Umm Jamaal ud-Din – Advice For Raising Steadfast Children In TimesofFitnah
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May Allah bless you all and reward you
for
your diligence in coming to all of these
talks and these programs.
I ask, Allah, that
you were uplifted
by everything that you've been hearing and you
have got greater vision in how to move
forward, inshallah, with your families.
So what we're gonna be speaking about today
is about,
you know, how to raise our children to
have a strong identity. This is what
everyone's concerned about these days. Everyone's very, very
concerned about this.
You know, one of the biggest fears most
parents have now,
you know, is that during
within this time we're living in, how do
I protect my child from,
you know, all of the deviated lifestyles and
agendas
that we're currently
surrounded with? You know, how can I raise
my child with a strong identity
in Islam? All of these these are the
fears that many parents have.
And I just want to come back a
bit here and I just want to also
let us just realize something, and that is
that we have to realize that the the
risk
of children becoming deviated
has actually always been there.
Like, if you go back, say, 20, 30
years ago,
there was there's always been that risk
of your child, for example, leaving Islam. May
Allah protect all of our children and grandchildren
offspring.
There's always been a risk that your child
could fall into major sins.
You know, like, melapitec does, like Zena, like,
you know,
getting addicted to drugs, things like this. You
know, the list goes on. Right?
It's just that what's happening now is that
with the pressure of many of the agendas
that we're currently facing,
many parents are actually finally waking up and
realizing
just how dangerous things can get
if we don't give enough priority
to the way we raise our children.
Like, I'll never forget myself
when it first you know, when it came
to to the time for me to enter
my son into school, the first day of
school, you know, I was so worried about
how, you know, how how is he gonna
be influenced by others,
how, you know, how am I gonna protect
him from, you know, becoming deviated
away from the straight path. All of these
fears were in my mind. Right? You you're
worried about what he's gonna be exposed to.
But subhanAllah, my my dear sisters and brothers,
you know, from the immense blessing of Allah
despite
all of those worries
and, you know, of course, after making a
great
deal of sincere effort, you know,
for both my husband and I, you know,
putting a lot of, you know, dua and
effort, you know, inshallah, into raising our kids.
Allah
did help us raise,
you know, our 5 children, alhamdulillah,
who most they're pretty much all adults now.
And he protected them. You know? And I
ask a lot that he does the same
for you, and that's why I'm here
to share. Because we need to be speaking
to those who've done it and ask them
for advice about how can I also, inshallah,
raise my children to be resilient
despite whatever negative pressures we're facing? Right?
So
I'm just gonna basically share with you 6
main advices. They're just general advices.
But for example, number 1 is to simply
have that sincere
niya.
Right? Start with your niya. Start with,
you know, having al Ikhlas
in when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala blesses you
with a child. Because it's a thing, you
don't, like, a lot of people don't even
think of that. That is a blessing from
Allah. If you're blessed with children,
that is a blessing from Allah. And Allah's
gonna, you know, he's going to test you
to see if you appreciate that blessing or
not. Right?
And so your first and foremost goal in
raising your child
should be to raise that child to be
upon the deen and to be righteous.
And it it sounds simple in the beginning
but you've gotta keep reminding yourself
of this objective
all the way through as a parent.
Because what does Allah tell tell us in
the Quran?
That verily in your wealth and in your
children,
there is a trial for you because you
will be tested. You know, you've got emotions
towards your child and
there'll be certain times where
you might be tested,
you know, with your child. Because sometimes,
you know, people get very focused on,
you know, what career they want their child
to go into and all of these things.
And they they they lose sight of their
ultimate
goal in raising their children, which is simply
to be a righteous,
you know, child that can make duet for
them when they leave this life.
So we are living in a time now
when we cannot afford
to be fully focused
on,
you know, on giving our children the proper
Islamic tarbia. This is what we need to
be really focused on doing. And you need
to be prethinking everything introduced to your children.
Right? So, like, for example,
everything that you introduce to your children, like,
if we're talking about a phone, for example,
like, you can't, like, you know, you're you're
talking about giving your child a phone
that has 4 g and say the child's
in kindergarten,
what can they access with that phone?
And don't underestimate
what a a 6 year old and 7
year old can even access on a phone.
So we have to be thinking about everything
we introduce our children to, about what impact
is it gonna have in the long run.
So this is why, especially in the child
rearing years,
you need to make your children your number
one priority and don't let yourself get so
busy with your, you know, your own personal
individual pursuits or your work,
even if it's work you're doing for the
community,
that you end up neglecting this most important
priority. Okay? This has to be our first
and foremost priority if we hope to gain,
you know, we hope to raise our children
to be, you know, resilient, inshallah, in the
future.
Because let me tell you that if you
do neglect your children,
it can lead to you having
it can lead to you to suffer
a lot of pain and regret
further, you know, further down the track.
And any extra money you made during that
time, believe me, it will never it will
never be able to comfort you for the
pain of seeing your child
go astray. May Allah protect us all from
that happening.
And this is why Allah calls us in
the Quran to pay attention to our priorities.
Right? If you look at the Quran, Allah
says,
Right? Oh you who believe,
save
yourselves and your children
from the fire. So Allahu Ta'ala is telling
us that, you know, we this is should
be our first and foremost priority before anything
else. Making sure that you're
you're not in a, you know, you're not
in a compromised position regarding your dean.
Similarly, your children, you need to be always
following up and making sure that they are
safe
in the way they're going in their dean
as well. Right?
And unfortunately, in this time of capitalism,
you know,
consumerism,
you can see that so many people are
overly concerned
in fulfilling all of their child's dunya and
materialistic
needs.
But unfortunately, a lot of them, we can
see what's happening is that they
are neglecting the most important, you know, the
most important thing that their child needs which
is
giving them the education of their dean and
the understanding of their dean. Right?
I mean, so,
you know, like, you you have to realize
what you are imparting to your children through
your islamic now,
that is gonna help them to be resilient
against all the waves of fit that they're
gonna be facing as they grow older. You
can't be sheltering them forever. This is what
you have to realize, you cannot be sheltering
them forever.
Slowly slowly, they're gonna be exposed
to society. They need to be, you know,
resilient enough to face that.
And this is why, you know, if you
look at there's an ayah in the Quran
where allahu ta'ala says
You know, do not kill your child due
to poverty.
But subhanAllah, we don't realize
that if you fail to give your child
an adequate foundation in Islam,
this is a form of killing your child
spiritually.
Which is really the worst type of, you
know, the worst type of deprivation that you
could, you know, give to a child. Right?
Look, I just wanna say this, it's very
important to look in the in the long
term. Right? You will not believe that one
of the most common questions I get
are from people saying to me, can you
speak to my daughter? You know, can you
speak to my daughter for me? But then,
when we go into the history I'm not
I'm not saying everyone. Some people tried their
best and we know,
we know that Allah, whatever Allah wrote happened
and whatever he willed happened. Right? But in
a lot of cases, in a vast majority
of cases, if you ask these people when
they tell you about, can you speak to
my daughter?
If you go into it, you find that,
were you living near a Muslim community? No,
I was not. Did you just take them
to the masjid? No, I did not. Like,
I didn't teach them salah. I didn't teach
them Quran. All of these things, punal, wasn't
present.
The Islamic tarabiya wasn't there. And then, unfortunately,
sadly,
now they want you to talk to them
when it's too late. And it's very difficult.
It's never too late, inshallah, but it's very
difficult
to try to speak to someone when they've
already gone so far in a certain direction.
So what I'm trying to say to you
is just the most important thing, the idni
lah, if you're you've as long as you
keep your Right? Keep that intention.
Hold on to that intention all the way
through with when you're raising your children, Don't
lose don't lose sight of your ultimate intention.
Then number 2, you need to focus on
helping
your child
to become motivated from within.
That's very, very important. We want them to
be internally motivated because a lot of people
try to, you know, get their child to,
you know, they wanna they wanna yeah. You
need to make them want to do things
from themself.
Okay? You need to make them want to
do things from themself.
Because ultimately, what's gonna happen is they're gonna
grow up, they're gonna go to uni, they're
gonna go to work, they need to be
strong enough within themselves
to be able to stay resilient and hold
on to their Islamic principles and morals.
Now the main way to do that is
you have to focus, especially in those, you
know, those years from 5 to 7, they
are really the crucial years of a child's,
you know, you know, nurturing.
You wouldn't be nurturing their hearts upon iman.
Okay? And what I mean by that is
developing very positive,
you know, emotions
and
positive relationship and connection
towards Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and whatever's in
al Islam.
Just a quick and brief example of that
is, for example, imagine a mother, for example,
rocking her child to bed every single night
and and and reciting a dekursi, for example.
You know? And and subhanAllah, imagine how that
child feels, the the love of the mother
in a you know, and the association of
reciting ata Kursi with the mother's voice and
going to sleep and the cuddles. Like, just
what kind of positive emotion is being
given to the child through that, for example.
Right?
So,
you know, so so when we teach the
Quran, like, of course, we want our kids
to learn the Quran. The Quran is definitely
something that protects our children. And that's actually
one of the reasons that motivated me to
want my children to memorize the Quran because,
for example, Allahu Ta'ala in the Quran says,
That this Quran guides to what is aright.
Like it gives you It's like, subhanallah, it
is your GPS. It is your GPS in
this life.
Right? And that's you need to be with
the Quran consistently.
But what you have to understand is when
you put the Quran in their heart with
explanation, okay, with the explanation of those words,
this is what helps them
to be able to like, you know, the
Quran in their heart, it's, you know, it's
the Quran is full of aqidah. The the
Quran is full of Islamic belief. And it's
and the Quran gives you
the the it's the criterion that helps you,
you know, decipher or to
distinguish between the hap and the ba'tal, between
the truth and the falsehood. This is why
the Quran is so powerful
for us
to to, you know, for the children to
absorb that into their hearts. Right?
And we have to realize that Allah
knew that a time will come
when holding onto our deen
is going to be more difficult than holding
onto a hot coal.
And that's why you have to realize he
didn't leave us
he didn't leave us without something so powerful
for us to use in order to protect
ourselves and our families.
And what is that powerful tool Allah subhanahu
has given us? It is actually the Quran.
Which unfortunately, a lot of us are not
We haven't got to a deeper level with
the Quran to understand what the Quran does
for you when it's an integral part of
your life and days.
Right? When you try to live by the
Quran. Not just recite the Quran, but even
live by it. Try to implement it in
your life. Right?
So realize, my my dear sisters and brothers,
that you know, the Quran is actually the
antidote
for all of the fitin that we face.
Even with all the agendas we face. Let
me give you a give you an example
of what you can like, one of the
things you can do as parents.
For example, like I remember when, for example,
my kids were going through puberty and you
want them to understand puberty. Right? Do you
leave it to the school to explain to
them about puberty?
Or do you go to,
you know, the second chapter of
And go through the ayat that talk about,
you know,
the changes that happen to a woman, for
example.
Or do you go to Sud Yusuf
that teaches, like, for example, about chastity
that you have to have as a teenager
and a youth.
So this is we need to be thinking
about how to use the Quran to lay
down the Islamic narrative
in the minds of our children
before
rather than to leave your child empty and
let someone else come and put that narrative
in their minds.
Right? Which we know that, along with Stan,
some of those narratives are very, obviously, you
know, completely un Islamic. Right? So this is
this is what you have to be doing.
And the problem is that, unfortunately, as we
all know,
we tend to only read the Quran once
a year. So we're not really we're not
really
we don't appreciate what the Quran has to
give to us. SubhanAllah. So we need to
come closer to the Quran. What I'm saying
to you is we're living in a time
where none of us can be can afford
to be away from the Quran. None of
us. We need to bring the Quran and
make it an integral part of our families
and lives, inshallah.
Besides that, try to find try to find
materials to strengthen your child's identity. Now, when
my kids were growing up, we had like,
Islamic cartoons. There was actually Arabic cartoons
they used to watch that had lots of
morals and akhlaq in them. Lots of, you
know, teaching of character, teaching of Islamic,
you know
You know what I'm trying to say? Islamic
morals, Islamic
character,
manners, all of these things.
We need we need The visual is very
powerful.
Visual tools are very very powerful. Okay?
And even the stories that you say, you
know, tell your children the stories. Like, I
tell sisters
I tell sisters,
read the stories yourself first. Read the stories
of the prophets, peace be upon them,
first. Then put it into your own words
to your child. Trust me, your child will
enjoy it so much more when you put
it into your own words.
Now, the other thing I just wanna mention
here which is very important is
that
don't go to the
Like, what happens is because people are so
worried about what's happening, the changes and all
of those things
in society,
what can happen is that some people
can end up going to the opposite extreme
of becoming over strict and over rigid in
your of your children
as like a knee jerk reaction
to the fear that they they feel due
to these current agendas. Okay?
Now, you have to be very careful about
that. You have to be very careful from
taking a very rigid approach
with your children.
Unfortunately,
I I I wish I didn't have to
say this but I have seen cases
where people were overly rigid in
their overly strict, overly harsh and punishing. You
know what I'm trying to say? In their
which that ended up pushing their children away.
Like, some of them even just lost their
faith in the end, malodetector. So we have
to be very careful not to overreact.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Remember
that,
like, what did the prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam
tell us? He tells us
That you you won't find gentleness in anything
except it beautifies it. And you won't find
that the absence of gentleness in something except
it makes it ugly.
Now, you want Islam to be the most
beautiful thing to your child?
In order for you to do that, you
have to show them a beautiful
a beautiful
experience of Islam in their, in your upbringing
with them. And this is also 2 brothers,
like, I know I'm standing here from the
sisters but this is so important for both
for
for for both the the mother and the
father to be paying attention to this. It
cannot be one or the other, you know.
It's even our relationship with each other
as husbands and wives. We've gotta think about
what are we actually
you you can say whatever you want to
your children, my dear sisters and brothers, but
ultimately it's how you practice your Islam in
the house, how you treat each other in
the house, how you treat your children,
that's what says everything. And that's why it's
very important to pay attention to this.
So what I'm saying is, yes, you have
to be aware of,
you know, any threats
to your to
your children and all these things. But don't
let your fear cause you to overreact
and so you you end up completely turning
your children off. Islam may protect us.
So what I'm saying is focus on
developing positive connections to Islam. Like there's a
beautiful
statement that's attributed to one of the salaf
where he said
And it's a very good advice because he
says basically,
play with them and be, you know,
loving and all of those things for 7
years. Then for 7 years, that's when you
train them. You teach them, you know, properly
properly training them about salah and all of
those things. And then be their friend for
the next 7.
Be their friend. Become their friend. Become their
best friend.
Okay? So
so this is what I want you to
take into consideration, inshallah.
You know,
as I said, the most important thing is
just keep focusing on how you want to
make them internally
motivated to love Islam
and wanna do things for themself.
Now the third thing is you need to
be an example yourself. Now none of us
are perfect. None of us are perfect. Right?
But if you show how sincerely you're trying
in your Islam,
that sincerity
will also be,
like, practiced by your child. Like, they will
take that from you. Okay? So but what's
important is to follow-up what you say with
your actions.
Right? Like, what does Allah say in the
Quran?
Oh you who believe,
why do you say what you don't do?
It's most hated in the sight of Allah
that you say what you don't do. And
subhanAllah,
like any
any
experienced
parent can tell you
that
what you do is far more powerful than
what you say.
So you are you are actually,
to your child, you are showing them what
what is the meaning of Islam And you
can tell them day in and day out,
pray your prayers on time, get up for
fajr on time, and all those things. But
if they don't see you doing it yourself,
they're not going to
be acting upon that themselves.
So you need to be a leader. You
need to be a leader. We have to
all be leaders
for our children in showing them the example
of how to implement Islam.
And this is how, subhanAllah, I have personally
found children can really improve you so much.
Because you know that they're watching every single
word you say, every action you make. So
you start trying to fix yourself up because
you're worried that they're gonna copy off the
bad things you do. Because we've all got,
you know, bad habits and things we do
wrong. And so we don't wanna take the
sin for something bad that we do. It's
bad enough that we've got that ourselves, but
let alone our children follow on and do
the same thing. Right?
But generally speaking, you need to be a
leader for your children and that includes also
showing your pride for your religion. Having izzah
for your religion. You know? Having honor for
your religion. So that if you're outside,
you're not embarrassed to pray if you need
to pray.
You're not embarrassed to wear your hijab with
pride. Right?
If Islam is defended, you will speak up.
You will have a voice. You will say
something. You will show your confidence in your
dawah. When you show that confidence, when you
show that you are, alhamdulillah,
you know, you've got that confidence from your
iman in allah,
your children also will gain that confidence from
you as well.
And this is where I always encourage parents
that really in this time, we have to
all be on some type of journey of
knowledge.
We need to be on some type of
journey of knowledge because that's what actually
makes you very firm
in your in your faith. And also, you
need to be an authority for your children.
You need to be their authority so that
when they come and ask you, mom, dad,
why did this kid say this to me
about Islam? You can answer with confidence.
You understand? It's very important. We need to
be their first reference as much as possible.
Also,
very very important,
you want your children to be resilient in
Islam?
Have a look at your household.
Does your household
reflect an Islamic environment?
You know, what is in your house? Like,
if your child walks in your house,
do they feel a sense that there's like,
sekinah in that house? There's like, tranquility, there's
malaika in this house?
You know what I mean? Because subhanAllah, like,
the Muslim house, I I can tell you
that sometimes you have someone come to your
house and they might wanna convert to Islam,
for example.
And they walk in and they feel like
They feel something different like, for example, we
don't have all these pictures and statues around
our house, you know. We haven't got all
this music blurring out of our house. We
haven't got agila, we haven't got vapes. You
know what I'm trying to say, sisters and
brothers? Like, your house,
your child can distinguish the difference between the
Islamic lifestyle
and the un Islamic lifestyle
based upon when they walk inside their house.
So this is very important. Have a look
at, you know, what we're bringing into the
house
and and realize that, you know, the hearts
get corrupted by fitna. The hearts get corrupted
by
by those things
that, you know, subhanAllah, are like corruption
and, you know, sins and things like this.
This does corrupt the young heart. The young
heart was born on fitra.
But if we expose them to things that's
opposite to that fitra, that's how they slowly
become corrupted and desensitized.
Alright. So besides that, very important as well,
is maintaining a strong emotional connection
with your child. So besides everything I've spoken
about, right,
it's so important you maintain
a strong emotional connection
with your child.
And that's why it's so important that you
be close to your children.
Look, it's not like in the past. In
the past, they had the the village, as
they say. You know, they had the village.
Like, it wasn't just you. You had, you
know, if you were living in say, Indonesia,
for example, you would have had all the
aunties and aunties and the and the neighbors
and they were all playing together and they
were safe. But now, you know, what our
situation, generally speaking, in Australia,
is basically it's just you as a mom
and the dad and the kids and they're
just by themselves in this house.
Right? So they don't have a lot of
people to connect to to keep them, to
get that emotional connection. So
the reality is
that we have to provide, like, we have
to be extra,
you know, connected to our children in this
environment. Okay?
Otherwise, what happens is they're gonna make they're
gonna look for those emotional connections elsewhere. Alright?
Now, this is what actually happens a lot
of the time, unfortunately.
Sometimes people come to me and say,
you know, my daughter is
refusing to pray, for example, or to, you
know, wear hijab or something like this.
But a lot of the time, what you
find
is
And this is not to blame, but this
is just something to think about. Okay?
Sometimes we need to reflect upon how is
our actual relationship with this child.
Because if it's not a good relationship, if
we're not getting along well with our daughter,
for example, or our son, even our son.
Because when you're always arguing and you're always
having fights about everything,
this damages the relationship and this is what
makes them turn away and start going off
in their own direction.
This is why I do advise parents, and
be sincere in this because your ultimate goal
is you want to get your children
to get through their life safely and to
be raised to be, you know, upon the
Surakhi Mustaqim. Right, my dear sisters and brothers?
You have to be sincere
and be prepared to seek outside help. Like
I'm talking about, we have we have good
Muslim psychologists and counselors now that can give
you better techniques
in conflict man you know, conflict management, for
example. You know, you know, navigating conflict. How
to, you know, speak to your child in
a better way, a more constructive way that
could take away some of the the conflict
that's happening between you. Alright. So look look
to these resources
in order to improve
your relationship with your child.
Moving on, because if I had a longer
time, I would have told you a lot
more but, obviously, I'm very restricted for time.
But another very important point obviously, really, and
this is especially in the teenage years.
So
the early years, it's okay. It's all about
what you're doing as parents. But then as
you come to the teenage years,
this is where you're gonna see the importance
of community and the environment.
And I just wanna say that although we
could we can always find, you know, something
to criticize, but ultimately, let me just say
this, we actually have one of the best
communities
here in Sydney. Right?
And as your children get older, that's when
you kinda come to appreciate what we we
have. It's not perfect, no, but it's, alhamdulillah,
we have a lot of
infrastructure now that we did not have in
the past.
And you're gonna that's when you're gonna start
appreciating
the infrastructure that we have.
And this is why it is so important
that we take our kids to the masjid
for prayers. This is how they build up
relationships
with other people in the masjid.
We need to take them to halakat,
events, like what you're doing here. You know
what I'm trying to say? Because when my
kids grew up, I can tell you right
now, they had so many aunties and uncles
in the community. Like, I'm a revert. I
didn't really have you know, I obviously didn't
have the Islamic
family around me, but I had my community.
And so my kids had an Indonesian auntie.
They had like, you know, a Chinese auntie.
You know, they had all different nationalities and
they were their aunties and they still flock
their aunties until today, or their uncles. You
know, the brothers
for my sons, the masjid, you know, brothers
that cared about them. Like, I remember when
one of my sons, masha'Allah, he finished
memorizing juzamma,
one of the brothers at the masjid made
a special cake for him, subhanallah.
You know what I'm trying to say, sisters
and brothers? This is what we miss if
we're away from the Muslim community. There is
so much barakah
and blessing
by being close to the Muslim community
and also, you know, so stay, you know,
and always try to get your your family
to places where they're going to experience the
Islamic environment.
Lastly,
obviously,
we have to seek constant help from Allah
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Right?
You can have the best
in the whole world. You could read
every book out there. Every child
positive parenting, you know, book out there you
could read, which by the way, positive parenting
isn't very good.
Those kind of books are very beneficial. You
can take the good out of those, inshallah,
for your,
you know, for helping you.
But ultimately, we have to understand, well, like
Allah
says, Like my success is only
through Allah.
And one of the duas you should be
saying inshallah always, especially in your sajda, especially
in your prostration to Allah
Your Allah,
bestow upon us spouses
and offspring
who are the happiness and coolness of our
eyes.
And make us from the leaders for the
and those who have taqwa of Allah
Right? If you always said that in your
dua, insha Allah, and especially in your that
also, besides asking Allah, it's keeping
your focus on what you need to be
always aiming to do in every decision you
make with your kids.
Finally, in wrapping up, my dear sisters and
brothers,
realize that whatever is happening right now is
all part of the plan of Allah.
It's whatever's happening, even it seems very bad
to us, it's still only happening
as part of the plan of Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
And we don't know what higher can come
from it. But one thing that I'm already
seeing personally
is people are waking up and realizing
they can no longer be complacent about raising
their kids like they used to.
And to be honest, when I look at
the upcoming generation,
I actually believe that people now
are raising their kids, you know, subhanAllah,
far more on the Quran. They're more concerned
about teaching the Quran, teaching them, you know,
sending them to Islamic studies or schools
than ever before. So this is, masha'Allah, like
as Allah says
You might dislike something and you don't know
what hayr can come out of it, subhanAllah.
So my final message
is remain vigilant.
Remain vigilant
but don't lose hope. Don't lose hope with
Allah and
with sincerity,
with ikhlas, with a lot of dua and
sincere efforts.
Of course, with the help of Allah
first and foremost,
you
will be successful
and I ask Allah
to gather us all in the highest levels
of Jannah
with our children and all of our offspring,
and may Allah make all of us and
all of our offspring to be leaders from
monks and.