Yasir Qadhi – Toxic Masculinity
AI: Summary ©
The Quran's distinction between healthy and toxicbound sexuality is discussed, including the use of "has been" in parables to signal prioritization of worship over one's wealth and fame. The concept of toxic appetite is also discussed, including the use of "has been" in parables to signal prioritization of worship over one's wealth and fame. The importance of finding safe comfort zones and balancing roles is emphasized, and conflict resolution is discussed as a way to overcome toxic behavior.AI: Transcript ©
We wanna begin by saying the Quran
makes a distinction between
zakar and rajul,
between being a male and being a man.
And this is the key point between healthy
masculinity
versus toxic masculinity.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
mentions there's something called biological
male.
Allah says that,
for every species we created into 2. And
Allah says in the Quran
that, We created you the male and the
female.
So the 2 genders
is very clear, and Allah made us either
XX or XY. We are either 1 gender
or the other gender, male or female.
And generally speaking, the Quran does not praise
being
a male.
Being a male is a circumstance of birth.
But there are verses in the Quran that
praise masculinity,
praise being a rajul.
So
not every male
is a man.
Not every male
lives up to being a praiseworthy,
masculine man.
So we in Islam
firmly believe, in contrast to much of modern
culture,
that there is something called healthy masculinity.
There is no question about it. So before
we get to toxic masculinity,
let us look at the Quran
and derive from the Quran what the Quran
describes as positive
masculinity,
healthy masculinity.
And there are many verses in the Quran.
And without a doubt these verses are meant
to praise something that is obviously beyond the
biological
circumstance of being
born into 1 gender because you didn't choose
which gender you're born in. You cannot be
praised for something that you're not in control
of. So when Allah praises something, Allah is
praising
that which
a particular person has chosen to do. When
a person
born a male
starts acting like a man,
then Allah praises those manly characteristics.
So what is praiseworthy
masculinity
in the Quran?
So an example of where Allah praises masculinity
in the Quran
is Surah Yusuf, when Allah says, wama'arsallamankabblika
illa rijalannuhiilayhim.
Every Prophet We sent before you
was of the rijal.
They displayed masculinity.
Right? Now by the way, there's a theological
controversy, have there been any female prophets or
not?
And we're not gonna go there. There's 1
scholar that said there's 1 female prophetess, Mariam
alayhis salaam. And even if you say there
was
the the default of prophets, they have been
men, obviously. Even if you say that Mariam
was a prophetess, the default is that Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala chose men to be prophets.
And Allah is praising this by saying that
every prophet before you acted like a man
should act. Every prophet
displayed masculine traits. Every Prophet was a rajul.
Every Prophet had what it means to be
a rajul. And in the famous
conversation of Surat Al Kahf, when the 2
people are arguing,
1 of them says,
How can
you reject Allah when He blessed you? He
gave you all of this and He made
you into this masculine
characteristics. Allah blessed you to be a rajul.
And how can you reject Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala? So Allah is praising the fact when
a person acts like a rojul, this is
something that is praiseworthy. What are some of
these characteristics that Allah praises? Notice, number 1,
Allah praises,
Of
the believers are men
who have fulfilled
what they promised Allah they would do.
What did they promise Allah to do? To
defend the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam to
death, to defend Islam even if their lives
were lost.
And Allah praises the martyrs of Badr al
Uhud, Allah praises the martyrs of khandaq, and
Allah says
rijalun
sadaquma ahadawallahuallai.
There are those, they made a promise to
Allah and they acted like a man to
fulfill that promise. And some of them even
passed away and became shuhada when they fulfill
that promise. So
the first characteristic in our list today, and
I'm just quoting all the verses not necessarily
in their tarteeb and ura, I'm just quoting
them. The first characteristic
is
bravery
to the point of losing one's life in
the defense of one's family, and faith, and
religion.
The first characteristic of being a man is
sujaa,
courage,
is to fulfill
your
promise to protect.
I promise to protect, I will protect you
to the end. This is what Allah is
praising.
Of the believers are real men.
They made a promise,
they made a commitment, they said they would
fight to death and they fought to death
and Allah praised them for that commitment.
This is 1 aspect of
positive masculinity.
Another that the Quran mentions
that in Surat At Tawbah, Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala says, lamastjudunusi
salataqwa
minawwal
yawmin ahaqqoo and taqoomafi
That as you know there was a controversy
amongst the munafiqun
who created another masjid and the prophet wasallam
was forbidden to pray in that masjid. And
the prophet wasallam was said,
it was told in the Quran, if you're
gonna pray, then pray in Masjid Quba. Don't
pray over there. If you're gonna pray another
another Masjid other than your masjid, then go
to Masjid Quba. And Allah
says
what's going here? That masjid
that was built from its first day upon
taqwa.
Something's wrong with this. Where's our AV guy?
No, no, this is the better 1. Where's
our AV guy?
Not here.
No, no, the AV guy. Okay khair, when
they come. It's not the battery. Interesting, little.
That masjid that was built upon taqwa, Allah
says, fihiri jalun
In that masjid
are men.
Masjid Al Quba,
there are men, feehirijal,
You RasulAllah
don't go to the other masjid,
that masjid
they might be
males, but they're not men.
You should go to the masjid of men.
So why is the masjid of the munafiqun
criticize the implication
they're not masculine? You're not worthy to go
there. You should go to the masjid of
real men.
So what was the other group doing?
Hypocrites,
conniving,
lying,
double crossing,
right? You're not acting like a man, you're
not a gentleman,
this is not what you're supposed to be
doing.
And as for the people of Quba, they
were gentlemen, they were fulfilling their covenants,
they were worshiping Allah, they were constant in
their prayer. So Allah said, in Masjid Quba
they are the real men.
Not this masjid, the munafiqoon,
that are lying, double crossing,
playing games, playing drama. They're not acting like
a gentleman should act. So Allah talks about
akhlaq,
real akhlaq.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala criticizes
those that are double faced as saying, you're
not acting like a man. That's not how
a man asks, acts. That on the 1
hand you pretend as if you're friendly as
the munafiqun pretended. Right? And on the other
hand you go and backstab. That's not gentlemen.
The people of Quba, they are the real
men. The people of Quba are, and then
Allah mentions there are also people
who fihirijaru
yuhibuna anya tataharu.
There are people who love to purify themselves
before coming to pray. This is an interesting
characteristic of a man. Allah says
basically,
the men are those who are following the
sharia down to the smallest detail.
They're making sure they do wudu properly because
the people of Quba were praised
for doing wudu every time they come to
the masjid. Even if they had wudu, they
would do wudu.
So they're demonstrating
piety
to the small issues.
And Allah says this is manhood,
that you are
lowering yourself for the sake of Allah, following
the most minute details for the sake of
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. Notice by the way,
I'm jumping the gun here, In all of
these verses,
real manhood
is not being contrasted with women,
is being contrasted with men who don't live
up to real manhood.
A real man is not competing against a
woman.
That's where toxic masculinity comes. There is no
competition.
If you feel you're so threatened as a
man that you have to compete against a
woman, well then I'm sorry you've lost the
plot.
That's where toxic masculinity
comes. Notice all these verses. The competition is
against losers amongst the men.
The competition
is amongst those who are born male,
but they're not living up to the positive
characteristics of masculinity.
That's your competition.
You see, sisters and brothers,
there is no war between the genders as
feminists want you to believe. We don't believe
there is 1. The sharia doesn't posit 1.
There is no war. There is no battle.
We're on the same team. The problem comes
amongst men and women when you start positing
the battle.
The problem comes when you take each other
as the competition, then as they say all
* breaks loose. Sorry to be blunt here.
That's the reality.
Once you start wanting to compete
on the genders,
you've lost the plot. The Quran
never brings up rujula
as a category distinct to unootha,
distinct to femininity. There is no competition there.
Yes, male and female, that's the distinction that's
biological
at birth. Male and female, you didn't choose
that, and each 1 is equal in the
Quran. But rujula
as a praiseworthy characteristic
is not used
contradistinction
to Unutha, in contradistinction
to femininity.
There is no competition.
It is used as a distinct category of
males
who
are exemplifying
positive
masculine traits. Is that clear?
Another example in the Quran, Surat Anur, Surat
Anur.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says,
And without a doubt,
Allah is using the term rijal
the same way that we would say in
English to 1 another, be a man.
How we say that? Be a man. That's
literally what Allah is saying. These are men.
There is positive masculinity.
Read the Quran Allah's praising Rujula. But again,
be a man, not against a woman. Be
a man a'e. When Allah made you a
male, live up to the characteristics
that make masculinity positive.
This is what is being right now. I
forgot to translate. What is Surat An Nur
saying?
To to rehash, because I don't want to
go over the whole tafsir,
that
men are those
who are always
coming to the masjid,
and leaving their businesses
when it's time to pray,
and preferring the prayer of Allah and the
dhikr of Allah
when it's time to pray over their businesses.
And then Allah says and they fear none
except Allah.
Men
fear none but Allah,
this is masculinity.
By explicit
testimony of the Quran.
You want to be a man?
1st and foremost
this ayah,
prioritize the worship of Allah over your wealth
and fame.
Prioritize the dhikr of Allah.
You said,
They're
mentioning Allah morning and night. You zikr, Youdkurun
alguduwal Asal.
And
laatulihim tijaratumwala
bay'un. Their tijara,
their businesses, their 9 to 5 jobs, don't
stop them from doing zikr of Allah. Don't
stop them from worshiping Allah and establishing the
prayer.
And they fear none except Allah.
And again, there's nothing to do with women
in this ayah, absolutely nothing. It's not against
women. Women can also make dhikr. Women can
also go to the masjid. Has nothing to
do with women. It's to do with men
who prefer their businesses over the masjid. Those
aren't real men. With men who are cowards,
those aren't real men. With men who are
not doing dhikr, Allah is saying that's not
being a man the way I want you
to be a man.
So the Quran
explicitly says masculinity
over here has to do with
a sense of bravery.
You're not scared of anyone or anything.
You're not scared of any being other than
Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala. And 1 other verse we'll mention,
and then I'll mention 5 points because I
know time is limited. I'll mention 5 points
of toxic masculinity specifically. What is toxic masculinity?
Another verse that praises manhood,
wajaaarajulummin
aqosalmadinatiya'sa.
A man came running from the other side
of town.
Allah calls him a man.
A man came running.
And in the other verse, wajaaamin aksmati rajulunyaasa'
Same thing. The 1 of them is the
Musa story and the other is Surah Yaseen
story.
Wajaamin aqsalmadeenati
rajulun nasaa. Waja arajulunin aqsalmadeen yasa. The same
concept is there, and Allah calls the both
of them men. A man came.
In both of these stories,
what characterizes
that man?
Bravery.
To stand up against his people,
to
stand up for the truth
at great cost.
So much so that when in Surah Yaseen,
he's killed,
and Allah calls him a man.
That's that man
who enters Jannah. Why does he enter Jannah?
Because in his bravery,
he stood up and he spoke the truth.
And he said to the people, I'm at
I'm telling you to follow the prophets. I'm
telling you they're speaking the truth. He was
a nobleman
of his own town.
He was of the elite of his own
town.
And the townspeople
felt betrayed
when 1 of their leaders
says follow the prophets of Allah. And they
started ganging up on him, and they started
beating him up until they ended up killing
him, and Allah called him a man.
Once again, not in contrast to a woman,
in contrast to cowards amongst the male
gender,
In contrast to those who know the truth
but don't speak the truth.
They're scared.
So notice here, in all of these verses,
sorry to be blunt here,
number 1 there's no there's no notion of
going to the gym and having big biceps,
not a single ayah or hadith
about
masculinity being 2 hours at the gym. Not
that going to the gym is wrong, don't
get me wrong here.
There's no question physical strength is overall positive,
don't misunderstand me.
But
fact of the matter,
toxic masculinity
prioritizes
physical strength, whereas the Quran is exclusive about
spiritual strength.
Just being factual here.
Toxic masculinity
is obsessed
with
the physical.
Obsessed to the point of it becoming a
fetish,
to the point of becoming
narcissistic actually, aoodhubillah.
All they're worried about is that muscular chiseled
out, going to the gym, eating their, you
know, protein shakes, whatever it might be. All
they wanna do. And the Quran never mentions
protein shakes.
The Quran mentions praying regularly in the masjid.
Oh man, if you cannot wake up and
pray fajr in the masjid, you're not a
man. It's as simple as that. You can
go to the gym 10 hours a day.
If in your heart you're scared of the
cancel culture,
you're scared of what people will say by
the testimony of the Quran, your biceps can
be, I don't know, 40 inches whatever it
is, you are not a man.
Real men
are not worried
about the gossip of society.
They're not worried about kila wakaal.
They're not worried about the cancel culture.
Real men only fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
And in order to do that, you don't
need biceps,
you need strength of the qalb.
That's what masculinity is.
So the Quran is clearly praising
Rujula.
And as I explained,
Rujula
is not the chromosomes.
Rojula
is not in contradistinction
to being female.
There is no competition.
Rojula is
finding
what characteristics
Allah has generally
given more of within 1 gender, and then
maximizing it to perfection.
That's what rujula is.
That's what rujula is. Now,
what then
is toxic masculinity? Now obviously this is a
modern term,
and the Quran doesn't have toxic masculinity,
but 1 could derive, there's something called
toxic masculinity from the sunnah. 1 could derive
it. And again, this derivation,
I understand it raises eyebrows and whatever. I
mean, it is what it is.
Much can be said. Time is always limited.
And, anyway,
is it okay and permissible to
find
references to modern notions in classical
understandings of the Quran and Sunnah.
I'm of those who's open to this idea.
What's wrong with that? But obviously, the conservatives
find that to be very problematic and they
don't wanna they don't wanna rethink through the
past. That's fine. That's on them. But in
my humble opinion, you can find
a understanding of toxic masculinity that is blameworthy
in the seerah, in the
sunnah.
And that is in the famous incident.
Sahih Bukhari mentions it, that
a group of women complained to the prophet
sallallahu alaihi Wasallam that their husbands had abused
them,
physically abused them.
And so they complained, they lined up outside
the house of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
and they're complaining that you need to do
something Arasulullah.
Our husbands are physically abusing us.
And the prophet shalallahu alaihi wa sallam called
the people of Madinah, he gave a khutba,
not on jum'ah, he gave a special khutba.
And he said
in this morning today,
a number of ladies came
complaining that their husbands
abused them.
Then what did he say?
These are not the best of your men.
To me, this is an example of toxic
masculinity.
He's criticizing
something that a man should not do.
These are not the best of your men.
You
Shouldn't be doing this. It's not praiseworthy.
Using your physical strength in this manner, that's
not being a man. And that said, like
we're saying, that's not being a man. It's
literally that tone. It's like these aren't the
best of your men.
To me this is an example of toxic
masculinity
where 1 finds that, yeah, there are things
you can do as a man
that some might consider manly,
but they're not Islamically
positive
masculinity.
So what are some examples that come to
mind? And again, this is just a tentative
list and maybe in the q and a
or discussion we can do, more. So III
was thinking about this for a while. Obviously,
this topic that a lot of us are
involved in because of the zeitgeist of the
time. But, kher, So 1 of the things
that I think is an example of of
toxic masculinity
is
power dynamics and control.
Toxic masculinity
is obsessed with dominance.
It wants to control
the feminine, control the female,
control the wife and daughter, and it promotes
the idea that a man should be
aggressive in that notion of control.
And in my humble opinion,
the Quran and the Sira
is not about
control,
it is about leadership through respect and collaboration.
There's no question leadership. For those who attended
yesterday, I don't wanna go over that whole
talk I gave at INT.
I don't wanna go over that whole talk.
Please don't go. Yeah. Don't go over that
whole talk. So
I just summarize some aspects of that. We
can do that. But without a doubt,
the Quran
talks about
male leadership
in a marriage. There's no question about this.
Leadership
is not the same as *.
Leadership is not the same as being bossy.
So the Quran is talking about healthy masculinity
and the Sira teaches us that leadership comes
not by raising your voice and screaming and
shouting, but by earning the respect of your
wife.
Your wife
genuinely respects you and gives you that authority
because you have earned it
by virtue of the fact you are acting
the way a husband should act.
Yes, you're still the leader. No question about
it. That's what the Quran. I'm not mincing
my words here. 2 people can't drive the
same boat. 2 people can't drive the same
ship. 2 people can't steer the same car.
There's no question the Quran has.
But that daraja and that kiwama
is not done
by flexing your physical muscles in the face
of your wife. What type of leadership is
that? It has to come genuinely. And we
know this from the corporations that we all
know.
Genuine leadership that works is a leadership that
the people respect, not a leadership that they
despise and hate, not a leadership that is
threatening to fire every worker. When you respect
your boss, when you respect the company CEO,
when you respect the ethos, you will give
your full, and the whole company will flourish.
And when that respect isn't there, you're just
waiting to leave, that company is not going
to flourish. So toxic masculinity versus
Islamic healthy masculinity.
The second point
about toxic masculinity, I would say, is the
overall
rigidity
when it comes to gender roles.
That toxic masculinity
wants to
be super strict according to
the letter of the law that they have
read.
And whatever they think a man should do,
even down to the minutiae of the lists
of what a man or woman should do,
they wish to enforce in their personal lives.
Whereas healthy masculinity
is flexible
in understanding
gender roles, acknowledging that at times a man
can be a caregiver to the children. At
times a man can also do the chores
of the household. At times a man can
also do whatever is typically what the woman
does. It's not gonna hurt your manhood. But
a toxic
masculine trait, I'm never gonna do the dishes.
I'm never gonna take care of the kids.
I'm never gonna do this and that. As
if you have to prove
some list you made in your head.
So toxic masculinity
is obsessed with the rigidity of gender roles.
Whereas real human beings understand
sometimes we have to swap roles, not a
problem. It doesn't hurt my manhood if I
have to do what generally my wife does.
And once in a while, if I'm sick
or whatever, if my wife has to do
what I have to do, no problem. It
doesn't hurt my manhood in this regard. So
understanding
the human reality
of lived experience
rather than wanting to enforce a strict notion
of what it means of gender roles. We
talked about gender roles yesterday as well, so
we don't don't wanna go there. But I
think this is another example of toxic versus
healthy masculinity.
There's no question
You can swap a few hours, a few
days. It's not gonna hurt my manhood to
do so. You can swap a few hours,
a few days. It's not gonna hurt my
manhood to do so. But to be obsessed,
I'm never gonna, it's not yet. That's your
job to do. You're not gonna flourish in
this regard. That's not real masculinity.
And we find this in the seerah of
the prophet salallahu alaihi wa sallam. Without a
doubt, the default is that our mothers
were the caretakers.
Our mothers took charge of the home without
a doubt. Yet our prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam we all know that he would also
do his own chores. Nothing. There's no there's
no hurt to your manhood. He would stand
up and go milk the goat which was
considered a feminine task. He would stand up
and get water from he wouldn't just tell
his wife, oh give water to me from
he would go and get his own water.
Even though the cultural norms of the time
were that the woman serviced the husband. That's
the cultural norm. But again, it doesn't hurt
my manhood to be nice to my spouse.
Doesn't hurt my manhood to organically modify those
culture roles. So this is a second example
of toxic versus,
healthy masculinity. A third manifestation
and example
is
the false notion
of toxic masculinity
that men
should not display emotions,
that men should be stoic,
that men cannot have feelings,
cannot
be hurt,
cannot cry even,
and this
is patently false.
The Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam cried multiple
times in public,
multiple times.
His son is dying in his hand and
the tears are coming from his face salallahu
alayhi salallahu alayhi salallahu alayhi salallahu alayhi salallahu
alayhi you also cry?
Cause they hadn't usually seen him cry, right?
But I mean your son is dying in
your hand, you're not gonna cry?
I mean there's a problem if at that
stage you think your masculinity
prevents you from shedding tears, then you have
a serious problem. And that's what our prophet
sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said
that crying is Allah's mercy He has placed
in the hearts of his servants. If you
if your heart is that cold that you
need to prove your manhood and the other
example of Alakra comes when
the the the the chieftain came
and the prophet was throwing Hassan up in
the air and he was kissing Hassan, right?
And the chieftain in his harshness he goes
you pick your kids up and kiss them,
that's a feminine thing.
I have 10 children.
I have never once picked them up and
kissed them
because he needed to prove he's a man.
A man doesn't pick up the kids. A
man doesn't kiss children. That's a woman does
that.
And our prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said,
what can I do
if Allah has removed all compassion from your
heart?
You're that hard hearted, you're that arrogant,
that stuck up that you think being a
man means you can't show love to your
kids, can't play with your wife and children.
Then what can I do?
This is toxic masculinity. These are examples of
toxic masculinity
where you need to make a point. A
man doesn't do that.
What world are you living in?
Again, we see this in reality.
And now to be fair
and to be accurate,
please don't misunderstand me.
Generally speaking, and this is reality,
men have a higher level
of emotional tolerance than women.
And that's factually correct. We all know this,
even biologically, scientifically.
But to claim that men shouldn't have emotions
is what I'm talking about.
To claim that men should never display emotions,
men should never be vulnerable, men should never
cry, men should never show compassion.
This is what I'm talking about. I'm not
saying the 2 are the same. Clearly, they're
not the same, And there is hikmah in
this because 1 of the 2 genders needs
to be more logical and rational, and 1
of them needs to be more loving and
empathetic. And the 2 comes together, we're great
on a team. You need that team for
the children. You need 1 of them that's
more concerned about long term, even if it
means they have to go to sleep and
wake up and go to the work the
next day, and the other 1 spends the
whole night away because the the son or
daughter is in fever. You need that yin
and yang. You need that opposite to in
order for the team to flourish. So I'm
not saying, don't misquote me, that men and
women have the same
emotional,
makeup. Of course they don't. But what I
am saying, they're both emotional,
and to claim that the 1 is not
is toxic masculinity,
and to claim that men should never be
vulnerable, should never display emotion. No.
Agreed. And I'll say this bluntly,
The bar is generally higher for men. That's
very true. And there's nothing wrong with this,
and it doesn't make women lesser. As I
said, there's no competition. The problem comes when
you think there's competition.
We need our mothers to be more loving.
We need our wives to be more empathetic.
That's the reality. That's yin yin yang is
there. But to claim that men should never
display emotion, and to display emotion
is a sign of weakness. That is what
I'm saying is toxic masculinity.
It's okay
to
let loose and especially in front of your
wife to find that safe comfort zone with
your wife and spouse. Our prophet salallahu alayhi
wa sallam sees Jibreel and he's petrified.
Who does he go running home to? Not
Abu Talib who was his father figure,
not
ummit Talib, who is his mother figure, not
any of his cousins that he grew up
with. He goes running home to Khadija,
trembling,
so frightened, zamiluni, tathiruni.
And Khadija
hugs
him because every man here knows
you need the love of your wife when
you're most down,
and that comforts you like nobody else can
comfort you.
You need your wife to literally just hug
you and tell you I'm here. It's okay.
It's all gonna be good.
There's nothing
wrong with that.
And to presume there's something wrong with that
is toxic masculinity. Is that clear? Right?
Now how often does that happen? Once every
5, 10, 20 years in the sea, they're
like, yeah. Okay. Shouldn't happen every single time.
But every once in a while,
life gets tough and you need just cheering
up. Even in the battle and the
Hudaybiyah.
Right? When the prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam
saw none of the sahaba respond to his
call,
he couldn't let out in front of the
sahaba.
Because again, there is an element, the bar
is higher. So I am being blunt here.
The bar is higher amongst men. A real
man, without a doubt, on the default, the
bar is raised higher. But
you need safe space. So what does he
do? He goes
to Uma salama,
and he opens up to her,
and he confides in her, and she can
see the distress
and the pain,
vulnerability.
That pain, she can see it because a
man needs a woman,
and there's nothing wrong with lowering that guard
in front of your wife to find that
comfort, to find that wisdom.
Any man who thinks that's a problem,
without a doubt, that's toxic masculinity there.
Okay? So that's point number what?
What number is that?
Guys nobody's taking notes while I say,
it's all good.
Now we move to number 4 then.
Number 4,
a 4th point.
The mechanisms of conflict resolution.
I would say
this is an obvious
distinction between toxic masculinity
and healthy masculinity.
When conflict happens, how do you resolve it?
Toxic masculinity
is done
by flexing
the muscles
literally and metaphorically,
raising the voice,
giving
commands, expecting
blind obedience,
shouting,
threatening,
divorce, if you don't do this, ta da
da.
I challenge you to find 1 instance in
the seerah in which the prophet
said to his wives, If you don't do
this, I'm going to divorce you.
It's not what a man does.
Constantly threatening your wife with a divorce. What
type of marriage is gonna last like that?
What type of bravery is that?
Wallahi, it is the essence of cowardice, and
you are not a man if every time
an argument happens, you threaten your wife. If
you dare do this,
This is Pakistani drama. It's not real life.
And honestly our Pakistani dramas are big fitna
because they miseducate
about fiqh and about how a marriage should
be com complete disaster. Well, Well, anyway, that's
all different topic altogether.
What was I saying about Pakistani dramas? Q
and A.
We still have 5 minutes. No. No. I
will ask you about that. Okay.
I don't watch Pakistani dramas.
Then how do you know?
Somebody in my family does.
Used to. Right, Jacob? And it's like, I
just don't understand. It's always the same routine.
Line always the same thing over and over
again. Seriously, just anyway.
Okay. Enough of Pakistani dramas. We're always so
point number 4 was what?
Conflict resolution. How do you think a man,
a real man, resolves conflict?
Men,
how do you think a man should resolve
a conflict?
Tell me.
Communication.
Exactly.
Communication.
Talk.
Empathy.
Understanding.
Shura.
Don't threaten.
Raise your voice.
Give empty. What type of
you are the boss. If you have to
tell your employees, I am the boss, you've
lost your boss status.
You understand what I'm saying here? Any boss
that goes in and threatens the employees, I'm
your boss. I'm gonna fire you. All the
employees have lost their respect.
You don't need to mention you're the boss
if you're really the boss.
And without a doubt, a man is a
leader in a marriage. I'm not gonna mince
my words here. I don't care about political
correctness.
I believe in the Quran and I believe
in biology and I believe in genuine healthy
masculinity and femininity.
A man is the leader,
but if he needs to say he's the
leader, he's not a leader.
If he needs to constantly
flex that he's the leader, he's failed in
yeah. He's failed in being the leader. A
leader doesn't need to boast he's the leader.
A leader acts like 1. And when he
acts like 1, then those that should follow
understand, and they follow
because these earn the respect of those that
need to follow. So conflict resolution is done
from within, not from without. It is done
talking,
dialogue,
empathy.
That's healthy masculinity.
Because in the end of the day, your
wife is not your enemy. She's on your
team. She's on your team. You are 1
group.
If you need to take your wife as
an enemy, you've lost the entire marriage.
So
toxic masculinity
resolves conflicts
via aggressiveness,
via threats,
via raw displays of power.
And real men,
healthy men.
And that's why, again, the interesting incident of
the seerah.
It is funny. It is what it is.
Where Abu Bakr as Siddiq visited,
the house of Aisha radiallahu anha, his daughter,
when the prophet was there, and he heard
our mother
Aisha
raising her voice
loudly,
rebuking, getting angry,
and the prophet
is silent.
Right?
This is an awkward incident, but it's in
our books. I'm not inventing this up.
This is a real man.
I'm I'm sorry to be blunt here. This
is a real man.
What does he lose? Let's let your wife
get angry for whatever. We don't even know
the reason. It's not our business to know
the reason, by the way. But any married
couple, you know this. Sometimes your wife is
irritated for a legitimate reason.
Let her express some frustration.
You don't lose your manhood. You don't lose
your masculinity, and the process is silent.
Abu Bakr radiAllahu an loses the temper, and
he barges in. It's his daughter's house, and
he knows that it's his daughter. There's no
a'ura.
He barges in,
and he raises his hand
to smack his own daughter
and say, how dare you raise your voice
above the voice of Rasulullah Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam?
Are you not terrified? Allah will punish you
with an adab.
And as He raises his hand,
Aisha jumps up, she doesn't know what to
do, she runs behind the Prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam.
The same 1 she's screaming at, now she
runs behind him to protect. Right? And so
the prophet embraces himself up to physically protect
his wife when they're having an argument, and
now some physical pain will come,
this is what you call a man.
Brothers, you're listening to me. This is a
gentleman.
Between husband and wife, let it be. No
big deal.
But now, and this is not a threat,
but it's his own father, and he has
the right in that culture, he has the
right to discipline his daughter. I'm not gonna
sugarcoat it. Times were different back then. Okay?
Even when we were growing up, our parents
disciplined us, by the way. Right? Only now
in the last 15 years, in my generation
and in your generation, you know how the
world was back then. Only now our kids
are gonna call 911 because they've been taught
via Disney or whatnot. Otherwise, this was the
reality for 10000 years. No problem.
Parents discipline their kids. Okay. And in this
case Abu Bakr feels entitled. I'm gonna discipline
my daughter. How dare you do this? This
is not how you treat your husband. Right?
The father says to the daughter,
that's a different dynamics.
As for the husband,
Chuubchab, quiet.
No need to, because in the end of
the day, he is in charge, and he
doesn't need to prove it by raising his
voice. And this is wisdom, and this is
long term.
You see all of this taking place here.
Right? So anyway, point number 4. Last point
I'll mention before Assebai kicks me off the
stage.
Last point I'll mention
is what I'll call
perceptions
of strength, what it means to be strong.
How do toxic
masculine people
portray their strength, and how does healthy masculinity
portray their strength?
Toxic masculinity goes back to my point what
I that I said 20 minutes ago.
Toxic masculinity
is obsessed with physique
to the point of it becoming narcissistic.
Wallahi, it's a sickness.
The level that is rampant amongst your generation.
And again, please don't misquote me.
I'm not saying
being physically strong is unhealthy.
I am saying to be obsessed with the
physical
completely
and ignore the spiritual is not Islamic masculinity,
and that is the default of masculinity of
our times.
That's what I'm saying.
To be obsessed with physical
power, with dominance,
with a stoicism, with a veneer of I'm
not gonna have any, you know,
emotions.
Whereas
healthy masculinity
takes into account the physique and the physical
body is secondary.
That's not the main expression of masculinity.
It's about
genuine
confidence in yourself and your abilities and your
leadership.
It is in understanding the role Allah has
given you and accepting that role without needing
to shove it in other people's faces, but
in acting the part that Allah has given
you. Oh men, you are the qiwam in
the marriage. You don't need to prove it.
Allah has given you that right and biologically
men and women, wallahi, you don't have to
be a Muslim.
Biologically,
if a man acts like a man in
a relationship,
the woman as a default will act like
a woman, and the marriage is gonna flourish.
And women, if you act like a woman,
the default is you're gonna bring out the
positive characteristics of healthy masculinity.
This is the reality. Right? So I wanna
conclude on this point, and that is that
healthy masculinity
and healthy femininity
feed into each other in a positive synergy.
Healthy masculinity
and healthy femininity
are not at war with 1 another.
Rather,
the 2 of them come together
is the pinnacle
of beauty
and of love and of marriage, and of
relationship.
Toxic femininity
and toxic masculinity
are at war with each other,
And there is no peace between these 2.
And no marriage will ever flourish if these
2 characteristics are found.
And society
hurts when these 2 traits come out.
So we must be opposed
to the toxic strands
and embrace the positive
and
understand the strength of a man and the
strength of a woman
comes from totally different areas,
and the 2 of them are equally strong
in the eyes of Allah if they claim
what is rightfully theirs. When a woman acts
like a woman, a woman's ultimate power is
in her femininity,
not in her competing with masculine traits.
And if a woman
empowers herself through femininity,
then the strongest man becomes
her servant.
She will
literally
control
the man she wants,
not by competing
with his masculine characteristics,
but by showing her femininity.
And that every man here knows.
It's a secret we don't like to tell
the other side.
Every man here knows.
If a woman
really wanted to control your heart, the way
to do so is not gonna be like
acting like a man. There is no competition.
You're gonna lose love. You're gonna but if
a woman
genuinely captures your heart through her feminine charm,
her halal sehar. I call it halal sehar.
Right? If she were to do that,
no man can possibly
face that and not melt.
But the problem comes with femininity sorry, with
feminism.
Feminism has posited this war between men and
women, and feminism has claimed that a woman
needs to prove her value
in accordance with the parameters of being a
man.
And so once you change the parameters, how
much do you earn? How much is this?
How much is that? What is your education?
What is this and that? That's not how
a woman proves her worth vis a vis
a man. Again, don't misunderstand me. I'm
I'm not saying about careers and education. I'm
saying that's not competition.
We're not interested in that as competition.
Competition doesn't exist. We're on the same team.
If a woman acts like a woman, a
man acts like a man, the 2 will
come together in the most sweet and beloved
relationship,
and that is how a successful marriage takes
place.
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