change that person after marriage
		

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			and this is the biggest lie.
Nobody changes after marriage. So
		

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			just know that if you were to
commit to a person with these
		

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			certain flaws, know that you will
actually act to you will actually
		

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			you will, you will experience
these flaws after marriage.
		

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			Sometimes when you're fully
attached to some body before
		

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			marriage, you will be delusional.
You're not seeing the reality as
		

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			it is. And after marriage. The
reality will punch you in the face