Suhaib Webb – Fiqh Of Nikah – Part Two
AI: Summary ©
The Muslim community is a strong and vibrant community with strong values and cultural principles. Visitors are reminded of the importance of avoiding marriage, finding a partner, and protecting privacy and security in relationships. Visitors emphasize the need for a virginity and privacy in relationships, while also acknowledging the negative impact of marriages on people's emotions and behavior. Visitors also discuss the importance of religion and character in marriage, and the need for privacy and security in relationships. The segment ends with a discussion of the ruling of Islam, including the need for privacy and security in relationships and the use of "istic" to protect private parts.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, alhamdulillah wa salallahu
wa sallam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala Nuhullah.
Begin by praising Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
saying peace and blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad
salallahu alayhi wa sallam and those who follow
him until the end of time.
Assalamu alaykum to everybody.
Everybody looks scared.
It's just my work clothes man, don't worry.
Welcome to people that are first-timers that
have been here, alhamdulillah.
So I'll just introduce myself, maybe I'm sure
a lot of you don't know me.
My name is Suhaib Webb, I'm originally from
Oklahoma, alhamdulillah, and I became Muslim in 1992
through a friend and as well as the
music industry and then finished a degree in
education which is a life of perennial poverty
but complete happiness, especially in Oklahoma, right?
And I left Oklahoma when I was quite
young and studied in Egypt.
I lived in Egypt for seven years.
I was there during the original iteration of
the Arab Spring, alhamdulillah, and worked in different
non-profits across the country and then taught
at NYU for like six years.
I don't think I would still have my
job if I was there now, except with
Khaled, he wouldn't fire me, alhamdulillah, and then
actually founded Center DC with Lauren like 10
years ago in the DC area and then
purposely disappeared so that it would run by
itself.
I don't like human-centered organizations, if that
makes sense.
So I'm very happy to see how it's
developed.
I feel old now, you know, coming here,
alhamdulillah, and it's great to see the growth
in the community and move back now to
Tacoma Park.
My wife's whole family is from here and
I have a bunch of kids so the
free babysitting is a perk, alhamdulillah.
I'll be coming here twice a month, initially
it was going to be every week but
unfortunately my schedule is a little crazy, alhamdulillah,
and I just want to set some expectations
for those of you who may be here,
like this is actually a class, it's almost
like a kind of like a textbook that
you're going to go through, so it may
be like a little dry in that sense,
but it's like really important information and what
I try to do is to think about
if I was writing a textbook for people,
like this is how the textbook would look.
If you want a free copy now, the
unedited raw version, you can use that QR
code and the link is on that WhatsApp
group that is part of my school that
I operate, alhamdulillah.
I have four kids, I have a 23
-year-old who's in University of Malaysia who's
spending all my money and I have a
20-year-old who's still undecided, not on
voting, just about life and then I have
a five-year-old who is totally decided
on what she wants to do with her
life and tells me about it any chance
she gets and then I have a two
-year-old who is still, you know, I
think the battery is not working, who's very
much a two-year-old, mashallah, alhamdulillah.
So last time we started, we went through
sort of some of the current developments of
family law within the Muslim world, we talked
about some new terminology that's been introduced, which
is a contemporary term, we talked about why
that term sort of developed specifically within the
Egyptian court system, we know that the sharia
court in Egypt was actually existing till 1955,
until Abdel Nasser came and then we examined
the definition of nikah, marriage, and we talked
about how scholars argued about its literal or
figurative meaning in the Quran and we noted
how in the Quran it's only used once
to mean actually *, so the rest of
the time it's used in the Quran is
talking about the aqid, the actual contract, right?
So that's why the majority of scholars say
that nikah, it means the aqid, not the
act of *, which is like an FYI,
but it's there for you to sort of
appreciate kind of the academic, you know, legacy
of Islam and Muslims and then we went
through the four madhhabs definition of nikah and
we showed why they're outdated for this age
and how that may in fact be problematic
for people to get married according to those
definitions and that's what we stopped, right?
What are you going to take from this
class is you're going to take functionality, like
I'm someone that's trained in Islamic law and
my training is to be very functional, so
I remember my second year in the College
of Sharia, I started to get like, I
don't know if we have any lawyers here,
but it was too much theory, just a
lot of theory, a lot of Aristotelian logic,
a lot of cases from like ancient times
and stuff and I started to ask myself,
especially when you've become Muslim, when you become
Muslim, your ethos is Islam is sort of
an adventure, it's not like a cultural relic,
you know, my daughter likes to tell me
I'm not a convert, right, like I'm too
crazy about it, that's what she means, so
I actually went to the place where they
give fatwa and I just asked like, can
I just sit here and watch you guys
like do what you do because I'm overwhelmed
with like theory, man, like I gotta go
back and like do this, right, I can't
just sit here and like memorize all these
books and so they let me and that's
how that started and so I was able
to watch like cases and then they actually
asked me to answer some questions, which was
a complete disaster, alhamdulillah, the first time as
a lady came and she said like my
friend, you know, committed zina, you know, my
friend, right, and so I was, my beard
was like here at that time, you know,
I was a little, I was a little
hot-blooded man and I was very young
and really wasn't mature enough to be in
that position, but you know, that's where Allah
put me, so I got upset at her,
you know, not physically upset, but my answer
was like tough, you know, and then the
sheikh who was training me from Mansurah, if
you're from Egypt, he was from Mansurah, he
said to me like just be quiet, man,
and then he answered her and then he
came back to me and he said, oh,
he's like, this your first day, more or
less, you know, and I was like, yeah,
and he was like, man, you know, the
blood that comes here is warm and red
and the blood in the koliya is cold
and blue, meaning like the books that you
read, the blood, he meant like the blood,
the letters is cold and blue, right, so
you'll be cold if that's all you interact
with, but like people, their ink is warm,
you know, it's a very good lesson for
me, alhamdulillah, and then the last thing, I
never told anyone this that happened to me,
that really framed my thinking about the functionality
of Islamic law and how it works in
America, and that's why sometimes you see me
getting bombed on, is my last moment in
Azhar, you know, seven years, Oklahoma to Egypt,
it's crazy, man, you know, subhanAllah, what a
ni'mah, you know, subhanAllah, how the heck you
get from Oklahoma to Cairo, man, and this
man came to me, he was a farmer,
farmers wear a special type of clothes, and
they're known to be brash, you know, so
he said to me, he said, I have
a question, I had on the Azhar outfit,
you know, the whole outfit because it was
my last day in the masjid, I was
going to see all my teachers, you know,
say goodbye and whatnot, the Boyz II Men
song was playing, and then he came to
me, he's like, are you like a sheikh,
I was like, no, no, man, I'm just
a student, I just got on the outfit,
and he was like, no, no, no, that
is a sheikh, like you're dressed in the
costume of a teacher, I was like, what
do you want, man, he's like, I have
a question for you, I said, yeah, he
said, where is the noon in Men Sherri,
if you speak Egyptian, he said, you know,
he said, where did that noon go, so
I was like, and then he told me,
and this is the lesson, it's the last
conversation I ever had, and it's been a
hujjah against me for my whole life now,
he said, don't answer me like a sheikh,
don't answer me like, you know, verbose language,
and all these names, and this quote, that
book, this book, that book, I just need
to know, where's the noon, so then I
said, you know, then I started quoting this
book, he's like, no, no, that's what I
meant, don't answer like that, so then I
got mad at him, I was like, that's
how God sent it, he said to me,
that's all I needed, bro, and he walked
away, so those were like two very powerful
experiences that I believe in the ethos of
like functionality, so when we go through this
book, you're going to see, even today, and
you don't have to agree with me, like
if you don't agree with me, it's fine,
I'm not, I don't take myself that seriously,
and that means your thinking as well, which
I want to encourage you to do, but
you'll see like there's functionality, right, hopefully, it's
not abstract law, I don't like abstract Islam,
I like functional Islam, as much as possible,
so we're talking about those different definitions from
the ancient times, and God bless those scholars,
like we're not throwing out the baby with
the bathwater, right, they had their days, we
have our days, they had their problems, we
have our problems, and nobody goes to study
overseas to come back a book, like nobody
goes and spends years overseas to come back
Nusra, you know, a copy of a book,
they have their responsibility, they have their people,
they have their unique circumstances, and we have
certainly unique circumstances, where Islam allows flexibility, we
should be flexible, where Islam doesn't allow flexibility,
then we're not flexible, so the definition that
I shared with you, really models for you
what we call Tajdeed, which is a revival
of Fiqh, not Tabdeed, Tabdeed means the destruction,
we don't want to destroy anything, but we
may need to keep in mind certain things,
and think critically and constructively, so the definition
that I gave you, you can go back
and read it, if you weren't here last
time, the other old definitions, is a contract
between a man and a woman, intended for
the mutual enjoyment of each other, as well
as the formation of a righteous family and
sound society, and my teacher, I quoted him,
he said, this is a superior definition, because
the purpose of Nikah is not limited to
mere enjoyment, you remember the older definitions were
like, you know, the contract for a man
to have fun, that's basically kind of the
definition, other definition, the permissibility of a woman's
private parts with an exchange, ain't nobody here
getting married according to that, right?
With respect, and so our teacher said, you
know, those are definitions that perhaps had their
moment in time, for whatever reason, but for
this moment in time, he preferred this definition,
he also has his own definition that he
wrote, he said, the lawful companionship between a
man and a woman, and their cooperation, which
outlines their mutual rights and obligations, so if
you're getting married, and you think about what
you want to write in the contract, that's
something you can write, so now it's functional,
this lawful companionship, which Allah has blessed us
with, between a man and a woman, and
their cooperation, which outlines their mutual rights and
obligations, as defined by Islam and their culture,
Islam is not against culture, as we'll see,
hopefully as we go, that takes us now
to the basis for the legitimacy of marriage,
we know in the Quran, in the fourth
chapter of the Quran, the third verse, Allah
says, then marry those that please you, or
other women, two, three, or four, we'll talk
about polygamy in the future, I know, questions
are going to come, and also from the
Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ, who said, oh
young men, whoever amongst you can afford marriage,
should marry, we talked about afford here, doesn't
just mean the financial ability to marry, that's
important, but also the emotional, psychological, physical ability
to marry, we know that women will come
to the Prophet ﷺ, and he would say,
don't marry this person, he's someone who's easily
angered ﷺ, and we'll get to those hadith
in the future, also for women, you know,
Imam Ibn Rushd and Imam Ibn Qayyim, they
have a great statement, that says, any of
these kind of texts, are automatically understood to
be for both men and women, so when
you're a woman, thinking about, how are you
ready for marriage, the same sort of advices
would apply to you as well, what are
some of the wisdoms behind marriage, the primary
purpose of marriage, I don't necessarily agree with
this, but it says, is to establish a
social unit, not everybody wants to have kids
though, the primary purpose of marriage, is happiness,
and it's okay to be happy, Allah says,
وَبِذَٰرِكَ فَلْيَفْرَحُهُ وَخَيْرٌ مِّمَّا يَجْمَعُونَ and so to
Yunus, Allah said, be happy, you know, oftentimes
people ask, is it allowed to laugh, in
the khutbah, it's allowed to cry, so we
need to also distance ourselves from the idea
of religion is like, synonymous with melancholy, right,
if that was the case, Allah said to
the Prophet ﷺ, وَأَمَّا بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ فَحَدِّثْ talk
about good things, talk about blessings, talk about
khayr, and as someone who's married, and those
of us who are married, you know, there's
a joy that you experience, masha'Allah, within
a marriage, that's a very unique joy, a
very profound, deep sort of bond, ideally, so
to establish a social unit, a noble family
founded on mutual love, cooperation, moral excellence, marriage
is considered one of an individual's most significant
and impactful decisions, for sure, it is through
marriage that a harmonious and virtuous society is
built, maybe, emphasizing the importance of family life
and promoting good character and maintaining societal stability,
the Prophet ﷺ said, whoever marries has completed
half the religion, لَنْ لَتَنْفَلْ يَتَّقِي لَهِ لَنْ
لَتَنْفِعَ اللَّهِ for the rest of their religion,
many of us have heard this hadith, it's
like everywhere, it's on the streets, you find
like conferences called like, you know, half your
deen, and you know, it's like a kind
of like a bumper sticker, you know, it's
out there, and sometimes that can be harmful
for people who couldn't get married, or maybe
that, you know, they just haven't been able
to find the right person, or maybe they're
divorced, so this hadith, and here's where, you
know, I've added notes to the book, I
think that ultimately be important once I edit
it after like 12 years, is that while
a famous phrase, this hadith is not authentically
reported on behalf of the Prophet ﷺ, it's
not a statement of the Prophet ﷺ, you
have to be very careful what you hear,
man, just because it's on a meme, doesn't
mean it's from deen, that's the axiom, memorize
it, right, just because it's on a meme,
doesn't mean what?
It's from deen, yeah, keep that in your
head, just trust me, so while famous, Imam
Ibn Hajar, he wrote a famous book called
famous things that the Prophet didn't say that
everybody says, especially on the minbar and the
Friday prayers, because usually the minbar, the person
giving the Friday sermon, or someone that's like,
you know, trying to be like evocative, you
know, like we say, you know, like storytellers,
you know, like they want to get you
pumped up, sometimes those people aren't trained necessarily
in examining narrations, but in law, you have
to be very, very careful when you want
to make a point, and we'll go through
this, so the Prophet ﷺ, he did not
say marriage is half your religion, there are
a few narrations attributed to him, but they
are weak, because there's only one chain, there's
only one chain, back to the Prophet ﷺ,
where this sort of, I think also took
on new life is Shaykh al-Bani, Allah
yurhamu, the great scholar of hadith, in his
book about marriage, he said this hadith is
something called, you want to write this down,
hassan li ghayrihi, hassan li ghayrihi means a
hadith that's weak, but it has so many
narrations, that when they're all brought together, they
like strengthen one another, so it goes from
being weak to being what?
If you speak Arabic, because of something else,
because of all those narrations brought together, but
this is important, you know, if you're doing
a halaq, or maybe you meet someone who's
really down, like I feel so bad, like
marriages, I think the first week, right, the
sister rose her hand, she raised her hand,
she was like, like am I supposed to
feel bad, because I'm not married, because like
marriage is half your deen, right, so she
made me, when she said that, I was
like, let me go and do research, but
there's only one narration of this hadith, and
I had someone named Yazid al-Ruqayshi, Yazid
al-Ruqayshi is Matruk, he's abandoned by the
scholars of hadith, and Sheikh al-Bani, may
Allah have mercy upon him, his understanding, he
thought, oh, there must be other texts that
support it, so it's not weak, but it's
attributed to the Prophet, salallahu alayhi wa sallam,
in fact, and I don't want to get
too technical for you, but if we examine,
and we chain, and we trace, kind of,
and investigate this statement, it's actually made by
one of the early scholars, Tawus, Tawus is
from the Salaf, and so he said it,
like marriage is half your deen, and then
it just started, you know, like *, and
after a while, people were like, oh, so
in conclusion, the hadith is not authentically established,
due to the weakness of the single chain
that exists, and for that reason, there's no
corroborating evidence, sorry if it's too nerdy for
you guys, okay, yes sir, yes, it's not
hadith, it's a statement of one of the
early Muslims, I just didn't want to get
too technical, it may seem technical, but if
you push through it, it's like the treadmill,
you know, if you push through it, you're
going to benefit, we have to sort of
get away from, like, entertaining Islam, this is
your marriage, man, you can tell, I wish,
like, I had, when I was new Muslim,
man, I told you guys, second night I
became Muslim, first night, like, brother, you need
to get married, I'm like, bro, man, I'm
not ready for that, you know, the second,
the next thing that we want to talk
about is the prohibition of avoiding marriage, and
so I've actually taken a text, and then
I'm writing notes in the text, so I'm
not always agreeing with what you may read
in the text, be careful, and look at
my notes, if they're there, so the person
writes, Islam forbids turning away from marriage, even
if one's reason for doing so is to
devote more time to worship, it's not correct,
and how do we know that's not correct,
as we have actually scholars, there are books
written on ulama, scholars who didn't marry, who
chose not to marry, for whatever reasons, like,
to ask one of the great scholars who
was really busy teaching and researching and writing,
why didn't you get married, and he was
like, I'll harm the person that I marry,
like, I'm so, I'm a, I'm like a
pro, like, I'm OCD in what I do,
and so he was aware of the fact
that, like, marrying in that way could lead
to sin, because he would fail to observe
those mutual rights and cooperation that we talked
about in the beginning, so this statement, although
it's a platitude, and you hear it everywhere,
it's not correct, the Prophet, peace be upon
him, he did emphasize marriage, you know, those
people, when they ask Aisha, about the Prophet's
life, and she told him, and then one
of them said, like, I'm gonna fast forever,
the other one said, I'm never going to
sleep, I'm going to pray, the other one
said, I'm never going to get married, and
the Prophet ran to them, peace be upon
him, if you think about the hadith, you'll
see why I'm telling you it's not an
obligation, the Prophet, peace be upon him, said,
I fast, and I break my fast, so
is fasting fard, or is only one type
of fasting fard?
Think about the text, the answer is in
the text, if you think about it, he's
not talking here about Ramadan, he's talking about
what, obligatory, you know, voluntary prayer, so we
know the voluntary prayer is not what?
It's not fard, so, not an obligation, so
then why would you suddenly lump marriage into
that, using this text, when this text is
talking about two other things, which aren't fard,
but they're what?
Encouraged, then he said, I pray and I
sleep, so is tahajjud a fard?
It's not a fard, so it's a sunnah,
recommended sunnah, and I marry, so then we
understand, actually, the hadith, and I don't want
to be too harsh, is actually against the
person, because to use this hadith to say,
oh, it's an obligation to marry, well, then
that would mean, praying tahajjud is an obligation,
and what?
Fasting voluntarily is what?
That's not, that's not the meaning of the
hadith, and I said to you, one of
the things I want you to think about,
is how we model being constructively critical, everybody's
so angry, this is an age of serious
angst, you know, so everybody's mad, right, but
we have to learn how to push through,
and find sometimes the benefit of thinking constructively,
and embrace criticism at times, because it will
lead to something good.
Yes.
You guys can come close to me as
you can, don't worry, I got all my
shots, I don't have the new Covax, but,
you know, I lived in New York, so
it's probably automatically.
Except the sahaba, only there's a difference of
opinion.
That's a good question.
Okay, so, my apologies to interrupt you guys.
So, the prohibition of avoiding marriage, there are
some empty seats up here as well.
Is this too nerdy for you guys?
You guys okay?
I just want to make sure, wow, damn,
okay, that's how you love it, love it
like that jumbo slice.
So, again, you know, Islam, the writer, this
is a book that was taught to us
in the Azhar, so that's why I'm using
it, but then I'm putting notes to it,
so he says, you know, Islam forbids turning
away from marriage, and then he uses this
hadith, this is the point I'm trying to
make to you, but the hadith actually isn't
a proof for him, it's against him, because
the statement of the Prophet, I fast and
break my fast, he's not talking about Ramadan,
he's talking about, you know, three days a
month, he's talking about fasting when the full
moon is out, Monday and Thursdays, those are
not obligatory fasts, those are what?
Recommended.
Then when he says, I sleep, I sleep
and I pray, he's talking about praying at
night, not Isha, in the middle of the
night or before Fajr, we know that those
prayers are not obligatory, they're what?
Recommended.
And then in the same context, he says,
and I marry, so actually the hadith isn't
saying that marriage is forbidden, it's what?
It's recommended, yeah.
That's how we want to start to think,
right, and anyone that encourages you not to
think, you should be careful of them, especially
in religion.
And also the Prophet, peace be upon him,
he said, marry loving, fertile women, loving and
fertile men as well, for I will boast,
I will have more followers, I want to
have more followers in the hereafter.
But again, this is a recommendation.
How do we know that a command is
not a fard?
We know that a command, like Ankihu, marry,
if it's not related to *, like if
you don't do this, you're going to *,
like prayer, it's not related to any kind
of punishment in this world, then usually we
understand it to be a recommendation from the
Messenger of Allah, which we should like pay
attention to, like he is the Messenger of
Allah, it's not like somebody's recommendation on like
U Street, you know what I mean, it's
like, it's something we should listen, it's not
like someone in Silver Spring telling me, you
know, something, it's the Prophet speaking, but it's
not fard, and we say in Usulul Fiqh,
it's like a recommendation, a guidance, and so
on and so forth.
So the strong encouragement is towards marriage, but
the warning doesn't reach the level of Hurmah,
like Haram, not to be married.
Marriage can be generally categorized into three categories,
but we're going to add a fourth today.
Number one, those who fear falling into sinful
acts if they remain unmarried.
Number two, those for whom marriage is recommended.
Number three, those who have no desire.
Number four, those who marriage is not allowed
for them.
So we'll talk about the first, and that
is someone who fears like if they don't
get married, they're going to fall into evil.
Let me just say this as someone who's
single, sometimes loneliness will drive you to evil
more than sexual desires, right?
I think it's the third cause of death
now in America is like loneliness.
So I don't like, I get, we'll talk
about this in the future, like * is
very important, very important part of our life,
we're biological creatures, but I don't like minimizing
marriage, the sanctity of marriage, just to have
*.
Like that really makes it a very shallow
thing, and then we also unprepare young people
or even old people that are trying to
get married to sort of appreciate the robustness
of what marriage is.
You fight more than you have * in
marriage.
Let's be honest, you argue probably more than
you have * in marriage, because every day
something's going to happen, right, where you don't
agree with one another.
What I mean by fight is not like
fight, fight, but I'm saying you disagree.
I mean, let me use a better word.
There's disagreements that happen every day.
So to reduce it simply to, you know,
I just got to save myself, man, before
I fall in Haram, that's a disaster.
Although it's important, like I appreciate the honesty,
you know, Chris Rock said, I understand, I
understand, I understand, but I also understand that
I've seen lead to a lot of experience
in the 30 years in the community, man.
I've seen that attitude destroy people.
So those who fear falling into sinful acts,
we could expand that to any host of
causes, not just sexual issue, but as well
as I've seen people, man, really do some
stupid stuff because of loneliness.
We did a survey of new Muslims in
Boston when I was there as an imam.
We asked what's the greatest challenge, they said
loneliness.
Number two, so for that person, like they
should get married, not like now, but they
should start getting into the, like shooting some
threes, you know what I mean, stretching.
And we have different types of recommendations.
We have a recommendation which is muddaiq, which
means that recommendation does not, doesn't give you
a lot of breath, like you need to
get busy making sure it happens.
So for this person, we say this is
muddaiq.
It could even be wajib on them.
It could even be fard on them, depending
on the situation.
Number two, those for whom marriage is recommended,
this applies to those who have desires, but
they can control their desires.
They're lonely, but they can live with their
loneliness.
They have whatever challenges come without not being
married, they can manage, they can function.
Functionality is the key.
So for that person, we say that it's
muwassa, right?
The recommendation has like, it has a budget,
right?
You have some experience there.
The third, for people who have absolutely zero
desire to get married, not just sexually, even
in companionship.
Because if someone has a sexual desire, but
they don't have the desire for companionship, they're
going to be a horrible spouse.
If someone, you know, has a desire for
companionship and no sexual desire, they're not, they
may not be, probably not going to be
a very good spouse.
So we want to think about this holistically,
not just restricting it to one thing.
And each of us has our own sort
of what's important to us, you know?
So for a person that has no desire,
there are different recommendations by scholars.
Some of them will mention, number one is
like, it's recommended for them, they should still
get married because you know what?
The generality of the verses and the hadith
that encourage marriage are there.
This is the opinion of the writer, by
the way.
Number two, recommend, remain dedicated to whatever they're
doing until they're like, really ready to be
married.
I would say that it's very difficult to
give a blank answer, and that's why I
think I mentioned it last time, man, social
media is not the place to get fatwa,
man.
Because the mufti doesn't know you.
That's why As-Siyuti, Imam As-Siyuti, in
his book, Ashbat wa Nadair, he said it's
an obligation for every city to have a
mufti.
Why?
Because they know the people.
They understand the person they're talking to.
When they ask Imam Ahmed, what's the condition
for like giving religious answers, he said, ma
'rifatu din wa ma'rifatu nas.
You know the religion, you know the people.
Al-Qarafi is a great judge, great jurist
from the Qaraf, if you're from Egypt, the
graveyards.
They ask him about someone who answers people's
questions and he doesn't know the slang of
those people.
He said he should have his law license
suspended.
Because knowing language is crucial.
Knowing the person is crucial.
So I would be very careful, anything you
hear, applying it like to a blanket situation.
When there's this room, there's this space.
The fourth are hermaphrodites.
And we can also apply this to people
of gender dysphoria.
And this question actually was given to really
a great, great scholar.
We don't have to agree with everything he
said.
Sheikh Elish, he died around a hundred something
years ago in Egypt.
But he was asked about marrying a hermaphrodite
or someone who married someone who then it
became apparent that they were hermaphrodite.
And the person asked, does the inability to
imagine, the inability to distinguish the gender of
this person, render that actual marriage that happened
invalid or prohibit them from marriage?
And so I'll just mention the paragraph at
the end.
He said, it is established that marriage is
not provisible for such a person as long
as there is ambiguity.
Imam An-Nawawi says if that person decides,
I'm this gender, that's okay.
Some scholars said whichever private part is more
functional, that should be given the default.
There's a lot of discussion about it.
I'm just going to cover it briefly.
He said, however, Imam al-Shafi'i, we
know Imam al-Shafi'i, he allowed people
to marry hermaphrodites in his method.
So you see there's one of the things
you can appreciate about Islamic law.
The interesting thing about transmodernity is that in
the name of tolerance, it breathes intolerance.
Just look what happened in New York yesterday.
In the name of egalitarian values, just ask
people in Lebanon.
My wife's from Lebanon.
Is this egalitarian values?
Ask people in Palestine.
What happened to every single cause that progressives
may claim to be important is being slammed
in their face right now.
We already know the right, they hate our
body, the left hates our spirit.
We have to negotiate that, by the way.
It's not easy.
I'm not saying give up.
We have to negotiate, but it's hard.
So one thing you can appreciate about Islamic
law, sometimes you'll be, Imam al-Shafi'i
said that?
Wow, I didn't know that.
Because one of the outcomes of Eurocentricism and
white supremacy is for Muslims to look down
on their religion and to assume it's backwards
and to assume it's incapable.
So one of the things, hopefully, as you
see as we go through this, there's a
lot of depth here.
There's a lot of opinions.
There's a lot of breadth.
There's a lot of expanse.
This is not like tick-tock oxen into
grand muftis.
The grand mufti.
So he said, it is established that marriage
is not permissible for such a person as
long as there is ambiguity.
However, Imam al-Shafi'i said that it
is permissible to marry a hermaphrodite if they
lean towards one of the two genders.
And then their status does not change, meaning
once they've decided, they've decided.
This, I think, was the fatwa as well
as Imam al-Khamenei in Iran in the
early 80s, late 70s.
That takes us now to some more simple
topics, fantasy and self-pleasure.
Functionality, man.
These are things that people deal with.
And one of the things that I appreciated
when I went, you know, I was a
new Muslim.
And new Muslims, we have, I'm not saying
I as a new Muslim, you know, I
was living sort of a fantasy Islam, right?
And when I went into the College of
Law, I was like, y'all talking about
this stuff?
Astaghfirullah, you know?
And then I remember one of my teachers
said, al-shari'a hayyun turzaq, right?
The shari'a is alive.
It's not dead.
It's not Latin, right?
And so for it to be functional, it
has to address stuff that people do.
So we talked about before, fiqh is the
study of actions.
And actions don't stop.
So the question is, the person says to
Sheikh Yusuf Qaradawi, there is no shame in
matters of religion.
So is it permissible for a person, whether
male or female, whether married or single, to
imagine sexual things in private to satisfy their
desires as long as they don't engage in
self-pleasure?
Is this halal or haram?
So the Sheikh, he says, and you can
tell by his answer what he's trying to
say, a person who lets their imagination wander
in this way should be cautious, as this
could lead to undesirable consequences.
Imam al-Ghazali said that zina starts in
the mind.
Ibn al-Qayyim has a great statement.
He said, be careful of bad thoughts, because
bad thoughts can lead to desires.
If they lead to desires, you have to
deal with them.
If you don't deal with them, they'll lead
to aspirations.
If you don't deal with them, they'll lead
to actions.
And if you don't deal with them, they'll
lead to habits, and then it's hard to
stop.
And one thing about Islamic law, there's a
great axiom, prevention is better than cure.
And then he says, as the saying goes,
the letter A leads to B, and thinking
about the forbidden might eventually lead one to
commit what is forbidden.
However, we know that the Prophet ﷺ has
said that my ummah is forgiven for their
thoughts.
So that's why the Sheikh is a little
cautious.
He's not going hard on the person.
He said, be careful, look after yourself, be
mindful.
He said, it's better.
He didn't say it's for.
It's better for a person to avoid this
as much as possible.
A person who constantly occupies their mind with
such things is only tormenting themselves, and it
could potentially have some dangerous effects on people.
In any case, if these thoughts overwhelm a
person and they are resisting them, we hope
that there is no sin upon them.
What a nice answer.
However, if they intentionally open the door to
these thoughts and actively seek out things like
websites, * stuff, then that's a sin.
And that's not permissible.
A Muslim is expected to avoid this and
stay away from anything that brings about these
thoughts.
So I'll let you know a little bit
about my methodology.
When it comes to day-to-day affairs,
I consult contemporary scholars.
When it comes to acts of worship, then
I rely on my method.
Understand?
So issues that are now, issues that are
in front of us, right?
These contemporary issues, I feel that contemporary scholars
are more important to us than ancient scholars,
because they had their own set of circumstances,
like we talked about the definition of marriage
before.
But when it comes to acts of worship,
those were pretty much settled on early on.
But, you know, 200 years after the time
of the Prophet ﷺ, they weren't dealing with
the domestication of * as we see it
today.
And unfortunately, I've seen a lot of divorces,
man, due to * addiction and so on
and so forth.
He said, it is better for your well
-being and safer for your faith to block
the avenues of such thoughts.
As the saying goes, and he's mentioning this
Arabic statement, the door from which the wind
blows, close it to find peace.
You never know, it might walk into your
house, right?
That takes us to the next issue, is
*.
Because these are all things that certainly before
marriage are very real and very pertinent.
And you find every book of fiqh, istimna
is mentioned.
So don't tell me like, Astaghfirullah, this is
cringe.
As one of my teachers said, Islam is
too cool for Muslims.
And, you know, of course, if someone feels
uncomfortable, feel free to step outside, you know.
But we have to deal with this kind
of stuff, man.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
How you doing?
I'm good.
Thank you so much.
So again, I share another fatwa by Sheikh
Yusuf al-Qaradawi, because really, I feel like
as far as these kind of contemporary issues,
he was one of the great scholars.
There's another great scholar we'll learn a lot
about, Dr. Zainab Abulfadl.
She's a professor in Tanta in Egypt.
We'll get to her as well.
She's very brilliant.
And they're writing on these issues, right?
They're peer reviewed, sharing, you know, pushing sort
of Islamic law to be sort of on
top of things, if that makes sense.
So he says, you know, Allah subhana wa
ta'ala, we know in the Quran, he
says, وَقُلْ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغْضُونَ مَنْ أَبُصَارِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُونَ
فَرُوجَهُمْ We're going to talk about this today,
hopefully, lowering the gaze.
But he says, Allah says, tell the believing
men, and we know also later on, tell
the believing women to lower their gaze and
guard their private parts.
The meaning of lowering the gaze is to
restrain it.
Why would he start this fatwa about *,
talking about the gaze, because he probably sees
that as the cause, right?
Maybe someone's looking at things, maybe someone's seeing
things, maybe someone is around things that may
be triggering this feeling.
So that's why he starts with it.
Here we learned something, the logic of jurists
in Islam is to address the cause, then
the symptom.
So like, go backwards.
So you actually help the person develop the
skill to live the fatwa.
You don't just give them the answer.
If you tell someone that has like, *
addiction, you know, fear Allah, lower your gaze.
Fear Allah and stop that.
You should help them try to, try to
help them find, it's serious though.
So like, that's why when I was in
Boston, I was working as the imam, we
had a partnership with clinicians.
We had a mental health intake, as well
as a clinical intake in the masjid.
Because these are interdisciplinary issues.
So he said, the meaning of lowering the
gaze is to restrain it and not to
allow it to roam freely, consuming it with
desire that may lead to passion.
For men and women, when one looks at
the opposite gender, they, or whatever leads them
to feel a certain way.
I said to my son, you know, when
he was 17, when you look at girls,
do you feel a buzz?
From one to 10, what is it?
He was like, five.
I said, when it gets to seven, call
me.
Actually six.
But he said, I appreciate like, how you,
how you pushed in, you know what I
mean?
Because it wasn't, it was a little weird,
not too weird, right?
So he said, you know, someone should be
careful to look at anything that drives their,
the buzz, okay?
And that's why the Prophet said to Sayyidina
Ali ibn Abi Talib, meaning, don't follow the
glance with another glance.
Meaning like, something forbidden.
If it accidentally happens, don't follow it with
the second glance.
This doesn't mean a glance outside, walking around.
It means if I saw something which is
not allowed for me to see, then I
turn away from it.
That's that first one I'm excused.
And the message of Allah, he said that
the eye commits zina.
So he said, this lustful, greedy gaze threatens
the virtue of a person and could interrupt
their functionality, the stability of their mind and
heart, and more importantly, destabilize their deen.
All of this starts with a glance.
So he talks about that because he's insinuating,
at least in his time, Sheikh died a
few years ago, you know, that that may
be what's leading to this behavior.
He said, regarding *, I say Muslim youth
must refrain from this bad habit.
It ain't just youth though, which is known
as * or in Islamic jurisprudence, istimna, seeking
* more or less.
The act of a male attempting to *,
istimna, but also applies to women, by stimulating
the * with the hand.
But he said, the jurists have differed regarding
the ruling on *.
Some of them categorically prohibit it.
That's the majority of scholars, majority of matahib.
Using the verse from Surah al-Mu'minun, verses
five through seven, وَمَنِ ابْتَغَ وَرَاءَ ذَٰلِكَ فَأُولَٰئِكَ
هُمُ الْعَادُونَ After Allah talks about like who
is permissible to have a sexual relationship with,
he says, but whoever seeks beyond that, then
they are transgressors.
So they say the exception, there's no exception.
So the argument is, Allah only says this,
your wives, that time of course, slaves, after
that, nothing else.
So the argument is, this is Malik's argument,
that this implies that everything else is forbidden.
Then he says, there are also hadith reported
regarding the prohibition of this, but scholars, I'm
just going to tell you now, every one
of those hadith is weak.
Every single one of those narrations about *,
there's one that says a person's hand will
be pregnant hereafter.
It's just, yeah, it's like, you know, rahmatullah
alameen is not going to say that, salallahu
alayhi wasalam.
But then he says, some scholars permit *
in cases of need and necessity.
So in Islamic law, we have three things
you need to remember.
This is very important, man.
Forgive the theory.
Over time, be less theory, because you're already
going to know all this stuff, because you're
going to study and review.
You'll be like, oh yeah, I don't need
to hear it repeated again, mashaAllah.
And then also, when you hear someone say
something baqwas, you can tell them, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
A good teacher doesn't teach you to be
only a student, they teach you to be
a teacher, and to teach them.
So some scholars permit * in two cases,
what's called al-hajjah and al-dhururah.
Al-hajjah is a need, what's called hajjah.
Example of a hajjah is like, you know,
jumbo slice.
I don't have to have it.
It's a hajjah, air-conditioned.
In DC, that may be a necessity, but
hajjah means, I need it, but I can
live, I can function.
Keep saying the word, right, because I want
it to be in your mind.
The goal of Islamic law is functionality.
The goal of Islamic law is functionality, not
dysfunctionality.
And so we should be very careful people
who teach Islamic law in a way that
leads to dysfunctionality, because the goal is functionality,
as long as it adheres to the sharia.
So a hajjah is something I need, but
I can live without it.
The necessity is what I can't live without.
I will either suffer serious physical harm or
health issues, or I could die.
Imam al-Haramayn is a great jurist from
Nizabur.
You know, Sunni Islam, the irony is that
Sunni Islam really grows and flourishes in what
country?
Iran.
So he's from Nizabur, which was the head
of the Shafi'i Madhab in Shiraz.
Imam al-Haramayn, he says something that my
teacher taught me, that the smart Islamic jurist
is not the one who waits for people
to fall into necessity in an axe, but
the smart jurist is the one who sees
are they in hajjah?
And is that hajjah leaning towards a problem?
So they're in front of the issue, not
behind the issue.
A great example is the fatwa of the
scholars in Indonesia 30 years ago that it's
haram to burn trees.
They were in front of now what we
see as a global climate crisis.
People made fun of them for their fatwa,
but they know their trees better than we
do.
So a duroora is something that I can't
live without, I'll die.
And we have very important axioms in Islamic
law, that a need can become a necessity,
and that a necessity permits the forbidden.
That's why in the Quran, whoever has to
eat pork, whoever has to eat something forbidden
to live, there's no sin on them.
Why?
That necessity allows the forbidden in its measure.
Al-hajjah, especially if you say the hajjah
is ammah, like it's everywhere, everyone has this
need for it, that's where scholars start to
say if that's going to lead to one
of the necessities being impacted, we have to
react to it.
So he said some scholars permit * in
case of a need or a necessity as
a concession, what's called rukhsah, a dispensation.
Some early scholars have reported this opinion, and
it is the opinion, meaning some early scholars
had this opinion, and this is the opinion
of the Hanbali Madhhab.
You'll be surprised, the easiest madhhab, the most
beautiful madhhab is the Hanbali Madhhab, subhanAllah.
Hanbali jurists set two conditions for its permissibility.
The first is, the person is scared of
falling into haram.
They're scared they're going to fall into, say,
adultery.
The second is they are unable of marriage,
for whatever reason they can't get married.
Could be because their age, could be because
their family, because whatever.
In such cases, one would choose the lesser
of two evils.
We have a very important axiom in Islam,
that a person should take the lighter of
the two harms, the lighter of the two
harms.
So that's why scholars talk about a couple
that wants to get married, they have no
financial means, but they, the electricity is strong,
you know what I'm saying?
Electricity is strong, right?
They say let them marry, why?
Because it's the lesser of two.
If they want to, they have their own
agency, they want to get married.
It's the lesser of two evils.
When, we'll talk about it, when someone wants
to get married and their parents won't let
them get married.
Don't take this answer now, get me in
trouble.
But you say let them get married, why?
Because the lesser of two evils.
This also applies to elections.
Same axiom.
Izzah ad-Din Abdus Salam, he mentioned this
actual point when he said, if Muslims live
in a place where all of the rulers
are shayateen, and they have to choose one,
within their own understanding, because you all know
my position, it's out there now online, they
should choose the lesser of the evil.
And in fact, choosing the lesser evil became
good.
It's an axiom.
He said, so in that case we can
adopt Imam Ahmed's opinion in cases where sexual
desires are overwhelmingly strong.
It may be impacting someone emotionally, that may
be impacting psychologically.
It's impacting their functionality.
Or they fear that they're going to fall
into something forbidden.
Facing numerous temptations and fearing for themselves in
such cases, there is no harm in resorting
to this method to calm the surge of
desire and to bring emotional and psychological stability,
provided that they do not overindulge in it
or make it a regular habit.
That takes us now to the benefits of
marriage.
So scholars mentioned quite a few benefits, I'll
just mention some.
Number one is protection of faith.
Number two, preservation and safeguarding one's emotional, psychological,
and physical health, potentially.
Number three is learning to care for somebody.
And to be outside of the cult of
individuality, right?
This current era, the altar, the qiblah of
this era is I.
It's interesting, you know, the Sufis say you
should avoid saying I because it's Shaytan.
I'm better than him.
You created me from fire.
You created I, I, I.
So you should be careful.
We're taught in the Quran to say what?
We worship you.
To step out.
That's why sometimes like I know with my
own family, you know, one of the things
I hope for my children, once things calm
down in Lebanon, I experienced this when I
went overseas.
Like when you live in a village, in
a Muslim village, you really appreciate like community,
man.
Like everybody's functioning.
And also fulfills the wish of the Prophet
ﷺ.
Then I put it in here just so
you can appreciate sort of we talked about
it last time.
The type of marriages that were prohibited by
Islam that existed in pre-Islamic Arabia.
And why did I do that?
Because I want us to understand that Islam
also brought like social policy.
Again, it wasn't that abstraction.
And you find many people, they became Muslim,
not for Tawheed.
Some people became Muslim to get married.
And from the Sahaba, Abu Talha.
He married Umm Sulaym because he wanted, he
became Muslim because he wanted to marry Umm
Sulaym.
And she said to him, I can't marry
you.
We'll talk about this in the future.
You're not a Muslim.
I can't marry you.
He said, okay.
She said, but if you want, your maher
can be Islam.
Faslim.
He became Muslim.
The Sahaba didn't say to him, oh, like
you're not sincere.
Like where's your heart?
You know, he just became Muslim for a
girl.
She's, I have some people ask me like,
you know, like, oh, who, like, were you,
why did you get married after you became
Muslim?
Like, I became Muslim for Islam, man.
But that's not a problem also.
Because Abu Talha, he became a great Sahabi.
Islam is a process, not an event.
Embrace the process.
Like, I believe, honestly, mosques should have classes
for partners.
You can condemn people all day long, but
you have no resources for them.
So we leave people out in the street
to try to struggle with their love interest
to become a Muslim.
They have no resources, but we condemn them.
That's a very, you know, unfortunate attitude to
have.
The opposite.
We should come on down, man.
The price is right.
Maher is Islam, bro.
And actually the Sahaba, you know, they said
something really beautiful.
They said, نعم المهر مهر أم سليم.
They said the best maher in our time
was the maher of Um Suleim.
Although her wali did go to check him
out, make sure he was good, but that
was his maher.
رضي الله عنه.
Now that takes us to the means or
steps for marriage.
We'll spend a lot of time on this,
like, over the next few months.
But we know that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa
Ta-A'la says very clearly وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ
أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجَ لِتَسْكُونُوا إِلَيَّةً
وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً This is the purpose
of marriage.
Amongst his signs, the signs of Allah is
that he created for you from yourselves mates
that you may find tranquility in them and
he placed between you affection and mercy.
Sakeen is from the same word as sukoon.
You know sukoon when there's no vowel mark?
Because it's quiet, right?
It doesn't mean, don't take this the wrong
way if you're married, man.
But what it means is sakeen is tranquility.
There's functionality.
There's a vibe.
So he placed between you affection, mawadda and
rahma.
Imam Nasafi is a great Hanafi scholar from
Samarqand.
He said Allah has placed affection and mercy
between you because of marriage.
That's the purpose of marriage is mawadda and
rahma.
Al-Hasan al-Basri said that the affection,
affection the first, mawadda is a metaphor for
intimacy and rahma refers to children.
It has also been said that affection, mawadda
is when you're young because mawadda is a
hot love.
It's a physical love and this is beautiful
and rahma, when you're physically inadequate, how do
you show your hot love for each other?
Your character.
You see them OGs walking, holding hands, taking
care of one another, looking after one another.
That's rahma.
So the first step is the khitbah.
Khitbah is from the same word as khutbah
and that comes from a word which means
to speak to someone in a way that
will nicely influence them.
Same for the khutbah.
According to the Hanafi school, we'll talk about
that later on, but khitbah is the process
of proposal.
Right?
Before we get into the specifics of that,
let's talk about what should we be looking
for.
And of course, there's parts in here that
you need to fill in for yourself.
Like SubhanAllah, you shouldn't hear someone give this
talk and be like, okay, no, you have
your own.
Also, you have your own things that you're
looking for.
Like that's very important.
So number one is the person should be
religious and religious means two things.
They're on a spiritual trajectory.
They observe the fard as best they can.
And if they have trouble with the fard,
but at least they tell you like, yeah,
I know, man, I'm trying.
It's different than someone's like, I'm not doing
this.
And then they should have good character.
Good character is part of religion.
That's why in the hadith of the prophet,
peace be upon him, he said, if a
man comes to you and his religion and
character please you, then marry him.
If not, there'll be like fitna in the
earth, there'll be trials in the earth.
But notice how he said religion and character.
Question here is, isn't character part of deen?
He said his religion and his character, her
religion and her character.
Isn't character part of religion?
Why would he mention in isolation?
This is unique to the Arabic language.
Like Allah says in Surah Baqarah, whoever is
the enemy of Allah and his angels and
his prophets.
And Gabriel and Michael, but you just said
angels.
Why are you mentioning Gabriel and Michael?
In Surah Asr, those who cooperate to the
truth and those who cooperate on resilience.
Resilience is part of truth.
Why is it mentioned in isolation?
In Arabic, we have a unique usage that
says, meaning that you mentioned something as a
universal and then you conjunct it to part
of its particular to highlight how crucial that
is to that universal.
Best example I can give you is sports,
right?
You don't say the Boston Celtics without who?
Boston Celtics and?
All right.
I'm with you, I'm with you, I'm with
you.
Today.
You're such a Lakers fan, bro.
Boston Celtics and Jason Tatum.
Isn't Jason Tatum part of the Celtics?
He is.
Why is he mentioned in isolation?
Because he's essential to the functionality.
Okay, I'll give another example.
Chicken biryani.
Isn't the chicken part of the biryani?
Why are you mentioned in isolation?
Oh yeah, okay, thank God.
I've seen such a white guy for a
while.
He's really white there for a minute.
Chicken biryani.
Why are you mentioned the chicken in isolation?
To highlight its essential role in the palate.
Same thing happens, okay, then just eat the
rice and you answer the question.
Yeah, you're laughing at me.
Okay, just bring him some rice, man.
Okay, so you mentioned like what's in isolation
to highlight it's essential to the functionality or
the benefit of something.
So here when the Prophet Salaam said his
religion and his character is the same principle
here.
Characters mentioned in isolation to highlight how important
it is to marriage.
Got it now?
Do I need to talk about rodeo and
bulls?
Okay, now I feel super white.
Point is, he's mentioning character to highlight how
central it is to deen.
And so when we hear people say, marry
someone that's religious, we think, oh, do they
pray?
You know, like, are they involved in the
masjid?
That's important, but you want to make sure
they're going to be good to you.
Make sure they love you.
Make sure they're patient with you.
Make sure they care for you.
Make sure, as I like to tell people,
how can they make you feel valued?
And what do you need to feel valued?
And what do they need to feel valued?
That's character.
Religion is part of that.
Okay, the next is that they should come
from a family that's known to be good
people.
That can be a little difficult nowadays, man.
It's not as easy as it used to
be.
The next, and scholars talk about this now
because of the genetic issues that are happening,
they should be unrelated.
We know sometimes that when families intermarry a
lot, it can lead to some potential genetic
issues.
There's a statement of some of the scholars,
marry from outside your family so that you
don't weaken.
The next, they should be a virgin.
We're going to talk about that in a
second because the Prophet ﷺ said to Jabir,
why did you not marry a virgin so
that you can play with one another?
Here we have to ask ourselves a question,
though.
How many virgins did the Prophet ﷺ marry?
One.
So if we have an action of the
Prophet ﷺ and a report of the Prophet
ﷺ, actions are louder than words.
It's the axiom in Islamic law.
What we find as an action is given
preference.
Not all scholars agree with this, by the
way.
This is my own reflection, so feel free
not to agree with me.
But the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ is
to Sayyidina Jabir ibn Abdillah, he had old
sisters and his father died, I believe as
a martyr in Uhud.
And there was no one to care for
his sisters and he needed to get married.
So he actually married an older woman for
a number of reasons.
Number one for his sister, subhanAllah, they were
too young.
He said, I need someone that can still,
you know, sort of model for my sisters
what it means to grow up.
Number two is that the woman he married,
even though she was much more older than
him, her father, he died a martyr in
Badr.
As I remember, I could be wrong in
my memory and he felt like it would
be honorable to marry the daughter of someone
who died as a martyr.
So the statement of the Prophet ﷺ is
specific to Jabir.
It's to everybody or specific to Jabir ibn
Abdillah, especially when the actions of the Prophet
ﷺ don't align with this, don't align with
this point.
In fact, we know that the Prophet ﷺ,
he married Sayyidina Khadijah.
She was older than him by, you know,
I don't necessarily agree with a large number
of years, people tell you, because she had
a lot of kids.
So she obviously wasn't in her 50s, but
she was older than the Prophet ﷺ.
Also, man, we have to be careful about
commodifying virginity, man.
People make mistakes, they repent, they get their
life together.
We'll talk about this in the future.
Those mistakes should not be told to anybody,
they don't have to be revealed.
Imam Atik mentions the muwatta.
If a man's daughter was living wild and
came back to Allah and someone comes to
propose to her and she doesn't, we'll talk
about in the future, there's nothing that can
be carried over into the marriage from her
past.
Like say, like a sexually transmitted disease, okay?
Then it is an obligation not to tell
anybody, because Allah hid this.
So when you're talking to someone, they're like,
tell me about your past.
You ain't married in my past.
But we'll get into that later on.
The next, choosing a partner from a noble
lineage.
What this means to choosing, you know, in
those times this had much more of a
sort of importance to have like a tribal
sort of world, but now I want to
think about family compatibility.
Finally, choosing a partner who does not have
excessive family interference.
This is recommended by jurists.
What did Malcolm say?
In-laws are outlaws.
We're going to talk about that in the
future.
What happens if the mother-in-law says,
I don't want you with this in your
house.
I don't want this in your house.
We're going to get into that.
That's functionality, because that stuff destabilizes family every
day.
But finding a spouse who maintains healthy boundaries
with their family is essential.
If excessive family involvement can strain a marriage,
it can take away your agency that is
going to be needed when you have kids.
Because when you have kids, every day you
make an ishtihad, man.
Every day you have to, you gotta, yeah,
he knows he's got babies.
Every day.
Whether with parents, siblings, or relatives.
While family connections are essential in Islam, too
much interference, especially from parents, may cause friction
between the spouses, may lead to dysfunctionality.
Imam Ahmed emphasized the need to limit external
influences that might negatively impact the marital relationship.
We'll talk about how that looks later on.
Now we're doing, it's an abstraction because that's
not where we are in our class.
It is also recommended to avoid living with
extended family after marriage, as this can sometimes
disrupt the formation of a strong marital bond,
unless there is a financial necessity to do
so.
Right?
Or there's a need, maybe they're choosing a
husband.
So when thinking about a husband, first of
all, women, I'm sure you know more about
this than me.
So again, you have your own sort of
thoughts, good.
Right?
But one of them I mentioned earlier, outside
of religion, of course, is the capacity for
kindness.
And that's why I believe instead of having
marriage courses, which are important, we also need
to have mentorship, where people that are interested
in marriage can be mentored by married people
for like six months or so.
Just say, hey, stop watching 90 Day Fiance,
you know what I mean?
Come live with me.
Come hang out with a guy.
No, seriously.
We did that in Northern California.
It was very successful.
People really, because you see the good and
the bad.
But you have to sign like, you know,
a disclosure clause.
So in choosing a spouse, we want to
think about, number one, marriage, as far as
financial ability, emotional ability, psychological ability.
There should be, we'll talk about it later
on, physical attraction in a realistic way, not
rooted in Western constructions of beauty, which are
really, really bleached and destabilizing and unrealistic.
And then you want to think about your
needs.
And when you go home, you should ask
yourself this question, if you're not married, like,
what am I looking at?
Like, what brings me value in a relationship?
When I first met my wife, Miriam, you
know, I asked her, like, what brings you
value?
She's like, being hurt, being hurt.
And then she said, what do you do?
I was like, I'm a speaker, man.
She's like, oops.
If I'm a really good listener, I swear
to God.
And we'll finish up today talking about one
more thing, and that is the ruling, because
the next thing is to see the person.
So you know what you want?
You have, like, if you think about a
cereal box, these are your macros in a
relationship.
These are the additives.
What are your macros?
Don't just tell me Islam.
Oh, Islam.
Islam and what?
Right?
You want to be able to, you can't
pull marriage off with Sunday school answers, man.
You've got to think a little different.
So oftentimes, we hear about the gaze, right?
It is expected to hear, you know, whether
on social media, TikTok, you know, memes again.
It's expected to hear that the default ruling
for looking at others is that it is
haram, except in cases of necessity or need.
However, such statements do not align with the
Quran, the Sunnah, and the functionality of Islamic
law.
In Arabic, forgive me for this, but this
is sort of important.
We have articles of preposition are very important
in Islamic law.
That's why most books of Islamic legal theory,
there's like chapters dedicated.
These are the most important articles of preposition.
You got to know them in order to
be a jurist.
If you don't, be quiet.
And one of them is min.
Min means from, you know, I traveled min
Qahira, from Cairo.
I traveled min Addis.
I traveled from, you know, Lagos.
I traveled from Tacoma Park.
From.
Another word of min means, another meaning of
min is part.
So if I say in Arabic, I ate
from the bread.
No, some of the bread.
So one of the meanings of min is
from, part of, not the whole thing.
So pay attention in Surah An-Nur verse
30, verse 30 from chapter 24.
It says, say to the believing men, and
we know later on, say to the believing
women, you lose the translation to English, to
lower their gaze.
But it says min their gaze.
What does that mean?
From their gaze?
Are you traveling from someone's gaze?
What kind of min do you think this
is?
Where are the min at?
What kind of min is this?
Is it min that means from, or some
of?
So it means lower what?
Some of your gaze.
It's conditioned on something.
It's not all your gaze.
And the proof is that the verse says,
and protect their private parts.
It says, protect some of their private parts.
I said everything.
So the answer is in the verse.
But the problem is, we don't study Arabic
anymore.
This is for the Arabs too, with all
respect.
It's not, this is not hard.
You know what's hard for me?
Understanding Amr Diab.
I tried listening to him.
I tried listening to Tamer Hosni.
Man, I couldn't understand one word.
I said, man, what is this language?
Okay.
I got albi.
I got, you know, hub.
Yeah.
Other than that, I was like, man, I
need Google translate, bro.
Okay.
With respect.
If you speak Arabic.
So the order of the gaze is sometimes
lower, but the order to protect our awrah,
our private parts, completely.
The answer is in the verse.
That's why Al-Qari Abu Bakr ibn al
-Arabi, the great jurist, he said, Allah included
the preposition min, it's in this document, which
implies partiality or limitation in the command to
lower the gaze.
He then mentioned, protect your private parts without
restrictions, without min.
Sometimes if you feel like you're, especially I
know my daughter, you know, I'm born with
a family who speaks Arabic.
I don't speak Arabic.
I'm the worst person in the world.
No, you're not.
If you read the Quran regularly, you'll start
to see patterns.
Wallahi, you'll learn language.
It's in your blood, man.
Like don't, don't feel defeated.
The scholars have three opinions about what this
means.
This min, which doesn't agree with tick tock
ox.
We'll tell you walking on the street, you
just gotta look down, bro.
You know, at school, just look down, bro.
On the subway, just look down, bro.
No, there may be certain things I need
to look away from, but not everything.
The first opinion, lowering the gaze is applied
to prohibitions.
Meaning, what's haram?
Because lowering it from what is lawful is
not obligatory, whereas lowering it from what is
prohibited is an obligation as best we can.
For this reason, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
used min, implying partiality, in relation to lowering
the gaze.
The second opinion, not all looking is forbidden,
as the first and second glances are permissible,
but anything after that is prohibited.
On the other hand, there is nothing related,
right, again, to the idea of the private
parts being limited.
The third, some forms of looking are forbidden,
such as looking at non-mahram individuals, while
others are permissible, such as looking at one's
spouse or others, or relatives, in contrast to
private parts, once again, are unconditional.
Strong opinions is conditioned that you don't look
at the haram.
Maybe someone says, bro, do you know where
we live?
I do know where we live.
I used to live on 15th and V.
What we have to understand also is that
when there is something that is prohibited, and
we're in a place where it's almost impossible
to get away from it, we just do
our best.
We should practice self-restraint and responsibility.
Imam al-Jassas is a great Hanafi, also
from right, Iran, Tehran, this area outside of
up in the northern part of Tehran.
He said, it is understood from it, it's
apparent, meaning that this is a command to
lower the gaze from what is haram for
us to look at.
Not y'all.
What's forbidden?
The explicit mention of what is forbidden to
look at has been omitted, relying on the
understanding of the audience to understand it for
themselves.
I love that he says that.
He's not going to give you everything.
Classic scholars didn't give you everything.
He said, look, you figure it out.
You swim.
You learn how to work.
Next week or week after, we'll continue talking
about lowering the gaze and functionality.
And then we'll talk about, you know, seeing
a potential spouse and what that means.
If there's any questions, we can take them
now.
If not, Barak Allahu Fiqh.