Yasmin Mogahed – Family Matter

			Moving on to our next session, session number 27, which is entitled family matters, bridging the gap
between ideals and reality.
		

			Our first speaker for this session is a startup. Yes, yes.
		

			Yes, just launched her brand new book love and happiness, which is available here at the RMS booth,
along with her best selling book reclaim your heart,
		

			which has received international acclaim. Yasmin is currently an instructor for Alma Grove
Institute, A writer for The Huffington Post and international speaker and invited lecturer at
Oxford, Harvard, Yale, Stanford and many other universities around the world. She received her BSc
degree in psychology and her master's in journalism and mass communications from the University of
Wisconsin Madison.
		

			I'd like you all to join me in welcoming Jasmine which is
		

			Bismillahirrahmanirrahim Rahim wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah while alliums rpH buying
arbitrarily Saudi were steadily, Omri locked them in the Sani of only
		

			Allah subhanaw taala tells us in the poor and
		

			in anyone who has ever been invited to a Muslim wedding, anyone who's been invited knows this,
because it's on every Muslim invitation that I would have allowed me to share. I
		

			mean, I T and Haleakala come in and fusi comb as well. And it is cuando la, wa Jalla Bay, no como at
the turn.
		

			And from among His Signs is this that he created from you, for you, spouses, that you may dwell in
tranquility with them, and he put love and mercy between you.
		

			Now, there's a lot that we can take from this area. But the reason I want to begin with this is
because the topic today is about bridging this gap in terms of family, bridging the gap between
ideal and reality. But before we can bridge that gap, we have to know what ideal is what does Allah
subhanaw taala say, should this relationship be based on.
		

			And so I want to make a couple of reflections about this idea, because it gives us that foundation
of what this relationship should be based on. And I want to make another very important point,
because I believe that a lot of our families have fallen apart because of losing this one concept.
And that is that I believe that a lot of our families, once children come into the equation, the the
foundation of the family no longer becomes the marriage, and it becomes the children. And that's
actually a mistake, the foundation of a family is the marriage. And when the marriage is strong, the
family is strong. But when we start to shift that focus, and instead, we give precedence, and we and
		

			we in fact do injustice to the marriage, for the sake of the children. When we do that we are
actually harming the children and the marriage and the family. And so what we have to do from the
very beginning is understand that the foundation of a strong family is a strong marriage. And this
idea that investing in your marriage is being selfish needs to be removed, that people need to go
back to investing in their relationship. And they need to stop making the entire focal point the
children that becomes unhealthy not only to the children, but even to the marriage in the family
itself. I as I put it, a lot of our parents, they start to take their children and put their
		

			children at the center and Duplo walls around them.
		

			Like Like, like literally put the children let's be honest, namely the boys, the sons, they put them
at the center and they do pull off around them. And what happens is this creates a lot of issues,
social issues, psychological a lot of problems because of this, because of this lack of balance,
where you've taken your son, your son,
		

			your son, your child, is where the sun as un rises and sets right and this is a place
		

			problem for many reasons, but one of the reasons which is relevant to what I'm speaking about today
is it can do injustice to the marriage. Because what happens, and I'll just give you one example,
things like
		

			mothers sleeping next to their child, and the husband sleeping alone, this has an imbalance, this
isn't the way that that the structure should be in a family. The foundation is the marriage. And
that is the center and the foundation of the rest of the family. But when people shift that balance,
and make an imbalance, that's when you get problems later on. And you find many cases then later on,
where the marriage or rather the husband and the wife have become just parents.
		

			They've become just parents living under a roof right over time. Well, what happens when you neglect
a relationship? What happens if you neglected a relationship with a friend or or or a colleague or
anyone, what happens is you start to move apart. And what happens in these situations is that these
people have neglected their relationship for so long, that over time, they just became two parents
living under one roof. And some stay together just for the children. And then some of them when the
children move out, that's when they separate these kinds of things can be avoided if we invest from
the beginning in the marriage and not make the children at the center. This is very important. And
		

			believe me, you will make the children more healthy if the marriage is healthy and strong. So Allah
subhanaw taala says women are Yachty and Haleakala come in and fusi home as well. And it has kulu
la, which Allah beynac como at the terrafirma. So the first thing I want to reflect upon in this app
is the second part that Allah says that we're supposed to find tranquility in our spouses.
		

			Now, this isn't always the case. But it's important for us to know how it should be, so that we can
recognize when something has gone wrong. We have to be able to know how it should be so we can
recognize when something goes wrong, right? And if something goes wrong, we should know how to
respond. So to begin with, how should it be? Well, it's supposed to be a place of tranquility. The
marriage is supposed to be a place of sanctuary. It's supposed to be a shelter from the storm. It's
not supposed to be the storm, that you leave the house to go to shelter.
		

			It's supposed to be the shelter itself.
		

			So that there is stress outside, there is stress, there is storms outside, but you're supposed to be
able to find shelter within that relationship. That relationship Allah subhanaw taala describes in
the tests cuando la for you to find tranquility in one another. So it is it's supposed to be that
shelter or that sanctuary in the storm. And unfortunately, a lot of cases it's the opposite, where
the storm is inside the house, and people go outside to find shelter.
		

			The other point I want to make is the Mahabharata and the Rama, this up this this expressed love
mawatha comes from the root word of Allah subhanaw taala the attribute of Allah and Wedgwood, the
one the source of love,
		

			and the most loving and the source of all love. And Rama from Al Rahman and Rahim, this mercy that
Allah says he put between the spouses expressed love and mercy. So again, it shows us what's
supposed what it's supposed to be like, and if these things are missing, then we know that something
is not right.
		

			These are the ideals now, okay?
		

			Allah subhanaw taala also describes the spouses as garments for one another, the best. Now, if you
look at a garment, I could say that a garment has maybe three main roles that it plays. The first is
that a garment actually beautifies This is why people put in so much money into the fashion
		

			sector so much money into the fashion industry is because clothes actually are supposed to beautify.
They don't only cover, but they also beautify. And similarly,
		

			a spouse is supposed to beautify the other spouse. What does that mean? It means to to help the
person become better. to beautify the person. Your your marriage is supposed to be a means to get to
become a better person to become closer to Allah subhanaw taala. It's a character builder. And
that's not always easy. Obviously, building anything isn't easy. building muscle, ask anyone who
goes to the gym, it's not easy, but it's something that makes you a better person at beautiful
		

			You in the end. Secondly, a garment covers. And this is very important. a spouse is meant to cover
the defects in the other spouse. And of course, I have to put a footnote here. This doesn't mean
that if there's abuse,
		

			that you cannot seek help for that. So sometimes, this is one of the main misconceptions that people
have that keep them from seeking help, that keeps them from seeking professional counseling, is they
think, well, I cannot expose their flaws or their faults. Yes, in general, when you're sitting in a,
in a gathering or your with your girlfriends or with you, or your with your, your male friends, if
men are with their male friends talking about their wives or women or talking about their husband,
that's what it's referring to, you don't, you don't expose the faults and the flaws of your spouse
in that way. But if you are going to seek help, then that's not considered backbiting. That's not
		

			what it's referring to. So when you're in public, for example, you don't make jokes, mocking the
other spouse or, or exposing something about them, but rather, a garment covers, covers. So if we
have a defect,
		

			or a or a scar on our body, the garments gonna cover that.
		

			Right, it's not going to expose that. And it's not a very effective garment if it's exposing that.
It's not doing one of its jobs. And another thing that a garment is the the garment of a spouse does
is it covers a person's chastity, it helps a person to keep their own chastity that that's one of
the roles that we play as a spouse for one another, that we help one another to stay loyal. And to
lower our gaze and to be modest and to be chest.
		

			And lastly, it protects from the cold for example, right now, we're in the middle of winter in
Toronto, so it's cold, it's been snowing, but you put on a jacket and that keeps you warm. So the
Garmin in that sense is protecting you. It protects you garments protect you from rain, if you put
on a if you put on a rain jacket, it protects you from rain, it protects you from cold it protects
you from heat if you put on certain garments to cover you from the from the sun. And in the same way
your spouse is supposed to protect you. a spouse is supposed to be a protector for the other spouse.
		

			Now I've talked briefly very briefly about the ideal. But in life, we don't always get the ideal you
know as Allah subhanaw taala teaches us the very powerful and beautiful drop in the quarter and
Robin ahead blend them in as well as you know with oriental kurata iron, which I'm dealing with
tokina Mmm, is a very important word in this in this job and that's Helena. Oh Allah, give us the
gift. See, give us the gift of making our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes, a
source of comfort. But see, notice that the word used here is gift HIPAA is a gift headliner give us
the the HIPAA the gift of this. Which means now what a gift is a gift deserved? Or can you buy in if
		

			someone someone's giving you a gift? Have you paid for it? Do you didn't necessarily deserve it? No.
A gift is just given because the giver is generous. And the giver is and what have any loves to give
gifts.
		

			So we have to also recognize that this is a narrow mindset. It's a blessing. It's a type of
provision. But it isn't necessarily something that everyone gets. And it isn't necessarily something
that's only given to the deserving. This is a very important point as well, because we have a lot of
judgmental attitudes in our community. For example, when we see families that are going through
difficulty, when we see broken families, when we see divorces, when we see children who are
suffering, we standing from where we are perhaps maybe we've been gifted with our children and our
spouses being the coolness of our eyes, it's a gift. But maybe we're looking at others and judging
		

			them that maybe they're not as good as us and that's why they got divorced. And that's why their
kids are off the right track. You know what I'm saying? This very judgmental and honestly arrogant
attitude. And by the way, it's extremely dangerous because guess what happens when you are not
grateful for a gift.
		

			When you are not grateful for a gift, you can become tested in those gifts and those gifts can be
taken away from you. It's like a person who's been gifted with health
		

			and looks at someone who's sick and judges them and says you know why? It's because they're just not
as good as me. They don't work out as much as me or they don't eat as much
		

			raw, organic greeny green vegetables as me, you know, I mean, and you judge that person and you and
you shame that person, we would never do that. Because we realize that health is a gift, hopefully.
		

			Same thing with wealth. If you have money, you've been gifted with that money, don't think that it's
only because of your hard work. Because guess what, there are children working in sweatshops who are
working harder than you, and they're not making the money you're making.
		

			So at the end of the day, we have to understand that all these things are provisions and they are
gifts, and a lot very accurately puts it. He uses the word HIPAA, which is a gift, or been a
headliner, Minh as well as you know, with regard to that plural to iron that make our our chil our
spouses and our children, the coolness of our eyes, this is a gift. So be careful. If you have it,
be grateful, don't be arrogant, and do not take credit for it. That's very important. I'll tell you
one of the pitfalls we fall into as, as parents and as spouses. Imagine that you've been gifted with
a righteous child, please don't take credit for it.
		

			Please thank Allah, please be grateful. Because I will tell you, you are not better than no
Halesowen.
		

			And he was not gifted with a righteous child. And it's not because he was lacking
		

			to understand. So the point here is be grateful for your gifts, do not be arrogant and do not take
credit. What happens to someone who took credit for what he had, as we know, in the end, we're given
the story of qarun. Harun was a man who had so much wealth a lot describes him sort of focuses, he
had so much that the keys to his wealth was wealth. That's how much he owned. And he used to be very
arrogant. And when people would tell him to be grateful, he said, in M o t, to highlight him in NT
that I got all of this because of a knowledge in me.
		

			Just see what he's doing. He's taking credit for what he has. He says, because of me, it's because
I'm so smart. And sometimes we have this attitude. But Allah shows us what happened to him. Allah
says that the earth swallowed him and his home has pretty intense. And I mean, sometimes I used to
read about this and be like, how does that even happen? And then I learned about this thing called
sinkholes, and I was like, OMG. It's like a real thing.
		

			All right, so the point here is that he was taking credit for his gifts. Be mindful, never to take
credit your children, if they are righteous, and on the straight path, it is because Allah has
protected them. And Allah has guided them and Allah has gifted you with that. And always remember
that even prophets had issues within their family.
		

			Little family, his salams wife was not righteous is not because he was a bad husband,
		

			Ibrahim Ali salaams father was one of those who was making the idols.
		

			Asya Alia salam, she was married to the worst tyrant walk the earth who used to say, and that'll
bukem will Allah, I am your Lord Most High. Why do we learn about these stories? Because on the one
hand, yes, Allah subhanaw taala tells us the ideal, he tells us how it should be. But then he's also
giving us examples that even the most righteous had issues in their family.
		

			And we need to number one, stop being so judgmental, and stop thinking that we are better because
we've been given a specific gift and someone else has it. Allah subhanaw taala she passes out his
gifts according to his wisdom. It doesn't mean that if you're better you get, you get this gift. And
if you're worse, you get you don't get that gift. That's not how it works. Because as you know, some
of the worst people have health, have wealth, and even have good families, isn't it? We have people
who who may curse to snap and they're still given some of these things. So don't don't think that
way.
		

			Now what should we do? I don't have much time left. But what I want to leave you with is a
principle.
		

			Subodh doesn't mean turning the other cheek.
		

			Patience. Subbu doesn't mean you allow yourself to be abused.
		

			It is not righteousness, to allow yourself or your children to be abused. In fact, yourself and your
children are amedda they are a trust given to you by Allah subhanaw taala and you will be asked
about that trust. And if you put your children in a situation where they are in danger or they are
being abused and you allow that you
		

			We'll be asked by Allah subhanaw taala What did you do to protect your children?
		

			So please, please, do not swallow this, this narrative that you're being righteous by turning the
other cheek and being passive. You're not. That's not what the prophet SAW Selim said to do. He
said, If you see something wrong, you have to try to change it. Please don't buy into this idea that
Islam is a is a passive, Deen. It's not. It's extremely active. It is an active Deen. We're supposed
to be people of action. When we see injustice, we have to take action. We cannot turn the other
cheek. That's, that's a different religion. That's not our religion. So when you see something
wrong, the prophets I send him said you have to try to change it with your hand. And if you cannot,
		

			then with your tongue, by speaking out against it, and if you cannot do any of that, then at the
least you have to hate it in your heart. And this is the weakest of you, man. Look at that. The
prophets I send them has linked Amen. Faith with taking action against injustice. So don't let
anyone make you believe that you are being a, a more righteous Muslim, by by putting up with
injustice by putting up with abuse. It is part of your worship, to take action, against abuse and
against injustice. Allah subhanaw taala does not approve of injustice by himself or by anyone else.
		

			There's a hadith in which the prophets I send him said help your brother. If he is the oppressor or
he is oppressed, I'll come out whether help your brother if he is the oppressor, he is will present
a companion said we know how to help him if he's the old press. But how do we help him if he himself
is the oppressor? And the prophets I said to him said by stopping him from oppressing.
		

			That's how you help your brother or your spouse is by stopping them from oppressing, according only
Heather was stopped for a lady welcome in our
		

			lobby.