Suleiman Hani – 5 Ways to Cope with Loss
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If a non-Muslim were to ask you
today, what are some of the most amazing
coping mechanisms you learn as a Muslim when
it comes to loss, when it comes to
hardships, when it comes to pain?
How would you respond?
When our children ask or watch their parents,
how do you deal with hardships?
How does my father, my mother, how do
they react when there is a difficulty in
any way, loss of a worldly thing, the
loss of health or wealth, and the loss
of loved ones as well?
May Allah ﷻ put barakah in our families,
in our health, in our wealth, and protect
us.
Allahumma ameen.
The first thing we establish without any doubt
whatsoever is the purpose of why we are
here.
And to teach our children, but also to
reinforce as adults that Allah ﷻ reminds us
frequently in the Qur'an, He created us
for two worlds, one that is temporary, one
that is permanent.
This is the temporary life.
And because this life is temporary, nothing in
it has permanence.
And that's why we always turn back to
al-hayyu al-qayyum, the ever-living.
Allah ﷻ, who is always present, the everlasting.
Whereas we recognize the loss of our own
lives, mortality, salience, and the loss of worldly
things, that nothing you have in this world
is guaranteed, although we should be optimistic about
the blessings that we have.
Although we should ask Allah ﷻ for aafiyah,
for well-being in all of the things
that we have.
Allah ﷻ gives us the fact of life
first and throughout the Qur'an so that
we don't start with the wrong premises.
When someone has an expectation that everything they
own is theirs forever, permanently, it starts to
lead to greater pain and loss when there
is some kind of change.
The pain is amplified as many psychologists say,
when someone expects that what they have is
always theirs.
Whereas the believers recognize everything is temporary.
And Allah ﷻ when He tells us this,
it's not to scare us, but to prepare
us.
It's not to frighten us from what we
have or to lose sight of what matters,
but actually to cherish more the blessings you
have while you have them.
To cherish more your health, to cherish more
your time, to cherish more any wealth, anything
material you have of this world, and especially
to cherish your loved ones.
The Prophet ﷺ was given a timeless advice
from the angel Jibreel ﷺ, وَأَحْبِبْ مَنْ شِئْتَ
فَإِنَّكَ مُفَارِقُهُ Love whomever you wish, for you
will part from them.
Love them, you will part eventually, but cherish
them while you have them.
And the best of people are those who
are best to their families as the Prophet
ﷺ teaches us.
What do psychologists, Muslim psychologists extract from the
sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ?
As timeless pieces of advice for every human
being, for every believer, especially to cope with
any kind of loss, especially the loss of
loved ones.
First and foremost, to accept the reality of
loss.
The second is to process the pain of
grief.
The third is to adjust to a life
without the thing or the person that you
love.
And number four is to find an enduring
connection, consistency long after that loss.
So first and foremost, the Prophet ﷺ, almost
at the age of 60 years old, was
finally granted a son, Ibrahim.
And imagine his happiness when he went to
boast or like pridefully share that he was
gifted a son.
And he said, I gave him the name
of my father Ibrahim, meaning alayhi salam, the
Prophet Abraham.
So the Prophet ﷺ is so happy.
Imagine he's carrying this toddler, Ibrahim, who lived
to the age of 16 months according to
some of the reports of the seerah.
16 months meaning, he reached the age in
which that toddler is now learning, emulating, copying,
an age that we might find adorable.
It's very cute.
They're learning things and saying things and they're
funny and on and on and on.
So the Prophet ﷺ is gifted the life
of Ibrahim.
But at the age of 16 months in
one report 18 months, Ibrahim returned back to
Allah.
So how did the Prophet ﷺ deal with
this?
It was reported by one of the companions,
the Prophet ﷺ entered the house on that
day, the house of Maria.
فأخذ رسول الله ﷺ إبراهيم فقبله وشمه ثم
دخلنا عليه بعد ذلك وإبراهيم يجود بنفسه The
Prophet ﷺ entered the house and he took
hold of baby Ibrahim, the toddler.
And the Prophet ﷺ maybe kissed him on
the forehead and he even smelled his child,
this toddler that was taking his last breaths.
The sahabi reporting, they said Ibrahim was taking
his final breaths.
He said, فجعلت عين رسول الله ﷺ تذريفان
And that caused the eyes of the Prophet
ﷺ to start to shed tears.
فقال له عبد الرحمن بن عوف رضي الله
عنه وأنت يا رسول الله عبد الرحمن بن
عوف, one of the greatest companions.
He said, even you, O Messenger of Allah,
what does this mean?
The Prophet ﷺ faced so many losses.
Like we know his life from childhood.
He didn't meet his father who died before
he was born.
His mother died when the Prophet ﷺ was
just six years old.
He was supported by his grandfather who eventually
died.
And then given support after he married Khadija
and also the support of his uncle.
And they both died in the same year.
The Prophet ﷺ, three of his four daughters
died before him and he buried them, عليه
الصلاة والسلام.
And Fatima رضي الله عنها, the last one,
she died six months after the passing of
Rasulullah ﷺ.
His uncle Hamza, his loved ones, his companions,
his friends, he was constantly dealing with loss.
But to see him cry for the loss
of a loved one is not the most
common thing.
And it doesn't mean that it's problematic.
Why?
But the sahaba when they saw this, they're
learning.
So they're asking.
So Abdurrahman says, even you, O Messenger of
Allah, like even you cry when there's loss
of a loved one.
And the Prophet ﷺ, he said, يَبْنَ عَوْفٍ
إِنَّهَا رَحْمَةٌ ثُمَّ أَتْبَعَهَا بِأُخْرَةٌ He said, this
is mercy, O Ibn Awf.
And then he started to cry some more.
And then he said the famous words that
many people quote.
فَقَالَ صَلَى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمْ He said, إِنَّ
الْعَيْنَ تَدْمَعْ وَالْقَلْبَ يَحْزَنْ وَلَا نَا قُولُ إِلَّا
مَا يَرْضَى رَبُّنَا He said, Verily, the eyes
shed tears and the heart is grieved.
But we will not say anything except what
is pleasing to our Lord.
In one riwayah of Al-Bukhari, he said,
وَإِنَّا بِفِرَاقِخَ يَا إِبْرَاهِيمْ لَمَحْزُنُونَ We are at
your departure, O Ibrahim, the toddler.
We are saddened at that.
In one report, he said, if it were
not for the fact that Allah would gather
the earlier people with the later people, meaning
those who died first and those who died
later.
If we did not know that the qadr
of Allah would cause us to be gathered
somewhere else, we would be even more saddened
at your departure, O Ibrahim.
So what did we learn from this?
The Prophet ﷺ, he teaches us first and
foremost, expressing human emotion by default is not
problematic in and of itself.
It's not halal or haram to express emotion
at the loss of a loved one.
How you do so matters.
So that's why he said, we only say
what is pleasing to Allah.
We only say what is pleasing to Allah.
There's a lot of research that many Muslim
psychologists and others have found that when people
express emotion in a healthy way, in a
time of losing something precious to them, they
tend to be more resilient and cope better
with the adjustments that they need.
But in this hadith you have what another
sub-lesson if you will, which is how
to shift from denial to acceptance.
Now, not from the Prophet ﷺ, he didn't
deny anything.
But the denial meaning the shock of the
moment that many people deal with when they
go through loss.
Ar-rida, here the contentment, biqada illa with
what Allah has decreed.
That this was the time that was meant
to be.
I know, first and foremost, what did we
say?
That I'm not meant to be here forever.
My loved ones are not meant to be
here forever.
There is a place in which people will
reunite, but it is not here.
And so eventually in some way, in some
form, we have to depart.
How?
We don't know.
And we ask Allah to make our ending
a good ending in this world and to
put barakah in our families and relationships while
we have them.
And to help repair and mend the relationships
that are fractured in our families.
Allahumma ameen.
So acceptance of Allah's decree does not mean
you can't be sad.
And if somebody has ever told you that
there's a misunderstanding of religion, a misunderstanding of
the seal of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.
We learn from this that it is a
mercy from Allah that he sent us as
humans, prophets and messengers who are human, not
angels.
Because angels are infallible.
Humans, you will see their expression of emotion.
You will see how they deal with different
situations.
How did they deal with the loss of
loved ones?
And that includes the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam.
And he did this despite knowing, yes, that
we're going to die.
Despite him telling us sallallahu alayhi wasallam, what
Jibreel conveyed, وَأَحْبِبْ مَنْ شِتْ Love whomever you
will.
فَإِنَّكَ مُفَارِقُ You will part from them.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam is also the
one who told the sahaba, المرءُ مَعَ مَنْ
أَحَبْ You will be with the person that
you love.
So if you're saddened at the thought of
having to part from them, there's a gathering
place.
So work for that place.
The second thing that we look at and
we find in the Qur'an and the
Sunnah as far as coping mechanisms is the
famous story of the dua of Ya'qub
a.s. Prophet Jacob, peace be upon him.
The loss of his son Yusuf.
He's looking for him, he's lost, he's gone
for a long time, but he's crying, he's
crying, he's crying.
What does he do?
We know the ayah that many people cite.
قَالَ إِنَّمَا أَشْكُوا بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللَّهِ He
said, I complain of my sadness and my
grief to Allah.
And there's a distinction in Islam between complaining
about your life to other people and complaining
to Allah about your pain.
There's a distinction, why?
Because the first is the one who's complaining
about their qadr, and sometimes seemingly with a
lack of rida, may Allah protect us.
And the second is the one who's turning
to Allah and saying, O Allah, I'm weak,
so help me.
O Allah, I'm in pain, so heal me.
O Allah, grant me the resources, the environments,
the reminders that will strengthen me.
O Allah, replace my loss with something better.
So we learn from this example, one of
the healthiest ways psychologically and spiritually to process
grief is actually to turn to Allah and
spill your heart out in terms of your
du'a.
And if you don't know where to start,
O Allah, help me.
O Allah, purify my heart.
O Allah, heal me.
O Allah, grant me strength.
The third example we find in the Qur
'an and Sunnah is the example of Umm
Salama r.a. So the example here is
how do you adjust at the moment of
calamity?
How do you adjust?
What do you do?
What's a specific example?
Umm Salama r.a. She was married to
Abu Salama for a long time.
And so before he died, he actually told
her when they had spoken of death and
how the wife will be with the last
of her husbands.
And he said basically, No, I would rather
you marry somebody better than me if I
were to die before you.
And she didn't want this at first.
Anyways, she said something very interesting.
One of the most famous narrations that the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam said, ما من مسلم
تصيبه مصيبة There is no Muslim who is
touched by any kind of calamity.
فيقول ما أمره الله And then they react
by saying what Allah commanded them to say.
إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ We belong to
Allah and to Him is our return.
اللهم جُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَةِ وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا
And so they follow this up with what?
O Allah, reward me.
Meaning reward me for my patience with my
trial.
Reward me for my patience with this difficulty,
with my loss, the loss of your job,
a loved one, material wealth, or health, or
anything at all.
And then you follow up with what?
O Allah, reward me for it and replace
it with something better.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam gave a guarantee.
And he said, وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا إِلَّا
أَخْلَفَ اللَّهُ لَهُ خَيْرًا مِنْهَا Accept that, Allah
will accept that dua.
And He will give that person something better.
Now, she made this dua after her husband
died.
Who on earth is going to be for
her better than her husband?
And she thought to herself before her husband
died, there's no one I would ever marry
after his death.
There's no one better than Abu Salama radiyallahu
anhu.
And long story short, she ended up marrying
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasalam.
She's the one who reported this dua amongst
other sahaba.
When you go through hardship and you react
with what Allah commanded, إِنَّا لِلَّهُ We belong
to Allah, we don't belong to this world,
we don't belong to each other, we don't
belong to our worldly states, we don't belong
to society.
We belong to Allah, and to Allah is
our return.
O Allah, reward me for my patience, my
loss, and replace it with something better.
You can make this dua in any language
you can express.
And it's a guarantee that Allah will replace
your situation with something better.
Umm Salama radiyallahu anhu, she made this dua
numerous times, not just once.
But it's a guarantee.
Now, here's a reminder for us that's very
practical.
If you don't practice this reaction with smaller
things in everyday life, how are you going
to do so with the larger or more
difficult changes?
May Allah protect us.
If we don't react to the small things,
like for example, a young person, he tells
us, my parents are always saying, you know,
when something bad happens, say, الحمد على كل
حال.
But every single time something bad happens to
my dad or to my mom, they overreact.
They start profanity left and right.
Somebody just cut them off.
Somebody said something mean.
They just completely lose it.
How am I supposed to learn from my
parents that the reaction of إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا
إِلَيْهِ رَجَعُونَ applies to everyone and to all
situations?
If you're not modeling that behavior, the children
will see the opposite message.
And this is a reality we recognize.
And it starts at a young age and
it's a reminder for all of us.
Be cautious of your reactions for your akhirah
and for the akhirah of your children as
well.
So you react with this and you say
with the smaller things so that it leads
up to the strength of the larger things.
Oh Allah, reward me for my patience.
Reward me for this loss and replace it
with something that is better.
There is a readjustment here in terms of
one's life.
Number four.
One of the things that the scholars emphasize
that helps as a coping mechanism.
If it's the loss of a loved one,
is to keep making dua for them.
How does this help psychologically?
There's two things that come to mind here.
First, every time you make dua for a
loved one that passed away, imagine as they
are in the grave, their sins are being
erased, their rank is increasing in goodness, and
they ask, what is this for?
This is the dua of so-and-so.
This is the dua of your son or
your daughter.
Bir al-walidayn, in Islam we talk about
it often.
Honoring one's parents.
Many times we start with the foundations.
Honoring your parents while they are alive.
For example, no matter what they say and
do, even if they are wrong, the way
we react to them is not based on
their standard.
If they messed up, Allah will hold them
accountable.
But we respond with what?
With bir al-walidayn, with honor, with mercy.
It doesn't mean we are talking about justifying
abuse or anything like this.
But we cannot justify harshness towards them.
We cannot justify evil or abuse towards them.
And so there's a difference between the two.
There is a hierarchical difference if you will.
But more importantly here, what happens when they
die?
Bir al-walidayn is that you keep making
dua for them, and that keeps you connected
to them.
And number two, is that you honor the
people that they loved.
So if you know your father and your
mother for example, may Allah have mercy on
all of our loved ones who passed away
before us, that they had a certain love
or attachment to a friend, or one of
their siblings is still alive, that you honor
them.
And that is part of bir al-walidayn
after a parent passes away.
You keep referencing them, making dua for them
in a good way, motivating others, inspiring others
through their legacy, and also being a source
of khair, and also honoring the people that
they honored and loved during their lifetimes.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam loved Khadija
radu anha.
She did so much for him.
She sacrificed.
She stood by him.
At the first revelation when a lot of
Quraysh turned against him, she helped him in
a time that he said everyone was turning
away, meaning society seemed like it was turning
against him, persecuting him, and the few followers
of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
So later on in later years, after she
passed away, it was reported from Aisha radu
anha, she said, I never felt as much
jealousy about any woman than I did towards
Khadija.
This is a positive jealousy, not negative.
She said, she died three years before I
married the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but
I heard him mentioning her so often.
And Allah commanded the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, to give Khadija the good news of
a palace in Jannah.
The salam from Jibril, from Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala to Khadija radu allahu anha.
And she said the Prophet would sacrifice or
slaughter the sheep and distribute its meat amongst
her friends.
To honor the friends of the one who
passed away is one of the ways to
honor them and to stay connected to their
legacy as well.
So this is one type of coping mechanism
that many psychologists have found to be beneficial.
And of course, as we said before, this
especially applies to the one whose father or
mother have passed away.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala have mercy
on our loved ones who preceded us to
Allah.
And finally, the last point is number five.
No matter what you lose of this world,
people that you love or the things that
you had in your life that Allah tested
you with temporarily, do not lose yourself spiritually.
Do not stop asking Allah for firmness.
The foundation, the goal, with everything that we
go through at the end of the day
is to stay pleasing to Allah.
What is most pleasing to Allah in my
situation?
And to ask, what can I do right
now?
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he is
the messenger and he always prayed, يَا مُقَلِّبَ
الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَىٰ دِينِكَ O Allah, the
one who controls the hearts, keep my heart
firm upon your religion.
So may not be that you lost a
loved one, it may be that you lost
a relationship with a loved one.
Estrangement has increased in society and around the
world, the cutting off of a family member.
And many people are experiencing this in different
ways.
So what does Ibrahim alayhi sallam do when
his own father is the one making idols?
And his own father is rejecting the message
of a prophet, is rejecting the message of
Ibrahim alayhi sallam.
He makes dua for him.
And as he's giving him dawah, does he
do so harshly because he's a defender of
the truth in Islam?
يَا أَبَتِي O my father, O my dear
father, يَا أَبَتِي There's politeness and humility towards
the one who is manufacturing idols for shirk,
for idol worship.
And Ibrahim alayhi sallam makes dua for him.
He copes in a way through that dua
as well by finding benefit for his father
and trying to do what he can in
terms of dawah.
And so one of the stages of grief,
one of the final stages, psychologist says to
find meaning.
What does it mean when someone has chosen
a different path than the path of truth?
What does it mean when someone has rejected
something good?
What does it mean that you were not
given the job that you wanted or you
were let go?
What does it mean when there's a loss
of a loved one?
Meaning and purpose always goes back to the
one who told us what it is.
We are here to connect to Allah for
a temporary time, and there's an eternal place
of gathering, an eternal place of reward.
As simplistic as that sounds, that is the
summary of life.
لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا He created death and
life in order to test us, to see
who's best in their deeds.
So you look at every situation of your
life, every moment of ease, and the moments
of difficulty, and you ask what's most pleasing
to Allah right now.
And as we see the injustices around the
world, in Gaza, and Sudan, and Bangladesh, in
every land, in every place.
As you see injustices in India as well,
the recent situation and the ethnic cleansing of
Muslims that is gradual.
You look at East Turkestan, it's been ongoing
for a long time.
And you ask what is most pleasing to
Allah in my reaction?
How can I benefit the ummah?
How can I disconnect from materialism?
How can I remind myself that what I
have, let me cherish it in a way
pleasing to Allah, but not become controlled by
it, in the sense of subservience to desires,
or subservience to wealth.
So when we ask this question, we think
of the names and attributes of Allah.
Allah Ar-Rahman, Allah Ar-Rahim, Allah Al
-Wadud, the one intense in His love for
His creation.
And we remind our friends frequently, we remind
our children frequently, we remind ourselves through the
recitation of Qur'an, through frequent salah, through
gatherings in the masajid, through the lectures that
we have and the ilm that we gain,
so that we do not forget why we
are here.
And if that loss is so painful and
so heavy, the best thing you can do
is to channel some of that pain into
inshaAllah ta'ala, into guaranteeing that you're doing
everything you can to reunite with that loved
one in a place that is eternally blissful.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala have mercy
on our loved ones who passed away before
us and grant us strength and the reward
of our loss.
And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala replace
our worldly losses with the things that are
better.
And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant
us contentment in all situations.