Yasir Qadhi – Secrets to A Righteous Family
AI: Summary ©
The importance of trust and adoption in shaping children for personal growth and development is emphasized. It is also emphasized that children need to develop trust and confidence in their generation to achieve success and avoid jealousy. The speaker gives advice on avoiding assumptions and the tension between father and children, emphasizing the importance of learning from the story of the brothers of digital light, and avoiding jealousy within family. The speaker also emphasizes the need to be mindful of family members' actions and not to blame them for their actions, and to focus on oneself and avoid cutting off children from their parents.AI: Transcript ©
One of the most important questions that we
all get asked is
advice and tips about how to raise our
children in this land.
How do we do tarbia of our children?
How do we protect our children from the
influences around? And as I have said many
times that the Quran and sunnah did not
give us detailed specifications
because this is something that changes from time
to place to culture. But we find general
guidelines. We find broad principles. So today, insha'Allah,
we want to look at Surah Yusuf and
the story of Yusuf, because the story of
Yusuf and Surah Yusuf, it is all about
family dynamics. It's all about father and son
and siblings and drama and and and boycotting
and getting angry and doing things you shouldn't
do and reconciliation.
So today, we're gonna very quickly look at
Surah Yusuf and extract from Surah Yusuf
10 benefits,
10 tarabawi
or relationship benefits about family
relations.
How should we deal with family? And how,
especially
father son, or mother daughter, how should we
look at the benefits we can derive from
Surah Yusuf? And of course, many more can
be given, but we'll stick with 10 for
today. The first of these lessons from Surah
Yusuf,
we noticed throughout the entire story,
the
underlying sentiment of the strong love and the
bond
between
Yaqoob
and between all of his children.
There is an underlying
strong motif
that the family
is held together by love. And the father
is addressing his son, You boonay, and the
son is talking to the father, You abati.
And even when the other brothers do what
they do, the father does expel and boycott
them. There is an entire
sentiment
of love underpinning the family of Yaqub alayhi
salaam. And this shows us that one of
the most important
secret ingredients
to keep your family together is to demonstrate,
and to have, and to show that genuine
love. Empathy and love will gain you more
than strictness and harshness.
So the general rule, and of course, Allah
mentions in the Quran that when it comes
to families, when it comes to spouses, which
the family begins with, Allah is the one
who has put love and tenderness between you.
So even before there are children, there is
love and tenderness. So then what's gonna happen
after? The whole family should have Mawaddah and
Rahmah. So this is the first of the
10. The second lesson that we learn from,
the story of Yaqub and Yusuf alayhis salaam
is that Yusuf
feels such a relationship with Yaqub
that he can go to his father and
confide a secret.
He can go to his father and say,
You Abati, something happened. I want you to
know about it. And so we find in
here a relationship
that has trust in it. And that is
essential
if you want your children to be able
to grow up and practice Islam.
Your children must be able to come to
you
and tell you something that is troubling them,
something that is bothering them. Yeah. Yusuf saw
something. He didn't know what to do. In
our generation, many of that generation would go
to their friends, go to social media, go
to other people, but Yusuf went to his
father, which indicates what? He had a relationship
with his father
that could allow him to confide,
could allow him to open up and to
tell him the issues he's facing. And this
is a very, very key factor
in a healthy father son or mother daughter,
or even mother son or father daughter relationship.
There must be an openness and a trust,
and that is something that if you don't
have it with your son or daughter, then
imagine when they're in trouble, when an issue
happens,
they're not gonna come to you, who are
they gonna go to? So you have to
develop that type of relationship
that they're able to confide in you, like
Yusuf Yousef goes to his father and confides.
So this is the second point that we
learn. And of course, how you achieve that
trust, how you achieve that confidence,
that is something nobody can teach you, because
it changes from person to person. It changes
from father to son and mother to daughter,
but the point is you must put it
in your mind. You must develop
that your young son or daughter At this
stage, Yusuf is probably 8, 9 years old,
and
he is able to go to other people,
but he knows he can go to his
father. How did that trust come? You have
to put it in your mind that my
son or daughter should be able to confide
in me. Because when they don't confide in
you, the brothers of Yaqoob, the brothers of
Yusuf did not confide in Yaqoob. You see
what happens. When you're gonna go behind your
father's back, then you're in trouble. And it's
a general generally a dangerous path. But when
you come to your father or your mother,
and you have that strength and relationship,
then generally the parent will give you solid
advice. So this is second benefit we learn
from the story of Yusuf and Yaqoob. The
third benefit we learn, and this is obvious
and we all understand this, is that
the importance
of not giving your children an excuse
to be jealous of another child,
The importance of the parents
not practicing favoritism.
And this is a major problem in our
culture.
Major problem in the modern Muslim culture, that
the favorite child is known to the other
siblings.
In this story,
they knew Yusuf was favorite, but not because
of something tangible.
Simply, they could sense the emotion. You can't
control emotion. Right? But unfortunately,
in our culture, all too many families, they
demarcate this is the favorite one, and everybody
knows this is the favorite one, and all
of your attention, and all of your resources,
and all of your wealth and money, and
private tuition, and best university, the favorite one,
And then the other ones you neglect. And
subhanAllah,
children are looking for such an excuse, and
it's going to be harmful and detrimental.
Oh parents, you have to make sure that
outwardly,
there is nothing that can be detected. As
for inwardly, that's between you and Allah. But
outwardly, nothing should be able to be detected,
and especially
between sons and daughters.
Inheritance is something else. Gifts have to be
equal. Don't make qiyas of inheritance upon gifts.
If you give your son a $100 gift,
you should give your daughter a $100 gift
as well. Because equality in children
in the in this world has nothing to
do with inheritance. Inheritance is a different thing
altogether.
As for this world, then you have to
be equal. Now obviously, what you gift is
gonna be different. No problem. But the expensiveness,
the amount that you're gifting, there should be
a relative similar. Now obviously, another issue comes.
What if one of the child is 18
and the other is 7 years old? You
cannot give the same. Understandable.
But you have to put it in mind,
what I gave to the 18 year old.
When the 7 year old becomes 18, I
have to give something similar like that. So
you have to put this in mind, so
that there's no sense of, oh, so my
brother got this, my sister got this, but
when I needed it, my parents didn't do
this. You don't realize, oh, parents, the resentment
that develops in a child's heart. And in
the story of Yaqub alayhis salaam, in fact
that resentment wasn't even
physical, it was emotional. And yet still, they
sensed it, and that resentment developed. What if
they could pinpoint and say, look at what
he's giving to Yusuf? How much worse it
would have gotten. So point number 3, the
importance of being
equal with your children in demonstrating
care, in demonstrating
tuition, in demonstrating
education,
in demonstrating
taking care of their needs. When you give
one of them a car, by the time
the other one gets to that age, that
person should also get a car, or else
they're gonna feel, hold on, this is not
fair. You as a parent have to make
sure there is equality in this regard. And
by the way, this is explicit in the
hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam.
A man came, he had a favorite son,
and he gave a gift of a slave
to his son. The Prophet salallahu alaihi wa
sallam said, did you give your other children
a same gift? He goes, no, I didn't.
So the Prophet said, I cannot bear witness
to zulum. I cannot bear witness. Go away
from me. I cannot bear witness to this.
You are in my presence, I have to
speak out. I cannot bear witness that you
are mistreating the other children by preferencing 1
over the others. This is an authentic adith
and sahibuqari.
So we learned this from the story as
well. Point number 4.
Point number 4. And this is an interesting
point. It's not necessarily a positive. It's not
necessarily a negative.
Children
are generally
smarter than what we give them credit for,
and children
typically
can easily outwit their parents.
We see this in the story of Yaqub.
They knew
every point to to pinpoint.
They knew Yaqub was worried about Yusuf. They
knew Yaqub didn't like that Yusuf and his
brother are not friends together as much, so
they used that as an excuse, and they
said, dear father, you're gonna stop us from
playing with our brother Yusuf? We're gonna be
more friendly.
We're gonna be closer together. They knew their
father was worried about some problem happening, so
they said, don't worry.
We're going to protect him. And they set
up the stage. They delayed until after Maghrib,
after sunset, so their worry begins. And they
come with the whole story concocted and prepared.
Right? And these are teenagers,
and this is the reality.
Our teenagers know social media and computers and
technology way better than us, and we are
left in the dark, and they are already
light years ahead of us. Similarly, it's human
nature that because this child is yours, you
changed his diapers. Now when the child becomes
15 or 17, you still think that child
is a baby. No.
Learn from the story of Yaqum.
Give your children credit.
Usually,
your children know how to outwit you better
than you know, and so be a little
bit more
conscious in this regard. And this is the
reality, because psychologically,
you're still looking at them as babies, but
they're not babies. They're now young men and
women, and they are far more culturally savvy,
and far more computer savvy than you are.
So keep this point in mind. We learned
it from the
benefit of the story of Yusuf and Yaqub.
But my next point addresses the children.
You might be able to deceive intellectually,
but you cannot deceive emotionally,
because Yaqob knew something was wrong.
Ya'qub couldn't
pinpoint.
He's trying, but he knows in his heart,
Qalabalsawwara
lakuanfusukumamran.
You have done something. Right? And when Binyamin
didn't come back, he said as well, you
have done the same thing you did when
Yusuf did. You're doing another makr. You're doing
another trickery. I don't know the trickery, but
I know you guys have tricked me. So,
oh, children,
don't underestimate
the intuition of your parents. Your parents might
not know the culture as well as you
do. They might not understand all of the
lingo, and you can deceive them, and you
you pretend you're going somewhere else or not,
but a mother's intuition and a father's intuition
is something that is far more powerful than
reason and logic. So be careful about this
because Yaqub saw through his children, even though
they presented all the evidence in front of
him. So this is another point that we
learn, and that is the, the
the, 5th point. The 6th point that we
learn we benefit from this story, it's a
very profound one.
Wallahi, when I think about this, it's for
me, it's one of the most emotional ones.
Wallahi, honestly, it's so perplexing
in some ways.
Yaqub
knows
his own sons
have done something
to harm Yusuf.
Can you imagine
the pain the father would feel?
Yaqob knows
that
Yusuf is now lost or maybe even dead
or whatever.
And who's responsible?
The very people that are around him.
And there is tension.
You can tell him the story.
The brothers come back and they say, for
how long will you remember Yusuf? Until you
go senile? Until you go mad? Come on,
get over him. And the father says, I'm
not even talking to you. I'm not complaining
to you. I'm complaining to Allah. And Yaqub
cries and cries till he goes blind.
There's clearly tension.
How could there not be? But
he never cut them off.
He never boycotted them. He never said, get
away from me, because he hoped and hoped
and hoped he would recuperate all of them
back, and he did.
And this shows us the default.
And I know this is a sensitive topic,
but we learn from this. The default, there
are always exceptions.
May Allah protect all of us.
If a son or daughter does something wrong,
learn from this story.
We have again this cultural issue. I'm not
gonna talk to you again. Khallas don't come
to this house.
Whatever your child has done,
insha Allah guaranteed
he didn't abduct another child and sell him
into slavery.
Okay?
Whatever your child has done, you didn't tie
his hands and throw him into a well,
and then when a caravan came, sold him
for a few measly dirhams, come on, calm
down. Whatever your son or daughter has done,
it is not worse than what the brothers
of Yusuf did to Yusuf. And yet, the
Prophet Yaqub,
the Prophet Yaqub,
knowing his children have done something, and there
is tension. You're not gonna ignore it. There
is tension. But he realizes,
I have to keep these children,
because I want them to come back. I
want them to repent. I want them to
be guided. And did they not repent in
the end of the story? So the default,
and I stand by what I say. Yes,
there might be exceptions here and there, but
the default, O Muslim parent, if your son
or daughter goes down the path of ignorance,
the path of darkness, the path of sin,
the path of evil, the default, you don't
cut off from them. There should be some
tahluk and relationship. There should be some presence
in their life because you want them to
come back like Yaqub wanted his children to
come back. So this is the, 6th, point
that we learn. The 7th point that we
learn, and it goes back to, the second
point, but again, I wanna develop it, and
and to make it underscore it more more
explicitly,
is that we learn from the story that
jealousy
jealousy
is much easier
amongst blood relatives than amongst strangers,
and jealousy
becomes more powerful amongst family than amongst strangers.
We learned this from the story of Yusuf
and his brothers. Who amongst you is burning
with jealousy because of Bill Gates and his
billions?
Nobody.
Because of any multi billionaire. But, no, it's
there. But, may Allah protect us, if your
cousin becomes a multimillionaire,
Shaitan's gonna come to you. Who is he
to become like this?
If your brother, your sister. So be extra
careful with family,
because family is where jealousy becomes exponential.
Ironically, it is what it is, siblings, especially
brothers and sisters.
So learn from the story of Yusuf, and
be on extra guard, extra precaution, because our
Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam said, I warn you
of being jealous, because jealousy
destroys
your good deeds like a fire destroys twigs
and branches.
Jealousy in your heart will make you a
bad person. You will act in an evil
manner. You will do something haram. You won't
even realize it's haram. It was jealousy that
caused the brothers of Yusuf to go so
depraved. They literally took a 7 year old,
tied him up, threw him in a well,
sold him into slavery. Their own blood brothers,
they became blinded with jealousy. You don't wanna
be like the brothers of Yusuf. In order
to not be like that, you have to
monitor your heart, especially
with your family. Most importantly, with your siblings
and your cousins and your extended family, have
a pure heart and follow Yusuf, who had
a pure heart, and don't follow the brothers
of Yusuf. We learn from this story that
jealousy within family,
it catches on very quickly, and it becomes
very powerful very quickly. And
you have to be extra careful for within
family. So this is point number 7. Point
number 8, we learned from this story that
you will only keep a family together if
you are on the forgiving end.
The story has constant forgiveness in it. Family
is family. And if they come to you
and they apologize, then immediately
inkunna lakhateen,
that Allah chose you over us. You are
better than us. And Yusuf said, latathribaalaykum
yawfirullahahu
lakum There is no blame on you today.
Allah shall forgive you. The brothers go back
and they beg their father, kaluya abana astaghfanaadooma
innakunna khatayin
qala sofa astaghfoolukumrabi.
Oh, our fathers, please forgive us. We made
a mistake. Immediately, Yaqob says, I will ask
Allah to forgive you. Immediately,
Yusuf and Yaqob,
immediately
forgive, forgive, forgive. So be like Yusuf, be
like Yaqub. Yes, your family is gonna hurt
you. Yes, your brother and sister is gonna
say nasty things. Yes, wallahi, your immediate family
is gonna cause the most pain, but you
wanna be like Yusuf and Yaqoob, and forgive
as much as you can so that you
become the better person. Our Prophet salallahu alaihi
wasalam said, know that the one who forgives,
Allah increases him in honor. The one who
forgives your izzah is increased up. So follow
the path of Yusuf, and follow the path
of the father of Yusuf in forgiving those
that have harmed you. The 9th lesson that
we learned is one of the easiest ways
to console your anger
is what Yusuf says.
His brothers sold him into slavery.
And when they come and they apologize,
subhanAllah, this is amazing.
Yusuf does not blame the brothers.
Yusuf blames shaitan.
Mimba'adi an nazarash shaitanubayniwabeina
iqwati.
And by blaming shaitaan,
it becomes so much easier to forgive your
siblings
and those around you. Realize,
shaitaan
wants nothing more than to see your family
break apart. This is one of the goals
of shaitan. He wants to shatter the family
unit. He wants to make brother hate brother,
sister hate sister. Father and mother have a
fight between the children. Shaitan loves this. We
know shaitan loves this. So when you see
such a problem in your own family,
rather than immediately blame your family,
follow Yusuf and say,
shaytan did this.
Shaitan did this. Now you realize it. Let's
come back together and kick shaitan out of
the picture. Mimbaadi al nazarash shaitanu bayni wa
bayna ikhwati.
Yusuf did not even blame his brothers.
He blamed shaitan,
even though it wasn't shaitan that tied him
up. Wasn't shaitan that sold him into slavery?
It was his brothers. So we learn a
tactic
from Surah Yusuf, and that is realize
anytime something like this happens, in your heart
say, my uncle is saying this, my aunt
is saying this, my cousin is saying this.
It's not them. They're good people. This is
shaitan putting waswasa into them, shaitan attempting to
do this, and actually this is not imaginary.
It is true and it is real. Shaitan,
as our prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam said, one
of the biggest goals of shaitan is to
destroy the family. And we learned this from
the story. The 10th and final point, and
again, much more can be said, but because
of time. The 10th and final point.
In all of this,
one thing stands out more than anything else,
and that is
Yaqobs,
akhlaq, and iman.
Yaqobs,
sabr, and tawakkul
eventually
translated into all all of his children following
his path.
You want your children to be pious?
You must begin with yourself.
You want your children to love Allah and
His Messenger?
Look at yourself before you look at them.
Look at your own akhlaq.
Look at your own manners. Look at your
own ibadah.
Yaqub is the role model here. And eventually,
all of his children
followed his path.
This is the number one mechanism
to preserve Islam and iman, and to preserve
the love of Allah amongst your children.
It's not by admonishing,
it's not by rebuking, It's not by raising
your voice and putting punishments. No.
The number one mechanism,
example.
Lead by example.
You become the person you want your son
or daughter to be. And we see in
the story of Yaqoob that, in fact, in
his case, all the time and anecdotally, the
majority of the time, the majority of the
time, the children will follow the path of
the parents. And that's exactly what Allah says.
Pure soil and land gives pure fruits, and
evil soil and land gives evil fruits. When
the soil is pure, when the when the
seed is pure, what's gonna happen? Pure fruit
is gonna come. So you
concentrate
more on yourself than on your child,
and and I know that's difficult.
You concentrate more on your own relationship with
your spouse than your own child, because when
the child sees you and your spouse, the
mother and father, the child sees the love
and the care, the child sees the akhlaq
and the ibadah, this will automatically
be absorbed into his or her life, And
we learned this from the story of Yaqub
alayhis salam. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala allow
us to continue to benefit from the story
and allow us to have strong and united
families. May Allah protect our children and their
children after them. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
allow Iman to remain firm in their hearts
until their progeny till the day of judgment.
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