Anger Management
By: Yasmin Mogahed
Serenity Podcast
Yasmin Mogahed – Anger Management
AI: Summary ©
The root of anger is the need to let go of control and avoid harming others. controlling one's anger and avoiding negative expectations is crucial to avoiding harming others. It is important to manage one's anger in a profitable way to avoid damaging others and create a fruitful life. Enforcing positive expectations and avoiding harming others is key to avoiding anger management issues.
AI: Summary ©
Assalamu Aleikum This is Yasmin Mujahid, and you're listening to serenity, streaming live on one legacy radio. Today we are speaking about a topic which a lot of people, I think deal with either personally or with those around them. And that is the topic of anger management. This is something that's extremely important for us to understand. Because the prophets I send them told us the importance of controlling our anger. In one Hadith of the prophets, I seldom asked his companions, who is the strong person. And their response was very similar to maybe what what our response would be. And that is they they responded by saying that the strong person is the one who can wrestle the
best. So they were looking at it from the physical strength. And the prophets, I send them responded and said, No, the strong person is the one who can control himself, in the fit of anger. In another Hadith of the prophets, I send them was asked, or was was giving advice to one of the companions and he said, Let's hold up, let them let them do not get angry, do not get angry, do not get angry. And he repeated it many times. Now we can look at this advice of the prophets live, send them with regards to anger in these two
traditions, these prophetic traditions, these ahaadeeth and and we can understand a couple things. First of all, do these ahaadeeth mean that anger that we should never feel the emotion of anger? And the answer is no, it isn't that we should never feel the emotion of anger, but the key is what we do with it. Because anger itself was actually put in us for reasons, you know, just similar to why, you know, we spoke about before the the the purpose of pain, for example, that pain isn't something that was an oversight on the on the on the side of a lost part of that out of the bill. Allah doesn't have any oversights. But Allah Subhana, that has a purpose for everything that he does. And
similarly, anger is put in us for a reason. But the intent of anger is, is actually the opposite of how we end up using our anger, the intent and one of the intents of anger is actually so that for a number of uses of the of anger, one is that that anger should be used in order to protect the weak and the oppressed against an oppressor. If we see when we see oppression, for example, Allah subhanaw taala put in us that that's supposed to incite anger inside of us, someone is being abused. Someone is being massacred. We see what's happening in Syria, we see what's happening in Burma. And these things are supposed to incite a feeling inside of us of anger. But now the question is what is
intended what what is the intent of that, that that feeling, and it should be motivating us to now protect the one who's being abused to protect the oppressed. Unfortunately, what the way in which we actually use our anger is exactly the opposite. We oftentimes use our anger instead of protecting others instead of to protect the oppressed, we actually use our anger in order to oppress and in order to harm others, and and it's supposed to be exactly the opposite. Another reason or another use of anger and how it can be channeled in the right way. Why we, you know, have this this emotion is that it's supposed to also be sort of directed towards our own neffs. And when I say our own
knifes, I don't mean you know, that we have self anger in the sense that or or self hate, but what I mean is against the lower part of ourselves. So when we find for example, that we are unable to leave a particular sin, we are unable to, to, you know, sacrifice something for the sake of a loss panel data, or we find ourselves that we are continuously repeating the same sin or we're, this should make us this should incite in us a feeling of anger, and that anger should be directed towards my own neffs and in that way actually motivate me to stop committing that sin to stop whatever it is that is displeasing to Allah subhanaw taala but again, instead we turn it again,
upside down and we do the opposite. We use our anger in order to do
defend our own selves, and we use it against others. And what we're really should be doing is directing it towards the lower part of our own selves. But instead, we use our anger to defend the lower part of our own selves against others. Now speaking about kind of the root of anger, and this is where I want to talk about anger management, in a way where we get at the root of it, what is it that causes anger, to be out of control for us to be unable to control our anger or, for us to be unable to manage it. And I think before we can speak about managing anger, we need to talk about what what, you know, feeds anger and what causes anger at at a root level. And when you look at the
causes of anger, you will find that one of the main causes of anger and one of the main causes of uncontrolled anger is the need for control, it is the need for control, it's the feeling that I don't like to be to not be in control of this situation, I don't like to feel rather that I'm not in control, because in reality, none of us are in control, we are not the ones in control, Allah subhanaw taala is the one in control. But we as human beings, we like to feel that we are in control. And those people who have more of that need to feel that they are in control, will tend to also be those who suffer more from from issues of anger management and have trouble more with
controlling their anger, you'll also find that when you have to have that sense of control, you also will find that that will also cause you to get angry more often and more quickly. So you'll be getting angry more quickly, getting angry more often. And also, once you do get angry, you have you know, less ability to manage that anger and to control it. You you as soon as you enter into a situation where where one feels out of control, that something is not happening, that the way that they had intended or the way that they had wanted it to happen. And as a result of that, that makes us angry, because we need to feel that things are happening the way we want them. And exactly
according to our plan. And the moment there's any, you know, sort of
some slight, you know, movie, slight derivation from that, we become very agitated and very angry. So that the cure to this root of anger, and we'll talk about a number of the roots of anger, the cure to this root is that we need to let go of this need for control, we need to let go for the need to be able to dictate how every outcome happens, how every little aspect of our life needs exactly to be, we have to have the ability to let that go. If we want to have a sense of
more internal stability and not have this constant problem with with anger. So the need for control, that's huge. And that's one of the biggest roots of anger. Again, you'll find those people who are more controlling or who need that sense more of control, tend to also it's coupled with with the the amount of anger and then also how often, you know this, this individual will get angry and how even little things will make that person angry, because those little things also are not happening in the way that we had wanted them to happen. So this is why you'll find you know, maybe you'll see a situation someone's getting really, really angry about something so small. And it has to do with the
fact that even though it's small, I needed it to happen the way I wanted, I needed it to happen the way that I expected it to happen. And I need to feel in control of it, even if it's a small issue, and it will still and so will therefore excite ignite our anger. The second, I think one of the second main roots of anger comes from expectations, a certain very high expectations, the more that we have high expectations of dunya of that which is in the dunya whether it's other people or you know our job or career, we have very, very high expectations. And you will also find that those people who have a problem with anger, or have a problem with either controlling their anger or
getting angry very often they also tend to be people who have very, very high and often unrealistic expectations. And we can say that these expectations are unrealistic because anytime you're
expecting a lot from dunya, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. And in actually what ends up happening is you're setting yourself up to be very angry, when you are expecting something to be a certain way. And, and this is the sort of the the problem with expectations, whenever you expect from the creation, or from dunya. The problem with expectations is that the moment you expect something versus hoping for something versus praying for something,
but the moment you expect something, you're actually setting yourself up for one of two outcomes. One, is if you get that which you expect, you can't even really enjoy it, you can't even really be grateful for it, because it's what you expected. I'm not, I'm not getting up in the morning, every day and, and thanking God because the sun rose, right, because I'm expecting it. But you know, if it was something that may or may not happen, and I wasn't expecting it, then I might really be thankful and grateful that I have liked to that day, right. But if it's something that you just expect that that's going to happen, and this is kind of your expectation now sets the minimal, the sort of the
minimum acceptable outcome that you will, you will even accept, right that you will even be okay with, and, and so even if you get that, well, you're not going to be happy, you're not going to be grateful, you're just going to be neutral, right? Because you got what you expected, yeah, I expected, I was gonna, you know, get up and, and this was, you know, things were going to be a certain way, and they happen that way. So, you know, for example, I expect, you know, somebody's going to be a certain way with me, when they are, it's not like, I'm going to suppose that there's a really, really, really nice person, you know, your colleague, and every single day, they they get
you coffee, and they get you, you know, some some muffins, and they leave it for you on your desk. And And so over time, every single day, this person does this for you. And so what happens is, then you start to expect it, right. So what happens is, you know, weeks go by, you know, this person is still doing it. So the next, you know, the first couple times you you might be really surprised. And in fact, the very first time that this person did this for you, you you'll be really grateful. And you'll be really happy. And you'll say thank you, right, you'll say thank you many times, and then maybe the second day again, why is that? The reason is you didn't really expect it, it was it was it
was surprising, you didn't expect this was going to happen. It was something that you know, out of the blue. So you're really grateful and happy. Then over time, maybe this person continues to do it every single day, for weeks for months, maybe even four years. Right? really lucky. And and so what happens is, well, you know what your once you expect it now, you know, a couple months later, when you come and you find it on your desk, it's no longer, you know, thank you it's, well, this is what I expected. And you're you know, you drink your coffee. But what happens now, and this is where we'll get into the second outcome. And this is where anger comes in. Now what happens when it's not
there, when the coffee isn't there, when the bagels aren't there? What happens when that thing that you expected is not, there is not what you expected. This is where anger comes in. Because I expected something and expectations, by definition are sort of where I put the minimum, you know, bar of what I'm going to be okay with. And so if something is below that, I'm going to be angry. And this is where we start to have a situation where a person who always has very high expectations and expects from everything and expects all the time. So what they're the at best, because you know most of the time, if the if expectations are very high, things are not going to exceed them at best
things will reach your expectations. And so at best, you'll be neutral. and at worst, and most often you're going to be angry because most of the time since you set your expectations so high and so unrealistically and you're you know, you have this sort of perfectionist, idealistic expectation of things. And again, that's different than hoping for things that that because of that, most of the time things are going to fall below your expectations. which then means most of the time, you're going to be angry. Most of the time you're going to be irritated. In you know, some level of anger is you're going to be feeling and externalizing because most of the time it's going to fall under
this very high bar that you've set for yourself. And as a result, this this will be a person who very seldom shows appreciation
And very seldom is you know, shows or feels gratitude, it's very difficult for this person to even feel gratitude, let alone show it. And instead what what what this person tends to, to show most of the time is irritation and anger, and it has everything to do with, you know, where they are placing their expectations, and the fact that they are placing their expectations. So high, and and across the board all the time, I have an expectation of, of how long it's going to take to do this, X, Y, and Z. And it takes two minutes longer. So I'm very irritated, I have an expectation that I'm going to be, you know, a person is going to do X, Y and Z for me today. And okay, they did it, well, I'm
not gonna say thank you, because I expected it. But if they don't do it, or if they don't do half of it, now I'm very irritated, or I'm very angry. And this is this is something that we, the the the solution to this really comes at the root, and that's where I'm where I'm putting the expectation itself, what are my expectations? Where am I putting my expectations, and, you know,
again, we want to talk about, there is a difference, obviously, between putting our, our hope, having hope for something and, and wanting in hoping that something will be a certain way and expecting it to be because when you hope for something, and it does happen, you're extremely excited, right? You're extremely grateful, because you really wanted this thing. And it happened but expecting something different expecting is gets into the realm of entitlement gets into the realm of this is what I deserve. And any time we get into that realm, it can be it can be tricky. I will, you know, put a side note here to make very clear that of course, there are minimal You know, there are
there are definitely universals in terms of expectations, for example,
as an expectation, I must be treated with a certain level of respect, I cannot accept someone to to abuse me or to treat me in a certain way below that that level. So I want to clarify that that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that, that there are no expectations. I'm not saying that, you know, for example, we one, a person who gets married should expect that her spouse will will support her financially. This is one of the the rights of a woman, this is one of the responsibilities of the man is to financially support his family. This is an expectation, which of course, is is a valid expectation. And if that's not happening, if, for example, the man decides
that he'd rather, you know, just stay home and not look for a job that that that obviously, that's a you know, that's not something that's acceptable. One is not saying that, that we have no expectations, but what we're talking about here is, yes, Allah Subhana Allah has put certain minimum minimums. Yes, it's true that there are certain expectations that we cannot accept anything below respect, that you're treated in a certain way you don't accept abuse, you don't accept somebody,
you know, taking away your rights, your God given rights. But what we're what we're speaking about today is something very different. And I think those who, who who kind of have experienced this know know what I mean. This is this is about a person who's not just expecting that they have the rights and the rights that given by Allah Spano Tata are insured. But this is someone who, who has expectations about everything all the time. And those expectations are not at the, the the level, the minimal level that Allah subhanaw taala has put but rather they're up in the sky, and they're there. They're always up in the sky and for everything. It's just, it's, it's actually more of a
sense of entitlement that I deserve these things and anything below what I deserve, I'm going to be angry about and I'm going to fight about and I'm going to be irritated about that. That's what we have to change, we have to change that. That concept of of entitlement, that feeling of I deserve this and I and once we do that, then we're able to get anger at at its root along with the the need for control and the the expectations and having those expectations be unrealistic and and also it coming from a place of this is what I deserve and and a sense of entitlement. We will inshallah take a short break now. And returning we will go ahead and take your questions about anger management.
Salam aleykum This is Yasmin Mujahid, and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are speaking today about the topic of anger and anger management. What are the roots of anger? And what are your questions regarding this important topic? Why is it important to control our anger? What has the prophets I send them taught us about controlling our anger? And what are some of the actual purposes of anger itself? We have some questions in the chat box. One of the question reads, my husband is a very sweet man. But with his with the sweetness comes extreme anger problems alone with Stan, he easily gets angry and raises his voice. And when he is really angry, he
says very hurtful things, sometimes very demeaning, and over very insignificant issues.
You know, this is the thing about anger is, you know, with it is it is it is a problem. Anger Management is an issue that you can't solve for another person. And it's important though, if you are the victim of someone else's anger problem, the first thing that's important for you to understand is that it's not your fault. Uh, one of the the very common
sort of myths, or one of the most common things that that a person with anger management problems will try to make those around them believe, is that well, it's because of you, you made me angry, you did this, you. And so the, it's again, it's it's because of the the, the person is not owning up to the issue, the person, it comes again with one big package of entitlement self and, and, and the sense of entitlement, and that I'm not the one with the problem, but it's you who making me angry. So it's important that you don't internalize that, that you understand that it isn't your fault, it isn't because of you that that that person cannot control their anger, anger, anger management
issues are a problem that the person has who has anger management issues, it is not anyone else's problem that they have made them angry. And you'll and as you mentioned here, it'll be over insignificant issues. And it isn't, it isn't your fault. So that's one of the most important things as a victim of someone who has anger management issues to understand don't that we you should not let it affect your your self esteem, or affect your your own self image or the idea of of what you know your self worth in that you are not the problem you are not what's causing it. And that also means that you can't solve it for them. The anger management needs to be something that that the
person themselves has to decide that this is important. And this is something that I'm going to struggle to work on. You know, if any human being I usually see this is the way that the human being is created a less powerful data says that he created the human being weak. And so we have this weakness in our nature. And we want the easy way out. We always want the shortcuts we want. What's more, you know, what's what's more simple, over what's more difficult? And which one is easier? When you get irritated? Or you feel anger inside of you? Is it easier to control it? Or is it easier to just externalize it and show no restraint and just yell or scream or or whatever? And the answer is,
of course, it's easier to show no control, it's easier to show no restraint. Showing restraint takes effort takes work. And so we human beings, we like to take the easy way out, except except when we're forced to take the harder route. And so it's important I would say that the the the role of this The so called victim the role of the one who is the victim of those who have anger management issues. Their role is I would say twofold. One, realizing like I said realizing that it isn't your fault that it isn't your fault that that person cannot control their anger. And second, not enabling them. I mentioned that you aren't able to solve it for them. You can't. You can't, you know, make it
go away just like you didn't cause it, but at the same
time there is something you can do to help them into into an in and to make it easier for them to get over their their problem. And that is do not enable them, do not enable them means don't accept it, don't say it's okay, that they can treat you however they want, because they were angry, don't just be passive about it. But rather, by making it unacceptable to behave in that way and to act in that way, you are helping that person. Because what you're doing is you're closing off that easier route of It's okay, it's okay to just blow up, it's okay to act however you want when you're angry. But by saying it isn't Okay, you are helping that person to now take the the harder route, but the
higher route and the better route of restraining their anger. And one good example of this is how that person behaves with their boss, or someone in power, or the police officer that stopped them when they were giving them a ticket. I'm sure that that made this individual, you know, feel pretty angry inside. But that person who just got stopped by the police officer, even if he or she has an anger problem, he will not start throwing things at the police officer, he will not probably start, you know, swearing at the police officer or yelling at the police officer. And there's a reason why he's the same person who is unable to control his anger at home, he is the same person who's unable
to control his anger with his family, or her anger with his fat with her family. But in this situation, he or she is controlling his or her anger. There's a reason for that. And the reason is, it isn't an option. It isn't acceptable. And and this is a principal that this is unacceptable. As a result, that person who just got stopped by the police and is in a very enraging situation, I'm getting a ticket, I'm going to have to pay hundreds of dollars, this is not a happy occasion. And yet I restrain my anger, I restrain my anger and I in I, I engage in that in that work that that is that is required to to hold down my anger, I don't throw things I don't swear, I don't scream, but I
am restraining my anger. And this proves that I have the ability to do so it proves that I can if I want to, I can if it's a situation where I feel that I need to. So what I am saying to you, if you are the victim of an anger management issue, then what you need to do is help that person by also making it unacceptable for it to happen to you, for it to happen to your family, that this behavior is not acceptable. And that you won't enable this person by accepting this behavior and being passive about it. But being very clear, in whatever way you need to that this needs to change. That is how you help that person to take the steps necessary to control his or her anger.
The next question that I received in the chat box says, brother and I, in turn to get angry, especially when he says hurtful things to my mom, I feel like I live in the vicious cycle of anger. Any suggestions?
You know, again, if the anger issue is in is in your own self, I think that two of the best ways to get at the root of anger are like we spoke about dealing with the need for control and dealing with the expectations. Now if you are, if that isn't the issue, if you're dealing now, with an actual situation, as this person indicated, of, of where you're, you're seeing someone being oppressed, or you're seeing someone be hurt or harmed. This is like we spoke that one of the Bennett one of the uses of anger, one of the reasons why we have this emotion is so that we can be driven to help those who are oppressed and to help those who are being harmed. And so in this case, you want to channel
your anger in a way that is that is that is actually effective that is actually fruitful. If you're if you're seeing something wrong happening in front of you or someone being abused or someone being mistreated. And your response is just to become you know, to blow up or to throw things or to scream and it that that you know way of channeling that anger is not going to be effective even to to help that person. So what you need to do is be able to channel it in a wise way and it needs to be in control. Anytime anger is out of control, then you need to realize that it's the anger who's in charge. You're no longer in control of your own self. And you never want to be in that situation.
There's a reason why
We're not allowed to, to to
take intoxicants. The reason we can't take intoxicants is because then, you know, if you drink or you're drunk or you're or you're high, you are no longer in control of your own self, you're no longer in control of your own behavior, you can no longer reason. And that reasoning and that ability to control our behavior is what makes us human. It's what makes us different than animals. Animals don't have that ability. And when we become in that, when we become that way, when we become unable to control our own selves, and able to reason, we become like animals, and we have to rise above that, that's our humanity, that we are the ones in control, we don't let it we don't let our
anger control us, we don't let our desires control us. And so it's very, very important. Because you know, Subhanallah, sometimes when someone is in the fit of anger, it's really as if they are impaired, as if they are high as if they are drunk, that people can be drunk with anger. And, and, and a lot of, when you look at the, the the types of horrific things that happen in that human beings do to each other, so much of it is driven by what it's driven by, by this emotion by this by anger, anger is eight can be very, very destructive. So I would advise you and myself, to really look internally, if we ourselves are dealing with this, with this disease of the heart, if we
ourselves are, are dealing with this problem, see it as a destructive force and understand it's like a fire that can burn us and those around us, nobody wants to burn themselves and their family, we need to be very keen and very, it needs to be a priority for us, that we don't burn ourselves and burn our family. So if we are struggling with this, with this issue of anger, it should be very important to us to find out how to control it. Anger, realize, again, anger is the cause of so much. So much pain, so much bloodshed, is his death is caused by anger, murder, I mean, people can the the level that that people can go to, and and the types of actions that people can can engage in, that
are driven by anger are horrific. So we should be very afraid of this. This, this fire of being it being out of control.
Again, you know, how you deal with the issue. If someone is being oppressed, or someone is saying hurtful things? It is, it is all about how you respond. It is all about how you're channeling that anger, even if that anger is for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. And there is such thing as anger for the sake of Allah, when we see someone doing something displeasing to Allah when we see the rights of Allah subhanaw taala not being fulfilled when we see someone being oppressed, that should make us angry, and that is anger for the sake of Allah, most of our anger, even when we claim that it's for the sake of Allah is really for the sake of our neffs and, and that's what we have to
really work on. Even though our anger may actually be for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala it should be channeled in the correct way in the way that is most pleasing to Allah. Because if it really is for Allah, then we need to channel it in the way that is pleasing to Him. And as the prophets I send them said, the one who is strong The one who is the most strong is the one who could control himself in the fit of anger, it has nothing to do with physical strength, you can lift all the weights in the world and still be the weakest person. Because true strength as the prophets I seldom taught us is in being able to control ourselves in the fit of anger, it is in being able to really, you know,
exemplify that humanity that I am in control of myself, myself, my neffs my desires, my anger are not in control of me.
So we are taking more questions on the chat box, and inshallah what what I will do now is go ahead and take a break and you guys can go ahead and keep putting your questions and your reflections in the chat box and we will return after this short break with your questions on anger management.
Santa Monica, this is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are taking your questions today on the topic of anger management and
We have a question in the chat box that says What does put en and Sunnah say about ways to control anger. And now there is a number of different advice that the prophets I send them has given us with regards to anger, one of them the prophets, I send them and told us that if we get angry, and we are standing that we should sit, and if we are sitting, then we should lay down. And by doing this by changing our position, basically, you know, changing the situation, changing the environment, changing your own state physically, will help to change your state, internally. Also, our Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim. Ouu Billahi min ash shaytaan ology, seeking refuge in Allah subhanaw
taala. From the shaitan a lot of anger is from the Shaitan a lot of anger is also from the neffs. So sometimes, for example, we find that Ramadan, we're still getting angry, right? This is from the our own self, our own knifes and our own attachments. And, and, you know, for example, the attachment to, to control to feeling that we need, we need control the own, sometimes it has to do with our ego. Again, this is all our own self, we can't just blame that on shake on. But shaitan also excites and ignites anger and makes it worse. And so we ask Allah Subhana Allah for refuge from the shaytani r with a Billahi min ash shaytaan regime. And another advice that were given by the prophet
sallallahu Sallam is to make will do that making will do also can can calm anger. And, and these are different ways that we can, once we get angry, we can we can address it. But but but what I also wanted to emphasize a lot of this and kind of devote a lot of this show two was was not just a cure, but prevention. As we know, prevention is better than cure. And so if we can prevent the anger from being ignited again and again and so intensely, then that's, that's easier than trying to cure it once it is ignited. So we've been speaking thus far about ways to prevent anger or to reduce anger in ourselves, such as you know, getting at the roots, root of anger by letting go of the need to
control every situation and the need to control every aspect of the situation. And secondly, by by managing our expectations, and not having these high, high expectations all the time, across the board, and from it from everyone. And by doing those two things alone, that will significantly reduce the amount of anger, the intensity of anger, and how often we're getting angry, if we accept that we are not the one in control and that Allah subhanaw taala is in control, we don't need to control every small aspect of the situation. And similarly, we don't have to have such high expectations in this life. And everything in it is by definition imperfect. If we expect it to be
perfect, well, guess what, we're always going to be upset, because it isn't perfect. And you're expecting something that isn't, and and so you're definitely going to be you know, consistently upset, angry or sad or disappointed. Another question that we got a number of people asking is when you are the one dealing again, you're the victim of the person with anger management issues, some people, some one person spoke about, about their parents, a parent, in fact, or a spouse? And when and they asked, they're asking, how do you, for example, make it clear that it's not acceptable. And then one person indicated that when they try to say it's not acceptable, the other person justifies
it, and it actually makes it worse and, and it makes them more angry. So to address that issue, when you're trying to address any important issue, the first rule is don't do it while a person's angry, that's that's just key, you don't try to tell a person while they're in the fit of anger, hey, you really shouldn't be angry right now. And, and everything you're because what that really does is it it actually has the opposite effect of putting fuel to fire. And it what it does is if someone is very upset, and if someone else is telling them in the fit of their anger, you have you know, You're being ridiculous, or you have no right to be angry, and this is not a big deal, you'll find that
that actually makes the person more angry. And the reason is that they're not feeling validated. And they're feeling like, you know, that it's you when you're upset about something you usually want validation. So I think that that's, you know, one is not saying that you need to validate anger and or validate the the way it's being expressed. In fact, I'm saying the opposite you should, you should not enable it. However, it isn't the time in order to discuss it, or to invalidate it or validate it. The best thing to do is to
Be quiet at that point, that while a person is their anger is out of control, the best thing to do is to not respond and to enter and to be quiet. If If you respond, or if you try to discuss at that point, it'll just tend to ignite the issue more, as the sister mentioned, or the brother mentioned. And so what we need to do is at that point, you, you know, you stay quiet, until the person calms down, maybe the next day, maybe, you you know, it's extremely important, one of the most important prerequisites of, of a successful conversation is finding the best time, you have to find an appropriate time when the person is not angry, and especially not when they're in the fit of anger,
when they're not too tired, when they're not too hungry, you know, find a good time where you can really sit down and talk about about this issue. And, and maybe find the best method. One thing that I have found in my experience is sometimes speaking, face to face is the best method. And sometimes it isn't, I found that sometimes writing is actually a sometimes a better method of expressing your your feelings. And in fact, there are books that gives you ways to express a negative emotions in such a way that it does not make the other person shut down and become defensive and angry. For example, there's a book called men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And this, although this is a
relationship book about men and women and marriage, however, there is a part of that book, which you can look up online, called the love letter. And this is basically a template, it's a template of how you can actually structure your words, how you can actually write your words down in such a way to express something that hurts you to express some negative emotion. But in such a way, that it does not make the other person defensive, it does not make the other person angry. And it's actually very effective, it's a very effective way of communicating negative emotions in order to, to actually have a positive response. And so I recommend something like that this this, again, the book is men
are from Mars, women are from Venus, it's by john gray. And in that book, there's something called the love letter, and it's actually something that you can use for it for anyone, it doesn't need to be a spouse, it's just called the love letter, but it's all it all it is, is it's a template, it's a structured template of how to communicate negative emotions, it can can be used for a colleague, it can be used for any anybody, it's, it's a really good way to give you direction in terms of how you express your feelings, because the way in which we communicate is key, it's key, we could, one person can say the same thing in one way. And the the person responds positively another person, you
know, you can say something actually to the same person. In fact, you can say it to that person in one way, and they respond positively say the exact same meaning, but in another way, and maybe with another tone, and maybe with a different sentence structure. And they respond completely opposite in a negative way. It's extremely important how we communicate these feelings. And when we communicate these feelings, picking an opportune time, not when they're in the fit of anger, not during the argument, but a time when, when when things are calm, and things are good, and then communicating it in the right way. Again, I recommend oftentimes, it actually may be better to write it down, versus
especially if you know that if it's a verbal conversation that the person will, will probably blow up or get very angry and start maybe attacking verbally attacking you, then then in that case, it may be best to write it down. And and to give it to the to that person, you know, you panelo we have so much technology now you can email it, you can text, you know, you don't we have ways of communicating now, which doesn't have to be so you know, sort of, you know where where the person can can feel defensive because you're not in their face, it's it gives them sort of a space to read what you have to say, and and not feel so attacked because you're not in their face, will allow the
item sometimes it's best in person and sometimes it isn't. So asking Allah subhanaw taala for help making the art Allah subhanaw taala asking Allah to, to help that person to help you to enable you to to deal with it in the best way and to enter it to help that person to to change this habit of theirs. It's it's a big problem that we have in our in our society and in our communities. And it's something we have to deal with. Because anger can be very, very destructive. It can cause so much so much harm to one
oneself and to one's family.
So more questions in the chat box.
Again, someone's saying when I try and tell her calmly that it is not an issue to get angry over, she simply disagrees and gets more angry and crazy, exactly. Like, like I was saying that when you, you don't pick the right time, because you're telling her that this is not an issue to get angry about while she's already angry, it's going to oftentimes make the person more angry. So just staying quiet is the best way while the person is angry, and then addressing it when the person comes down in the best time, and in the best way.
Again, the question of how do we let the person know it's not acceptable?
The issue with me is that being the daughter in law, I'm expected to do stuff in a specific way, I'm always so conscious as to what I'm doing right or wrong. And this may be also an issue of needing a sense of control, probably, you're, maybe you've become more conscious of what you're doing, because you've been criticized. And because of that, you need to feel that everything is going a certain way, or that you're not making a mistake, or, or that you're in control, because you don't want to consistently be criticized, I think, you know, addressing the issue, what is what is causing the anger to begin with. And I think that this, this is being led back to the, the feeling of being
criticized a lot or, or having a lot of expectations of you, if there's any way that you can address that with your husband or, or with your in laws, or have your husband address it with your in laws in a way that's constructive, then that would be great. If it's something that you cannot change, and it's something you just have to accept, then what we need to do is, is work on our own selves in terms of dealing with it in terms of being patient and, you know, asking Allah subhanaw taala, to enable us to be able to deal with it in a way that's most pleasing to Him and, and in a way of sn inshallah.
Someone says, I'm continuously asking a person to correct something, but he is doing it, I think maybe it's meant that he's not doing it, that makes me irritate, and I shout, and I don't like it, I want to control it, I'm failing, I'm failed. Secondly, when I see my close when acting irresponsible, every day, and he is not trying even to be responsible, I can't control my anger, what should I do?
The answer to begin with is let go, you can want something to be done a certain way, you can want someone to act a certain way. But that is very different than being dependent on it of being attached to it in the sense that it must happen. Or else you will, XYZ you will, you will be devastated or you will be very angry, or you will do this and that. And this is where we have to be able to not, we have to be able to let go of things. And when I say let go, I don't mean that you're not going to care about what this person is how this person is acting, you continue to care, and you continue to advise and you continue to to help them. But at the same time, if you're too attached to
it happening a certain way. Can you imagine what would have happened to the prophets, I send them if if he you know if he just was so dependent on his uncle becoming Muslim. Of course, he wanted his uncle to be Muslim, of course, he wanted his uncle to say that, you know, had Lola on his deathbed. But he didn't. And of course, it caused sadness, it did cause the prophets I send them of course, it felt sad about this. But it wasn't something that he was his his mission, his life, his his, his sanity, was not dependent on it. And so although it made him sad, he was able to continue what he needed to do and to and to take it in a way where it didn't change his his state, internally in the
sense of making him angry, or making him give up. But you see, so this is the balance we have to have, where we don't need, you know, the prophets I sell them was not someone who had the need for control, right? He, he wasn't this type of person. And so there was some who would believe in him and some who would not. And although he loved them, and he wanted for them to believe he didn't need that sense of control. But if you look at another leader who needs that sense of control, as soon as that person feels that they don't have that sense of control, maybe people aren't listening to them. Or maybe people are not doing things exactly in the way that they're ordering those things to be
done or that they want those things to be done. They can't handle it. They get very, very upset, very, very angry, and maybe there's huge consequences for that. And that's because that there is that very strong need for control. There's that very strong
attachment to feeling that I say something it needs to be done in this way. And that's really the root of the problem. If you're worried about this person, continue to advise continue to, to make. But the the idea that, that it's going to make you so angry, sometimes the real root of that is, is my own ego, I'm saying something and it's not being listened to, I'm saying something and, and, and this person is not respecting what I'm saying. So it actually becomes more of a concern of my own self and my own ego than it is what is actually happening to that person. So those are just some things to think about in that regard.
Someone says, what can we do about a brother in late 20s, who takes out anger physically on mom, when things don't go his way, he pulls my mom's hair till her hair comes out. And yesterday, he broke down two doors in the house suggestions, help, I would say that this is something that probably needs professional help. This is very, you know, this is a very serious, destructive, sort of,
lack of, of anger management. And I would say that, if it's if it's coming to a point where he's actually physically hurting your own mother, and breaking things, I would say that it's it's extremely important that you that you do receive professional help for that, and it may be caused by some sort of issue that that he has, whether it's bipolar or, or other issues, that that sometimes can cause this type of very extreme behavior. But it is important that you that you probably receive professional help for that, and May Allah subhanaw, taala, make it easy on you and your family.
You know, for cases where perhaps it may not be a medical issue, but but maybe the child is treating the mother, you know, acting out when he's angry, or when she's angry, it's very important that the mother does not enable this behavior, the mother has to put her foot down and not allow this this to happen. Sometimes mothers because of their care for their child, you know, they kind of they don't want to say anything, or Oh, they were just angry, you know, and they kind of let it go. But when you do that, you're hurting your child because you're not, you're not, you're not stopping this behavior. And this behavior is destructive, first and foremost, to that child. This is what we have
to really take home from this from this discussion in sha Allah, and that is anger. It's going to burn you first anger, the you know, there's the saying that says that you are not punished for your anger, you are punished by your anger. So the first person who really suffers from this anger problem is one's own self. It burns. It's like a fire inside of you. And so you're the first person who burns and then it spreads to others but you're the one who suffers most. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to make it easy for us to control our anger and to be among those people who the prophets I send them said are the strongest of people are quitting holy Heather was stuck for too long. He
would come in no phone Rahim. Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh