Sikander Hashmi – Secrets for Happier Homes KMA Friday Message
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Respected elders, dear brothers and sisters, my young
friends,
Believe it or not, we are about halfway
through the
summer.
And we know that one of the things
that tends to happen during
the summer season
are weddings,
And it's wonderful to see
so many of our brothers and sisters, you
know, getting married
or looking to get married. This is a
great sunnah of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
This is something which is highly virtuous and
highly encouraged, especially if it is done with
the right intentions.
And as you probably know, our deen, our
religion, places great importance
on the family and family bonds
because the family is the building block
of society.
And if the family is healthy and the
home is healthy, then the
community will become healthy. And once the community
is healthier, then society will become healthy as
Now we have probably heard about virtues and
guidance, you know, regarding the conduct of spouses
with each other and,
the parents and the children and grand grandparents
and so on. So I'm not going to
go into that and repeat those today.
But the reality
is, my brothers and sisters,
is that as, you know, we see new
couples, new families
forming,
we also see rapidly escalating and growing challenges
as well. Right? So this is a reality
that those who are on the front lines
observe almost every day in our communities
that as the family number of families and
marriages grows, as the community grows, then the
number of challenges and case number of cases
of, you know, homes and families where there
are struggles and challenges are also increasing as
well for various reasons.
So
today, I'd like to share some tips to
avoid feuds within families.
Now
the home is meant to be
not just a place of physical shelter,
but rather the home is meant to be
a place of sukoon,
of peace,
of tranquility.
And when that happens, when the home is
truly a home in a true sense,
then there are,
a multitude of benefits that occur as a
result.
And when that peace and tranquility is lacking,
when it is missing, for whatever reason inside
the home, then there can be many
spin off effects, many side effects, and many
harms as well.
Now you see, family I like to think
of families as teams.
Right? If even one player is out of
line,
then it affects everyone.
And ultimately,
it affects the success of the team.
There are lots of benefits and, you know,
research proves this as well. That there are
many benefits for ourselves
to be part of
a team of family members mentally,
spiritually, emotionally.
And there are benefits, of course, as I
said, for society as well. But it requires
sacrifice from everyone.
It requires
a sacrifice from everyone. Just like if you
are on a sports team,
you know, you can't be a member of
the team and say that I don't want
anyone to tell me what to do.
I'm gonna do whatever I feel like doing.
I'm gonna show up for practice when I
feel like it. Okay? I don't wanna listen
to the coach. Okay.
I know what I'm doing. Okay. Nobody should
tell me what to do. Like, you can't
be a successful team player and you can't
have a team that succeeds
if the players on the team have that
type of attitude. Right? So that means that
we have to sacrifice.
Right? Being a part of a team means
that if you want the team to succeed,
we need to be making personal sacrifices. And
sometimes those sacrifices, you know, may not be
very pleasant.
Right? Sometimes we have to give up what
we feel like doing. Right? Sometimes we have
to make compromises. Sometimes we have to do
things for others, right, to support other team
members. We have to give up, you know,
our desires. We have to give up our
choices sometimes, or we have to compromise upon
them. So
it requires
sacrifice from everyone.
We must also remember, my brothers and sisters,
that our individual choices
and responses to situations
have an impact on the state of our
family.
Right? So we may think that, you know
what? I'm making a choice, a decision that's
for myself, and it primarily
I think it affects me alone. But the
reality is
that, you know,
our health affects
the well-being of our family.
Though our level of stress affects
our family. Our
level or state of spirituality
has an impact on the rest of the
family.
Our mental state has an effect on our
family. The activities that we choose to do
will have direct or indirect effects and impacts
upon our family as well. Now what is
surprising, subhanAllah, is that so many of our
brothers and sisters, right, so many of us
know and we even practice
and we talk about so much about, you
know, good character and morals, you know, with
our neighbors, with our colleagues,
with our friends, with strangers.
But subhanAllah, so many times it's a completely
different story at home. Right? It's like when
we enter the door, we leave all those
good teachings, we check them out, we leave
them at the door, and then we enter
as a completely different person. Right? So let
us keep in mind, and this is a
reminder for myself and all of us, that
all the teachings regarding good conduct,
regarding good character,
they
apply to family members and our spouses as
well, meaning our conduct towards them as well.
Now
because we are human beings,
we are not angels,
and we live in this world, we don't
live in Jannah, we don't live in paradise,
2 things are practically guaranteed.
K? And they're not pleasant.
Number 1, that mistakes will be made.
If you're aiming to be in a relationship,
in a marriage, in a family, in a
home where no mistakes will be made,
you're in the wrong place. Right? Because that's
only gonna happen in Jannah. That's not gonna
happen in Tanzania. K? Number 1. And number
2, there will be disagreements and disputes.
Right? Because
we are, you know, we are dealing with
human beings. We're not angels and we're living
in the dunya which is not Jannah.
But how we respond
often determines
how the situation ends up. Right? So it's
not the fact that there will be well,
not it's not a question about, you know,
about whether, you know, mistakes will be made
or whether whether there will be disagreements.
Right? But the question is rather about how
we choose to respond
to those
differences, to those situations.
Now before I get into the tips
disclaimer that, you know, there is absolutely no
justification
for abuse,
for oppression.
So if the situation is at that point,
then maybe these tips may not apply, and
you probably
seriously should get help.
So here are a few factors that can
prevent family feuds and improve
relationships
within families. Number 1, my brothers and sisters,
is to express
gratitude,
compassion,
and love.
Right? Not just to feel it but to
express it. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam was
kind and loving, right, to his children, to
his wives.
And let us know also that people express
love differently, and this is actually very important.
Right? Because sometimes, we find that family members
are on different frequencies.
So they actually have similar sentiments.
They have good positive sentiments,
but it's not coming across to the other
person.
So the most common ways,
the experts say, of expressing love are 5.
So words of affirmation, so actually to say
it with words, to express it with words,
but also to spend quality time
or acts of service to do khidma, to
serve,
physical touch, and the giving of gifts. So
these are different ways. These are different ways
that love can be expressed,
and it could be that one member of
the family is expressing it in one way,
but the other or others
are not reading, are not understanding
those expressions of love because they are expecting
a different form
of expression.
But rather, the sentiments are the same actually,
but it's just not coming across because the
way of communicating that love, that care, that
compassion, and that gratitude
is different.
Thanking others
is a teaching of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam. First of all, as believers, we're
taught to be grateful servants to Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala first and foremost. But then the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam also famously said
that
that whoever does not thank people has not
thanked Allah
It has not properly thanked Allah
Perhaps one of the wisdoms is is that
when we get into the habit of thanking
people,
it builds
our habit
of
expressing thanks and we will also do thank
express thanks to Allah. It makes us more
grateful. Yes? So, expressing thanks to Allah
but also expressing thanks to the people who
are in our lives.
Smiling, we know oftentimes we say it's charity.
Right? But the question is when was the
last time that we've smiled to our family
members?
Smile to one another, we meet one another,
friends, coworkers, colleagues, neighbors, strangers, hi. How are
you? You know, real smile, fake smile, whatever
it is, but at least it's a smile.
Right? So when you're going to the home,
let us try to go with a smile
as well, try to find opportunities to share
smiles and laughs with our family members. So
that's number 1. Number 2, my brothers and
sisters,
is to be easygoing and kind towards one
another. Right? Not always be sometimes there may
be situations, but not always be, you know,
uptight and demanding and rude and stern, you
know, like like, you you know, I don't
know, like, you're some some kind of dictator
and, like, you're trying to maintain, you know,
authority and control, you know, in your kingdom.
And this could apply to the husband or
the wife or whoever. Right? So being easygoing
and kind
towards one another, not being uptight and demanding
and stern and rude. The prophet
said
that that whoever is kind, affable, and easygoing,
Allah will forbid him from entering the *
fire. Forbid him or her from entering the
* fire. Right? So these are qualities
which are loved by Allah
to be kind, to be affable, and to
be easygoing. And not does not mean easygoing
towards your own responsibilities. Right? So you have
responsibility and say, no, my ma'am said, you
know, we should be easygoing, so I'm gonna
take it easy. That's not the point. Right?
The point is with regards to others, right,
towards when it comes to others, you know,
we are easygoing, affable,
and kind towards them. So that's number 2.
Just not always, you know, being in a
in a, like, heightened
state of, like, of, I don't know, you
know, like, alertness and just, like, it's having,
like, super high expectations of everyone and expecting
perfection, but just just just chill, you know,
essentially, just chill out a bit. Number 3,
gentleness. Because Aisha
relates famously from the prophet
that he said,
That verily gentleness is not found in anything
except that it beautifies it, and it is
not removed from anything
except that it disgraces it. So gentleness is
this
beautiful but also, you know, critical quality. If
it goes into something, it's going to make
it beautiful. And if it's taken out, what
is it gonna do? Is it it's gonna
disgrace it. Right? It's gonna it's gonna make
it bad. So, for example, something needs to
be said, something needs to be done. You
know, it doesn't have to be harsh. You
know, you can try this we can all
try to say things in a nicer way.
Now we can understand sometimes, you know, our
emotions get the best of us. We're under
stress. We're frustrated. We're angry. But always, let's
try to take a step back and think
about what are we trying to achieve and
what is the best way of achieving that.
You know, what is the best thing I
can say? What is the best thing you
can say to that will help in facilitating
that goal and trying to get to your
point across? So gentleness in everything that we
try to do. Even the way we handle
people, we touch, you know, children, we carry
babies,
you know, just the way we we we
carry ourselves. Let us try to just slow
down and try to be gentle, hit someone.
You know, just sincerely apologizing and showing remorse,
that can go a long way. You know?
Sometimes, we may continue to argue, and this
may be a bad habit. So, you know,
if it exists, we should try to seek
help in overcoming it so that, you know,
we don't continue doing that. Right? Just just
stop. Someone's offended.
Something was wrong. Even though we don't get
it, we don't think it was wrong, but
somebody was offended or hurt by something that
we said or did, simply apologize and recognize
that, okay, that was hurtful.
Number 5, my brothers and sisters, is a
very important one that has to do with
anger. Because you see some situations can lead
to anger. Right? It happens.
But we need to keep that anger in
check. Right? The advice of the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam to the companion who came and
asked, you know, advise me, he said,
do not get angry.
You know? And it is said that some
are swift to anger
and swift to cool down.
The one characteristic making up for the other.
Right? So they're swift to anger, but then
they also cool down quickly. Some are slow
to anger
but then slow to cool down. The one
characteristic making up for the other. Right? So
they get don't get angry right away, but
when they do, then it takes them a
long time to get over it. So once
again, the one characteristic makes up for the
other.
But it said the best of you are
those who are slow to anger
and swift to cool down.
Right? So that is what we should try
to develop, that it takes a lot to
make us upset.
And when we do go do get upset,
then we are quick to cool down. And
it said that the worst of you are
those who are swift to anger and slow
to cool down.
So you get angry fast over little things
very quickly.
Right? And then
it takes forever
for you to cool down and to get
over it. So that is the characteristic we
want to avoid and the characteristics we want
to build is that it takes us a
long time to get upset and angry. And
when we do get upset, then we cool
down quickly. And we can all work on
that inshallah. Allah says in the Quran regarding
the believers, regarding
the people of of and the good believers
that they are those who donate in prosperity
and adversity
and they control their anger
and they pardon others. So Allah
specifically mentions these characteristics and these qualities in
the Quran.
Quran. And Allah
loves the good doers. My brothers and sisters,
especially my brothers, be very careful with the
words of divorce. This is a very very
serious issue. Right? If you find in your
lingo, in your regular conversations
regularly happening day to day that you're mentioning
the words of talaq, you're mentioning the words
of divorce, this is a serious problem,
Like, you need to address this ASAP as
soon as possible. This should not be happening.
The word of the word of divorce should
be a major thick red line
that you never endeavor to cross except when
you have thought it through and you've talked
to someone and you are in your senses.
You know? Too many times, we find the
situation.
You know? A couple comes and say, okay.
What happened? Oh, well, the words of talaqah
be mentioned like I don't know how many
times. I mentioned this before previously. A few
days a few weeks ago, I think. Right?
So please be very, very careful.
This word should not be in your vocabulary
unless
you have thought about it and you are
ready to accept its consequences.
Right? Otherwise, it can have very, very serious
implications for you, your family, your well-being.
Please, please, please do not play with this
word and do not take it lightly. And
you find that it's happening, then you absolutely
need to get help. Okay? Because it should
not be happening and let that be clear,
please.
And I say this out of caring concern
for you and your well-being and for your
family. Number 6, my brothers and sisters, is
to turn anger into support. Now what do
I mean by that? See, it's natural to
become angry, something that's bad or, you know,
had annoying traits,
but that's not gonna get results.
Right? Somebody does something, you get angry, right,
whoever it is, husband, wife, whoever. Right? Shouts,
gets angry, you know, yells,
but it's not gonna help solve the problem.
Right? If what if it was gonna solve
the problem, it would have been solved solved,
like, a long time ago. Right? The first
time that you shouted and yelled. Right? But
it's not productive. It doesn't lead to any
good result.
So a better way is to try to
help the family member recognize
their problem with compassion,
you know, then support them in overcoming the
struggle. Right? Because, yes, maybe there is a
problem. Right? Like, everyone's gonna have some issues.
Okay? But if you work as a team
to try to lift each other up
and try to get that person to succeed
and overcome that challenge, then everyone succeeds. Because
once again, it's a team.
Number 7,
be giving by forgiving
and overlooking mistakes. And I know that this
is easier said than done. No one can
be forced to forgive, by the way. You
know, sometimes I hear people said, okay, I
have apologized now, you must forgive me. No.
That's not how it works.
That's not how it works. Okay. You said,
I'm sorry, I apologize, now you must forgive
me. No. It's not something that you can
force.
Right? You have to win a person's heart
and bring them to the point where they're
ready to forgive.
But yes,
we have been given much encouragement to forgive
and pardon. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says,
Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not
love to be forgiven by Allah? And Allah
is all forgiving, most merciful. So yes, we
are encouraged to forgive and we should forgive.
But you cannot force someone to forgive.
Yes. It's gotta come from within themselves and
there is, like I said, much encouragement in
the Quran and the the teachings of the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam to forgive.
Shaitan is playing with and he's trying to
put doubts, you know, about one another. Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala makes it very clear.
Yeah. Believers avoid being excessively suspicious
in and about the
You
know, for some suspicion is a sin and
do not spy nor backbite one another.
Yes? So this suspicion about others because sometimes
I actually see you know, I see in
families and situations where, you you know, there's
actually like, there's actually nothing happening.
Okay. There's actually nothing. Like like, in essence,
there's nothing wrong happening,
but it's these doubts and suspicions that have
grown.
And sometimes it's because of actions that lead
to erosion of trust, so we have to
be careful about maintaining trust as well. But
don't let shaitan
eat into your home, in your peace, in
your relationships
because of baseless doubts.
You know? Yes. If you see a pattern
of behavior and there's real evidence, then don't
be gullible either. Seek advice,
get help, but try to fight negative thoughts
about suspicions unless there's some actual evidence.
Unless you actually have some evidence, you let
you really know clearly that something is happening,
you found something. Other than that, you know,
don't always be in a state of doubt
and suspicion because it's just gonna eat up
your your peace of mind, and it's gonna
eat up your relationships
as well.
Also know that, you know, sometimes stress, anxiety,
mental health struggles, which are very real, can
lead people to behave in ways that they
normally don't,
and it's very challenging. I accept it. It's
very, very challenging because you have a family
member who's struggling through mental health challenges. They
say and they do things which may be
offensive or which may be annoying,
but they're not actually that's not them. They're
doing that because of their illness or because
of their struggle.
Physical illness, you can see. If somebody is
hurt, you can see that they have a
cut they have an injury. They have a
broken arm. You know, they have whatever, you
know, whatever injury they have or sickness that
they have. But when it comes to mental
health challenges, it's very hard to tell sometimes.
Right? So you think that this person is
behaving this way and you're you're fed up
and you're frustrated,
but in reality, they themselves are actually a
victim as well because they are, you know,
going through this illness, which is not really
visible, which cannot be seen.
Quickly now, have a process for resolving disagreements.
You know, understand the other person's position,
try to validate their feelings, try to explain
yours calmly, try to find compromise and seek
help. You know, the Sahaba used to go
to the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. They
would accept his advice and decision. So have
people that you all, you know, as a
family, you look up to and you respect
and that you can go out to for
advice and for help when you need it.
And finally, my brothers and sisters, look for
positives. Try to push away the negatives. No
one is perfect. And if you try to
look for faults, that is all what you're
gonna see.
So train yourself to try to look for
the positives.
Positive thinking, try to appreciate even little things,
and try to encourage and uplift. As Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us,
If you dislike them in any manner, it
may be that you dislike something in which
Allah has placed much good for you. Right?
And the is addressing the men but it
applies both ways. If you dislike
your partner, your spouse in some way, it
may be that you dislike something in which
Allah has placed for you. Maybe there is
for you in this relationship. There is for
you in this person.
Most importantly, be a person of taqwa, especially
in your relation to your actions towards others.
And that will also encourage your family members
to also adapt the path of taqwa towards
others, including
you. Finally, my brothers and sisters, know that
each position in the family has something that
they naturally crave.
Each position in the family has something that
they naturally crave. And our deen teaches us
to give it to them. So for example,
children, what do they crave? Mercy and loving
care.
That is what children are looking for most.
Youth, what are they looking for? They're looking
for freedom with support.
The wife, mother, what is she looking for?
Attention and love. The husband, the father, what
is he looking for? Respect and loyalty.
The grandparents, what are they looking for? Respect
and kindness.
So if you give each member of the
family what they are naturally craving,
you will see many problems melt away, inshallah.
And if you follow the Quran teachings of
Allah and his messenger salallahu alayhi wa sallam,
this is what they are teaching us to
do. They're not teaching us to tea to
treat every single member of the family in
the same way.
Paint them all with the same brush. Treat
them exactly the same way. No. Your approach
has to be different for each member of
the family because each one has different needs,
psychologically as well in other ways, and each
one is looking for something different that Allah
has designed them with. So if we give
them that, you will see that many of
the issues will go away. We ask Allah
to bless all the homes and families in
our community and beyond. Ask Allah
to remove misunderstanding and hardships and replace them
with love, unity, and understanding.
Let's take a break, and
we will continue.