Suleiman Hani – 5 Ways to Cope with Loss

Suleiman Hani
AI: Summary ©
The importance of acceptance of loss and embracing the reality of life is emphasized in coping with the loss of loved ones. The Prophet compels people to find a way to express their emotions and find a way to avoid loss. The importance of practicing small ways in daily life to avoid "brinks" and avoid "brinks" in one's life is also emphasized. The speaker emphasizes the need for practice and understanding of one's situation to avoid negative consequences. coping mechanisms include feelings of jealousy, honoring friends, and returning to a legacy.
AI: Transcript ©
00:00:00 --> 00:00:01

If a non-Muslim were to ask you

00:00:01 --> 00:00:03

today, what are some of the most amazing

00:00:03 --> 00:00:06

coping mechanisms you learn as a Muslim when

00:00:06 --> 00:00:08

it comes to loss, when it comes to

00:00:08 --> 00:00:10

hardships, when it comes to pain?

00:00:10 --> 00:00:11

How would you respond?

00:00:12 --> 00:00:15

When our children ask or watch their parents,

00:00:15 --> 00:00:16

how do you deal with hardships?

00:00:17 --> 00:00:19

How does my father, my mother, how do

00:00:19 --> 00:00:21

they react when there is a difficulty in

00:00:21 --> 00:00:24

any way, loss of a worldly thing, the

00:00:24 --> 00:00:26

loss of health or wealth, and the loss

00:00:26 --> 00:00:27

of loved ones as well?

00:00:27 --> 00:00:30

May Allah ﷻ put barakah in our families,

00:00:30 --> 00:00:32

in our health, in our wealth, and protect

00:00:32 --> 00:00:32

us.

00:00:33 --> 00:00:33

Allahumma ameen.

00:00:34 --> 00:00:36

The first thing we establish without any doubt

00:00:36 --> 00:00:39

whatsoever is the purpose of why we are

00:00:39 --> 00:00:39

here.

00:00:39 --> 00:00:42

And to teach our children, but also to

00:00:42 --> 00:00:45

reinforce as adults that Allah ﷻ reminds us

00:00:45 --> 00:00:48

frequently in the Qur'an, He created us

00:00:48 --> 00:00:50

for two worlds, one that is temporary, one

00:00:50 --> 00:00:51

that is permanent.

00:00:51 --> 00:00:53

This is the temporary life.

00:00:54 --> 00:00:56

And because this life is temporary, nothing in

00:00:56 --> 00:00:57

it has permanence.

00:00:58 --> 00:00:59

And that's why we always turn back to

00:00:59 --> 00:01:01

al-hayyu al-qayyum, the ever-living.

00:01:01 --> 00:01:04

Allah ﷻ, who is always present, the everlasting.

00:01:05 --> 00:01:07

Whereas we recognize the loss of our own

00:01:07 --> 00:01:11

lives, mortality, salience, and the loss of worldly

00:01:11 --> 00:01:12

things, that nothing you have in this world

00:01:12 --> 00:01:17

is guaranteed, although we should be optimistic about

00:01:17 --> 00:01:18

the blessings that we have.

00:01:18 --> 00:01:21

Although we should ask Allah ﷻ for aafiyah,

00:01:21 --> 00:01:22

for well-being in all of the things

00:01:22 --> 00:01:23

that we have.

00:01:23 --> 00:01:26

Allah ﷻ gives us the fact of life

00:01:26 --> 00:01:28

first and throughout the Qur'an so that

00:01:28 --> 00:01:31

we don't start with the wrong premises.

00:01:31 --> 00:01:35

When someone has an expectation that everything they

00:01:35 --> 00:01:39

own is theirs forever, permanently, it starts to

00:01:39 --> 00:01:42

lead to greater pain and loss when there

00:01:42 --> 00:01:43

is some kind of change.

00:01:44 --> 00:01:46

The pain is amplified as many psychologists say,

00:01:46 --> 00:01:48

when someone expects that what they have is

00:01:48 --> 00:01:49

always theirs.

00:01:49 --> 00:01:52

Whereas the believers recognize everything is temporary.

00:01:53 --> 00:01:55

And Allah ﷻ when He tells us this,

00:01:55 --> 00:01:57

it's not to scare us, but to prepare

00:01:57 --> 00:01:58

us.

00:01:58 --> 00:02:00

It's not to frighten us from what we

00:02:00 --> 00:02:02

have or to lose sight of what matters,

00:02:02 --> 00:02:04

but actually to cherish more the blessings you

00:02:04 --> 00:02:05

have while you have them.

00:02:05 --> 00:02:08

To cherish more your health, to cherish more

00:02:08 --> 00:02:11

your time, to cherish more any wealth, anything

00:02:11 --> 00:02:14

material you have of this world, and especially

00:02:14 --> 00:02:15

to cherish your loved ones.

00:02:16 --> 00:02:19

The Prophet ﷺ was given a timeless advice

00:02:19 --> 00:02:23

from the angel Jibreel ﷺ, وَأَحْبِبْ مَنْ شِئْتَ

00:02:23 --> 00:02:26

فَإِنَّكَ مُفَارِقُهُ Love whomever you wish, for you

00:02:26 --> 00:02:27

will part from them.

00:02:27 --> 00:02:30

Love them, you will part eventually, but cherish

00:02:30 --> 00:02:31

them while you have them.

00:02:31 --> 00:02:33

And the best of people are those who

00:02:33 --> 00:02:35

are best to their families as the Prophet

00:02:35 --> 00:02:37

ﷺ teaches us.

00:02:38 --> 00:02:42

What do psychologists, Muslim psychologists extract from the

00:02:42 --> 00:02:43

sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ?

00:02:44 --> 00:02:46

As timeless pieces of advice for every human

00:02:46 --> 00:02:49

being, for every believer, especially to cope with

00:02:49 --> 00:02:52

any kind of loss, especially the loss of

00:02:52 --> 00:02:52

loved ones.

00:02:52 --> 00:02:55

First and foremost, to accept the reality of

00:02:55 --> 00:02:56

loss.

00:02:56 --> 00:02:59

The second is to process the pain of

00:02:59 --> 00:02:59

grief.

00:03:00 --> 00:03:02

The third is to adjust to a life

00:03:02 --> 00:03:03

without the thing or the person that you

00:03:03 --> 00:03:04

love.

00:03:04 --> 00:03:06

And number four is to find an enduring

00:03:06 --> 00:03:09

connection, consistency long after that loss.

00:03:09 --> 00:03:13

So first and foremost, the Prophet ﷺ, almost

00:03:13 --> 00:03:15

at the age of 60 years old, was

00:03:15 --> 00:03:18

finally granted a son, Ibrahim.

00:03:19 --> 00:03:22

And imagine his happiness when he went to

00:03:22 --> 00:03:25

boast or like pridefully share that he was

00:03:25 --> 00:03:26

gifted a son.

00:03:26 --> 00:03:27

And he said, I gave him the name

00:03:27 --> 00:03:31

of my father Ibrahim, meaning alayhi salam, the

00:03:31 --> 00:03:32

Prophet Abraham.

00:03:32 --> 00:03:34

So the Prophet ﷺ is so happy.

00:03:34 --> 00:03:38

Imagine he's carrying this toddler, Ibrahim, who lived

00:03:38 --> 00:03:41

to the age of 16 months according to

00:03:41 --> 00:03:42

some of the reports of the seerah.

00:03:42 --> 00:03:45

16 months meaning, he reached the age in

00:03:45 --> 00:03:48

which that toddler is now learning, emulating, copying,

00:03:48 --> 00:03:50

an age that we might find adorable.

00:03:51 --> 00:03:51

It's very cute.

00:03:51 --> 00:03:53

They're learning things and saying things and they're

00:03:53 --> 00:03:55

funny and on and on and on.

00:03:56 --> 00:03:59

So the Prophet ﷺ is gifted the life

00:03:59 --> 00:04:00

of Ibrahim.

00:04:00 --> 00:04:02

But at the age of 16 months in

00:04:02 --> 00:04:06

one report 18 months, Ibrahim returned back to

00:04:06 --> 00:04:06

Allah.

00:04:07 --> 00:04:09

So how did the Prophet ﷺ deal with

00:04:09 --> 00:04:09

this?

00:04:10 --> 00:04:11

It was reported by one of the companions,

00:04:11 --> 00:04:14

the Prophet ﷺ entered the house on that

00:04:14 --> 00:04:15

day, the house of Maria.

00:04:16 --> 00:04:20

فأخذ رسول الله ﷺ إبراهيم فقبله وشمه ثم

00:04:20 --> 00:04:23

دخلنا عليه بعد ذلك وإبراهيم يجود بنفسه The

00:04:23 --> 00:04:27

Prophet ﷺ entered the house and he took

00:04:27 --> 00:04:29

hold of baby Ibrahim, the toddler.

00:04:29 --> 00:04:32

And the Prophet ﷺ maybe kissed him on

00:04:32 --> 00:04:34

the forehead and he even smelled his child,

00:04:34 --> 00:04:37

this toddler that was taking his last breaths.

00:04:37 --> 00:04:39

The sahabi reporting, they said Ibrahim was taking

00:04:39 --> 00:04:41

his final breaths.

00:04:41 --> 00:04:46

He said, فجعلت عين رسول الله ﷺ تذريفان

00:04:46 --> 00:04:48

And that caused the eyes of the Prophet

00:04:48 --> 00:04:51

ﷺ to start to shed tears.

00:04:51 --> 00:04:54

فقال له عبد الرحمن بن عوف رضي الله

00:04:54 --> 00:04:57

عنه وأنت يا رسول الله عبد الرحمن بن

00:04:57 --> 00:04:58

عوف, one of the greatest companions.

00:04:59 --> 00:05:01

He said, even you, O Messenger of Allah,

00:05:01 --> 00:05:01

what does this mean?

00:05:03 --> 00:05:05

The Prophet ﷺ faced so many losses.

00:05:06 --> 00:05:08

Like we know his life from childhood.

00:05:08 --> 00:05:10

He didn't meet his father who died before

00:05:10 --> 00:05:11

he was born.

00:05:11 --> 00:05:14

His mother died when the Prophet ﷺ was

00:05:14 --> 00:05:15

just six years old.

00:05:15 --> 00:05:17

He was supported by his grandfather who eventually

00:05:17 --> 00:05:17

died.

00:05:18 --> 00:05:20

And then given support after he married Khadija

00:05:20 --> 00:05:22

and also the support of his uncle.

00:05:22 --> 00:05:24

And they both died in the same year.

00:05:24 --> 00:05:27

The Prophet ﷺ, three of his four daughters

00:05:27 --> 00:05:30

died before him and he buried them, عليه

00:05:30 --> 00:05:30

الصلاة والسلام.

00:05:31 --> 00:05:33

And Fatima رضي الله عنها, the last one,

00:05:33 --> 00:05:35

she died six months after the passing of

00:05:35 --> 00:05:36

Rasulullah ﷺ.

00:05:37 --> 00:05:39

His uncle Hamza, his loved ones, his companions,

00:05:39 --> 00:05:42

his friends, he was constantly dealing with loss.

00:05:42 --> 00:05:45

But to see him cry for the loss

00:05:45 --> 00:05:46

of a loved one is not the most

00:05:46 --> 00:05:47

common thing.

00:05:48 --> 00:05:49

And it doesn't mean that it's problematic.

00:05:50 --> 00:05:50

Why?

00:05:50 --> 00:05:52

But the sahaba when they saw this, they're

00:05:52 --> 00:05:52

learning.

00:05:52 --> 00:05:53

So they're asking.

00:05:54 --> 00:05:56

So Abdurrahman says, even you, O Messenger of

00:05:56 --> 00:05:57

Allah, like even you cry when there's loss

00:05:57 --> 00:05:58

of a loved one.

00:05:59 --> 00:06:02

And the Prophet ﷺ, he said, يَبْنَ عَوْفٍ

00:06:02 --> 00:06:05

إِنَّهَا رَحْمَةٌ ثُمَّ أَتْبَعَهَا بِأُخْرَةٌ He said, this

00:06:05 --> 00:06:07

is mercy, O Ibn Awf.

00:06:07 --> 00:06:09

And then he started to cry some more.

00:06:10 --> 00:06:11

And then he said the famous words that

00:06:11 --> 00:06:12

many people quote.

00:06:13 --> 00:06:16

فَقَالَ صَلَى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمْ He said, إِنَّ

00:06:16 --> 00:06:19

الْعَيْنَ تَدْمَعْ وَالْقَلْبَ يَحْزَنْ وَلَا نَا قُولُ إِلَّا

00:06:19 --> 00:06:23

مَا يَرْضَى رَبُّنَا He said, Verily, the eyes

00:06:23 --> 00:06:26

shed tears and the heart is grieved.

00:06:26 --> 00:06:29

But we will not say anything except what

00:06:29 --> 00:06:31

is pleasing to our Lord.

00:06:31 --> 00:06:33

In one riwayah of Al-Bukhari, he said,

00:06:33 --> 00:06:36

وَإِنَّا بِفِرَاقِخَ يَا إِبْرَاهِيمْ لَمَحْزُنُونَ We are at

00:06:36 --> 00:06:39

your departure, O Ibrahim, the toddler.

00:06:39 --> 00:06:40

We are saddened at that.

00:06:41 --> 00:06:43

In one report, he said, if it were

00:06:43 --> 00:06:45

not for the fact that Allah would gather

00:06:45 --> 00:06:47

the earlier people with the later people, meaning

00:06:47 --> 00:06:49

those who died first and those who died

00:06:49 --> 00:06:49

later.

00:06:49 --> 00:06:51

If we did not know that the qadr

00:06:51 --> 00:06:53

of Allah would cause us to be gathered

00:06:53 --> 00:06:56

somewhere else, we would be even more saddened

00:06:56 --> 00:06:57

at your departure, O Ibrahim.

00:06:58 --> 00:06:59

So what did we learn from this?

00:07:00 --> 00:07:03

The Prophet ﷺ, he teaches us first and

00:07:03 --> 00:07:07

foremost, expressing human emotion by default is not

00:07:07 --> 00:07:09

problematic in and of itself.

00:07:09 --> 00:07:12

It's not halal or haram to express emotion

00:07:12 --> 00:07:13

at the loss of a loved one.

00:07:14 --> 00:07:15

How you do so matters.

00:07:15 --> 00:07:17

So that's why he said, we only say

00:07:17 --> 00:07:19

what is pleasing to Allah.

00:07:19 --> 00:07:21

We only say what is pleasing to Allah.

00:07:22 --> 00:07:25

There's a lot of research that many Muslim

00:07:25 --> 00:07:27

psychologists and others have found that when people

00:07:27 --> 00:07:30

express emotion in a healthy way, in a

00:07:30 --> 00:07:33

time of losing something precious to them, they

00:07:33 --> 00:07:36

tend to be more resilient and cope better

00:07:36 --> 00:07:37

with the adjustments that they need.

00:07:38 --> 00:07:40

But in this hadith you have what another

00:07:40 --> 00:07:42

sub-lesson if you will, which is how

00:07:42 --> 00:07:45

to shift from denial to acceptance.

00:07:45 --> 00:07:46

Now, not from the Prophet ﷺ, he didn't

00:07:46 --> 00:07:47

deny anything.

00:07:48 --> 00:07:49

But the denial meaning the shock of the

00:07:49 --> 00:07:51

moment that many people deal with when they

00:07:51 --> 00:07:53

go through loss.

00:07:53 --> 00:07:56

Ar-rida, here the contentment, biqada illa with

00:07:56 --> 00:07:58

what Allah has decreed.

00:07:58 --> 00:07:59

That this was the time that was meant

00:07:59 --> 00:08:00

to be.

00:08:00 --> 00:08:02

I know, first and foremost, what did we

00:08:02 --> 00:08:02

say?

00:08:02 --> 00:08:04

That I'm not meant to be here forever.

00:08:04 --> 00:08:06

My loved ones are not meant to be

00:08:06 --> 00:08:06

here forever.

00:08:07 --> 00:08:08

There is a place in which people will

00:08:08 --> 00:08:10

reunite, but it is not here.

00:08:10 --> 00:08:12

And so eventually in some way, in some

00:08:12 --> 00:08:13

form, we have to depart.

00:08:13 --> 00:08:13

How?

00:08:13 --> 00:08:14

We don't know.

00:08:15 --> 00:08:16

And we ask Allah to make our ending

00:08:16 --> 00:08:17

a good ending in this world and to

00:08:17 --> 00:08:20

put barakah in our families and relationships while

00:08:20 --> 00:08:20

we have them.

00:08:21 --> 00:08:23

And to help repair and mend the relationships

00:08:23 --> 00:08:25

that are fractured in our families.

00:08:25 --> 00:08:25

Allahumma ameen.

00:08:26 --> 00:08:29

So acceptance of Allah's decree does not mean

00:08:29 --> 00:08:30

you can't be sad.

00:08:31 --> 00:08:32

And if somebody has ever told you that

00:08:32 --> 00:08:35

there's a misunderstanding of religion, a misunderstanding of

00:08:35 --> 00:08:37

the seal of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.

00:08:37 --> 00:08:40

We learn from this that it is a

00:08:40 --> 00:08:41

mercy from Allah that he sent us as

00:08:41 --> 00:08:44

humans, prophets and messengers who are human, not

00:08:44 --> 00:08:45

angels.

00:08:45 --> 00:08:47

Because angels are infallible.

00:08:47 --> 00:08:49

Humans, you will see their expression of emotion.

00:08:49 --> 00:08:51

You will see how they deal with different

00:08:51 --> 00:08:51

situations.

00:08:52 --> 00:08:54

How did they deal with the loss of

00:08:54 --> 00:08:54

loved ones?

00:08:54 --> 00:08:56

And that includes the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.

00:08:56 --> 00:08:59

And he did this despite knowing, yes, that

00:08:59 --> 00:09:00

we're going to die.

00:09:01 --> 00:09:04

Despite him telling us sallallahu alayhi wasallam, what

00:09:04 --> 00:09:06

Jibreel conveyed, وَأَحْبِبْ مَنْ شِتْ Love whomever you

00:09:06 --> 00:09:06

will.

00:09:07 --> 00:09:09

فَإِنَّكَ مُفَارِقُ You will part from them.

00:09:10 --> 00:09:12

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam is also the

00:09:12 --> 00:09:14

one who told the sahaba, المرءُ مَعَ مَنْ

00:09:14 --> 00:09:16

أَحَبْ You will be with the person that

00:09:16 --> 00:09:16

you love.

00:09:17 --> 00:09:18

So if you're saddened at the thought of

00:09:18 --> 00:09:20

having to part from them, there's a gathering

00:09:20 --> 00:09:21

place.

00:09:21 --> 00:09:22

So work for that place.

00:09:23 --> 00:09:24

The second thing that we look at and

00:09:24 --> 00:09:26

we find in the Qur'an and the

00:09:26 --> 00:09:28

Sunnah as far as coping mechanisms is the

00:09:28 --> 00:09:31

famous story of the dua of Ya'qub

00:09:31 --> 00:09:33

a.s. Prophet Jacob, peace be upon him.

00:09:33 --> 00:09:35

The loss of his son Yusuf.

00:09:35 --> 00:09:37

He's looking for him, he's lost, he's gone

00:09:37 --> 00:09:39

for a long time, but he's crying, he's

00:09:39 --> 00:09:40

crying, he's crying.

00:09:40 --> 00:09:40

What does he do?

00:09:40 --> 00:09:42

We know the ayah that many people cite.

00:09:45 --> 00:09:52

قَالَ إِنَّمَا أَشْكُوا بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ He

00:09:52 --> 00:09:54

said, I complain of my sadness and my

00:09:54 --> 00:09:56

grief to Allah.

00:09:56 --> 00:10:00

And there's a distinction in Islam between complaining

00:10:00 --> 00:10:02

about your life to other people and complaining

00:10:02 --> 00:10:03

to Allah about your pain.

00:10:03 --> 00:10:05

There's a distinction, why?

00:10:05 --> 00:10:07

Because the first is the one who's complaining

00:10:07 --> 00:10:10

about their qadr, and sometimes seemingly with a

00:10:10 --> 00:10:12

lack of rida, may Allah protect us.

00:10:12 --> 00:10:14

And the second is the one who's turning

00:10:14 --> 00:10:16

to Allah and saying, O Allah, I'm weak,

00:10:16 --> 00:10:16

so help me.

00:10:17 --> 00:10:18

O Allah, I'm in pain, so heal me.

00:10:19 --> 00:10:21

O Allah, grant me the resources, the environments,

00:10:21 --> 00:10:23

the reminders that will strengthen me.

00:10:23 --> 00:10:25

O Allah, replace my loss with something better.

00:10:26 --> 00:10:29

So we learn from this example, one of

00:10:29 --> 00:10:33

the healthiest ways psychologically and spiritually to process

00:10:33 --> 00:10:35

grief is actually to turn to Allah and

00:10:35 --> 00:10:37

spill your heart out in terms of your

00:10:37 --> 00:10:37

du'a.

00:10:38 --> 00:10:39

And if you don't know where to start,

00:10:40 --> 00:10:40

O Allah, help me.

00:10:41 --> 00:10:42

O Allah, purify my heart.

00:10:42 --> 00:10:43

O Allah, heal me.

00:10:43 --> 00:10:44

O Allah, grant me strength.

00:10:45 --> 00:10:46

The third example we find in the Qur

00:10:46 --> 00:10:49

'an and Sunnah is the example of Umm

00:10:49 --> 00:10:51

Salama r.a. So the example here is

00:10:51 --> 00:10:53

how do you adjust at the moment of

00:10:53 --> 00:10:54

calamity?

00:10:54 --> 00:10:54

How do you adjust?

00:10:55 --> 00:10:55

What do you do?

00:10:55 --> 00:10:57

What's a specific example?

00:10:58 --> 00:11:00

Umm Salama r.a. She was married to

00:11:00 --> 00:11:02

Abu Salama for a long time.

00:11:03 --> 00:11:05

And so before he died, he actually told

00:11:05 --> 00:11:07

her when they had spoken of death and

00:11:07 --> 00:11:09

how the wife will be with the last

00:11:09 --> 00:11:10

of her husbands.

00:11:10 --> 00:11:12

And he said basically, No, I would rather

00:11:12 --> 00:11:14

you marry somebody better than me if I

00:11:14 --> 00:11:14

were to die before you.

00:11:15 --> 00:11:16

And she didn't want this at first.

00:11:16 --> 00:11:18

Anyways, she said something very interesting.

00:11:19 --> 00:11:21

One of the most famous narrations that the

00:11:21 --> 00:11:23

Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam said, ما من مسلم

00:11:23 --> 00:11:26

تصيبه مصيبة There is no Muslim who is

00:11:26 --> 00:11:29

touched by any kind of calamity.

00:11:29 --> 00:11:32

فيقول ما أمره الله And then they react

00:11:32 --> 00:11:35

by saying what Allah commanded them to say.

00:11:35 --> 00:11:39

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ We belong to

00:11:39 --> 00:11:41

Allah and to Him is our return.

00:11:42 --> 00:11:45

اللهم جُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَةِ وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا

00:11:45 --> 00:11:47

And so they follow this up with what?

00:11:47 --> 00:11:48

O Allah, reward me.

00:11:48 --> 00:11:52

Meaning reward me for my patience with my

00:11:52 --> 00:11:52

trial.

00:11:53 --> 00:11:56

Reward me for my patience with this difficulty,

00:11:56 --> 00:11:58

with my loss, the loss of your job,

00:11:59 --> 00:12:02

a loved one, material wealth, or health, or

00:12:02 --> 00:12:02

anything at all.

00:12:03 --> 00:12:04

And then you follow up with what?

00:12:04 --> 00:12:06

O Allah, reward me for it and replace

00:12:06 --> 00:12:08

it with something better.

00:12:08 --> 00:12:10

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam gave a guarantee.

00:12:11 --> 00:12:14

And he said, وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا إِلَّا

00:12:14 --> 00:12:16

أَخْلَفَ اللَّهُ لَهُ خَيْرًا مِنْهَا Accept that, Allah

00:12:16 --> 00:12:17

will accept that dua.

00:12:18 --> 00:12:19

And He will give that person something better.

00:12:19 --> 00:12:21

Now, she made this dua after her husband

00:12:21 --> 00:12:22

died.

00:12:22 --> 00:12:24

Who on earth is going to be for

00:12:24 --> 00:12:25

her better than her husband?

00:12:26 --> 00:12:28

And she thought to herself before her husband

00:12:28 --> 00:12:30

died, there's no one I would ever marry

00:12:30 --> 00:12:31

after his death.

00:12:31 --> 00:12:33

There's no one better than Abu Salama radiyallahu

00:12:33 --> 00:12:33

anhu.

00:12:34 --> 00:12:36

And long story short, she ended up marrying

00:12:36 --> 00:12:37

the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam.

00:12:38 --> 00:12:40

She's the one who reported this dua amongst

00:12:40 --> 00:12:41

other sahaba.

00:12:41 --> 00:12:44

When you go through hardship and you react

00:12:44 --> 00:12:47

with what Allah commanded, إِنَّا لِلَّهُ We belong

00:12:47 --> 00:12:48

to Allah, we don't belong to this world,

00:12:48 --> 00:12:50

we don't belong to each other, we don't

00:12:50 --> 00:12:52

belong to our worldly states, we don't belong

00:12:52 --> 00:12:53

to society.

00:12:53 --> 00:12:55

We belong to Allah, and to Allah is

00:12:55 --> 00:12:56

our return.

00:12:56 --> 00:12:58

O Allah, reward me for my patience, my

00:12:58 --> 00:13:01

loss, and replace it with something better.

00:13:01 --> 00:13:03

You can make this dua in any language

00:13:03 --> 00:13:03

you can express.

00:13:04 --> 00:13:06

And it's a guarantee that Allah will replace

00:13:06 --> 00:13:08

your situation with something better.

00:13:08 --> 00:13:10

Umm Salama radiyallahu anhu, she made this dua

00:13:10 --> 00:13:12

numerous times, not just once.

00:13:12 --> 00:13:13

But it's a guarantee.

00:13:13 --> 00:13:15

Now, here's a reminder for us that's very

00:13:15 --> 00:13:16

practical.

00:13:16 --> 00:13:19

If you don't practice this reaction with smaller

00:13:19 --> 00:13:21

things in everyday life, how are you going

00:13:21 --> 00:13:22

to do so with the larger or more

00:13:22 --> 00:13:23

difficult changes?

00:13:24 --> 00:13:24

May Allah protect us.

00:13:25 --> 00:13:27

If we don't react to the small things,

00:13:27 --> 00:13:30

like for example, a young person, he tells

00:13:30 --> 00:13:32

us, my parents are always saying, you know,

00:13:32 --> 00:13:34

when something bad happens, say, الحمد على كل

00:13:34 --> 00:13:34

حال.

00:13:34 --> 00:13:36

But every single time something bad happens to

00:13:36 --> 00:13:38

my dad or to my mom, they overreact.

00:13:38 --> 00:13:40

They start profanity left and right.

00:13:40 --> 00:13:41

Somebody just cut them off.

00:13:41 --> 00:13:42

Somebody said something mean.

00:13:42 --> 00:13:45

They just completely lose it.

00:13:45 --> 00:13:46

How am I supposed to learn from my

00:13:46 --> 00:13:50

parents that the reaction of إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا

00:13:50 --> 00:13:52

إِلَيْهِ رَجَعُونَ applies to everyone and to all

00:13:52 --> 00:13:52

situations?

00:13:52 --> 00:13:55

If you're not modeling that behavior, the children

00:13:55 --> 00:13:56

will see the opposite message.

00:13:56 --> 00:13:58

And this is a reality we recognize.

00:13:58 --> 00:13:59

And it starts at a young age and

00:13:59 --> 00:14:00

it's a reminder for all of us.

00:14:01 --> 00:14:03

Be cautious of your reactions for your akhirah

00:14:03 --> 00:14:05

and for the akhirah of your children as

00:14:05 --> 00:14:06

well.

00:14:06 --> 00:14:08

So you react with this and you say

00:14:08 --> 00:14:10

with the smaller things so that it leads

00:14:10 --> 00:14:12

up to the strength of the larger things.

00:14:12 --> 00:14:14

Oh Allah, reward me for my patience.

00:14:14 --> 00:14:17

Reward me for this loss and replace it

00:14:17 --> 00:14:18

with something that is better.

00:14:19 --> 00:14:21

There is a readjustment here in terms of

00:14:21 --> 00:14:21

one's life.

00:14:21 --> 00:14:22

Number four.

00:14:23 --> 00:14:26

One of the things that the scholars emphasize

00:14:26 --> 00:14:27

that helps as a coping mechanism.

00:14:28 --> 00:14:30

If it's the loss of a loved one,

00:14:31 --> 00:14:32

is to keep making dua for them.

00:14:32 --> 00:14:34

How does this help psychologically?

00:14:34 --> 00:14:36

There's two things that come to mind here.

00:14:36 --> 00:14:38

First, every time you make dua for a

00:14:38 --> 00:14:41

loved one that passed away, imagine as they

00:14:41 --> 00:14:42

are in the grave, their sins are being

00:14:42 --> 00:14:45

erased, their rank is increasing in goodness, and

00:14:45 --> 00:14:46

they ask, what is this for?

00:14:47 --> 00:14:48

This is the dua of so-and-so.

00:14:48 --> 00:14:50

This is the dua of your son or

00:14:50 --> 00:14:50

your daughter.

00:14:51 --> 00:14:53

Bir al-walidayn, in Islam we talk about

00:14:53 --> 00:14:53

it often.

00:14:54 --> 00:14:55

Honoring one's parents.

00:14:55 --> 00:14:57

Many times we start with the foundations.

00:14:58 --> 00:14:59

Honoring your parents while they are alive.

00:15:00 --> 00:15:02

For example, no matter what they say and

00:15:02 --> 00:15:03

do, even if they are wrong, the way

00:15:03 --> 00:15:05

we react to them is not based on

00:15:05 --> 00:15:06

their standard.

00:15:06 --> 00:15:07

If they messed up, Allah will hold them

00:15:07 --> 00:15:08

accountable.

00:15:08 --> 00:15:09

But we respond with what?

00:15:09 --> 00:15:11

With bir al-walidayn, with honor, with mercy.

00:15:11 --> 00:15:13

It doesn't mean we are talking about justifying

00:15:13 --> 00:15:14

abuse or anything like this.

00:15:15 --> 00:15:17

But we cannot justify harshness towards them.

00:15:17 --> 00:15:20

We cannot justify evil or abuse towards them.

00:15:20 --> 00:15:22

And so there's a difference between the two.

00:15:22 --> 00:15:25

There is a hierarchical difference if you will.

00:15:25 --> 00:15:27

But more importantly here, what happens when they

00:15:27 --> 00:15:27

die?

00:15:28 --> 00:15:30

Bir al-walidayn is that you keep making

00:15:30 --> 00:15:31

dua for them, and that keeps you connected

00:15:31 --> 00:15:32

to them.

00:15:32 --> 00:15:34

And number two, is that you honor the

00:15:34 --> 00:15:35

people that they loved.

00:15:36 --> 00:15:37

So if you know your father and your

00:15:37 --> 00:15:39

mother for example, may Allah have mercy on

00:15:39 --> 00:15:41

all of our loved ones who passed away

00:15:41 --> 00:15:43

before us, that they had a certain love

00:15:43 --> 00:15:45

or attachment to a friend, or one of

00:15:45 --> 00:15:47

their siblings is still alive, that you honor

00:15:47 --> 00:15:48

them.

00:15:48 --> 00:15:50

And that is part of bir al-walidayn

00:15:50 --> 00:15:52

after a parent passes away.

00:15:52 --> 00:15:54

You keep referencing them, making dua for them

00:15:54 --> 00:15:57

in a good way, motivating others, inspiring others

00:15:57 --> 00:15:59

through their legacy, and also being a source

00:15:59 --> 00:16:01

of khair, and also honoring the people that

00:16:01 --> 00:16:03

they honored and loved during their lifetimes.

00:16:03 --> 00:16:05

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam loved Khadija

00:16:05 --> 00:16:06

radu anha.

00:16:06 --> 00:16:07

She did so much for him.

00:16:07 --> 00:16:08

She sacrificed.

00:16:08 --> 00:16:09

She stood by him.

00:16:09 --> 00:16:11

At the first revelation when a lot of

00:16:11 --> 00:16:14

Quraysh turned against him, she helped him in

00:16:14 --> 00:16:16

a time that he said everyone was turning

00:16:16 --> 00:16:18

away, meaning society seemed like it was turning

00:16:18 --> 00:16:21

against him, persecuting him, and the few followers

00:16:21 --> 00:16:23

of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

00:16:24 --> 00:16:26

So later on in later years, after she

00:16:26 --> 00:16:28

passed away, it was reported from Aisha radu

00:16:28 --> 00:16:31

anha, she said, I never felt as much

00:16:31 --> 00:16:33

jealousy about any woman than I did towards

00:16:33 --> 00:16:33

Khadija.

00:16:33 --> 00:16:35

This is a positive jealousy, not negative.

00:16:35 --> 00:16:37

She said, she died three years before I

00:16:37 --> 00:16:39

married the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but

00:16:39 --> 00:16:41

I heard him mentioning her so often.

00:16:42 --> 00:16:45

And Allah commanded the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa

00:16:45 --> 00:16:48

sallam, to give Khadija the good news of

00:16:48 --> 00:16:50

a palace in Jannah.

00:16:50 --> 00:16:52

The salam from Jibril, from Allah subhanahu wa

00:16:52 --> 00:16:53

ta'ala to Khadija radu allahu anha.

00:16:54 --> 00:16:56

And she said the Prophet would sacrifice or

00:16:56 --> 00:16:58

slaughter the sheep and distribute its meat amongst

00:16:58 --> 00:16:59

her friends.

00:16:59 --> 00:17:02

To honor the friends of the one who

00:17:02 --> 00:17:04

passed away is one of the ways to

00:17:04 --> 00:17:06

honor them and to stay connected to their

00:17:06 --> 00:17:07

legacy as well.

00:17:07 --> 00:17:09

So this is one type of coping mechanism

00:17:09 --> 00:17:12

that many psychologists have found to be beneficial.

00:17:12 --> 00:17:14

And of course, as we said before, this

00:17:14 --> 00:17:16

especially applies to the one whose father or

00:17:16 --> 00:17:17

mother have passed away.

00:17:18 --> 00:17:18

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala have mercy

00:17:18 --> 00:17:20

on our loved ones who preceded us to

00:17:20 --> 00:17:21

Allah.

00:17:21 --> 00:17:23

And finally, the last point is number five.

00:17:24 --> 00:17:25

No matter what you lose of this world,

00:17:26 --> 00:17:28

people that you love or the things that

00:17:28 --> 00:17:30

you had in your life that Allah tested

00:17:30 --> 00:17:33

you with temporarily, do not lose yourself spiritually.

00:17:33 --> 00:17:36

Do not stop asking Allah for firmness.

00:17:37 --> 00:17:40

The foundation, the goal, with everything that we

00:17:40 --> 00:17:41

go through at the end of the day

00:17:41 --> 00:17:43

is to stay pleasing to Allah.

00:17:43 --> 00:17:45

What is most pleasing to Allah in my

00:17:45 --> 00:17:45

situation?

00:17:46 --> 00:17:47

And to ask, what can I do right

00:17:47 --> 00:17:48

now?

00:17:48 --> 00:17:50

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he is

00:17:50 --> 00:17:52

the messenger and he always prayed, يَا مُقَلِّبَ

00:17:52 --> 00:17:55

الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَىٰ دِينِكَ O Allah, the

00:17:55 --> 00:17:57

one who controls the hearts, keep my heart

00:17:57 --> 00:17:58

firm upon your religion.

00:17:59 --> 00:18:00

So may not be that you lost a

00:18:00 --> 00:18:02

loved one, it may be that you lost

00:18:02 --> 00:18:03

a relationship with a loved one.

00:18:04 --> 00:18:06

Estrangement has increased in society and around the

00:18:06 --> 00:18:08

world, the cutting off of a family member.

00:18:08 --> 00:18:10

And many people are experiencing this in different

00:18:10 --> 00:18:10

ways.

00:18:11 --> 00:18:13

So what does Ibrahim alayhi sallam do when

00:18:13 --> 00:18:15

his own father is the one making idols?

00:18:15 --> 00:18:17

And his own father is rejecting the message

00:18:17 --> 00:18:20

of a prophet, is rejecting the message of

00:18:20 --> 00:18:21

Ibrahim alayhi sallam.

00:18:21 --> 00:18:22

He makes dua for him.

00:18:23 --> 00:18:25

And as he's giving him dawah, does he

00:18:25 --> 00:18:27

do so harshly because he's a defender of

00:18:27 --> 00:18:27

the truth in Islam?

00:18:28 --> 00:18:30

يَا أَبَتِي O my father, O my dear

00:18:30 --> 00:18:33

father, يَا أَبَتِي There's politeness and humility towards

00:18:33 --> 00:18:36

the one who is manufacturing idols for shirk,

00:18:36 --> 00:18:37

for idol worship.

00:18:37 --> 00:18:39

And Ibrahim alayhi sallam makes dua for him.

00:18:39 --> 00:18:41

He copes in a way through that dua

00:18:41 --> 00:18:44

as well by finding benefit for his father

00:18:44 --> 00:18:45

and trying to do what he can in

00:18:45 --> 00:18:46

terms of dawah.

00:18:46 --> 00:18:48

And so one of the stages of grief,

00:18:48 --> 00:18:50

one of the final stages, psychologist says to

00:18:50 --> 00:18:50

find meaning.

00:18:51 --> 00:18:53

What does it mean when someone has chosen

00:18:53 --> 00:18:55

a different path than the path of truth?

00:18:55 --> 00:18:57

What does it mean when someone has rejected

00:18:57 --> 00:18:58

something good?

00:18:58 --> 00:19:00

What does it mean that you were not

00:19:00 --> 00:19:02

given the job that you wanted or you

00:19:02 --> 00:19:02

were let go?

00:19:02 --> 00:19:04

What does it mean when there's a loss

00:19:04 --> 00:19:05

of a loved one?

00:19:05 --> 00:19:08

Meaning and purpose always goes back to the

00:19:08 --> 00:19:09

one who told us what it is.

00:19:10 --> 00:19:11

We are here to connect to Allah for

00:19:11 --> 00:19:14

a temporary time, and there's an eternal place

00:19:14 --> 00:19:16

of gathering, an eternal place of reward.

00:19:16 --> 00:19:19

As simplistic as that sounds, that is the

00:19:19 --> 00:19:20

summary of life.

00:19:21 --> 00:19:24

لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا He created death and

00:19:24 --> 00:19:26

life in order to test us, to see

00:19:26 --> 00:19:27

who's best in their deeds.

00:19:27 --> 00:19:29

So you look at every situation of your

00:19:29 --> 00:19:31

life, every moment of ease, and the moments

00:19:31 --> 00:19:33

of difficulty, and you ask what's most pleasing

00:19:33 --> 00:19:35

to Allah right now.

00:19:35 --> 00:19:37

And as we see the injustices around the

00:19:37 --> 00:19:40

world, in Gaza, and Sudan, and Bangladesh, in

00:19:40 --> 00:19:41

every land, in every place.

00:19:41 --> 00:19:44

As you see injustices in India as well,

00:19:44 --> 00:19:46

the recent situation and the ethnic cleansing of

00:19:46 --> 00:19:47

Muslims that is gradual.

00:19:47 --> 00:19:49

You look at East Turkestan, it's been ongoing

00:19:49 --> 00:19:50

for a long time.

00:19:50 --> 00:19:52

And you ask what is most pleasing to

00:19:52 --> 00:19:53

Allah in my reaction?

00:19:54 --> 00:19:55

How can I benefit the ummah?

00:19:55 --> 00:19:57

How can I disconnect from materialism?

00:19:58 --> 00:20:00

How can I remind myself that what I

00:20:00 --> 00:20:02

have, let me cherish it in a way

00:20:02 --> 00:20:04

pleasing to Allah, but not become controlled by

00:20:04 --> 00:20:07

it, in the sense of subservience to desires,

00:20:07 --> 00:20:09

or subservience to wealth.

00:20:09 --> 00:20:11

So when we ask this question, we think

00:20:11 --> 00:20:12

of the names and attributes of Allah.

00:20:12 --> 00:20:16

Allah Ar-Rahman, Allah Ar-Rahim, Allah Al

00:20:16 --> 00:20:18

-Wadud, the one intense in His love for

00:20:18 --> 00:20:19

His creation.

00:20:19 --> 00:20:22

And we remind our friends frequently, we remind

00:20:22 --> 00:20:25

our children frequently, we remind ourselves through the

00:20:25 --> 00:20:27

recitation of Qur'an, through frequent salah, through

00:20:27 --> 00:20:30

gatherings in the masajid, through the lectures that

00:20:30 --> 00:20:31

we have and the ilm that we gain,

00:20:32 --> 00:20:34

so that we do not forget why we

00:20:34 --> 00:20:34

are here.

00:20:35 --> 00:20:37

And if that loss is so painful and

00:20:37 --> 00:20:39

so heavy, the best thing you can do

00:20:39 --> 00:20:42

is to channel some of that pain into

00:20:42 --> 00:20:44

inshaAllah ta'ala, into guaranteeing that you're doing

00:20:44 --> 00:20:47

everything you can to reunite with that loved

00:20:47 --> 00:20:49

one in a place that is eternally blissful.

00:20:49 --> 00:20:51

May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala have mercy

00:20:51 --> 00:20:53

on our loved ones who passed away before

00:20:53 --> 00:20:55

us and grant us strength and the reward

00:20:55 --> 00:20:56

of our loss.

00:20:56 --> 00:20:58

And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala replace

00:20:58 --> 00:21:00

our worldly losses with the things that are

00:21:00 --> 00:21:00

better.

00:21:01 --> 00:21:01

And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant

00:21:01 --> 00:21:03

us contentment in all situations.

Share Page