What To Expect After The Wedding

Yasmin Mogahed


Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

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What to Expect After the Wedding?
By: Yasmin Mogahed

Serenity Podcast

Presented on June 22, 2011

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Assalamu Aleikum This is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. Today, we're going to be talking about a question that a lot of people ask who are thinking about or planning on getting married, you know, either they're in the process or they're planning in the near future, or they're in the search for, you know, their signal, you know, a spouse. And and the question is basically, you know, what exactly is one to expect after the wedding, and specifically, how, what are some, some, you know, given expectations, and then how to be successful after what you might call the honeymoon period. Basically, a lot of times what happens

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when people get into marriage, they come in, often with very wrong and unrealistic expectations, and a lot of the planning, unfortunately, when you get into a new relationship, or when you're getting into this, this commitment, unfortunately, so much of the planning goes into planning, the wedding itself, the party itself, and very little preparation and planning goes into planning, the marriage itself, and the relationship that follows, you know, this this few hours on one day, which which comprises the wedding party. So it's important to first understand what are some of the expectations, maybe false expectations that we do have? recognize them and then understand what are

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maybe what are some of the more, what are the proper expectations, and then some tools, you know, and inshallah, we'll just talk about maybe some tools to be, you know, to get past the, the, you know, that period, which which we'll we'll call the honeymoon period, I think just generally one of the, one of the, the expectations and, and I think one of the wrong definitions of marriage in general is that, that you enter into marriage in order or for the purpose of this other person completing you as a human being. Now, the reason I think this is very dangerous is because that is expecting something from a human being, which another human being cannot do for you, another human

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being cannot complete you another human being cannot really, you know, if you if you are expecting or relying on another person to make you happy, then you will never really fully or you know, never really find consistent happiness. And the reason for that, is that the only thing that can give you consistent happiness or fulfillment, and the only thing that can complete you is Allah subhanaw taala, and your relationship with Him. And so the idea that we are fed, since we're very, very young, so starting from, you know, Disney when we're like two years old, this idea is that, you know, you know, you have this Princess, right, and she is in for some reason or another in some sort

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of distress. You look at,

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you know, Cinderella, for example, she was basically in an abusive relationship. I mean, she was an abusive home, her stepmother, is abusive, her stepsisters are abusive, and she's very helpless, she cannot help herself, she cannot, you know, get herself out of this situation, or do anything for herself. And in fact, she needs to wait for a man or in this case, a prince to come and save her and to get her out of the situation, which she cannot get herself out of, or she cannot, you know, she's not able to be, you know, you know, she's not, she's not able to rely on anything outside of this, this other person in order to save her. And that's, you know, that that's, you know, if you look at,

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for example, the story of sleeping beauty, is a very similar theme, with Sleeping Beauty. She's, you know, she's almost basically in a coma, right? She's, she's close to death, essentially. And the only thing that can save her is a king is a prince, I'm sorry, coming and kissing her. So again, the idea and this is, this is the, I mean, this is the message of so many fairy tales, which is that you as a woman, especially, you know, targeting women, you as a woman are not complete until you a man comes and saves you you will you need a man to come and save you from something and so really Women Grow up with this idea that their life doesn't really begin until they get married until they meet

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that other person and they get married. And this is a very This is very, not only is it is it inaccurate, but it's very dangerous thinking what happens with that is that you

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You have all these expectations, and essentially, you're, you're expecting this other person to do something which is not in their capacity to do. And that is to save you, to fix you to fill you to complete you, these are all things which another human being cannot do for you, these are things that you can only do through and by your relationship with your Creator, that's the only way that you are going to be saved or completed. So what happens with relationships, I think, with marriage, is that when you have this all these expectations, very high expectations, you're coming into the marriage almost handing, you know, handing a person, okay, here's, you know, half of a person or

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here's half of all, here's like a shattered heart, and I'm expecting you to fix it, I'm expecting you to put it back together, I'm expecting you, you know, you're handing someone an empty hole inside of you, and you're expecting them to fill it. And this isn't something that another person can do. This is only something that Allah subhanaw taala can do for you. And so I think what happens then is you you have these expectations, you enter into the relationship, and then you have the crash, right, you have the disillusionment, the disappointment, and usually this will happen very early on. And so you'll that's why you'll see things like I think, you know, the highest divorce

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rates happen in the first year of marriage, where you'll find these relationships where it's like, they there, they get married, and they get divorced very shortly after. And I think that part of it, besides you know that you find out perhaps things you didn't know about the person. But beyond that, I think it has a lot to do with these improper expectations. And then this person is now not fulfilling those expectations. And it's just, it's very, it's a lot of disillusionment and a lot of disappointment. But the problem isn't with that other person, the problem was, is with my expectations, it's with the the improper idea of what marriage is, or is not supposed to be. So, you

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know, one, you know, big another, I think big myth that we inherit from the media and from love stories in general, is that, again, the purpose of the relationship between a man and a woman, the, and again, I'm going to explain what I mean, there's a difference between the purpose of something the ultimate, you know, objective, and some, you know, you know, benefits of that, you know, that relationship. Now, the purpose of marriage, a lot of people think, is for me to be happy. That's the purpose of marriage. I'm the reason why I am marrying you is so you can make me happy. And this is seems like, you know, I mean, this seems like a natural understanding, but in fact, that's actually

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inaccurate. The reason why I am marrying you is not so you can make me happy. Yes, you may, you may make me happy. And that may be and we hope and we make that, you know that that would be a definitely a benefit of the relationship. But ultimately, the reason why I am marrying you is because it is half of my Deen and because this is another act of a better this is another way for me to get closer to my creator and get closer to my ultimate objective, which is genda inshallah, with Allah subhanaw taala. Now, if you look at the two different ideas of why you're getting married, they completely revolutionize the way in which you respond and the way in which you act in that

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marriage. And shall I'm going to take a short break now and when we return, we'll examine these two different definitions of what marriage is.

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Salam Alaikum Welcome back. You're listening to serenity on one legacy radio. And this is Yasmin Mujahid. We are talking today about the concept of you know, preparing for marriage, what to expect, and how really to avoid the pitfalls that a lot of us face after the so called honeymoon period. What we were just discussing was the different expectations and different ways of sort of conceptualizing. Why are we getting married? Why are we in this relationship? And one one of the most common ideas I think it's the most you know, prevalent idea of why why I am getting married to you or why we are getting into this is that I am marrying you so you can make me happy

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I am marrying you. So you can fulfill me so you can fill me it's a very, almost, if you break it down, it's a very self, almost like a self serving purpose. And while we all want to be happy, obviously, the problem is that we are expecting that happiness is going to come from this other person. And that's where the problem lies. Because this happiness does not come from the creation, happiness only comes from Allah subhanaw taala. And when we seek the creation, to fill us to fulfill that void that we have inside of us, we will always end up not only disappointed, but then we get very, you know, angry at the creation or at that person because they're not doing what we expect

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them to do. And this actually creates more problems, because now I have all this resentment that you aren't, you're not really coming through, you're not really fulfilling the purpose that you are supposed to be fulfilling, which is to make me happy. So if if we realize that the purpose of marriage is something beyond that, again, we ask Allah subhanaw taala to give us happiness, and one of the beautiful dogs in the Quran, where it says it have been a headline, I mean, as Virgina with react in a quarter at the iron, so we are asking Allah subhanaw taala in this diet, to make our our spouses and our offspring, the coolness of our eyes, and so to give us that, you know, that

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happiness, and I mean that, that contentment from them, but at the same time, there's a difference between that being my ultimate purpose. So if something is my ultimate purpose, and it's not being fulfilled, that's when I give up. And so the idea here is that yes, sometimes, you know, I am going to this other person is going to make me happy, and sometimes they aren't. But again, the ultimate objective in the relationship has to be something beyond fulfilling myself, it's a greater objective, and that greater objective is to bring you closer to Allah subhanaw taala. And to bring you closer and nearer to your ultimate objective, which is the the real happiness, right, the

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unending happiness in general inshallah, now when when you view the relationship in that way, you really start to understand, you know, the idea of when the prophets I send them says that, you know, marriage is half of our Deen. And so, you know, this is a very profound statement. And if you think about marriage, being half of the deen you think about how marriage really helps you subpanel a train, because, you know, there's different aspects, you know, there might be different ways to learn subud or to learn chocolate or to learn, you know, and different parts of your life might teach you that. But you know, marriage really is an institution, which helps you to build on all of

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those things. Mean, so it really marriage helps train you in so many aspects of your deen. And so it's very, very befitting to say something, you know, to say that it's half your deen, because Subhanallah it really is, it's almost like a training ground for half of your deen, it's really, you know, you can go and you can learn about concepts in lectures, you can go and you can read about concepts in books, but you're not really going to embody a quality unless you actually have to do it unless it's actually experiential. So you know, you learn something in lecture, and then you have to have a lab, right, you have to have lab where you're applying it. And that's really what marriage

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is, it's like the Laboratory of luck, right? It's the laboratory where you're, where you're actually developing those, those all those concepts and all those character traits that you read about in books and that you hear about in lecture, you really will not embody them. And, and, and, and really, you know, develop them until you're put in a situation where it's experiential, you're actually have to work on it. And this happens in marriage. This happens anytime you're interacting with your family, in fact, and you'll look at, for example, another statement of the profits of the lady who send them where he says that hydrocodone let's say that the best of you is the one who's

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the best to his family. If you look at that statement, you know, you can understand that it's very easy to be, you know, very, it's very easy to be polite to you know, your neighbor once in a while, or the person at the grocery store, because you don't really have to interact with them much. It's very easy to be polite to your boss, because if you're not it, you know, there's some consequence for you. But it's very easy to not be good to your family for a lot of reasons. One is that, well, you know, they're always going to be there, you kind of take them for granted. And so you can and you can kind of get away with more with your family. And so the idea here is that, you know, the

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person who's really going to be the best is the one who's going to be the best even when it's easy not to be the best, even when it's easy to you know, just

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Treat them however, you, you know, you have a bad day you just take it out on them. Because the idea is, you know, they're always going to be there. And there's no like direct consequence like it would be with your boss. So the prophets I send them is saying that the best of you is the one who's the best, even when it's very easy to be otherwise, it's very easy to not be caring or, or or polite or considerate, though. So again, the idea of marriage as being rather than being a, you know, a place for me to be fulfilled. Instead, if you look at it as character development, it will completely change the way in which you interact with the other person, the way you which you respond when

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things aren't necessarily just the way you want them. Or when there is disappointment, you're able to respond in a way where you, you know, you can take that and you can say, Okay, this is something that's helping me build my Deen again, half your deen, this is something that's helping me develop myself character development, versus if my purpose was, you're supposed to be making me happy? Well, then I'm going to expect that at every moment, you should be making me happy, you should be fulfilling me. And if there's a moment where you're not, that's the end of the world, right? That's a big problem. And versus, you know, this whole endeavor is, is just another path for me to seek

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Allah subhana wa Tada, it's another means for me to get closer to Allah subhanaw taala. Now, inshallah, what I really want to encourage people, you know, get involved, talk, you know, in the chat box, bring your comments, bring your questions, we want to make this inshallah interactive, we want to make we want to hear from you, what are your thoughts? What are your reflections about what we've said, you know, what are some of the things that you think are pitfalls, what are some expectations that you think, get people, you know, into trouble once, you know, once that honeymoon period is over? Now, the other aspect with regards to relationships, and, you know, trying, you

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know, trying to make it work, I think I talked a lot about expectations, because I think it's so essential, the, the, the easiest way to avoid disappointment is to manage expectations. And this is just, you know, whether it's disappointment, or it's anger, all of these things, the root of it is an improper expectation. So expectations are key. The other issue, which I think we don't put enough emphasis on, is what is going to make the other person happy. A lot of times we understand our own the language of our own happiness, we understand our own, like love language, what are the things that make me happy, but when you're doing something for the other person, you need to understand

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what matters to them. So if something you know, for them, there are certain things that that are important, there are certain things that they enjoy, you want to try to do it, do those things versus just, you know, giving in the way that you want to be given. Because sometimes, you know, again, that what matters to me would might be different than what matters to my spouse. So the you know, one thing and we've talked about this in other shows, but I just want to, you know, re visit this point, because I think it's so important, and it has to do with the the fundamental needs of men and women. And, and what they basically have have talked about, you know, relationship experts

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have have talked about this, and again, this is just general this is just a generalization. But in general, what they say is that men have their primary need is to feel respected, and a woman's primary need is to feel loved. And so what happens is when a man feels like he's not being respected, or his primary need is not being met, he will respond with that will make him close up that will make him respond harshly. In and it's it's as a result of feeling disrespected. And that's the main thing that that's that's generally most important for a man is to feel that sense of that I'm being respected and I'm being

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you know, almost that that that sense of leadership or that sense of you know, that you respect that leadership in him. And at the same time, women, their primary need is usually to feel loved. And so if a woman feels unloved for one reason or another, then she will respond negatively to that. And what ends up happening they talk about this thing called the crazy cycle. And what that means is it's this cycle of argumentation that happens between men and women. And when you don't understand the other person's primary needs. It's very easy to get stuck in this cycle. You know, and and couples they get stuck in this and they can't

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Break out of it. And what that cycle is, is that when a woman feels unloved, she tends to respond with disrespect that that's the knee jerk reaction of a woman. You know, if you if you do something to hurt me, my knee jerk reaction is to be kind of disrespectful, or, you know, it's sort of like, you know, showing attitude. Basically, that's my knee jerk reaction when I feel like you're being inconsiderate, or you're, you're making me feel unloved. That's how I respond on this is just, you know, again, reflex. And as a result of that the man is feeling disrespected. So then he responds by actually being even more unloving, because he's feeling disrespected. And so the very problem was

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that the woman felt unloved. And now she's feeling even more unloved because he's becoming harsher and harsher and colder and colder. And the reason he's doing that is because he's feeling disrespected. And similarly, when, you know, when a woman, you know, again, and that's that cycle, right, so that the two are, are feeding on each other. And basically, what they say that the solution to break out of that cycle is that the man shows unconditional love, and the woman shows unconditional respect. And to just, you know, just to sort of explain that very briefly, what, what it's talking about is that, even when I don't feel loved, I do my utmost to still be respectful, and

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I can and they teach, you know, ways in which you can communicate that you, you know, that something hurt you without disrespect. At the same time, you know, you communicate that, that, you know, using the I statements and everything that this is how I felt, and you do it in a way where it's, you're still being respectful, that if you do that, you're much more likely to have to get that love which you were basically that's what you're asking for. And and the reason is that you've continued to be respectful, and at the same time communicating your feelings. And similarly with the man, if a man even if he's feeling disrespected, if he continues to still be considerate and loving towards the

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woman, he will, that that will actually trigger respect from the woman. And so the idea if both sides are, you know, unconditional respect and unconditional love, that that's really, you know, the only way to break out of this cycle which so many couples, you know, find themselves in. So inshallah I'm going to take another quick break and please, you know, write your comments in the chat box, your questions, and when we return, we'll discuss them

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Assalamu alaikum this is just me Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We've been talking today about expectations and marriage. You know, what comes after the honeymoon period, how not to fall into that, sort of,

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you know, that disillusionment that might come due to improper expectations. I want to make a couple disclaimers actually, one thing to make very, very clear, when we talk about expectations, again, this isn't to say, and I talked about fulfillment and you know, happiness and stuff, I want to make very clear that this isn't talking about that you're supposed to ignore or, or tolerate any, any form of abuse on any level, whether it's, you know, verbal, emotional, psychological, physical abuse, that this is something that in fact, Allah subhanaw taala does not want us to tolerate, he says that he does not, you know, he does not want us to tolerate injustice on any level. And in

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fact, when we tolerate abuse, or injustice, we're actually harming our own our own selves as well in terms of our relationship with Allah subhanaw taala. Because what happens with abusive relationships is that the, the person who was abused begins to fear the abuser, and the only you know, when I am

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when I am so afraid of another person, then what happens is that I am thinking about that other person I am, I'm scared, I'm worried and so actually, it's occupying my my mind. And and the, the fear that I should be having for Allah subhanaw taala is now being instead to place you know, instead towards this person, and so it is no one should think that if I'm being abused, that it's somehow more

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you know, it's better or it's more pleasing to Allah for me to sit and take it. In fact, it's affecting and harming my relationship with Allah. Because the only one who I should be, you know, fearing the only one who I should be sitting up at night worrying

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What they think of me, or what they're going to do to me is Allah subhanaw taala, it shouldn't be another person, and if it is another person, then that's a problem. And we need to break out of that inshallah, and May Allah give us, you know, the, you know, the ability to break out of any type of unhealthy, abusive relationship on any level. Now, you know, again, and this is also talking, you know, theoretically about the idea of, you know, when I go into a relationship, and my my focus is instead of being the purpose of this relationship is for you to make me happy at every moment. That isn't also to say that if I am, you know, there's like serious, you know, voids in my relationship,

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and I am not in any way, you know, it's not fulfilling me in any way or there are some serious rights of mine that are being neglected, that again, that is not something that should be ignored, that should be addressed. And, you know, marriage is not also supposed to be empty, you know, it is, yes, first and foremost, it is for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala it is a means to get near to Allah subhanaw taala. But that does not mean that, that there should be no happiness there that there should be no fulfillment. In fact, again, that is a benefit of marriage, what I wanted to focus on is that's not the ultimate purpose, but rather it should be a benefit. And if it is not at

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all, there's nothing there, that also definitely should be addressed. You know, one of the questions that someone had written in the chat box was about discussing that although we don't have expectations, you know, talking about the importance of still doing things for the other for the other person and that's extremely important that you know, giving gifts and and different types of, you know, shows of care and affection. It's extremely important. In fact, it's, it's the, the prophets I send them it's his Sunnah, that he used to be very loving and very affectionate. And he would show in a lot of times unfortunately men think more so men it tends to be they think that it

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it's you know, you can you love your wife, but it's not something that's really shown it's not something that's expressed, and I mean the prophets I send them himself you know, he's our, our example. And he used to show the, you know, his he used to show his love for his wife, his wife's and he used to you know, he used to be very affectionate. So this is something that we should strive to do. You know, he says, the prophets I send them said that if you love someone you should tell them you know that that this is this is something that you should express and this brings the to the couple closer together so acts of kindness and and gifts and that kind of thing definitely is

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something that brings the hearts inshallah you know, closer together. And I want to ensure that also reflect on the area that we usually find on our all of our wedding invitations. And it's a in sort of the room where Allah subhanaw taala says woman, a tea and Haleakala Coleman and full circle as well as in the testicle know Allah, wa Jalla baina como de tamarama, Allah subhanaw taala says, and from among His Signs is this, that he created from yourselves mates, and he in order that you will dwell in tranquility with them, and he created love and mercy between your hearts. This is panel is so profound one of the things that you know, you can note about this area, is it begins by saying

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that this is a sign of Allah subhanaw taala. And then it ends again by saying it's a sign of Allah subhanaw taala I think that that's so profound, because it really shows that even in this relationship itself, even in the so called romantic love, right, that type of love, even that is a sign of God, even that is a means to get near to God, because all of the signs like when I sit and I reflect on the ocean, and the sun in the sky, and, and all of that, what's the purpose of all of that, it's for me to look at it, and for it to bring me near to Allah for me to realize and learn something about who about Allah subhanaw taala through His signs, and he's saying that even in this

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relationship, the focus is not the other person, the focus is Allah subhanaw taala that this relationship itself is a pointer to Allah subhanaw taala and, and, and a window into Allah subhanaw taala it's a sign of him. So Subhana Allah even that where we where we make it such, we make the other person really the object of our focus and the object of our obsession, but Subhanallah even that, that person is actually just a reflection of Allah subhanaw taala that that thing that we share between each other is a reflection of Allah subhanaw taala and assign of Allah subhanaw taala inshallah I will you know, I want to ensure the end with a dot and and i and i pray like Allah

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subhanaw taala says in the Koran there have been a hub Lana Min as well Jeanette with a retina kurata ion

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JOHN I didn't look dakini Mm hmm. We asked Allah subhanaw taala to make you know to make our spouses the coolness of our eyes and to rectify any any you know any issues that we may have in our marriages and also to help us to build stronger marriages. Politically Heather was stoked for La Nina come in our food on Rahim subhanak Allah hammock, the shadow under Allah Allah and

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Allah wa Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh