Yousef Bakeer – Advice on the PreMarital Process

sound like I'm Sheikh, how are you? Salaam are Abdullah, what?

What is one thing you advise for us to look for when we're looking

for marriage, if I were to give one, only one advice, I would say,

don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings, okay,

don't get too attached to the point that you are stuck, either

you're going to make a decision permanent decision to get into a

long relationship

because of the attachment you have towards that person, or you will

go and you will put a lot of effort to this attach yourself

emotionally from this person. And that comes with a lot with a lot

of pain. So you're kind of in a position where if you would not to

attach yourself emotionally, if you maintain healthy boundaries in

pre, you know, marriage period, then at this point, you will more

likely to make the right decision. Why? Because no emotions involved

at all. Because when emotions are high, logic is down. So you want

to make sure that you make the most logical decision, because

this is something great, a great deal that you're getting yourself

into marriage. It's a lifetime commitment. So we want to make

sure that you're making the right decision inshallah. So how do you

advise leaving emotions out of it? By maintaining healthy boundaries,

you'll make sure that you ask the right questions, you involve

yourself in an appropriate setting where you don't leave a room for

the shaitan to get in and for emotions to get in. Because like I

said, when emotions intervene, they're more likely chances to not

make the right decision. So that's why Subhanallah it's it's actually

asked by our Lord, while I'm with them, meaning what meaning you

don't make friendship outside of marriage, because we will make

friendship outside of marriage, emotions will get attached. And

therefore, you will be at some point you will be blind of making

the right decision. Why? Because you're so attached. And we see

this all the time people are stuck after marriage, just because they

made the wrong decision before marriage, and why they made the

wrong decision is because they were fully attached to that

person. Okay, and then. So what's your stance on private messaging

on social media? Sorry, hyper private messaging on social media,

again, it goes back to the appropriate communication that you

need to have before marriage, anything that you have, with a

person who you want to marry, that you're shy from public making it

public, then know that there is something wrong going on? Know

that, you know, there is more than what you should

have at that at that point. So for instance, if you're having

conversations that you will be shy to post it online, or to,

you know, conversations that you will be shy showing it to your

siblings or your parents. Why because it's just uncomfortable

sharing this kind of intimate conversation know that this is not

healthy for you. Why because now, you are not maintaining these

boundaries that we talked about. And as a result, these private

conversations will get you emotionally attached to that

person. And therefore, even though you see flaws in this person,

either you will compromise these flaws. Or you will convince

yourself that eventually you will change that person after marriage

and this is the biggest lie. Nobody changes after marriage. So

just know that if you were to commit to a person with these

certain flaws, know that you will actually act to you will actually

you will, you will experience these flaws after marriage.

Sometimes when you're fully attached to some body before

marriage, you will be delusional. You're not seeing the reality as

it is. And after marriage. The reality will punch you in the face