Waleed Basyouni – How Do You Create Healthy Relationships with Your Chosen Family
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Tonight, I would like to speak about
an issue that
unfortunately
have caused
so many
marriage to fall apart
or couples to be apart from each other's
family
to be disconnected,
parents
to be disrespected,
spouses
to turn against each other.
In many cases,
a real problem that
not limited to one culture,
not limited to
one
type of marriage
But unfortunately, even among those who are married
and they are
related to each others,
you see the in laws is an issue.
Those who are not related to one another,
in laws is an issue.
Those who are from
Arab background,
Daisy background,
white and Caucasian white
background,
black background, Latino background,
I've dealt with people with from all these
backgrounds,
you know, people from South America, people from,
you know,
very very diverse background. I all of them,
I have dealt with issues
and problems that cause and tension
caused by the in laws.
I would never forget when I was one
time I was googling, you know, about in
laws across culture.
And I hear some of the forums and
some of the complaints, some of the issues
that came up, and there is so much
similarity.
I remember when once I saw a link,
it says, what do you do if you
miss your mother-in-law? And I said, maybe this
will be a good article, and it was
a joke. It says reload and try again.
It was just a joke. You know, I
thought it's gonna be something serious, but,
you know, it was very hard to find
actually something positive online
about in laws.
The reality is also there are so many
beautiful in laws out there.
You know? I myself a father-in-law.
I hope I'm a good father-in-law.
You know?
So,
what I'm saying is there is a lot.
I have in laws
and then they are beautiful.
You know? Couldn't ask for any better, alhamdulillah.
And by the way, when we talk about
in laws, you know, it's not limited only
to your mother-in-law, father-in-law, but also sometimes the
problem comes from sisters in laws,
brothers in law's,
family that that that basically the other spouse's
family.
And it's not only the problem comes from
the wives in law's side of family or
the husband's side of family or the mother,
in law.
But
there is a large number of complaints specifically
about
the mother-in-law.
And I I looked at the reason why
there are so many problems around in laws,
especially
mother-in-law.
And I found that
one of the main reasons, and I want
you to pay attention if you are married,
this reason will help you to know the
cause of the problem so you can deal
with it. If you're not married
and you have children about to get married,
pay attention to these points.
I think one of the problem comes from
the wrong type of love and jealousy.
Many of these problems are created because
the in laws, the mother-in-law, the father-in-law,
you know,
they feel
that their son, their daughter
love their spouse more than me.
And they feel threatened by that.
And they start acting and behaving in,
in a way which is not reasonable.
It's because of that
unfounded,
fear.
They feel that, you know what, I might
especially the mother,
she feels so close to her daughter, so
close to her son and all of a
sudden, you know my son and my daughter
now giving more attention to someone else more
than me.
Someone, like, became a threat to me. That's
why they behave in a defensive mode.
And it became so,
you know, defensive and so sometimes in attacking
mode as well.
And I think that's that's one of the
main reason
I found, in many cases that I dealt
with,
that I found that in the end of
the day, it she feels that, you know
what?
I think we've forgotten.
I think he doesn't care about us anymore.
I think just basically, that's what it what
what she feels.
And if you know that,
and let's say
she the wife
having a hard time from her husband's mother-in-law,
And if this is the the issue and
this is the cause of the problem,
here the the son has to reassure his
mom of his love to her.
You know what? And the the wife have
to assure her that you know what? You
still have
a a love a love and a type
of love that's so different.
Nothing can shake that status of you.
No. I'm here to actually empower that love.
Sometimes
parents
don't understand the difference of love that I
give to my wife is very different than
the type of love that I have for
my mom and my sisters and my family.
Very different. That's why, you know, for example,
my wife, she doesn't feel like threat by
my love for my children because she understand
and the and the husband the same thing.
Because the way you love your children different
than the way you love your parents, different
than the way you love your
spouse.
It's exactly like, you know what? My wife
never she felt threatened
by, you know,
my love for drinking coffee in the morning.
You know, we're not the competition. My love
for coffee is different than my love for
my wife.
That's right.
We we understand that these two different type
of love.
But sometimes when it comes for whatever reason,
the mother, when it comes to the daughter-in-law
or,
you know,
she feels threat or the son-in-law, they feel
threat that he took her away took him
away from me. And that's why you see
some cultural advice.
Make sure you disconnect her from her family.
You know? Make sure you take him away
from his family.
You know, this reached to the level that
in some of the books
of some of the books of it says
like this, who the best wife to find.
Textbook
of. It says
They they mention, you know, the the quality
of the wife, the birth perfect wife.
And she has no mother.
Unfortunately, because of that
so it is something that there is I
feel there is a there is real
issue
but also there's a lot of exaggeration. So
one of the thing you start exploring the
reasons behind that and one of it is
this can be the wrong understanding
of the concept of love and they feel
jealous and they feel losing the love of
their children.
Also, another thing is not understanding
the new stage of their children's life.
And this is so important to understand. A
lot of parents don't understand. They don't see
their children growing
up children.
They see just see them children.
So their expectation
of my son and my daughter after married
almost equal to the expectation before they get
married. So whenever I call them, I expect
them to show up.
So whenever, you know, we used to have
dinner all the time and you see them
around all the time, I'm expecting to see
them around me all the time. That's not
the case.
Your child
or your your your son or your daughter
entered a new stage in their life,
And that new stage, it means that they
will be busy.
They will have family.
They will have more you have to adjust
yourself to the new stage. You can't just
think you can depend on your son and
your daughter all the time financially or for
time wise or for attention or whatever, service.
You have to understand exactly like I understand
my son when he goes to college, he's
not gonna be the same like the way
he was when he was in high school
or middle school or elementary school.
And my daughter, the same thing.
Understanding this is essential.
And I'll tell you from the from the
get go, from the beginning,
make sure that the one who make them
understand, make sure that they understand this before
you get married.
Make sure that you if your parents are
the kind of person don't understand,
you know, that you are in a different
stage, you're now working person, you're now, you
know, starting your life,
they have to make you make sure you
work with them to understand how their children
goes a different stage, and each stage require
different way of dealing with them and different
expectation.
Another reason,
the fear of losing the relationship with their
children.
They hear all the stories. She gonna make
him forget about She gonna turn him against
us.
He's gonna turn her against us.
So there is so much fear
and fear when it
fear is the worst motivation in my opinion
many times. Just fear for itself
or unreasonable fear.
So when there is there's some time the
the parents
are have this fear of the in laws.
So what the fear make them make them
unreasonable?
Request, you know, attacking mood and very defensive,
you know.
And when this happen, that means you have
to assure them. You have to take that
fear away.
Also, one of the reason for this problem
to be created with the in laws,
not fulfilling one's duty towards his or her
parents after marriage.
Sometimes you cause that. In many cases, I
have found, the parents said, you know what?
It's been a month since we saw him.
I'm not talking about the honeymoon. I'm talking
about like later on.
A month, he will not call, she will
not call.
You know, for example, let's say your family
depend on you financially.
And after marriage, you cut them dry completely
without talking to them,
and you know that they need your help.
So you see that there is some rights
and deeds of your parents, you start
neglecting it. What happened? Because you're my son,
because you're my daughter, I'm not gonna accuse
you. I'm gonna immediately assume that your wife,
your husband is the one who making you
away, turning you away, who's making you not
to spend money on us, who making you,
you know, don't care about us.
Because I love my son, I love my
daughter, I will always defend them. It's a
natural thing.
So sometimes you bring it yourself when you
don't fulfill the rights.
But again, when you fulfill the rights, you're
gonna balance that.
They understand the expectation is not gonna be
the same as when you before getting married
or for example, having a job.
Another reason
which is when you marry your spouse without
your parents' approval
against your parents' will.
What do you expect in the future?
And that's why I always tell young people
when they wanna get married and their parents
opposing their marriage,
I said, remember,
we're Muslims.
In a sense, we're not just a a
man and a woman. That's it. No. Young
men and young women, listen to me carefully.
We don't just live for ourself, we are
family.
We are a family.
You're not gonna
cut your parents because you acquired a spouse.
And I'll tell you from the from the
beginning,
there is no man and there is no
woman
worth
giving up your parents for.
Just keep that. There's no man and a
woman worth that you give up your parents
or you you sell them out or you
cut them off or you drop them from
your life for.
And if somebody willing to drop his mom
and his dad and forget about them for
you, one day he will forget about you
too.
And I'm not talking about special cases where
the father is abusive or, you know, the
father is this or that. I'm not talking
about that.
Like, you know, especially when it come to
sexual abuse and stuff like that, I'm not
talking about this kind of like very rare
cases
or the random issue. I'm talking about like
a normal relationship
in in in the in the circle of
norm.
We're not we're not gonna be just me
and my wife. It's not a nuclear family.
Muslims are connected to their mothers, to their
fathers, to their in laws. So you're bringing
the family together. So when you go against
your parents' will,
this is something that might cause friction in
the future
and will always be something that's in their
heart.
By the way, even if they agree later
on,
it still can be a problem.
Some people said, you know what? Maybe I
will put them
as who said, I'm gonna put them the
matter of the fact, you are married now.
So your parents find, you know what? I
have no opinion about it.
Some parents I have seen come along and
things became better,
But many of them, they still have that
bitterness inside their heart. And it became, you
need to triple the effort just to win
the heart
of these
parents.
Also,
entering into the marriage while the in laws
already have
preconceived
negative opinion regard the spouse.
And that's so important, especially in the time
of the engagement.
So for
instance,
So he got in his mind that, you
know what?
This person is lazy.
He's not a hardworking person
who come into my I'm humiliated.
I'm just like that.
Maybe the person is really trying to find
a job and couldn't find a job apply
for a job. So I don't give an
excuse. You're ready. I will judge him. Yeah.
Because your husband is lazy. Your husband never
cared to get a job. He never was
a real man. He's not a personal responsibility.
Yes, dad. But you really apply. No. No.
No. Khalas, I already have that.
You know what? She doesn't like me.
From the beginning, she gave me that look.
So Kharaz, the wife will be always always
filtered all her actions through that
preconceived judgment.
And I will always interpret your actions based
on the frame that I put you in.
So that's why it is so important when
you get married, especially you all know, I
see a lot of young people here. Make
sure you remember this, first impression is very
important.
Make sure that you have a good impression.
So you the parents will always see and
if you miss the first impression, it doesn't
mean that you're doomed. Now you always can
re
introduce yourself but make sure that you create
the right frame for who you are.
So if you can avoid any negative,
you know,
character
judgment in the beginning, do your best.
And if there is a wrong judgment of
your character,
I think this should be addressed.
And you should show the opposite of that
through actions, not necessarily through words.
These
are tips for those who have problems with
their in laws.
Number 1,
realize
their rights as your parents
and also
as your spouse parents.
What I mean by that?
You always remember that this is your mom,
this is your dad in the end of
the day. They have certain rights has to
be fulfilled
and you can't compromise on that.
But also remember that your wife also, she
has her parents and this is her rights.
They have rights over your spouse.
And it has to be fulfilled.
Like one of the weird things that I
see,
you expect
you expect her
to treat your mom
your mom as if she is her mom.
Okay? Which is the client, by the way.
Your mom is not her mom.
Your mom is your mom, not her mom
or not his mom.
The rights that you have towards your mom
is not equal to the right that your
wife has towards your mother or your husband
towards
your mother.
But it doesn't mean there is nothing. No.
There is still there's certain if I love,
I respect my wife and my spouse, my
husband, I'll respect his parents.
It's part of my respecting my my my
spouse, respecting the my spouse's parents.
But they're not
my parents.
They don't have the same level of of
rights over me.
You have to cook for your mom, but
your wife doesn't have to cook for your
mom.
You have to clean for your parents, but
your spouse don't clean for your parents.
If they do that, that's jazaam alaikha. Thank
you. That's nice of you. That's a good
manner, but but we don't have to. Some
people have this notion that it is must.
That's not there's no sharia as in that.
But the shari'as said have a best of
manners, treat them nice, be good to them.
And this this was
well established in the
the statements of the Ulama
from a very long time.
And I know this can be a culture
shock for some people, but that's the reality.
Also,
another thing is when it comes to the
right, you have some spouse, they try to
not understand. Like for example, he will not
support his wife to fulfill her rights toward
her parents.
And I see this more from husbands than
than wives.
Like, you should be always encouraging your wife
to contact her mom, support her, pay for
her. You know what? I'll pay for you
to go visit your mom because you wanna
get rid of your wife. No. Because you
really want her to be connected with your
with her family.
That's important for you to do that.
Innocent
people said, oh, you know what? My mother,
she she's a matayeb.
Sheikh,
you know, my mother-in-law, when she talked to
my wife, my wife always comes filled with
anger and problems and stuff like that. That
does not justify for you to cut her
from her mom.
You can talk to your spouse. You can
talk to your wife about it.
You can't cut her off. That's haram.
Kaqarahim,
one of the major sin in Islam, to
cut tie with your parents.
And husband cannot be the one who encourage
in such behavior.
It should be the opposite. And the same
thing with the wife, should never ever stop
the husband from being connected with his parents
or abusing them.
Mentioned a story
of a man that his wife,
she kept, you know, braining brainwashing him and
do, like, and and whispering to him until
he decide to,
you know, tell him, just get to her
with your mom. She's too old.
And he decide to take her,
you know, to the desert and just put
in abandoned places and leave her there.
And in his way
and in his way not I mean, to
kill his mother.
So he took her to the desert and
he he killed her. It's it's a a
fiction story.
Okay? And he killed his mother for his
wife.
And he took her heart out because his
wife said bring her heart to me.
So when he took her heart and he
was running back,
he's he basically trapped in a
in
a in a rock.
So the heart spoke and said, are you
okay, son?
So the son felt so guilty
and he took the dagger that he killed
his mom with to stab himself with it.
Then the heart said, please don't kill me
twice.
Please don't kill me. Don't stab me twice.
That's the heart of the mother.
You know? So
he said,
you need what I'm saying here, you should
always
remember that that, you know, you can't ever
turn your spouse against their parents.
So the more you do of this, the
more your the the in laws will know
how noble and good person you are.
And that will increase to the love on
the relationship.
Number 2,
try to understand their culture and personalities.
And that's an important thing to do in
the beginning of the relationship.
Try to understand their personality. And I'm not
gonna say do the personality test 1 or
2 or 3, type 1, type 3, type
6, You know? But you know what? What
a bad idea to understand where what's their
personal. What is their, you know, their their
way? Some people are very calm.
Some people would like to talk. Some people
like, you know, people are different.
Recently,
I was traveling to overseas.
So I had some of the
distant relatives, some of the relatives
speaking. I'm speaking on the my kids were
freaking out because that person was speaking and
even their English is not very strong. So
this, you know, person holding a knife while
talking.
And
and the table, the dinner table was like,
you know what? You guys are so good
to have you here and, you know, in
a broken English and a wild knife. The
miner
said, Baba, what's up with this knife lady?
You know?
Lady knife,
you know, it's a culture shock. You know,
they don't mean that. Some people when they
talk, they talk like this.
That can be a threat to some people.
Hey, I got you.
Now she's gonna shoot me.
You see, sir, it is
I don't even understand the culture, especially if
you come from a different culture.
Understand? But this is also applied to the
parents.
If yours if you're for example from a
Desi culture and your
son
married an Arab lady,
you the way the Arab culture treat their
parents,
very different from the way Dae Cee treat
their parents.
And even among the Arab culture, there are
subcultures.
There's for example, some culture when they see
their parents, they have to kiss their hands.
Some cultures, they kiss their hands. Some said,
how are you doing back? That's it.
Not because he doesn't kiss your hand or
touch your feet, it means he's not obedience
or he's not good.
I'm not even talking about bigger culture gap
on somebody, for example,
Hispanic and somebody
Japanese and somebody, you know, very different. So
understand the culture
so you don't fall into, you know,
the problem.
Even inside the one culture,
like the Desi culture is not the same.
From Bangladesh, different than India. North India, different
than South India and so forth.
So understanding the culture of people is so
important and also specific culture to the house.
Maybe there is certain
specific culture to this house. They used to
1, 2, 3. Understanding this will help you
a lot to connect faster.
Also,
9 of 10.
You know? And he that's how how he
presented.
Your success
with people is based on
let it go.
Let it go. And out of 10 things,
9, you should let it go.
And I say, let small things go.
Don't pick a fight over everything,
but
it has to be things you can't let
go.
There is red lines that cannot be crossed.
And with cross, it's very hard not to
be crossed later on.
3rd line, I cannot let
my father
yell at my wife,
my mother yell at her,
rather hit her, for example,
or yell at her.
No. That's I I maybe I yell at
my wife, but you don't.
My father, my parents don't.
You know, I tell my wife what to
do. You that's that's my wife.
Make sure this is understood and this is,
hey, this is cannot happen again.
Or for example, using false language.
These certain things cannot be done,
you know? And these can be
in the beginning. If you let it go
and you scared to speak about it, it
will become a much much bigger problem down
on the road. It's much easier to deal
with it in the beginning
than in the end.
That some some parents
is speaking, for example, about even that intimate
relationship.
They involve themselves in it.
No.
And and that's unless there is a need
for that,
like
a a a problem or advice or something
like that. But some people involve themselves to
the most personal thing.
Also,
but for the small things, let it go.
Not every time. You know what? Your mother
that day, you know, made a comment, Halastom.
You don't need to pick a fight over
everything.
Also, understanding
the party's limit for one for one's of
the
the marriage.
Or,
from the beginning of the marriage. I said,
for example,
you know what? My father smokes.
It has to be clear from the beginning.
You know
what? My wife cannot be in the room
when you smoke. My kids cannot be in
the room when you're smoking.
That's very clear.
You know what? Some parents, they just watch
TV. They don't understand r
or x.
Maybe x, they do. R or a p
g 13
or whatever.
But r is not normal,
especially those who don't understand English very well.
You know what? My kids cannot be around
when you are watching
movies like this
where you use false language. My I can't
I'm not allowing this.
And I have to be firm about this
and clear about this.
So there is certain things like you know
what? That's
also some of the financial issues as well
inside the house.
One of the most strange things came to
me.
A brother who is in his forties
called me
and said, Sheikh would be allowed for me
to lie to my father.
I said,
no,
but why?
He said, Sheikh,
my company would give me a bonus.
Can I not tell my father about the
bonus?
And I became more suspicious about this. I
said, Danny, why in the world would your
father even know about your bonus? And he
said he said because
when my salary comes, it goes to my
father's
account.
Aren't you married? He said, yeah. I have
4 kids.
I said, and why your salary goes he
said, my salary goes to my father and
my wife money goes to my father, then
my or my my money goes to my
father, then my father give me money to
spend on the kids. So I wanna take
the kids to Disney, but my father would
say that's a waste of money.
You know, you were not allowed that.
Okay. So I don't wanna tell him about
the bonus so I can take a bonus
and use that for going to the Disney
with my
kids. So his father I know his father.
And he said, why why your father demand
that? He said because the prophet, sasawal, said,
antawamalukalibik.
You and your wealth belongs to your father.
I said, but this hadith does not mean
literally that everything you earn is his.
Because if you die today,
your money will not be automatically
do all of it goes to your father.
It will be inheritance
divided between your children, so that means it's
your money, not your father's money.
This hadith is talking about, you know what,
if I go to my son, for example,
or Umar,
and I need, let's say, $5 and I
see his wallet, and I open his wallet,
take the $5 to pay, you know, the
guy at the door,
you know, I'm not considered a thief. That's
not a sin.
If I go to my daughter's house and
open the fridge and eat from it, I
don't need her permission for that.
I need her permission to go to some
stranger's house and eat from their friend.
And that's what the hadith is talking about,
things of that nature.
But to say that the whole entire salary
goes, that's just for me, these are things
has to be from the beginning. Put If
you open the door, you have to put
a lemon.
Like, and it happened a lot with some,
you know, in some culture,
the daughter, all her money goes to her
parents.
They will take it from her.
That's not correct. If you want to do
this as a sovereign donation, that's fine.
Also,
my advice, do not involve in laws in
all details at your home.
Keep a healthy destiny.
But don't involve them in all the details
because if you involve them in all the
details, they think that they have to be
involved in every details and that's what prop
the always the devil in the details.
Another
point,
live in separate homes.
It is your spouse's right to live in
a separate home.
You know what? I advise every parents,
I advise every children,
don't live with your children.
Don't live with you no matter how the
nice person you are.
That's their right to experience
an independent life.
In the end of the day, there is
1 man and 1 woman
in the house.
I'm not talking about exception rules where the
parents
are
need medical attention.
If you can be an independent,
don't live with your children.
Live near them. That's fine.
But don't live with them. Oh, they have
the upstairs.
The 1 one father telling me that day,
I he said, what's so why?
They just I I give them upstairs room
and there is, you know,
a
a
bathroom.
I said, do you think it's very comfortable
that every time they wanna take a shower
in the middle of the night and everybody
shower coming on?
Why?
Is you know, do you think it's comfortable?
What if they you know what? They want
to go watch TV naked.
They want
to, you know, wear her shorts and box
or she wanna go with her underwear or
what whatever.
That's her house. What if I don't feel
my comfort in my house, where I'm gonna
feel my comfort with?
So and I'm sorry to say that but
some parents act and say things as if
so
then you have to understand
that.
That's their right also not only to these
areas but also,
you know, they will feel shy to show
their love to each others in front of
you.
I know in the old days, life was
not as, you know, we all will live
in bigger houses but life change.
Give people the room to be independent,
to live their life.
Wallahi, it's worth to spend money and to
bring another apartment next to your apartment or
a house next to your house.
Invest it worth the money that you're gonna
put because I'm telling you, as long as
there is you're as long as you don't
have your own home, you will be always
there is something missing in the house. You're
not the queen of the house. You're not
the king of the house.
Also,
another one, it's important,
consult them, don't complain to them.
Please
don't bring problem with your to yourself.
When you complain to your parents about your
spouse,
you fill them with rage.
And
if I go and complain about my wife
to my mom, my mom wouldn't will be
okay. But inside her heart, she will have
something against
my wife, and it will build up, build
up, build up, build up.
Because they're complaining about her.
What happened? You and your wife, you make
it up. You go back normal in love
and stuff like that, and your parents' home
boiling.
They start angry. You know what? She really
missed my
son's life. And she you know what? He
abusing my daughter.
So what happened, it became so negative.
So don't complain to them. Consult them. Ask
them for advice.
That's fine. But complaining is not something I
will advise you to do.
Be a good wife and or a and
a husband so there is no space for
criticism.
Keep them busy with the role you want
them to play in your lives.
And that's another tip that I think you
should always think about that.
I you can't just expect they have zero
involved in your life. Like, you can't say,
hey, your parents have nothing to do with
us, have nothing with the kids. No.
Your mom has nothing to do with my
life. It can be. She's part of the
family.
But you can design and direct
where you can be involved. Like, for example,
the kids.
I don't want them to to teach you
can't expect to have zero
impact on the kids, but you can involve
them. Hey. I want you to to take
them fishing. I want them to take them
to the, you know, this area. I design
what exactly I want what kind of role
they wanna play in my
children's life
or in my life?
If you don't keep them busy with what
you think is the good idea,
expect that they will be putting their nose
in area that you're not gonna be happy
with it necessarily.
And I'm sorry for the expression.
Gifts.
Get in the habit of giving in your
in laws gifts.
Gift has has amazing impact.
And Nabi shalasalam said,
exchange gift because that bring love.
Bring love.
So make sure that you always when there
is a travel, when there is opportunity, when
there is a good habit occasion, you know
what? Gift them.
Visit them often,
but not too
often. Sometimes,
keeping a distant distance and a little bit
of gap. Al Hasan al Basri
When you visit,
you know, in a time which apart from
each others, you'll be loved more.
So one of the thing that I will
advise
is, you know, be in contact with them.
Don't let month goes by and you never
talk to your mother-in-law or father-in-law.
Send them a nice message.
Try your best to be connect.
And again, there is a different culture, different
expectation.
Some culture, they expect from you every Christmas
to talk to them, for example, non Muslims.
Or every Thanksgiving
or every, you know, New Year, stuff like
that.
That's the time where family connect. But there
is no Muslim
in laws, you know, who expecting from you
every month, every every every week, every whatever.
You you that's part of studying their culture.
Visit,
go travel to them, spend time with them,
invite them to come.
But when you invite them to come, also
clear.
Because some of the problem you know, one
sister told me, my mother-in-law comes and she
live with us 9 months a year.
12 months.
And 9 months is is a lot of
time,
and the and the house is not meant
for someone to live as a guest for
9. That's not a guest. That's something moving
on.
Unless there is a reason, medical care or
surgery, I understand that.
If you're gonna give them 9 months, maybe
you can rent an an an an an
RNB or something like that for them.
And there is nothing wrong with being honest
about it. There's nothing to do with not
loving them, not being familiar. No. Because the
the nature of life today is different.
If it's temporary, it is temporary.
Be patient with it.
And that's another tip, be patient.
Sometimes, you know what? My mother, she just
wanna stay 6 months. You know what? It's
gonna be it's not gonna be all the
time. This is 6 months. You have to
be patient with it. This is 2 months.
Be patient with it.
Learn how to, you know, to have Saba.
But while you're requesting from your spouse to
be patient,
you have to show support.
Another one,
be forgiving and just. And that's for both
sides.
The in laws and any the father and
mother in laws or sisters in laws or
the the spouse as well.
Be fair and just with them and also
be willing to forgive.
And forgiving forgive me. And forgiving
is not a one time thing. It's an
ongoing process.
One time I was telling somebody
about
khalas forgiver. She she said to me, a
sister, she said to me, but she wronged
me.
I said,
I know.
That's why I ask you to forgive her.
You forgive those who wronged you.
Yani, who you forgive? The one who done
good to you?
You forgive those who have done something clearly
wrong to you
and you forgive and you move on.
And I always say, forgive and forget. And
if you couldn't do both, do one of
them
or be sufficient. Go ahead.
A quick two tips as well.
One thing that somebody told me that it
worked very well,
and it take that jealousy and then love,
not understanding the nature of the love that
you have towards your spouse versus your parents.
Today, I always ask my wife
to praise my mom in front of me.
Or no. Sorry. I always tell my wife
that I'm gonna, you know, sometimes even this
stage it with all my respect. That's
this stage that. Like, for example, his mom
coming, and his mom's so proud of her.
She makes the best biryani ever.
She think her biryani is unmatched.
Okay? Or her,
you know,
Mansaf is the best Mansaf.
Yeah. And
the.
Okay? It's the best Mansaf ever.
So his wife makes that mansaf and make
that, you know, biryani,
and he will eat. And he said, you
know what's your heart? Your manserv is good.
Your Priyani's ex, but in no way
close to my mom,
Manserv.
And she said, you know what? I agree
a 100%. Now, you know, I should have
not even cooked that. I put myself in
trouble,
You know? Because I know she's the best
meant oh my god. His mom, she is
somewhere in the 7th, 7th or 6th, 7th.
She's up there,
She's so up high, so so, yeah, and
he happy.
You know? Oh, you know, my husband, masha'Allah,
you know,
fix this.
But, you know, I'm sure he got this
from his dad because, you know, his dad's
the best handyman.
You know? Like my son, Yusuf, people tell
him, oh, your father.
Oh, imagine that his wife said, oh, your
dad is a handyman. That's why you learned
that from, oh, oh, I feel so happy.
Even this, I'm not the handyman. I'm not,
like, any anywhere close to that. But you
you make the father feel very special, the
mother feel special.
That take instantly any sense of competition
between you and and them.
This is this works very well.
Also,
make a lot of du'a for them,
in front of them and behind them,
for your in laws.
Make sure you understand your in laws are
are are so unique.
They
are a beautiful addition to the family.
And there's a couple of things before I
I move to the last point of my
talk tonight.
Sometimes
part of not understanding the new stage
of your own life.
So let's say you and your brothers are
very close friends.
You and your sisters are very close friends.
But your brother's wife
or your sister's husband,
not necessarily
to be
the one your spouse will click with them
very well.
She married you. She didn't married your brother.
You know, you married him. I didn't marry
someone else.
So don't expect because you and your brother
are buddy buddy,
it means my wife and his wife will
be buddy buddy. That's not really the case.
So make sure you understand that and don't
be angry about that. That's that's fine.
There is a certain level of decency and
respect and and expectant, but don't expect that
they have to go every night and spend
the whole night, you know, every weekend together
and like, you know, every vacation together. Not
necessarily to be the case.
Just be reasonable in your expectation.
Also not understanding the state, you used to
go and spend every night with your brother
playing games and stuff like that. Khalas, you
have a wife.
You meet not every weekend with your with
your with your with your brothers and sisters
and
your sisters
very close to each other. You have a
husband. Not every weekend with your sisters. Not
every weekend,
every night, every other night you spend with
them
when you close. And you neglect your the
rights of your family,
your children or your husband or your wife.
So understanding the stage that you're in will
determine also what kind of, you know, relation.
I'm completely,
completely
against
cutting off your friends and just because you
acquired a spouse.
I don't believe in that. I think you
should have friendship. He still have the family,
the connect but make sure you balance that.
Order of advice to the in laws.
Give your children chance to gain their own
experience in life. Don't be angry if your
advice is not taken.
Advise
rather than order.
Discuss rather than threaten.
Be confident in your children's love towards you.
Be an element of success to your children's
marriage, not an element of stress.
Don't involve yourself in details.
Every generation, they have their own way of
life.
You understand? The mother said, I would never
talk to your dad this way. How dare
she talk to you this way? Yeah. But
you're not I'm not my dad. You're not
her, but
that's very different generations.
There's not a disrespect, it's just a different
way of talking.
You know,
my mom used to do this, my dad
do this, like, you know, my mom used
to to treat my grandparents.
Every generation is different. Every culture is different.
Remember that you are not in competition with
your son-in-law or daughter-in-law. You have higher and
better status
in your children's hearts than anyone else because
you are a parent.
And
make dua for them. Try to win them.
Be nice.
And we ask Allah
to give success to
all
families and all those who are married
and to bring peace and tranquility
between
those who have struggle and and differences and
disagreements.
I will leave the rest of the time
for your questions. If you have a question,
comment,
you're welcome.
Okay. How can you deal with parents who
are completely against marrying from outside the culture?
Her family were Jew.
Married people from Quraish, people outside Quraish.
You know, Islam encourage us. Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala said,
Allah can lead us different race, different different
tribes so we get to know each other.
So tell them from a startup perspective that's
that's
good. Number 2, set
you know, why I want from the same
culture?
Mahou, we have to understand why the why
their why parents
want you to marry from the same culture.
Number 1, because the mother
wanna make sure that she can connect with
her daughter-in-law.
Can you imagine if my mom, for example,
only speak Arabic
and my wife only speak English? It will
be difficult for them to connect. I understand
that.
If they if they are so close to
each other, it's gonna be a it's gonna
be a it's gonna be a barrier.
It's get so the mother would be so
scared that this will lead to disconnect, a
problem. She wants to have someone she she
can talk to to understand her culture.
So
you can tell her, don't worry. My daughter
is very good in sign language,
you know.
My wife is good in learning languages. You
know, my wife is just you know, just
don't worry about that. You know,
give her sense of comfort
about her fear.
You know, there's not language be a barrier
in the beginning but you know what? We
can pick up that.
My my is very, you know, adapting to
culture, respect different culture.
So
why they want? They want because
they want to make sure you're happy.
You know what? I know my son.
He's not gonna be happy if somebody, like
all the time, give him pizza and canned
food. You
know, my son just needs good meals. You
know, I want to make sure that he
marries someone who will do the pasta and
the rice and the kushedi and the thing,
you know, from the same culture. You can
tell. You know what? Don't worry, mom. You
know, yes, I might send maybe someone look
from the culture,
but somebody similar to me.
Somebody have similar culture to me.
And I wanna say to all the parents
who can hear me tonight,
You might
be of Arab descent or Desi descent or
whatever or Hispanic,
whatever your background is.
The reality is your children
are a mix of whatever your heritage is
in American
culture.
So my kids are not Arab. They are
Arab Americans.
My kids are not Hispanic. They're Hispanic Americans.
My kids are not Pakistani, Pakistani Americans, Bengali,
Bengali American, the Indian, Indian Americans.
That's a unique culture.
An American culture has a cross culture.
So tell her then I will marry someone
close to me.
I might
you want me to marry someone from overseas
I cannot relate to at all.
You might relate to her or to him,
but I'm not gonna be related to him
or her.
You want my success, you want my marriage
to be successful,
And you
can. And also, I would say this,
I don't think it is a correct way
of approaching marriage to say, I'm not gonna
marry for someone from my culture.
You tell them, I'm open to marry a
girl who is from my culture, let's say
from Pakistan. I would love that.
If I see someone really good match, I
would love to do that.
So you don't close the door for them.
You know what? I would love to marry
an African American, you know,
person. Share with me the same culture.
I'm open. I'm not a closed minded.
The point is not what's your background. The
point is who I want to be married
to, who I love, who I relate to,
who I connect to, who's close to me.
So maybe this kind of thought will help.
Najim asked a good question.
He said
the hadith in Nabi sallallahu alaihi wasallam
where
3 people were stuck in a in a
cave and a big huge rock blocked the
exit.
So one of them said, You Rabbi,
I used to
always bring milk to my parents to eat,
to drink from it.
And one night, I was late
and when I came back, my parents went
to sleep
hungry.
They didn't eat because that's the only food
they have, that milk that he
drink from the sheep or the cattle that
he has.
And he felt so guilty that he came
late,
that he said, I was standing next to
their bed. I don't wanna wake them up
to eat,
but at the same time, I don't feel
comfortable just to go sleep and feed my
kids
and my family while my parents went to
bed hungry.
So he stood up right there waiting for
them to wake up so he can offer
them the food, and after that, he can
bring to the family.
Until the kids sleep
and he spend the whole night waiting for
his family and parents until the morning, then
they saw him and said, why are you
smitten the night? He said I couldn't
go to sleep or couldn't go away and
I don't wanna wake you up.
He said, John, if you know that I
did this for your sake,
help us.
So the rock moved a little bit.
So Najib said, is that means that the
rights of your parents
comes before the rights of your children and
spouse.
I don't know any scholar ever
comment on this hadith
and drive rules from this hadith to say
such thing.
The the point of this hadith is this
man's love and care for his parents. The
point in this hadith has nothing to do
with
him didn't give his this was a personal
choice from him. It's not a legislation.
It's a story. The moral of the story
is
that he felt
that he doesn't wanna just how much respect
for his parents, that he doesn't wanna wake
them up, nor he couldn't go just to
relax. I don't care my parents, you know,
hungry or not hungry as if, you know,
the least of my
any
any,
the least of the thing that I will
pay attention to are
important to me
or something not very important to me. It
is so important to him to the extent
that he spend the whole night like that.
But Ilham Raheemullah said,
the the the first person
have rights over you financially.
Number 1 is
your wife.
So let's imagine a scenario that you have
one dirham.
The one who owes this money to the
first is the wife,
before anybody else.
And I don't know any disagreement among the
Muslim scholars about that.
Why?
Not because
wife more important than mother or father. No.
Because
your mother
should be taken care of by her husband
and by
her children,
by her brothers and sisters, But your wife,
there is only one person take care of
her.
Obligatory on him to take care of her,
which is
her spouse,
her husband.
That's why sharia put her first.
But I'm not saying, hey. I give my
wife a car and and, and, all the
luxury things that my my mom needs. No.
I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about
the absolute necessities.
Okay?
So
and after that, your children because you're responsible
for them.
Okay?
And I couldn't this is an imaginary scenario,
but in reality, in real life, there is
no way I can imagine this happening, especially
in modern days.
There will be always a room to give
to your parents, to give to your children,
to give to your wife.
It's impossible
in in modern days to imagine a scenario
whereas
there's only $1 in my whole entire life.
I give it to either
feed them or feed them.
Almost do you have an option to give
a little bit to you and a little
bit there.
But if this means anything, it shows you
the the importance of your family on you.
So
smart people
don't ever put themselves in a position where
I have to choose either a 0 or
a100,
either the far left or the far right.
Okay?
Don't ever put yourself in a very narrow
angle where I don't have multiple choices.
You always put yourself in a way where
I can do multiple choices, multiple things. I
don't have to to choose between my wife
or my
mom,
my parents or my children.
That's not a that's not
you put yourself in this position.
Yes. There is a tip I wanna say
that I've been thinking about it all day.
Now it came.
And it's one of the most important tip
of tonight.
Don't ever
Let your spouse
deal with your parents.
You deal with your parents.
Don't ever let your spouse
make you deal with his parents.
He deals with his parents.
Don't ever tell your wife, yeah, I want
you to tell my mom this and this
about kids. No, no. Habibi, you tell your
mom. You be a man and tell your
own mom that.
You know, tell my dad about this. No.
No. You talk to your dad.
You talk to your mother.
You don't ever put your spouse between you
and your and your don't hide behind your
spouse
because that's not healthy. That can that can
be damaging.
In in very rare scenario maybe, but in
general, no.
You, you know, your parents, your parents will
forgive you even if you cross the line
the way you talk, even if it sounds
harsh a little bit, they'll forgive you. But
they will not easily forgive your spouse.
A lot of
brothers sometimes hide behind their wife and make
their wife do the, you know, the dirty
job for them or the beat the bad
cop. No, don't do that.
Or he's scared to confront his parents.
What do you expect?
Her to do that? No.
So that's this important tip that's very important.
And unfortunately, I found this also to be
a very
big problem in many many marriages and many
problems created because of that. Because of the
husband not willing to take the stance, speak
to his parents or the wife not willing
to talk to talk to her own family
about this.
And your wife's not gonna talk to your
brother. You talk to your brother.
Right.
Let's
pray.