Waleed Basyouni – How Much Should My Parents Be Involved In My Marriage – Ask The
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, bismillah,
alhamdulillah, wa salatu wa salamu ala Rasulullah wa
ala alihi wa sahbihi wa ma wala.
We welcome you to another episode of Ask
the Imam.
That is a program that we have established
to ask you questions.
And if you need fatwa or you need
clarity on certain matters and issues, you can
always contact us through the email asktheimam, all
one word, at themasjid.org.
That is asktheimam, at themasjid.org.
As-salamu alaykum, Shaykh.
This is a sister who is really serious
about premarital, you know, counseling and courses.
She took a course with one of the
institutes.
And she's asking about, you know, she finds
like too much involvement of family and in
-laws can cause major issues, even leading to
divorce.
So how much should a family, whether you're
family or you're in-laws, be involved in
your marriage?
Bismillah, alhamdulillah, wa salatu wa salamu ala Rasulullah.
Speaking of which, I'm so proud and happy
that in Clearview Exam Center, we provide also
premarital counseling.
And it's a component of two things.
One, something online that you listen to, attend,
and after that, you book a time with
Shaykh Ibrahim to discuss one-on-one some
of the issues that you have seen online
or answer a question before you get into
marriage.
How much family should be involved in your
life?
I would say it is important for you
from the beginning on relationships to put these
guidelines and to agree with your spouse on
these issues.
Marriage is a private thing.
So I think general rules, parents should not
be involved in their children's life except in
a form of nasiha, advice.
When it's not orders, it's not demands, it's
not controlling, it's just an advice.
Because it's so important for you to give
your children their own, to create their own
experience in life.
And yes, you give them your, share with
them your experience, share with them your opinions,
but at the end of the day, that's
a decision they have to make together, him
and her, her and him.
So you might tell them advice, but let
them do their own conduct, let them carry
that life responsibility, because they carry the responsibility
of their actions as well.
There are certain things, you have to design
where you want them to be involved.
So whenever you have a question, you ask,
hey, what about this, what's in regard to
that?
And with this, I will say, you invite
trouble if you keep asking, if you keep
sharing every single detail, you know, in your
life with your parents, sometimes it can fire
back.
And it depends on the manner you're sharing
as well, you know.
I think there is a difference between complaining
to them versus, for example, seeking their advice
or sharing the happiness.
Also, be careful about sharing negative things with
parents in a manner that keeps them angry
at your spouse, even though you might figure
out the way, or you figured it out
already with your spouse, but you never told
your parents, by the way, we made it
up, we are already in peace.
If this been said, I want to say
also, some people go to the other extreme,
they go through a serious problem in their
marriage and they don't share anything.
Don't talk to your parents, but I have
a serious problem.
For example, I know a sister, she told
me she did not have an * with
her husband for over a year or a
year and a half.
Why?
Because he is incompetent.
I said, why didn't you speak about it?
I was shy.
I didn't want to tell.
You mean impotent.
Impotent, sorry.
Impotent.
He was impotent.
He can't basically have an *, an erection.
That's something you should share, you should talk
about.
First you deal with your husband, you go
and you take medical attention, but it didn't
work.
Somebody, for example, violence and show like he
was drugs or somebody like physical abuse or
drug abuse.
You know, these things you need to share
and you talk about and to protect it,
to be protected.
There's a family involvement, but I'm talking about
like a daily life activity, which is things
are normal things between husband and wife.
Sometimes involving the parents too much can cause
problem because in the end of the day,
I want to choose the color of my
house or paint, you know, what kind of
bedroom I want to sit.
I want my kids' names, you know, my,
you know, vacations where I want to spend
all my money, investment.
They can give an advice, but in the
end of the day, we're the one who
make the decision together, me and my husband,
me and my wife.
And usually this problem happens when they live
together in the same house.
So what do you take on this?
My take is, first of all, the wife
has a right, Islamically, to have her own
house, you know, and you should do your
best to provide that.
It's your best interest to have your own,
because the house, the ship have to have
one captain.
The kitchen has one chef, you know, the
house has one queen and one king, you
know, you can't have two.
It's not going to be a struggle between
your mother and your wife.
You have your own like space.
So that's why I would say it is
important to balance this.
You don't cut the relatives completely, but also
you're involved in the way you think it
will be positive, helpful, and in the end
of the day, if there's a good relationship
between your spouse and good communication, you can
eliminate most of these problems.
And if there is element of some parent
or some in-laws, sister-in-law, brother
-in-law are too nosy, too aggressive, you
know what, you need to put some kind
of red line.
But my advice, don't ever let your spouse
make you the person between him and his
family.
He wants you to confront his sister.
He wants you to confront his parents.
No, no, no.
You deal with your sister.
You deal with your parents.
I don't make my husband deal with my
sister and brother.
I deal with my sister and brother.
I don't let my husband do that, you
know, because they will take it from you
and accept from you because you're a daughter,
you're a son, but not from your spouse.
And may Allah make it easy for everybody.
Yeah, I mean, the issue of, you know,
living with family, I know there's a lot
of like financial restrictions and things like that,
and sometimes they probably have to do it.
But we have faced so many problems with,
you know, where, you know, the person would
feel like if he or if she lives
outside of the family, you know, household, that
they're committing, you know, a complete sin or
they're abandoning their parents or their parents will
not live.
And, you know, I think in what I
see is there's a lot of emotional blackmail
there happening between, you know, inter-families and
you have parents who practice that.
You have children who practice that where, you
know, in order for them to, you know,
make the person do what they want, they
practice emotional blackmail like, oh, if you don't
do this, I don't know how I'm going
to live without you.
Exactly.
Or they pull their Iqooq card and say,
yeah, I'm going to make dua against you
or things like this.
That's a good point.
The only situation I see when there is
a health restriction, like your parents need medical
attention.
If your mom goes through chemotherapy and you're
the only son, you're the only daughter, that's
a different thing.
You know, she cannot live on her own.
In this case, you have to, but I
would say to every couple out there, it's
worth every penny you invest is to make
your parents live near you, even if you
have to cut someone if you're expensive to
work, but provide for them apartment, next year
apartment, a house next year, a house.
You know, make your best to make it
a big house where it can be divided
completely.
Yes, the boundaries are clear.
You know, even if it's a burden financially,
but the reward of having peace and enjoying
your life because, you know, you also want
to be strong and comfortable in your life
in order for you to be able to
help someone else.
Again, thank you very much for watching.
Communicate your questions to us through AskTheImamAtTheMasjid.org.
That is one word, AskTheImamAtTheMasjid.org.
JazakumAllah khair.
Wabarakallahu feekum.
JazakAllah khair.