Yasmin Mogahed – I Just Got Married Why Am I Not Happy

			Assalamu alaikum This is Jasmine Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming on one legacy
radio.com. serenity is a new show that we started. And we're looking for your questions, because
what we want to do on serenity is we really want to get your, your feedback about what it is that
you're dealing with, what are the difficulties, the challenges, the questions that you have. And
what we want to do is take that and make this a discussion, where we take those issues, and we look
at them through a lens of a god centered world. So basically looking at these problems and looking
for spiritual solutions to those difficulties and answers that come from God and not from society,
		

			and not from the media, and not from our own selves. So we really hope to take and embark on that on
that path by getting your questions and discussing them on the show. And of course, everything will
remain anonymous. So please do send your questions to serenity at one legacy radio.com. Now, today,
we're going to be talking about a question that I received about a relationship problem that
somebody was having. Now the question that this person had asked, was regarding this person had
actually just recently got married. And what, you know, what they didn't understand is why after
getting married, they suddenly felt, you know, this, this constant sort of disappointment, this, you
		

			know, sadness, they always felt like they were being let down, or they felt always like they were,
you know, they were, they were never really happy. They just didn't feel that and they always wanted
more or expected more from their spouse, and was constantly being let down. And one of the things
that happens, I think, a lot of times, especially when we get married, or you know, in other types
of relationships, it really has to do with the type of attachment that we create. See, as human
beings we are created with a particular nature. And that nature is that we want and need to connect
to God, we need to worship God, we need to understand God and create that attachment to him and put
		

			our dependence on him. Basically, as human beings, we are created with this, this desire to
recognize greatness. And so what often happens, unfortunately, when the, you know, God isn't there,
we replace that with other things. And sometimes we replace it with other people. And this is where,
you know, almost it becomes like a sense of worship, where you see, for example, that celebrities
and you see the type of you know, idol is that the way that people idolize them, it's almost like
worship. And so we as human beings, what we're doing here is we're trying to fill this emptiness
inside us, we're trying to fill this need inside of us, but we're filling it with the wrong things.
		

			And so this even as Muslims, and this, this, this, we do this, this happens a lot of times in
relationships. And so in the case of marriage, for example, what what often happens is that we go
into marriage with these expectations of this person. But these are not realistic expectations,
their expectations that we should only have for God is their expectation we should only have of God.
In fact, and and so what happens then is there you find that there is this constant disappointment,
and one of the symptoms of the fact that we all we do have a false attachment or that we are putting
our expectations in the wrong place. Is this sadness is this constant disappointment is this feeling
		

			that we're being let down. Because let me give you this, this example, if you're climbing a cliff,
and you get to a point, you're really high up and you see this twig hanging there. And if you reach
out and you hang on to that twig and you only all of your weight is only on that twig, what's going
to happen to you? Well, the answer is that you're that twig is gonna break because by definition,
that twig was never created to hold your weight. And so what will happen when that twig breaks is
that you fall and when you fall, you break or you you know, you may or may not get back up, but what
happens is you fall and that's that process of disappointment. That's that process of being let down
		

			over and over. It comes from the fact that we're hanging on to the wrong things. We're seeking the
wrong things to fulfill us. We're seeking the wrong things to give us happiness and contentment. And
and so what what what we need to do here is bring it back and bring our focus back to illustration.
		

			Dialogue within marriage for example, a law says that he created for you spouses so Allah says in
the Quran and this is the way you're gonna see right on every wedding invitation woman a tea and
Haleakala Coleman and fossa calm, as well, Jen Lita, schooner, Alayhi, wa Jalla beynac oma, what
data and Marama in the Fie Valley killer area, Al Bab.
		

			Now, the, if you look at this area, and this is that from among His Signs, and now this is
important, from among His Signs is this that he created for you, he created for you spouses, that
you may dwell in tranquility with them.
		

			Now, this is the first part is he created for you spouses that you may dwell in tranquility with
them, and he created between you my word and Rama, this love and mercy. Now, notice that the even in
this even in this, what is the purpose of this love and mercy, Allah says that it's a sign. So even
the love and the mercy that Allah creates between a husband and wife, ultimately, is just a means.
And what is it a means of it's a means of God, it's a means of reaching Allah, because Allah says at
the beginning of the area,
		

			that in this is assigned one min area to here and from among His Signs, okay? This is not an end in
and of itself, that that feeling that you have. And that gift that you have between your hearts is
not an end in and of itself, like you see in the movies, right where the whole purpose of their
existence and the whole purpose of their striving is to reach you know, that love that romantic love
that other person that's going to complete them. And that's it. And then the movie ends at that
point, right? Because that's it, that's the end. That's the purpose. It isn't that way, that even
within that gift of that love and that mercy, it isn't an end in and of itself. But it's actually a
		

			means it's a means to reaching Allah Subhana Allah, because Allah says that this is a sign. And then
the ayah even ends with that repeated that this is a sign for those who reflect that this is again,
a law repeats that this is a sign, but it's a sign for those who reflect. So what are we supposed to
be learning from this? What are we supposed to be reflecting when we feel that love and that mercy
between ourselves and our spouse, we are supposed to use that as a pointer to God, even that is not
an end in and of itself, but rather, a means to recognize a laws mercy and allows great greatness
and allows generosity and love for us that he's giving us this, you know, as in order to have
		

			tranquility. And so it's really, really important because what unfortunately, we're taught, since
we're very young, is that we are seeking this other person to complete us, we're seeking this other
person to save us. And this is a really, really prevalent message throughout, you know, love stories
even as early as fairy tales. If you look at the story, for example of sleeping beauty, Sleeping
Beauty is basically this woman who was in this comatose state, right? She's basically dead. And the
only thing that can save her is if a man comes and kisses her. And so the idea here is that the man
is going to come and save the woman, that you're waiting for this person to come and save you. There
		

			is no person who is going to save you. The only thing the only one who can save you is your Creator.
The only thing that's going to fill you and fulfill you and give you happiness and give you strength
is your Creator. And so what happens to us is that when we go into relationships with the wrong
expectations, what we're doing is we're putting that person in a place that they were never meant to
be and we're expecting from them things that they were never intended to give and they are not able
to give because those things can only come from Allah subhana wa Tada. Okay, we'll take a break now.
And when we get back we'll continue talking about the issue of relationships and why do we
		

			constantly fall into disappointment? You're listening to serenity as salaam alaikum
		

			Welcome back. This is Yes, me Mujahid. You're listening to serenity. And we're talking today about
relationships and we're taking your questions about you know, issues and then we're talking about
them anonymously on this show. And today we're talking about a question about someone who had gotten
into a relationship they had recently gotten married and they feel like
		

			They don't understand why they're constantly disappointed and constantly sad. And they're not really
getting, you know, they're not feeling that peace and that tranquility inside of the marriage. And
so what what we, what we really, you know, need to realize a lot of times with our relationships is
that the sadness that we, that we feel, a lot of times the disappointment that we feel is due to
wrong expectations. And that actually is very much related to our relationship with God, what
happens is that we, as human beings, it's almost like we have this hole inside of us. And it can
only be filled with closeness to God, it can only be filled by God. But if we are not filling it
		

			with God, sometimes what we do instead is we try to fill it with other things. And even if we're
Muslim, and even if we believe in God, sometimes we don't realize that we have these, these false
attachments to other things other than God. And some of the ways that we can know that we do have
these, you know, these false attachments, or these these wrong expectations is precisely from the
pain itself, you'll find that the source of what is causing you most pain in your life, or what is
causing you the most disappointment, something is is is really, it's that one, you know that that
knife that's always cutting you and that's really causing you the most stress. Usually, if you look
		

			at that thing, you'll find that that is where your false attachment is that, that that thing which
you attach yourself to, in a in a in a in an ultimate way. And and I want to explain what I mean by
false attachments, false attachments, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't love anything, or that we
shouldn't be attached to anything in the in the, in the sense that we usually use in our society. A
false attachment is when we are looking or seeking something other than Allah, to fulfill us
completely, to support us completely to, to to give us you know, and really like, you know, fill
that part inside of us. And we're looking to something other than Allah, for that ultimate hope. And
		

			that ultimate support and that ultimate love, it's, it's when we are looking to something other than
God, to give us our self worth, it's when we're looking to something other than God, to decide
whether we are okay or not. Basically, it's when it's when there is something other than God that we
absolutely, absolutely could not live without. And I know that, you know, again, this is the type of
so called love that's really sold in the media. But really, it isn't the way love should be as it
was intended by God, it is more in the realm of worship. Because if there's something that you
absolutely would just crumble, without, if there's something other than God, that you would
		

			absolutely, you would have no reason to exist anymore. Without, then that means that that thing is a
a an object of worship, it's it's a false attachment. So while we do love our families, and we love
our children, we love our parents, we love our spouses, our love for them should not become worship,
and when does it become worship will obviously we don't, you know, pray to them, we don't make
thought to them, we don't seek them in that way. But sometimes this worship can be very hidden. And
the way again, that we know and the way that we can tell that it's there is it will become a source
of constant sadness for us, it will become a source of constant disappointment for us. And that
		

			disappointment and that sadness, and that pain, actually is a, an indicator, it's a sign that
there's something wrong with our attachments. And that we have to we have to readjust our
attachments. Now, I love to share this area because it's something that's so so deep, and explains
this idea of of what happens when you do attach yourself to something other than Allah. And that's
an A in its chapter 22, verse 73. And it says, What is translated as people here is an illustration.
So listen carefully, those you call on besides God could not even if they combined, all their forces
create a fly, and a fly.
		

			And if a fly took something away from them, they would not be able to retrieve it. How feeble are
the petitioners? And how feeble are those they petition? Now, at first, it's somewhat difficult to
understand, you know, what, what is the significance of this parable, but it's extremely deep and
what it's saying here is
		

			That these people or these things that we seek, and that we we go to, you know, to fulfill us or to
help us or to support these things that we turn to, they couldn't create even a fly. And the last
part of that A is extremely profound. And what it says is that the the seeker and the sought are
both weak, they're both feeble. What does that mean? That when you seek something, which is limited
or weak, then by definition you to become weak, weak, limited, and weak and vulnerable. And so the
problem is that when we seek that which we seek, if that which we seek is, is Allah, if that which
we seek is strong and perfect and unbending, then we to become strong, because that thing never
		

			breaks. And that's why Allah Subhana Allah says, in certain Bukhara, for example, that whoever holds
the hand hold of Allah, that the handhold of Allah is the one that never breaks, and, and any other
handhold. And that's the point. And that's the lesson that any other handhold other than Allah
subhanaw taala will break. And so the lesson here, again, is that when you're feeling like you're in
this relationship, and you know, you don't understand, why do you keep getting disappointed, it's
because it has everything to do with our expectations, it has everything to do with what you are
seeking from that other person that they're not able to give you, because it was not intended for
		

			them to give it to you, those things can only be given to us by Allah subhanaw taala. If we feel
sadness, if we feel that emptiness, it cannot be filled by anything else. And if we try to fill it
with anything else, and it isn't just relationships, but a lot of people try to fill this, this need
with other things. For example, some people try to fill it with wealth or money, where the idea is
that the more things that I have, the more I will feel content, but it does not fill us and it will
never fill us. Sometimes people use their job, in order to fulfill them, they use their job as a as
a way to fill that need. And again, it never will. And so what will happen is you'll run after it,
		

			you'll run after it, and it will never ever be enough. And that's the issue with the dunya is that
everything in this life, everything in the dunya. And that includes all creative things that human
beings, wealth, you know, status, you know, our fancy cars, or fancy clothes, even beauty. You know,
this is something of the dunya because it's the physical body, all of these things, when we, the
more you chase after it, the more it runs away from you. And then it can never, it can never fill
you. Because the soul can only be fulfilled with one thing, the heart can only be filled with one
thing. And that's closeness to the creator of it. So right now, we will take another break. And when
		

			we return, we'll continue on the issue of relationships, and how putting the wrong definitions and
the wrong expectations can cause constant disappointment.
		

			Welcome back. This is yasmeen Mujahid and you're listening to serenity. Now we're talking today
about relationships and why it is that sometimes when we get into a relationship, it we find
ourselves unhappy, constantly disappointed and feeling unfulfilled. And what what we just talked
about, you know, was issue of, you know, within marriage that a lot of times, actually statistics
even show that the majority of divorces happen in the first year. And then after that the second
year. So this idea, you know that, you know, the honeymoon is at the beginning. And it's easy at the
beginning actually isn't true. That the beginning the first year of marriage tends to be when the
		

			majority of breakups actually happen. And we're talking about what could possibly be the reason for
this. And what we're really getting at it has to do with our expectations of human beings, our
expectations of anything other than God. And the idea here is basically that we as human beings, we
want to fulfill this, this need that we have inside of us, there is this emptiness that every human
being has in them that can only be filled by one thing and that is by God. And that when we search
for other things to fill us will always come back disappointed and empty handed. And so this pattern
of constantly being let down. Whether you know what in this case it was in the in the sense of it
		

			was in the case of marriage.
		

			It's coming as a result of the fact that the expectation of this person is not the correct
expectation that between a man and a woman in marriage, there should be love and mercy. But, but
that love and mercy in and of itself is actually a sign of something greater, which is God. And that
the the, you know, we should never seek another person to save us, we should never seek another
person to, you know, the complete completely fill us because those are things that only God can do
for us. And we can only have that satisfaction and that true happiness and fulfillment through our
relationship to our Creator. And so, you know, another question that I actually had received. And
		

			please do send in your questions, we're looking for your questions at Serenity at one legacy
radio.com. And, and, you know, of course, your questions will always be anonymous. But we want we
want you to write in and ask your questions, so we can discuss them. The one other question that I
received was a similar situation, but it was in the realm of friendship. And this is a person who,
you know, was in who has this problem where, you know, there's, they're, they're very close to
somebody, or they have some friends, and then there's like this, this Fallout that happens, or this
constant sort of disappointment in our friends that we get close to. And I think this really comes
		

			back to again, the very same problem. And that is that, you know, we we seek our friends, but we
seek them for the wrong things. And this brings us to the issue really of love for the sake of
Allah, we hear this term a lot, this phrase, but it's really difficult to understand what it means.
Now what it really means in the realm of friendship, for example, love for the sake of Allah means
that what I give to you, as a friend, I give for the sake of Allah, I don't give it so that you can
give me back something in return. And when I say give me back something in return, I don't mean
money. I don't mean, you know, you know, you know, material things, I mean, that I don't expect from
		

			you anything in return, even in terms of your time, even in terms of your appreciation, even in
terms of, you know, your support, but that what I give to you, I give, and I expect my,
		

			my reward or my repaying from God, not from you. And that is a such a deep and liberating concept.
Because what it means is that we are no longer these needy people, we no longer are these people
who, you know, we get so disappointed and hurt by, by people all the time, because we are no longer
in such a vulnerable position, where we're waiting for something from a person, and they don't fall,
they don't come through, and we're just devastated. And so if you find yourself, you know, in these
types of cycles with with within your relationships, it's a sign that you are putting your trust in
the wrong place, that you're seeking the wrong things in the wrong place for your support and your
		

			fulfillment, and your self worth. And that's also very important, because a lot of times we seek
other things to give us that sense of worth to give us that validation, we seek sometimes other
people liking us, other people, you know, thinking that we're smart, beautiful, successful,
sometimes we seek our career to validate us to give us that sense of self worth, we seek our you
know, our grades, and when we're when we're in school, we seek, you know, again, we seek other
people we seek, we look at, you know, our possessions, we looking to other things to make us feel
good about ourselves, to give us that self worth. And those things like the area we talked about,
		

			those things are by definition, weak, those things are by definition limited. And so those things
cannot provide us with that which we seek only God, the one who is unending and and completely
perfect, can provide us with those things. And so the way really the solution to break out of this,
this pattern of you know, you get close to someone they let you down, you get close to someone they
let you down. This pattern is a sign that you have the wrong attachment to people and things and
it's a sign that you are expecting from those you're expecting the wrong things from those people.
And this is where we have to refocus on Allah subhanaw taala and on our relationship with him, and
		

			within the relationship with people, it should be through Allah because of a law and for Allah. And
that's what loving for the sake of Allah means. It means that when I love you, it's because of Allah
that I love you. And when I give to you, it's because of a law that I'm giving to you. What does
that mean? How does that revolutionize our relationships with the way that it revolutionizes our
relationship?
		

			IPS is that I no longer am in need from, I am no longer in need of reciprocation, I'm no longer in
need of you to give me something back. That that, that that feeling of me that that that giving back
doesn't come from you, it comes from Allah. And so this really, really is liberating because suppose
you're, you know, you're you're in a in a friendship or you're in or in a relationship, and you're,
you're giving so much to this friendship and you don't feel like it's being reciprocated. Well,
that's not going to get you down because you know, that whatever you gave, you're gonna be rewarded
by Allah subhana wa Tada. And if you really care about that person, and you're, you know, you're
		

			trying to, to, for example, help them out. If they're struggling, you know, in terms of Deen or
they're struggling with something else. You don't even need their appreciation. Because Allah is a
Shaku, Allah is going to appreciate what you're doing. And Allah is going to reward you for what
you're doing. And so you're no longer get in this vulnerable situation where you're constantly
broken or you're constantly disappointed, or that you're this needy person who needs to be filled by
other people or other things. Now, again, we're talking on serenity and we're talking about your
questions, your issues, what are the things that you're dealing with and and what are the you know,
		

			what are the types of spiritual solutions that we can find to our everyday struggles, please do
write in at Serenity at one legacy radio.com and please remember to tune in next week at 3pm pacific
standard time as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh