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Family Matter

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Yasmin Mogahed

Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Moving on to our next session, session number 27, which is entitled family matters, bridging the gap between ideals and reality.

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Our first speaker for this session is a startup. Yes, yes.

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Yes, just launched her brand new book love and happiness, which is available here at the RMS booth, along with her best selling book reclaim your heart,

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which has received international acclaim. Yasmin is currently an instructor for Alma Grove Institute, A writer for The Huffington Post and international speaker and invited lecturer at Oxford, Harvard, Yale, Stanford and many other universities around the world. She received her BSc degree in psychology and her master's in journalism and mass communications from the University of Wisconsin Madison.

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I'd like you all to join me in welcoming Jasmine which is

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Bismillahirrahmanirrahim Rahim wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah while alliums rpH buying arbitrarily Saudi were steadily, Omri locked them in the Sani of only

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Allah subhanaw taala tells us in the poor and

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in anyone who has ever been invited to a Muslim wedding, anyone who's been invited knows this, because it's on every Muslim invitation that I would have allowed me to share. I

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mean, I T and Haleakala come in and fusi comb as well. And it is cuando la, wa Jalla Bay, no como at the turn.

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And from among His Signs is this that he created from you, for you, spouses, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and he put love and mercy between you.

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Now, there's a lot that we can take from this area. But the reason I want to begin with this is because the topic today is about bridging this gap in terms of family, bridging the gap between ideal and reality. But before we can bridge that gap, we have to know what ideal is what does Allah subhanaw taala say, should this relationship be based on.

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And so I want to make a couple of reflections about this idea, because it gives us that foundation of what this relationship should be based on. And I want to make another very important point, because I believe that a lot of our families have fallen apart because of losing this one concept. And that is that I believe that a lot of our families, once children come into the equation, the the foundation of the family no longer becomes the marriage, and it becomes the children. And that's actually a mistake, the foundation of a family is the marriage. And when the marriage is strong, the family is strong. But when we start to shift that focus, and instead, we give precedence, and we and

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we in fact do injustice to the marriage, for the sake of the children. When we do that we are actually harming the children and the marriage and the family. And so what we have to do from the very beginning is understand that the foundation of a strong family is a strong marriage. And this idea that investing in your marriage is being selfish needs to be removed, that people need to go back to investing in their relationship. And they need to stop making the entire focal point the children that becomes unhealthy not only to the children, but even to the marriage in the family itself. I as I put it, a lot of our parents, they start to take their children and put their

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children at the center and Duplo walls around them.

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Like Like, like literally put the children let's be honest, namely the boys, the sons, they put them at the center and they do pull off around them. And what happens is this creates a lot of issues, social issues, psychological a lot of problems because of this, because of this lack of balance, where you've taken your son, your son,

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your son, your child, is where the sun as un rises and sets right and this is a place

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problem for many reasons, but one of the reasons which is relevant to what I'm speaking about today is it can do injustice to the marriage. Because what happens, and I'll just give you one example, things like

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mothers sleeping next to their child, and the husband sleeping alone, this has an imbalance, this isn't the way that that the structure should be in a family. The foundation is the marriage. And that is the center and the foundation of the rest of the family. But when people shift that balance, and make an imbalance, that's when you get problems later on. And you find many cases then later on, where the marriage or rather the husband and the wife have become just parents.

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They've become just parents living under a roof right over time. Well, what happens when you neglect a relationship? What happens if you neglected a relationship with a friend or or or a colleague or anyone, what happens is you start to move apart. And what happens in these situations is that these people have neglected their relationship for so long, that over time, they just became two parents living under one roof. And some stay together just for the children. And then some of them when the children move out, that's when they separate these kinds of things can be avoided if we invest from the beginning in the marriage and not make the children at the center. This is very important. And

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believe me, you will make the children more healthy if the marriage is healthy and strong. So Allah subhanaw taala says women are Yachty and Haleakala come in and fusi home as well. And it has kulu la, which Allah beynac como at the terrafirma. So the first thing I want to reflect upon in this app is the second part that Allah says that we're supposed to find tranquility in our spouses.

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Now, this isn't always the case. But it's important for us to know how it should be, so that we can recognize when something has gone wrong. We have to be able to know how it should be so we can recognize when something goes wrong, right? And if something goes wrong, we should know how to respond. So to begin with, how should it be? Well, it's supposed to be a place of tranquility. The marriage is supposed to be a place of sanctuary. It's supposed to be a shelter from the storm. It's not supposed to be the storm, that you leave the house to go to shelter.

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It's supposed to be the shelter itself.

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So that there is stress outside, there is stress, there is storms outside, but you're supposed to be able to find shelter within that relationship. That relationship Allah subhanaw taala describes in the tests cuando la for you to find tranquility in one another. So it is it's supposed to be that shelter or that sanctuary in the storm. And unfortunately, a lot of cases it's the opposite, where the storm is inside the house, and people go outside to find shelter.

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The other point I want to make is the Mahabharata and the Rama, this up this this expressed love mawatha comes from the root word of Allah subhanaw taala the attribute of Allah and Wedgwood, the one the source of love,

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and the most loving and the source of all love. And Rama from Al Rahman and Rahim, this mercy that Allah says he put between the spouses expressed love and mercy. So again, it shows us what's supposed what it's supposed to be like, and if these things are missing, then we know that something is not right.

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These are the ideals now, okay?

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Allah subhanaw taala also describes the spouses as garments for one another, the best. Now, if you look at a garment, I could say that a garment has maybe three main roles that it plays. The first is that a garment actually beautifies This is why people put in so much money into the fashion

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sector so much money into the fashion industry is because clothes actually are supposed to beautify. They don't only cover, but they also beautify. And similarly,

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a spouse is supposed to beautify the other spouse. What does that mean? It means to to help the person become better. to beautify the person. Your your marriage is supposed to be a means to get to become a better person to become closer to Allah subhanaw taala. It's a character builder. And that's not always easy. Obviously, building anything isn't easy. building muscle, ask anyone who goes to the gym, it's not easy, but it's something that makes you a better person at beautiful

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You in the end. Secondly, a garment covers. And this is very important. a spouse is meant to cover the defects in the other spouse. And of course, I have to put a footnote here. This doesn't mean that if there's abuse,

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that you cannot seek help for that. So sometimes, this is one of the main misconceptions that people have that keep them from seeking help, that keeps them from seeking professional counseling, is they think, well, I cannot expose their flaws or their faults. Yes, in general, when you're sitting in a, in a gathering or your with your girlfriends or with you, or your with your, your male friends, if men are with their male friends talking about their wives or women or talking about their husband, that's what it's referring to, you don't, you don't expose the faults and the flaws of your spouse in that way. But if you are going to seek help, then that's not considered backbiting. That's not

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what it's referring to. So when you're in public, for example, you don't make jokes, mocking the other spouse or, or exposing something about them, but rather, a garment covers, covers. So if we have a defect,

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or a or a scar on our body, the garments gonna cover that.

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Right, it's not going to expose that. And it's not a very effective garment if it's exposing that. It's not doing one of its jobs. And another thing that a garment is the the garment of a spouse does is it covers a person's chastity, it helps a person to keep their own chastity that that's one of the roles that we play as a spouse for one another, that we help one another to stay loyal. And to lower our gaze and to be modest and to be chest.

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And lastly, it protects from the cold for example, right now, we're in the middle of winter in Toronto, so it's cold, it's been snowing, but you put on a jacket and that keeps you warm. So the Garmin in that sense is protecting you. It protects you garments protect you from rain, if you put on a if you put on a rain jacket, it protects you from rain, it protects you from cold it protects you from heat if you put on certain garments to cover you from the from the sun. And in the same way your spouse is supposed to protect you. a spouse is supposed to be a protector for the other spouse.

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Now I've talked briefly very briefly about the ideal. But in life, we don't always get the ideal you know as Allah subhanaw taala teaches us the very powerful and beautiful drop in the quarter and Robin ahead blend them in as well as you know with oriental kurata iron, which I'm dealing with tokina Mmm, is a very important word in this in this job and that's Helena. Oh Allah, give us the gift. See, give us the gift of making our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, a source of comfort. But see, notice that the word used here is gift HIPAA is a gift headliner give us the the HIPAA the gift of this. Which means now what a gift is a gift deserved? Or can you buy in if

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someone someone's giving you a gift? Have you paid for it? Do you didn't necessarily deserve it? No. A gift is just given because the giver is generous. And the giver is and what have any loves to give gifts.

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So we have to also recognize that this is a narrow mindset. It's a blessing. It's a type of provision. But it isn't necessarily something that everyone gets. And it isn't necessarily something that's only given to the deserving. This is a very important point as well, because we have a lot of judgmental attitudes in our community. For example, when we see families that are going through difficulty, when we see broken families, when we see divorces, when we see children who are suffering, we standing from where we are perhaps maybe we've been gifted with our children and our spouses being the coolness of our eyes, it's a gift. But maybe we're looking at others and judging

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them that maybe they're not as good as us and that's why they got divorced. And that's why their kids are off the right track. You know what I'm saying? This very judgmental and honestly arrogant attitude. And by the way, it's extremely dangerous because guess what happens when you are not grateful for a gift.

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When you are not grateful for a gift, you can become tested in those gifts and those gifts can be taken away from you. It's like a person who's been gifted with health

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and looks at someone who's sick and judges them and says you know why? It's because they're just not as good as me. They don't work out as much as me or they don't eat as much

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raw, organic greeny green vegetables as me, you know, I mean, and you judge that person and you and you shame that person, we would never do that. Because we realize that health is a gift, hopefully.

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Same thing with wealth. If you have money, you've been gifted with that money, don't think that it's only because of your hard work. Because guess what, there are children working in sweatshops who are working harder than you, and they're not making the money you're making.

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So at the end of the day, we have to understand that all these things are provisions and they are gifts, and a lot very accurately puts it. He uses the word HIPAA, which is a gift, or been a headliner, Minh as well as you know, with regard to that plural to iron that make our our chil our spouses and our children, the coolness of our eyes, this is a gift. So be careful. If you have it, be grateful, don't be arrogant, and do not take credit for it. That's very important. I'll tell you one of the pitfalls we fall into as, as parents and as spouses. Imagine that you've been gifted with a righteous child, please don't take credit for it.

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Please thank Allah, please be grateful. Because I will tell you, you are not better than no Halesowen.

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And he was not gifted with a righteous child. And it's not because he was lacking

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to understand. So the point here is be grateful for your gifts, do not be arrogant and do not take credit. What happens to someone who took credit for what he had, as we know, in the end, we're given the story of qarun. Harun was a man who had so much wealth a lot describes him sort of focuses, he had so much that the keys to his wealth was wealth. That's how much he owned. And he used to be very arrogant. And when people would tell him to be grateful, he said, in M o t, to highlight him in NT that I got all of this because of a knowledge in me.

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Just see what he's doing. He's taking credit for what he has. He says, because of me, it's because I'm so smart. And sometimes we have this attitude. But Allah shows us what happened to him. Allah says that the earth swallowed him and his home has pretty intense. And I mean, sometimes I used to read about this and be like, how does that even happen? And then I learned about this thing called sinkholes, and I was like, OMG. It's like a real thing.

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All right, so the point here is that he was taking credit for his gifts. Be mindful, never to take credit your children, if they are righteous, and on the straight path, it is because Allah has protected them. And Allah has guided them and Allah has gifted you with that. And always remember that even prophets had issues within their family.

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Little family, his salams wife was not righteous is not because he was a bad husband,

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Ibrahim Ali salaams father was one of those who was making the idols.

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Asya Alia salam, she was married to the worst tyrant walk the earth who used to say, and that'll bukem will Allah, I am your Lord Most High. Why do we learn about these stories? Because on the one hand, yes, Allah subhanaw taala tells us the ideal, he tells us how it should be. But then he's also giving us examples that even the most righteous had issues in their family.

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And we need to number one, stop being so judgmental, and stop thinking that we are better because we've been given a specific gift and someone else has it. Allah subhanaw taala she passes out his gifts according to his wisdom. It doesn't mean that if you're better you get, you get this gift. And if you're worse, you get you don't get that gift. That's not how it works. Because as you know, some of the worst people have health, have wealth, and even have good families, isn't it? We have people who who may curse to snap and they're still given some of these things. So don't don't think that way.

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Now what should we do? I don't have much time left. But what I want to leave you with is a principle.

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Subodh doesn't mean turning the other cheek.

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Patience. Subbu doesn't mean you allow yourself to be abused.

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It is not righteousness, to allow yourself or your children to be abused. In fact, yourself and your children are amedda they are a trust given to you by Allah subhanaw taala and you will be asked about that trust. And if you put your children in a situation where they are in danger or they are being abused and you allow that you

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We'll be asked by Allah subhanaw taala What did you do to protect your children?

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So please, please, do not swallow this, this narrative that you're being righteous by turning the other cheek and being passive. You're not. That's not what the prophet SAW Selim said to do. He said, If you see something wrong, you have to try to change it. Please don't buy into this idea that Islam is a is a passive, Deen. It's not. It's extremely active. It is an active Deen. We're supposed to be people of action. When we see injustice, we have to take action. We cannot turn the other cheek. That's, that's a different religion. That's not our religion. So when you see something wrong, the prophets I send him said you have to try to change it with your hand. And if you cannot,

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then with your tongue, by speaking out against it, and if you cannot do any of that, then at the least you have to hate it in your heart. And this is the weakest of you, man. Look at that. The prophets I send them has linked Amen. Faith with taking action against injustice. So don't let anyone make you believe that you are being a, a more righteous Muslim, by by putting up with injustice by putting up with abuse. It is part of your worship, to take action, against abuse and against injustice. Allah subhanaw taala does not approve of injustice by himself or by anyone else.

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There's a hadith in which the prophets I send him said help your brother. If he is the oppressor or he is oppressed, I'll come out whether help your brother if he is the oppressor, he is will present a companion said we know how to help him if he's the old press. But how do we help him if he himself is the oppressor? And the prophets I said to him said by stopping him from oppressing.

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That's how you help your brother or your spouse is by stopping them from oppressing, according only Heather was stopped for a lady welcome in our

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lobby.