Channel: Yasir Qadhi
Series: Yasir Qadhi - Ask Shaykh YQ
Sister Xena asks a question I will summarize it that
she wants to marry a particular brother they met on campus. They they have feelings for each other, but they haven't done anything wrong. They're keeping themselves pure for marriage. But as is usually the case, the father is objecting and saying no, he's not going to allow this particular person to marry his daughter. And she is feeling that his objections are unreasonable. And so does she need she's adult she's she's legally the land that she lives in in London, she can marry this brother legally, in terms of the British law. And so she was saying that if she is certain that his conditions are unreasonable, may she go ahead with this marriage? One
out of seven,
poverty in Asia? No, he him first.
The response that brothers and sisters understand that to the [???]ty
has placed a woody for a very simple reason. And that is to protect the interests of the lady. And I understand that some people think this is paternalistic. Some people think this is misogynistic, some people think whatever. But at the end of the day, the Shetty is very clear on this point. And this is the position of the vast majority of Roma. And frankly, it is basic human psychology that a young lady who has never experienced men never experienced any marriage, any long term relationship with another man can be taken advantage of because not because she's naive, is because she's innocent, and men are not innocent. So rather than looking at it as a negative, we should look at it
as a very different way that the shady has actually impugning men and the nature of men. And they're shady as saying that, look, we're not too certain any man that might be interested in a lady who doesn't have experience and that's why do your brothers and sisters that Sherry has a different ruling on widows and on divorcees, widows and divorcees once you've been married to a man once you know male Psychology at this stage, the what he becomes a token a rubber stamp like the one he does not have veto power. Once a woman understands the psychology of a man inshallah Tada, she will not be in sha Allah, she will not be any fool that easily. I mean, anybody can be fooled man or woman.
But once she has never lived with a man known a man, and she has never been married before the show, he views a woman as being too pure and too innocent. And a wolf in sheep's clothing might want to take advantage of her and that is why the way he is placed as and that's literally what a what he means a guardian, what does a guardian do? A guardian protects a guardian, make sure that whatever is going to happen will be in the best interest of the of the young lady. And that is why the Shetty insists this and the majority opinion, of course, one month hub does not but of course, the majority and the Hadith mentioned that there should be a worry now, what if the worry is being unreasonable?
In this case, if you're living in an Islamic land, or in an ideal situation, you would go to an Islamic court you would petition you would say my father is being unjust, he is denying somebody's hand that I think it is unfair. And so a third party, a neutral party, we'll look and we'll examine who is really the the more appropriate, you know, plaintiff, plaintiff or the the accused, whether defend who's more right is there. And in that case, it is possible that the judge will rule that okay, the father is will is taken away because he's being unreasonable for whatever reason. However, we are generally speaking in the sisters in London, we are not in such a situation. Therefore, in
this situation, what I advise the sister is that she should go to a share Horan Imam or a scholar who has experience in these issues, not just anybody because again, this is one of our problems is that not anybody who has graduated from other asset becomes qualified to do everything go to a senior person of age and wisdom and experience of community service whose reputation is known. And another point you might be shocked that I say this, but go to somebody of your own culture. I think this is a very important point as well. Because one's own culture, there are cultural nuances when it comes to this issue of wilaya that people outside the culture will not understand. Go to somebody
in your locality of experience and wisdom and age and somebody of your own background and culture so that that person can understand what is going on and be better situated to assess how just or unjust Your father is going to be and then that Imam or that shift can if need be.
Contact your father see what is going on, hear from him directly. And look, you know, I mean, if it is clear that he is being unreasonable, I'll give you a simple example. If he says, I don't want a religious person to marry my daughter, anybody who's praying five times a day, who has a beard, what not, I don't want that person to marry my daughter. So Subhanallah in this case, it is very clear, open shut case, basically, that if I were if this were to happen to me, and the man said this to me, I will say, Okay, well, that is your prerogative to feel that way legally. And it is her prerogative in this land to get married legally. And I would interview the young man, see if he's religious and
whatnot, and based on my, you know, assessment and a short lead, and maybe allow the marriage to take place, however, and again, this might shock some of you, but it is again, a reality. And in fact, if the man says, I don't want somebody who doesn't have a job, I don't want somebody who's still in school, I want to marry my daughter off to somebody who has a good income. And he says, a reasonable income. So if he's middle class, he's saying I want somebody of the same background. Okay, so paddler, this is not unreasonable at all. On the contrary, this is the essence of being reasonable. This is the essence of what what he should do. Again, I will shock some of you and it
will say, What if he says, Oh, I want somebody from my cultural background, okay. by unanimous consensus of all of them, and I hope he has the right to place that condition, and it is a reasonable condition, it is not unreasonable. Why because when you marry, it's not just a business transaction. It's a life long, you're adding somebody to your family. And you might want somebody to speak your language with to have your cultural mannerisms with to enjoy your own, you know, extended family, you want to have somebody of your own. This is not how long it's not, it's not at all racism at all. On the contrary, anybody who says this is racism does not understand what racism is, when
you prefer for a marriage candidate, somebody from your own culture and background. This is simply compatibility birds of a feather flock together. Yes. If you were to say, I'm not going to marry somebody of another race, because I think they're worse than me this and that. This is racism. And yes, Yanni, in this case, go to a shareholder or another person and find out the reality of what do you think. But if a person prefers,
excuse me, if a person prefers his or her own race for marriage simply because of compatibility, not because of elitism, not because of arrogance, not because of looking down at other races, this is very reasonable. And if the father were to say, Look, I don't want to bring into my household permanently, you know, somebody that I cannot speak my language with somebody that I'm not gonna enjoy my cuisine with somebody that cannot crack jokes, and my, you know, cultural, you can call it petty if you want, that's your prerogative, but it is his prerogative to have that condition as well. So my point is that who gets to decide what is reasonable and unreasonable? Not you with my
utmost respect, because you are the one that is at the center of things, your emotions are compromised, his emotions are compromised, right? We cannot expect you to step out of your position and make a fair judgment. You have emailed me that you're you by the way, you didn't tell me and I don't want you to help me. I'm saying you didn't tell me the exact reasons why your father is being unreasonable. But my question is, you have used that adjective, my father is unreasonable. Maybe he is, and if he is, and it's a reason that really does not make sense and is going to be detrimental, then inshallah, either you will find a sheriff or an Imam to say, you know, what, dear, and he will
call the father because, again, it's his prerogative, he is your father, he's not a stranger to you. And he needs to be told point blank that this is wrong, change your mind or else, you know, I will take over the way that the mom should say that, and if he changes his mind at Hamdulillah, in any case, so I hope that answers that aspect. One other thing as well, by the way, and that is that dear sister, that look, you are completely 110% allowed to use soft pressure, emotional pressure on your own father, you know, talk to him, you know, intelligently, you know, tell him the goods of you know, why this brother is what you want and explain to him the pros that he's bringing up or not
applicable, you can appeal to him over and over and over again, you can use your own extended family, go to your cousins and aunts that are, you know, maybe your mother's on your site, I don't know, feel free, free to apply internal pressure and see if that is going to change his mind prays to harder to Allah subhanho wa Taala make dua to Allah. But in the end of the day, if his objection is reasonable, as decided by a third party of knowledge and of your culture, then dear sister, he is your father and your parents and they have some right over you and inshallah Allah, he has your best interests at heart, even if you disagree with his assessment of what is your best interest. And
therefore, my position would be that if it is a reasonable reason and objection, that is his prerogative, and you really do need to respect that or else you're going to be contravening the Sharia, and perhaps potentially
The earning the displeasure of a loss Hana with Allah Bella make the situation easy for you