Waleed Basyouni – Starting a marriage – Why and how
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the declining rate of marriage across the globe and the importance of choosing the right person for one's life. They also touch on the success of marriage and the importance of privacy and happiness. The speakers stress the need to learn about marriage early and find a partner who is attractive and makes it difficult for people to marry them. They also stress the importance of finding a person with a certain lineage of religion to avoid marriage and suggest avoiding force and disrespecting others.
AI: Summary ©
hamdulillah Hua and hamdulillah Hua salatu salam, ala Rasulillah who are early are sufi women who Allahabad. All Praise to Allah, His praise and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his family, his companions and his followers until the Day of Judgment, I bear witness that Allah is the only one worthy of worship and Muhammad sallallahu alayhi. Salam has lost on final messenger. My dear brothers and sisters, one of the strange thing that I have been hearing lately
that some young men and singing some young woman telling me we don't want to get married.
Even though as a natural this is,
it is still unfortunately, something that is growing.
And nationwide, the rate of marriage is dropping way more than it is comparing to the last decade, for example, the rate of marriage, let's say declining, but for the last few years, and forget about the pandemic. Yeah, and the rate of divorce going up, but the rate of marriage in itself is declining.
And that's not only in the United States, but across the globe. There is this notion that I hear from young men and woman, even people who are religious, they're not fulfilling desires and haram. But they said, You know what, I don't want to get married. I want to stay single. And oh, no, the common reason that I hear young men telling me that and woman that the tell me we see all this marriages problems, and we see all these bad examples, you know, and terrify us to commit to marriage. Why would I marry someone who will cheat on me all abused me well do will take away my freedom. Well, well, well, and I long list of things like that. And most of the time, they told me
that have seen some bad example, we see in the community, we see this. And they hear us talking about these kinds of examples, which is unfortunately, bad examples and bad marriages. Also, some of them these see that in their own circle, either their own parents, friends, family, friends, and so on.
But I want to say a couple of things to or few points in regard to this.
My brothers and sisters, especially young men and woman on those who are not married those who are afraid to get into marriage, or to commit to marriage, don't let this bad examples turn you away from a beautiful thing, which is marriage. It's exactly like when people want to invest and to have money. And he keeps all what do you think about those who start business and lost their money, start business and lost their money, if you're going to think about these examples of people who you know, get into business and lost their money will never invest. As simple as that. If you're always going to say, to think about, you know, you want to, for example, go to college, and you only think about
people who drop off from college or kid and pass or you want to do a driver's license, and you see everybody, everybody, you know, failed the driving test as Not true, not because you have several friends failed the driving test, it means you're not gonna pass or it's bad. Now, the problem is sometimes we hear about the bad example. But we don't hear about the good example because it's obvious, you know, people not gonna come to you and talk about how beautiful life is going for them. Usually people talk about the problem, not about the good, that's a natural thing. I'm not gonna go until, you know, wow, I had a great night, you know, a great week with my family, I do this I'm have
usually you talk about things that that is, you know,
out of the norm, which is where the problem is. So a lot of time young men, young woman, when they hear these things, they think that this is the norm, but that's not true. There are so many times so many people are very successful in their marriages. And that's the vast majority of people also those who have problems, don't look at a week or a month or a year in their marriage life and their marital relationship. You have to look at that 20 years or 10 years, there's so much good happening during this years. Don't let only a few days or a few incident basically make you look at the relationship through this, these problems. And it can be very deceiving. I'm not saying that there
is no problem. I know I recognize that. I'm an imam. I deal with things like this all the time. But also I recognize there is so much good out there. It's like when you think about sickness. I need you with all those sick kids.
He says, You think everybody in the world is sick. But the reality now you only get to hear about sick nests because it is out of the norm. It's out of the ordinary things. And the same thing with the marriage said Don't let these stories terrify you are turning off or turning away from marriage. You know have personally been biller which is always expect good from ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada and Allah will meet your expectation. Make sure you do your homework, make sure that you do the right things in choosing the right person. Because marriages is not only something that is natural, it is also something that it is deeply rooted in our religion. When Allah created Adam and a salami
created for him, a spouse, well, Hanukkah Hanukkah coming nephew Wahida wahana caminhada selja He created you from one soul which is Adam, and for Adam, he created his or his main his spouse's Zote which is Eve and from Adam and Eve Allah created humanity or humanity may Allah Subhana Allah Allah says, Hello kala cumin and fishy come as well as a little school in a year. Would you rather be in a coma that a Warhammer, Allah among his fevers upon us, bound pound to pound is
upon us, that you have made for us as spouses from ourselves so we can tranquil with them so we can dwell in tranquility with them in peace, love, harmony, mercy, Allah Subhana Allah said messengers who have you have sinned and Prophets the best of humanity? What do you have made them husbands he defined them as husbands and fathers and parents will now sell now Rousselot public what Jelena Allah whom as Raja with RIA Allah subhanaw taala says, ordering Tinky Omar Baba Camilla Nisa, Mary, who do you want are you wish from woman and the same thing apply for woman in Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Yeah, mashallah Shabaab, many Stoppa I mean, Kumala at affiliate as a word, or young
men, whoever have the ability should marry should wit. And that's an order from the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa salam, especially in a time where it is hard for people to,
to protect themselves from all these desires, sexual desires around marriage is something that tell them a lot, married people, statistically speaking, are less likely to be caught in addictions and all kinds of addiction. Addiction is very high rate, addiction rate among singles. also way more like less likely to be committing suicide. Also those who are married,
you might find this surprising, but this true, people are married have much, much higher income those are than singles
that have have much higher income than those who are single. And also, yes, I know that marriage it means commitment, responsibility. I know that marriage it means that you, you know find yourself maybe not have the type of freedom that you had when you're single, but it can guarantee you that the type of life and lifestyle that you get into numeric to the right person, it's the freedom that you gain by that marriage is way more than the freedom that you had when you were single. I always say yes, when you are single, you might move faster. But when you are with your spouse, you can move farther you know and basically when you have that companionship with you when you have that support
when you have your other half with you if you are complete
in Nabi SallAllahu sallam said yeah mashallah Shabaab many stops Minnesota I'm in Cambodia at affiliate so watch for in who have been in bazaar will axon will forge marry will help you to lower your gaze and to protect your private part. Woman Lamia stopped a fatty he was sown for in Allahu IJA if you can't fast and it is a protection for you, you have any fasting today people not married not fasting not lowering their gaze not protecting any themselves from haram unfortunately, and in Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said duniya matar will hieromartyr hieromartyr in Almora to Saudi her visa Muslim dunya is nothing but a joy and the best joy in this dunya is to
Have a righteous spouse, a righteous spouse. He said a righteous wife but also a righteous husband. To have a righteous spouse is the best type of joy in this dunya
so if you think that you're enjoying your life, you missing so much by not being married to the right person, and it's a Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said also Lemonis erotica Allah manners are old Allah to Allah when Medina Kony sunnah Dabhol filbur Kala Mahayana manga kinesin insan any age of like shit technicial Furbo you couldn't indec when the verse talking about those who possess gold and silver
say put in a safe in a safe and hauled into the silver and gold. He said Salah Salem what can be better than holding into silver what better than possessing silver and gold or Gold and Silver's he sits on Allah and salam. After Alma has Mahana ma hasn't the best thing to possess the hub. Listen on deck. What Caliban Shachar was oh, Mina Turin who Allah Imani. He said SallAllahu Sallam a ton that you have control over it and you have it. And that tongue you used to remember Allah Subhana Allah with a heart that you have it, you possess it, but that heart is the heart of a grateful person. And what the third one, he said a righteous wife. Who is Mina, a believing woman who will
help you with your Eman and also a righteous movement husband who will help you sister with your iman. Colin Nabil Salah Salem football Bharani mon Rosa Kahala whom rotten sada Anna who Allah sharp redeeming, if you marry a righteous good spouse, you complete your half half of your deen that will help you to complete half of your deen and in their bizarre solemn told us that the one who seek marriage for the sake of protecting themselves. Allah made a promise to help them. Allah made a promise to help them. Marriage is the way if Allah subhanaw taala bless you with the righteous spouse, those righteous spouse will be an intercessor for you in the Day of Judgment. Your children
from that spouse will be an intercessor for you in the Day of Judgment.
Academy Miss Rudra the Allahu Ania bowl lolium Typically if it duniya en la la isla lemma lucky to Allah Azza if I only have one night left in this day life, I will not die as a single man. I will marry and I will die as a married person. Because that means I complete half of my Deen
if an ambassador the Allahu Anwar Allah, He emits CW Jubeir and he said, Are you married? He said No, not yet. He should marry and that shows you how the Companions cared about making sure their students are married and he said in the hierarchy, the Ummah cannot throw honey sounds salatu salam, the NABI SallAllahu Sallam the best of this ummah, and he was married salatu salam, and in that piece of salaam when a man came to me and said Yara salah, I'm not going to marry and maybe so Salam was upset and he said no, I have more Taqwa knowledge than any one of you and I married.
Woman Ronnie Berenson, nativity 70 and those who do not follow my sunnah are not among my ummah, my nation and abuse Allah Allahu Allah, you are your Salam said,
that Athan out of battle Mina sad for things among happiness. You only four things if you have them, you will be happy. And one of them is to have a righteous good spouse. Also Nabil sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, once a woman came to him with her father, young woman. And the father said Jana son, Allah, my daughter not listening to me, I'm bringing all these proposals to her. And she's not accepting any one of them. Then he said, Why are you giving your father a hard time? She said, Yes. And Allah I don't want to marry unless I know exactly what are my rights, and what's my husband's rights? I want to know about marriage first. Want to make sure that I'm making the right choice.
Because when you want to get married, you just don't want to go by. You don't want to just marry someone that you can live with. You should be looking to marry someone you can't live without.
So she sent that to him. So I'll send him and then maybe so I explained to her. Then after that, she said to her father, and he said to her listen to your father, and he looked at the father said but don't marry her without her kids.
Since you can't force someone into marriage,
it does start from the beginning. It starts from the choice.
You want to be choosing the right person, you don't want to be choosing the wrong person
to joke. But there is a meaning behind it. There is a message behind it. The cell, this man wearing his wedding ring, and the wrong finger. So somebody said, Why are you wearing the wrong finger said because I'm married to the wrong person.
It's a joke, but it's not a joke.
There is a message behind that your right husband, wrong husband or wrong wife. That's not enough just to make some people maybe don't switch fingers. But that's how they're live is that they made that bad choice. And in some a lot of people make this choice to get married, especially I want you if you have children, is to talk to them about marriage early. And I'm not saying talk to them about getting them to marry. But at least the concept of marriage, the concept of relationship. I think one of the reasons we have so many bad failing marriages today, because we were never taught. We were never taught what marriage means. I'm a big believer that in every high school, especially in
Islamic schools, we should have a subject talking about marriage, and telling young boys and young girls what marriage means, what husbands rights are, what 100 wives rights are, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a husband, what happy life looks like. I think this is something so important to be taught to be given to be inserted in the mind and the hearts of young men and young woman in our community.
And I'm so glad that this weekend, Chateaubriand going to be giving a workshop it's called Marriage GPS, which is a I advise each and every one of you, you know, to register for it to attended inshallah Tada.
And anyhow, one other thing that I want to make sure that it's clear from the beginning, clear from the beginning, that whenever you are about to choose someone, please there is an assumption of
this person will change.
So the wrong choice happen because we always think, Oh, she will change, oh, he will change or the parents tell the Daughter, don't worry about him. Now Inshallah, after you get married, you will change or the tell her, you know, don't worry about She's a good woman. You know, I know you don't like the fact that this is how she act or this is how she is. But Shala she will change after marriage. That notion that you enter into the marriage, on the assumption that people will change, sometimes not fair. Like I remember a brother coming to me and tell me, Chef, my wife, she doesn't wear hijab. Okay. I said, Okay. And he's, this is for me, an essential thing. I said, that's fine.
Where she wouldn't get job when you got engaged to her. He said, No.
I don't like the fact that she showed her hair. I said, it's very biting me as a husband. I said, what she's what she covering her head before he married? No.
You know about this before? Yes. So okay, so why are so upset right now? I mean, I agree with you, she should. But why are you making now is it is a make or break type of points. Why it was not making a breaking point. When you're engaged. He said, Oh, my mom told me she will change
as an affair.
That's not how it works.
You know, I know my husband is a stingy person.
I know my husband is a very connected to his parents.
I know that from the beginning, I enter into the marriage, under the assumption I will change him or he will change. We're not in a competition to change each other. We change eventually, as couples later on in our life. I'm not the same one who married my wife 20 years ago, or 18 years ago, or 15 years ago. And she's not we change
physically and, you know, psychologically, but again, the point is this assumption is very, very wrong assumption and caused so much damage and relationships later on. So
I hate to break it for you. People don't really change much.
If you ever see somebody tell you to
change, people don't change much, especially when it comes to their who they are their character traits, unless they are very determined to change
and very determined to make that change they themselves, and they have so much will and put so much effort. Yes, progress can be made. But most of the cases is very hard for me to see that. And it's very high risk to gamble your life over something like this. So please, parents don't ever push your children under the assumption. Oh, they will change or you yourself. Another thing also a wrong choice. When you follow your heart alone.
A lot of time we just follow our heart and our heart can be deceived by the look by some you know, outlaw outside things so rich, you know, she He's very handsome. Like somebody was like, literally telling me oh, can you ask for this guy for married? You know, I'm wanting to marry him to my daughter and I said
Do you know them know first time they saw the guy or the girl first time to see this guy? Why? Just because you look handsome, attractive young men.
That's it just because of the six packs.
That's what desolate make me marry the person.
By the way, I'm not saying that it's wrong to look for someone who's handsome for a woman who's beautiful. Or a man who's rich. I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is this not enough to make the decision of relationship that will last don't ever marry someone you're not attractive to. Um, please, parents. The issue of how attractive I am to this person is only solely to the young man or young woman.
I had one I was in trouble once. I had a sister that I have to confront with her. Her son is one of my students. And she insists to marry him someone with fair skin light skin and he said I am in love with women who have a dark skin and his mother said not in the world you will be married to a dark skinned woman
on a hat she's not racist or anything but she's just doesn't think that this is I don't know racism prejudice but that's not what beauty for her means. And he said that just utterly wrong.
You don't define Oh, she has to be tall tall guy
I like short guys. It's not your because I'm the one who marry him. I'm going to be sleeping next to him in the bed not you.
So all these things it is so sad when I hear parents are putting so much pressure and influence or the children over stuff like that. The look it's up to the person it's another thing also is so deceiving. Which is a lot of people looking for the opposite. Under the assumption opposites attract
opposite people attract each other.
I mean, maybe maybe physically and I seen that I shall I see people who are tall like short big like petite I seen that a lot. But character wise, I'm telling you you wrong if you think opposites attract
any one person was telling me chef, I am very very my Deen my Islam. My Eman is so low.
So I want to marry super duper religious girl
or my Islam is week shift. So I want to marry this chef to bring my Islam up
to you getting husband, not a therapist.
You know, you're not looking for a therapist, you're looking for a husband or a wife, not someone to teach you how to I'm so angry person. I need someone to teach me how to become so I choose someone who's so calm. I'm a person who worry having anxiety and I want to someone who's so like relax.
doesn't work this way that middle slackly those people in line you know you need to help look for a professional, not a wife or a husband.
Look for a teacher to teach your Quran not ashamed to marry.
it as simple as that. It's just ridiculous us actually idea. And that comes when people follow their hearts and they forget to take their brain with them. They leave it behind.
So these things are so essential to make the right choice. Also, it is so important that we don't ever force anyone into marriage
and any woman get to be four
into marriage in Nabi SallAllahu Sallam give her the option to nullify the marriage immediately.
And you cannot force your son into marriage.
And I thought this is now obvious, but I was surprised by this not obvious actually. You still have in our community people put so much pressure and force the children to marry and blackmail them. And emotionally pressure them psychologically plusher them, financially pressure them, I'm not going to help you with any money if you don't choose the one that I choose for you, your cousin, for example.
And that's not correct.
You can force someone because that's going to fire up later on. Also, it is so important when you look to someone to when you look for the right person. That will be honest, no deceiving. Honesty is so important in this stage in relationship be honest, don't give an image or a claim that it's not you I'm so rich I'm so this I'm so got
an A know a lot of sad stories about that.
You know, even be honest if you have a certain disease. Like somebody came to me and said, Sure, I got he already engaged. I already have the relationship stablish he already hooked up the girl or the girl fell in love with him. And he coming to me and said chef, I said what he said
I have a STD
should I tell them sexual transmitted disease?
Excuse me?
What do you think?
Any you gonna hide this?
But yeah, they're gonna turn away from me. That's, that's cheating.
If you have to have you have to be honest. You know, I take like psychiatric medicines.
I take into depression.
I mean, there is honesty has to be I'm not saying from the first I'm not gonna, by the way. I I wanted to meet me on my shrink, you know, from the beginning, but at least there is some kind of level of honesty, you know, a preparation for things of that, you know, nature. Hiding those and after marriage, you figure it out? That's not right. That's not correct.
For God's sake, I've seen cases where people after marriage found out that their spouse was married to someone else and have kids
just just unacceptable.
Also,
whenever you look, make sure you'd be moderate. Some people are too extreme. He looked to the perfect man, perfect woman. There's no perfect man perfect woman shall only go to gender.
But be moderate in your in your choice. And also don't ever think that is one. One area is enough. Even religion is not enough.
You marry someone who's super religious. But it might doesn't mean that there's going to be happy in my life.
Maybe this person gets angry quickly is stingy, maybe incompetent. Sexually, there is not he basically not capable. There's many things done alive in the Omen layer on the heart doesn't matter.
In this case, so make sure that you'd be monitored. And you'd be basically look at all areas and don't be just looking at one sign and forget about the rest. Don't ever think when the promise is seldom said when a woman you're married because of her wealth, her lineage. Her beauty doesn't mean when he said make sure you take the religious one. It doesn't mean you dismiss the others. No, the others are important, but religion is make it or break it factor. Okay, I want someone that look, have that character have that lineage of that culture of that education. And the more there is similarity, the more likely the marriage will be successful. But in the end of the day, I cannot
choose someone who's not religious, someone with a corrupt belief, someone who don't fulfill the obligations of Islam, someone who openly practice the major 700 slump.
And in the end, I would say
make sure that you look for someone who is Paice.
Because the pious person, well shot life he fears Allah she fears Allah smart Allah will always protect you will even if they don't like you personally, they will not abuse you.
So words that would have been to come in yet. Eppela one of the scholars
said marry your daughter of someone who fears Allah because if he likes her he will be extremely good. And if he doesn't like her, he will never abuse her.
Because inside the house Allah subhanaw taala is the only one who Overwatch
my brothers and sisters make a lot dua that Allah Subhana Allah Allah bless your choices. And make sure that you consult your ask.
Make sure you ask Allah subhanaw taala first then you ask people, a lot of time I'm sad because people did don't invest a little bit time to ask about the person before they get married to
me Allah subhanaw taala give success to all our young men and woman who are about to get married and those who are married Akula Masamoto Mostofa Allah Allah when it comes to stuff
hamdu lillah wa salatu salam ala Milena via by the WHO about my dear brothers and sisters
one of the things that I want to say in summer there is a lot of marriages take places as well. And
in these marriages, make sure you don't start your life with doing what is haram
it's so important for you. Some people said oh just one night you want this marriage to start with the blessings of Allah subhanaw taala not start your marriages with disobeying Allah subhanaw taala what are the our eyes showing with Salah is neglecting with uno
mixing between men and women and in a way that to all beauty displayed and all makeup and that's an Islam is not a lot on how full music's men dancing over it oh, this is not allowed and it's not.
And make sure that you know, especially those who come to the massage those who are pray those who are like comes from religious family that they respect these rules. So Allah subhanaw taala bless their marriages.
And my brothers This is a can't emphasize enough on the importance of talking to children about marriage about the concept of marry. Make sure when your son or daughter wants to get married, they feel so comfortable to come talk to you. You know what we have beautiful examples in our community. I don't want to mention names but I can see a couple of them and then the and crowd here married all their kids, boys and girls. You know what? I'd love that you come and you ask them how did you do it? Now Allah Masha Allah make all the children successful. Ask something along with that as a father, what did you do learn from other people experience?
Make sure that you have that conversation with your children. So when the time comes, you're not surprised. You're there. The consultant on the talk to you may Allah subhana data bless you and bless your families along the medical interview. You know what I have learned them as well as you know the reality and a Kurata on which handling with subpoena Imam Overlander the Reuben or Amna Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Nabina Muhammad wa early Allah Houma is an Islam old Muslim in Allah who was one of the most alive and equally McCann, Allah on behalf of any one of you who understand Allah Muhammad and whomever it is that as Lydia has become either Gerardo kromm, Irrfan
Misaki Allah Who muffled this one NFL hint, Allah Marfa and Homido Janerio the Quran Allah Martha and humble ma who met in Hindi avoid immateriality him yeah he aka you, Allah who may Allah cinoa to a lot of the other general Ikram heteroaryl Mr. de la casa mumble Mia who you know que de him of a dreamy other Jalali Allah Karim, Allah Minya said okay, are you a human for the one and mustafina fishery authority Iraq or if you call the Macan Allah Who Mederma out of aluminum Muslimeen warhead suffer what am I carry? Metromover then benaulim Boom Allahumma flipline fe Bella Dino whether you were to hit both Allah Allah mana to Jana fitna to Lillian Allah, Allah Molly arena ya know a bit
under sharara Anna we're following a VM well you know Lina the agenda the only Quran Allah Who minion Ahsoka and Teleflora Lee Valley de now here you know, Martina was was you know the reality you know, and who yeah home Sharon Vitani Malala Mina Murata and also Lila who mausoleum. alberic anima going to be you know, Muhammad, and today in Friday, increase your salatu salam ala Rasulillah sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Nabina Muhammad Ali Khomeini Salah Johan Johan Columba.