Suleiman Hani – Reviving Family Traits #10

Suleiman Hani
AI: Summary ©
The importance of parenting and the negative consequences of parenting are emphasized, including harming mental health and negative consequences of parents not being involved in school. The speakers emphasize the need for parents to support their children and avoid harming their mental health, and to teach them positive habits and avoid harms in their bodies and emotions. The speakers also emphasize the importance of protecting family members' faith and keeping them out of the hurt and disappointment of life, and for women's to access education in Islam. Lastly, the speakers mention a social media announcement and a gathering for the Surahreact empires edition.
AI: Transcript ©
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So today, inshallah ta'ala, we are talking

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about the family traits with a finale of

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sorts.

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And as we wrap up all these principles

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and these traits that are mentioned by many

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scholars by researchers from a number of different

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resources, what we'll do inshallah ta'ala at

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the end is we'll ask the practical question,

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which is what are some examples that we

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can all implement some examples, some activities that

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every Muslim family should strive for, and apply

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in a manner that is contextually suitable for

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them.

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So every family has its own dynamics, its

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own situations, its own matters.

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So we'll see how to apply inshallah ta

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'ala.

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And for that portion, for the last part,

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inshallah ta'ala, we have actually my beloved

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brother and guest tonight with us, Dr. Muhannad

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Hakeem.

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So he'll be joining us for some insights

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inshallah ta'ala for that section.

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Barakallah feekum.

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Bismillah walhamdulillah wa salatu wasalamu ala rasoolillah wa

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ala alihi wa sahbihi wa man wala.

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We covered up to this point, all of

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the different traits that we could, as a

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summary, the individual traits that you want to

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revive as a means of reviving goodness in

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the world, as a means of benefiting the

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ummah.

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We moved on to the family characteristics.

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We spoke about even those who are not

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married, what are some of the things they

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should keep in mind.

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We spoke about the harmony between the husband

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and the wife, both before marriage and during

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marriage as an investment in terms of their

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worldview.

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We spoke as well about the importance of

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recognizing the traits that Allah subhanahu wa ta

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'ala emphasized in the Quran for families, for

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the husband and the wife, for example.

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We spoke about muqadda and rahma, the unconditional

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mercy that is ever present, even when there

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are difficulties in a marriage.

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And then lastly, what we want to cover

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today, inshallah ta'ala, is the topic of

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tarbiyah, the topic of parenting from several angles

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inshallah.

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The first is to emphasize once again, and

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I'll go through these as a recap.

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I know some of the lectures we covered

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these before.

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There is no greater sadaqah jariyah for most

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people in this world.

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There is no greater source of additional rewards

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and benefit and ripple effects until the end

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of times.

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Obviously, we have three examples mentioned in the

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famous hadith.

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But one of the greatest examples that many

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people are tested with and blessed with is

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to have a child.

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Not everyone is tested with that, not everyone

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is blessed with that.

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And in fact, if you look at just

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the example of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam,

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you'll find Ummul Mumineen Aisha radiallahu anha, she

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did not have any children.

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And yet she is the most prolific female

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narrator of hadith.

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The sahaba used to go to her after

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the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam passed away.

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And Abu Musa al-Ashari radiallahu anha, he

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said, we did not go to her with

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a single question that we did not know,

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except that she had an answer for it.

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So her legacy was different than, for example,

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Asmaa bint Abi Bakr radiallahu anhuma.

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And so just because we are emphasizing today,

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this angle of parenting, and the responsibility of

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parenting and all of the different things that

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parents can keep in mind, does not mean

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that other people are missing something in their

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journey towards Allah.

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Everyone has their own test, their own contextualization

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they can take from these reminders, inshallah.

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This is one of many responsibilities.

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First and foremost, the most pivotal thing, the

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most important thing, there is nothing that starts

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before this in the thought of having a

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child for Muslims than to assume and desire

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and strive for ensuring that that child loves

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Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and is loved

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by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

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That that child knows that their very souls

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that are now born into bodies in this

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world, their very souls testified to the reality

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that there is one God a long time

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ago.

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And it is the father and the mother's

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responsibility to ensure that they are giving that

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child everything that nurtures that fitrah, everything that

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brings that fitrah, the natural disposition back to

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where it was before.

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That you testified, you know there is one

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God.

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Now the question of why and how is

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the ongoing journey of parenting.

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This is the pivotal aspect of raising a

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Muslim child.

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And oftentimes many parents think let's have children

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for the sake of continuing our lineage.

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For other people, it's the thought that I

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want to have a child so I can

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give my love.

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For other people, it's a thought I want

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to have a child so they can have

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a good degree or a good career.

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Some parents actually expressed in one of the

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circles that we had.

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A parent said initially before he started practicing

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Islam properly or fully according to him.

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He said initially his thought was I want

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to have a child for a very selfish

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reason.

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I want to have a child so that

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they will take care of me when I'm

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older.

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Now there's nothing wrong with that inherently.

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But he said that was the only reason

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that he wanted a child initially.

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It wasn't that I want to raise a

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good Muslim that revives khair in the Ummah.

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I want to raise a Muslim that is

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very strong, that benefits the world.

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I want to raise a Muslim and I

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also do want a sadaqah jariah.

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So there are multiple possible intentions but they

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cannot be complete from the Islamic perspective if

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the initial primary intention is not I want

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this child to be pleasing to Allah subhanahu

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wa ta'ala.

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That is the goal at the end of

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the day.

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Save yourselves and your families from the fire.

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It's a command from Allah subhanahu wa ta

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'ala.

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We ask Allah to allow us to fulfill

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this command.

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Allahumma ameen.

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Of course there are people with way more

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life experience than me here but I think

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everyone who has seen any aspect of parenting

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even for just a year or two as

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a guardian, as a sibling, as a parent

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yourself recognize that it is one of the

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most exhausting ongoing acts of worship in this

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world.

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But one of the scholars, one of my

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teachers, he actually once said he said if

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you think about all the different streams of

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sadaqah if you especially think investment wise and

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you're trying to think financially what's good for

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your akhira, he said that stream of one

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righteous child outweighs all types of worldly things

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that people spend way more time on.

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And so if you recognize the goodness of

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having a righteous child and what Allah offers

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in return like reunion with your children in

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Jannah, the goodness that comes from them, you

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will be rewarded if they pass down any

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goodness to their descendants and their descendants and

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their descendants.

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Imagine until the end of times all the

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reward that you're getting.

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And so when you think about this he

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says as do many scholars Allah subhanahu wa

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ta'ala's generosity is explicitly clear in many

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different things this is one of them.

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To have a child that you raise upon

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Islam, you do your best with, is one

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of the greatest acts of worship.

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Of course with this we say any ideology

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and any philosophy in the world that wages

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war against the idea of a family from

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our perspective as Muslims or the presence of

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a father or a mother, any ideology, any

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worldview, any movement, whether it's past or present

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or in the future, that wages war, wages

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war how?

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Sometimes it's not explicit, sometimes it's by devaluing

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the presence of an active and present mother

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or father.

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Any ideology that does this is not in

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agreement with Islam because Allah subhanahu wa ta

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'ala emphasizes the role of parents.

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The sahaba learned from the Prophet sallallahu alaihi

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wasallam how important it is to be present

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and compassionate and loving and so there is

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nothing that replaces the one who is able

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to in their family dynamics to be present,

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the mother and the father.

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There's nothing that can replace that.

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There's nothing that is more valuable than that

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and we ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

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to us to fulfill this amanah.

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I gave an example in the previous session,

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we are together virtually, example of just one

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person in the Qur'an, Luqman alayhi salam.

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The example of just if you read the

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Madani Mus'haf, an entire page of the

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surah is just advice, different types of advices.

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If you take a single one of these

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verses of the Qur'an you will find

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you can expound upon it with literally weeks

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of lectures on each topic, every principle.

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But what does this show us?

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Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala honors someone by

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the name of Luqman alayhi salam.

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Some scholars say he's a very righteous man,

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some scholars say maybe he was a prophet,

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but all of them agree that he's mentioned

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in the Qur'an for a reason and

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one of the highlights of the surah is

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the advice of Luqman alayhi salam, the principles

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that he taught.

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So if you look at what it means

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to be a child you find, وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَنَةً,

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we covered this already, to your parents be

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honorable.

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But if you want to see what it

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means to be a good parent, you look

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at the example of Luqman alayhi salam.

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He's mentioned in a timeless revelation that all

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Muslims have to recite until the end of

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times, referencing his legacy alayhi salam and one

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of the highlights is his role as a

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father, his role in terms of advice.

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So we learn a lot just from that

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one example and how Allah raises your status

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and your honor because of your fulfillment of

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that religious obligation that your children have upon

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you.

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A third thing that we mention as a

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principle is to treat children and to teach

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them as well, to treat them as human

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beings with the whole in mind.

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The whole in what way?

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That they are both souls and bodies.

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We are souls created by Allah but we

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are also paired with the bodies Allah gave

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us temporarily in this world and it is

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important therefore to emphasize to our children as

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they grow with every age, the things that

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the soul needs.

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Why does your soul need to be nourished?

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What are symptoms your soul is struggling, that

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you're suffering with something?

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The same way if the body is struggling

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and they complain to their mom or their

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dad, you take care of them, you give

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them something, you help them out, you make

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them feel better.

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If there's some pain, you will notice yourself

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feeling a certain way, talking about that pain.

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So likewise, teaching them what it means to

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have this body and the soul, this means

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that at a certain age eventually, it is

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the parent's responsibility first, the mother and the

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father.

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From the Islamic perspective, it is the parent's

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responsibility to teach that child about their body

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and what they will experience in their bodies

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and what happens when they reach the age

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of accountability, the age of puberty.

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It is the parent's responsibility to make sure

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that they are taught this information, whether they

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have a teacher or somebody else, but it's

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the parent's responsibility to teach your children that

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as Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la

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gave you a soul and you are responsible

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religiously, from that angle, you are responsible to

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take care of the body.

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These are things the body may experience in

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this world, they are not filthy things, but

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you can channel certain desires in a manner

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that is pleasing to Allah.

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If this is not addressed by the parents

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and culturally the child takes from the parent

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that this is something you can't address, it's

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too sensitive or it's a filthy thing to

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even talk about, they may start to actually

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internalize problematic things and these things will show

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up when they are adults, these things will

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show up when they are married, these things

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will show up later on in life.

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So teaching them what it means to have

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a soul, how do you take care of

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it, what it means to have a body,

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how do you take care of it, every

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age that they go through, again appropriate for

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that age of course.

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The fourth principle is that of moderation, teaching

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them not to become extreme in anything that

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they do.

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And extreme here not in the sense of

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extremism and violence, no we're talking about any

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type of extremism, that they are not going

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far above and beyond and transgressing and this

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can happen even with acts of worship, sometimes

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children or when they get to the age

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of 12, 13, 14, they're teenagers, they're developing

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their identity, sometimes if they have like a

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mentor or a group or something, you'll notice

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if they become practicing very quickly, sometimes they

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will think in their minds that doing something

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is good and in fact it may be

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problematic.

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If adults made this mistake, then children can

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too.

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If the three adults, the three extremists who

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made the mistake and said, I will pray

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all night and not sleep, I will never

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get married, I will fast every single day

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of the year, the three men and the

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Prophet ﷺ warned against this and he said,

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I pray and I sleep, I fast and

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some days I don't fast and I get

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married, whoever strays from my sunnah, these teachings

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is not following me, meaning this is not

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Islam.

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There is a transgression that can happen in

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various ways.

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Some scholars say from a psychological lens, this

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also means teaching children not to become extreme

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in their emotions, but that's not always an

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easy thing to strike, especially if their parents

00:11:26 --> 00:11:27

are not modeling it.

00:11:27 --> 00:11:29

So according to a number of psychologists, one

00:11:29 --> 00:11:33

of the most important aspects of moderation, emotionally

00:11:33 --> 00:11:35

speaking, is to teach them what it means

00:11:35 --> 00:11:38

to love their parents, to love friends for

00:11:38 --> 00:11:40

the sake of Allah and not to transgress,

00:11:41 --> 00:11:43

not to become extremely attached to the extent

00:11:43 --> 00:11:46

that they are now affected, there's a detrimental

00:11:46 --> 00:11:48

effect on them if something happens to that

00:11:48 --> 00:11:51

friendship, as is the case for many children,

00:11:51 --> 00:11:54

fluctuations in those relationships or somebody moves or

00:11:54 --> 00:11:56

whatever it may be, that they are taught

00:11:56 --> 00:11:58

what it means to have healthy friendship and

00:11:58 --> 00:12:00

healthy companionship as well.

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The fifth principle is, and related to the

00:12:03 --> 00:12:05

last one, is to teach them how important

00:12:05 --> 00:12:09

it is to recognize that Allah created every

00:12:09 --> 00:12:12

single one of us with different personalities, but

00:12:12 --> 00:12:15

this does not mean that we enable a

00:12:15 --> 00:12:16

defective or negative trait.

00:12:16 --> 00:12:18

What is a defective or negative trait?

00:12:19 --> 00:12:22

We're people say, that's just the way I

00:12:22 --> 00:12:22

am.

00:12:22 --> 00:12:24

And what they actually mean is, I can't

00:12:24 --> 00:12:24

change.

00:12:25 --> 00:12:27

But what they are justifying is perhaps something

00:12:27 --> 00:12:29

problematic, like they are lashing out and abusing

00:12:29 --> 00:12:31

people saying, Oh, I know I can't restrain

00:12:31 --> 00:12:32

my anger, I can't do anything about my

00:12:32 --> 00:12:32

anger.

00:12:33 --> 00:12:36

No, for some sahaba, their unique advice was

00:12:36 --> 00:12:38

hold your anger, restrain your anger.

00:12:39 --> 00:12:40

For other sahaba that came to the Prophet

00:12:40 --> 00:12:43

for advice, he gave them advice unique to

00:12:43 --> 00:12:44

them.

00:12:44 --> 00:12:47

And likewise, the scholars say, of course, not

00:12:47 --> 00:12:48

every child is the same and you can't

00:12:48 --> 00:12:49

live through your children either.

00:12:50 --> 00:12:52

And so you may have personality traits.

00:12:52 --> 00:12:55

If we're talking about general personality traits, we

00:12:55 --> 00:12:57

cannot assume that the first child and the

00:12:57 --> 00:12:59

second and third are all going to be

00:12:59 --> 00:12:59

exactly the same.

00:13:00 --> 00:13:02

Some will excel in some areas and struggle

00:13:02 --> 00:13:03

in others.

00:13:03 --> 00:13:06

And it is the parents responsibilities to conceal

00:13:06 --> 00:13:09

the weaknesses of their children and to help

00:13:09 --> 00:13:11

them overcome them, not to embarrass them or

00:13:11 --> 00:13:12

humiliate them or make them feel bad because

00:13:12 --> 00:13:14

their sibling is doing this or doing that,

00:13:14 --> 00:13:17

but rather trying to find the right way

00:13:17 --> 00:13:18

in their language, in a way that they

00:13:18 --> 00:13:20

relate to in that culture, in that era

00:13:20 --> 00:13:23

that will help them to overcome the weaknesses

00:13:23 --> 00:13:25

that they may have while not embarrassing them

00:13:25 --> 00:13:27

or destroying their self esteem.

00:13:27 --> 00:13:28

And it's something we have to keep in

00:13:28 --> 00:13:28

mind.

00:13:28 --> 00:13:29

May Allah protect us and our children.

00:13:29 --> 00:13:34

The sixth principle is the importance of teaching

00:13:34 --> 00:13:37

them the how of changing the habits that

00:13:37 --> 00:13:39

they have, teaching them how important it is

00:13:39 --> 00:13:40

that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la

00:13:40 --> 00:13:42

gave you the ability, if you struggle and

00:13:42 --> 00:13:44

you incline towards anger, and that's the way

00:13:44 --> 00:13:46

you've been for many years, it doesn't mean

00:13:46 --> 00:13:49

you don't have the responsibility to restrain yourself,

00:13:49 --> 00:13:51

the reward might be better for you, greater,

00:13:51 --> 00:13:53

that you restrain yourself might be a greater

00:13:53 --> 00:13:55

reward for you than somebody who does not

00:13:55 --> 00:13:56

struggle with a short temper.

00:13:56 --> 00:13:57

But it's still required.

00:13:58 --> 00:13:59

It's still something that we teach them the

00:13:59 --> 00:14:01

how, how do you overcome this?

00:14:01 --> 00:14:03

How do you overcome this specific issue you're

00:14:03 --> 00:14:03

struggling with?

00:14:04 --> 00:14:06

Rather than just criticizing, they are being given

00:14:06 --> 00:14:09

solutions, they are being supported by their parents,

00:14:09 --> 00:14:12

especially in the formative years of development.

00:14:12 --> 00:14:16

And of course, the last principle, before we

00:14:16 --> 00:14:17

delve into the next chapter, the last principle

00:14:17 --> 00:14:20

is that of sabr, there is nothing greater

00:14:20 --> 00:14:24

than gentleness and perseverance in anyone, in any

00:14:24 --> 00:14:24

believer.

00:14:24 --> 00:14:25

And that starts with the parents.

00:14:26 --> 00:14:28

A lot of people in this country, and

00:14:28 --> 00:14:31

I'm going to be very blunt here, a

00:14:31 --> 00:14:33

lot of youth who struggle with their iman,

00:14:33 --> 00:14:36

in this country and in this era, with

00:14:36 --> 00:14:37

all that's going on of social media, all

00:14:37 --> 00:14:39

the different things people are connected to that

00:14:39 --> 00:14:41

their parents have no idea about, not just

00:14:41 --> 00:14:43

here, but around the world, but especially here,

00:14:43 --> 00:14:45

a lot of the struggles many youth have

00:14:45 --> 00:14:47

in high school years that are hidden, that

00:14:47 --> 00:14:49

come to surface in the college years or

00:14:49 --> 00:14:50

onwards later on.

00:14:50 --> 00:14:53

A lot of the struggles and disconnection they

00:14:53 --> 00:14:54

have from faith is because of something bad

00:14:54 --> 00:14:56

that their parents did in the name of

00:14:56 --> 00:14:56

Islam.

00:14:56 --> 00:14:58

And it was maybe cultural, it was maybe

00:14:58 --> 00:15:00

a personality thing, it was maybe has nothing

00:15:00 --> 00:15:01

to do with culture or religion.

00:15:01 --> 00:15:03

It was just a shortcoming from the parents.

00:15:03 --> 00:15:06

And sometimes it's disguised as Islam.

00:15:06 --> 00:15:09

The problem with this is that some people

00:15:09 --> 00:15:14

will make additional mistakes in justifying disconnecting from

00:15:14 --> 00:15:15

Allah because of their families.

00:15:15 --> 00:15:16

They will use that as an excuse.

00:15:16 --> 00:15:17

And that's not an excuse.

00:15:18 --> 00:15:19

The best thing that I heard in one

00:15:19 --> 00:15:22

of the faith counseling session that I did

00:15:22 --> 00:15:25

a few years back, a college student, basically

00:15:25 --> 00:15:27

they said she left Islam, she has all

00:15:27 --> 00:15:28

these problems, intellectual issues.

00:15:28 --> 00:15:30

I'm like, I wonder what these intellectual questions

00:15:30 --> 00:15:30

are.

00:15:30 --> 00:15:33

I always wonder before talking to someone, what

00:15:33 --> 00:15:33

was the issue?

00:15:34 --> 00:15:35

Her father was so abusive.

00:15:35 --> 00:15:37

Her father is extremely abusive.

00:15:37 --> 00:15:38

And I asked for examples just to make

00:15:38 --> 00:15:39

sure abuse is defined.

00:15:39 --> 00:15:40

What exactly is abuse?

00:15:40 --> 00:15:41

No, it's very, very abusive.

00:15:42 --> 00:15:43

But then what's the worst part?

00:15:43 --> 00:15:44

It was in the name of Islam.

00:15:45 --> 00:15:46

The abuse was covered with what?

00:15:46 --> 00:15:47

This is Islam.

00:15:48 --> 00:15:50

And so for her, she's justifying certain things.

00:15:50 --> 00:15:51

But now what happened here?

00:15:51 --> 00:15:52

She said, I don't know who said I

00:15:52 --> 00:15:53

left Islam.

00:15:53 --> 00:15:55

I absolutely do not believe that what he

00:15:55 --> 00:15:57

did has anything to do with Islam.

00:15:57 --> 00:15:57

I know this.

00:15:58 --> 00:16:00

So sometimes people will use this as an

00:16:00 --> 00:16:03

excuse because of their weaknesses, or their shahawat,

00:16:03 --> 00:16:04

or the trick of shaitan in a vulnerable

00:16:04 --> 00:16:05

moment.

00:16:05 --> 00:16:07

To say, okay, Muslims treated me badly, or

00:16:07 --> 00:16:08

my parents treated me badly, and so they

00:16:08 --> 00:16:09

disconnect.

00:16:09 --> 00:16:11

But you know how to distinguish.

00:16:11 --> 00:16:13

You should know that Islam says one thing

00:16:13 --> 00:16:15

and Muslims do other things at times.

00:16:15 --> 00:16:16

That if someone is doing something in the

00:16:16 --> 00:16:18

name of Islam, and the religion is not

00:16:18 --> 00:16:20

calling for this, you cannot use that as

00:16:20 --> 00:16:22

a reason not to get closer to Allah.

00:16:22 --> 00:16:23

Who are you going to blame on the

00:16:23 --> 00:16:23

Day of Judgment?

00:16:24 --> 00:16:26

Because once you reach the age of adulthood,

00:16:26 --> 00:16:28

and you have choices to make, yes, some

00:16:28 --> 00:16:29

choices will be more difficult.

00:16:30 --> 00:16:31

Yes, there's no room for abuse in Islam.

00:16:32 --> 00:16:33

There's no room for injustice.

00:16:33 --> 00:16:34

And on the Day of Judgment, there is

00:16:34 --> 00:16:35

a severe accountability.

00:16:36 --> 00:16:37

And in this world, we are all, every

00:16:37 --> 00:16:39

one of us, responsible to strive.

00:16:39 --> 00:16:42

When we see an injustice to intervene, to

00:16:42 --> 00:16:43

stop it, to change the situation for the

00:16:43 --> 00:16:44

better.

00:16:44 --> 00:16:45

It may be a relative, a local community

00:16:45 --> 00:16:46

member, a family member.

00:16:46 --> 00:16:48

We are required to help wherever we can.

00:16:48 --> 00:16:50

At the same time, we have choices to

00:16:50 --> 00:16:50

make.

00:16:50 --> 00:16:51

And that's what Allah will hold us accountable

00:16:51 --> 00:16:52

for.

00:16:52 --> 00:16:53

What choice did you make?

00:16:53 --> 00:16:54

You may have been wronged by a Muslim

00:16:54 --> 00:16:55

or a non-Muslim.

00:16:56 --> 00:16:57

Someone who goes to the masjid, someone doesn't

00:16:57 --> 00:16:58

go to the masjid.

00:16:58 --> 00:17:00

The point is, the question is, what did

00:17:00 --> 00:17:01

you do?

00:17:01 --> 00:17:02

And so this is a reminder for parents

00:17:02 --> 00:17:04

and a reminder for every one of us

00:17:04 --> 00:17:05

about the choices that we make.

00:17:06 --> 00:17:08

I shared something very quickly at the end

00:17:08 --> 00:17:11

of the virtual session that we had last

00:17:11 --> 00:17:11

week.

00:17:12 --> 00:17:14

And someone asked if I could recap just

00:17:14 --> 00:17:15

the points very quickly.

00:17:15 --> 00:17:17

I shared one thing and I left the

00:17:17 --> 00:17:18

other thing for today.

00:17:18 --> 00:17:20

And that's where we'll have Dr. Mohandad joining

00:17:20 --> 00:17:20

us inshallah.

00:17:21 --> 00:17:22

So what I shared last week, I'll go

00:17:22 --> 00:17:23

through it very quickly.

00:17:23 --> 00:17:24

What was it titled?

00:17:24 --> 00:17:27

It was positive traits, positive traits that you

00:17:27 --> 00:17:28

see in Muslim parenting.

00:17:28 --> 00:17:30

These are taken from a number of experts

00:17:30 --> 00:17:34

and scholars, researchers in parenting and psychology and

00:17:34 --> 00:17:36

other areas of family dynamics.

00:17:37 --> 00:17:38

And so I'll go through these very quickly

00:17:38 --> 00:17:41

inshallah especially for those who are maybe taking

00:17:41 --> 00:17:43

notes or maybe benefiting from the audio.

00:17:43 --> 00:17:46

Number one is listening, receptive and active listening.

00:17:47 --> 00:17:49

Receptiveness here is for the children to know

00:17:49 --> 00:17:51

that their parents are actually present, that their

00:17:51 --> 00:17:52

parents actually care what they are saying.

00:17:53 --> 00:17:55

In the era of smartphones, unfortunately we have

00:17:55 --> 00:17:57

to emphasize this more than any other era,

00:17:58 --> 00:17:59

that parents are actually listening.

00:17:59 --> 00:18:00

Now one of the studies found, a number

00:18:00 --> 00:18:02

of psychologists told us, this is from their

00:18:02 --> 00:18:04

practice, so it's not my area, but a

00:18:04 --> 00:18:06

number of psychologists told us there's an even,

00:18:06 --> 00:18:08

there's an even greater emphasis when it comes

00:18:08 --> 00:18:12

to daughters, daughters in particular getting the attention

00:18:12 --> 00:18:14

of their fathers, how important this is in

00:18:14 --> 00:18:15

terms of that relationship.

00:18:15 --> 00:18:17

It doesn't mean that it's not important for

00:18:17 --> 00:18:18

sons or the mothers and the other children,

00:18:19 --> 00:18:20

but it's just something they found in some

00:18:20 --> 00:18:21

of their work and some of their studies.

00:18:21 --> 00:18:23

So receptive listening from the parents.

00:18:23 --> 00:18:25

Number two is making dua for them and

00:18:25 --> 00:18:27

in front of them, not just behind their

00:18:27 --> 00:18:27

backs.

00:18:28 --> 00:18:30

And so unfortunately in many cultures, in the

00:18:30 --> 00:18:33

Arabic culture as well, sometimes when children mess

00:18:33 --> 00:18:35

up or they disobey their parents or they

00:18:35 --> 00:18:37

made, they actually did something really messed up,

00:18:37 --> 00:18:39

the parents will insult them or they'll make

00:18:39 --> 00:18:41

dua against them to their faces, not behind

00:18:41 --> 00:18:41

their back.

00:18:41 --> 00:18:42

They'll make dua against them.

00:18:42 --> 00:18:44

And so this becomes a cultural thing and

00:18:44 --> 00:18:46

it becomes carried on and there's a cycle.

00:18:47 --> 00:18:48

You see that it's carried on from the

00:18:48 --> 00:18:50

parents or the children to their children to

00:18:50 --> 00:18:52

their children, not realizing that sometimes the things

00:18:52 --> 00:18:54

that we've normalized are actually problematic.

00:18:55 --> 00:18:58

Make dua for your children, make dua for

00:18:58 --> 00:18:59

them in front of them, not just behind

00:18:59 --> 00:19:00

their backs.

00:19:00 --> 00:19:01

A lot of children don't know how much

00:19:01 --> 00:19:03

dua their parents make for them.

00:19:03 --> 00:19:05

Number three, and by the way, this last

00:19:05 --> 00:19:08

advice is an advice that applies to everyone

00:19:08 --> 00:19:09

in the family.

00:19:09 --> 00:19:12

Generally be someone who frequently makes dua for

00:19:12 --> 00:19:13

others as they are talking to you, interacting

00:19:13 --> 00:19:14

with you, texting you.

00:19:15 --> 00:19:16

May Allah bless you, may Allah accept from

00:19:16 --> 00:19:16

you.

00:19:16 --> 00:19:17

Somebody got you a cup of water, may

00:19:17 --> 00:19:19

Allah grant you the water of Jannah, may

00:19:19 --> 00:19:20

Allah grant you this, the hold of the

00:19:20 --> 00:19:20

Prophet.

00:19:21 --> 00:19:23

Make dua for them as much as you

00:19:23 --> 00:19:25

can, especially for their guidance and their character.

00:19:26 --> 00:19:28

Number three is to treat children equally.

00:19:28 --> 00:19:30

I think this is a given, like this

00:19:30 --> 00:19:33

is known, but the reality is we still

00:19:33 --> 00:19:36

have situations today where many people complain that

00:19:36 --> 00:19:39

the parents treated one child in a very

00:19:39 --> 00:19:41

different way, in a favorable way, and they

00:19:41 --> 00:19:42

mistreated the other children.

00:19:42 --> 00:19:44

This causes problems between them, the children, and

00:19:44 --> 00:19:46

between the child and the parent.

00:19:46 --> 00:19:48

And it actually, in a number of surveys,

00:19:48 --> 00:19:50

it led to estrangement, cutting off of family

00:19:50 --> 00:19:50

ties.

00:19:51 --> 00:19:54

Obviously that's not justifiable, but neither is injustice

00:19:54 --> 00:19:55

between one's children.

00:19:55 --> 00:19:57

Somebody asked, does this mean I have to

00:19:57 --> 00:19:59

give my 15 year old the same thing

00:19:59 --> 00:20:00

I'm giving to my two year old?

00:20:00 --> 00:20:01

No, it does not.

00:20:01 --> 00:20:03

Something equitable for them, and that's where equity

00:20:03 --> 00:20:05

comes in rather than equality.

00:20:05 --> 00:20:08

The fourth is teaching children positive habits in

00:20:08 --> 00:20:08

everything.

00:20:09 --> 00:20:11

Like, you know, like the weirdest thing, I

00:20:11 --> 00:20:12

always give this example, is when you see

00:20:12 --> 00:20:14

like a five-year-old, I don't know

00:20:14 --> 00:20:14

if there are any five-year-olds here,

00:20:15 --> 00:20:17

five-year-old like a smartphone, and they're

00:20:17 --> 00:20:18

walking around, and I'm like at the masjid,

00:20:19 --> 00:20:20

I'm like, whose phone is that?

00:20:20 --> 00:20:21

Oh, this is my phone.

00:20:21 --> 00:20:22

Where did you get the phone from?

00:20:22 --> 00:20:23

Baba gave it to me.

00:20:24 --> 00:20:25

Is this your phone or Baba's phone?

00:20:25 --> 00:20:26

This is my phone.

00:20:26 --> 00:20:27

You look at the phone, and they're playing

00:20:27 --> 00:20:29

games, they're opening up the internet, they're accessing

00:20:29 --> 00:20:30

all these things.

00:20:30 --> 00:20:31

I'm like, are you sure Baba gave you

00:20:31 --> 00:20:32

this phone?

00:20:32 --> 00:20:33

Like, is anybody in the masjid missing a

00:20:33 --> 00:20:33

phone?

00:20:33 --> 00:20:36

No, this child has an actual phone, and

00:20:36 --> 00:20:37

the internet is open.

00:20:38 --> 00:20:40

It's a very odd thing, because I think

00:20:40 --> 00:20:42

we all recognize that this is very obvious,

00:20:43 --> 00:20:44

but with every age, like a car, you

00:20:44 --> 00:20:45

wouldn't give a car to a five-year

00:20:45 --> 00:20:45

-old.

00:20:46 --> 00:20:47

Giving a smartphone with open internet access is

00:20:47 --> 00:20:48

worse than giving them a car.

00:20:49 --> 00:20:51

It's much, much worse, because you could be

00:20:51 --> 00:20:53

completely destroying their akhirah, exposing them to some

00:20:53 --> 00:20:55

of the worst things on every social media

00:20:55 --> 00:20:56

platform.

00:20:56 --> 00:20:58

And so with every age, what they're given

00:20:58 --> 00:21:00

of responsibility, they are taught by their parents,

00:21:00 --> 00:21:02

this is how you use it responsibly.

00:21:02 --> 00:21:04

And in the early years, the formative years,

00:21:04 --> 00:21:06

there is way more supervision than in later

00:21:06 --> 00:21:06

years.

00:21:07 --> 00:21:09

And that's just the building of trust early

00:21:09 --> 00:21:09

on.

00:21:09 --> 00:21:12

One of the psychologists, Muslim psychologists, gave this

00:21:12 --> 00:21:12

example.

00:21:13 --> 00:21:14

She said a lot of girls go through

00:21:14 --> 00:21:16

an age where they want to experiment with

00:21:16 --> 00:21:16

makeup.

00:21:17 --> 00:21:18

This is a common thing.

00:21:18 --> 00:21:20

And so mothers, for example, might teach their

00:21:20 --> 00:21:22

daughters, what is the Islamic ruling on makeup?

00:21:22 --> 00:21:23

When are you allowed to use it?

00:21:23 --> 00:21:24

How do you use it?

00:21:24 --> 00:21:25

One can use it at home.

00:21:25 --> 00:21:28

Rather than just saying no altogether, don't ever

00:21:28 --> 00:21:30

touch it, don't ever use it, let them

00:21:30 --> 00:21:31

figure out how to use it within kind

00:21:31 --> 00:21:33

of like a sandbox, to use I guess

00:21:33 --> 00:21:35

the IT term to within a safe environment.

00:21:35 --> 00:21:36

This is the time to use it.

00:21:36 --> 00:21:37

I have no idea why I use an

00:21:37 --> 00:21:38

IT term.

00:21:38 --> 00:21:39

I think I saw a couple IT brothers

00:21:39 --> 00:21:40

here and I just threw that out.

00:21:40 --> 00:21:43

Number five is to reason with the child.

00:21:43 --> 00:21:45

One of the psychologists that we were speaking

00:21:45 --> 00:21:48

to, they said oftentimes when parents get so

00:21:48 --> 00:21:50

used to in their culture, like it's just

00:21:50 --> 00:21:50

yes or no.

00:21:51 --> 00:21:51

Right?

00:21:51 --> 00:21:51

That's it.

00:21:51 --> 00:21:53

Like you grew up and if your parents

00:21:53 --> 00:21:54

said no, it's no, there's no like complication.

00:21:54 --> 00:21:55

There's no philosophy.

00:21:55 --> 00:21:56

There's nothing weird about no.

00:21:57 --> 00:21:59

But we're in an era and sometimes in

00:21:59 --> 00:22:02

cultures, where there needs to be reasoning at

00:22:02 --> 00:22:02

a certain age.

00:22:03 --> 00:22:04

And so they say sometimes give them, if

00:22:04 --> 00:22:06

there's possibility, give them other options.

00:22:07 --> 00:22:08

Give them something else.

00:22:08 --> 00:22:10

We can't watch this thing right now.

00:22:11 --> 00:22:11

But you know what?

00:22:11 --> 00:22:13

Maybe we can watch something else later on,

00:22:13 --> 00:22:14

if you do such and such and such.

00:22:15 --> 00:22:16

Or, you know, reason with them with regards

00:22:16 --> 00:22:18

to what it may be, but they have

00:22:18 --> 00:22:19

to know the parents have the final executive

00:22:19 --> 00:22:20

order.

00:22:20 --> 00:22:22

Number six is to consult with them.

00:22:23 --> 00:22:25

One of the things that they found in

00:22:25 --> 00:22:28

a number of studies is children feel more

00:22:28 --> 00:22:30

connected to their parents, more validation, more support.

00:22:31 --> 00:22:33

Even if the parents don't follow the child's

00:22:33 --> 00:22:35

preference in something that affects the entire family,

00:22:35 --> 00:22:36

they like to know that their parents ask,

00:22:36 --> 00:22:37

what do you think about this?

00:22:38 --> 00:22:39

And of course, while you ask, it doesn't

00:22:39 --> 00:22:41

mean that we will do what every single

00:22:41 --> 00:22:41

person wants.

00:22:42 --> 00:22:44

Now one child, I remember this in Hanapa,

00:22:44 --> 00:22:46

one child blurt out while we were talking,

00:22:46 --> 00:22:49

they blurted out and said, my parents are

00:22:49 --> 00:22:51

constantly asking me, what do you think about

00:22:51 --> 00:22:52

this and never taking anything that I say.

00:22:53 --> 00:22:54

So I don't like that.

00:22:54 --> 00:22:56

They said to the parents, like if you're

00:22:56 --> 00:22:57

just going to ask for the sake of

00:22:57 --> 00:22:59

asking, that's not what we intend by this.

00:22:59 --> 00:23:00

Hear their perspective.

00:23:00 --> 00:23:02

Maybe there's something interesting, something useful, interact with

00:23:02 --> 00:23:02

it.

00:23:03 --> 00:23:04

But of course, sometimes the children are offering

00:23:04 --> 00:23:06

bizarre suggestions, so it may not apply.

00:23:07 --> 00:23:09

Number seven is positive reinforcement.

00:23:10 --> 00:23:11

There are a number of books and publications

00:23:11 --> 00:23:12

about what this is.

00:23:12 --> 00:23:15

In other words, a child returns home from

00:23:15 --> 00:23:16

school and the mother hugs the child.

00:23:17 --> 00:23:19

A child returns home from school with a

00:23:19 --> 00:23:21

report card and the father hugs the child

00:23:21 --> 00:23:22

instead of criticizing.

00:23:22 --> 00:23:24

So letting them know that when they did

00:23:24 --> 00:23:25

good, they did good.

00:23:26 --> 00:23:28

A lot of people grew up in families

00:23:28 --> 00:23:30

where the only time they hear from parents

00:23:30 --> 00:23:32

is when the children have done really bad.

00:23:33 --> 00:23:34

Why do you get an A-?

00:23:35 --> 00:23:36

I've been getting 4.0s for the last

00:23:36 --> 00:23:37

12 years.

00:23:37 --> 00:23:38

It's my first A-.

00:23:38 --> 00:23:40

Did anyone get an A in your class?

00:23:40 --> 00:23:41

One person got an A.

00:23:41 --> 00:23:41

Why was it not you?

00:23:42 --> 00:23:44

And so like everything of good that they've

00:23:44 --> 00:23:45

done, it's like it doesn't exist.

00:23:45 --> 00:23:47

So they feel they can never meet the

00:23:47 --> 00:23:48

expectations of parents.

00:23:48 --> 00:23:50

Those who are laughing, I assume you relate

00:23:50 --> 00:23:50

to this in some way.

00:23:50 --> 00:23:52

I'm kidding.

00:23:52 --> 00:23:54

So it's really important even from the side

00:23:54 --> 00:23:57

perspective to explicitly communicate that.

00:23:58 --> 00:23:59

And you find that in the time of

00:23:59 --> 00:24:03

the Prophet ﷺ, culturally, some of the Arab,

00:24:03 --> 00:24:05

some of the Arab, not all, thought that

00:24:05 --> 00:24:07

for a father, for example, to express anything

00:24:07 --> 00:24:09

of compassion and mercy is weird.

00:24:09 --> 00:24:11

So, oh no, I've never shown mercy to

00:24:11 --> 00:24:13

or kissed the forehead of any of my

00:24:13 --> 00:24:14

children, one man said.

00:24:14 --> 00:24:16

No, this mercy is actually a good thing

00:24:16 --> 00:24:17

to communicate.

00:24:17 --> 00:24:18

Some of the sahaba never told each other

00:24:18 --> 00:24:20

as friends that I love you for the

00:24:20 --> 00:24:20

sake of Allah.

00:24:20 --> 00:24:22

And the Prophet ﷺ told the sahabi, go

00:24:22 --> 00:24:23

and tell him you love him for the

00:24:23 --> 00:24:24

sake of Allah.

00:24:24 --> 00:24:26

So the communication of something that you find

00:24:26 --> 00:24:29

positive is something that is even more crucial

00:24:29 --> 00:24:31

in the family structure than anything else.

00:24:31 --> 00:24:34

So communicate explicitly with your family members.

00:24:34 --> 00:24:36

Now sometimes we say this and some people

00:24:36 --> 00:24:37

say it's difficult for me.

00:24:38 --> 00:24:39

I can't express emotion.

00:24:40 --> 00:24:42

It's something that some people have to work

00:24:42 --> 00:24:43

to overcome as an act of worship.

00:24:43 --> 00:24:44

Think of it as an act of worship

00:24:44 --> 00:24:45

inshallah.

00:24:46 --> 00:24:50

Number eight is the respect we expect children

00:24:50 --> 00:24:52

to learn amongst themselves and with their parents

00:24:52 --> 00:24:54

actually is modeled by the parents.

00:24:54 --> 00:24:56

So if their parents frequently use certain language,

00:24:56 --> 00:24:57

children will follow.

00:24:58 --> 00:24:59

If they see the mother and the father

00:24:59 --> 00:25:02

interacting with respect, thank you and may Allah

00:25:02 --> 00:25:06

reward you, may Allah bless you, please, like

00:25:06 --> 00:25:08

these kinds of words obviously in every language,

00:25:08 --> 00:25:11

every culture, these types of examples are modeled

00:25:11 --> 00:25:13

and more impactful in the modeling than the

00:25:13 --> 00:25:13

command.

00:25:14 --> 00:25:16

So children see their parents with them and

00:25:16 --> 00:25:18

with each other and this impacts them sometimes

00:25:18 --> 00:25:20

more than what they say.

00:25:20 --> 00:25:22

Number nine is to be consistent.

00:25:23 --> 00:25:25

One odd thing that a psychologist said is

00:25:25 --> 00:25:29

the inconsistent parenting where sometimes the father or

00:25:29 --> 00:25:31

the mother, they're advocating for something for like

00:25:31 --> 00:25:32

a year or two and then suddenly they

00:25:32 --> 00:25:33

flip.

00:25:33 --> 00:25:36

There's a completely different strategy methodology and nobody

00:25:36 --> 00:25:37

like knew what changed or when.

00:25:38 --> 00:25:39

So the family starts to feel a little

00:25:39 --> 00:25:43

unstable, like the mood, the dynamics, the expectations.

00:25:44 --> 00:25:45

It's not consistent parenting.

00:25:45 --> 00:25:46

It's not consistent communication.

00:25:46 --> 00:25:48

It's not consistency in anything.

00:25:48 --> 00:25:51

The consistency helps the children psychologically.

00:25:51 --> 00:25:53

Number 10 is to be involved in their

00:25:53 --> 00:25:54

lives.

00:25:54 --> 00:25:56

One of the worst things is when children

00:25:56 --> 00:25:59

feel that their parents are invested in everything

00:25:59 --> 00:26:01

outside of the home, in the news, in

00:26:01 --> 00:26:03

other people, but not in the children.

00:26:03 --> 00:26:05

And so as they are talking to their

00:26:05 --> 00:26:06

parents and trying to communicate with them, get

00:26:06 --> 00:26:08

their attention, it's just not there.

00:26:08 --> 00:26:09

It's not present.

00:26:09 --> 00:26:12

Number 11, we mentioned before sabr, patience and

00:26:12 --> 00:26:13

perseverance, gentleness.

00:26:13 --> 00:26:15

We learned from the Prophet ﷺ.

00:26:16 --> 00:26:18

A lot of people say, like when it

00:26:18 --> 00:26:20

comes to family dynamics, they say, well, this

00:26:20 --> 00:26:21

is not what it is in my culture.

00:26:22 --> 00:26:24

But if you want the ultimate role model,

00:26:24 --> 00:26:25

you look to the Prophet ﷺ.

00:26:26 --> 00:26:27

He never hit his family members.

00:26:27 --> 00:26:28

He was so compassionate.

00:26:28 --> 00:26:29

When he was present, they loved to be

00:26:29 --> 00:26:30

around him.

00:26:30 --> 00:26:32

He was not a source of like, some

00:26:32 --> 00:26:34

people they say when like the mother comes

00:26:34 --> 00:26:36

over, the father comes home, it's like everything

00:26:36 --> 00:26:37

is bad.

00:26:37 --> 00:26:37

Everyone's on edge.

00:26:37 --> 00:26:38

Everyone's on eggshells.

00:26:39 --> 00:26:39

Everyone's afraid.

00:26:40 --> 00:26:40

It's very tense.

00:26:41 --> 00:26:43

And when they leave, everyone feels relieved.

00:26:43 --> 00:26:44

No, it's the opposite.

00:26:44 --> 00:26:45

When the Prophet ﷺ was there, they felt

00:26:45 --> 00:26:46

happier.

00:26:46 --> 00:26:48

They love to be in his presence ﷺ.

00:26:49 --> 00:26:51

Number 12 and the last two points here

00:26:51 --> 00:26:52

is to build trust.

00:26:52 --> 00:26:55

A lot of people say, stop telling children

00:26:55 --> 00:26:56

what to do.

00:26:56 --> 00:26:58

Just let them build trust and make mistakes.

00:26:58 --> 00:27:00

And that's very irresponsible because at young ages,

00:27:00 --> 00:27:02

they will make some mistakes that are very

00:27:02 --> 00:27:02

damaging.

00:27:03 --> 00:27:04

So it has to be built gradually.

00:27:05 --> 00:27:07

And this means that for many children, their

00:27:07 --> 00:27:09

smartphones are still turned into their parents rooms

00:27:09 --> 00:27:12

up to the age of 16 and 17,

00:27:12 --> 00:27:13

18 in our own communities here and other

00:27:13 --> 00:27:14

places as well.

00:27:14 --> 00:27:16

And the children understand why.

00:27:16 --> 00:27:17

I mean, they're not children anymore.

00:27:17 --> 00:27:18

They're, they're young men and women.

00:27:19 --> 00:27:20

But they understand why they're on the same

00:27:20 --> 00:27:21

page.

00:27:21 --> 00:27:22

And they built that trust over the years.

00:27:23 --> 00:27:25

And of course, a crucial point here, if

00:27:25 --> 00:27:27

a child betrays the trust of the parent,

00:27:28 --> 00:27:29

like you find out, oh my god, you

00:27:29 --> 00:27:30

found a loophole.

00:27:30 --> 00:27:32

I had this like this device or the

00:27:32 --> 00:27:34

supervision, you found a way around it.

00:27:34 --> 00:27:36

Most children will look for ways around it.

00:27:36 --> 00:27:38

Most children are experts at finding ways around

00:27:38 --> 00:27:39

like every loophole.

00:27:40 --> 00:27:43

So teach them how to redeem themselves from

00:27:43 --> 00:27:44

those struggles.

00:27:44 --> 00:27:45

One of the funniest things I heard in

00:27:45 --> 00:27:48

a halaqah, a father was telling us how

00:27:48 --> 00:27:49

like how he was with his children.

00:27:49 --> 00:27:51

He's like, man, these kids, I like I,

00:27:52 --> 00:27:52

he's in IT.

00:27:52 --> 00:27:54

He's like, I know everything about IT and

00:27:54 --> 00:27:56

cybersecurity and how to block everything.

00:27:56 --> 00:27:58

And they still find ways to get around

00:27:58 --> 00:27:59

every single thing that we do.

00:27:59 --> 00:28:00

And these are Muslim kids, they memorize the

00:28:00 --> 00:28:02

Quran, they go to Islamic school, why are

00:28:02 --> 00:28:05

they always looking for ways around every barrier?

00:28:06 --> 00:28:07

And then somebody asked him one of the

00:28:07 --> 00:28:08

brothers like, did you never like do that

00:28:08 --> 00:28:09

in your life as a kid?

00:28:10 --> 00:28:11

He stopped for a while.

00:28:11 --> 00:28:13

And he's like, Oh, man, I used to

00:28:13 --> 00:28:15

look for every loophole.

00:28:15 --> 00:28:16

I used to look for excuses.

00:28:16 --> 00:28:17

I used to hide things from him.

00:28:17 --> 00:28:19

He's like SubhanAllah, like I'm looking at my

00:28:19 --> 00:28:19

children.

00:28:20 --> 00:28:21

The application is different.

00:28:21 --> 00:28:22

The viewpoint is very different.

00:28:23 --> 00:28:24

The technology is different.

00:28:25 --> 00:28:26

But the practice is similar.

00:28:27 --> 00:28:28

Teaching them transparently.

00:28:29 --> 00:28:31

That you have to be willing to talk

00:28:31 --> 00:28:32

to me about these things, you have to

00:28:32 --> 00:28:35

be willing to talk about the prevent preventative

00:28:35 --> 00:28:37

measures, the why are they there, instead of

00:28:37 --> 00:28:39

looking for ways around it, you have to

00:28:39 --> 00:28:42

really buy in, find out why these measures

00:28:42 --> 00:28:42

are in place.

00:28:43 --> 00:28:45

One of the best conversations I heard between

00:28:45 --> 00:28:48

like two family members, not mine, but two

00:28:48 --> 00:28:51

family members was talking about a device that

00:28:51 --> 00:28:54

a 12 year old had, this device basically

00:28:54 --> 00:28:56

had like some software on it, everything was

00:28:56 --> 00:28:58

supervised, limited time, all that stuff.

00:28:58 --> 00:29:02

And the the parent was asking the father

00:29:02 --> 00:29:05

was asking the daughter, like, do you fully

00:29:05 --> 00:29:08

understand like, why exactly this is in place?

00:29:08 --> 00:29:10

Like, why is why is this so important?

00:29:10 --> 00:29:12

Like, I need to know that you understand.

00:29:12 --> 00:29:13

So they would talk about it frequently.

00:29:13 --> 00:29:15

What are some of the potential issues you

00:29:15 --> 00:29:17

see in your classmates or other people who

00:29:17 --> 00:29:19

don't have any monitoring whatsoever?

00:29:19 --> 00:29:20

What does it tell you about their parents

00:29:20 --> 00:29:21

concern for them as well?

00:29:22 --> 00:29:23

If like you see a 10 year old

00:29:23 --> 00:29:25

in your class, and they have open access,

00:29:25 --> 00:29:27

and they're looking up by doing schools, Islamic

00:29:27 --> 00:29:29

schools everywhere else, they're on devices, and they're

00:29:29 --> 00:29:31

looking up everything haram and on every single

00:29:31 --> 00:29:32

app, like, it's like, why?

00:29:32 --> 00:29:33

Why are we acting like it's not there?

00:29:33 --> 00:29:34

It's so prevalent.

00:29:35 --> 00:29:38

And so these children, when they are constantly

00:29:38 --> 00:29:39

taught by their parents to talk about the

00:29:39 --> 00:29:43

issues, the negative issues, the consequences, they feel

00:29:43 --> 00:29:45

like they are buying into this preventative measure.

00:29:45 --> 00:29:47

And that as long as you're transparent with

00:29:47 --> 00:29:50

me, we'll continue to develop this relationship and

00:29:50 --> 00:29:52

give you more and more accessibility to things

00:29:52 --> 00:29:56

as you show your responsibility, because adults, adults,

00:29:57 --> 00:29:58

if they are not responsible with the internet,

00:29:58 --> 00:30:00

what about developing teenagers and children, may Allah

00:30:00 --> 00:30:02

protect us and our youth.

00:30:02 --> 00:30:05

And the last point, of course, be very,

00:30:05 --> 00:30:06

very affectionate.

00:30:06 --> 00:30:08

Be very loving, especially in this day and

00:30:08 --> 00:30:09

age when a lot of people have people

00:30:09 --> 00:30:11

around them, but they feel more lonely than

00:30:11 --> 00:30:11

ever.

00:30:12 --> 00:30:14

Be very present, very, very loving with your

00:30:14 --> 00:30:16

children, very communicative as well.

00:30:16 --> 00:30:19

And know that this mercy, even if it's

00:30:19 --> 00:30:21

difficult to express is one of the most

00:30:21 --> 00:30:23

protective measures for people in their personalities and

00:30:23 --> 00:30:24

their identities.

00:30:25 --> 00:30:26

And this is something we take from the

00:30:26 --> 00:30:28

Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and how he was

00:30:28 --> 00:30:29

with old and young, with family and with

00:30:29 --> 00:30:30

community members.

00:30:31 --> 00:30:33

Like who, who in the community could be

00:30:33 --> 00:30:36

walking somewhere and young children could take him

00:30:36 --> 00:30:37

by the hand and walk him in the

00:30:37 --> 00:30:39

opposite direction, even though he's running, he's busy

00:30:39 --> 00:30:40

running the entire ummah.

00:30:40 --> 00:30:42

Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam

00:30:42 --> 00:30:44

is very, very affectionate.

00:30:44 --> 00:30:46

So showing the people that are around you

00:30:46 --> 00:30:47

that you love them and care for them

00:30:47 --> 00:30:50

and cherish them, especially children, might protect them

00:30:50 --> 00:30:52

from looking for that affection somewhere else.

00:30:52 --> 00:30:53

May Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la

00:30:53 --> 00:30:54

protect us and our children.

00:30:55 --> 00:30:55

Allahumma Ameen.

00:30:56 --> 00:30:57

What we'll do as we delve into this

00:30:57 --> 00:31:00

next chapter, we're going to go through the

00:31:00 --> 00:31:02

opposite list, the negative things that we want

00:31:02 --> 00:31:03

to avoid.

00:31:03 --> 00:31:05

InshaAllah ta'ala, I want to actually invite

00:31:05 --> 00:31:08

our dear brother, Dr. Muhannad Hakim, for this

00:31:08 --> 00:31:10

session to join me, bismillah ta'ala.

00:31:11 --> 00:31:12

And maybe as we go through some of

00:31:12 --> 00:31:15

these points, he can share some perspectives as

00:31:15 --> 00:31:17

well and some facets of the discussion.

00:31:18 --> 00:31:19

InshaAllah ta'ala, as we go through this,

00:31:19 --> 00:31:21

we'll conclude with a practical chapter, which is

00:31:21 --> 00:31:23

what are some things every Muslim family should

00:31:23 --> 00:31:26

strive to have in their day-to-day

00:31:26 --> 00:31:28

and week-to-week experiences, inshaAllah ta'ala.

00:31:28 --> 00:31:30

Dr. Muhannad, if you could join us, barakallahu

00:31:30 --> 00:31:30

fikum.

00:31:31 --> 00:31:31

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

00:31:31 --> 00:31:34

Dr. Muhannad, by the way, needs no introduction.

00:31:34 --> 00:31:37

An older brother, a slightly older brother, alhamdulillah,

00:31:37 --> 00:31:40

Rabbi Ameen, a community member, and he moved

00:31:40 --> 00:31:43

to Lebanon, back to Lebanon where his parents

00:31:43 --> 00:31:45

are and family is, alhamdulillah, and shares a

00:31:45 --> 00:31:46

lot of his experiences online.

00:31:46 --> 00:31:47

And I hope some of you are able

00:31:47 --> 00:31:51

to follow his publications and his writings because

00:31:51 --> 00:31:52

I personally benefited a lot from it.

00:31:53 --> 00:31:54

Alhamdulillah, Rabbi Ameen, we've had a lot of

00:31:54 --> 00:31:55

community members benefit as well.

00:31:56 --> 00:31:59

And also, of course, this topic of parents

00:31:59 --> 00:32:00

and family, things like that.

00:32:00 --> 00:32:02

Actually, Dr. Muhannad is writing on this topic

00:32:02 --> 00:32:04

and he's taught it many times, so I

00:32:04 --> 00:32:06

think this will be very timely and relevant,

00:32:06 --> 00:32:06

inshaAllah ta'ala.

00:32:07 --> 00:32:08

If you want to share anything before we

00:32:08 --> 00:32:08

start, Sheikh.

00:32:09 --> 00:32:10

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.

00:32:10 --> 00:32:12

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.

00:32:13 --> 00:32:15

Astaghfirullah, don't say that.

00:32:16 --> 00:32:17

Allah bless you, Sheikh Suleiman.

00:32:18 --> 00:32:20

I just wanted a few pointers.

00:32:21 --> 00:32:27

The first pointer is that sometimes children could

00:32:27 --> 00:32:28

be our biggest test in life.

00:32:29 --> 00:32:30

When Allah, Subhanahu wa ta'ala says in

00:32:30 --> 00:32:33

the Quran, وَعْلَمُوا أَنَّ مَا أَنْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنًا

00:32:34 --> 00:32:36

وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ عِنْدَهُ أَزْرًا عَظِيمًا And know that

00:32:36 --> 00:32:39

your wealth and your children are nothing but

00:32:39 --> 00:32:40

a fitna, a test.

00:32:41 --> 00:32:45

SubhanAllah, kids and children are a test whether

00:32:45 --> 00:32:47

we get married or we don't get married.

00:32:47 --> 00:32:49

They are a test whether we are blessed

00:32:49 --> 00:32:51

with children or we're not blessed with children.

00:32:51 --> 00:32:55

They are fitna whether they, SubhanAllah, survive us

00:32:55 --> 00:32:56

or don't survive us.

00:32:56 --> 00:32:57

Prophet Muhammad, salallahu alayhi wa sallam, his zikr

00:32:57 --> 00:33:00

fitna is that he buried most of his

00:33:00 --> 00:33:02

children in his own life, SubhanAllah.

00:33:02 --> 00:33:04

And some of them died at a young

00:33:04 --> 00:33:04

age.

00:33:05 --> 00:33:07

We know we have one family here in

00:33:07 --> 00:33:10

this community who were tested with this test.

00:33:10 --> 00:33:12

Not all of us are tested with the

00:33:12 --> 00:33:13

same test, SubhanAllah.

00:33:13 --> 00:33:16

And we remember we make dua for the

00:33:16 --> 00:33:17

deceased child.

00:33:17 --> 00:33:22

May Allah bless the family, the father and

00:33:22 --> 00:33:24

the mother, InshaAllah ta'ala, with the reward

00:33:24 --> 00:33:24

of Al-Firdaws.

00:33:25 --> 00:33:27

And remember that, SubhanAllah, ash-shiddu al-nasi

00:33:27 --> 00:33:29

bala'ahna al-anbiya'a thumma al-amthala

00:33:29 --> 00:33:30

fal-amthal.

00:33:30 --> 00:33:32

Those who are tested the most are the

00:33:32 --> 00:33:32

prophets.

00:33:32 --> 00:33:34

And then those who are not alike, then

00:33:34 --> 00:33:35

those who are alike.

00:33:35 --> 00:33:38

So, SubhanAllah, when we're talking about this, those

00:33:38 --> 00:33:40

of us who were tested with different tests,

00:33:41 --> 00:33:44

such as lack of children or maybe disobedient

00:33:44 --> 00:33:47

children, sorry, I'm coming with all kinds of

00:33:47 --> 00:33:48

what I call bad news.

00:33:48 --> 00:33:49

They are not bad news.

00:33:49 --> 00:33:50

They are different news.

00:33:50 --> 00:33:51

Again, it's a different test.

00:33:51 --> 00:33:53

If somebody of us have children, it does

00:33:53 --> 00:33:55

not mean their test is different, SubhanAllah.

00:33:56 --> 00:33:58

We had also last week, two young men

00:33:58 --> 00:34:00

died in our community.

00:34:00 --> 00:34:01

One of them was 9, one of them

00:34:01 --> 00:34:01

was 25.

00:34:02 --> 00:34:05

You hear all these stories, and we have

00:34:05 --> 00:34:07

to understand, remember that our presence in this

00:34:07 --> 00:34:08

life, this life is all fitna.

00:34:09 --> 00:34:10

And it's just one fitna over the other,

00:34:11 --> 00:34:12

one type of test over the other.

00:34:12 --> 00:34:15

That was something that I just always remember

00:34:15 --> 00:34:15

this.

00:34:15 --> 00:34:17

And I always, when I started doing life

00:34:17 --> 00:34:21

coaching recently, and one of my clients, he

00:34:21 --> 00:34:25

lost his iman completely because he thought that

00:34:25 --> 00:34:27

when he was going through a divorce, he

00:34:27 --> 00:34:30

thought that he would lose custody over his

00:34:30 --> 00:34:33

daughter, and he loved that daughter literally to

00:34:33 --> 00:34:33

death.

00:34:34 --> 00:34:36

So his iman was based around that.

00:34:37 --> 00:34:39

If he would pray in the past, this

00:34:39 --> 00:34:42

can create emotional attachment to the daughter.

00:34:42 --> 00:34:43

And when he thought, when he assumed that

00:34:43 --> 00:34:45

the salat or the dua is not working,

00:34:46 --> 00:34:47

he lost his iman completely.

00:34:47 --> 00:34:51

So we had to ask him, what is

00:34:51 --> 00:34:52

your definition of this life?

00:34:52 --> 00:34:53

Do you think this life is jannah?

00:34:54 --> 00:34:56

As Sheikh Rahman mentioned, the only real reunion

00:34:56 --> 00:34:59

between family, children, and parents is in jannah.

00:35:03 --> 00:35:05

But before that, some of us could be

00:35:05 --> 00:35:08

tested with the test of Ismail, the test

00:35:08 --> 00:35:09

of Ibrahim, the test of Ismail.

00:35:09 --> 00:35:11

So let's keep that in mind.

00:35:11 --> 00:35:13

Let's remind ourselves that we don't own our

00:35:13 --> 00:35:14

children.

00:35:14 --> 00:35:15

We don't own our children.

00:35:16 --> 00:35:20

And subhanAllah, something strange about this life, the

00:35:20 --> 00:35:22

more we detach from something, the more Allah

00:35:22 --> 00:35:22

fixes that for us.

00:35:23 --> 00:35:25

Like we will live a better life if

00:35:25 --> 00:35:26

we prepare for that.

00:35:27 --> 00:35:28

We will live a more fulfilling life if

00:35:28 --> 00:35:30

we understand that our marriage will be a

00:35:30 --> 00:35:34

better marriage if we understand that if we

00:35:34 --> 00:35:36

don't have this over-attachment with our spouse

00:35:36 --> 00:35:40

in an abnormal way, subhanAllah.

00:35:41 --> 00:35:43

So if you understand this, subhanAllah, I think

00:35:43 --> 00:35:45

many things about parenting, if we understand we

00:35:45 --> 00:35:47

don't own them, then we realize, after all,

00:35:47 --> 00:35:50

if I've done my best and my kids

00:35:50 --> 00:35:53

are still, subhanAllah, going the wrong path, then

00:35:53 --> 00:35:54

I've done my best, I cannot control them.

00:35:55 --> 00:35:56

I don't control the outcome, I just have

00:35:56 --> 00:35:58

to focus on the process.

00:35:58 --> 00:35:59

So that was my only comment.

00:36:00 --> 00:36:02

Although, mashAllah, there's a lot of interesting points,

00:36:02 --> 00:36:03

Sheikh, that you have made.

00:36:03 --> 00:36:06

InshAllah, we'll leave it maybe to the other

00:36:06 --> 00:36:06

actionable items.

00:36:06 --> 00:36:07

JazakAllah khairan, Sheikh.

00:36:09 --> 00:36:09

Here's what we'll do.

00:36:09 --> 00:36:11

I'm going to go through the list of

00:36:11 --> 00:36:15

ten things, according to researchers, parenting experts, obviously

00:36:15 --> 00:36:18

from the Islamic lens here, that are problematic,

00:36:19 --> 00:36:19

negative things.

00:36:20 --> 00:36:21

And so, this way, if we find these

00:36:21 --> 00:36:24

negative things prevalent in our practices or cultures,

00:36:24 --> 00:36:25

we can be more wary, inshAllah ta'ala.

00:36:25 --> 00:36:27

So I'll go through, for example, the first

00:36:27 --> 00:36:27

three.

00:36:27 --> 00:36:29

Very quickly, I'm going to ask Dr. Muhanna

00:36:29 --> 00:36:30

as well, if he has some insights on

00:36:30 --> 00:36:32

perspective and angle of story.

00:36:32 --> 00:36:33

By the way, Dr. Muhanna didn't know I

00:36:33 --> 00:36:34

was going to ask him for this.

00:36:34 --> 00:36:37

So this is like raw, inshAllah ta'ala,

00:36:37 --> 00:36:38

feedback and thoughts, bismillah ta'ala.

00:36:38 --> 00:36:41

The first, according to a number of researchers,

00:36:41 --> 00:36:44

a number of studies, is actually excessive screaming

00:36:44 --> 00:36:45

and yelling at children.

00:36:46 --> 00:36:48

Excessive screaming and yelling at children sometimes makes

00:36:48 --> 00:36:50

the parents feel better, because it's a matter

00:36:50 --> 00:36:52

of authority and control.

00:36:53 --> 00:36:55

But actually, it's not been proven to be

00:36:55 --> 00:36:58

more positive for children in their development over

00:36:58 --> 00:36:58

time.

00:36:58 --> 00:37:00

It's not been proven to be more positive.

00:37:00 --> 00:37:02

It actually increases the stress of the parents,

00:37:02 --> 00:37:03

and especially children at a very young age.

00:37:04 --> 00:37:06

We're not talking about just the concept of

00:37:06 --> 00:37:06

raising one's voice.

00:37:06 --> 00:37:09

We're talking about excessive screaming and yelling that

00:37:09 --> 00:37:11

is very common in some places.

00:37:12 --> 00:37:13

Related to this, number two is hitting.

00:37:14 --> 00:37:16

From the Islamic perspective, we say this many

00:37:16 --> 00:37:17

times, and then somebody brings up the same

00:37:17 --> 00:37:18

hadith every single time.

00:37:19 --> 00:37:20

It's the hadith of salah.

00:37:20 --> 00:37:22

You say, wow, I thought we were supposed

00:37:22 --> 00:37:22

to beat our children.

00:37:23 --> 00:37:23

Who said beat?

00:37:24 --> 00:37:26

How do we translate these terms with the

00:37:26 --> 00:37:27

context and everything else and say beat?

00:37:28 --> 00:37:31

It's like when people take the ayah from

00:37:31 --> 00:37:31

Surah An-Nisa.

00:37:32 --> 00:37:34

We thought Muslims are supposed to beat their

00:37:34 --> 00:37:34

wives.

00:37:34 --> 00:37:35

What are you talking about?

00:37:35 --> 00:37:36

The Prophet, salallahu alayhi wasalam, did he ever

00:37:36 --> 00:37:37

do that?

00:37:37 --> 00:37:39

He was literally, he was defined as what?

00:37:40 --> 00:37:42

A walking example, a reflection of the Qur

00:37:42 --> 00:37:42

'an.

00:37:43 --> 00:37:45

Did he ever hit his wives or his

00:37:45 --> 00:37:47

children, salallahu alayhi wasalam?

00:37:47 --> 00:37:48

He did not.

00:37:48 --> 00:37:51

And the Prophet, alayhi salatu wasalam, exemplified everything

00:37:51 --> 00:37:52

of the Qur'anic teachings, by the way.

00:37:52 --> 00:37:55

All morality of goodness, the Prophet, salallahu alayhi

00:37:55 --> 00:37:55

wasalam, had it.

00:37:55 --> 00:37:56

And Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, testified to

00:37:56 --> 00:37:57

that.

00:37:57 --> 00:37:59

وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَى خُلُقٍ عَظِيمٍ So when people say

00:37:59 --> 00:38:00

this, they misunderstand.

00:38:00 --> 00:38:02

There's a very important point when it comes

00:38:02 --> 00:38:03

to salah here.

00:38:03 --> 00:38:05

The children are being taught in that culture

00:38:05 --> 00:38:05

as well.

00:38:05 --> 00:38:06

Keep this in mind.

00:38:06 --> 00:38:08

They're being taught to pray, way before they

00:38:08 --> 00:38:09

are required to pray.

00:38:09 --> 00:38:11

They're being taught how to pray.

00:38:11 --> 00:38:14

And also, I'm just emphasizing this as I

00:38:14 --> 00:38:15

have for all my previous sessions.

00:38:16 --> 00:38:19

Teaching the what, the fiqh, the how, is

00:38:19 --> 00:38:20

important.

00:38:20 --> 00:38:22

But if it's not combined with the why,

00:38:22 --> 00:38:23

why do we worship Allah?

00:38:24 --> 00:38:26

The aqeedah, the worldview from a young age,

00:38:26 --> 00:38:27

people get very confused.

00:38:28 --> 00:38:29

And I don't mean confused because you weren't

00:38:29 --> 00:38:31

clear in how to pray.

00:38:31 --> 00:38:33

I mean confused because later on when they

00:38:33 --> 00:38:35

run into questions that are very prevalent in

00:38:35 --> 00:38:38

this society, questions that in fact this society

00:38:38 --> 00:38:40

encourages people to ask, the skepticism that is

00:38:40 --> 00:38:43

very prevalent, the postmodernism, the watering down of

00:38:43 --> 00:38:44

truths as all equally valid.

00:38:45 --> 00:38:46

So if there's no aqeedah, if there's no

00:38:46 --> 00:38:48

why, and I mean here is just the

00:38:48 --> 00:38:51

basic concept of aqeedah, oneness of God, the

00:38:51 --> 00:38:53

attributes and names of Allah, nothing complicated, no

00:38:53 --> 00:38:55

movement based, nothing manhaj based.

00:38:55 --> 00:38:56

It's very straightforward.

00:38:56 --> 00:38:56

Who is your Lord?

00:38:57 --> 00:38:58

Why did He create you?

00:38:58 --> 00:38:58

Why are we here?

00:38:59 --> 00:39:00

Why do we pray?

00:39:00 --> 00:39:01

What's the importance of salah?

00:39:01 --> 00:39:03

Why on earth are the parents telling the

00:39:03 --> 00:39:05

child to pray on time, five times every

00:39:05 --> 00:39:06

day?

00:39:06 --> 00:39:08

So knowing the why is as crucial.

00:39:08 --> 00:39:10

As for hitting and beating and all of

00:39:10 --> 00:39:12

this, it's not mentioned in any hadith.

00:39:12 --> 00:39:16

The only hadith that mentions disciplining a child

00:39:16 --> 00:39:18

with something physical is the hadith about salah.

00:39:19 --> 00:39:21

And most scholars say there has never been

00:39:21 --> 00:39:23

an indication that this is the type of

00:39:23 --> 00:39:26

hitting that is more than emotional than physical.

00:39:26 --> 00:39:28

Meaning there is no such thing as beating

00:39:28 --> 00:39:30

someone, bruising someone, punching someone.

00:39:31 --> 00:39:33

And also this was very common in Arabia

00:39:33 --> 00:39:35

in terms of the discipline of children.

00:39:35 --> 00:39:36

And this was not just common by the

00:39:36 --> 00:39:37

way.

00:39:37 --> 00:39:39

This was reformation for what they used to

00:39:39 --> 00:39:40

do to children.

00:39:40 --> 00:39:42

This reformed what people actually did to their

00:39:42 --> 00:39:43

family members.

00:39:43 --> 00:39:45

And the third related to what I had

00:39:45 --> 00:39:46

mentioned before is ignoring.

00:39:46 --> 00:39:49

Completely neglecting the presence of the child.

00:39:49 --> 00:39:51

The child is looking for attention and as

00:39:51 --> 00:39:55

many parents say to people with younger children,

00:39:55 --> 00:39:57

you know sometimes the child wants all your

00:39:57 --> 00:40:00

attention when they're like very, very young.

00:40:00 --> 00:40:02

But as they get older and older and

00:40:02 --> 00:40:03

older and older, a day will come in

00:40:03 --> 00:40:04

which you'll feel like they don't want any

00:40:04 --> 00:40:05

attention from you whatsoever.

00:40:06 --> 00:40:08

So cherish the time in which they do

00:40:08 --> 00:40:08

desire attention.

00:40:09 --> 00:40:11

Be present, be very there for them.

00:40:11 --> 00:40:13

And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protect

00:40:13 --> 00:40:14

our children and protect us and guide us

00:40:14 --> 00:40:15

as well.

00:40:15 --> 00:40:15

Allahumma ameen.

00:40:16 --> 00:40:16

Allah sheikh.

00:40:17 --> 00:40:19

Sometimes we hear the same hadith and we

00:40:19 --> 00:40:21

focus on the act or the fact of

00:40:21 --> 00:40:22

we can beat our children.

00:40:23 --> 00:40:27

But we forget for example the idea that

00:40:27 --> 00:40:28

Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wasallam is giving us

00:40:28 --> 00:40:31

important milestones in the life of a child

00:40:31 --> 00:40:33

which is 7 years old and 10 years

00:40:33 --> 00:40:33

old.

00:40:33 --> 00:40:35

So one thing that we did with our

00:40:35 --> 00:40:36

kids is that we don't celebrate birthdays.

00:40:37 --> 00:40:38

I'm not saying celebrating is haram.

00:40:38 --> 00:40:40

That's another thing.

00:40:40 --> 00:40:41

But we don't celebrate.

00:40:41 --> 00:40:42

We celebrate achievements.

00:40:42 --> 00:40:43

We don't celebrate birthdays.

00:40:43 --> 00:40:45

With the exception of the 7th birthday and

00:40:45 --> 00:40:46

the 10th birthday.

00:40:46 --> 00:40:48

And that's what we call it the Salahbration.

00:40:49 --> 00:40:50

That's a joke.

00:40:51 --> 00:40:53

It's a Salahbration, Salah party.

00:40:54 --> 00:40:57

And technically, so we're celebrating that Abdurrahman, now

00:40:57 --> 00:40:58

you're 7.

00:40:58 --> 00:41:00

So now you're in an age where we

00:41:00 --> 00:41:01

have to remind you about Salah.

00:41:01 --> 00:41:01

Allahu Akbar.

00:41:02 --> 00:41:04

And then it's all themed about Salah.

00:41:04 --> 00:41:06

And so we try to make a big

00:41:06 --> 00:41:07

deal out of it.

00:41:07 --> 00:41:08

So subhanallah, it's the same hadith.

00:41:09 --> 00:41:11

Somebody could use this as an excuse that

00:41:11 --> 00:41:12

yeah, I can hit him or her if

00:41:12 --> 00:41:13

they don't pray.

00:41:13 --> 00:41:14

I can hit him or her if they

00:41:14 --> 00:41:20

don't, and then we can extrapolate to other

00:41:20 --> 00:41:20

things.

00:41:21 --> 00:41:24

So the idea also about hitting at age

00:41:24 --> 00:41:29

10, technically imagine the parent who never commanded

00:41:29 --> 00:41:31

their children to do any Salah.

00:41:32 --> 00:41:34

And imagine how many times that parent should

00:41:34 --> 00:41:35

remind their children about Salah.

00:41:35 --> 00:41:37

So between ages 7 to 10.

00:41:37 --> 00:41:38

You have 3 years, right, if you do

00:41:38 --> 00:41:39

the math.

00:41:39 --> 00:41:42

And then you have 5 Salawat per day.

00:41:42 --> 00:41:43

Multiply this by 365.

00:41:44 --> 00:41:45

Multiply this by 3.

00:41:45 --> 00:41:47

Imagine how many times this parent should remind

00:41:47 --> 00:41:49

their child in a very nice way, without

00:41:49 --> 00:41:54

any abuse, without making Salah unappealing to them.

00:41:56 --> 00:41:58

So if that parent really did all of

00:41:58 --> 00:42:00

these reminders, thousands of reminders, and then that

00:42:00 --> 00:42:03

child did not comply, then you can maybe

00:42:03 --> 00:42:04

escalate.

00:42:04 --> 00:42:05

But most of us really take shortcuts.

00:42:05 --> 00:42:08

Most of us really have another agenda in

00:42:08 --> 00:42:10

the name of the hadith.

00:42:10 --> 00:42:11

Subhanallah.

00:42:11 --> 00:42:12

The last thing I want to share, and

00:42:12 --> 00:42:15

this may sound as disagreeing with Sheikh Suleiman,

00:42:15 --> 00:42:17

every house, we have our non-negotiables.

00:42:18 --> 00:42:19

Like our children, if they decide not to

00:42:19 --> 00:42:23

wake up for school, then the real parent

00:42:23 --> 00:42:25

will become a parent.

00:42:25 --> 00:42:26

That's another Amr Joub.

00:42:28 --> 00:42:30

So all of us, we have our non

00:42:30 --> 00:42:30

-negotiables.

00:42:30 --> 00:42:33

Kids don't get to brush their teeth or

00:42:33 --> 00:42:34

not brush their teeth.

00:42:34 --> 00:42:35

We don't, by the way, teach them why

00:42:35 --> 00:42:36

they brush their teeth.

00:42:36 --> 00:42:38

We tell them, you have to do it.

00:42:38 --> 00:42:39

So all of us have a series of

00:42:39 --> 00:42:39

commands.

00:42:39 --> 00:42:41

And what the hadith is telling us, Salat

00:42:41 --> 00:42:42

is one of them.

00:42:42 --> 00:42:43

Salat is non-negotiable.

00:42:44 --> 00:42:46

Of course, we teach the why, and we

00:42:46 --> 00:42:49

reason, and we take them to halaqas, Islamic

00:42:49 --> 00:42:49

classes, what have you.

00:42:50 --> 00:42:54

But also, I think the hadith is showing

00:42:54 --> 00:42:58

us that a Muslim household is disciplined by

00:42:58 --> 00:42:58

nature.

00:42:59 --> 00:43:00

We have five anchors in the day.

00:43:01 --> 00:43:03

And the Muslim household does not start at

00:43:03 --> 00:43:04

the time to go to school or time

00:43:04 --> 00:43:06

to catch the bus or what have you.

00:43:06 --> 00:43:07

Yes, homework is important.

00:43:07 --> 00:43:08

Going to school is important.

00:43:08 --> 00:43:10

But Salat comes first.

00:43:10 --> 00:43:12

So that was just the comment.

00:43:12 --> 00:43:13

Although, mashallah, there's a lot.

00:43:17 --> 00:43:18

That was a lot of Amr Joubs, right?

00:43:19 --> 00:43:20

I wasn't ready for that.

00:43:23 --> 00:43:25

Number four is fighting in front of children.

00:43:25 --> 00:43:26

Fighting in front of children.

00:43:27 --> 00:43:30

Obviously, I think this should be obvious, but

00:43:30 --> 00:43:31

at times it's not.

00:43:32 --> 00:43:34

According to a number of studies and a

00:43:34 --> 00:43:36

number of psychologists, when parents fight in front

00:43:36 --> 00:43:38

of their children, especially when it becomes heated,

00:43:38 --> 00:43:42

for many children, in these studies, in these

00:43:42 --> 00:43:44

surveys as well, for many children, their mind

00:43:44 --> 00:43:45

jumps to worst-case scenario.

00:43:46 --> 00:43:48

Their mind jumps to something much worse than

00:43:48 --> 00:43:49

what the parents understand is happening.

00:43:50 --> 00:43:51

And so fighting in front of the children

00:43:51 --> 00:43:52

is not a healthy thing.

00:43:52 --> 00:43:54

And even from the Islamic perspective, it's not

00:43:54 --> 00:43:57

seen as a wise thing, that there's a

00:43:57 --> 00:43:57

lot of tension.

00:43:57 --> 00:43:59

So they don't see mawadda and rahma, they

00:43:59 --> 00:44:00

see the opposite of this.

00:44:00 --> 00:44:04

And so, obviously, this requires some restraint.

00:44:04 --> 00:44:07

If there's a heated situation, that the mother

00:44:07 --> 00:44:09

and the father know to talk in private.

00:44:09 --> 00:44:11

The husband knows to talk to the wife

00:44:11 --> 00:44:13

somewhere else about this situation.

00:44:13 --> 00:44:14

Sometimes that's difficult.

00:44:14 --> 00:44:16

Sometimes you don't have that space.

00:44:16 --> 00:44:17

Sometimes you don't have that time.

00:44:17 --> 00:44:19

But this is something that is important to

00:44:19 --> 00:44:20

keep in mind when it comes to the

00:44:20 --> 00:44:21

impact on the children.

00:44:21 --> 00:44:23

Number five is not supporting the children.

00:44:23 --> 00:44:25

Again, we emphasize this many times.

00:44:25 --> 00:44:28

Here, specifically in the teenage years, not supporting

00:44:28 --> 00:44:30

them to discuss the decisions that they are

00:44:30 --> 00:44:31

trying to make.

00:44:31 --> 00:44:34

Now, some people say, no, I'm more authoritarian,

00:44:34 --> 00:44:36

and I want my children to be very,

00:44:36 --> 00:44:36

very disciplined.

00:44:37 --> 00:44:37

And you know what?

00:44:37 --> 00:44:39

They might come out with really good scores

00:44:39 --> 00:44:41

and grades and get a great career and

00:44:41 --> 00:44:42

do well in their memorization school and all

00:44:42 --> 00:44:42

that.

00:44:43 --> 00:44:43

Alhamdulillah.

00:44:43 --> 00:44:46

But sometimes teaching them how to make choices

00:44:46 --> 00:44:49

and how to have alternatives may help them

00:44:49 --> 00:44:51

in their actual decision-making.

00:44:51 --> 00:44:53

Because if they make a mistake with something

00:44:53 --> 00:44:55

small that's supervised and controlled, you can then

00:44:55 --> 00:44:56

advise.

00:44:56 --> 00:44:58

This is why I wasn't recommending it, but

00:44:58 --> 00:44:59

you chose that option, for example.

00:44:59 --> 00:45:01

Again, something that is permissible here.

00:45:02 --> 00:45:04

The sixth is, generally speaking, is anger.

00:45:05 --> 00:45:06

The strong one.

00:45:07 --> 00:45:09

The strong one is not the one who

00:45:09 --> 00:45:10

can just win every wrestling match.

00:45:11 --> 00:45:14

So even if you're like 29-0 in

00:45:14 --> 00:45:16

a professional fighting sport or wrestling or whatever

00:45:16 --> 00:45:18

it may be, if you're the greatest in

00:45:18 --> 00:45:21

the boxing ring, it doesn't really matter here.

00:45:21 --> 00:45:24

Prophet ﷺ is defining the strong man.

00:45:24 --> 00:45:26

Obviously, when we talk about strength here, yes,

00:45:26 --> 00:45:29

the hadith was about specifically the concept, the

00:45:29 --> 00:45:30

analogy of wrestling.

00:45:30 --> 00:45:32

This applies to the anger that a man

00:45:32 --> 00:45:33

or a woman may have.

00:45:34 --> 00:45:36

The strong person is the one who controls

00:45:36 --> 00:45:38

himself or herself when they are angry.

00:45:38 --> 00:45:39

They think before they speak.

00:45:40 --> 00:45:42

I gave the example of Imam Ahmad, rahim

00:45:42 --> 00:45:42

Allah.

00:45:42 --> 00:45:44

Somebody said to him when they heard that

00:45:44 --> 00:45:46

he did not argue with his wife for

00:45:46 --> 00:45:47

40 years.

00:45:47 --> 00:45:48

This is after she passed away.

00:45:48 --> 00:45:50

40 years, you never got into a fight.

00:45:50 --> 00:45:52

Like a fight, obviously, you'd have to define

00:45:52 --> 00:45:53

what is a fight in your family.

00:45:53 --> 00:45:54

Every marriage is different.

00:45:54 --> 00:45:56

So some people like a very light back

00:45:56 --> 00:45:57

and forth is like a fight.

00:45:58 --> 00:46:00

Some people, a fight is like physical.

00:46:00 --> 00:46:02

Allah ﷻ protect all the families and guide

00:46:02 --> 00:46:03

us all to the best of actions.

00:46:04 --> 00:46:05

How did you never fight for 40 years?

00:46:06 --> 00:46:08

He said, when I was angry, she was

00:46:08 --> 00:46:08

quiet.

00:46:08 --> 00:46:10

When she was angry, I was quiet.

00:46:11 --> 00:46:14

Now, we're like, okay, is that realistic to

00:46:14 --> 00:46:15

do for 40 years?

00:46:16 --> 00:46:18

Conflict resolution is its own mastery.

00:46:19 --> 00:46:21

Conflict resolution is something that impacts every relationship.

00:46:21 --> 00:46:23

And it's something, honestly, if you struggle with

00:46:23 --> 00:46:27

anger and relationships, whether family or others, I

00:46:27 --> 00:46:29

highly encourage you and advise you to invest

00:46:29 --> 00:46:30

time in this.

00:46:30 --> 00:46:31

Think of it this way.

00:46:31 --> 00:46:33

It's something you need for the rest of

00:46:33 --> 00:46:33

your life.

00:46:33 --> 00:46:36

But the study aspect, the initial study is

00:46:36 --> 00:46:37

a few hours.

00:46:37 --> 00:46:38

The initial study is a few courses.

00:46:38 --> 00:46:40

The initial study for some people may be

00:46:40 --> 00:46:42

therapy, may be anger management.

00:46:42 --> 00:46:44

But it's something you invest in now that

00:46:44 --> 00:46:46

you'll benefit from for decades, inshallah ta'ala.

00:46:46 --> 00:46:48

So this is something to keep in mind

00:46:48 --> 00:46:49

when it comes to anger.

00:46:49 --> 00:46:51

And the seventh point and the last one

00:46:51 --> 00:46:52

I'll mention now and then hand it back

00:46:52 --> 00:46:55

to Dr. Muhannad is being excessively negative.

00:46:55 --> 00:46:58

I'm not just talking about criticism.

00:46:58 --> 00:47:00

Criticism for some people in some cultures is

00:47:00 --> 00:47:02

the default for the parents.

00:47:02 --> 00:47:04

And for some cultures, like one other brother

00:47:04 --> 00:47:05

says, it's the default for the father to

00:47:05 --> 00:47:06

be the critical one.

00:47:06 --> 00:47:07

I'm like, what does that mean?

00:47:07 --> 00:47:09

Like you guys play good cop, bad cop

00:47:09 --> 00:47:09

with your kids?

00:47:10 --> 00:47:11

Like the mom is always nice, the dad

00:47:11 --> 00:47:11

is always evil.

00:47:12 --> 00:47:12

How does that work?

00:47:13 --> 00:47:14

And for some people, it's the opposite.

00:47:14 --> 00:47:15

That's the other way around.

00:47:15 --> 00:47:17

Okay, jazakallah khair, now we know.

00:47:17 --> 00:47:19

So the interesting thing is the question of

00:47:19 --> 00:47:20

why this happens.

00:47:21 --> 00:47:23

Some people say it's because of a sense

00:47:23 --> 00:47:24

of control.

00:47:24 --> 00:47:26

Some psychologists say it's a sense of control

00:47:26 --> 00:47:28

and authority and expectation.

00:47:29 --> 00:47:31

And of course the parent is not, this

00:47:31 --> 00:47:32

is not a malicious thing.

00:47:32 --> 00:47:34

We're talking about a parent whose thought is

00:47:34 --> 00:47:36

what I want the best for my son

00:47:36 --> 00:47:36

and daughter.

00:47:37 --> 00:47:38

And if I'm not strict on them, if

00:47:38 --> 00:47:40

I don't criticize their shortcomings, they are not

00:47:40 --> 00:47:41

going to work harder.

00:47:41 --> 00:47:42

They're not going to be better.

00:47:43 --> 00:47:46

But here's where sometimes there is a cultural

00:47:46 --> 00:47:48

shift from one city to the other, from

00:47:48 --> 00:47:51

one country to the next, that in some

00:47:51 --> 00:47:53

countries, a child grows up in a different

00:47:53 --> 00:47:55

environment than their parents, or in the same

00:47:55 --> 00:47:58

country but with evolving cultural trends and values

00:47:58 --> 00:48:02

and technology, and they may completely misunderstand where

00:48:02 --> 00:48:03

the parent is coming from.

00:48:03 --> 00:48:06

Because to them, that criticism is a destruction

00:48:06 --> 00:48:07

of their self-esteem.

00:48:08 --> 00:48:10

To them, that criticism is like you're just

00:48:10 --> 00:48:11

constantly putting them down.

00:48:11 --> 00:48:12

They are never good enough for you.

00:48:13 --> 00:48:15

The Prophet ﷺ did not make people feel

00:48:15 --> 00:48:16

like they weren't good enough, by the way,

00:48:16 --> 00:48:17

even when they had shortcomings.

00:48:17 --> 00:48:19

And I'm not talking about religious obligations.

00:48:20 --> 00:48:21

But it was mentioned in one hadith by

00:48:21 --> 00:48:23

Zayd r.a, and the Prophet ﷺ never

00:48:23 --> 00:48:26

asked him why he didn't do something.

00:48:26 --> 00:48:27

We may find that to be shocking.

00:48:28 --> 00:48:29

Like a husband and wife may say, Oh,

00:48:29 --> 00:48:30

why did you do this?

00:48:30 --> 00:48:31

Or why didn't you do that?

00:48:31 --> 00:48:32

To the child, why did you do this?

00:48:32 --> 00:48:33

Why did you not do that?

00:48:33 --> 00:48:35

It's a very common thing.

00:48:35 --> 00:48:38

The Prophet's ﷺ emotional intelligence was on another

00:48:38 --> 00:48:38

level.

00:48:38 --> 00:48:41

In fact, that is the bar, that is

00:48:41 --> 00:48:43

the litmus test for people to study and

00:48:43 --> 00:48:45

understand emotional intelligence.

00:48:45 --> 00:48:48

So when it comes to criticism, a lot

00:48:48 --> 00:48:50

of people, especially teenagers, a lot of people

00:48:50 --> 00:48:52

don't like to be criticized because it's seen

00:48:52 --> 00:48:55

and perceived psychologically as a subtle form of

00:48:55 --> 00:48:55

control.

00:48:56 --> 00:48:57

I'm not good enough as I am.

00:48:57 --> 00:49:00

I'm never good enough because I'm always criticized.

00:49:00 --> 00:49:03

So essentially, there's no sense of completion.

00:49:03 --> 00:49:05

My identity is not free or complete.

00:49:05 --> 00:49:06

Everything I do is a problem.

00:49:06 --> 00:49:09

And this is very problematic for their mental

00:49:09 --> 00:49:09

health.

00:49:09 --> 00:49:11

This is problematic in the household.

00:49:11 --> 00:49:14

And so a lot of psychologists emphasize some

00:49:14 --> 00:49:16

parents try to control their teenagers with the

00:49:16 --> 00:49:17

way that they feel.

00:49:17 --> 00:49:18

They tell them, feel this way.

00:49:19 --> 00:49:20

That doesn't just change an emotion.

00:49:20 --> 00:49:22

They tell them, behave this way.

00:49:22 --> 00:49:25

That doesn't immediately change a habit you're convinced

00:49:25 --> 00:49:25

of.

00:49:26 --> 00:49:27

Or they try to control how they think,

00:49:27 --> 00:49:28

their thought process.

00:49:29 --> 00:49:32

So when we talk about criticism, we distinguish

00:49:32 --> 00:49:35

in Islam between criticism and giving advice, and

00:49:35 --> 00:49:38

giving advice, of course, includes parents giving advice

00:49:38 --> 00:49:39

to their children.

00:49:39 --> 00:49:41

And so this may be like one mother,

00:49:41 --> 00:49:43

she said in a previous lecture, she said,

00:49:43 --> 00:49:45

I used to criticize my daughter all the

00:49:45 --> 00:49:47

time for how she dressed, and I realized

00:49:47 --> 00:49:49

I was just approaching this in a very

00:49:49 --> 00:49:49

harsh way.

00:49:50 --> 00:49:53

I started telling her, I like your options,

00:49:53 --> 00:49:55

but let's go shop for something different together,

00:49:55 --> 00:49:56

and I'll show you what some better options

00:49:56 --> 00:49:57

are.

00:49:57 --> 00:49:58

I started explaining some of the details of

00:49:58 --> 00:50:01

why she was criticizing previously some of the

00:50:01 --> 00:50:01

things.

00:50:01 --> 00:50:03

Now, some people may see this and say,

00:50:03 --> 00:50:06

that's so ultra-sensitive, you're raising sensitive kids.

00:50:06 --> 00:50:07

We are living in a sensitive time.

00:50:08 --> 00:50:09

We are living in a sensitive culture.

00:50:10 --> 00:50:11

So whether or not we like it or

00:50:11 --> 00:50:13

we grew up in it does not affect

00:50:13 --> 00:50:14

how others are perceiving it.

00:50:15 --> 00:50:16

It's like the languages of love.

00:50:16 --> 00:50:18

You may say, I hate receiving gifts.

00:50:19 --> 00:50:21

Your spouse loves receiving gifts, and so you

00:50:21 --> 00:50:22

want them to be happy.

00:50:22 --> 00:50:23

It's not about you, it's about them.

00:50:23 --> 00:50:24

You're doing something for them.

00:50:24 --> 00:50:26

So the same goes for parenting here.

00:50:26 --> 00:50:29

Showing them your concern is a starting point.

00:50:30 --> 00:50:32

What does that mean, just to clarify one

00:50:32 --> 00:50:32

more time?

00:50:32 --> 00:50:33

And I know we're all on the same

00:50:33 --> 00:50:35

page, but these have to be clarified so

00:50:35 --> 00:50:37

there's no misunderstanding in what I'm saying as

00:50:37 --> 00:50:37

well.

00:50:38 --> 00:50:41

Showing them that the reason I'm saying what

00:50:41 --> 00:50:42

I'm about to say is, I really love

00:50:42 --> 00:50:43

you and I care for you.

00:50:44 --> 00:50:46

When it starts with that flattery and that

00:50:46 --> 00:50:48

expression of concern and love, not only will

00:50:48 --> 00:50:50

it impact the child's receptiveness, but also it

00:50:50 --> 00:50:51

may change the way the parents are about

00:50:51 --> 00:50:52

to deliver the message.

00:50:53 --> 00:50:54

This is coming from a place of concern.

00:50:55 --> 00:50:57

This is coming from a place of protectiveness.

00:50:57 --> 00:50:59

And this is why if someone's child does

00:50:59 --> 00:51:01

something bad in public, and the parents get

00:51:01 --> 00:51:03

angry, and then tell the child later at

00:51:03 --> 00:51:05

home, you embarrassed us in front of the

00:51:05 --> 00:51:06

people.

00:51:06 --> 00:51:08

The son and daughter think, what, you just

00:51:08 --> 00:51:09

care about what the people say.

00:51:09 --> 00:51:10

You care about what people are perceiving.

00:51:10 --> 00:51:11

You don't actually care about me.

00:51:12 --> 00:51:13

Like based on what you're saying, you feel

00:51:13 --> 00:51:14

embarrassed for you.

00:51:15 --> 00:51:16

Not because I did something right or wrong.

00:51:17 --> 00:51:19

So emphasizing here, I care about you.

00:51:19 --> 00:51:21

And obviously following through with action.

00:51:21 --> 00:51:24

Sometimes remembering the formula some psychologists say, an

00:51:24 --> 00:51:27

excessive amount of criticism, an excessive amount for

00:51:27 --> 00:51:29

many years, can lead to an excessive amount

00:51:29 --> 00:51:30

of rebellion.

00:51:30 --> 00:51:33

It's not justified, but it's sometimes the byproduct

00:51:33 --> 00:51:33

of it.

00:51:33 --> 00:51:35

So we're understanding where it may be coming

00:51:35 --> 00:51:35

from.

00:51:35 --> 00:51:36

May Allah protect us and our children.

00:51:37 --> 00:51:37

Allahumma ameen.

00:51:37 --> 00:51:38

I'll hand it to Dr. Mohamed to share

00:51:38 --> 00:51:39

some thoughts as well.

00:51:41 --> 00:51:44

So I did the math, assuming that kids

00:51:44 --> 00:51:47

will have an argument with their parents six

00:51:47 --> 00:51:48

times a day.

00:51:48 --> 00:51:49

So we have five daily prayers.

00:51:50 --> 00:51:52

Imagine how many arguments if we have six

00:51:52 --> 00:51:53

arguments per day.

00:51:53 --> 00:51:55

In my household, we do way more than

00:51:55 --> 00:51:56

six.

00:51:57 --> 00:51:58

So I stopped counting.

00:51:58 --> 00:51:59

We need a math teacher.

00:52:00 --> 00:52:03

So anyway, so the math, this will be

00:52:03 --> 00:52:06

around 2200 arguments every year.

00:52:07 --> 00:52:09

So imagine when our kids, let's say, when

00:52:09 --> 00:52:12

they are in the tamiz, like seven, up

00:52:12 --> 00:52:14

to 17, 18, imagine how many arguments they

00:52:14 --> 00:52:15

are having always.

00:52:16 --> 00:52:17

So arguments are part of life.

00:52:18 --> 00:52:19

I don't know about Imam Ahmad bin Hanbal,

00:52:19 --> 00:52:22

but arguments are part of life.

00:52:22 --> 00:52:25

And we have to remember that technically, I

00:52:25 --> 00:52:28

know it's easier said than done, but I

00:52:28 --> 00:52:31

always try to remind myself that my kid

00:52:31 --> 00:52:32

is a mirror of me.

00:52:32 --> 00:52:34

That's why most of our kids look like

00:52:34 --> 00:52:34

us.

00:52:35 --> 00:52:38

So they will model the way I am

00:52:38 --> 00:52:39

arguing with them.

00:52:40 --> 00:52:43

So in a sense, it's like you get

00:52:43 --> 00:52:43

what you pay for.

00:52:43 --> 00:52:45

You get what you invest for.

00:52:45 --> 00:52:46

So you either pay for it now or

00:52:46 --> 00:52:46

later.

00:52:47 --> 00:52:48

So I try to reason.

00:52:49 --> 00:52:50

I try sometimes to be firm.

00:52:50 --> 00:52:51

Sometimes I yell.

00:52:51 --> 00:52:54

It gets maybe not to the extent Suleyman

00:52:54 --> 00:52:55

goes.

00:52:55 --> 00:52:57

But I always try to remind myself that,

00:52:57 --> 00:53:01

subhanallah, I am planting all of this in

00:53:01 --> 00:53:02

my child.

00:53:02 --> 00:53:04

Another way that helped me a lot, and

00:53:04 --> 00:53:07

that's part of our productive Muslim mindset, we

00:53:07 --> 00:53:10

call it, okay, how can we minimize the

00:53:10 --> 00:53:10

reasons?

00:53:10 --> 00:53:11

How can we control our emotions?

00:53:11 --> 00:53:14

If you try to control the actions of

00:53:14 --> 00:53:15

not arguing, this won't help.

00:53:16 --> 00:53:18

Maybe it's better to go deeper and look

00:53:18 --> 00:53:20

at maybe the emotions or the mindset that

00:53:20 --> 00:53:22

we look and see the word through.

00:53:23 --> 00:53:25

I'm going to leave you with this, which

00:53:25 --> 00:53:26

is called the gardener mindset.

00:53:27 --> 00:53:29

So there's two ways.

00:53:29 --> 00:53:32

There's the gardener parent and the carpenter parent.

00:53:33 --> 00:53:34

Let's start with the easy model.

00:53:35 --> 00:53:37

The carpenter parent or the engineer parent.

00:53:37 --> 00:53:39

No offense to any engineers out there.

00:53:40 --> 00:53:42

But the parent who's trying to over-engineer

00:53:42 --> 00:53:43

their kid's future.

00:53:43 --> 00:53:48

They specify that my kid has to go

00:53:48 --> 00:53:50

through this school.

00:53:50 --> 00:53:52

This is how I want my son or

00:53:52 --> 00:53:52

daughter to be.

00:53:53 --> 00:53:54

They are carpenters in a sense.

00:53:54 --> 00:53:56

A carpenter who's trying to design a table,

00:53:56 --> 00:53:59

a chair, a closet, they have clear definitions

00:53:59 --> 00:54:01

of success.

00:54:02 --> 00:54:03

That's how success looks like.

00:54:03 --> 00:54:05

If that table or chair is one inch

00:54:05 --> 00:54:07

more or less, or different specs, what's going

00:54:07 --> 00:54:08

to happen?

00:54:08 --> 00:54:09

Useless.

00:54:09 --> 00:54:11

You send it to a liquidation store or

00:54:11 --> 00:54:12

what have you.

00:54:12 --> 00:54:16

A carpenter has a clear definition of success,

00:54:16 --> 00:54:19

and they get agitated if there's no quality

00:54:19 --> 00:54:20

control or what have you.

00:54:20 --> 00:54:21

That's a carpenter.

00:54:22 --> 00:54:24

When it comes to life, to anything that

00:54:24 --> 00:54:28

relates to human beings, being a carpenter, you're

00:54:28 --> 00:54:30

setting yourself up for disappointment.

00:54:30 --> 00:54:32

Because your expectations are very unrealistic.

00:54:33 --> 00:54:35

Instead, we talk about gardener parents.

00:54:36 --> 00:54:37

There's a book actually about this.

00:54:37 --> 00:54:41

The gardener parent will plant the seeds, will

00:54:41 --> 00:54:43

make sure that the seed is planted in

00:54:43 --> 00:54:44

the right soil.

00:54:45 --> 00:54:46

They understand the environment.

00:54:47 --> 00:54:48

They understand that there should be watering the

00:54:48 --> 00:54:52

seed, taking out the weed, making sure that

00:54:52 --> 00:54:52

there's sunlight.

00:54:53 --> 00:54:55

You can draw the analogies about all of

00:54:55 --> 00:54:55

this.

00:54:55 --> 00:54:57

But at the end of the day, the

00:54:57 --> 00:55:00

gardener understands that the fruit of that seed

00:55:00 --> 00:55:01

is in the hands of Allah.

00:55:03 --> 00:55:05

That's why we see that most of those

00:55:05 --> 00:55:07

who live in rural areas are more connected

00:55:07 --> 00:55:08

to God.

00:55:10 --> 00:55:12

So in a sense, a gardener understands that

00:55:12 --> 00:55:15

it's Allah who brings the fruits of our

00:55:15 --> 00:55:16

work.

00:55:22 --> 00:55:25

So every seed that we sow, we have

00:55:25 --> 00:55:26

to understand it's Allah.

00:55:27 --> 00:55:32

So sometimes a gardener parent, a parent who's

00:55:32 --> 00:55:34

connected to Allah, has to really let go,

00:55:35 --> 00:55:37

again, of that carpenter mindset.

00:55:37 --> 00:55:40

Because many times when I behave as a

00:55:40 --> 00:55:42

carpenter, I'm telling you my kids can tell

00:55:42 --> 00:55:44

it, can see, can notice.

00:55:44 --> 00:55:46

And all of us are trained sometimes, are

00:55:46 --> 00:55:48

again modeling whatever happened from our parents.

00:55:49 --> 00:55:50

And that's why the key word here I

00:55:50 --> 00:55:53

heard today from some of our teachers is

00:55:53 --> 00:55:53

self-awareness.

00:55:54 --> 00:55:57

Try to be aware, not only for my

00:55:57 --> 00:56:00

actions, what was happening in my mind when

00:56:00 --> 00:56:01

I was saying, when I was expecting.

00:56:02 --> 00:56:05

Again, wallahi, yajama'a, Sheikh Suleiman shared a

00:56:05 --> 00:56:07

lot of insights on the behavior, but the

00:56:07 --> 00:56:09

behavior starts with a mindset.

00:56:09 --> 00:56:12

It starts with goggles that we see the

00:56:12 --> 00:56:13

world.

00:56:13 --> 00:56:15

If we are trying to see our kids

00:56:15 --> 00:56:18

in a certain way and we are over

00:56:18 --> 00:56:21

-engineering their life, wallahi, we will disappoint, they

00:56:21 --> 00:56:23

will disappoint us because there's a lot of

00:56:23 --> 00:56:23

expectations.

00:56:24 --> 00:56:26

Instead, let's look at them as we're planting

00:56:26 --> 00:56:27

the right seeds.

00:56:27 --> 00:56:30

And by the way, the gardener focuses on

00:56:30 --> 00:56:32

the process, not on the outcome.

00:56:33 --> 00:56:34

Process, not outcome, inshallah.

00:56:35 --> 00:56:36

And at the end of the day, Allah

00:56:36 --> 00:56:38

subhanahu wa ta'ala, they are in this

00:56:38 --> 00:56:40

test as much as we are in this

00:56:40 --> 00:56:40

test.

00:56:41 --> 00:56:42

It's not that we have figured it out.

00:56:42 --> 00:56:44

We are also a work in progress.

00:56:44 --> 00:56:47

We're still, subhanallah, working on ourselves.

00:56:47 --> 00:56:48

So I hope that this makes sense.

00:56:48 --> 00:56:50

I ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to

00:56:50 --> 00:56:52

help us all, inshallah ta'ala, plant the

00:56:52 --> 00:56:55

right seeds of iman and faith and righteousness

00:56:55 --> 00:56:56

in our children.

00:56:57 --> 00:56:58

Jazakumullah khair, Sheikh.

00:56:58 --> 00:56:59

And you want to make someone else?

00:56:59 --> 00:57:01

Last two points, inshallah.

00:57:01 --> 00:57:05

Okay, so the last point we said was

00:57:05 --> 00:57:06

eight.

00:57:06 --> 00:57:07

I know some people were taking notes on

00:57:07 --> 00:57:08

their phones.

00:57:08 --> 00:57:09

I just want to make sure I get

00:57:09 --> 00:57:09

through.

00:57:09 --> 00:57:10

Eight was public humiliation.

00:57:10 --> 00:57:12

Number nine is comparing kids to each other.

00:57:12 --> 00:57:15

Comparing kids frequently to each other actually creates

00:57:15 --> 00:57:17

some problems between them and between them and

00:57:17 --> 00:57:18

the parents as well.

00:57:18 --> 00:57:19

Sometimes there's animosity that shows up later.

00:57:20 --> 00:57:22

Number ten, and perhaps one of the most

00:57:22 --> 00:57:24

important, is spoiling them.

00:57:25 --> 00:57:26

Spoiling them.

00:57:26 --> 00:57:29

And what's interesting about this, to summarize thousands

00:57:29 --> 00:57:32

of pages of research, kids are very smart,

00:57:33 --> 00:57:34

and especially at a certain age, they can

00:57:34 --> 00:57:38

start to sense how much control they have

00:57:38 --> 00:57:39

in that relationship with parents.

00:57:39 --> 00:57:41

We know this, everyone knows this.

00:57:41 --> 00:57:42

Whoever dealt with a child knows.

00:57:42 --> 00:57:45

From a very young age, they can start

00:57:45 --> 00:57:47

to know when they push their boundaries, how

00:57:47 --> 00:57:48

much they can get out of mom and

00:57:48 --> 00:57:48

dad.

00:57:48 --> 00:57:49

And they know which parent to go to

00:57:49 --> 00:57:50

for what issue.

00:57:50 --> 00:57:52

So they'll go to the mother or the

00:57:52 --> 00:57:53

father, and they'll go to the mother back,

00:57:53 --> 00:57:55

and the father said this, are you sure

00:57:55 --> 00:57:55

he said that?

00:57:55 --> 00:57:57

So they know what they can demand.

00:57:58 --> 00:58:00

What's interesting about this concept of spoiling, a

00:58:00 --> 00:58:01

lot of parents feel like they don't want

00:58:01 --> 00:58:03

to lose their children, or disappoint their children,

00:58:04 --> 00:58:05

or feel like they're not loving enough to

00:58:05 --> 00:58:07

their children, or they're not giving them something

00:58:07 --> 00:58:09

that maybe they thought is an expectation or

00:58:09 --> 00:58:11

something they are entitled to.

00:58:11 --> 00:58:13

But what starts to happen, psychologists say over

00:58:13 --> 00:58:15

time, is you start to become weaker as

00:58:15 --> 00:58:16

a parent in a relationship.

00:58:17 --> 00:58:18

Weaker not in the sense of you being

00:58:18 --> 00:58:20

the parents, but you actually having full control

00:58:20 --> 00:58:21

as a parent.

00:58:21 --> 00:58:23

The child stops obeying the parent.

00:58:23 --> 00:58:25

I'm not talking about a blind obedience.

00:58:25 --> 00:58:27

But they stop respecting the parent as much.

00:58:27 --> 00:58:29

They start controlling the parent more, and the

00:58:29 --> 00:58:31

parent basically having that authority.

00:58:31 --> 00:58:34

What's interesting here is this example.

00:58:35 --> 00:58:37

A child goes to the mother or the

00:58:37 --> 00:58:39

father, and they say, Mama, Baba, if I

00:58:39 --> 00:58:41

do this assignment, or this chore, or this

00:58:41 --> 00:58:43

ibadah, will you give me $20?

00:58:44 --> 00:58:45

This is a common one, right?

00:58:46 --> 00:58:47

Okay, everyone's like no.

00:58:47 --> 00:58:49

Of course, Alhamdulillah, we're on the same page.

00:58:50 --> 00:58:51

The parent should say, according to a number

00:58:51 --> 00:58:55

of experts, the best response is, no, you're

00:58:55 --> 00:58:56

not getting the money for something you have

00:58:56 --> 00:58:57

to do.

00:58:57 --> 00:58:58

It's something you have to do.

00:58:58 --> 00:59:00

If you need $20 for something, we can

00:59:00 --> 00:59:02

talk about what it is later on, and

00:59:02 --> 00:59:03

I'll give you the money.

00:59:03 --> 00:59:04

But it's not going to be tied to

00:59:04 --> 00:59:05

something you must do.

00:59:06 --> 00:59:08

Non-negotiable, it's something you have to do.

00:59:08 --> 00:59:11

What's amazing here, is when the secular and

00:59:11 --> 00:59:12

the religious are brought up.

00:59:13 --> 00:59:15

Like secular, and I mean here like full

00:59:15 --> 00:59:16

-time school.

00:59:16 --> 00:59:18

Now, for many people, Alhamdulillah, they understand the

00:59:18 --> 00:59:20

dangers of secularity, and how it's embedded in

00:59:20 --> 00:59:23

the public education system, and how flawed public

00:59:23 --> 00:59:24

education system is in general.

00:59:25 --> 00:59:27

So, when the child says, or the child

00:59:27 --> 00:59:28

cannot say, but if the child says, I

00:59:28 --> 00:59:30

don't want to go to school anymore, like

00:59:30 --> 00:59:32

for the rest of my life, you won't

00:59:32 --> 00:59:32

take that seriously.

00:59:32 --> 00:59:33

Nobody would.

00:59:33 --> 00:59:34

What are you talking about?

00:59:34 --> 00:59:35

You have to go to school.

00:59:35 --> 00:59:35

You're in sixth grade.

00:59:35 --> 00:59:37

You still have six more years before college.

00:59:37 --> 00:59:38

It's non-negotiable.

00:59:38 --> 00:59:39

We don't think twice about it.

00:59:40 --> 00:59:41

It's like there isn't like, you know what,

00:59:41 --> 00:59:42

let's reason, let's see.

00:59:43 --> 00:59:44

It's non-negotiable.

00:59:44 --> 00:59:46

You might explain to your child why, but

00:59:46 --> 00:59:48

you will never twice think about like, is

00:59:48 --> 00:59:49

there really another option?

00:59:49 --> 00:59:50

Like they don't have to go to school

00:59:50 --> 00:59:51

anymore after sixth grade.

00:59:52 --> 00:59:52

It's not an option.

00:59:53 --> 00:59:56

When the religious comes up, I don't want

00:59:56 --> 00:59:56

to memorize Quran.

00:59:56 --> 00:59:57

I don't want to go to halaqa.

00:59:58 --> 00:59:59

I don't want to do this and that.

00:59:59 --> 01:00:01

You know what, don't force this thing upon

01:00:01 --> 01:00:01

them.

01:00:01 --> 01:00:02

It is negotiable.

01:00:03 --> 01:00:04

So, why is this negotiable and the other

01:00:04 --> 01:00:05

is not?

01:00:05 --> 01:00:07

As soon as something becomes negotiable, they start

01:00:07 --> 01:00:08

to know what?

01:00:08 --> 01:00:09

It's always going to be negotiable.

01:00:10 --> 01:00:11

And if you backtrack later, it's seen as

01:00:11 --> 01:00:12

an odd thing.

01:00:12 --> 01:00:12

What do you mean?

01:00:12 --> 01:00:14

You never forced me to go to this

01:00:14 --> 01:00:15

program before.

01:00:15 --> 01:00:16

I don't want to go to this program.

01:00:17 --> 01:00:19

The reality is not, I'm not getting into

01:00:19 --> 01:00:21

the details of the how and the why.

01:00:21 --> 01:00:24

The reality is the authority that the parent

01:00:24 --> 01:00:27

is exemplifying to the child is found through

01:00:27 --> 01:00:30

these subtle everyday questions, these everyday examples.

01:00:31 --> 01:00:33

And so, when you give the child something

01:00:33 --> 01:00:35

that they are not actually entitled to, like

01:00:35 --> 01:00:38

when you spoil a child, it doesn't actually

01:00:38 --> 01:00:39

make them love the parents more.

01:00:40 --> 01:00:42

And that's something a lot of parents don't

01:00:42 --> 01:00:42

know.

01:00:42 --> 01:00:44

It doesn't make the child love the parent

01:00:44 --> 01:00:44

more.

01:00:45 --> 01:00:46

They love the parent more for the thing

01:00:46 --> 01:00:48

that the parent gave them and when the

01:00:48 --> 01:00:49

parent prevents them from that thing in the

01:00:49 --> 01:00:52

future, they will become angry, disobedient, and have

01:00:52 --> 01:00:53

problems with their parents.

01:00:53 --> 01:00:54

And we see this in a lot of

01:00:54 --> 01:00:56

children who are extremely entitled and spoiled.

01:00:57 --> 01:00:58

And so, when you give them, it is

01:00:58 --> 01:01:01

based off of certain times, certain occasions, certain

01:01:01 --> 01:01:04

guidelines, certain conditions, but it's not something they

01:01:04 --> 01:01:05

are entitled to.

01:01:05 --> 01:01:08

And we all recognize that an entitled child

01:01:08 --> 01:01:09

is not good for the world.

01:01:09 --> 01:01:10

An entitled child is not good for the

01:01:10 --> 01:01:11

parents.

01:01:11 --> 01:01:12

An entitled child is not good for the

01:01:12 --> 01:01:13

ummah.

01:01:13 --> 01:01:14

We're talking about reviving the ummah.

01:01:14 --> 01:01:16

We want to raise children who understand self

01:01:16 --> 01:01:18

-discipline, the benefit and blessing of hard work,

01:01:18 --> 01:01:20

the benefit of working for something, of respecting

01:01:20 --> 01:01:23

their parents, of also having kind of that

01:01:23 --> 01:01:25

give and take after a certain age.

01:01:25 --> 01:01:26

Wallahu ta'ala alam.

01:01:26 --> 01:01:27

What I want to do because we want

01:01:27 --> 01:01:28

to wrap up here.

01:01:28 --> 01:01:29

I'm just going to mention five things very

01:01:29 --> 01:01:32

quickly and ask Dr. Muhannad for his advice

01:01:32 --> 01:01:32

as well.

01:01:33 --> 01:01:34

What are some activities every Muslim family should

01:01:34 --> 01:01:35

strive for?

01:01:35 --> 01:01:38

Again, every family is different, different dynamics, different

01:01:38 --> 01:01:41

age groups, different situations, there's sometimes single father,

01:01:41 --> 01:01:43

single mothers, but general principles.

01:01:43 --> 01:01:45

The first is to recognize that a child

01:01:45 --> 01:01:48

cannot have Islamic tarbiyah in just one Islamic

01:01:48 --> 01:01:48

school.

01:01:49 --> 01:01:51

You cannot throw them in one halaqah and

01:01:51 --> 01:01:52

say, fix my child.

01:01:52 --> 01:01:54

You cannot wait until they are much older

01:01:54 --> 01:01:58

and say, please, Dr. Muhannad, please, sheikh so

01:01:58 --> 01:02:00

and so, my child is just completely straying

01:02:00 --> 01:02:01

from Islam.

01:02:01 --> 01:02:04

And then you ask, how many years have

01:02:04 --> 01:02:04

you taught them of Islam?

01:02:05 --> 01:02:06

And like, what do you mean years?

01:02:06 --> 01:02:08

I just want them now to start going

01:02:08 --> 01:02:09

to this halaqah.

01:02:09 --> 01:02:09

I told them to pray.

01:02:10 --> 01:02:11

I told them to wear hijab.

01:02:11 --> 01:02:12

Is that not enough?

01:02:12 --> 01:02:14

I told them who God is.

01:02:14 --> 01:02:15

I can just worship Allah.

01:02:15 --> 01:02:15

He's one.

01:02:16 --> 01:02:17

We're not Christians, we're Muslims.

01:02:17 --> 01:02:20

So, there weren't many things in terms of

01:02:20 --> 01:02:22

literacy, in terms of proficiency.

01:02:22 --> 01:02:25

A child goes through public education for 12

01:02:25 --> 01:02:25

years.

01:02:26 --> 01:02:28

They are according to the state standards, they

01:02:28 --> 01:02:31

are completing all the core requirements for math,

01:02:31 --> 01:02:33

geometry things requirement.

01:02:33 --> 01:02:35

You have to study biology, you have to

01:02:35 --> 01:02:37

take world history, you have to take American

01:02:37 --> 01:02:39

history in this state, in this country.

01:02:40 --> 01:02:41

But then you look at Islamic literacy, and

01:02:41 --> 01:02:43

it's like first grade, second grade level.

01:02:43 --> 01:02:45

It's because all they were given is like

01:02:45 --> 01:02:46

Sunday school once like every few years when

01:02:46 --> 01:02:48

the child wanted to go, when the parents

01:02:48 --> 01:02:49

felt like there was time.

01:02:49 --> 01:02:51

So, if they don't have much literacy in

01:02:51 --> 01:02:54

it, it's something that will affect them later

01:02:54 --> 01:02:54

on.

01:02:54 --> 01:02:56

And in fact, they don't know.

01:02:56 --> 01:02:58

They can't be responsible to make that choice

01:02:58 --> 01:02:59

at a young age.

01:02:59 --> 01:03:01

That's where the parents have to recognize this

01:03:01 --> 01:03:01

amanah.

01:03:02 --> 01:03:04

The second advice for practices of the parents

01:03:04 --> 01:03:06

is to make sure that the parents are

01:03:06 --> 01:03:08

role models inside the house, not just outside

01:03:08 --> 01:03:08

the house.

01:03:09 --> 01:03:11

And so, this means don't just drop them

01:03:11 --> 01:03:13

off to the masjid for the halaq on

01:03:13 --> 01:03:13

the program.

01:03:13 --> 01:03:14

Go with them to the masjid.

01:03:15 --> 01:03:16

This means don't just drop them off to

01:03:16 --> 01:03:18

Quran programs and they never see you reading

01:03:18 --> 01:03:18

Quran.

01:03:18 --> 01:03:20

You know, some parents told us in this

01:03:20 --> 01:03:22

community and other places, mashaAllah, the parents memorize

01:03:22 --> 01:03:24

the Quran, and they review all the time.

01:03:24 --> 01:03:26

But never once is that in front of

01:03:26 --> 01:03:26

the children.

01:03:27 --> 01:03:28

Because it's while the children are in school,

01:03:28 --> 01:03:29

it's the only break that they have.

01:03:29 --> 01:03:31

It's when they're asleep and the parents want

01:03:31 --> 01:03:31

to pray qiyam.

01:03:32 --> 01:03:33

So, like my children think I don't read

01:03:33 --> 01:03:33

Quran.

01:03:34 --> 01:03:35

So, it's good to show them in front

01:03:35 --> 01:03:36

of them.

01:03:36 --> 01:03:38

Like this is something I'm telling you to

01:03:38 --> 01:03:39

do, but I'm also, I believe in it.

01:03:39 --> 01:03:40

It's important.

01:03:40 --> 01:03:42

The third is a family gathering.

01:03:43 --> 01:03:44

And the gathering is not always educational.

01:03:45 --> 01:03:45

It's social.

01:03:46 --> 01:03:47

It's educational.

01:03:47 --> 01:03:48

It's emotional.

01:03:48 --> 01:03:49

It's building bonds.

01:03:49 --> 01:03:50

It's tarbiyah.

01:03:50 --> 01:03:51

It's playing.

01:03:51 --> 01:03:52

Alhamdulillah.

01:03:52 --> 01:03:55

So, it's basically the parents actually spending quality

01:03:55 --> 01:03:56

time with their children, building those foundations.

01:03:57 --> 01:04:00

I do believe personally in this era with

01:04:00 --> 01:04:02

all the problems people struggle with intellectually and

01:04:02 --> 01:04:06

philosophically and emotionally and temptation-wise, the parents

01:04:06 --> 01:04:08

need to also be present when it comes

01:04:08 --> 01:04:09

to the educational aspect.

01:04:09 --> 01:04:10

Like they need to be invested in some

01:04:10 --> 01:04:12

kind of family halaqah.

01:04:12 --> 01:04:14

Some kind of weekly gathering, if not daily.

01:04:15 --> 01:04:16

Some hadith that they study, some book that

01:04:16 --> 01:04:17

they go through.

01:04:17 --> 01:04:18

And there are some books that you'll hear

01:04:18 --> 01:04:20

about today inshaAllah ta'ala as an example.

01:04:20 --> 01:04:22

But I genuinely mean this is one of

01:04:22 --> 01:04:24

the things that children take into their parenting

01:04:24 --> 01:04:25

as they become parents.

01:04:26 --> 01:04:27

And so, an example of this is أذكار

01:04:27 --> 01:04:28

الصباح والمساء.

01:04:28 --> 01:04:31

The morning and evening supplications when children are

01:04:31 --> 01:04:32

taught at a young age, not only in

01:04:32 --> 01:04:33

school but with their parents.

01:04:34 --> 01:04:35

That these are things we have to do

01:04:35 --> 01:04:36

as a family, or these are things you

01:04:36 --> 01:04:37

have to learn.

01:04:37 --> 01:04:39

They end up taking these practices inshaAllah ta

01:04:39 --> 01:04:42

'ala into their own lives, into their own

01:04:42 --> 01:04:43

practices as well.

01:04:43 --> 01:04:44

And the last point that I will share

01:04:44 --> 01:04:46

is fasting together, and making dua for one

01:04:46 --> 01:04:50

another, forgiving one another, being compassionate as well.

01:04:50 --> 01:04:52

There are many other things we can emphasize,

01:04:52 --> 01:04:53

but I'll stop here for the sake of

01:04:53 --> 01:04:55

time and ask Dr. Muhannad to share some

01:04:55 --> 01:04:56

final advice inshaAllah.

01:04:58 --> 01:05:00

So, I'm gonna just give you one image,

01:05:00 --> 01:05:03

one image please that will summarize a lot

01:05:03 --> 01:05:04

of what Shaykh Salman was mentioning.

01:05:04 --> 01:05:06

So, we all in this community alhamdulillah, we

01:05:06 --> 01:05:08

try to make Eid al-Adha and Eid

01:05:08 --> 01:05:11

al-Fitr very special, with the intention that

01:05:11 --> 01:05:14

our kids will not be impressed by, you

01:05:14 --> 01:05:17

know, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, because hey, if there

01:05:17 --> 01:05:19

is a strong alternative, why in the world

01:05:19 --> 01:05:21

do they have to look for other non

01:05:21 --> 01:05:21

-Muslim occasions?

01:05:22 --> 01:05:24

And that alhamdulillah has been practiced.

01:05:24 --> 01:05:25

I've seen in my kids, many of their

01:05:25 --> 01:05:27

peers, they look forward, they love Eid al

01:05:27 --> 01:05:29

-Adha, they love Eid al-Fitr, because we

01:05:29 --> 01:05:30

make a big deal, we invest a lot

01:05:30 --> 01:05:32

of money, we put our money where our

01:05:32 --> 01:05:32

mouth is.

01:05:33 --> 01:05:35

So, let's hold on to this thought for

01:05:35 --> 01:05:38

a second, and let's remember another imagery.

01:05:39 --> 01:05:42

All the slogans of the rainbow flag and

01:05:42 --> 01:05:45

LGBTQ and all of these that are destroying

01:05:45 --> 01:05:48

the unit of the family that our deen

01:05:48 --> 01:05:53

endorses and calls for, all of these flags

01:05:53 --> 01:05:55

and ideologies will do nothing if the family

01:05:55 --> 01:05:59

is strong, if there's true love, if there's

01:05:59 --> 01:06:00

true understanding of the roles of the father

01:06:00 --> 01:06:03

and the mother, if there's true definition of

01:06:03 --> 01:06:08

the genders, the male knows their responsibility, the

01:06:08 --> 01:06:10

man knows his responsibility, the woman knows her

01:06:10 --> 01:06:11

responsibility.

01:06:11 --> 01:06:14

If we demonstrate, I'm not saying being a

01:06:14 --> 01:06:16

perfect family, let's be honest, no family will

01:06:16 --> 01:06:17

be perfect, no family will follow the book

01:06:17 --> 01:06:19

as it can be followed.

01:06:19 --> 01:06:24

However, the best protection for our kids' iman

01:06:24 --> 01:06:28

and ideology and lifestyle is to show them

01:06:28 --> 01:06:30

that, hey, there's no need for us to

01:06:30 --> 01:06:33

adopt this, whereas, let's look at weak families,

01:06:33 --> 01:06:36

families where there's a confusion in the role

01:06:36 --> 01:06:37

between the husband and the wife.

01:06:37 --> 01:06:40

There's a confusion, you know, the man is

01:06:40 --> 01:06:41

not assuming their role or the woman is

01:06:41 --> 01:06:42

not assuming her role.

01:06:43 --> 01:06:46

Then expect rainbow flags to invade our homes

01:06:46 --> 01:06:49

as Christmas trees are invading our homes because

01:06:49 --> 01:06:50

we didn't do our part.

01:06:50 --> 01:06:53

Because the best tahseen, the best protection, is

01:06:53 --> 01:06:54

really, is not by the ideology.

01:06:55 --> 01:06:57

People don't follow a lifestyle because, oh, it

01:06:57 --> 01:06:58

sounds shiny or convincing.

01:06:59 --> 01:07:00

It's really, it's deeper than that.

01:07:01 --> 01:07:03

So let's make the intention that inshallah ta

01:07:03 --> 01:07:05

'ala we're protecting the faith of our kids

01:07:06 --> 01:07:08

by really investing.

01:07:08 --> 01:07:12

And again, we're not talking about overnight fixing

01:07:12 --> 01:07:12

all the problems.

01:07:12 --> 01:07:14

Sometimes it takes the 1%.

01:07:14 --> 01:07:16

It takes one small thing.

01:07:16 --> 01:07:18

One small thing from, Sheikh Suleiman gave us

01:07:18 --> 01:07:18

a toolbox.

01:07:19 --> 01:07:20

Let's take one tool and start applying inshallah

01:07:20 --> 01:07:22

ta'ala with the intention that we are

01:07:22 --> 01:07:25

protecting the aqeedah and the iman and the

01:07:25 --> 01:07:26

faith of our kids.

01:07:26 --> 01:07:28

Jazakumullah khair wa barakallahu feekum.

01:07:29 --> 01:07:32

Imagine the meeting on the day of judgment

01:07:32 --> 01:07:33

as Dr. Muhammad mentioned earlier.

01:07:33 --> 01:07:35

Imagine that meeting on the day of judgment.

01:07:35 --> 01:07:36

Now there's no more parenting.

01:07:36 --> 01:07:38

Now there are no more problems, no more

01:07:38 --> 01:07:40

trials, no more exhaustion, no more hard work.

01:07:41 --> 01:07:42

And the parents are the same age as

01:07:42 --> 01:07:44

their children and their children and their children

01:07:44 --> 01:07:44

and their children.

01:07:45 --> 01:07:46

One of the things that made the sahaba

01:07:46 --> 01:07:48

the happiest, amongst other things, was that verse

01:07:48 --> 01:07:49

in Surah Al-Qur.

01:07:49 --> 01:07:52

وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَاتَّبَعْتُونَ ذُرِّيَّتُهُمْ بِإِيمَانٍ أَلْحَقْنَا بِين

01:07:52 --> 01:07:55

ذُرِّيَّتًا Can you imagine how many brothers and

01:07:55 --> 01:07:57

sisters, not just here, and our own families,

01:07:57 --> 01:07:58

our ancestors and their ancestors.

01:07:59 --> 01:08:00

How many people in Gaza?

01:08:00 --> 01:08:02

How many children by the way who are

01:08:02 --> 01:08:02

abandoned now?

01:08:03 --> 01:08:04

How many children have been orphaned now?

01:08:05 --> 01:08:07

Imagine their reunion with their families.

01:08:07 --> 01:08:09

Imagine their reunion in the afterlife.

01:08:09 --> 01:08:11

Imagine their reunion when the soul leaves the

01:08:11 --> 01:08:13

body and the angels come down and they

01:08:13 --> 01:08:13

welcome them.

01:08:13 --> 01:08:15

But the believing souls meet them as well.

01:08:16 --> 01:08:17

And they say, what happened to so and

01:08:17 --> 01:08:17

so?

01:08:17 --> 01:08:20

But the updates are much faster in Gaza.

01:08:20 --> 01:08:22

The updates are much faster because of the

01:08:22 --> 01:08:23

loss.

01:08:23 --> 01:08:24

May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala alleviate their

01:08:24 --> 01:08:26

affairs and bring down His swift justice and

01:08:26 --> 01:08:28

His mercy to our brothers and sisters in

01:08:28 --> 01:08:31

every land and every place around the world.

01:08:31 --> 01:08:31

Allahumma ameen.

01:08:32 --> 01:08:33

May Allah guide us and guide others through

01:08:33 --> 01:08:35

us and protect our families and make us

01:08:35 --> 01:08:37

a means of goodness by no means.

01:08:37 --> 01:08:38

It's what I shared today or in the

01:08:38 --> 01:08:39

last few weeks.

01:08:39 --> 01:08:39

Exhausted.

01:08:40 --> 01:08:42

There's so much more information obviously.

01:08:42 --> 01:08:44

There's so many thoughts that many of you

01:08:44 --> 01:08:45

have that could be shared maybe in the

01:08:45 --> 01:08:46

following sessions.

01:08:46 --> 01:08:48

InshaAllah Ta'ala we could have a breakout

01:08:48 --> 01:08:50

groups and discuss some of these things.

01:08:50 --> 01:08:52

There are a lot of other angles to

01:08:52 --> 01:08:52

this.

01:08:52 --> 01:08:54

But these are just some summaries of many

01:08:54 --> 01:08:54

different things.

01:08:54 --> 01:08:57

And I emphasize this cannot happen, this last

01:08:57 --> 01:09:01

aspect of Tarbiyah cannot happen if women don't

01:09:01 --> 01:09:02

have access to education in Islam.

01:09:03 --> 01:09:05

This can't happen if women are not learning

01:09:05 --> 01:09:05

Islam.

01:09:05 --> 01:09:07

We live in a place of Hamda where

01:09:07 --> 01:09:08

that's not even a question.

01:09:08 --> 01:09:10

In fact, I'll tell you from an organizational

01:09:10 --> 01:09:14

perspective at Al-Maghrib, we have Mista'ah,

01:09:14 --> 01:09:16

we have many organizations around this country doing

01:09:16 --> 01:09:16

good work.

01:09:17 --> 01:09:19

The majority of attendees in Islamic studies programs

01:09:19 --> 01:09:21

and classes are almost always women.

01:09:21 --> 01:09:23

And this is a good sign of the

01:09:23 --> 01:09:24

revival of the Ummah from that angle.

01:09:24 --> 01:09:27

Because who is going to raise that generation?

01:09:28 --> 01:09:29

Who is going to raise the Ummah in

01:09:29 --> 01:09:32

terms of the everyday experiences and sacrifices more

01:09:32 --> 01:09:33

so than usually the mother?

01:09:33 --> 01:09:35

Who is going to be present with Islamic

01:09:35 --> 01:09:36

values more so than the mother?

01:09:36 --> 01:09:38

So having access to Islamic education is a

01:09:38 --> 01:09:40

big part of the revival of the Ummah.

01:09:41 --> 01:09:43

And it is also Alhamdulillah a blessing that

01:09:43 --> 01:09:47

when that freedom and privilege and accessibility is

01:09:47 --> 01:09:49

there, that women are taking advantage of it.

01:09:49 --> 01:09:50

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala accept from

01:09:50 --> 01:09:52

our mothers and our sisters and our daughters

01:09:52 --> 01:09:53

and our community members.

01:09:53 --> 01:09:54

And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide

01:09:54 --> 01:09:56

us and guide others through us.

01:09:59 --> 01:10:01

Two quick announcements insha'Allah ta'ala.

01:10:01 --> 01:10:03

The first, Dr. Mohamed Al-Hakim wants to

01:10:03 --> 01:10:05

share a quick announcement insha'Allah ta'ala

01:10:05 --> 01:10:06

because this is I think one of the

01:10:06 --> 01:10:07

last few weeks that he is here for

01:10:07 --> 01:10:08

this temporary visit.

01:10:08 --> 01:10:11

I'm just selling, I have my book here.

01:10:11 --> 01:10:12

It's called Hadiths.

01:10:13 --> 01:10:14

Debuted and verified by Imam Suleiman.

01:10:15 --> 01:10:18

He also graduated with a beautiful introduction which

01:10:18 --> 01:10:19

masha'Allah ta'ala.

01:10:19 --> 01:10:21

And so yeah, the author of this book

01:10:22 --> 01:10:23

is the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam.

01:10:23 --> 01:10:25

That's for the Hadith but it's applied to

01:10:25 --> 01:10:28

the community service and activism which I think

01:10:28 --> 01:10:29

will be the topic or the theme of

01:10:29 --> 01:10:31

the future talk.

01:10:31 --> 01:10:32

So that's something that we'll prep you guys

01:10:32 --> 01:10:33

for next time.

01:10:33 --> 01:10:34

So I have copies here.

01:10:34 --> 01:10:35

It's $15 for a copy.

01:10:36 --> 01:10:37

And Sheikh Suleiman is doing an announcement for

01:10:37 --> 01:10:40

his upcoming book which you can get a

01:10:40 --> 01:10:41

preview on Quran Reflect.

01:10:42 --> 01:10:44

But that was the seed, right?

01:10:44 --> 01:10:44

Yes.

01:10:44 --> 01:10:44

Okay.

01:10:45 --> 01:10:46

Jazakumullahu khairan.

01:10:46 --> 01:10:47

I was not planning to do this but

01:10:47 --> 01:10:49

I had a copy in my car.

01:10:49 --> 01:10:49

I'm not selling the book.

01:10:50 --> 01:10:51

So if you're buying anything tonight, I want

01:10:51 --> 01:10:52

you to buy Dr. Muhammad's book in the

01:10:52 --> 01:10:53

back inshaAllah ta'ala.

01:10:54 --> 01:10:56

Alhamdulillah, you're the first people that I'm announcing

01:10:56 --> 01:10:56

this to.

01:10:56 --> 01:10:58

I was working with a team of students

01:10:58 --> 01:11:00

for the last few months on a new

01:11:00 --> 01:11:01

publication.

01:11:01 --> 01:11:02

One of many inshaAllah ta'ala to come.

01:11:03 --> 01:11:07

It's the entirety of the Tadabbur and Tafseer

01:11:07 --> 01:11:08

of Surah Al-Hadid.

01:11:08 --> 01:11:10

And it goes through each ayah ayah by

01:11:10 --> 01:11:12

ayah with discussion questions.

01:11:12 --> 01:11:13

The objective is not to read Tafseer.

01:11:14 --> 01:11:17

The objective is not analytical or linguistic Tafseer.

01:11:17 --> 01:11:19

The objective is to master the Surah to

01:11:19 --> 01:11:20

internalize the Quran.

01:11:21 --> 01:11:22

And so with Surah Al-Hadid, a lot

01:11:22 --> 01:11:23

of people ask me why some of my

01:11:23 --> 01:11:25

own teachers said, you know, I taught a

01:11:25 --> 01:11:26

lot of Surah in terms of Tafseer, why

01:11:26 --> 01:11:27

this one?

01:11:27 --> 01:11:29

There are others coming inshaAllah but Surah Al

01:11:29 --> 01:11:31

-Hadid is so comprehensive.

01:11:31 --> 01:11:32

It's so powerful and captivating.

01:11:33 --> 01:11:35

It has Meccan elements and Medinan elements.

01:11:35 --> 01:11:37

The first ayah to come down of the

01:11:37 --> 01:11:39

Surah was actually a central ayah in terms

01:11:39 --> 01:11:40

of the order.

01:11:40 --> 01:11:43

أَلَمْ يَأْنِلِ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا أَن تَخْشَعَ قُلُوبُهُمْ لِذِكْرِ

01:11:43 --> 01:11:46

اللَّهِ وَمَنَزَمٍ حَقُّ Have those who believe, is

01:11:46 --> 01:11:48

it not time for them basically to become

01:11:48 --> 01:11:49

humbly submissive?

01:11:49 --> 01:11:52

So Alhamdulillah, we worked really hard on this

01:11:52 --> 01:11:52

book.

01:11:52 --> 01:11:54

It just got approved yesterday.

01:11:54 --> 01:11:55

So it's on Amazon as of like this

01:11:55 --> 01:11:56

morning.

01:11:56 --> 01:11:58

I did not announce anywhere at all.

01:11:58 --> 01:12:00

So nobody knows it's there except you guys

01:12:00 --> 01:12:00

now.

01:12:00 --> 01:12:01

Nobody knows it's there.

01:12:02 --> 01:12:03

And if you want inshaAllah to support this

01:12:03 --> 01:12:06

work, it's 100% volunteer based and all

01:12:06 --> 01:12:08

the profits go back into publishing more of

01:12:08 --> 01:12:09

these books inshaAllah ta'ala.

01:12:09 --> 01:12:12

We actually had an organization called Quran Reflect.

01:12:12 --> 01:12:14

They have, for those familiar, they have the

01:12:14 --> 01:12:18

entire Quran Reflections, Tadabbur from different scholars and

01:12:18 --> 01:12:20

teachers that are very fine and sometimes students

01:12:20 --> 01:12:20

of knowledge.

01:12:21 --> 01:12:23

So initially this was a project, a class

01:12:23 --> 01:12:24

that was taught in Ramadan.

01:12:24 --> 01:12:27

Every ayah has basically 5 to 10 questions

01:12:27 --> 01:12:29

you can discuss with your children, your family,

01:12:29 --> 01:12:30

or for yourself.

01:12:30 --> 01:12:31

At the end of the book, you will

01:12:31 --> 01:12:34

find a mastery tracker, how to track your

01:12:34 --> 01:12:37

mastery of the surah, memorizing, tadabbur, teaching others,

01:12:37 --> 01:12:41

internalizing, as well as appendices on the virtues

01:12:41 --> 01:12:41

of tasbih.

01:12:42 --> 01:12:43

This surah is one of the musabihat.

01:12:44 --> 01:12:45

So that chapter for you is one of

01:12:45 --> 01:12:46

my favorites.

01:12:46 --> 01:12:48

You get so much closer to doing tasbih

01:12:48 --> 01:12:51

and internalizing it and finding the change in

01:12:51 --> 01:12:52

your life through it.

01:12:52 --> 01:12:53

So you are the first to know inshaAllah

01:12:53 --> 01:12:53

ta'ala.

01:12:53 --> 01:12:54

It is on Amazon.

01:12:54 --> 01:12:56

I will be, or my team inshaAllah ta

01:12:56 --> 01:12:57

'ala, will be helping make social media announcements

01:12:57 --> 01:12:58

in the coming weeks.

01:12:59 --> 01:13:00

If you want to support more of these

01:13:00 --> 01:13:01

projects, inshaAllah ta'ala you can get a

01:13:01 --> 01:13:02

copy on Amazon.

01:13:02 --> 01:13:04

But on your way out, you can get

01:13:04 --> 01:13:05

Dr. Muhammad's book as well.

01:13:05 --> 01:13:07

The book is called The Iron Healing.

01:13:07 --> 01:13:08

If you look up Tafsir Surah Al-Hadith.

01:13:09 --> 01:13:09

You already found it?

01:13:10 --> 01:13:10

That was fast.

01:13:11 --> 01:13:11

MashaAllah.

01:13:11 --> 01:13:12

Prime shipping.

01:13:12 --> 01:13:12

MashaAllah.

01:13:13 --> 01:13:13

Alright.

01:13:13 --> 01:13:14

Jazakum Allah khayran to all of you.

01:13:14 --> 01:13:15

BarakAllahu feekum.

01:13:15 --> 01:13:16

We will see you for the next chapter

01:13:16 --> 01:13:18

of this program, the third level, the societal

01:13:18 --> 01:13:20

change that is required.

01:13:20 --> 01:13:20

Jazakum Allah khayran.

01:13:20 --> 01:13:21

Thank you for your patience today.

01:13:22 --> 01:13:23

It's a little over, but it was a

01:13:23 --> 01:13:24

blessed gathering.

01:13:24 --> 01:13:24

Jazakum Allah khayran.

01:13:24 --> 01:13:25

Dr. Muhammad Hakim.

01:13:26 --> 01:13:27

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

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