Waleed Basyouni – Navigating the Challenges of an Abusive Mother – Advice and Support
AI: Summary ©
The speaker advises the audience to focus on their issues and show their love for their mother. They suggest limiting their interactions and limiting their emotions to avoid negative consequences. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of working on their mother and finding resources for her.
AI: Summary ©
We have a question actually sent by a
brother who has siblings and they're describing their
mother as, you know, of abusive behavior and
they say she puts them down all the
time.
She causes discord between them.
She has no sense of boundaries.
She speaks poorly of their father who passed
away many years ago and makes them feel
as if they're ashamed.
They actually tiptoe around her and she causes
them mental and psychological pain.
Mind you, this is their side of the
story.
We don't know what the mother would say,
but this is what the question says.
So is it okay to limit their relationship
with their mother?
It becomes more like a formal relationship just
while ensuring her safety and well-being that
they just make it where, you know, they
see her and visit her when it's needed
and necessary.
Is that okay?
Alhamdulillah.
It sounds to me like your mom is
lonely, you know, and also been through a
lot and usually when mothers start talking about
the father, she might, I don't know, we
don't know.
She might have an abusive relationship.
Maybe she had some really hard time when
she was married, but she's not capable of
forgiving and moving on because also no relationship
is just one side, evil, bad.
Allah swt said, وَلَا تَنْسَوْا الْفَضَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ You
always remember the good thing between you and
there's no point from mentioning bad things about
somebody who passed away.
Unless, you know, for me, it sounds like
she doesn't know how to tell her children.
Maybe she wants attention.
She wants empathy.
She wants love.
She wants to be, to feel like loved
and taken care of.
So I think what you need, what I
would advise you to do is to focus
on these issues, these areas.
Show her more love, show her attention, you
know, and when she start going negative and
and try to cause problem, dismiss that, you
know, kind of say, change the topic.
Be clear.
You tell her, mom, my dad passed away,
Rahim Allah.
We love you so much.
You know, don't worry about, may Allah swt
forgive him, may Allah swt reward you for
all the patience that he did, but you
know what?
He passed away and we should only say
the good about the one who passed away
and if there is no good, just remain
silent.
The Prophet swt said, say good or remain
silent.
We love you.
Now it is you, you the one who,
just word like this, change the topic.
If she cause problem between you and your
brothers or she start backbiting or things or
between you and your sisters, you know, just
stop that and you make that boundary clear,
you know, and it's not my boundary, your
boundary, it's Allah swt's boundary.
He put that boundary, which is halal, halal,
haram, is haram.
But please don't cut her off, keep the
relationship.
Yeah, you can limit if you kind of
overwhelmed and you need a break a little
bit.
Yeah, you can limit the interacting for a
little bit, for a while until you regain
your strength.
But this is a struggle.
Some people, their parents are going through diseases.
Mother maybe has cancers or she's disabled and
that's a struggle that they have to deal
with or dementia.
Your struggle is a mother who have character
traits, which is not good.
So Allah swt test us in different ways
and we need to deal with that test
with sabr, with grace, with mercy, with compassion
and also with, you know, advising because you
want her not to commit sin and haram.
But be respectful and nice to them.
And make dua for her.
Make dua for her.
And, you know, repay evil with goodness, right?
Keep her busy.
Yeah, exactly, right.
You know, let her join the senior group,
you know, having the masjid here, the golden
girl, senior group, you get her to volunteer,
get her busy.
If she physically can move around, let her
go out, you know, I think that will
help her a lot.
Get her engaged in something that related to
her deen, memorizing Quran, learning Quran, stuff like
that.
Yeah, it sounds to me like their mother
needs help.
So don't look at it from one side.
She needs help and if you're able to
give that help or find some people to
help her, they should also work on that.
Do your best.
Right, exactly.
Jazak Allah khair.
Jazak Allah khair.