Waasief De Vries – Marriage, Divorce, and Family Law
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the concept of "annuilding," a safe and emergency lever that can be used to avoid a divorce, and the rights of a wife and the importance of men being aware of their behavior and avoiding harms. They stress the need for men to be respected and treated with respect, as well as the use of words like "istic" and "istic" to describe emotions and behavior. The speakers also emphasize the importance of respecting decisions and emotions in relationships, treating men with respect and avoiding harms, and honoring women's rights.
AI: Summary ©
So before we start again, it's just if the ladies would like to
come down and sit on the right hand side, they must welcome to do
so. Inshallah, if they come to upstairs, no worries.
Just to touch on briefly, what we spoke about last week.
Last week we touched on, we ended off with kafa, which was
suitability. And it was very important to note there that that
type of suitability, which we discussed, certain traits over
there
was, you know, when we speaking about annulment, when there is
actually rules or or laws for annulment, when there's no
compatibility, it also touched on a bit of what to look for in a
spouse. Then we, we moved on and and we discussed some intimacy.
You know, what is the rights of a husband and what's the rights of a
wife, which he didn't go too much into. I think we'll start off
tonight's classes with regards to that. We won't be getting too
explicit, but we will, you know, we want to deliver the message as
best as we can. So I'll let the questions you know guide you know,
where we're going to take this talks. Inshallah. So before we
proceed, the question that came up last week was with regards to
divorce and and annulment. So even though we will be touching on that
into more detail in the weeks to come, I thought I just, you know,
just have a look at those questions. Because was the only
questions that that, you know, it came from one person, and it's the
only one that came up last week. So the divorce versus annulment.
The first question was annulment, meaning the marriage is null and
void from the start, as if a marriage never took place.
You know, what's the wisdom and purpose of this? So let's first
look at the wisdom and the purpose of annulment. So annulment is like
a a safety, let's say an emergency lever. You know there's a
emergency lever. So you have gone into a contract, and now you are,
you know, you are bound to that contract, and I cannot leave that
contract. But what happens if there's an emergency, there's
danger, you know, somebody's life is in danger in terms of
contracting a transferable disease,
or, you know, you actually, you were deceived. You were deceived,
just a weird example. I don't know if this ever occurred, but it's
just an idea. Let's say the man is castrated, right?
Or the females,
you know, there is, there's, there's an impediment to having
sexual relations with her. So that is one of the main ideas or
purposes in marriage, one of them. So if there is somehow an
impediment there, there's an emergency lever, and you can pull
that emergency lever and the marriage is and the marriage is
annulled. That is done by the Kali, and he have to go to the
judge, you know, now, represented by the MGC. And that was
discussed, it's the first body that was formed in Cape Town, you
know. And that was discussed the you could go to other, you know,
bodies as well. But in Cape Town, we go to the to the MJC, and
there's an appointed Kwasi judge, as they say. And then, you know,
that is how the Nauman process will go. So for example, if you
find that the man is, you know, he's a he beats, he wants to beat
up someone, when he becomes angry and the wife becomes in danger.
Or, you know, somebody's a drug addict and they hid that, and
that's something very dangerous, then you can pull that lever of an
ailment. So then the husband doesn't, you know, he doesn't
cause the divorce, nor does the wife cause the divorce. The Kabi
would actually look at her, you know, if it is as as somebody is
stating it, and if it is like that, he can actually pass he has
the power to and now that that particular marriage. Now the top
question Is it like it? It never existed, not quite so we will
discuss this in detail, but you have to look at, when did this
defect occur? Did it defect occur before? You know, relations,
because if it occurred before relations, that's going to affect
the the Mahar, you know, the the dowry. Does he have?
Still give the dowry or not. If there was relations, he still has
to give the you have to give the dowry. That will also affect as to
whether there's going to be a Aida or not. You know, there's going to
be an Aida, a waiting period or not. So, yes, it does affect,
there is, there is some effect after that, then is it necessary
to disclose the prospect of of you know, if somebody this happened,
there was an annulment, you have to tell the partner that there was
an annulment.
You don't have to do that. You know, it's not necessary. It's not
compulsory. It's not going to affect the marriage contract, the
new marriage contract at all. However, there is some deception.
There is some deception that takes place because the man wants to
marry a version, for example, and she might have had relations
before, or he wants to marry someone that wasn't married
before, and you know, vice versa as well. The lady wants to marry
someone that wasn't married before, and you are putting up a
front and you are advertising yourself as someone that you know
the Esam type of deception. So we might regard that as nothing, but
the partner might you know that might be something that they want
to know. So these deception involved, and it might not be the
correct ethical or moral or moral thing to do. So these type of
information should be disclosed,
you know, but again, it's not compulsory. It's advised,
advisable. The third question, what are the legal implications?
Well, we discussed that already. With regards to the dowry, there's
going to be some implications as to whether before, after
relations, and also, it will also affect the the waiting period. I
hope that, you know, give some solace to those who ask the one
who asked that question. So tonight, we actually want to look
at
what is the rights of a
of a wife. Okay, we look at the rights of a wife, you know, in
terms of, once she gets married, what is her rights? And then we're
going to look at the rights of way
of the husband. Alright, that's how we're going to start this
class. And I'm going to be using the reliance of the traveler as a
navigator, you know, because, just to keep us on track, let's see,
alright? So the first we speaking about conjugal rights. Okay, this
might be again, we're going to just touch on the surface. We
don't know who's watching out there. We don't want to make
anybody feel uncomfortable with the children.
But there are certain things that needs to be spoken about. There
are, there are certain things in this field that is being done that
is completely unlawful. Okay, completely unlawful.
Allah subhana wa Taala says that, just to give you a guideline, that
your spouses, nisawkum, it's a health it's a tilth. What is meant
by a tilth is if you are a farmer. Okay, so this is me being not
blunt, but the opposite of blunt. But you need to take a indication
if you are a farmer and you want to plant your seed, then you have
to tilt the ground so they push those plowing machines, then it
like turns the soil upside down, and then, then you can plant the
seed in there, right?
You're not going to plant your seed where things don't grow.
That's the idea with them. So your your your woman, are you tilt in
that sense, in the in terms of the conjugal rights, they are a tilt
to haruta Kum you can go to your tilth from in any way you want.
Okay, the Jews,
they thought at that time, there was a group of Jews that thought
that if you let's say there's a front entrance to the tilth, and
there's a back entrance to the toast,
right? So they thought, if you come in from the back entrance to
the tilth, then the child is going to be born. Squint. Then this
verse was revealed to say, no, that's not the case. Your woman is
a tilt to you. You can go to that tilth Anna,
however you want, okay, however you want. Now, understand this
Islam,
there's a lot of regulations guiding the beast, the beast that
shouldn't become, it shouldn't just be let loose. There's a way
to let that beast loose. Okay, we are not guided by by our desires,
and thus we are completely different to animals. You know, we
don't just go after what we desire. Islam learns us to put the
bridle on that beast so we can control that beast, so it lets us,
it allows to fulfill our desires in a way that is permissible.
And everything is permissible from a with a, you know, with regards
to a female, from the top of a head to the bottom of a feet, that
is permissible. But obviously, remember, the seed must be planted
in a tilth, not in a place where, you know, seeds cannot get over,
okay? So if you need me to be more explicit in that, then your your
questions are welcome. But we speaking about the, the Zoja,
first of the the wife. So I'm just going slightly away from the text
because, you know, we just want to discuss a few points over here. So
what is the rights of a wife? Number one,
yeah, fafu is ojati. I will estimta. So the generally, the
scholars, I'm just going to give you an overview over here, the
Shafi don't regard this as compulsory, but it's, it is
compulsory to make sure that you're well your wife is in a
chaste state. She should not be in such a state of desire where she's
desiring to do something that is haram, her husband has to see that
her needs are met, that the desires are fulfilled. So, you
know, this might seem something very obvious because of the
mainstream media out there. You know, we all want to be heroes,
and we think we're going to be heroes and save the day and the
first night, sometimes you become from Hero Asmaa. What would they
say? From hero to to zero, right in one night? And this leads to
feelings of inferiority. You need a doctor. You need to see all of
this because the expectations is not understood. That is a science
that must be explored. Nobody wants to speak about that. Right
for every science is men to teach that science. There is, there is a
study, right? There is an activity, it's a physical
activity, it's a emotional activity, it's a mental activity.
And there's a science towards that, right? There's do's and
don't do's. So a wife has the right to be fulfilled. It's so
sad, even though it's, it's, you know, it's very difficult to speak
about. It's so sad that men don't sleep with their wives, and they
deprive their wives some sexual relations for a long time, you
know. And they go and it's hurtful to them. It's hurtful to them, you
know. And this sometimes goes on for weeks and months and sometimes
even years, okay, where her needs are not met, okay, where needs are
not met. So suffice to say, it is compulsory for a man to see that
her wife is is chased. With regards to that well, you know, in
that regards. So it's not just all about taking, it's about giving as
well. Alright,
it will also lead us to a discussion later on, when it comes
to contraceptive, and you have the natural contraceptive, which is
called coitus, interrupts. We, you know, you're filling up a tank,
but the petroleum pull the thing out before you fill the tank. And
you already pay for the tank, you know. So the driver is going to
get quiet because, you know, the petrol is now. It's supposed to
you're supposed to wait until the tank is full. So we're going to
speak about that. Is that permissible? Etcetera. So we'll
get there. So wife has to be fulfilled. Well, we can, you know,
with the coitus interrupt this thing. Okay, let's just wait.
Secondly, yacht, dubur ya salam, I'll translate this hadith for
you. So the Dober is opposite to the Kubal. The kubar is the front
private part, and the Dober is the back. Alright, so the Prophet SAW
makes this hadith. I'm not going to translate it again in Allah.
Halaya, stahi min al Haqq,
the prophet sallam, said that Allah is not shy of the truth.
Lata tu Nisa, do not approach your woman. Fiat Barri, hinda fi hinna.
That means the that is haram approaching a female from the from
the the rare side is, is haram. Now, when we say that, we
remember, put this with the Hadith, or put this with the
verse, Nisa, oh, come. How to lakom your woman or a toast. You
can approach that till from anyway, so long as you're planting
the seed in the tilth, okay, and the seed shouldn't be plant in the
again, you don't want to take the nozzle. So this is as implicit as
I can be. I can't, you know, putting the nozzle in the exhaust
pipe that is haram. That is haram. And as funny as that might seem,
as difficult that is to speak about. This sometimes happen in
certain parts of our community, and you find out that wife
complains years later about something like this, right? It is
haram. It is a sin, okay? They are they are Hadith against that,
right? Very explicit, a hadith. Malaun atamara, Atan fiduburiha,
as a matter of fact, those who practice those type of actions,
they are.
Cursed. Okay? They are cursed by Allah, subhana wa taala. So be
weary and be very careful of that. Okay, walaina Hum liforuji have
filled on Illa, Allah azwaji, OMA, malakat, emmanu. Then, you know,
we're not going to speak about slavery at that time. It's not,
it's not applicable, so we'll just skip that completely. Then, AZ,
AZ.
This is called coitus interruptus, right as
many, yeah. So going to coitus interruptus, why would somebody do
this? This is a, this is a natural means of contraceptive. Okay,
there are certain cycles that woman goes through. And if you can
understand that cycles, you you'd know that she's more prone to fall
pregnant at certain times of the month, and certain times of the
month she won't fall pregnant. The chance is extremely low, right? So
if you are going through you want to practice contraceptive, the
first thing is, is it permissible? Is it not permissible? What do you
think? What do you think contraceptive permissible or not
permissible?
So here's the argument against the fact that it is permissible that
look, if Allah wants you to have children, you have children. Even
you're not gonna have children. You know can have children. It
doesn't matter what you do. So again, with that regards, do you
think it's permissible or not permissible? I through a good,
good counter argument. So if Allah wants you have children, even with
the contraceptive, you will have children. So it is permissible,
provided your understanding is correct, your understanding that
you cannot stop what Allah, subhana wa Taala intends.
Um So the Prophet actually asked about azan. Why would they want to
practice azan? Because they wanted to sleep with certain woman folk.
Sometimes they were slaves, but they didn't want children from
them. So the Azal took took place where we you know, the the the
satisfaction so to say, would take place outside of the lady,
the prophet Islam, responded to them, saying, ISNA uma Bada, do
what you want. Fama, Kaaba, Allahu, Taala for Waka in what
Allah is going to you know, what Allah wants will happen. And
walay, Semin, kulima, Iya kunu, walad, the prophet sallam, this is
not every you know, if you were to satisfy yourself within your
spouse, it doesn't mean you're going to have children, right? And
it doesn't mean if you satisfy yourself outside of your of your
spouse, doesn't mean you're not going to have children. Okay,
there is a science behind that. Not going to go into detail with
regards to that, unless I'm I'm asked, How is it possible? Then we
can speak about that, inshallah. But there's something very, very
serious we need to discuss here, and I'm going to go beyond the
shyness that I might feel to protect I know our sisters,
if you are going to practice coitus, interrupt us, understand
that you might be hurting the female be you know, you might be
hurting them. Nobody. You know, she's not going to complain to
anyone. You know, if she gets hurt, she might complain to
someone about something physical, but this is something that can be
shameful. This is something that nobody's going to really complain
to someone else about. And she might be, you might be harming her
for many, many, you know, for a long time. So you must make sure
you have a permission. According to the Shafi Aya, it is makru
without her permission. Okay? So you need to request of a, you
know, for and then also men, has to be physically fit. This is a
you need to be fit,
you know, because it's, it's exercise that you need to endure.
Fasalu, Allah victory in kuntumla, Tala moon. Ask those who know, if
you don't know, so you can be shy to speak about this. I'm just
opening up the discussion. I did allude to the fact that I do feel
that this has to be a dedicated class to intimacy. But this is,
you know, it's not the platform I'm making mention of. This is
because men be careful of how you treat your wives in the bedroom.
You're going to be questioned in the court of Allah. You will be
questioned in the court of Allah. You have no right to hurt your
females, and you have no right to deprive them from satisfaction.
That is the reason they got married to you. They are your
trust and you have to look after them. They are slaves of Allah
subhanahu wa. It's very, very you know, it's hurtful to hear that
females do not feel satisfaction either, because their husbands
simply don't care. You know, they they are more concerned of not
having children, and they make as coitus interruptus, and the female
is left unsatisfied, and she doesn't want to complain to
anybody, right? So be wary of that, and be careful of that. This
is a trust me, ALLAH SubhanA wa Tala, guide us.
Regards to all matters in life. Okay, the fourth thing is to to
live with him in a beautiful way. Ash,
now this is, this is
you have to put this in context in terms of society. So Allah doesn't
say you need to argue why four times a day, nor does Allah say
you need to at least here in the morning and in the evening, or you
need to visit in afternoon, or you know you must bring home flowers,
or you must bring home food. Or that is dictated, that is
translated
in terms of society. So this is very important. If you look at
Kapha compatibility, and you need to look at compatibility, look at
what type of lifestyle she has, and you try to provide you with
the equal lifestyle, unless she says it's okay. But you need to
know what she's in for. She need to know what type of environment
she's going to be dealing with if she's going to be sharing a
kitchen. She needs to understand what is the do's and don'ts if
she's going to be sharing a household. She needs to understand
what is the do's and don'ts. Again, females are treated like
slaves, right? They are treated like slaves in certain families,
and we know this is because they might feel that they come from a
they they are a better family, and she's from a lower family, and
she's treated like a slave. You know, it goes sometimes for the
man as well, where he's treated like some someone that is, but
generally it's, it's more to the females than the the males. So
live with them in a beautiful way. If it is our tradition that, you
know, you bring flowers, this is our culture. So we have a cultural
thing and we have it an additional thing as well. You need to look at
both. If the culture is conducive, if the culture is good, Islam can
accommodate those particular you know, you know if it, if it's if
it's a birthday, for example, okay, this is a, this is not even
a hot topic. And I know people make a big thing about this, like,
you know, it's bida that that story, long time gone. You know,
where action is considered to be bidah. The bida is you actually
called, you know, is your belief. But for example, if she's used to
practicing a birthday and she's expect something over there, maybe
you must tell her happy birthday. People watching this are going to
say, you know, this is bida haram. That's just, you know, being
unscholistic, you know, make that statement, right? This is not bida
treat in a kind way, in a way that she expects to be shown kindness.
And ladies, they have their own idea and their own way in which
kind they should be interpreted. Learn the language of females.
Females don't have the same language as men have, right that
men say things and they mean it. Ladies say things and they don't
mean it. So when she says that, everything is bothering me,
and then it's just one thing, you know, oh, there's no problem that
needs to be solved. It's just her emotions that is expressed on a
tongue, and nothing needs to be solved. She's some she she simply
needs to be validated. It's nothing you must do. It's just you
must understand she's going through a difficult time. So this
is all living with females in kindness. Okay? Allow ladies
tongues are sometimes looser than that of a man. Okay, therefore the
palak is given to the male because the male's tongue is a little bit
tight. The emotions not just going to spill out. Mind you some in his
like that. They're more feminine, so they're quick to give the the
word of palak, which should never come across our lips unless we
intend that, but that is not given to the female because it will
happen quite often. You know, more often than not, maybe monthly,
they would want to tallak, you right, 12 times a year, every year
for the rest of your life. That is how so Allah allows them some
leeway. Okay? So we shouldn't treat them. We shouldn't be too
rigid with them. Okay? And in the same way, lady should learn to
respect her husband, respect men's decision. The guy is driving down
the road and he's navigating, and she feels he's taking all the
wrong roads. He's driving too fast. He's driving to slow. Men
are mechanical. Is a mechanical thing. When it comes to mechanical
thing means don't like to be told even though they're wrong they
don't like it. So you need to respect decisions. Not everything
is stupid. No, you're not always making the So learn to respect the
decision. Make him feel like a man, make him feel like a leader,
and then you will lead. Then you will learn to be accommodating to
your emotions as well. So these are living with each other in
kindness, conflict resolution. You will understand conflict
resolution is also part of living in kindness. How do you manage
your problems? How do you deal with your problems? And this is
also what the Prophet,
you know, gives us many.
Me
ideas of how to actually solve our problems. You know, the idea of
don't go to bid,
you know,
fighting is that the idea, yeah, don't go to bid, fighting, you
know, don't go to bed angrier, but they don't tell you the other
part, what's the other part, rather stay up and fight. You
know, nothing like that. So there are certain guidelines. For
example, watch your tongue. You know words like an arrow set
loose, so be careful. Rather freeze other words, if, if,
especially a men, freeze when the words are coming. Don't have to
respond. Just freeze if you can't do that flight, and then the last
thing you don't do is fight. When I speak about fight, I'm talking
about like, engage in argument, you'll never win. It's impossible,
right? You cannot win an argument with a female. It's not possible,
right? So these are all living with kindness, understanding the
differences, and this is actually what marriage is. All About,
conflict resolution. How do you solve your problems? Not avoiding
problems? You're going to have a problem. A marriage with no
arguments is a marriage that's actually going to end very soon.
It's a marriage where people don't express their emotions. The wife
is too scared to say anything, you know, and the husband doesn't
really want to engage his wife, and you don't want to say what's
in his mind, because he's scared of an argument. So that's a
marriage going down, marriage that have arguments, but it's
controlled and conflicted resolution. That's a good
marriage. It's just an idea. Ash, live with him in kindness. If you
are father, allow your daughter to make mistakes, allow your son to
make a mistakes, especially mothers. Allow your son to make
his own decisions. Allow the daughter in law to make her own
decisions. They also have to walk their path in life, and part of
freedom is we are allowed to make mistakes. I didn't marry your
mother. I married you. Okay? So that is goes on both sides, and it
didn't marry. Marry your father. I married you normally. When you
want to have a discussion with the wife and the father must come in.
It doesn't have to be like that. Ashiru Huna bin ma aruf live with
him in a beautiful way. Okay, that is the idea of marriage. So if
you're thinking, everything we're saying is just rigid coming from
this class, that class, it's not like that at all. Okay? There's a
whole other signs of intimacy and emotions and all of those things.
And that's the real cracks we need to get to, okay? That's the real
questions that needs to actually come up. Uh, men needs to feel
like men and females need to feel like females. They must be
respected. Okay? It's a, it's a
swap of rights and duties. Then al adelbaina niswa. So this is if you
have more than one wife, then you have to be, you know, just between
the four of them. In our society, it is not advisable, generally not
advisable. In each individual case, we can look at the cases and
in sometimes it might be advisable. But generally this is
not advisable, the opinion of our teacher. And there are other
opinions out there, and you are allowed to disagree.
But generally the opinion was that the Sunna of the Prophet
salallahu, Sallam is to stay with the wife, one wife,
you know, because she was the one that was with you in times of
difficulty. She saw you grow, you know, from one degree to the next
degree. It is not really fair in this opinion, that when a man, you
know, he reaches a certain age and he is established in terms of his
wealth, then he wants to take another wife, then the one that
was standing with you through thick and thin, she has to step
aside now, and she has to accept someone in a presence, and you
pull out the car that it is permissible, not everything that
is permissible is advisable. Okay, so my personal view that I'm
sharing with you, that I'm sharing with Mufti
Rahima Allah and many other scholars is stick to one wife,
especially in the society If, however, there is a need, Islam
doesn't prohibit you from taking another wife. It doesn't prohibit
you from taking another wife. But rather, look at all the
implications. Don't just look at your nafs. If you're following you
enough, you're going to have a problem, because what if you eat
number four and now you want another wife that is haram. This
also brings us to another discussion of LGBT and all of
those things. We don't want to go into detail with that, but
Islam only allows sexual relations in a marriage, in a valid marriage
between a man and a female, alright, that is when sexual
gratification can happen from one person to the next. Again, we're
not looking at slavery here. It's not really prevalent or relevant
in our times. It can only happen between a male and a female, a
from a male to a male, It's haram from a female to a female. That
is.
Also haram from a human to an animal. It's haram, right? So
there are certain that is just completely prohibited. And no
valid school would actually allow anything like this, no valid
school of thought. You will get isolated ideas always okay,
reading the text in the wrong way. It is totally haram. It is always
been haram. It's not a gray area. It's a black and white area.
Having relations with same * is completely haram. Having the
desire to have relations with the same * is not haram. That isn't
haram, that emotions that you might be feeling is a place for
that in Islam,
you can verbalize that emotions go to someone as I'm having these
emotions, and then that would have to be directed, and the counseling
will have to be take place. But remember, keeping that desires
back, you'll get rewarded. Acting on that desires is haram. If you
act on their desires, you are sinner and still in the fold of
Islam. If our everyone to make the argument that it is permissible to
have relations with the same *, then you are out of the fold of
Islam. Why? Because you have denied something that is known of
the religion by one and all. It's not something that you need to
figure out. This one says that, that one says that all scholars
say the same thing. The act is haram. So if the action is done,
the person is a sinner. He has to make tawba. He makes to make
tawba, Allah can forgive him. He can still attain Jannah. You can
still be protected from the fire of jahannam. He is a sinner, like
any other sinner, but if he argues that this is permissible in Islam,
then you are not talking about the Islam that we talking about that
is something else you are out of the religion of Islam. It might be
a touchy subject, but we not scared to speak about this. This
is black and white. Again, we're not going to ostracize anybody. We
don't, you know, we have justice to everybody. If somebody
verbalizes that, you know, he has to be treated with respect. He has
to be treated with respect and kindness. We don't, you know,
we are not racist in that, you know, against anybody, violence
against anybody. We don't make anybody feel bad. That is not part
of a Muslim, okay? It's not part of a Muslim. All we saying is that
the act is haram, okay? And we not saying that. Allah says that very
explicitly, in the Quran and the Prophet Sallam says that very
explicitly, the desires that you feel doesn't take you out of the
fold of Islam. It doesn't make you a sinner as well. The desires must
be kept back mind. You something you might not, you know, realize,
some people that have an attraction to the same gender also
have a
an attraction to the opposite gender. It might not be the same,
it might, might not be the strong, but the desires can be fulfilled.
Okay? You get something called crypto failure. No, that's the
word. Is crypto file somebody wants to steal. He has this desire
to steal. You know, he has money, but he wants to steal. It's a
strong desire. Where does it come from? He doesn't maybe, know he
needs to steal.
That emotions that you feel doesn't take you out of the fold
of Islam. If you steal, you are going to give get punished,
because it is haram to steal. If you keep back that emotion, you
will get rewarded if you fulfill your desire in a correct way by
buying that. This is what we are requesting. This is this is the
outlet for your satisfaction. Okay, so, and if you strive Allah
subhanahu wa open up doors many a times. If you look at these people
in these categories, and you look at the lives they lived. And you
look at the past, you'll find that some scholars say that this is due
to some abnormal you know, something happened. There was an
accident. There was something in the upbringing. Many cases, I'm no
expert on that, and that is a gray area. So that is my own personal
opinion. That's my own personal reading to the issue. Alright,
doctor, dakid Naik has that same opinion. He says that he's a
doctor, and he says in all the cases that he came across, the
person actually knocked the head, that's what he said. You can go
check that up. Okay? So,
yeah, I think we can move on from that. So we need to make sure that
ladies are treated well and understand that ladies are
jealous. If you're going to take another wife, it's going to harm
her, it's going to harm her again. This might be permissible in some
cases, some guys can pull it off, and both women can be very happy.
They can be loved. There's no problem with that. It's no, we're
not saying it's possible. Generally it's not advisable,
because generally it doesn't work in our society, the second
marriage breaks up and the first marriage breaks up as well.
Families become destroyed. So men do not act on desire, complete
desire. Is it permissible? Yes, if you want to do.
It you can. Nobody can stop you, because Allah has allowed it. Just
understand it might not be advisable. Alright, so
let's move on. Now we're looking at the rights of of a husband.
Okay? What is the rights that a husband has? Number one, the
obedience of his wife, the obedience of a wife to the
husband.
Looking at this hadith,
lokun to amuron, ahadan, Ayaz judali, ahadim, Lamar, tool
Maratha and TAs Judas ojiah, this is a Hadith that sometimes
misunderstood, because if you look at it, it's kind of like a it can
be placed as an IT can be understood wrong. The Prophet says
that, if I will, if I could have commanded anyone to bow down to
anyone else, it would be that the lady would bow down to a man. What
type of bowing down is this? This is that many certain rights she
has to obey Him, in terms of what does she has the amount of power
that he has, she does. Why is she a follower? Why is a man a leader?
Because both can't be a leader. Is going to be turmoil, right?
There's going to be turmoil this whole feminist movement, which we
just, you know, we spoke about this not, not too long ago in the
1970s that came up, where females want equal rights, not equity.
They want equal rights, not understanding that ladies have
different needs. Men have different needs, and thus Allah
has assigned different duties to each one of them. So a man, a
lady, must obey a husband when he is leading her correctly, the
minute he commands her to do something that's going to harm
her, something that is immodest, some that is, you know, unjust
towards her. She says, I do. I choose not to obey you. So She
obeys Him out of choice to because this is the position that she
chooses, alright? And what must she obey you? For? Does he tell us
it? And she says, and she said, Stand. She stand. Nobody on the
planet understands things like that. You know, this is when she
is, you know, the husband, in a general sense, that says that,
look, I prefer you not leaving the house because it's after eight,
because it's dangerous. We stay in a dangerous area. I don't want you
to go to the shop, if I'm, for example, I'm working night shift.
I prefer you staying at home. So a lady should stay at home obeying
her husband for the sake of Allah. Okay? She should obey her husband
for the sake of Allah. He's commanding her to do what is just
right, what what is good, you should look out for. That is why
he's commanding her. If he sees that she does not know how to
perform, you know, Sada etcetera. He should teach her to perform
Salah and and vice versa as well. So a lady, she has veto power,
just as much power as a man, in terms of her rights, but she
doesn't take that out all the time only. When a man steps out of
line, when he steps out of line, he says, Look here, I don't want
you to speak to your mommy anymore. Don't like her, or, you
know, you need to cut ties with your brother. I don't like him. I
don't want him here anymore. She can say, no, no, no, you have
overstepped your boundaries as well. And she's not alone. There's
many ladies suffering out there. She doesn't know the rights that
she has in Islam.
You know, the Muslim community is there to protect her. She goes to
the Kali and to the judge. He says, My husband is treating me
unjust. He's being unjust towards me. He will come in. He will get a
hiding, maybe physically, but they will reprimand him. Okay, so a
lady must obey a husband. A lady that dies and obeys a husband,
because it's not easy to obey the husband. It's It's take sacrifice,
because ladies are very often more intelligent than a man, much more
intelligent. So for her to obey. You know, it's nothing wrong with
asking, Why are you saying this? And to discuss the matter, but she
must understand his Shura. Did the Prophet ever obey His wives? Of
course, did he take counsel with his wives? Of course, at the soul
of hudabiya, he told the the Sahaba, you need to slaughter. And
nobody listened. The Sahaba didn't listen. They were shocked. They
were depressed. They thought they going to enter Makkah, and now
they must go back home. So they didn't listen. The Prophet didn't
understand, he's commanding them to do something. It's a command.
And they didn't listen. So he went to he spoke to his wife, and she
said, I don't know what's wrong with these guys. They're not
listening to me. So Allah said, I'm just putting it in context.
She says, look, they just shocked. They don't understand all. You
need to just go out and slaughter and you'll see they'll do the
same. And then he takes the counsel of his wife, and then, and
that's what happens. So counseling you need to make sure with your
wife, mashura, okay? And then whatever decision is reached there
mutually, the man say, Okay, I agree. And because he agreed that
would be his command, and she would be obeying him like that.
It's not about being subservient. That is not what it's about. It's
about both people cannot take the same role. They cannot take the
same role. Okay? So
I hope that is clear. It's not about being subservient at all.
It's just Allah.
It is given certain rights to the female that is different to the
male. When it comes to decision making, one must make the
decision. It cannot both make the decision. And Allah has given that
right to a man, okay? And Allah has advised him to treat it with
kindness, to take a mashura and then he makes the the decision.
Alright?
Again. If you were to tell her to do something wrong, the other
words, she says, Look, I don't know how to perform Salah
properly, and I want to go to a class to learn how to perform
Salah.
So either you teach me to perform salah, or you teach me to recite
the Quran, or I'm going to a class, right? That's your choice.
So the husband, in that case, cannot say, you can't go. She said
you can say what you want. Allah has given me the right. That is
when she doesn't have to obey him at all, alright? And and examples
like that.
So number two, Amana Allah. So look, he's the idea is men were
usually, traditionally out of the house most of the time, and
traditionally, females were in the house most of the time. And it's
not just when she's in the house or outhouse. It's not a lady that
cannot work, etcetera, but she has to protect his honor, his dignity,
his belongings when he's not there, because he protects his
belongings and her when he's present. So it it's a mutual thing
that so when he's gone, we're going to protect you know, we're
not going to allow any man to just walk into the house. How do you
feel? You come home and there's this guy sitting over there
waiting for you to come home, and she's entertaining them. So she
shouldn't allow people like that in the space, you know, and even
females that is, that he's not pleased with. They might be a lady
that is a bad company, you know, she might be on drugs, or she
might be a bad influence. The husband says, I don't want this
female here, then she shouldn't allow him. She shouldn't allow
that female to be there. But remember, this is not veto rights.
You know, when we learn Nikah and we think, yeah, we got all the
rights, and ladies just going to say, I obey. I obey. I obey. You
got something else coming. You need to treat your wife like the
Prophet Islam treated his wives to the best of our ability in order
for them to treat us. You know that the way we want to be
treated. Ladies are very powerful, extremely powerful creatures, you
know, of Allah subhanahu wa, they can control you like you don't
know what's happening, right? They have, they have another sense. You
know, Leo's a typical example. She goes to her husband and say, Can I
go to my mommy and you think, Hm, I don't think so. Alright, because
I just exercised my right. She she's, you know what? She says,
Okay, fine,
I can't go. And now she doesn't speak to you know what's wrong?
Nothing, nothing's wrong. The guy's getting angry. You're
getting angry because I said, No, no, no, I'm not angry. Don't get
upset. And the guy's whole day is spoiled because he want to act
like a you know? You want to act like a tyrant. Uh, she has a lots
of power, you know, even though it's not like physical things in
terms of our rights. But ladies are very powerful, so you need to
treat him in a way that Allah subhanaw taala and Muhammad has
guided you to treat him. Look how the Prophet treated his wives.
Okay, look how he treated his wives. He was intimate with his
wives as well. And that is also in Hadi, that is also part of our
legacy. There are books written on that. You might be surprised, to
be intimate with your wife. There are books written on that, again,
this is difficult to speak about, but you many people, there's,
there's a whole thing of being impotent, like, there's a whole
section in the pharmacy, there's a whole organization, there's a
whole campaign getting that. I'm not actually looking, there's a
word I'm looking for
advertising bombardment. With regards to this, many money, many,
you know, monies are made out of this. It is being exploited. Okay?
So Islam has the answer, Islam as the key. Okay,
so again, ask those who know. If you do not know, there are people
in those fields, there are books in those field. Don't go to the
wrong books, right? Don't go to the wrong books go don't go to the
wrong people, especially in this particular field. Alright, then
Alma ashrab, a lady has to live with her husband in a beautiful
way, the Prophet says. Matara tubafitnatan Here, Abu Asmaa Nisa,
I haven't left the fitna greater to you. Oh, men than that a woman,
they can be an angel or they can be a devil. It's up to you how you
going to treat them, and they will reciprocate. Okay? The best gift a
man can have is a suitable spouse, not a pious spouse, a suitable
spouse, alright? And the opposite of that is is true as well. So.
He needs to treat a husband in a beautiful way. Okay, don't always
put him down. Don't make him feel bad, you know. Don't always
question his judgment. It can happen sometimes, but don't do it
on a continuous basis, because you're going to break him down and
he don't feel like a man anymore. And if he doesn't feel like a man,
you won't feel like a leader. If he doesn't feel like a leader,
he's not going to guide you anywhere, and he's not going to be
very accommodative to your emotions that, you know, come
certain time of the month, ladies get moody, and they want to be,
you know, moody. They want to be angry. They want to say certain
things, and men have to allow them to say those things. They have to
allow them to complain. They have to allow them to become a bit
angry, but that's not going to happen. If the lady doesn't treat
her husband with respect, then he's not going to treat her with
compassion. Ladies are more emotionally driven. Men are more
mechanically driven. There's this left brain, right brain thing that
people speak about you can, you know, look it up. The right brain
is your very autistic feminine or emotional side, and the left side
is a very mechanical side. So men are more mechanical and ladies are
more emotional. Okay, so
ladies should treat your husbands with respect. Hakutah, dib Li zoj
So fita di bizo, jatiha, Inda nusuzia, now ladies sometimes do
not want to obey their husbands and resist. There's a system that
they need to go through, and that system is, what is this? Where's
the verse?
That's that, that very yeah, here you go. Wahjuna, fimaribu,
Huna, so the first one is What
advise them. So if they don't listen, you need to speak to them.
Okay, you need to speak to them. Can't find that first part of the
verse,
wahna, fin mabaja, just before that, Jana, give them advice.
Look, you went out. I told you not to go out. She says, Yes, I had to
go out. I needed time from the shop. And, you know, I didn't
really, it's not really a big thing. She look, it's not really a
big thing, but something bad could have happened, you know, and, and
I told you not to do it. I prefer you don't do that again either.
She says, Look, I'll just do what I want to do. You know, you're not
going to tell me where to go and when to go. I'm my own person. You
know, if I go to my parents, when I want to go, I will go. I'm not
going to ask you. If I go to shops, I'll just go to the shops.
I'll come back whatever time I want to, and don't also phone me.
I will do what I want. If a lady starts acting like that that she
then she's called. Now she's not najisna. Now she's then you need
to go through a process. You need to speak to her. Then she I just
look, I'm sorry. I didn't know it's so a big thing. I thought I'm
just going to the shop, because I usually do that, but now I know it
means so much to you, I'm not going to go, okay, then it's fine.
Then you stop. But if she doesn't, then you go to degree number two,
where you you separate from her in the bedroom. Don't go sleep
somewhere else. It don't mean go to another house and go sleep
there. It just means sleep on the floor or sleep on the couch.
Because the idea is to make a little bit vulnerable, to make a
mess you a bit and to make her realize that despite the joy, man,
they can have laying next to you because we so close we lay every
night, I'm going to separate from you, because that's going to hurt
you a little bit, and it's going to make us feel lonely about I'm
doing that, until you say, Sorry,
ladies, normally in this day, you want to go sleep outside, throw
your cushion, also sleep my leg outside on the floor, you know?
Then actually, okay, sometimes, sometimes they do, if you have a
very loving relationship.
And then the third part, and this is a very contentious wabaribuna,
beat them. Okay, if they don't listen, beat them. This needs to
be understood in its context.
So does Islam allow beating a female or not?
So that's the question I'm going to put out there. Now. I
Oh, that's a question anyone can please
respond to that. Does Islam allow a man to beat his wife?
I'm looking for the Hadith. Here is Hadith. I'm looking for ya God.
Does Islam allow a man to beat his wife? Would you say
you're not on camera? I'm on camera.
Would you allow a man to beat your daughter with a miswatch?
Sorry,
it's not a not a beating with a miswatch. Miswa get big Miss walks
if they're just through something, why the biggest miswaki can have?
What do you say?
What context you say? So it's permissible. First of all, what?
What to what in? What context?
But the Quran is not in the Rabin context. It's in context to all
places and all times. So the idea, again, if that idea is prevalent,
then it's prevalent now. So would you say it's permissible? Then, by
the way, could men beat their wives in that context? So
sorry,
whether miss what?
Okay, anybody else,
anybody is not permissible.
What do you say?
Stuff? You know it's permissible. Okay, let's hear
Yeah, yeah,
yes, but you still say it's permissible to be joy, if you just
say not at odd, I
Allah says, Vader, right, okay, okay, what do You say?
Do you know even that's also very short,
but would you allow a man to beat your daughter like that? But so,
so that's what we're trying to see. Is Islam promoting justice or
not? So the whole thing about this verse is number one. The first
view is, there is beating allowed. The beating is not to cause hurt
at all. The beating is to for man to get his frustration out by
beating her. But like, is there something over here, like this
here, right? Say he has a pen. It's going to have to be like
this, right, like that, so it's not really going to hurt her. And
then again, it can't be in the face. It can't be in any part of a
body that might cause harm. So it can be like, for example, the
ulamasi on the thigh. So, so like that. Okay,
so, so those scholars that say it's permissible, that's the
conditions. It can't cause harm. It's not to harm. It's just to get
your frustration out. But let me tell you the the heikman, the
wisdom of this verse.
Would you agree with me that every government, democratic or good
government around the world, established government is, you
know, they, they deem it unlawful to beat females. You would agree
with me, right, even in our government, it's unlawful
domestic violence, they'll lock you up.
Would you agree with me that that law don't stop men from beating
their wives
in every society, in every single society, there are men that beat
females every single society.
So the hekma of the Quran is it knows this. There's men that
simply won't listen. They won't listen.
So it's not an encouragement for men that don't beat their spouses
to beat their spouses. This is for that very, very minority of men
that cannot control themselves except but to act in violent in a
violent way,
to control that violence. So if you cannot stop yourself because
you're going to hit your spouse,
if you that minority and you cannot control your anger, you are
in a coward. For example, you are coward. Nobody is giving you
praise for beating your wife. You're not practicing on the
Sunnah of the prophets of asalam at all. You have that selected few
that cannot control your temper. You are a coward. You couldn't
speak to your wife properly. You couldn't live with her properly.
And now you want to take the hand that was designed to protect her,
and you want to turn it against her, such a person, then he's
allowed to, for example, take a a blade of grass and beat her
in a way that is not disgraceful, so like on a thigh. That's to get
his frustration out and to protect her. So this verse is coming to
take heating and beating away from society, not to place it in
society. You
understand, this is not an encouragement for men that will
never beat their wives, to beat your wives. This is to, you know,
to put a protective mechanism for those men that will still heat no
matter what.
In that case, then you know your daughter is safe and your mother
is safe, no matter. You know, if she's unfortunate to have a
husband like that, the Prophet saw them.
Let's see what he did.
Ma, Bara, Bara, Sullivan, Imran, wala, khadiman, the prophet never
striked a.
A wife and a female for that matter, nor did he strike a
servant.
Walla baraba bihadi, he say, and he never hit anything, cut ever.
He didn't get angry and beat the walls, etc. Ilafi sabiri, Allah,
only in the birth of Allah. That's the only way you're going to see
me. You know, see, might I forgot the time completely. What is, when
do I stop?
No, but I mean the window and only stop. I just, I totally got the
Okay, so I started according to, so next two minutes. Inshallah,
minutes. That's okay, yeah, that's our so again, this verse is to
take away heating, not to place heating there. Alright? So nobody
should think that Islam encourages beating their wives or beating a
child, etcetera. You know, you have to follow the Sunnah the
Prophet. This is taking verses and Hadith out of context for men that
are cowards, okay? And they and they beat their wives, and they
say, is, this is what Islam promotes. Never does Islam promote
violence inside in such a case, the way the wife goes to the qadi
says, My husband is a coward. Look at what he's done to me. Then an
annulment is going to be given. They will call the husband and
they'll, they'll, they'll say, Listen, if you don't say sorry,
no, and you don't make promises that this never going to happen
that she feels safe. We will break your marriage up. Okay? We don't
need you to give a We'll break your marriage. Alright, there's
obviously we can't accept every claim. Lady comes and said, My
husband beat we can't just say yes, the the marriage is going to
be a null. You need to investigate. Maybe she just said
so, because the ones the manager, she wants the marriage to break
up. So that's why investigation has happened, is when people get
frustrated, they come to the MDC and they said, Look, we told you
that this lady is being B and you doing nothing. Three weeks has
passed, but we waiting for the husband. We need to speak to the
husband. You know, understand, there's a limited amount of staff
as well. People think that Imam is super human. They don't have a
right to their own lives. I can say gazano tema. He can't think
for himself. We're going to watch him how he makes salah, how he
make dua. We can listen our recite. We going to see how we
dress in the in the mall. We going to watch his whole life. And we
going to, we going to make his life a living,
right?
So people have to understand. And then also, where were you all the
years when we when you know when, when he needs to show support,
when we need to learn how to deal with our spouses. So nobody's to
be blamed. If a lady is a victim of violence, it has to be
investigated. So this is just saying. People get frustrated
because they want it to happen. Now, the first thing we say for to
to females, go to the police. You know, if a lady, if a man is
beating, you go to the police, get an interdict, and then go to the
MDC, because we don't have a police force. There's no police
force over there. We can. We just basically going to annul the
marriage, but the violence that's happening over there has to be
physically stopped. Go to your parents, go to your brother,
etcetera. Go seek protection immediately. You are not supposed
to stay in a place we are going to get hurt. Is haram? You cannot
even accept that nobody is allowed to hurt you. Okay? I think that's
it. I got one minute left. Are there any questions, though, I
spoke about men's rights and females rights. Again, men are
allowed to have you know, intimacy with your wife in any way they
want. Everything is going to be permissible. Some things are my
crew, but everything is permissible. There's only one
thing that is haram, and that is, if you know, entering from from
the wrong side, not side, entering into the wrong place, that is
going to be haram, but everything else is permissible, right? You
can fulfill your innermost desires already, there is like Superman,
if there is like Superman as well, you know, if you want to anything,
your fantasies can play out over the So are there any questions
with regards to that? So next week, I'm not going to mention
that again. Questions,
yeah,
yeah, you
Yeah.
So this is, this is, again, Aish. Live with him in a kind in a kind
way. So there is a minimum where she needs to have clothes for the
season to protect her from the weather. That's bare minimum. But
that's not living with him in kindness. If you can afford to
take your wife shopping and buy her clothes that ladies in her
category gets so she can dress herself in a dignified way, so you
need to go to checkers, and that's living. I mean, because the you
know, wherever we need to go into canal walk and you go buy your
things, and that's what people do, then that is living within
kindness.
Yeah. So it's not stipulated as in exactly what?
Yeah,
that's a very tricky situation. Is a very sensitive, sensitive
situation, because sometimes more than a man and a man.
Feels inferior, and he feels that he wants to provide, but she also
wants to be the provider over there. She must make a very, very
A man must make sure he's giving more than he's taking, and the
lady must make sure that she's receiving more than she's giving.
Her money that she contributes. Is Sadaqah. Sadaqah and her husband
is to understand that she doesn't have to give him a cent, okay? And
she can loan him anything. If you can't make it one month, she can
loan him, but she doesn't have to his side is that is compulsory,
okay? So when the rolls get swapped around over there, then
you find that traditional values going out the window, and the lady
also wants to be the provider, and then she also wants to make the
decisions. Then men become intimidated, and they become more
feminine. And this is where, you know, the lady starts acting like
a mother, and too much mothering is smothering, and nobody finds
there. You know, they're not going to have sexual feelings towards
the the bed. And this leads to a guy's not even finding their wives
attractive anymore. This is common, you'll find that it's a
concept, and we can discuss it further next week, inshallah. But
a lady doesn't have to pay anything towards what, what must
be, you know, compile clothes and food and that type of a thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, yes.
Do. Yes,
yes, I wasn't very clear there, right? I went quickly off,
as in coitus interrupters, yeah, I
yeah,
yes,
be harmed, yes,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Yes, yeah.
So, so the the idea of contraceptive it, it is allowed.
But what's very important over there is why the the couples need
to understand why there's a ethical current that runs through
these things, not a fake perspective, the ethical current
is that the purpose of marriage. The prophets, for example, said
Tanaka ho watakataru okamakara is rato Salam, get married. Have a
lot of children, because I want to brag on the day of qiyama about
your numbers. So there's many. The Prophet also said, Marry al Wadud,
Al walud. Marry those females that are loving and those that can have
lots of children. So there is an encouragement very strongly to
have children. So when someone doesn't want to have children,
you're going against the grain of that. So you need to ask why, if
it's for a material things, they want to get something out of
material value, like they don't want to spend on their children.
And then we say, This is against the current of Islam. It's against
some of the values of Islam, even though it is permissible. And when
they want to take the contraceptive a doctor, the best
thing to do this is for medical purposes. Example, the lady fell
pregnant, she had a baby. So, you know, for her to have a baby
immediately and not give a body rest it's, you know, it's a
medical problem. Then in that case, you can take any
contraceptive, whether it's condoms, whether it's tablets,
whether, even if there's a permanent solution, though, that
is not something that is advisable in Islam to have a permanent
solution for something that is not a medical issue, if, for example,
the doctor says, Look, if this lady falls pregnant again, her
life is going to be in in danger, then you can actually go for
something permanent, because you don't risk a life
be with me. So contraceptives is permissible. It's not advisable,
unless there is a valid reason. And a valid reason is, for
example, medical for medical reason, or for Lady sanity, you
know, she needs composure. She she's just had a child now, and,
you know, so there's normally a two years given for that two years
is also very short, right? But that's normally a time that's
given for her body to recover, for mind to recover, and for not to be
suckling while she's, you know, breastfeeding while she's pregnant
at the same time. So the idea, again, is it is permissible, but
do it for the correct reason.
Zachary, for that guy, I actually didn't go into that. I mean, to
ladies, no questions,
feel free to send the, you know, messages down, etc. We can, we can
respond to that about Allah. If there's no questions, we'll end
over there.
Kendall,
if that day come and your wife is stronger than you and you can't
block, may Allah protect us all. But you ask that there is actually
that happens when ladies beat their husband.
You know, they beat their husbands, and they abused their
husbands, and it was my fault not to speak about it. I'll discuss
that next week. But she's not allowed to beat him at all. You
know, not to cause harm to him in any way.
You