Relationship Between The Husband And The Wife

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Waleed Basyouni

Channel: Waleed Basyouni

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By getting married, one completes half of his religion. But what is the relationship between a wife and her husband? And how can they maintain their marriage as Salaam Alaikum and welcome to talk. First of all the guests in the studio, I'd like to welcome them. Chef Walid asuni instructor of the American Open University in Virginia, the name of the clearlake Islamic Center in Houston, and a member of the fatwa committee, and the Muslim jurist in North America. It's a pleasure having you with us. It's my pleasure. I'd also like to welcome our other guests in the studio. On my left, I have Muhammad who is an English translator, I have next to him Muhammad, also translator, and Ekman

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from Malaysia, who is a graduate of Political Science University Cairo, political science faculty, Carrie University.

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First of all, Sheikh Khalid, we spoke in the past about finding the correct person or the right person in life, we also spoke about the contract of marriage, touching upon the various conditions of the contract of marriage, or the various types of marriages, we know that we have heard of many kinds of marriages, I'll let you give us the information in that respect.

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Any year, any marriage should be judged by the condition that we mentioned before which which are they are first tested to be tested for or to meet the conditions and we said before first condition that has to be

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an offer an acceptance from both sides, there should be well he should be witnesses should be not a secret should not be in secret.

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There is $1 Mark, given to the female. So these are the condition. So some of them, they're not accessed, the marriage will not be valid, like the first two condition, if there is no offer acceptance, that will not be valid. If there is nobody, the vast majority of the scars, that is not, it will not be valid as well. Also, if it's done in a very secretive way that nobody ever else, nobody else knows about it, it's somebody scar would say there's not going to be a valid marriage, if it's a temporary marriage, also, it's not going to be valid. So we have to meet these conditions, you name it, whatever name you want to name it like

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you call trophy or

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the customer ID and this is this metric has to meet the condition if it meets the condition, it's acceptable. If it doesn't meet the condition, it's not acceptable. What about comparing a marriage married, getting metaphor of toxic period,

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this type of marijuana exist before Islam it called the marriage of mata ajoy marriage, or temporary marriage, and it

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the Prophet sallallahu Sallam did not.

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Or the Sharia did not stop people from practicing this type of marriage in the early time of Islam. But the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said adding be part of the Allahu Akbar, behind reported in his sohei to Mecca and the time have had to enable backup that led the judge and a teenager to perform their first head. And I get all the alarm announced and that great gathering, that the mood to add marriage or this temporary marriage, God marriage is forbidden is not allowed anymore. That's why the type of student that he said this type of marriage is invalid. And it's not acceptable.

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But what about the marriage of misir? Say for instance, I'm a merchant. I travel to the States. Can I have I live there in the states and I live here in Cairo. And whenever I go to the state's eyes, there was a

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good good question.

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If Miss yar let me say, I don't know if there is any

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equal word to the word Miss era English because in a Western culture or the Muslim country live in the West, they don't have this type of marriage. It's at least it's not common.

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So Miss era, the mean by Miss era, somebody who will not be if we can use this word full time husband.

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It means when the wife gave up some of her rights, some of her rights either she said I don't need your financial support. I'm rich, I'm making money. I don't need you to support me financially. Okay? Or she said I don't need you to live with me. I'm for example, taking care of my mother. She's old. And whenever you come to the city, you will come to

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to my house or to spend the days that you're here with me I'm giving a minute. Is this allowed or not?

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Recently, the Muslim jurists and the Muslim board, they have annual meeting in Mecca. And they discuss this type of marriage and they said, it is allowed of the woman give up her rights. And this is will not cause harm, like for the mean by that, let's say she said, Okay, I don't mind if you don't come here all the time, maybe sometime some days in the month or whatever period of time they agree upon.

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But by staying away from her might cause a problem might cause that she will be in a status that she cannot control like herself, she she might be involved in what is how long before he will be involved in what is hot. And this case of the cannot protect themselves or this separation will cause problem to any one of them. This type of knowledge will not be allowed. So basically, they are capable of maintaining themselves in the right way or the according to the Islamic laws. And also it's by that it's a mutual consensus between both sides between both sides. And by the way, this is this remind me that one of the condition of marriage, that it has to be based on consistent

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acceptance from both sides and consents, yeah.

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So nobody can force his daughter to marry somebody, this will not be a valid marriage. What about

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our financial customer, imagine the some incidents when that is permitted. I mean, and the law, of course, it's not permitted. But from an Islamic point of view is that permitted, the the same group of scholars also said that this custom marriage or Murphy will not be allowed the way that people practicing today, in the sense that a boy and a girl in the college, but they do have to go to apartment just before before they have in sexual relationship is there, I marry you, you marry me, let's write this a piece of paper. And that's it. And she's allowed for me, or allies, our witness allows them the stavola, things like that Allah is the one who's handling automatic. And that's

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that's not this, this is this that you don't, you don't play games with a lot, you don't cheat on it. This is not the this is not the right way to get married. So this type of marriage is not acceptable in Islam, no doubt. And management meant to be in public. It's not meant to be in this closed doors, nobody, as if it is a relationship between a prostitute

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and a customer. This is not the way for relationship between a husband and wife budget. In some cases, they go to the doctor or a lawyer, and he does a contract for them. But it will not be documented by the government. So correct. In what cases? Again? I mean, that's the question again, I mean, in some cases are the certain cases where they all say marriage can be considered a proper Islamic marriage, the problem of the words odfi, it's different from earthfit mean custom. So custom is different from one country to another. We don't care about the custom here, we care about the condition. If it needs to condition, the value is there. There is witnesses there were offering

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acceptance from both sides. And her family knows about it. it's acceptable to meet the condition except you want to call it orofino on country on a color if it's up to you. Do we need to record this on the government paperwork has to be written? I think, yes, it has to be done in the proper way. If you live in a country, you have to be to be an obedient citizen, go with the law of your country, this law hamdallah cannot contradict the Islamic law. And the government put this law to protect your rights. What if this person died today? And somebody said, Now you have nothing to do with his heritage, and she cannot inherit anything from him. Now, the law meant to protect your

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right, you know, so this What have you said, Oh, that's not my son. I don't know about you. The things and there is there is examples. And there's stories we hear about it that

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people deny that ever had a relationship with this girl just basically because that has nothing to prove. Now we're saying that a lolly is a prerequisite for a valid marriage. But I've heard that a B man woman she's gonna marry again she doesn't need a wedding. This true. There she said she'd been married. She doesn't need a wedding. Some scholar said some scholar said that.

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If the woman if a woman is old, she has experience in life. She's intelligent. Some said that. Some said if she's divorced and because divorce usually the refer to divorce one

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Or a widow, because she had experienced a live she's not usually young, very young age. She's a mature woman she can decide on her behalf. Or she can decide if this man is right for her or not. So they said there's no need for a wedding. This opinion,

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in my opinion, is not a valid opinion. Why? If you say that, that means that the woman who's never been married before she, what do you mean? She's not intelligent, she can decide for herself? No, she can be intelligent, even if she's 18 or 19 years old. It's not about intelligent or not. It's not about beings who can judge is intelligent or not, who can judge she has experience, there is no definition for that. That's like, a very clear definition of intelligent or somebody who's experienced or old, how old 3040.

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Okay, it can be divorced, and she's only 18 years old. She can be widow, and she's only 19 years old. But about that? And they said no, if you whoever said that cannot come up, he couldn't come up with any criteria or a clear definition for the situation where he said, okay, you're allowed to worry without worry. And without or with welly that's one point. The second point, the profits are sometimes said clearly that

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marriage will not be valid without really

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very clear the process of them said that. And that is, is authentic, even though some people might try to criticize that simplicity of the idea, also actually a lot and have said, the difference between marriage and fornication is the way

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Imagine if somebody needed a girl and marry you, you marry me, that's a, you know, a loss. As she said, this is this usually what people when they go to forgive somebody, like with a prostitute that you he offered her money, she accepted the money, and now they go together. But the marriage, you know, the marriage is about, that's why I said the difference between fornication and marriage is the wedding and the witnesses and the dose that it's in public, it's nothing secret. Also, you see that aroma of the alarm and, and even the suit. And so many of the Sahaba and the companions of Prophet Salim said that if any woman married a man without wedding, her marriage is not valid. And

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they did not say if she's old or young, divorce or whether or, you know, they never mentioned that.

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And also here, one more point, I would like to why the Sharia put the Guardian as a condition in the marriage. And the marriage of like, if a girl wants to get married, she needs to have a guardian at a wedding to represent her in the mirror in the marriage. Is it because we don't trust woman is it because and now word is because

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male better than woman. Unfortunately, this is not the way we should look at this issue.

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There are scholars mentioned several benefits from having the one one,

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marriage is a very serious relationship, it means a commitment from a man to female to take care of her, it's basically they're going to share their future their life together. And this only also will continue even after that, that there will be married to each other in general shall not.

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So this is a very serious issue. In order for you to make the right decision, you have to have you have to know the full and the whole picture. Always the female look at the male from one perspective as a female. But when male deal with another male, he deal with him from another perspective. You know, when I see a guy, I look, I look at him and I deal with him from a different angle than a girl dealing with a guy. The girl sees something from the man and I see something else from him. That's why the snam want to give the girl the full picture, her perspective and the male perspective of the person she knows. So I cannot if I'm convinced with the person she's not she's not going to marry

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him. If I'm not convinced and she's convinced I just deliver my advice. And it's going to be up to her to accept or not and the end of the day. So Sam Won't the guards who have a very clear picture of the person, also the Guardian, the wedding, supposed to go and ask about the person, go to his job and investigate about the person. Imagine if a girl come to your

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college studying Carrie, you use this uncanny verse. If she comes to your class, and she said How's acmella I'm interesting and marry him.

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Is that proper?

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It's not proper. That's right. It's not proper, normal. It's not normal. It's something sounds wrong, you know? She goes to your work to never have to ask about you.

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What do you think about that if that would happen? I know

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Okay, so that's that's the wellies role to go on to investigate. Sheree the sheriff afraid that the woman will not have, as you say like the guts to go and ask him and investigate. So you will accept? No the surely I want somebody else go investigate and look and talk to the relatives and so on. So actually the sheer look after the benefit of the girl, when they when they surely I said the girl must have have Well, if you think about this, you will not differentiate between a divorced woman and a woman never been married? Or I

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think the people who said an old woman or divorce woman, she doesn't need money. They didn't realize the great wisdom behind

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what if the woman is not Muslim?

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Yeah. Okay. Does that make any difference? If the man if a Muslim is marrying a non Muslim? Yeah. And then they go, you know, who will be the only two that go? Okay. Let me ask this. The second part first, if she's not a Muslim,

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who's her wedding? Who is her body? There is a difference of opinions between the scholars about this, the vast majority of scholars said

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let me let me go back a little bit and say

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if there is a Muslim sister, her well he is not Muslim. Her Well, he is not Muslim, she's Muslim, but her What is not what she is she became Muslim and her father still Christian or Jewish or Buddhist or whatever religion, he believes in? He can he became her family.

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The vast majority of discuss it now. The vast majority said no, he cannot be her wedding. Some scholars said no, he still can be the wedding. He still can be the Willie. And if he abuses right as a well, he said I don't want you to marry a Muslim. And this case, her worry will be the judge or the. If she's a non Muslim country, the head of the Islamic center or the Imam of the masjid will be her, her lady. And personally, personally, I always tell the sister, the Convert sisters, go let your father represent you in the marriage.

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Why? Because I want the father to know that we cares about the family structure. We don't just ignore his existence, because being a father will not change by being Muslim or non Muslim. You're still a father, you're still the older brother, you're still a family member. It's a lovely change just because she became Muslim. She still has a relationship, she still will care about her most of the cases. So that's, that's something I always recommend to put him involved in the process. As if she's not Muslim, her family as her father's still, that there's no question about that, that she's still need a wedding. What is her father? Or her brother? Older brother father doesn't want to

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handle the marriage? No, I remember the proverb. I think it's English English proverb that said, My son is my son, and then he finds a wife, and my sister will be my sister for our life. My daughter, I'm sorry, my daughter will be my daughter for our hair life.

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Yeah, sure. Excellent.

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Going back to the point you said about the num, the number of also marrying a non Muslim.

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non Muslim, there's two types of numbers non Muslim was a Christian or Jew and non Muslim was doesn't believe in any book or he believed or he has other faiths then other than Christianity and Judaism,

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Christians and Jews

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and Islam allowed marrying from their females with the condition that they should be lost on it well my son abdomen and Latina autokey cap as of last month, I said and so on. And now either they are less than a messiah chested woman. The woman will do not practice adultery, who do not practice Zina, basically.

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And this woman is not allowed to marry.

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Even if she's Muslim, you're not allowed to marry such woman until she pinned on a tie. And she has to be among the People of the Book, people the book, it doesn't mean that she has to believe in the pure Christian the original message of Jesus. No Christian it means a person who is Christian even if you believe Jesus God or

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The Son of God is still considered Christian. So the Christian today the Jews today they are the Jews and Christians who used to be existed the process of time.

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The same belief, the same belief, basically, also the scholar said, even if there is new groups or new sects among Christians or Jews appear, they will take the roles of Christian and Jew, like for example, the time from the time of the prophet SAW Selim, there were no, Mormons. Mormons is a new sector in Christianity. But can you married a girl who's Mormons? She's my son, if you think you're just being Yes, this girl said yes, she takes the same route.

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If she's not Christian, she's not the Jew.

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Now, Allah subhanaw taala said, what are some Sukkot guests on MacArthur Don't be married to a Catholic woman, a non Muslim, other than the people of the book because there is no exception

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for the people the book because those the people power lie, if you look through the history of Islam, Muslims interact with the most. What about that's if, of course it was, the man is marrying a Muslim female. What about the opposite, if it's a Muslim female who wants to marry a non Muslim man, and Islam, it's very clear that a female believer cannot marry cannot marry a non Muslim and not Muslim, Allah subhanaw taala. So

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don't let that the male disbeliever marry a female believer until they convert to Islam until they became Muslim. And we know the history of them. And the Prophet sallallahu condemns the process on time. And then we propose to a Muslim woman and she said, my mom will be your Islam, you have to be Muslim, in order for me to marry you. And so that's something that is a consensus among the scholars about it, that a female Muslim, cannot marry a non Muslim, even if he is among the people of book. The reason for that, the reason for that?

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You know, for me, as a Muslim male, I have respect, I believe in Jesus, I believe in Moses, I believe in David, I believe in the Torah, I believe in the Bible, I believe in the book,

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which they believe in general, I do have respect for that I believe in it's part of my belief, but it could go the other way around. But it's not the same case. They don't believe in Mohammed, they don't believe in Quran is a word of God. Because if they do, they have to follow it. You know, even if they have some, even some of them are so many of them, they have respect for Islam, they have respect for the, for the book, we believe it. But the rule comes as a general rule for all the time, all the situation. So Islam, if you think about a male married to non Muslim, or a Christian female, because you believe that she is among the people of book, you have so much respect and believe in

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her religion as a religion with revealed from Allah. But if you go to the other way around, it's not the same case. It's not the same case, Islam afraid that she will be abused, she will not her religion will not be recognized. And also because of the children,

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the children that like, this is also something Islam look after, because usually, they'll have or husbands have more influence on them and on the children's than females in the sense that custody can take them away. He's the provider on so on.

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But we'll take

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We'll take a short break. And we'll be back in a few moments with some more questions, of course, and we'll continue the topic with shipping. Now, we've spoken about the intent of marriage and different types of marriages and of course, marrying a non Muslim as well, if we were to move now to post marriage or the relationship between the husband and the wife. But before we start, I have a question. Okay. What if after marriage, the wife becomes a Muslim, while the husband is still a non Muslim? Can she continue marriage or we have to separate between them? Okay, if it's good question.

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If the woman converted to Islam or became Muslim, and her husband did not accept to sign to be his religion, what's the what's the situation here? What's the solution?

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This woman has to tell her husband, that I can live with you. If you don't accept this not because I'm not allowed to do that. And she can give him as much as you want time to think about this. She can wait a week, two weeks a month. Whatever time she wants, until she feel that he is not willing to change. It's not going to

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except her, his wives, new fate, you know,

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but during this period, the scars that she's not allowed to have a sexual relationship with him, like to have intercourse.

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In that

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period of time of if he became Muslim, he became Muslim, she doesn't need to renew the contract, it doesn't need to make a new contract, their marriage will be valid and just the continue the life

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the relationship between the Muslim husband and his Muslim wife

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on on the mic as well and as a matter of fact, other certain characteristics of how this relationship should be built between the husband and wife.

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Yes, almost panic to Allah, ouches, three, three verses on, I think they described and they just beautifully described the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife. I was part of the Allah said that when he created for us spouses, child avena kumala, that.

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So there will be love and mercy. Any house has to be based on these two pillars, love and mercy. Sometimes the love goes up and down. But if there's mercy in the house, believe me this mercy can save so many houses from collapsing to the collapse. That's why a lot of the Alliance said not every house among the Muslim is based on lover, that not everybody really go deep. And this can be any, we call this strong love between them. But if there is mercy, the marriage can survive. But if there is no mercy, and there is no love marriage counselor, but it became a disaster. That's one two, Allah Subhana Allah when he described the relationship between male and female, he made it a very

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beautiful way in Arabic

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language, when alabaster lechem were untimely, bachelorhood, they're like close for you, and your like clothes for the question here.

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What caused me to you? What do you think about clothes, it means the closest thing to you. So your wife and your husband must be the closest thing to you? What clothes means? Imagine if you without clothes, you look terrible. We we put those to purify ourselves, you know, I feel that I'm ugly. Without my wife, I feel I'm not complete without my I'm incomplete without my wife. incomplete without my husband, I feel this is I need her. And she needs me. You know, imagine a server by itself and a person like that as if you put it on, you became more beautiful this is, this is the way it is. It's like

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they said it's like the cereal, the spoon, you know,

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in a spoon, that's fun to do this year. But that's the nature of it. Also, clothes, protect you. And that's the marriage protective. Also clothes make you warm. And that's the relationship between men and a woman when they married each other. There's a warm relationship. Also, when you have your clothes on, you're comfortable. You know, that should be comfortable, it's done to be tight or too loose, has to be careful and you adapt. You get used to it, you know, you actually when you wear like pants several times, it fits your eyes and became like in your size and you fit in it perfectly. And this is the marriage it should be something you feel comfortable once you feel

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comfortable with you when when you are with your wife or when you're with your husband. So call it has so many meanings even more than what I just mentioned. But the third verse I would like to share with you. It's a beautiful verse also. And related to this last month, I said, What I wouldn't admit maybe this is general. And this is the key for success. And this matter. They have the same rights that you have. And when another word, whatever you expect from her, you should or she should also expect the same thing from you. They've been Ambassador the alarm and once was seen fixing his hair and putting perfume while he is entering his house.

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So the students said,

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No, this weird, you know, usually you prefer to fix yourself and he got out. He was doing the opposite. He said

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I'm expecting my wife to be ready for me when I walk into the house. So I want her to be ready for me I should be ready for her. And he recited this verse when I wouldn't admit to him. You know the problem so many times we ask about our rights, but we don't think about their rights. You know, and always in Islam. There is

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mutual responsibility, as Islam give you something he asked me to do something that has duties and responsibilities, because the nature of the rules. So this verse clearly saying, whatever you expect from her, you should

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you want her to treat you with respect, you treated respect. You want to treat her, you want her to treat you to consult you, you should also consult her, if she expecting him, to respect them with respect her she should respect and also it's like a cooperation. It's like a company, we have to work the home in a way that we we really share the responsibility. And I just, I love this verse, because really, it's I think it's the basis of justice, I wonder about haunt us. Are there certain duties that the woman sorry, say that again. But home tasks, cooking, washing, cleaning, is the oldest facility of women or men has to share this process with her. I think that ties in a bit with

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the fact that some males tend to neglect that they have any responsibilities to provide themselves as well. But it's always the female the wife we should do. The prophets are silent canopy missionary and the prophets of Salaam used to help his wife used to help his wife

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in her in their in his heart in his house. The prophets Selim Anasazi, Allah and said about him that he 14 years he never asked Ennis to do anything for him as his servant. He never asked Ennis, are they allowed to do this to him? Or to do that? And he never asked him why you didn't do this? Or why didn't do that? All you need, do whatever he wants by himself, the person is not afraid to ask people to do you know, try to do this with your wife. Just one day. Don't ask her to do anything for you. Do it yourself. Right?

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She might get

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used to it. This is the problem. The problem is we think in from only mano thinking one way that you think, okay, you don't want me to ask you also you have to do your your part as well. As well, you tried to help me because the wife supposed to help her husband, to provide for as he provide money and bring income to the house to the table, she should take care of the table, you know, and help him to have a comfortable place to live in. So it's a it's a mutual responsibility. And generally I was I always do what I have to do, regardless of the other party, that his part or not, this is my way. It's my philosophy in life, but like I have to treat you good. I don't if you don't treat me

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good. Or even treat me fair. I will treat you fair. You see I'm saying so

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as much as we can spread this meaning in our houses I think our house will be but when I have my wife at home At home desk, I don't voluntarily I'm not obliged by the Minister. Yeah, to do it. I don't want to say something that's the sister will take advantage of this.

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There is a difference of opinion between the scholars f the F the wife even has to do this. She's obligated to serve you and oh,

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there is different opinion. The vast majority of Philco ha said yes it's up it's part of her duty to curve to make the house clean but some folk odd also it's an opinion exists among the folk I said no she's not but

00:33:33--> 00:34:08

but also something in related to the nature of relationship between husband wife it's not we're not in a court. What is my right is she's not employee and you are not employees. She's not your boss. You're not terrible. Don't treat your home like the way you treat a company or a job it's different in job it's nothing my job prescription you see I'm saying but in home we don't do that in home you know I love to help her to make her happy. She loves to do that because she wants to make me happy. You know we want to live like a

00:34:09--> 00:34:15

happy life that's why I'm doing this I'm not doing this because I have to I don't need

00:34:16--> 00:34:47

a text from a four iron or Sunnah to tell me help my wife or cook for my husband. If we start going this way should be willing to do it yourself is not going to be good life You should be willing to do it yourself. I mean it's it's it's not obligatory neither for her or for you to actually do it. It's a given take. Yeah, that's why it's not actually I like that. There is a general tone held one another. You know, she should make you happy and you should make her happy. So this up to you live in good. Well, I should

00:34:48--> 00:34:59

live in good. How can you find good, whatever we agree upon that is good. ever considered a good way of talking good way of treating the person

00:35:00--> 00:35:06

Up to you, that's the way I would like to see our home. We want to do that because when I help one another,

00:35:08--> 00:35:11

okay, my family sees that, you know,

00:35:12--> 00:35:19

what should be only at home and then the husband must be outside means that they're working this is

00:35:21--> 00:35:31

the normal situation that there is responsibility and there's duties. If both parents are outside the home, who's taking care of the house, taking the kids, when

00:35:32--> 00:35:33

the wife outside the

00:35:34--> 00:36:18

advisor sign, or vice versa, it's not the normal situation, it's not the normal situation, only there is need for the wife to go outside she she got if there is need for that, and it's not going to cause a problem, or it will not affect in a negative way your children are. So if she can sort those out together, for example, give enough time for her work and enough time for for the home as well be it that it's difficult. But if she can, then that is something that isn't that's acceptable. Is that correct? Or not? If there is need for that? And by the the, the husband agree on that. And that made us Lamech conditions? Yes, it's acceptable, it is acceptable. And nowadays, we have

00:36:18--> 00:36:59

housemaid and so it's no problem at all. So what do you think on that? Even in the old days, they have housemate? You know, it's very common is the profits on a lot of housemates, and, you know, servants and slaves and serving in the house, but, but never meant that it means I leave my children to the house presence, their presence, the presence of the of the Father, and the mother is something no doubt every woman, every woman who know, the realize the real, the hard task, actually in the marriage is to raise this new generation and taking care of taking care of your husband is I think, just being alive, that's a full time job.

00:37:01--> 00:37:24

Yeah, sure, I'm sure that the wife to her husband at the beginning is a stranger, as well as the husband to his to his wife, how can we deal with each other at the beginning of it my wife, given that they are of different backgrounds, socially and culturally, from educational background, they've never been alone with the door closed behind them, it's just the two of them now.

00:37:26--> 00:37:31

Yeah, and another word, how can we break the ice? You know, how can we

00:37:32--> 00:37:34

how can we make these two

00:37:35--> 00:37:41

maybe different people live together became like one soul, you know, the, the our partner zone

00:37:42--> 00:37:48

pairs, you know, they, they come to share everything together. No doubt, this is a

00:37:49--> 00:38:03

very critical procedure. And the first or the earlier, the earliest period of time, marriage is all the most difficult part. Because you get to know her, she knows you.

00:38:04--> 00:38:48

I have several advisors related to this one, make sure that you don't say she had to adapt my culture, she has to change herself to be like me. Or this the other way around, they tell her that she changed him from his like, make his like a doll you can do him make him like a ring in your in your your finger, you know, everybody think that he is going to stand up here and the other person will come to Him will change himself for him or for her. This mentality is not going to help you to have a stable and long term marriage, then I lost my data set. And he you read that?

00:38:49--> 00:39:32

spiritual, a you read as lightning, if both of them want to make peace or to come back to each other. Allah will give them success. A lot of them say if he wants to have her back, or if she wants, it has to be both. It means this will comes from both sides. Don't ever say she has to come to me or she has to change ourselves to be no make sure that you understand this. She has her own culture. She has her own way of thinking she has her own habits and hoppy don't expect that you're going to change everything for you. And the same thing sister she's not expect the man to change everything for her. This mentality that Oh, you have to change you have to meet me. No, we have to

00:39:32--> 00:39:33

meet each other one way in the middle.

00:39:34--> 00:39:35

That's that's

00:39:36--> 00:39:37

also one thing.

00:39:39--> 00:39:42

We have to know this is going to happen over the time handle I have

00:39:43--> 00:39:57

enough time to do go through this transition. Don't rush. Don't try to don't feel like Oh, you're going to feel comfortable 100% from the first day or first week. It takes time to understand each other.

00:39:59--> 00:39:59

It's a joke, okay.

00:40:00--> 00:40:14

It's not true. One guy told his mother once, Mom, I have problem in my marriage and your expert. And she said, Son, you know, it's always the first 25 years in your marriage.

00:40:15--> 00:40:20

Sometimes after that, everything will be fine, because one of you is going to be that

00:40:23--> 00:40:48

this is a solution. No, just just don't rush to change, you know, it's gonna take your time, and things will come graduate. Also, so many people do this for the first night, like, in the first 90, he feels like everything is gonna be like, comfortable and, you know, do the whole nine yards, you know, so

00:40:50--> 00:40:56

it's not gonna work this way. That's why the scholar said, take your time to teach yourself and, and things like that.

00:40:57--> 00:41:35

Maybe these days, so few people need to take these steps because they already know each other, before married. But anyway, we talk about the idea that you need, in any case, a bit of understanding and take it slowly, like they say, and you have to live with your difference, we have to send exactly our difference. You have to know that your wife has her own taste and laughter spectrum. And you have to have your as your husband has his own tastes and things that he likes respect that. And the smart woman and the smart man is the one who knows his wives very well and try to

00:41:36--> 00:41:39

communicate good with her, you know?

00:41:40--> 00:41:48

And then, and he's well known that he is like, no, he knows a woman very well. And he's good experience he was asked

00:41:49--> 00:41:57

wasn't Muslim, he was asked, What's the secret that you're so expert with? woman? What's the secret? To understand woman?

00:41:59--> 00:42:05

He said the secret behind that, that in two things, chocolate and conversation.

00:42:08--> 00:42:34

I don't know about the first one. But the second one, definitely conversation. communication is the key. How to make a good to be to communicate in the right way. You know, the smart woman to know the one who will know what her husband wants, without him talking. He knows what she wants without her talk, be considerate, understand that she has her own live. And if you don't know how woman function,

00:42:36--> 00:42:43

most people don't, because Allah only knows how people function that way. But if you don't have to

00:42:45--> 00:42:54

ask no shy to ask what you like, what you don't like, you know, things like that, that there was something about

00:42:56--> 00:43:11

the role that families play, not just the man and his wife, for example. Usually it's more of a marriage of families. Do you think that the families play an important role after the marriage as well? Yeah, of course. Because you know,

00:43:13--> 00:43:20

everybody has their own role. They have to play their roles are excited about meeting your future mother in law.

00:43:23--> 00:43:25

It depends sometimes, like worst

00:43:27--> 00:43:35

You know, this is something in this something very bad. I think the major responsible for that some movies responsible that some jokes, maybe some.

00:43:37--> 00:43:50

Yeah, it's like she's a scary, you know, the boogey woman, you know, come out of the closet jumping you, you know, even they said, the luckiest day of your life. You walk with your mom, your mother in law, and she fell off the brake.

00:43:51--> 00:44:04

The bad, the bad, like, is she gonna survive? You know, that's evil. That's an evil statement. This evil job is not that's not right. Your mother in law should be so close to you should be lucky that you have an extra mother she treated like a mother.

00:44:05--> 00:44:46

Either or ham our mother in laws or something you're scared. The problem is when the mother low thing that she has to take the girl away from her family, or your mom thing that her role is to take your wife away from her family and her mom thing that's her role in life is to bring you to them and take you away from your family. If you start thinking this way, this is a problem. This is wrong. This is not an Islamic way of thinking. And we have to know when we get married, we bring two families together. You know, I'm part of her family and she's part of my family. We have to understand the nature of this unique relationship. We should take this as an advantage not as a

00:44:46--> 00:44:59

disadvantage, because I'm expanding my relationship. Is there a way that we've now gone beyond getting to know each other and marriage and how can a wife and her and her husband

00:45:00--> 00:45:43

maintain a strong marriage, a loving marriage, you know that sometimes when people get in the middle of the troubles of life and the difficulties that the nice small words the affection, the warmth that's lost somehow in between how can you maintain something like that? I think the best example I can give is the example. The best example for all humanity is Prophet Mohammed Salah Moses, I'm talking about men in his 50s, late 50s, and 60 years old, he's still telling his wife that he loves her, he loves her. But also like, that's the name of she's the love of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, if you look at the prophecies of the way he used to treat them, if, you

00:45:43--> 00:45:44

know, they said,

00:45:46--> 00:46:02

This cystic say, if a person says to his wife, every day, at least 12 times I love you, love you, it will have so much good impact in their life in their marriage life. And by the way, you can save 30 times if you want.

00:46:05--> 00:46:45

But this is by it's a study been done. And they found the person who said to his wife 12 times at least I love you this relationship became so strong. You know, some parents do feel shy to say that in front of their kids in front of their children's neighbors are seldom said that in front of his companions that he loves actually the most. That's more to be said also, when you talk about like the people who counseling the, or a marriage counselor, they will tell you, small things has more effect than big things. Do you know that the rows that you leave it in your wife's bed has more effect on hair, maybe then 1000 dots you give it to her? I don't know about that. But

00:46:46--> 00:47:27

some people say that, but believe me these small things, when you walk by her and cover her, when you say the nicest word, see the profit of selling used to eat from the same place or he would drink from the same spot, we're actually a drunk or eight, the process of selling will share with her the same food, the processing will take shower with her the processor when he goes to sleep, he will take off the shirt. So his wife skin will touch his skin. The profits are solid. When he wants Sophia to ride the camel. You know what he did? He put his knee so Sophia stepped on his thigh and ride the camel, like opening the door for why she doesn't need to walk behind you. She doesn't need

00:47:27--> 00:47:37

to be treated with Norris. These small things you do for your wife you do for your husband? Believe me has It's like magic changed the person around?

00:47:39--> 00:47:47

You know, for the first time ever, you can see everything is dislike romantic? No. But after maybe 10 years, maybe we get rebounds.

00:47:48--> 00:48:00

Maybe these are these are some of the answers. I think I think keeping that in mind that your love should grow, should not die. And if you maintain it the way I said you have to be patient you have to be

00:48:02--> 00:48:41

understand understanding of the other person you have to can to look at the process and have as a role model. I'm sorry to say that. When we think about traumatic life, we don't look to the process of selling life. When we done that when we think about love, we think about girlfriends and boyfriends. Actually, this is what puts in some people's mind. Love is out of marriage. You know that's common. I heard from young brothers and sister telling me love die when marriage start or love end with marriage. So the end the small things make a difference in marriage is not an end in itself. It's the beginning of the offer of a true love of a jeweler. Yes. Okay. I'd like to thank Of

00:48:41--> 00:48:54

course she was asuni for joining us on the program. I'd like to thank Muhammad more and acknowledge the pleasure of you all with us. We'll be back again soon with a new episode and more topics to talk about here on YouTube and his Muslim wife,

00:48:56--> 00:49:05

on on on with the wife as well and as a matter of fact, other certain characteristics of how this relationship should be built between the husband and wife.

00:49:06--> 00:49:28

Yes, I was planning to Allah, ouches, three, three verses on I think they describe and they just beautifully describe the nature of the relationship between the husband and wife. I was part of the Allah said that when he created for us spouses kind of beta kumala that a lot.

00:49:29--> 00:49:59

So there will be love and mercy. Any house has to be based on these two pillars, love and mercy. Sometimes the love goes up and down. But if there's mercy in the house, believe me this mercy can save so many houses from collapsing to be collapsed. That's why a lot of the airline said not every house among the Muslims based on lovely that not everybody really go deep and this can be any good

00:50:00--> 00:50:18

We call this strong love between them. But if there is mercy, the marriage can survive. But if there is no mercy, and there is no love marriage counseling, and became a disaster, that's one, two, Allah Subhana Allah when he described the relationship between male and female, he made it a very beautiful way in Arabic

00:50:20--> 00:50:29

language. When alabaster lakum or antimony bachelorhood, they're like clothes for you. And your like clothes for them. The question here,

00:50:30--> 00:51:09

what caused me to you, when you think about clothes, it means the closest thing to you. So your wife and your husband must be the closest thing to you? What's close me. Imagine if you without clothes, you look terrible. We, we put those to purify ourselves, you know, I feel that I'm ugly. Without my wife, I feel I'm not complete without my I'm incomplete without my wife, incomplete without my husband, I feel this is I need her. And she needs me, you know, imagine is served by itself and a person like that is if you put it on, it became more beautiful this is, this is the way it is. It's like

00:51:11--> 00:51:13

they said, it's like the cereal, the spoon, you know.

00:51:15--> 00:52:00

It's a spoon. We'll do this year. But that's the nature of it. Also, clothes, protect you. And that's the marriage protect you. Also close Micky ward. And that's the relationship between men and a woman when they married each other. There's a warm relationship. Also, when you have your clothes on, you're comfortable. You know, that should be comfortable, it's done to be tight or too loose, has to be covered and you adapt. You get used to it, you know, you actually when you wear like pants several times, it fits your eyes. It became like in your size, and you fit in it perfectly. And this is the marriage, it should be something you feel comfortable once you feel comfortable with you when

00:52:00--> 00:52:44

when you are with your wife or when you're with your husband. So close it has so many meanings even more than what I just mentioned. But the third verse I would like to share with you a beautiful verse, also related to this last month, Allah said, Well, I wouldn't admit when maybe this is general. And this is the key for success. And this matter, they have the same rights that you have in it when another word, whatever you expect from her, you should or she should also expect the same thing from you. They've been Ambassador the law and once was seen fixing his hair and putting perfume while he is entering his house.

00:52:45--> 00:52:47

So the students said,

00:52:48--> 00:52:56

No, this this weird, you know, usually you prefer to fix yourself. When he got out. He was doing the opposite. He said,

00:52:57--> 00:53:32

I'm expecting my wife to be ready for me when I walk into the house. So I want her to be ready for me, I should be ready for her. And he recited this verse, When I wouldn't admit it to him. You know, the problem. So many times we ask about our rights, but we don't think about their rights. You know, and always in Islam, there is a mutual responsibility, as Islam give you something, he asked you to do something that has duties and responsibilities, because the nature of the rules. So this verse clearly saying, whatever you expect from her, it shows

00:53:34--> 00:54:22

you, you won't hurt to treat you with respect, you treated respect. You want to treat her you want her to treat you to consult you, you should also consult her. And if she expecting him, to respect them with respect her she should respect and also it's like a cooperation. It's like a company we have to work the home in a way that we we really share the responsibility. And I just I love this verse because really it's I think it's the basis of justice. I wonder about homeless? Are there certain duties that the woman sorry, say that again, but home tasks, cooking, washing, cleaning, is the oldest facility of women or men has to share this process with her. I think that ties in a bit

00:54:22--> 00:54:40

with the fact that some males tend to neglect that they have any responsibilities to provide themselves as well, but it's always the female the wife should do. The prophet SAW Southern canopy missionary and the prophets of Salaam used to help his wife used to help his wife

00:54:42--> 00:55:00

in her in their in his home in his house. The Prophet Selim Anasazi, Allah and said about him that he 14 years he never asked us to do anything for him. And this is his service. He never asked us all the time to do this to him or to do that. And he never

00:55:00--> 00:55:16

asking why you didn't do this? Or why didn't do that? All you need to do whatever he wants by himself, the person not of his habit to ask people to do, you know, try to do this with your wife, just one day, don't ask her to do anything for you do it yourself. Right?

00:55:18--> 00:55:19

She might get used to it.

00:55:21--> 00:56:06

This is the problem. The problem is, we think in from only mono, thinking one way that you think, okay, you don't want me to ask you also you have to do your your problem as well. As well, you tried to help me because the wives supposed to help her husband, to provide for as he provide money and bring income to the house to the table, she should take care of the table, you know, and help him to have a comfortable place to live in. So it's a it's a mutual responsibility. And generally, I would say I always do what I have to do, regardless of the other party that has sparked or not, this is my way. It's my philosophy in life. But like, I have to treat you good. I don't if you don't treat me

00:56:06--> 00:56:11

good. Or even treat me fair. I will treat you fair. You see, I'm saying so

00:56:12--> 00:56:26

as much as we can spread this meaning in our houses, I think our house will be but when I have my wife at home At home, voluntarily, I'm not obliged by the Minister. Yeah, to do it. I don't want to say something that's the sister will take advantage of this.

00:56:27--> 00:56:35

There is a difference of opinion between the scholars, if the M, the wife even has to do this. She's obligated to serve you and oh,

00:56:36--> 00:56:50

there is different opinion. The vast majority of fuqaha said yes, it's up it's part of her duty to curve to make the house clean. But some folk odd. Also, it's an opinion exists among the folks that said, No, she's not. But

00:56:52--> 00:57:27

but also something in related to the nature friction between husband wife, it's not we're not in a court. What is Myra, she's not employee. And you are not employees. She's not your boss, you're not terrible. Don't treat your home, like the way you treat a company or a job, it's different. In Job, it's nothing my job prescription. You see, I'm saying, but in home, we don't do that in home, you know, I love to help her to make her happy. She loves to do that, because she wants to make me happy. You know, we want to live like

00:57:28--> 00:57:34

a happy life. That's why I'm doing this. I'm not doing this because I have to I don't need

00:57:35--> 00:58:17

a text from a Fortran or Santa to tell me help my wife or cook for my husband. If we start going this way you should be willing to do it yourself is not going to be good live, you should be willing to do it yourself. I mean, it's it's, it's not obligatory neither for her or for you to actually do it. It's a give and take. Yeah, that's why it's not actually I like that sugar is a general term, help one another, you know, she should make you happy and you should make her happy. So this up to you live in good. Why should our loving good, how can divine good, whatever we agree upon that is good, ever considered a good way of talking good wave 3d.

00:58:18--> 00:58:25

This is up to you. That's the way I would like to see our home. We want to do that. Because when I help one another.

00:58:27--> 00:58:30

Okay, my family sees that, you know,

00:58:31--> 00:58:38

what should be only at home and then the husband must be outside means that the routine is the consumption of

00:58:40--> 00:58:50

the normal situation that there is responsibility, and there's duties if both parents are outside the home, who's taking care of the house to the kids, but if

00:58:51--> 00:58:52

the wife outside the

00:58:53--> 00:59:38

advisor sign or vice versa, it's not the normal situation. It's not the normal situation, only there is need for the wife to go outside. And she she got if there is need for that, and it's not going to cause a problem or it will not affect in a negative way your children are. So if she can sort both out together, for example, I've given enough time for her work and enough time for for the home as well be it that it's difficult. But if she can, then that is something that isn't that's acceptable. Is that correct or not? If there is need for that, and by the the the husband agree on that and to meet the Islamic conditions. Yes, it's acceptable, it is acceptable. And nowadays we have housemaid

00:59:38--> 00:59:59

and so it's no problem at all. So what do you think on that? Even in the old days, they have housemate? You know, it's very common is the prophets on a lot of housemates and as you know, servants and slaves and in the serving in the house, but but never meant that it means I leave my children to the house presence, their presence, the presence of the of the Father and them

01:00:00--> 01:00:18

There is something about every woman, every woman who know, the realize the real, the hard task, actually in the marriage is to raise this new generation and taking care of taking care of your husband is, I think, just being alive. That's a full time job.

01:00:20--> 01:00:43

Yeah, sure, I'm sure that the wife to her husband at the beginning is a stranger, as well as the husband to his to his wife, how can we deal with each other at the beginning of it, my wife, given that they are of different backgrounds, socially and culturally, from educational background, they've never been alone with the door closed behind them, it's just the two of them now.

01:00:45--> 01:00:50

Yeah, and another word, how can we break the ice? You know, how can we

01:00:51--> 01:00:53

how can we make these two

01:00:54--> 01:01:00

maybe different people left together became like one soul, you know, the, the our partner zone,

01:01:01--> 01:01:07

parents, you know, they, they come to share everything together. No doubt, this is a

01:01:08--> 01:01:22

very critical procedure. And the first or the, the earlier, the earliest period of time, marriage is all the most difficult part. Because you get to know her, she knows you.

01:01:23--> 01:02:07

I have several advisors related to this one, make sure that you don't say she had to adapt my culture, she has to change herself to be like me. Or this the other way around, they tell her, you should change him from his like, make his like a doll, you can do him, make him like a ring in your in your in your finger. You know, everybody think that he is going to stand up here and the other person will come to him, will change himself for him or for her. This mentality is not going to help you to have a stable and long term marriage, then let's find out to sit and hold on he you read that?

01:02:08--> 01:02:51

spiritual, you read as lightning, if both of them want to make peace or to come back to each other, Allah will give them success. A lot of them say if he wants to have her back, or if she wants, it has to be both. It means this will comes from both sides. Don't ever say she has to come to me, or she has to change ourselves to be no make sure that you understand this. She has her own culture. She has her own way of thinking she has her own habits and hoppy. Don't expect that you're going to change everything for you. And the same thing, sister, she's not expect the man to change everything for her. This mentality that Oh, you have to change, you have to meet me. No, we have to meet each

01:02:51--> 01:02:56

other one way in the middle that appointed them. And that's, that's, that's wonderful. Yeah. Also, one thing

01:02:58--> 01:03:01

we have to know this is going to happen over the time handle, I have

01:03:02--> 01:03:16

enough time to do go through this transition. Don't rush. Don't try to don't feel like Oh, you're gonna feel comfortable 100% from the first day or first week, it takes time to understand each other.

01:03:18--> 01:03:33

It's a joke, okay, it's not true. One guy told his mother once, Mom, I have problem in my marriage and your expert. And she said, Son, you know, it's always the first 25 years in your marriage.

01:03:34--> 01:03:39

Sometimes after that, everything will be fine, because one of you is going to be that

01:03:42--> 01:04:07

this is a solution. No, just just don't rush to change, you know, it's gonna take your time, and things will come graduate. Also, so many people, they do this the first night, like in the first 90, he feel like everything's gonna be like, comfortable and, you know, do the whole nine yards, you know? So

01:04:09--> 01:04:15

it's not gonna work this way. That's why the scholar said, take your time to ditch yourself and things like that.

01:04:16--> 01:04:54

Maybe these days. So few people need to take these steps because they already know each other, before married. But anyway, we talk about the idea that you need, in any case, a bit of understanding and take it slowly like they say, and you have to live with your difference. We have to send exactly our difference. You have to know that your wife has her own taste and laughter respect that and you have to have your as your husband has his own tastes and things that he likes respect that and the smart woman and a smart man, the one who knows his wife very well and try to

01:04:55--> 01:04:58

communicate good with her. You know

01:04:59--> 01:04:59

and then

01:05:00--> 01:05:07

And he's well know that he is like, no, he knows a woman very well. And he's good experience he was asked.

01:05:09--> 01:05:17

It wasn't Muslim, he was asked, What's the secret that you're so expert with? woman? What's the secret? To understand woman?

01:05:18--> 01:05:24

He said the secret behind that, that in two things, chocolates and conversation

01:05:27--> 01:05:53

out and about the first one, but the second one, definitely conversation. communication is the key. How to make a good to be to communicate in the right way. You know, the smart woman, the know, the one who will know what her husband wants, without him talking. He knows what she wants without her talk, be considerate understand that she has her own life. And if you don't know how woman function,

01:05:55--> 01:06:02

most people don't, because a lot only knows how people function that way. But if you don't have to

01:06:04--> 01:06:13

ask, there's no shy to ask what you like, what you don't like, you know, things like that, that there was something about

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the role that families play, not just the man and his wife, for example. Usually it's more of a marriage of families. Do you think that the families play an important role after the marriage as well? Yeah, of course. Because you know,

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everybody has their own role. They have to play their roles are excited about meeting your future mother in law.

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Sometimes, they're like worst

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You know, this is something this is something very bad. I think the media responsible for that some movies responsible that some jokes. Some

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true yeah, it's like she's a scary you know, the boogey woman you know, come out of the closet jump on you. You know, even the said, the luckiest day in your life. You walk with your mom, your mother in law, and she fell off the brake.

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The bad the bad, like is she gonna survive? You know, that's evil. That's an evil statement. This evil job. That's not that's not right. Your mother in law should be so close to you should be lucky that you have an extra mother she treated like a mother.

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Either work ham, our mother in law, it's all something you scared. The problem is when the mother lode thing that she has to take the girl away from her family, or your mom thing that her role is to take your wife away from her family, and her mom thing that's her role in life is to bring you to them and take you away from your family. If you start thinking this way, this is a problem. This is wrong. This is not an Islamic way of thinking. And we have to know when we get married, we bring two families together. You know, I'm part of her family, and she's part of my family. We have to understand the nature of this unique relationship. We should take this as an advantage not as a

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disadvantage, because I'm expanding my relationship. Is there a way that we've now gone beyond getting to know each other and marriage and how can a wife and her and her husband maintain a strong marriage a loving marriage, you know that sometimes when people get in the middle of the troubles of life and the difficulties that the the nice small words the affection, the warmth that's lost somehow in between? How can you maintain something like that? I think the best example, I can give us the example. The best example for all humanity is Prophet Mohammed Salah.

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I'm talking about men in his 50s, late 50s and 60 years old, he's still telling his wife that he loves her. He told her that he loves her. But also like, that's the name of she's the love of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, if you look at the prophecies of the way he used to treat them, if you know they said

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this, the cystic say, if a person says to his wife every day, at least 12 times I love you. I love you. It will have so much good impact in their life in their marriage life. And by the way, you can save 30 times if you want.

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But this is by it's a study been done and they found the person who said his wife 12 times at least I love you this relationship became so strong. You know some parents do feel shy to say that in front of their kids in front of their children's neighbors are seldom said that in front of his companions that he loves actually the most. That's more to be said also when you talk about like the people who counseling the or marriage counselor, they will tell you small things has more effect than big things. Do you know that the rows that you leave it in your wives bed has more effect on hair, maybe then

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$1,000 you give it to her. I don't know about that. But maybe some people said that, but believe me these small things when you walk by her and cover her, when you say the nicest word, see the little salad used to eat from the same place, or he would drink from the same spot where I showed up drunk or ate, the profits of cinemas showed her the same food, the processing will take shower with her, the processor, when he goes to sleep, he will take off the shirt. So his wife skin will touch his skin. The profits are solid, when he wants Sophia to ride the camel, you know what he did? He put his knee Sophia stepped on his thigh and ride the camel, like opening the door for why she doesn't

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need to walk behind you. She doesn't need to be treated with Norris. But these small things you do for your wife you do for your husband? Believe me has It's like magic achieved the person.

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You know, for the first time ever, you can see everything is dislike romantic, you know, but after maybe 10 years, maybe we get a rebound. So

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these are these are some of the answers. I think I think keeping that in mind that your love should grow, should not die. And if you maintain it the way I said you have to be patient you have to be

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understand understanding of the other person you have to can to look at the process and have as a role model. I'm sorry to say that. When we think about traumatic life, we don't look to the process of selling life. When we done that when we think about love, we think about girlfriends and boyfriends. Actually, this is what's put in some people's minds. Love is out of marriage. You know that's common. I heard from young brothers and sister telling me love die when marriage start or love end with marriage. So at the end, the small things make a difference and marriage is not an end of itself. It's the beginning of a of a true love of each other. Yes. Okay. I'd like to thank Of

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course she was asuni for joining us on the program. I'd like to thank Muhammad more and acknowledge the pleasure you're with us. We'll be back again soon with a new episode and more topics to talk about here on YouTube.