Yasir Qadhi – Marriage – The Sacred Bond

			Alhamdulillah All praise is due to Allah subhanho wa Taala we praise Him and we seek His help. And
we seek refuge in Allah, from the evil of our souls and the consequences of our actions. Whomever
Allah guides, none can misguide. And whoever is misguided cannot be guided except by him. I bear
witness and I testify that there is no god other than Allah agenda. Jana Liu, and bear witness and I
testify that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is his final prophet, and his most perfect
worshipper. As to what follows ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala has reminded us to be conscious of him in the
Quran, when he says yeah, you Hello Dina Amato Tapachula haka to quality wala temotu illa, one to
		

			Muslim moon. Dear Muslims, one of the most radical changes that is taking place in society around us
in this very generation is the change of the family structure. And even the types of changes in the
family structure are different. But one of the most obvious is the very stability of the family. One
generation ago in this country in 1960s, more than 95% of children were born to a married couple,
that's the way it should be. That's the way intended by Allah that is nature 95% of children were
born to a married couple, this is one generation ago. Do you know what that statistic is? Now,
almost half of children born today are born outside of wedlock.
		

			Let that statistic stink sink in. We are literally destroying the family in one generation. One
generation ago, 95% of children are born to two parents what together hopefully in love together one
need to establish a life together. And today, one generation 1960s Is not that many of you were
young in 1960s. It's one generation ago. And today, almost half, perhaps in a few years it will be
half of all children are born to people that are not married. And this is in America as for Europe
and other places it is already more than half. And we are still studying the impact of what happens
when children are raised without two parents without a solid family without a stable background. And
		

			almost every single psychological sociological survey and research that has been done, almost every
single research done interdisciplinary realities demonstrates that a solid, intact family a loving
family, a mother and father figure have significant positive impacts on the development of the child
and the future well being of the child. A family offers countless benefits for both adults and for
children. On average, on average, children raised in stable households perform better on every
single measurable scale known to man, I repeat, if you look at all the surveys and statistics done
in every field, on average, we find and this is common sense you don't need statistics to prove
		

			this. On average, we find children born and raised and stable households perform better on every
single measurable scale, emotional intellectual development, educational social motor skills,
functioning in society, giving back to society graduating, getting stable jobs, having families of
their own, having better lives of their own, and we go on and on and on. Children raised in loving
households, by and large, are less prone to commit acts of violence, less prone to turn to a life of
evil, less prone to end up in jail and overall far more statistically shown to become productive
members of society. In other words, successful parents, surprise, surprise, usually produce
		

			successful children. That is the Sunnah of Allah azza wa jal, and it is the proven reality of the
world around us. And by the way, these studies don't bring in religion. They're not coming from
Muslims. They're not bringing in Quran and Sunnah. These are sociological, psychological surveys and
studies done across generations to indicate a fact that will lie we don't need any survey to prove
our fit. The law tells us this a child born two loving parents, a child raised in a stable household
overall will be a better child a safer child.
		

			A more intellectual child, a more stable person, a person who will give back to society. And this is
why brothers and sisters, the Shetty eye has come with one of the fundamental goals being to
preserve the family, to protect the family to keep the bonds of marriage, and SubhanAllah. Once we
open the door for religion, once we start studying religion, we also find, and this is again,
surveys done by people not themselves, religious surveys done in the modern Academy, go look up any
science journal and the research paper, the number one cause of protecting the faith in the next
generation has nothing to do with the quality of the Sunday school. It has nothing to do with the
		

			rise and fall of the faith outside of you know, the bonds of social media know, the number one
mechanism to preserve the faith and the next generation across all faiths, Hinduism, Buddhism,
Christianity, Islam, the number one mechanism is to have a stable family that is bonding because of
the faith and through the faith. Again, these are surveys done by people who don't care about
religion, they're simply documenting, they're telling us like it is when Christian families that
love one another raise Christian children, by and large, those children end up Christian when
Buddhist families when Muslim families these are surveys done, you want to protect your children
		

			have families based upon your religious identity come together as loving families with your
religious identity as a as a center stage. And lo and behold, the number one cause of the next
generation, protecting the faith following the faith, observing the faith is they had successful
role model parents who are observing the faith, and again, should not be any surprise to us. But
sometimes we need to quote these statistics. Sometimes we need to tell you of these realities to
jolt us awake into reality. And that reality is a simple fact that should be known to all brothers
and sisters. In this time and place we live in when everything is going chaotic. When right is
		

			becoming left and up is becoming down or moralities becoming immorality. What is the number one
mechanism to preserve our sanity and the sanity of our children? What is the number one mechanism to
give them a chance to be successful in this dunya. And in the era, the number one mechanism
psychologically sociologically the FITARA is to have a successful family, you and your spouse, you
come together based upon this religion with the teachings of Islam and you become a role model
mother and father, you live your lives around the faith through the faith by the faith, you live
your lives love, love and compassion. And automatically your children will absorb those values, your
		

			children will be more mentally mature, will be more emotionally capable will have a higher
percentage of becoming socially productive and avoiding the wrong parts here and there. In other
words, deen and duniya is both preserved when we preserve the family. And therefore brothers and
sisters. Again, this is a reminder because how many holebas have been given, but it doesn't change
the reality that unfortunately, we are seeing and that is the reality of the breakdown of our own
families within our own communities every week, every few days, another case comes to us and it
comes to me and we hear of another divorce and other reality another breakdown. So it is imperative
		

			that we remind ourselves over and over again whether that could fit in the Quran for almost meaning
dear Muslims, the marriage contract between you and your spouse. It is not like any other business
contract. It is not a trivial contract. It is the most sacred contract you can ever sign. There is
no contract that is more sacred and more blessed than this contract. It's not like any other
contract yes at one level it is a contract but it is a contract like no other than the CA contract
is the most sacred contract and our Shediac ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada calls it me Sal Khan the Khalifa.
It is a sacred covenant while hugging him in Hoonah Mitsouko de la Allah calls the covenant of
		

			marriage, a strict covenant, a sacred covenant. And in the hook between whether the final hotswap
that are prophets or some gave the last time he spoke to a large audience that hotbar had five
paragraphs, he had to choose five things that he wanted to leave his ummah with, he had to choose
five talking points. And number four of that talking point was about the family. One of the five
final talking points of our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was about the family and about the
marriage contract. And he reminded of course, he's speaking to men, because that was the way the way
he's speaking to men. But when you speak to any gender, the other genders included, he said to men
		

			that oh man, be mindful of this contract. He mentioned the marriage contract, be mindful of the
contract that
		

			sacred covenant that allows you to have intimacy that allows you to do what is otherwise not
allowed. And he said in that houldsworth He said you use the name of Allah, you invoke Allah azza wa
jal and you made otherwise what would be haram? This is intimacy, you made it halal, and you came
together in a special union and you mentioned and invoke the name of Allah. So be mindful of that
contract be mindful of your spouse's. In other words, the prophet system is telling us preserve the
family, protect the bonds of marriage, be mindful and conscious of the rights and responsibilities
each spouse has on the other. Again, brothers and sisters, I gave a call about two three weeks ago
		

			about the goals of the Sharia. And we said one of the primary goals of the Sharia one of the
fundamental goals of the Sharia is to protect the bonds of marriage to protect the sanctity of the
family, we all know and that hadith that the Russell's I'm told us that the the Shavon who that all
the shayateen go and give Westwater whisperings and they go back to Bliss himself. And they will say
to Bliss Oh, I caused this young man to gamble. I caused this young lady to do this sin and He will
keep on dismissing until finally one one Shavon comes and tells IBLEES Oh, I kept on pestering one
couple and making their arguments worse until I caused them to divorce. The process I'm set IBLEES
		

			will stand up from his throne and hug the shaytaan and say you have accomplished something today. In
other words, when a divorce takes place without due cause again, that underlying sometimes a divorce
is with due cause and that's not because of shaytaan but when Shavon causes a divorce when Shavon
makes a small thing bigger, and they shouldn't have divorce but misunderstanding, arrogance Kibito
comes in grudges come in. One shaytaan causes a divorce. It believes himself hugs that shaytaan
IBLEES says you have accomplished something today. In other words, protecting marriage pleases Allah
by displeasing Iblees. Protecting marriage is an act of worship because we're fighting shape on and
		

			when we allow marriage to crumble when we allow a small issue to become bigger when we allow a
divorce take take place without just cause we are making the enemy of Allah happy because that enemy
understands the destruction of marriage is the destruction of society. The destruction of marriage
will bring about the destruction of society. Therefore brothers and sisters, some brief advice to
myself and all of you generic advice based on the Quran and Sunnah and based on the lived realities
of marital advice that has been called from many centuries of marital experience. The first advice I
give myself in all of you the first advice I give myself and all of you, before you jump to the
		

			faults of your spouse, before you concentrate on the negatives, pause, and force yourself to keep in
mind the positives. Because it is human nature, that we jump over the positive, it is human nature,
we take the good for granted, and we jump to the negatives, it is not appropriate when you assess
somebody that you only look at their negatives Wallahi a court of law, any judge any exam, when you
hand in the paper, yes, you're taken off for the negative, but how about the right questions? How
about the right answers? How about the good responses? You weigh everything on? TIAMO? What's going
to happen? Will Allah only look at your negatives? No, you will look at all the positives and even
		

			if you have some negatives, but the positives are much more inshallah we will pass if we will pass
because of this. How about your spouse? How about your life partner, so weigh the positives before
you jump to the negatives. In fact, to this advice, it is not coming from me it is coming from our
Prophet sallallahu either he was setting them in a famous Hadith he said, talking about couples
talking about husbands and wives. He said, Let no men a believing man, despise a movement or a
believing woman meaning his wife. Let no husband or wife hate his or her wife in totality. Let your
heart not be full of evil and animosity and anger. Then he said, if you happen to dislike one
		

			characteristic, for sure you will like some characteristic as well. In other words, he's teaching us
basic psychology Sallalahu idea he was selling them. If you don't like one thing. Don't concentrate
on that negative. Take a step back. Ask yourself, what are the positives of my life partner? Perhaps
perhaps your partner has a sharp tongue. That's a problem. But maybe they're also loving to the
children. Maybe they're able to manage finances? Well, maybe they're a good leader and other
aspects. So take advantage of that and look at the negative in light of the positive. Nobody is just
a bunch of negatives. Every person has some good and some bad so before you can't say turn on the
		

			negatives look
		

			At the positives as well and force yourself to take a part of the broader picture and assess the
positives before you get angry at the negative, ask yourself what are the positives then thank Allah
Alhamdulillah my spouse has such an such positive point number two, the Quran advises us as well in
this regard. And the sooner in this regard is well, point number two. Do not hold petty grudges. Do
not keep in your heart negativity based upon some small stuff, forgive as much as possible, overlook
as much as possible. Allah subhanho wa Taala mentions in the Quran, surah Taha when again about
spouses, Allah subhanaw taala either has a verse that requires an entire hook Babu will summarize
		

			it, Allah says you are the nominee or you who believe in mean as well as you can, why will it come?
I do wonder some of your spouses and some of your children, they are your enemies. Now this has
generated a lot of discussion. What do you mean, my spouse and child is my enemy. And the scholars
say listen to this, the meaning of this is not that your spouse and your children want to harm you.
It's not that your spouse or your children will drag you down because of who they are. It is that
chances are, you will fail in your obligation towards them. And you will be your own worst enemy in
your treatment of them. You will not be able to do justice. And so in order to be a good father, a
		

			good husband and you fail it is as if the cause of your downfall became your spouse and your
children. Not that they brought your downfall but you fail to live up to your responsibilities. So
Allah says Fine, go to home be conscious, be careful. Be careful because one of the main causes of
failure is failure in marital life. One of the main causes of failure is failure as a parent so
Allah is saying be careful, because one not the only but one of the causes of your failure might be
your own spouse might be your own child, so be careful. Follow him then Allah gives us a simple
tactic. What antiflu what else? What tofu for in the law of order, Rahim. Allah tells us to deal
		

			with our own inner rage, inner anger. One of the easiest mechanisms, stop holding grudges for the
petty stuff because what happens when you have a grudge when you keep the petty stuff in your heart
is that you overreact you overcompensate? Rather than doing something trivial and rebuking in your
anger in your rage, you will become the volume you will become the tyrant. So Allah says, we're in
tactful and if you were to lay erase from your heart, that negativity, what tasks for who turn over
a new leaf, give them another chance tomorrow, literally, you turn the page like give them another
chance. Let the past be the past. Let bygones be bygones. Don't hold it in your heart. What tell
		

			Pharaoh and forgive your wife, forgive your children. Let it go on, let it go. Don't hold it in your
heart. The Quran is telling you be careful your spouse and your children will be the cause of your
downfall. Then Allah says, but you can save yourself how? By having a clean heart forgiving, don't
hold grudges, give them another chance. Don't futile, forgive your own children, forgive your own
spouse. This is one of the strongest mechanisms to protect yourself against yourself and the
excesses of your own family and children. This is a beautiful and powerful verse that teaches us
that family and children are a test and trial. And one of the easiest ways to overcome that test and
		

			trial is not to concentrate on them but to concentrate on me to concentrate on ourselves to let our
hearts not fret over the small stuff not become bogged down by every single petty issue. Let
something of yesterday be yesterday life goes on. You have a future with this with this woman with
this wife with this mother of your children, you have another 20 3040 years. Why are you going to
hold the small argument yesterday and cause it to lead to something much bigger? What in Tuffle?
What us for what tofu tofu is the highest eliminate. If you can't do that thus far, I will give them
another chance turn it over. Let it be in the past and always what tells you to forgive, forgive,
		

			forgive, not for the sake of your ego, not even for the sake of your spouse for the sake of Allah
and also for the sake of your children. For the sake of marriage. You need to maintain your marital
happiness not just for your happiness, but for the happiness of your children and for the happiness
of the entire society around you. This is the second advice that the Quran gives us and then the
third and final one because time is limited. The third and final one brothers and sisters, our
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said
		

			that ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala gives through somebody's kindness what will not be given through
someone's harshness. You will get through love what you will not get through harshness and anger.
This is a generic Hadith. Allah gives what you want
		

			Allah gives it when you're kind. Allah gives it when you're compassionate. Allah gives it when
you're loving Allah gives through kindness, what you will not give through what you will not get
through harshness, meaning what, rather than use harshness and anger, rather than raise your voice
rather than threatened. This is one of the biggest mistakes that a couple makes against each other,
to threaten and to take things nasty and to invoke, you know, stock for Allah Allah's Anger the
Sharia has made it obligatory to obey me, my dear husbands, yes, it is obligatory obedience. But do
you think by shouting, your wife will genuinely respect you? Do you think by raising your voice
		

			invoking that is how you will attain the pleasure of Allah subhana wa Tada. By the way, leave it to
me and leave it to other third parties to remind both genders Yes, you have to fear Allah. Yes, you
have to answer to Allah subhanho wa taala. Yes, women must respect their husbands. Yes, husbands
should fulfill the rights of their wives, leave it to a third party. But when you're having a
dispute with your wife, and you raise your voice and you bring stuff with Allah, Allah as Lana, you
bring in, you'd better do this or else. Marriage is based upon love and not fear. Marriage is based
upon kindness, not anger, marriage is based upon compassion, not hatred. So this is not the best
		

			tactic between each other true, somebody has to do it and leave it to me and other people to remind
all of us myself and all of you that yes, there should be a fear of Allah in both of your hearts,
there should be accountability in both of your hearts, but laterally between each other. The primary
relationship is love, the primary relationship is compassion. So use the language of love to solve
as many problems as possible brothers and sisters much can be said. But you know what, in the end of
the day, there is no rule book that guarantees a successful marriage, there is no set of guidelines,
there is no algebraic equations, that if this is the problem, when you turn to this equation, it
		

			will solve it. No, there is no simplistic solution to the problems of marriage. And every one of us
has a different set of problems because we're different people and our spouses are different people.
So all we can advise one another number one be conscious of Allah subhanho wa Taala and know that
Allah wants your marriage to be successful. And number two marriages are based on love and
compassion. Marriages are based upon kindness marriages are based upon that feeling of genuinely
wanting to benefit your spouse, both parties if they come together with that attitude, inshallah to
Allah, the marriage will work and they should do so not just for the sake of Allah Subhana Allah to
		

			Allah but also for the sake of their children. Marriages, dear brothers and sisters are Allah's
biggest blessings to us as a human species after religious blessings. The biggest blessing Allah has
given us after the religious blessings Haleakala, Coleman and fusi come as Weijun he has created for
us spouses so that we can find comfort protect your marriages guard your marriages work on your
marriages, and Allah azza wa jal will show you the fruits of that work in this dunya before the
Akira May Allah subhana wa Tada bless me and you with him through the Quran and may make us of those
who is vs. They understand and applies halal and haram throughout our lifespan as scholars
		

			forgiveness you as well ask him for his love of food and the ramen.
		

			Alhamdulillah helwa had a had a summit Aladdin amulet William EULAs wollemi Akula who found Eduardo
brothers and sisters every time we talk about marriage, we must always bring up the awkward reality
of divorce. There is no doubt that it is something that needs to be discussed in more detail. But
realize divorce is always a last option. Divorce is there like a fire exit when there's no other
escape then and the Sharia has provided guidelines and I have given multiple hookbaits about this
and please listen to those who advised by me and by other scholars out there. Learn the etiquette of
divorce before you need it. Understand the fear of divorce before you have to resort to it. Know
		

			this background knowledge before you need to know just like when you board the plane to tell you the
fire escape you hopefully never need to know but you had better know before you need to do it
because if you don't know and there is a fire well along with Stan you're going to be in big
trouble. Similarly with divorce you need to know the rules know the ticket before you need to all
too often people fall into major mistakes because they've never studied divorce and then they come
to the chef or the Imam to move to here. Hi did the chef I did that. Well, you messed up and you
didn't know you messed up you need to learn before you come to any chef in this regard. So I advise
		

			all of you when things are good no problems still you should know this stuff because this is an
emergency escape that should only be available to when there is a need to do so yes, sometimes
divorce is the better option when there is abuse when there is abandonment. When there is total
incompatibility and the proper steps are followed. Well then it is what it is and some of the
greatest Sahaba as well divorced and they were still
		

			The greatest Sahaba but despite that divorce a divorce does not mean you're a bad person. And
sometimes it is better for your Eman for your health for your sanity to end the marriage and also if
a marriage has ended or if one of you is in a single parents situation, please sisters and brothers
especially single mothers don't pay attention to those statistics then because statistics mean
nothing at an individual level Wallahi Dear sisters that are raising children on their own, I swear
to you I am always in awe of the courage and sacrifices of single mothers. I'm always in awe about
how much challenges you have about how you're taking on the world how you're doing more than any man
		

			could possibly do if he was in your situation, it is a miracle from Allah single mothers they become
simultaneously more than just any other lady can become they become a father figure a mother figure
so if you're in that situation, dear single mother, forget those statistics you will inshallah to
either be successful with your children these statistics mean nothing at the individual level and
yes, of course try to find a partner that is good but if not, then inshallah it is what it is. And
for wisdom known to Allah, Allah has decided to test you in a way that inshallah you will also see
this reality. Don't lose hope. Don't lose heart and realize some of the greatest people in our
		

			history were raised by single mothers, or ISA was raised by a single mother he was of the mightiest
prophets, Imam Al Buhari was raised by a single mother and he became who he became so don't lose
hope and don't worry about these statistics you do your job you do you you worship Allah subhanho wa
taala, Big Lots of dua, and in sha Allah to Allah your tool will be even more successful than the
average children out there. No worries insha Allah Who to Allah. But yes, as a default, we try to
keep our marriages and keep the children within a stable marriage. The final conclusion brothers and
sisters, even if society around us is heading towards complete chaos, even if more than 50% of
		

			children in broader society are born outside of marriage, we as a Muslim minority have to be role
model citizens and role model worshipers of Allah subhanho wa taala. We have to show broader society
what it means to be a worshipper of Allah on morality on Abrahamic religion, what it means to have a
successful marriage, what it means to raise children in the normal manner. And this is one of the
strongest mechanisms of Dawa and it is also the strongest mechanism to preserve Islam for many
generations to come back Allah, Allah Allah Allah amo La Moneda and for aminu, Allahu Allah that if
you held your wisdom and the love of Allah, wa him and Illa for Raja while then Allah Kadota while
		

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