Channel: Yasmin Mogahed
Yasmin Mogahed & Yaser Birjas |Q&A| A Look in the Mirror | 16th MAS-ICNA Convention
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First question we have is when I feel like my friends are taking me down the wrong road, how do I stand firm and telling them how I feel while maintaining our friendship?
If I asked you guys this question yourself, what would you do? What is your what would you do in this situation?
Anyone has a practical solution for this?
What would you do?
So if you approach them, and they don't understand you, they shouldn't be friends. Right? So when you decide to do what is not might be the right person for me, what does that exactly mean? Something that young young guys and girls, for example, don't really have yet as part of their skills is sort of their priorities, right? We're still influenced by the emotions, which means you have still my friends, I'm gonna do everything to maintain the relationship for them regardless. But as we grow older, we start using rationales in order for us to curb some of these emotional urges. So without realizing, okay, so not everybody is actually worth keeping as a friend. But it takes a
while until we get there. So those are their 20s, a man better than making the decision on cutting friends out of the circles. Now, those are young sons, but one of the thing that people need to understand is that when it comes to the subject of friendship, you need to soldier for editor's rights as well. And if you're not this person is taking you where your goals are, then it's worth it. If not, then you're gonna have to make some adjustments doesn't mean that you cut them off completely. But you're going to start downsizing the relationship with them slowly,
slowly and gradually, and you see if this would result and then doing better, or maybe start understanding your values as well, then in this case, you you keep them around in a shallow to improve the relationship with otherwise.
Do you feel like you want to help someone in a friendship, but you're scared that they might bring you down? When do you know when to pull back? If you should help? But what if they? What if your face gets impacted, and you try and help somebody else?
So this is a bit of a tough question. But I think that involves
self awareness, you have to be able to be self aware, and be able to look at your own self and see how you're being affected. This, this involves something called requests about being able to hold yourself accountable. And this is a process that you can't do. If you're as shaky. As I said, always distracted with with devices, there has to be time when you're introspecting. Looking internally and seeing how you're being affected. So be be someone who's introspective who's watching how you're being affected. Try to help others Yes, the best thing you can do for someone is to make the offer them that's first and foremost. And then when you give Dawa or when you give merci ha these are all
key words, right? Let me just in a second, just talk about the last part. But when you do that, also be conscious of the effect that that is on you, you know from that relationship? Now, in terms of naseeha itself, it's I know a lot of people have this, maybe a bad taste in their mouth from this word. And we'll see how, probably because a lot of times people give no see how this advice or not in a very proper way. And people oftentimes feel judged or like the other person's being self righteous or looking down on them. So just a couple tips about giving advice. The first thing is that when you're giving someone advice, make sure that it's coming from a place of compassion and
concern, not from a place of arrogance, or self righteousness. Don't ever, you know, before, when you're giving someone advice, make sure that you also bring to light your own weaknesses. This is important, and I'll tell you why. It's important because it humbles you. It's not intended to stop you from giving advice because sometimes people think, Well, I'm not perfect either. So I'll just leave them. Well, that's like seeing someone running off of a cliff and saying, Well, I'm not perfect either. You know, I'm not going to try to do anything to stop them from hurting themselves. No, you stop someone from jumping off a cliff out of compassion. Right not of arrogance. And so it
just has to be a different place that you're coming from. You're coming from a place of compassion and and love and concern not I'm better than you know. So it really has to do with changing your the state that you're in, you're the place you're coming from. So by keeping in mind your own weaknesses, it humbles you and by
That way people can sense that people can sense when the advice is coming from, from from concern versus arrogance. When someone thinks they're better than you, you feel it. Right. And when someone genuinely cares about you, you feel it. So these are things that that are that are felt. And that's how you're going to be more effective in your naziha is if you're coming from sincerity and compassion, rather than from from arrogance. And then secondly, when you're giving those to make sure that you're being grateful for your own protection. Let me just explain that you're up. If you see someone committing a sin, and you're not committing that same sin, let me just remind you,
you're committing a difference in because you're human, right? But say you're not committing that same sin. Do you know why you're not committing the same sin? It's not because you're awesome. It's not because you're just better is because a love project you do. And so there should be a sense of gratitude, not a sense of areas.
To add something else to when you want to give them a say honey afraid that they might put you down, instead of you know, you bring them back, supposed to be one thing I learned, a lot of counseling and so on, is that one thing very important to understand is that don't become the physical solution to someone else's emotional crisis, which means don't get out of your way to help people in a way that might be dangerous for you. So what we'll do in this case, you don't need to be the one who provide the solution. No, you need to be the resource, the one that connects the person to the right resource. So for example, if someone needs, let's say, counseling, serious Counseling Center to
come, so you don't have to be the one who gives them counseling. If it's something to do with drugs, for example, then you're gonna have to tell them to go to somewhere where they can find reduce yourself on this issue, wherever that is,
you don't have to want to be the one who gives the solution. But you can be the friend who's resourceful enough to guide them where they can find help. Michelle, hold on a
second look at the next one is about actually there was a couple about this. What do you do when you have a friend that seems to always be negative? How do you help them? And how do you prevent their negativity from impacting, you know, so? So what if you have a negative friend? What do you do with that friend, I
replaced them with another one. No, but why is why why negative friends are so negative. And if you look deep into the inside of their behavior, they're doing it because probably they're not as outgoing as you are not as friendly as you are. And as a result, it's harder for them to climb up to meet you up there. So instead, it's easier for you to go with gravity, so they try to pull you down,
it's easier to pull you down, then go and talk to your club. And that's why when someone is always negative, they're trying to hide their weakness of not being able to work hard to get to the level of friendliness that you are there because of, again, personality issue, skills, whatever you want to call it, it depends. So if someone is constantly and continuously keep pushing you down and putting you down, they're trying to put control over your behavior and that sort of way. So therefore, f at some point, you need to be frank with them to let them know that hey, listen, I don't like I don't appreciate really your criticism.
If you don't like what I do, I appreciate that they don't have to bet to be negative on me and if they insist and all of a sudden to be negative because they're your friends. Let them know I don't appreciate that. Remember what I said about if someone says something wrong to you, what do you do? What do you say to them? Remember what you said? No? learn to say no even to your friends it's good for them and for you.
Okay, last one. Unfortunately there's a lot of questions and not a lot of time but until our speakers are going to be here for the next couple days right maybe so if you guys try to hold on to your questions if you see them I'm sorry that I can't get through all of them. I'm trying to group them to the best of my ability went all the last ones for today's session will be how does one choose a friend that will guide them on the right path in an era where individuals are forgetting their Islamic morals and practice practicing Islam is like committing a crime.
Okay, I'm gonna actually leave that for suggested to the comment on but to say one thing? That's a deep question. I like the way that was that was said, was very honest.
One thing I will say just shortly before I hand it to shake, yes, it is. I truly, truly believe in the power of the law. And in my in my own life.
The very blessed people that were brought into my life came from Allah subhanaw taala through so I highly, highly advise people to ask Allah for this. This is actually something that prophets used to ask for. Well, how can he be slaughtering Ibrahim Ali Salaam is the friend of Allah. And he's asking Allah to join him with the righteous. That's one of the doors
In the Quran on the tongue of of one of the most beloved to Allah palatinus. This we should follow in this tradition of asking Allah for righteous company in this life and the next.
it's a tough question. The question is why? Why is it today people don't mind to associate themselves with Islamic values Anyway, why don't even young Muslims today why they want to leave Islam as an identity and culture. I have a whole session coming tomorrow shall on the subject specific the subject of atheism, why we have a lot of young men and women leaving Islam, if not fully and completely, at least partially. Like they want to be attached to Islam by name, but not necessarily by practice. We didn't discuss that tomorrow shallow down. And today at three o'clock on speak, and also Dakota sarada on the subject of modernity and sacred texts. as Muslims, we believe
in something because a lot of these are fixed matters that we don't really fluctuate, we don't change our belief system that there is for Anderson, there is a way that revelation from Allah subhana wa Tada, which is like the anchor, this is the what we call the first principle that is way beyond rational and irrational. It's a super rational thing that you need to believe in, regardless of the circumstances we're going to talk about, more later charlatan. But I've seen it at least from practicing, you know, the concept with the youth. Why is the exactly they don't want to associate themselves with Islam. One thing I because I grew up in the 1980s and 1990s, what Islam at the time
used to be something like super cool, right? Today, it's not cool to be a Muslim anymore.
Actually, because we live in a culture of extreme again, individualism, where everybody's looking after their own personal interest and pleasure and identity and so on. So today to associate yourself with Islam as an identity, it's not cool. It's not fun. It's not nothing to be proud of. And unfortunately, all of this because of the image of Islam and Muslims in the society and in the media.
Back in the 1980s, and 90s. When I grew up as a teenager, back to those days, it was the coolest thing to me, because being a Muslim and being a youth in the masjid, you're very trustworthy person. You're wonderful. You're very helpful, your press and all the good qualities you can think of it used to be back then. So before they will push that case, why don't you become like so and so? Because they are in the mess, because they are very good, very good kids. That's how it used to be today has changed, unfortunately. But more than a dozen Shall we discuss Manila and the text to the other two sessions when
it goes back again, to us as Muslim that the solution is not an individual solutions a community really it's changing the culture of Muslims to be proud of who they are, why they should be practicing and not compromise their values below.
Does that mean okay and one more round of applause for both of our speakers.