Red Flags & More!!
Waleed Basyouni – MOST IMPORTANT Thing You Need To Know Before Getting Married
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of red flags and relationships in relationships, including the need to avoid overwhelming feelings and avoid overwhelming feelings when relationships are the first. They stress the importance of patience and patientity in the process, as well as the importance of identifying "red flags" in relationships, such as a woman who is not from the same religion as another woman. The speakers also discuss the importance of trust in relationships, finding a partner who is willing to work on one's life, and avoiding sexual behavior. They stress the need for transparency and avoiding questions about past experiences.
AI: Summary ©
Okay, from Hostas mid monitor live, I catch up how you doing nice hamdulillah I'm gonna do tonight I would like to speak about red flags and signs that will you seeds in your future Scott. And also we will talk about some red flags for those who are married in a little bit, maybe at the end, what I want to start and focus more about those who are in relationships, and they are considered this person to be a future spouse,
if for you as an individual or for you as parents, when it comes to your children as well, or friends, or somebody asking you so these are some things that I think you should take it very serious. And hopefully, we can have a beneficial conversation tonight about this important topic. Because as we all know, it is so important to
ensure that the next generation among our community, have a stable life, and not to be married to someone that they just can live with. But they can be married to someone that they can't live without somebody that they're so attached to somebody that they love so much. And they really build a strong relationship and a strong family. A strong family means a strong community. strong community means a strong OMA strong unmowed means a strong, great future for Islam, and for Muslims is shallow doubt, and for the country at large as well. So
I know some of the things that I'm going to share with you. And I want to start with this point.
And in my opinion, this one of the most important point of my talk tonight, that so many of I'm going to tell you, you might know already something that you are familiar with.
Many people see the sign, they see this red flags clear in front of them, but they ignore it.
And they just don't want to be serious about it.
And I think one of the reason for many people to do that. It just because they are so deeply in love with the person and that usually, especially before marriage, and before any Halal way of building this relationships, it means that there is so much haram already invested in the relationships. They've been I, they call it halal dates, and I don't call it halal day. I call it Muslim dating style. Because it's not halal and most of the case, so they go out alone, there is an excessive type of conversations that is so much love again, no halwa touching, maybe kissing, hugging, no. So much attachment between him and her. So what happened when you have that strong attachment to the person,
you develop something that called he or she the only one and HaNasi for you or for yourself? That's the only one out there in the world for me.
You know what? He is the only one she's the only one absolutely true when you get married.
He is the only one she's the only one. But before you get married, it's so dangerous to have this mindset. You know, because what what would this mindset do to you, and block you from seeing anything else.
And people when they are so emotionally driven, driven, you cannot come as parents, for example, you cannot come to start to make logic to them or to speak to them logically because he is already blind. He doesn't think with his brain, think with his heart where her his or her heart. So you cannot make any sound logic to them anymore. They are more emotionally driven. So you have to touch their heart, you have to recognize their feeling, you have to bring them to their common sense, you know, step by step. So it's not a logical thing as much as an emotional thing. But this prepares for when you deal with someone in your family or your friends who are so into this even though he or she
see this red flag. But for you yourself.
For those who Allah subhanaw taala did not put them in that level yet in that test yet. If you are a relationship please make sure that you keep it helot
because when you cross the line and you start doing haram things in the relationships, Allah subhanaw taala punish you and one of the punishment is that you don't see the reverse red flags anymore. And you keep continuing in this relationship in a long way. And you know, one sisters
should reach to that level. They already like even I would have been lost sometimes they fall into Xena and like he knows everything about me. He saw everything of me I saw everything I know everything about him. I can't even think that I can cut the relationship. So what
This, what's your brain start playing a trick on you, and will tell you, Oh, you know what is not a big deal, this person will this, this person will change, you know. And that's the second point that I want to make sure that you understand clearly, this concept of he will change, she will change. You know, it's a very, also wrong way of approaching this issue. Parents, please stop telling your kids, because you're so excited about this candidate for your daughter, or you're so excited about this girl for your son. And they're Santo But mom, she doesn't want to head out or she will change.
You know, oh, but he doesn't pray he will change.
You know that going into the relationship with the assumption, Oba T's like this and that he will change, she will change. I have bad news for you, you know, people don't really change.
The reality is people don't really change. Very few people change, especially when it comes to the character of the person. People adjust a little bit.
And in the end of the day, when you're married to them one person, it became a game of, you know, balancing your options. Is it better to stay with this problem and the person, again, more of this relationship? But if you're all out the relationship, why would you go into it,
you don't have to make that choice, you're still out.
So this idea of the will change, people adjust, especially when it comes to character, you know, when people change, when the know under the allies 100% that this is something wrong. And they've been working on themselves so hard to change themselves.
And while they are changing while they are changing, it will take time lapse while they are in this process. You have to be very patient with that person as they go through that change. And my advice for someone who's not into the relationship, wait until the persons clean themselves up and real change happen to the light.
And when this happen, yes, I can look into the and I'm talking specifically about character traits.
And something that so it became a habit, part of the DNA of the person.
Okay.
Somebody came to me and said, Sheriff,
I love this person so much. But he is addicted to drugs.
You know, my I think I'm the source of a strength for this person.
You know, I help this person heavy. You. Yeah, you are going to be his wife, not his therapist? Not his addiction therapist. If he's addicted to drugs, you need the addiction therapist. He doesn't need a white.
You know, I think I can help him. Yeah, you notice shrink? Okay, you are government to his spouse. There's a big difference between these two. This person, all these red flags, but you know what, I feel so bad for the person. Yeah, that's not why you marry someone because you feel bad about that.
Give them money. If they are poor, you No, no, let someone from their gender, give them a hug. You know, but doesn't mean you you feel bad for someone who's married that person with all these red flags I see. So one blue, all they will change and again, go back to the assumptions of they will change that this is not, it doesn't really happen a lot. Okay, and there's adjustment happened. Some things, you know, even I will be honest, I always want to like talk about marriage, to give you a personal, you know, good and bad and ugly of my life. You know, and I think when he became a chef, and he became a public figure, nothing any more private, and more most most of your life became
public. You know, in my life I still have certain things I had grew up doing I was raised in certain ways you know, my family are so fed up with like angry or was that means it will lead you always yell but I was raised yelling is raising voice that doesn't mean that you're mad or like that's a bad manners, but it just a different culture.
Okay, it just a different culture. But do you know what? I try? I fail I try I fail I still but I'm very committed from inside to make sure that I don't raise my voice. Even though I wasn't raised that raising voice. It means something bad. It means I'm serious about it. But in American culture, no, it's not. It's MIT. It's not a good way of educating or talking to kids or talking to children, or even talking or expressing your concern. So it's a struggle is not an easy, you know, for years and decades the person working himself
but that's not
Aren't the biggest red flag that makes my wife divorced me, you know, but I'm just giving you an example of how certain things like this part of who you are became so hard for you to get for years work on it, even though from inside you feel the need for that change.
Anyway, so what are the red flags that I think it is so important for you to
immediately when you see it to hit the break and to reevaluate?
I think one of the biggest red flags when it has to do with the religion and I want to break this down to many points, red flags that are related to the legend number one, one someone who is basically
have an I'm talking about I'm not talking about somebody who's not from your same religion that's that's a different conversation. Talking about someone who's Muslim like it, but someone with a with the with the Abida, or a belief that is against what you believe in.
Like you marry someone, okay? Who is not on your belief.
On Faizal, a sister that I know
she married a guy even though she's so she knew that this person is shot from the show.
But she's Sydney, she's a convert to Islam, she converted to be a Muslim said. She said, I wasn't a situation I need money. I need to pay my rent. I couldn't find anyone except this neighbor of mine, who was nice enough to pay my rent several times. And the fourth time he said that will be your Maha considered all the previous payments.
I agree. I told them but your shear, I'm Sydney he said now. She says I know the red flag. But I didn't listen to it. I didn't pay her. He's like secular. He's thus an American reason. Most of us live in America. He's from overseas, isn't cared about she is me that I don't care about you. After the first kit, going back to his country, guess what? Mom and Dad starting saying to our kids? Yeah, Lee. Yeah, her saying, you know, all these kinds of she things start embedded to our kit. So many people marry a Christian woman or someone who was like Christian and all of a sudden, after a while. You never go to church. But now since you're going to the mustard, I want to take my kids to the
church. So things change after a while. And I became something she has to deal with and get divorce and have a kids when she was young age, divorced, she couldn't take it anymore. Because she see things that does Cooper should and be dad that she cannot take.
Another person told me about his story, his wife, she was prescribed to some extreme to the Salafi groups, and he's not this kind of person. So when you see someone like that, it actually caused a lot of damage in their relationships later. Someone will follow certain shoe hung up EDA and believes in and you know, some kind of that that's a red flag and that's a big red flag.
Because your spousal impact
at the man but was up son Angela himolla. He's a chef. I remember ashmit
When he went to Yemen, they have many people want to hold him in Yemen. He's not from Yemen.
But the people of sun out want to hold him in Yemen. So what they did the metod him a woman from Santa hat from Yemen. But she was a Shia. He asked his chef has just had to marry her
student of knowledge he thinks that tz any simians dollar he married her. Guess what? When you read the biography of God was up to date. They said what kind of Etosha year he was influenced by Shia Islam
or him Allah, she influenced him.
So one of the the red flags that I considered a big red flags when it comes to the religion when you see someone who is very different. Also, not necessarily that that that believe or prescribe to a certain sector group, also groups. Like for example, I dealt with a case when someone marry a sister. And she ended up like a pro ISIS
and she told him my motto is to go live in Syria.
Guess where he's living right now?
He's doing 18 years in jail.
You know, so Exactly. There is leverage right now. But you know what, that's a red flag. Someone like Hey, I prescribed to this cipher was like, I'm like, what all these guys you know, somebody like prescribed to some like ideologies or something is that is not from the Sunnah, not from the Quran and Sunnah. That's also something that a big red flag
another
are one somebody who do not prescribe to anything but have no respect for the religion.
Anyone who have no respect even if this person not because I don't expect everybody listening to my talk has to be a religious person. My talk is very general, even if you're not a religious person, even if that person he or she not religious, but they have respect for the religion. But don't ever be married to someone who have no respect for religion. Because in the end of the day, we as Muslim religion play a role in our life. You don't want to be met if it's today or later. How much you committed to this to the religion is another question but I think more important to me that you make sure you don't ever marry someone who have no respect for the religion Sophie see per se praying or
fasting he makes fun of you or have no respect for allowing you to spend money or time and learning your religion. You have no respect for your teachers for the Quran that you learn someone like that you don't want to hop as a husband or a wife
somebody respect religion value religion, so anyone who showed disrespect to religion is something for me it considered a big red flag to make you know what hold on Yes, people might change later on when it comes to how much they committed to the religion any I don't know much I learned about all of us grew religiously we married or we're not very practicing Muslims and now we grow together let's understand but someone who have no respect for the religion at all consider this a backwards stuff that's a red flag
make me you know much stop
I'm not going to get into this relation ship
another sign for religion would so important is a solid
that's a big red flags somebody miss a lot as if it's nothing
mashallah I pray three times a day
you know I'm very religious I pray like three times a day what are these three times yeah, I need one on that night and one and when I wake up on one during the daytime
what stop or two times when I wake up and before I go to sleep what's in between? I
I just join them home at night
that's okay I understand that one time in your life maybe you must align you have to combine the two in all them you something happened but that's the regular base and means nothing to you. That's that's the red side red flag
walk the stripe saw it means not notice any one thing that I was advised people to ask ask you the conversation what times just Kida an addition what time some of the model
Oh Salah Mala There it is 530 This right
Oh, that's awesome. Oh, sorry. My mistake.
No clue what my little prayer is what fighter cool prayer is what for a period of time is art that's red flag
and unfortunately unfortunately and i i said this will work with any with a brat that
that sometimes these see amongst sisters missing Salah is more common. And the reason for this because there's certain time in the month when they don't pray. So if she stayed 1015 days not praying, they stopped praying in it's just it became I kind of been not praying for two weeks and became hard to pick up a game and you think this that I understand the struggle I understand this test. But this is an if it shows a commitment to the salah after that. It just shows the quality of your deen the quality of your Islam and how much you committed you are to the religion so really something I respect a lot and our sisters would the commit to the titles but somebody doesn't care
about the salon doesn't care about praying. You know missing Juma is something normal for him or her or him because her she's not obligated for assaulted
by
another red flag in my opinion is also a big big no.
Which is somebody who does not show respect
and respect to you and to your family.
For me, that's a red flag. And I will say it again for you and your fame. Even if your family are silly. You know what I can talk about my dad a mom, but my spouse don't talk bad about my dad or my mom.
That's called because of respecting my father and my mother is part of respecting me. I disagree. I think your dad is based not reasonable. I think your mom is overly jealous. I think the art you know, but showing this sort of spec and being
very disrespectful, that just translate that because I out of respect you I respect the thing that important to you and value to you. So anyone who doesn't show respect to you, can anyone tell me how people don't show respect to you? Let's engage you a little bit
like what when I say he must do a red flag when somebody doesn't show respect to you? Like what?
Raising the voice over you you know pretty good almost cutting you off. Never really respect your you give me a chance to talk what else are you good point
what else showing disrespect to you
not never listened to you. Okay.
No respect for your choices. What you love what you like.
You know? Okay, what else?
So arrogance like you nothing to him? No. Who are you? II just a woman. You just, you know, a disrespect even not to you to the whole gender
thing now on somebody for example. Oh, you Oh, you're you just stop. You have a diploma. I have a PhD. Who are you? You know, how much you make, you know, to do go to college. So disrespectful for he? He doesn't have respect for who you are.
Okay, that's also showing this what else? Like something like can be real?
Yeah, somebody would never admit to you as mistakes. That's arrogant. Yeah.
makes fun of the person always being sarcastic. Always make fun of you always trying to put you down. By the way. Why this is so important.
Because anyone from the beginning,
try to put you down, try to destroy you mentally, emotionally breaking your basically self esteem
is going to get worse and what get worse to be what? Abused that's what you call domestic abuse. One of the thing bullying bullier bullying happen and domestic abuse happen is when persons how to control someone, you only able to control someone, if you destroy that person. If you have them very low self esteem, if you make them not worth something for themselves, they basically bend their back so they can right over your back.
And that's how he controlled and guess what, if you ever get into relationship and later on this person became abused. And by the way, that's men be in men a lot, but some woman like that to the just abused husband, the controlling.
They make them basically in their grip. And unfortunately, some parents they said, Honey has a lot of the iceberg. You need the advice they give it to you make him like a ring
to you. That's nice. She's not a piece of metal or he's not a piece of metal.
You know, that's not how please don't cross in front of the camera. Oh, you just did it again.
Good, no problem. Good.
So this is something important because in future can be very destroying your relationship and unfortunately, when you married to someone who have this problem, okay, disrespecting and our associate with this is basically a controlling behavior. Somebody is so controlling
unbelievable level of control. He can justify she can justify that with jealousy whatever the one I care for you I love you. That's not That's not love does not jealous. That's called controlling freak. He or she, you know, and that basically lead to what to abuse and bully. And if you if you fall into the grip of someone like that, it's very hard to get out.
I'm like
I know sister married a guy for about eight years.
Okay, this real story.
She said sure.
I have red tapes in my apartment.
I said what do you mean? I thought she talking about red tapes like
them? intangible. What kind of red tapes like yellow rules His she said no, no, no. An actual threat tapes.
I said what do you mean? She said you see the window that is like four feet away from
window are three feet when he have a red tape. I'm not allowed to cross that day
I'm not allowed to come closer to the window or to the party red tape. Almost he's the one who allowed me to cross
a wet
they didn't she said I saw the sign. I saw how controlling he is. But I never thought it will reach that level.
And I was the one would divorce her from him.
And he was so angry at me.
He actually threatened my life
yeah.
So it is really scary had nothing to do with religion. Controlling this is a character trait.
And that's why it is so beautiful how the prophets of salaam said mentor alone Edina who will Holga he did not say you only pleased with his Deen, but also humble manner, character trait, because you might be a religious person, but you're a monster.
You might be a good Muslim, but you're stingy.
You might be a good milling person who pray and do a lot of good things. But you know what? You are terrible communicator.
So, there's so many other things besides the legit that's why the person put these two together the character trait of the person
you have to look at.
You know,
I know also another system, just the controlling behavior issue.
Yeah. For example, not allowed to have phone not allowed to up
as a brother. And these examples, not from people like people like born in the West, this guy born raised in England DNO and lived in America.
His wife not allowed to eat with him. She wait until he finishes food.
I know a lot about people in modern day.
I said, and what? I asked myself, What would make personal live like that? She said chef, and he admitted in front of me. He said yes. When I sit in the couch to sit on the floor?
Yes.
And he sat down. Why? He said to short a speck.
When he married her she was arrogant.
I want to break her spirit.
You know what the question that I know, I don't want to scare you. But I want to tell you that this is serious. I'm tired of dealing with cases like this. And these are not random cases. These aren't Yes. It's not like I get a case like this every day. But there are a large number enough to tell you that this is a problem that does exist.
And it can manifest itself in many different ways. Maybe give you the most extreme stories I saw. But it is I asked myself what would lead a sister or a brother to be in a situation like this?
A brother was suffering with
his wife controlling behavior. She controls it so much. What are you going? Who are you? What are you? You know, I need to know where it's your destination. You know what I need to see a location in your phone?
Why are you talking to this person?
You know, a camera everywhere. That's not That's not love.
That's a controlling problem. You have this? And the problem. I asked all these people. They said we saw the sign before marriage.
He said, Jeff, we know what is my breaking point one time. I was in that Walmart.
And he said the girl and the cashier. She said, Okay, this is your chain. And I reach my hand. She was next.
And she just gave me the money.
Oh my god. She came and she slapped her hand on my bed and of coins and the money were all over the place. Now come and kiss him to take his number
should excuse me. Yeah, I know the scandal this looks on and you why wouldn't you flirt with I said I'm not I'm taking the money Florida walk.
Next time you don't ever talk to her?
Yes, ma'am.
But he said went home ship and you call me and he said Jeff
I'm done. I can't live like that.
But it took him two years to be there
but to put two years to the I guess he says well done by that time the starting gun Yeah, no
I might laugh but inside you know there is a sane Arabic was shuttled that emailed the worst of matters is what makes you laugh not laugh because it's a laughable matter it's because it's so sad.
Sometimes when things are so painful you just smile
and laugh
but again these are ignored from the beginning.
Also one other thing that it is a red flags to me when people always make fun of others
nothing satisfied Believe me if this person you will never be satisfied with you later on.
Almost make fun of other everything is not good. Everything is doom in there be so solid man kinda had a contest Oh hella cool.
One person said all people are doing T is the most doomed one and it was said not the promise of solid sit down but one of the convenience.
So somebody always praise himself. He's perfect, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Right. You know, my wives middle name, I fuck my wives last name is right. But I didn't know that her first name is his or her first name is always that begin always write
up, it doesn't like work that way.
When somebody you see this thread flags hit the break.
This can lead to problem later on.
Somebody who owes arrogant Nothing pleases Him, everybody is bad, everybody is less, everybody's not good. Always make fun of others always put each other down. Believe me, it can be very hard for this person to sync with that person. And even if he shows that he pleased with you today, very soon, we'll start treating you the same way he treating others. Now he just
fascinated about you. He's, you know excited about the relationship, the moment the people getting together live together a couple of weeks, months. And after that things goes back to what it really the real you comes, they have a site, they say in the engagement, people show you the best. And later they show you
the rest.
Okay.
That's very true.
I think I believe in that. And I think that's not a bad thing. But when the rest is so different from the best, that's the problem.
I don't expect everybody to be in the same first two years should be growing. But people in any goal up and down, but should not be a very big huge gap. But the rest is completely ugly lie. That's something that we don't want.
Also, one of the red flags is lying.
When you catch the person's lying, you cannot build marriage, any relationships based on principle, one of the biggest principle here is call trust.
Trust is vital to relationships. Trust is like a blood pressure.
You know, you don't feel it. But if it's abused, it's fatal can kill you.
Trust is about trusting is basically one thing that demonstrates is like how can we trust the little keep lying to me. And I'm not talking about lying in major things.
Like somebody now telling me about their spouse. They just find out that their spouse never graduated from college.
They've been married to a person have kids with and I'm talking about people in your age.
Not a blog about like, like young men, they young young brother.
They just find out he never graduated from college. They just find out that he never really held a job at the university that he claimed that he works at
all the Sears was lying. He goes into the in the morning she doesn't know for two, three years. He never had a job actually, wouldn't they? Because of the divorce and stuff like that. So they look into the university to this this person never worked for us.
He don't even graduate from that university.
That scary.
Line is especially in big things like that.
Lying about his background, where are you from? What kind of job what kind of finance situation that he's in.
Also,
one off the red
Signs and red flags
in my opinion,
when you see hot temper
somebody violent, like somebody that has a vite sign of violence that this person can turn to violent like hit things with anger hit kids.
I suppose caring
because that person can be abused. Bully and and fear can keep you in the situation for a very long time. A sister came to me
this sister in her 50s. Okay, what age 50 and her husband still beat her up?
Yeah, do you think 50 Is Hamas? Jani? Who's a grandma? She's literally run, but he still hit her.
I sit down. Why, why? Why are you even in this relationship, what you're getting out of it. Cos you're in your 50s or your kids or grandkids
that the 10s of heading or stuff like that there's not as used to be. She told me actually share. I got pregnant from my husband. Only one month after married.
I was upstairs and I was pregnant with my child. My first job. He was so angry at me. He hit me and he pushed me on a roll from the stairs.
First month, any honeymoon.
And I said to myself, if I keep my baby, I'm staying in the marriage.
What a dumb idea.
And if I don't keep my baby, I'm getting out of the marriage. Is that how you define your man by crawling over stairs? And what's gonna happen to you next?
Now 35 years later, she telling me what I do.
Because fear
he's so abusive.
He hates
she really doesn't feel safe. She said, I think he can kill me if I divorce him
to staying there.
So what I'm saying is violence is something a very big a big fun. By the way. I also dealt with brothers beaten by their wives.
Literally beat him up.
And that's also not fun.
She beats him up, hit him like bruises.
Once sealed and this mustard.
A guy came to me and I had a serious thought. He came to me for something else. He said, Jeff, my wife kicked me out of that. I said what do you do? He said I was late like half an hour went out
and had been laid like couple of that. She literally told me cannot come back home.
Okay, what can I help you with? He said can you talk to her? To let me in? Said I slept in a hotel before I don't have money to sleep. I just talked her
on okay, I'll talk to her I kind of never had the kind of, you know,
position to be put on site doctor on the phone. And she suggests I'll let him this time only because of you. I picked Duncan
character.
But what does he really do?
And at the weed Doctor, I'm so sorry. I really was caught and work I had in the way thought. That's not love. That's not respecting his wife that somebody's afraid of his wife.
And she said she'd beat me up. She's bigger than me and she really hits me.
And I love her.
Then I asked, I asked for him. I asked him Did you see sign? He said yes. Or every time I see things like that. I can tell you they have seen the sign before married.
So that's when it comes to violent. I just want to balance that a little bit between also legit I totally was unfounded jealousy. Jealousy comes from Love does not come from controlling. does not come from not trusting. If I'm jealous, because I don't trust you. That's a bad jealous
if I'm jealous of about you, because I control you. That's not a good jealous. I'm jealous about you because I love you I care for you. That's good, jealous. That enough? No, even if the cause for jealousy is good. The outcome of jealousy has to be good two things when it comes to jealousy.
What I mean by the outcome, any how I behave
Have some jealous about you but if my jealous motivated by love and care but my jealous take me put the red tapes and tell you not to answer phone not to ah that's not a good jealous
the outcomes whoa I strip it from your freedom
if my jealousy motivated by not trusting him or more self esteem about yourself that can I hear a story like once this time it was sister she was working in Disney store you know that Disney stock
in a big Disney Stores they have Batman you know statue Batman Bigler and Lloyd are girls woman. You like him? That's right.
She's what? Who? Batman.
And he's dead serious. Let's get out of the store
as well, just That's not love this low self esteem
but supposedly, it just, yeah. One of the red flags for me of the person is miser, Stingy.
That's a red flag.
stinginess is a very bad character trait.
And I would say,
consider me an old fashion, especially especially in men.
Why is it special, especially in bad for everybody, but many special because men supposed to be the one who spend on the family.
Take care of the finance. So the person is so stingy
in his is so tight.
I think that's enough. A sister came to me. She said what do you think she'll have the solution with this guy.
She's divorced. She has three kids, or four kids. So she went with her husband out to eat, or her fiance.
Maybe she was married to him, but he didn't get married.
So they went to the restaurant.
So when the bill came
the way to set one bill has no split split the bill.
I pay for me and for her. And she paid for her kid
he's an engineer. He's not like ah, a loser has no job.
He said that's fine. That's right. His dad paid for their
house. Yeah. And he shall support this right?
says yeah, that's fine.
But if you have something like that,
that's first he doesn't have respect for a family. He's not willing to take you who you are.
If you didn't, it's not easy to marry a woman with kids under percent agree that it's a big challenge be responsible. But if you're not up to it, don't go for it. There is people up to that don't have a problem of that. And you make sure if you're going to marry someone who is willing to marry you he marry you the way you want to your family and then your situation you know what? I'm you know, I take care of my mom it's not easy to be marry someone who's taking care of his mom's sick mother.
So you milling to take the witness the package, that's how it is.
You know, I'm taking care of my parents. You want to come and join the family and an Asana. So you have to be honest with that and that required certainly but also him being so stingy that even for a meal for a dinner, not willing to pay for it
that's just a red flag. How do you expect this person tomorrow because and guess what? She came back to me in this room and she said to me four or five months later she said I'm done I said what what broke it any free she said for five months I've been asking to pay for rent pay for anything. Not a single dollar
didn't pay for anything and her expensive
he lives in another state
and he said I spent all our money traveling to you
said that
even though I didn't have a lot of respect for her when she told me that this what made it like you know break it the relationship because right there at the restaurant should be the end of the relationship.
But you know what I was give excuse to people I didn't know what's been going through sometimes very hard to get from one marriage or another from one divorce to another. So people make hard choices. But believe me, it's much easier to deal with it now than to deal with later.
Good
to see you know what I'm stopping relation. Another big Greg red flags addiction problems. Okay, or substance abuse
into somebody and drugs and that includes marijuana
because a lot of youth today and unfortunately I'm not talking about someone you know, smoke did I like join one sir like he had out in his life when luck or live like either to try to you know, like what's what his name said? I did it but I never inhaled it. Okay. Okay, so I'm not talking about someone that I'm talking about someone who take this and that. And every by the way somebody's addicted to drugs you said I'm not addicted, but they use it in a in a in a very often fashion.
So abuse is a big red flag.
Do you have a question for you? If somebody said I used to be substance abuse? I used to be alcoholic. I used to use drugs. But now I'm clean. What do you guys think?
What would you do? Yes.
What time you think is enough?
You didn't?
Like have the girl stole you, you know what I like you think you like me? But you know what I used to
shoot some
stuff. And if
yours
was like, just two months ago, I'm clean now on the luck. No, such has to be enough period of time, you can ask professional people to help you to make that decision. You know, also, I think that's also required from you to ask for tests or drug test for people like change, you know, and willing to deal with that challenge
of the law, what do you think?
So Abdullah was saying, sometimes the conviction is so strong, somebody became Muslim, and maybe he used to use drugs before Islam, or she used to use drugs. Yes. Now Islam is a very strong motivator, but still drugs, drugs, addiction is addiction. Even if you are the most righteous person today, you know what it would it comes to kick and when you see it, when you smell it, when you feel it when it around it? Alcohol, you know, you can have a relapse? They, in this case, what do you do? I'm not talking about you're married to disperse is still outside. I think that's a red flag make you
had to break think, not twice, think 100 times before you commit to the relationship. But Abdullah was saying one of the thing is, you have to make sure that this person also go through therapy and that's therapy will help the person too. Because him admitting or her admitting to go through that therapy and, you know, helping them to it shows you that this person is sincere and changing their behavior, which is I think a good point.
Yes.
gaming addiction Very good. That's also a very good point. Is that a red flag when you someone who is a gamer? Nothing but game. I think it's a big red flag too.
And I can tell you one of the things young, I built with so many cases also, especially among young today, that marriage fell apart because he is only sitting on the couch playing games all the time. I had a couple of ones came to me and I didn't know that before. So I asked him, What do you do for a living? He said, I'm a gamer.
I said, What do you mean? He said, I'm a gamer.
I'm a very good at what game you play. They started making all these games. I said, and how do you make your money? He said, by playing games. I make more than more than you. I said I'm not a standard for making money in Mountain is not a standard. But he said no, no, no, I make more money than my wife and my wife has an engineering chemical engineering degree.
I said, Wow, is it yeah, I'd go to Las Vegas I play and blah blah make money. Then the wife said chef, believe me money is not the issue.
But the marriage is falling apart.
He's so addicted to games. He's so fast based. I'll take your point this so fast be so good bore so quickly. You know what? Let's go outside. No, I'm playing games stay late in the night. Almost in the fall almost
Like playing games always with people with red he never had any quality time with his family.
That lifestyle is really bad.
I came to understand from this experience, it sucks to be married to a gamer.
It's not fun.
Yes.
Backbiting is that a red flag? Person who do not control their tongues? backbite gossip stuff like that. That's a red This shows a bad character trait. Okay, but that leads me to a good point that I think it's worth mentioning here, which is not all red flags are equal.
So back quite different that drug addiction different than you know, not praying or missing salah.
Another red flag?
Would you guys consider out let's put this first let me put the red flag. The red flag is
very suspicious. Or very scary.
Divorce stories. Or story?
Like someone it's a mystery. Why this person got divorced. Never talk about it.
It is the very mysterious things no clarity about or scary. Like it's so nasty divorce.
Would you guys consider this? A red flag
and white
let's see what the sisters think.
Yes
I accent that's not being nosy that's being smart.
Dealing well. Walleye i i got divorced because I used to beat her up. Or Thank you. Good to know. You now you get to know that his child that he abused her children.
Ask me scary things. Okay, very scary reason. So I think you should know about what it is. But if somebody's hiding it completely, I don't want to talk about it.
I think that raise a flag and require from you to investigate. And I think you're absolutely in for your Fulbright. But let me follow up with another question.
Would you ever ask the person's ex?
Would you ever ask this person's ex?
You would. Okay. So let me break it down to you. Why I think it's so risky to ask the ex. Because one, they might have a biased opinion. Okay, number two. Number two, not everybody is honest. And like, objective and you know, I'm going to tell you do you know things the way to really to? One of the most dangerous things about asking the x is this. The might plant something in your head and for the rest of your life, you will always connect it to that.
Oh,
he never respected woman, let's say put that now every conversation we have. It's gonna be Oh, she's right. You have no respect for a woman? Oh,
yeah. Now, oh, he loves his parents more than anything else. Oh, he's this. So you're always even sometimes it's very innocent. He's not really trying to say that. But because that already, you have a pretty notion about the person and he start filtering his action through that point. That's why it is so risky to us and to talk to the person's ex. But
in the other hand, it is important to ask to know what happened
to get an opinion
and I think it is important to see what if this person lying he tell you Oh, she used to beat me up. Or she said he was an abuser and maybe she was the abuser she was cheating on him.
And now the guy wants to know so you see there is like masala Helena and masala What do you think gentlemen?
Somebody asks you a question like that. What would you do?
You asked me again.
Yes.
Oh, no, I'm asking the question.
Okay
can I get to this in a little bit, but like so I don't lose the point that I'm talking. So what do you think now? I have
Hear reasons why to ask and reasons why not to ask? What do you think we should do?
Come on give me from your wisdom say it What would you do
would you ask
okay, two sides of the story
or three
they would you ask even though with these problems
how can you minimize this problem How can you reduce these problems? Yes
but what about these two points I mentioned them Aren't you concerned about that
yes but what if it is true would you take that chance
Yeah so that's goes to her point you should ask
Yeah, I asked him but but I'm talking about you're asking the ex
now like you asked that person's ex
Yeah, because I sit two points of concern Yes.
Yes, that's one of my points get a third party not directly so you direct enough influence somebody wise. So we will not just record everything and tell you but you will filter the information
Okay, number two if you happen to listen to the person use common sense also not don't ask about details because details can hurt get the idea you know, okay, is the divorce as anything I shouldn't be concerned I'll just big picture to understand. So, I am in favor actually you can ask the ex if there is only if there is a reason if there is a flag the person not honest. That is other things give you an indication that this person is not every person got divorced you have to ask them to check
but but if there is a reason for me to Farber invest today, I feel that there is something suspicious here something fishy is that makes sense. So not every case I will ask
one thing also one person has no high up that's another red flag. No shame. No shame. Nabi SallAllahu sallam said and how mineral Eman it's part of iman. And there is no Eman for those who have no shame
we then this gave us an ownership and how was no shame there is no iman
and that's something that you should be and unfortunately today there was a lot of people have no shame
and he's somebody I know a brother I used to he used to be my Facebook feed on all in the days
like no Shane he posts his pictures going to striptease clubs goes in Las Vegas you know stuff like that no shame
that's this any when someone like that if you come to propose to my daughter or into my sisters or to Mike you know to somebody in that community I will have this as a red flags I'm not gonna excite yes
you
I am telling you that he got you a very good husband.
Nice.
Okay, I think I will stop here. But
Abdullah was mentioning that is important differentiation between envy and jealousy. You know, but that's not directly related to the red flags that we talked about. And also there's another good point which is, but it is important to make that distinguish between being jealous of someone and being an end being someone.
Also the issue of making sure to choose someone who represents you well and married that's also another issue has to do with marriage can be discussed, but our focus only on finding out these red flags that when you see it, you know, you kind of alert and I will end with one that I kept it for the last because of the importance of
which is
before the loss also someone who is financially terrible like never hold a job has the so much in debt you know has a financial disaster of his life
his or her that's a red flag you have to investigate it because that person tomorrow will be responsible for your kids for your family you know makings power to correct and take care of children I'm not saying forever people can as the mature the they get better and these areas it's not as stupid not character trait is just a habit. The can maybe it does but it is something worth investing. investing time, but one red flags big red flags for me.
If you want to tell you who you are, show me who your friends are.
If you bet red flags of all this person's friends or bad people drag out a gang CNO people who no not religious at all, you know people like big question mark about their character trait if you hang out with people like that you most likely like them
one other thing and how to know who you are I look at your friend.
So that's very important to make and close friends. I'm not talking about people like friends on Facebook or friends on on like, an
an Instagram is the labor now talk about like good close friends. Yeah, just one site. So this is another issue that you have to look at. And also somebody never ever kept a relationship with anyone. You have friends? No, that's mean person have no social life. And that's, that's a red flag. I'm not saying it's x No, but something make you hit the brake.
Yes, I think you should ask for STD cat test, especially if there is a reason for that many Muslim countries by the way, today, they required a medical test and included the HIV and STD STD the basically sexually transmitted diseases and I think even the person is a good person you shouldn't is no shame to ask for a test you and I don't think you should take it as an insult or anything like that. And one thing that I would like to enforce an automated that pneumatic contract done without medical a chuck in the I would like to reach to that level and armesto You know, and I think it is important especially it's not with sexual disease only because some of these things you can get it
even if you're not sexually active outside, you can get it because of the bathroom like hepatitis A and stuff like that. And doctor knows better than me, some also genetic things like
some diabetes and stuff like that all these things are things that are important for you to know. So one of the red flags some scary health also issues about the person's, especially if it's in transmitted diseases, you know, or mental health issues. I think that's a red flags to make you help the break, somebody have a huge mental breakdown, you know, admitted to hospital several times, somebody all was like, somebody wouldn't marry a sister, he was telling me she think that she possessed with a whole tribe of jinn. And you know, what, on hamdulillah the first tribe got out, but the second tribe is still there and she's trying to get rid of what How did she know the tribe?
How many person on that tribe, you know, and all these scary things, show you that as a mental health issues with that person, you know, person believe that Oh, was an asset in a and and stuff like that and weird things, you know? And hallucinations, and, you know, people told me sometimes she asked,
Is it okay, if I find myself talking to my cat? I said, Yeah, it's okay. As long as your cat doesn't talk to you back. You know, when your cats are talking to your back, that's when you go to the doctor. Yeah, no, but talking to your cats, that's fine. That's normal. But when your cat you think your cat talking to you now that's when you need to go visit a doctor. So a lot of us have a mental health issues. That's a red flag, you know for me, but
yes, the brother back there he was losing hand first got
for wear
it in India.
They almost have it
out.
Miss Becker delivered
in 19.
In 2019 2019 2018, the divorce rate in India was about 40% 35%. That's from the National Survey. It's not true that they have a very high suicide rate, and they have a higher divorce rate.
not that high end rate but but I'll give you another country, which is very, very strong family tie like a Saudi Arabia for his family structure. Yet, Saudi Arabia and Riyadh, they have every nine minutes a divorce case 40% of divorce rate. So I I think family How can play a major role in keeping the marriage can also play a role in breaking marriage. I agree I appreciate the point. Families can help a lot. I appreciate. But I don't think the 1% is an accurate figure. Because if I remember, because I give a lectures about
how this world socially economically,
kind of break down and give this an Australia. And I think India has a high rate of suicide and high rate of divorce. But I can I might be mistaken. But one person that's very, very, pretty low.
Yeah, that'll be interesting to get somebody Google can check out the
final point to let you guys go for sulla.
These red flags that you see, you have to analyze them, there are levels as I said, don't put them in one category. Okay, number one, number two, these red flags means what? Some of them, you know what x completely I'm out.
Some of them, and most of them, I'll say more than 50% of them that mentioned today, it means I'm not going to rush to make a decision. I'm going to prolong the engagement period, the contract period, I need to know this person more, I need to investigate more, I need to ask more before I make the decision.
When you see this red flags, don't just follow your heart. No, make sure you take your brain with you. Thank you very much for being a great listeners and inshallah Tada. We will
continue with other topics
related to marriage and other than marriages. And I do I was originally going to talk about
how to figure this red flag by having 10 conversations with your future spouse.
Yeah, before your marriage, yeah, before your future spouse, I prepared to speak about 10 conversations you must talk to have before marriage 10 conversation in areas. But today is done. So one thing you can see this and look at I have a course on life goes up of love. And you can take that a whole entire module about
this not only Okay, one of the area, for example, past, but I break it down what kind of question to ask about the past. What kind of question to ask about future? What kind of questions to ask about fame, about career, about finance, about religion, about work about kids? What kind of question that you should have, what kind of conversation that should have about these topics. And I think that's one of my favorite topics and one of the most important because that will allow you to be able to know these flags because the more you talk about these things pops up and stuff coming
in more clear to you. But hopefully Shala if we didn't get chance to talk about it here and the mustard. You guys can go online and take the course sure a lot. Thank you very much. So Michael Hello market