Waleed Basyouni – Islamic Guidelines for Talking Before Marriage- Boundaries Respect and Commitment
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The speakers discuss the importance of knowing oneself and avoiding damaging the friend's marriage guidelines. They emphasize the goal of finding a suitable marriage prospect to avoid damaging the friend's emotional state and advise against seeking someone who is not in their position. The speakers also advise against talking to someone who is not in their position and avoid seeking someone who is serious and committed to their values. They stress the importance of identifying the person one wants to work with and avoiding giving up on their decision.
AI: Summary ©
As-salamu alaykum, Shaykh.
Walaykum as-salam.
We have a question from a brother.
It's really a long question, but I just
want to try to summarize it.
His situation is that he took a course
on marriage.
So he started talking to this girl from
his university or from a different university about
marriage.
And based on that, his family knew that
he was talking to this girl.
Her family knew, obviously, that she was talking
to him.
But they were like private conversations.
And it went on discussing plans, discussing marriage,
discussing things about themselves, and seeing if they're
compatible.
And they got deep into it where they
became attached in a way.
But then he found out that he cannot
commit to the marriage.
So and he cannot commit to getting married
at that point.
And nothing happened, I mean, at all.
It's just conversations.
That leads me to the question is that
what is allowed?
When do you really start talking to the
girl?
And when is it really allowed for you
to have a conversation with her?
And what are the guidelines on having a
private conversation with a suitable marriage prospect in
the future or in the near future?
What are the guidelines in this?
Let me start with saying this.
Brother, if you're going to make a sister
fall in love with you, make sure you
catch her.
OK?
So you don't let her crash.
So literally fall in love with you.
So you have to be able to catch
her.
And catching her is marriage, right?
So that's a good question because this is
something that we talk about a lot with
the young people.
Because I can imagine how broken hearted she
will be.
And he will be broken hearted if he
found that he cannot, maybe he cannot commit
to the marriage for something out of his
hand.
He can't have control over it.
And it's going to be hard.
And Imam Ahmed, he gave an example of
the Hadith of the Prophet shallallahu alaihi wasallam.
Don't expose yourself to a calamity that you
cannot handle.
And he said, love is the love.
You know, it's something that you don't have
control over.
And it became so strong.
So if this is the case, you have
to limit attachment.
Al-ishq is infatuation, deep infatuation.
It's not really true love, but it's infatuation
and attachment to the person.
Yeah, it's one of the levels of love.
Right.
حتى يعشق يعني يتخلل ويعلق في قلبك.
Something goes deep in your heart.
Infused in your heart, right.
So you don't want to invest this emotion
because the most valuable thing in you is
your heart and your emotion.
So that's what really makes a human being.
So if you want to invest this in
the wrong way, or you crash it, or
you expose it to something that it will
hurt you, it's more hurtful than the physical
harm and the physical hurt.
So going back, in this case, when you
are in the level of getting to know
each other, just the goal is to know
each other when you talk.
The goal is not to love one another.
So when I talk to this person, not
for the purpose of loving and falling in
love with the person.
No, just knowing this person is the suitable
person or not.
Check 1, 2, 3, 4.
I want to know his education, how he
think, how he look, how he looks like,
or she looks like, what kind of background,
what kind of culture, what does he think,
the hobby that he...
So we kind of match.
That's it, that's the goal.
So remember, the goal is to get to
know the person, not to love the person.
But that does not require an end to
this conversation, right?
If you don't stop right there, after knowing
what you need to know, it's going to
transfer to love.
The natural thing, you know?
Attachment.
Attachment.
So whenever you find out, I got what
I want, this is the right person, stop
the conversation.
No more conversation.
No more, you know, meeting.
Now we move to the next phase, which
is taking actions.
And now will you know if this person
is serious or not?
Because some people are so hesitant, indecisive.
You know what they say, Sheikh?
Somebody was saying, I used to be indecisive,
but now I'm not sure.
You know?
Action.
Indecisive, you know?
So some people like that, they don't have
really any reason except that they cannot make
a decision.
You know what?
Why would I waste my time with someone
like that?
Maybe, you know, he does not have anything
will allow them to, he doesn't have a
job, he doesn't have this, he doesn't have
that.
Or you know what?
I'll be ready five years from now, seven
years from now.
Do you really want to wait that long?
So these are real.
That's why after you get to know, but
in order for you to get to know
the person, you need to know what you're
looking for in a person.
Identify these things.
When you find that the person, stop the
talking, stop the relationship.
And said, hey, now we go to the
next level, which is marriage contract.
Because that would lock the persons into this
relationship.
Then after that, you go to the next
level.
As long as there is no red flags,
nothing, alhamdulillah, you move on.
So that would be my advice in regard
to this issue.
But I think it also starts with knowing
yourself.
Are you ready to be committed?
Obviously, you don't start with someone unless.
So this brother was not actually ready to
be committed, but then he got into.
Yeah, I don't know, maybe something came out,
but if there is something came up, you
have to be clear and you have to
tell the person.
And also one of the thing that during
this period of time, there is no lovey
-dovey stuff.
You know, there is this period of time,
you have to.
There should be a lot of boundaries.
Allah SWT said, they say to each other
what is known to be acceptable.
Yes.
Acceptable in the standard of Sharia and the
standard of the decent culture.
You know, because some culture are corrupt.
The standard of some culture is very bad.
You know?
Yeah.
Also, you're not allowed during this period to
be in seclusion, go to a room or
to a secluded area, touching, kissing, hugging, stuff
like that.
You know, all is not allowed.
What allowed?
Do you have to have a third party
with it?
It's better.
I will not say third party in email
or in phone call.
It's better and it's much better for you.
It's * be against your Shaytan.
Right.
But it must be if you're going to
be in seclusion, like in a place where
there's nobody else can see you or have
access to you.
Going to public place, I am in favor
that you should not do that without somebody
with you, from your family member.
Unless, you know, I don't have family member,
I'm older, I'm this, you know, and this
is the only way we can meet to
talk about it one time, that's fine.
You know, but don't open that door.
That door, you open an inch and you
find yourself like two miles into this.
So just be careful.
I can't say enough.
This is an area you don't want.
You know what?
Move to the next level, next stage.
Make it halal.
Because if you start your relationships with haram,
Allah will not put barakah in your relationship.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless your marriages
and bless our brothers and sisters.
Jazakallah khair.
Sheikh Bargh Al-Aufiq.