Tahir Anwar – Domestic Violence in the Muslim Community
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AI: Transcript ©
Allahu Allah 'alil 'adim.
I begin in the name of Allah, Most
Gracious, Most Merciful. I bear witness that there
is none worthy of worship except Allah and
that his beloved Nabi and prophet Muhammad sallallahu
alayhi wasallam
is his last and final messenger. We begin
on this Mubarak Friday,
expressing our gratitude to
Allah and asking Allah
for his help,
his mercy, his blessings, his assistance,
and praying and begging Allah
that may
he continue to bless us,
our families, our existence, and everything that we
have and everything around us.
Ameen
The verse that I began with reciting
are 3 verses,
so verses 105
through 108 of Surah Al Anbiya in the
Quran,
where Allah
mentions,
And we wrote in the Psalms, the zabur,
after having sent down the Torah that the
righteous, the people that are righteous, will inherit
the earth.
Then Allah
says that this is a message for those
who worship Allah.
And we have not sent you except as
a mercy
to mankind. Now interestingly enough, as we,
are about to begin, Insha'Allah,
very soon, the month of Rabi'ul Awwal,
the first spring. This is a verse which
is oft quoted and which would be the
most perfect verse of the Quran to begin
any khatira and any, lecture with.
That we have not sent you, oh Messenger
of Allah
peace peace and blessings of Allah be upon
him, except as a mercy to mankind.
But in that, I want to address that
slightly
differently today.
We know the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
as
the most merciful
of you know, merciful
human beings. Right? The
Nabi
just had mercy and compassion towards everyone, everyone
and everything.
The closing verses of Surah
Right? The prophet, sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam, desires for you to accept
Islam.
He's very kind,
extra kind and merciful,
towards the believers. But then we also see
the example of the prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi
wasallam as an individual who was
merciful to even those that did not believe
in Allah
Now with that said, when we
talk about the mercy of the Nabi sal
of course, Allah is the most merciful of
all merciful ones, but of of his creation,
the Nabi salallahu alayhi wasalam is extremely merciful.
But in that, there were a few times,
and that's what I wanna begin with today.
There were a few times,
in which the prophet, sallallahu alayhi wasallam,
made a prayer made a prayer against those
individuals who has who had transgressed
very far.
Right? That their transgression had gone so far
that the prophet
made a du'a against them, made du'a
for Allah
to deal with them. And this was not
the general habit of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam. The general habit of the prophet of
Allah was to ask for mercy, was to
seek mercy
even for the oppressors.
Right? There was one instance instance. There's 3
instances I wanna talk about. The first one
being when the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam was
in Mecca.
The Quraysh would harass the prophet, peace be
upon him, sallallahu alaihi wasallam so much.
And on one occasion,
specifically, even through the remains
of animals on the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam
or on his back, that's when the prophet
right? You know, it's just push came to
shove.
That's when the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam made
a du'a against them. He said, Allahumma'alaika
be Quraysh. Oh, Allah, deal with the Quraysh.
Right? Up until then and by the way,
even after that,
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam continued making du'a
for their guidance,
for their Islam.
But there came a point even in the
life of the messenger, alayhi wasallam, where enough
was enough and the prophet himself, sallallahu
alayhi wasallam, made a prayer against them.
On another instance,
the the
the narrations mentioned that the prophet sallallahu alayhi
wasallam had had sent a letter to Khosro,
the emperor of Persia, and when he received
that inviting him to Islam, when he received
that letter, he literally tore up the letter
of the Messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam. When the
prophet was informed of this, the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam made a statement and said that
they will be torn apart
as a nation.
And clearly there came a time
when the Persia that once was no longer
remained,
and history reminds us that they became torn,
for a lack of better words.
And so due to the high level of
the aggression that sometimes people showed,
even the prophet
made a du'a against individuals. In in one
occasion,
the prophet, sallallahu alaihi wasalam, specifically against some
of the leaders of the Quraysh, made a
du'a against them. He said, oh, Allah, deal
with Abu Jahl, deal with Urtba ibn Rabi'ah,
shayba ibn Rabi'ah, waleed ibn Uzbah,
umayyabin Khalaf,
The prophet specifically
even mentioned
some individuals' names
because of their transgression
against Allah and his Messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
Now all of us, for those of us
that are here today,
who believe in Allah, who believe in His
Messenger, who are excited,
when the month of the birth of the
Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam comes our way,
we ask ourselves a very very simple question,
and that is, how many of us,
how many of us
would want to take the chance
that the Prophet
would make a du'a and a prayer against
us?
How many of us
would have the audacity,
right, the courage,
to do something
which would
upset
Allah and His Messenger
and that historically,
it was proven
that an individual who did a certain kind
of an action
was an individual
against whom the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam made a prayer.
How many of us would want that?
Right? There's a narration that's mentioned.
Narrates that a man,
the wife of a man in Medina came
to the messenger
complaining about her husband.
The Messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam heard her case,
listened to her. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
sat, and he listened to what she had
to say, and he said, sallallahu alaihi wasallam,
go back and tell him, tell your husband
that I am in the protection of the
messenger of Allah, sallallahu alayhi wasalam. This was
just a way of reminding that individual that
the nabi of Allah knows and the nabi
of Allah
gives protection to your wife. And as a
result of the protection that he has given
to her, you may not harm her. You
may not hurt her.
And so she went back.
After a little while or some few days,
she comes back to the messenger sallallahu alaihi
wasallam and she says, oh messenger of Allah,
he hasn't left me alone. In other words,
he hasn't seized. He continues
to abuse me. So the Messenger
cut off. The narration mentions that he's cut
off a small piece of his shirt. Right?
Cut off a small piece of his shirt
and gave it to this woman. Just imagine
the mercy
of the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
Right? So kind. He tore off a piece
of his shirt. It was just an indication,
a gesture.
Right? Someone would say, here, take my business
card. Let them know that you've met with
me,
or give them my something along those lines.
Right? Gives her
a piece of his cloth, sallallahu alaihi wasallam,
and says, go and give this to your
husband and repeat to him
that you are under the,
protection
my protection, the protection of the messenger of
Allah
Right? As again, as evidence
that if you continue your actions, you could
be punished for your actions.
She went.
She comes back for the 3rd time to
the nabi of Allah
and says, oh messenger of Allah, he beat
me even more.
He beat me even more. And the narration
mentions
that the Nabi
raised his hands
and supplicated.
O Allah, deal with Walid. O Allah, deal
with Walid. O Allah, deal with Walid.
In other words,
right, it was such a major transgression
that the prophet
didn't even choose to have him come to
his court.
The prophet
made a du'a and said, oh, Allah, this
is such a transgression that I want you
to deal with him.
Now when we think about this, right, it's
a very prominent hadith, when we think about
this,
right, we ask ourselves,
how many of us
would want to be on the receiving end
of a prayer
that the prophet
did
against someone
who happened to be an individual who abused
his spouse as a result of his abuse.
Right? There's so many of us, right, when
it comes to Allah and his Messenger
praying 5 times a day, giving zakah, going
to the masjid,
you know,
celebrating the various different,
events on the Islamic calendar, the month of
Rabi'ul Awwal comes, people go from one gathering
to another gathering, one gathering of dhikr, one
gathering of remembrance,
one gathering of the mention of the Nabi
sala salaam to another one, and all of
us, you know, we we dress
in a certain way, we do certain things
in a certain way where people would look
up to us and say, oh my god,
look at this individual, so pious, so and
this and that. We have all kinds of
things, but
think about it.
Alright?
If
our character
at home
with our families
is not impeccable,
right, that's something that we will be answerable
to Allah
If we happen to be amongst those individuals
who abuse
our family members,
then we will be responsible
for that in this dunya and the hereafter
in the court of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And those brothers and sisters
are
the rights of human beings, and we cannot
take a step forth on the day of
judgment until until
the oppressed, the aggressed
has actually forgiven us, even
if that happens to be an immediate family
member, a spouse, a child, or even, unfortunately,
in some cases, a parent?
Right? How many of us and these are
the obligations
Do going to some kinds of gatherings or
events during the course of the month or
during the course of the year, that's all
voluntary.
That's all voluntary.
But being there and being kind
for our family members is an obligation.
An abuse
of any form whatsoever
is not allowed in our deen and in
our tradition.
Alright? There's people who
verbally abuse, and I'm gonna come to some
I'm gonna cite some examples in a few
moments. There's people who
turn to verbal abuse. There's people who turn
to emotional abuse,
and then there's people who turn to physical
abuse,
none of which is allowed in our tradition.
None of which is allowed in our tradition
at all.
And then there's people who misquote
a verse of the Quran which has an
understanding of its own.
Right? When Allah
or when the Nabi
says when your child of 8 the age
of 10 doesn't pray you can beat them,
what does that mean? That does not mean
abuse.
That does not mean physical harm. That simply
means to hold them,
shake them. Right?
In fact, there's so many rules around, you
know, what we can and cannot do.
Right? Anything that's neck up is untouchable, not
allowed. Stomach, untouchable. Private parts, not touchable. But,
usually, we find when people are in anger,
they beat the pulp
out of their children and spouses. Where
where
can you find
the verse of the Quran to justify
that
specific behavior?
Where can you find that behavior?
Justified
by Allah, sanctioned by Allah and His Messenger,
sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
And the reality is
that
an October happens to be to be DV
month, domestic violence month, which is why we're
talking about this in October, although we can
and should be talking about this during the
course of the year.
We're finding that cases of DV are increasing.
Right? We generally find
that a parent figure, mother or father, could
be abusing the children.
We generally find that husbands are abusing the
wives
far more than we've seen before, unfortunately.
And
it must be said, but there's also cases
of men being abused
by their wives,
usually not physical,
but definitely emotional.
Right? Definitely emotional. Far less than it being
the other way around,
but it's a reality that it exists.
And when we talk and and we also
find in our homes and in our community,
right, elder abuse.
Elders are being there's financial abuse towards the
elders. There's emotional abuse towards the elders.
The brother or sister that's looking after the
parent is emotionally abusing the other siblings, is
emotionally abusing the parent
to do things, to sign off on paperwork,
sign off on land and homes and jewelry
and whatnot.
None of that, brothers and sisters, is allowed
in Islam.
You may get away with it.
But then, if you see that you start
becoming sick, you're out of a job, your
life is miserable, your children abandon you when
you get older,
All of that is a result of our
own actions.
That's why Allah reminds us in the Quran,
Whoever does good deeds,
from males or females
and they are a believer.
We will give them a wholesome we will
give them a good life.
If we want a good life,
it's not simply by fulfilling the obligations and
refraining from that which is haram, but also
at the same time it is our demeanor,
our character with those around us. That's why
there's a hadith, the prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam
says
The best of you are those who are
best to their families, brothers and sisters.
When we go home,
mother or father,
children, anyone,
we should smile, we should put on a
smile.
We should say
loudly. This is the adab of entering into
a home, not like,
walk away
to the bedroom and shut the door.
No.
I don't care how bad your day was
at work.
When someone asks you how your day was,
they only ask you because they care for
you.
If you are on a public transport system
and you had your face all turned up
and may you may even be crying,
The person next to you won't even ask.
They may feel bad if they see you
crying, but they won't ask. No one's gonna
ask you on a public transport system. And
the reason I say public transport system is
because that's where you're gonna interact with people.
If you're in your own car, you're there's
no way you're gonna see people. But what
I mean to say is that if you
were with people on your way home and
you had a bad day at work, you
had a bad day at school,
they're not gonna ask you how you were.
Only those that love you and care for
you ask, how was your day?
If you had a rough day,
then, you know, it's fine to be slightly
silent. It's fine to not share too much.
It's okay to not pry all the time
and ask how the individual's day was.
Those of us that are outside
the home,
right, should come in with a smile. Those
of us that are inside the home should
greet those with a smile.
Be nice to those around you. There's no
reason to constantly
there's no reason to ignore anyone.
There's no reason to constantly
scream at someone.
We find sometimes parents that are constantly screaming
at their children.
How come you didn't do this? How come
you didn't do that? Just always screaming at
them.
And sometimes, if you show them love, it's
too late
because
they've never seen love come out of you.
And I don't mean to say too late,
but then it's gonna take you a long
time for them to listen to you out
of your love.
But being nice to people around you in
your home,
to let it be a harmonious
household in which there's no form of any
abuse.
And the reality is that as much
as many individuals and many cultures and many
countries in the West
poke
on the rights of the women in the
East,
and some rightfully so,
but the reality is
that right here in the United States of
America, the amount of women
that are abused
is very, very high in number.
There's a statistic
that goes at
least around the world, at least one woman
in every 3 has either been beaten,
coursed into a physical relationship,
or otherwise abused in her lifetime.
And the vast majority of times the abuser
is from within one's own family,
a brother, a cousin, an uncle,
which is why and and, again, a topic
for a different day, but this whole idea
of sleepovers,
where we're sending our young children to the
homes of others,
is a is not a good idea.
Your children need to be Allah has blessed
us with safety.
Keep them within your own home. There's no
reason for your children to go anywhere.
Right? They say 25%
of the female population will be abused at
least once
in their lifetime. Up to 35%
of women and 22%
of men
that are going to ERs, emergency rooms, emergency
departments,
right, is as a result
of DV, domestic violence.
And by the way, it's not exclusive to
1 gender, 1 group, or national origin.
This is a community wide issue, and we
have to come to terms and comes come
to grip with it. But the only way
we can do so is if we acknowledge
and we work hard
towards making
our homes to begin with a harmonious
place to go to.
The nabi, salallahu alayhi
wa
sallam, says whoever says to his brother o
kafir,
then it applies to at least one of
them. In other words, the who's the one
who says it. There was you know, this
physical abuse that we have,
bad words,
screaming,
put downs,
people do this. People do this with their
spouses. Wives do it to the husbands. Husbands
do it to the wives. Parents do it
to the children. I say parents because it's
not always the father. It could be the
mother too, putting the children down, making fun
of them, comparing them to others. The prophet
says that to curse a believer is like
murdering them. The prophet
says whoever preserves that which is between the
jaws will have paradise guaranteed for them.
Right? And then emotional abuse.
Right? The prophet reminds
us
that emotional abuse is There's a woman who
comes to the nabi alaihis salatu wasalam and
says, oh, messenger of Allah.
Right? My husband is not looking after me.
Right? He's completely ignored me. And what was
the prophet
response to the husband, to the Sahabi? He
says, your body has a right over you,
your Lord has a right over you, your
guest has a right over you, your family
has a right over you. Give everyone their
due rights, brothers and sisters.
This whole idea
of, you know, not talking to your children,
not talking to your spouse, giving them the
silent treatment, that is not healthy.
That is not healthy.
And, you know,
the relationship
between a husband and wife is also crucial.
Right? Their
the emotional
relationship between them, the physical
relationship between them, every when you get married
to someone and you remain married to them,
your spouse has certain physical rights over you.
Those
need to be fulfilled,
right, in in in the right time, in
the right place, and what you know. But
those are that's also something an individual needs
to think of.
I'm finding that so many relationships
are going sour simply because of that one
piece being missed out. And, of course, it's
not just that, it begins with emotions and
warmth and care that's completely out of the
picture and so on and so forth.
That's why it's something to keep in mind.
You know, there's there's there's a few things
I want to share before I close. 1st
and foremost,
I've said this before,
this year has been an interesting year,
working from home, children going to school from
home, me doing this lecture on a computer
screen and it freezing, and I have to
start over again.
All of this is just weird. Cut people
some slack, for god's sake.
Give people a break, for god's sake.
Give your children a break, for god's sake.
Give your spouse a break, for god's sake.
Give your parents a break, for god's sake.
Yes. Somewhere I'm finding, you know, that, you
know, there's,
you know, sometimes
your in laws are not living with you
for the course of the entire year, but
now they've been there for 7, 8 months.
You're like, okay, I've had enough. They need
to go. But maybe it's not safe for
them to go.
Right? What if one day you're put into
a situation like that? Give people a break.
Right?
Stop speaking to your spouse as a result
of their parents
living, you know,
overstaying their welcome, whatever that means, because the
prophet
says,
You and your wealth belong to your father.
There's an explanation for that, husbands. Don't take
this out of context. But, you know, give
people a break. Give your spouses a break.
Give everyone a break at home. Be nice
to people.
Right? It's an interesting year. InshaAllah, things will
get better. If you happen to be a
parent or even a child
living at home that's always stressed out, angry,
get some professional help. Maybe you need professional
help. Maybe there's something genuinely wrong with you.
And don't ever forget, whatever Allah has decreed
for you will make it your way no
matter what happens. All we have to do
and make is the effort, the result is
with Allah.
If Allah hasn't made us hungry and homeless
until now inshaAllah he will never make us
homeless and hungry.
Rizq and sustenance is with Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala. Don't worry about that, just do your
part. Allah will take Allah will look after
you. But also keep in mind that when
you do have money, don't overextend yourself.
Right? Don't buy that home in usury when
you can be living in a smaller home
comfortably. You don't need to have that fancy
car that you buy on usury because the
result of that usury, the result of things
acquiring things that we don't need, showing off,
doing things to show off to others. The
result of that could be some of our
sustenance being snatched away from us. Allah had
no plans to * that sustenance away from
us, but because we ended up using
the sustenance he gave us incorrectly, Allah
chose to take away some of that sustenance
as well. And I wanna close with 2
things. You know, subhanAllah, for those of you
that know know that we have we have
a shelter for victims of domestic violence
in the Bay Area for Muslim sisters. And
believe it or not, it's unfortunately, it's usually
full. It's usually full.
And there were there were individuals who were
farsighted many years ago who said, you know,
this is a problem in our community and
we need to work on it.
And then just last year, the board
of, the North American Islamic Shelter for the
Abused, Nissa, they all came together and said
that we needed a transition home for our
our, the victims after they have completed their
stay at the shelter. And the community came
through and, you know, they were able to
purchase a transition home. In other words, there
Alhamdulillah, we do live in a community in
which there are resources, but also keep in
mind that, unfortunately,
that institution
and those homes are usually full.
Right? Those homes are usually full.
And the reality is
that
those people, those victims of domestic violence, sisters
who are born or raised here in the
United States and who families, they don't even
come to that shelter. They just go home.
They go to their parents' homes.
It's only those who have zero support that
end up there. So the the people that
end up at the shelter is not the
amount of people that are being abused, because
there's many that are being abused that just
remain silent. If you are a victim of
domestic abuse,
then you need to speak up. You need
to find help.
Don't let people tell you you need to
be silent and be in that relationship and
just be patient and so on and so
forth. That's not how a normal relationship works.
No matter how pious your spouse may be,
because that is not a sign of piety.
The Nabi, alayhis salatu wassalam, we will never
find the prophet, alayhis salatu wassalam,
acting like this with any of his spouses.
So no matter what your parents or your
relatives or your cousins tell you, that's not
a healthy relationship. Brothers and sisters, all of
us, let's make a pact.
Let's make a promise to Allah
and to ourselves,
to be nice and kind when we go
home. Take your children out for ice cream.
Take them out for dinner.
Be nice to them. Spend time with them.
They will not all be perfect. I know
some of us were raised by very strict
and principled parents. Our children are slightly different.
They will figure out their path in life.
Our job is to show them the way.
Our job is to guide them. And after
a certain age,
the stricter you are, the further they will
want to go away from you. I find
many young men and women, when they,
get out of high school or when they're
applying for college, you ask them and say,
where do you want to go to college?
They'll say, like, as far as I can
from home or all the way on the
East Coast. You know, usually a sentence like
that means a lot. It means I just
wanna get away from home.
That's not You know, parents may be thinking
my child is, masha'Allah, old and mature and
wants to explore. Not really.
They just wanna get away from you.
So if your husband or your wife
parents, if your husband or your wife is
telling you
to take a chill pill and breathe, they're
probably asking you to do the right thing.
Husbands,
if you happen to be someone that goes
home and screams and proud of the fact
that your wife and children are scared of
you, that will be held against you on
the day of judgment.
A good husband is someone who is kind.
Mothers, sisters, if you are someone who's always
bickering,
always just, you know, going after things with
your children, your spouse, you need to change
that
because that will be a source of resentment
for your children.
I want to close.
1 of Umar ibn Khattab, radiAllahu anhu, his
employees,
came to him one day,
came to him one day and finding him
lying on his back with his children playing
around him.
This man told the children to stop.
Right? And said, stop. Stop doing that. Umar
asked and said, how are you with your
family? His response was, when I come into
my house,
those who are talking go silent.
Right?
You know, like, I'm strong at home. Everyone's
scared of me at home. There's, you know,
there's people who are proud of that. Umar
responded to that individual statement and said that
you are immediately
fired.
If you can't show compassion to your to
your own wife and children,
then how can you show compassion
to the ummah of Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wasallam?
May Allah make us compassionate. May Allah
make our homes
filled with love, and may they remain with
love. And may our children and grandchildren
and great grandchildren
be around us all the time, insha'Allah.