Yassir Fazaga – Before You Say I Do – EP04 – PT 1

			In Norway's be seen as man and wife, fulfilling the deen from this for
		

			our ministry Tanga rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah In the name of Allah
be compassionate, the Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah ma his peace and blessings be upon
our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam begin by greeting all my brothers and
sisters saying a salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
		

			Last time, we spoke about male female relationships, we spoke about the non personal factors that
dictate our perception of male and female relationship. And today, inshallah we'll be talking about
how does that factor out in the relationships that we have, generally speaking, when we look out
there is that there are two types of relationships amongst men and women. There is one that we refer
to as a connection. And there is one that we refer to as a relationship, meaning that in the way
that men and women relate to one another. It's either a connection, or it is a relationship. What is
a connection? By connection, we mean the following. It's a temporary agreement between the man and
		

			the woman, a short term Association, based on the mutual misuse of each other bodies, literal
speaking, that is, what a connection is. It's a short term agreement, a short term Association,
where people have agreed to misuse and abuse each other bodies. Now, as people meet, we don't say,
Hey, would you like to abuse me and I abuse you back? That's not how people do it. But ultimately,
this is really what they are doing to one another. Okay, even though they would reject this
definition of it. But reality, this is really what's happening. I'll give you an example. When I was
in the US, I would see some of my high school when I was in high school. I'll see some of the people
		

			in high school, you know, they're getting together. And you know, they're just doing some obscene
things as they are in the classroom or outside the classroom. And I, this is the first time that I'm
seeing this in my life. So I go to them. And I say, So when did you get married? People will look at
me and they say, Who said anything about marriage? And I'll say, and I would question what it is
that they were doing. And they would say, well, we just like each other for right now. And that used
to shock me. And I would say, why would anybody be emotionally investing with someone knowing that
this is going to go nowhere? Why would they do this? It never made sense. To me, the idea of
		

			boyfriend girlfriend never made sense to me. Why would somebody be emotionally investing with
someone knowing that it is going nowhere? And he would go to the guy and say, Would you marry this
girl? And say Who? No way. But why are you with her? You asked the same thing of a girl would you
marry? This guy said No way. Big Ears? I would never marry him. And the question is, but why are you
wisdom? Well, you know what, what happens is that what, it's a short term agreement, to misuse and
abuse each other's bodies. And this has gone so bad. This idea of misusing and abusing the each
other's body, you can only speak of others in physical terms. And we will say more about this. But
		

			this is just, this is something that's maybe related more into the West. I don't know if you have it
here or not. Girls Gone Wild. That is supposedly a document. It's not a documentary. But it's sort
of movie I'm not even sure what to call it. It's a DVD that you buy. And usually what it is, is that
somebody has decided to go around college campuses in the US, where people just go wild. And most of
the time it is Girls Gone Wild. And what it is, is that these people, it's very disgraceful and
despicable, they would be behaving in a very animalistic way and you actually buy these videos. But
this had had such an impact on the US. That USA Today was listing 25 trends that changed America.
		

			What are the 25 things that changed America? A number 23 was this series of DVDs. Girls Gone Wild.
These girls are not paid. The guy goes into the college campus announcing that in what gross gun was
going to be on campus today. And they have cameras, the girls come in, they sign a contract, where
do they get no money for it and they start going wild. And later on these DVDs are sold and they
have made so much money with it. Media is shaping and dictating our perception of the others. So it
is very common that men can speak about women only in flesh terms.
		

			Now what kind of question
		

			Do people have there is the flesh connection. And by that we mean simply is the definition of what
we spoke about. And that is, it is a temporary agreement to misuse and abuse each other's bodies.
But then what attracts us to that person initially, is the flesh. And you're literally because this
is what you're after. This is what you're attracted to, you're only attracted to the flesh. And you
can only speak of the other person in physical terms. So you ask all Mashallah, so you're with this
person say, yeah, so what do you like about her? Oh, she's got great nose. He's got great nose.
That's all you can say about them. What else? Oh, I like her hair is nice. But what else? beautiful
		

			eyes? Yes, but what else, they can only speak of the other person in physical terms. Why? Because
that's all they are attracted to. That's all they care about. So they speak about the others only in
flesh and physical terms. I remember one time I had a client I was doing counseling to. and poor
girl. She had no issues with self esteem. So I said, You know, I want you to go home. And next week,
when we meet back in the office, I want you to come back and tell me five things that you like about
yourself. Five things that you like about yourself. We'll talk about self esteem in great details
later on, when we're looking for the person that we want to be with. So she goes home, and she comes
		

			back next week. And I said, Well, you did your homework. And she said, Yes, I did my homework. I
said, Okay, five things that you like about yourself was a big smile on her face. She said, I like
my hair. I like my fingernails. And she said I like my skin. And I like my teeth because she just
had them whitened. And I like and I looked into all the five things that he is mentioned. They all
had to do with physical terms.
		

			And I said but but why? Because we are assigning values to one another, especially to women on the
basis of
		

			physical terms. So as such people start seeing themselves, and I said what do you feel good about
yourself? She attributed all to what your physical appearance. And that is very, very sad. Okay. So
flesh is the first one. Or sometimes we are temporarily attracted to a person because of a cache
connection. We can only speak about another person in terms of their usefulness. What What do you
like about him? Well, he buys me stuff. Okay. What do you like about him? Every time we go out, he
pays for the dinner. Okay, what else do you like about the other day, he bought me a necklace. Okay,
what else are the other day he filled the gas in my car. So you can only speak about their
		

			usefulness? Like an orange, you take, you squeeze and Once done, what happens?
		

			You throw it away. So we are connected to them simply because of their cash? How is their usefulness
to us? And of course, that makes us very selfish. It makes us people with no conscience whatsoever.
And by the way, in the process, we may even convince or lie to ourselves that we are in love. And in
reality, we are not in love at that point. Okay. All sometimes there is the idea of force, how do
you force somebody to love you? You can't. So what do you force, just a temporary connection on the
basis of your usefulness to them, they force you to stay simply because of how much say they have in
your life at this point? hamdulillah This is not much happening in the Muslim community, at least
		

			that I know of. But there is another type of connection and that is the idea of dependency. What is
dependency? When we become dependent, right? When what happens by dependency, I'm talking about
emotional dependency, you know, emotional dependency is that when we depend on others for emotional
support, or when we direct our emotional energy to somebody else, let me give you an example. I once
gave a lecture on what we call emotional affairs. Okay. Usually people think an affair is what an
intimate relationship that takes place between either a married man and a married woman or one of
the people is married, that they go on to have an affair, we say that they cheated on each other.
		

			But there is another type of affair that we call an emotional affair. And that is when people start
investing emotionally with somebody other than their spouse. So this is how it works. Usually, most
of the time. The person is in the office, and they look very sad. And they look very depressed.
somebody walks up to them and they say what's going on? No, nothing. No, come on. Really? Talk to me
what's going on? Today, man, it's just problems with my wife and you know, we want to talk about it
over lunch. It's very common, for example, to us for people to go out for lunch together. So you go
there and what do you do you
		

			You pour your heart out to that person, you open up to that person, you tell them, You know what my
wife has given me and my husband has given me a hard time. And I am feeling this way and that way.
So what happens is that you're becoming now what you're becoming emotionally dependent on somebody
other than your spouse, a subject that we will talk about in great details in sha Allah as we move
on. But these are the type of connections that are happening. And then of course, there is a real
relationship, a committed relationship. And by this, of course, we're talking about marriage.
However, here are the components and the definition. Unlike a connection, which was a short term
		

			relationship, this is a long term commitment, Association, that is based on the following the
happiness, the well being, and the development of the other person, if you are in it for the flesh,
do you care whether that person is happy or not? Of course, you don't you getting what you want,
therefore, their happiness does not really matter to you. If you're in it for the cash, do you care
for their well being? Of course you don't. As long as they're being useful to you, you don't care.
And if you are in it, for the flesh, and the cash or what have you, you don't care for the
development simply because what, because you're getting what you want. But in the real, committed
		

			ethical relationship, this is what we care for the happiness of the other person. You know, I tell
people that a happy marriage is not about a wedding, a great wedding night, a happy marriage is not
about a wedding license. What does a wedding license do? It just documents the event? It just says
on day of this and this such and such person? You know, they willingly gotten married. But it does
not guarantee happy life does it? wherever people are happy because they have a wedding license, of
course not. What is a wedding licensed student, it brings in an ethical value to the relationship
that we're doing this and we're doing it publicly, and it's so good that we are, you know, proud to
		

			record it, then what makes a happy marriage, a happy marriage is not when two people get married to
be happy. A truly happy marriage is when two people get married to make each other happy. That is
what it is. It's not about them making me happy, but rather it's about us. It's about two people
getting married to make each other happy. So here is you've got this happiness. No, my happiness is
stems from the happiness of my wife. And her happiness is stems from the fact that she's making me
happy so it's not about what can the other person do to me, but rather it is I am in this because I
care about the happiness of the other person. And with this inshallah, we will take a short break
		

			and we will be back so please do stay tuned.