Sikander Hashmi – Safe Homes KMA Friday Message
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AI: Transcript ©
Mohammad
For my brothers and sisters
who are married, I'm sure
that when you got married,
you did so
with the expectation
of a peaceful and a happy life ahead.
And for those who are not yet married,
Insha'Allah, I'm sure that that is what you
will be looking for
when it is time for you to get
married.
My brothers and sisters, no one
gets married
and starts a family seeking stress
and conflict
and pain.
Nobody is even thinking about that
on the day when their niqah is done
and when they are getting
married or even in the lead up to
marriage.
No one says I'm gonna get married so
that I can have stress in my life.
Let me get married so that I can
have some pain and suffering in my life.
Nobody does it with that intention.
Doesn't even think about it at that time.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells
us that one of the main objectives of
marriage
is to obtain
peace and tranquility.
Suqun.
And
the Arabic word for home
also is linked to
peace and tranquility.
Right. The muskan
or the second.
Right. From sukoon and sakinah.
A place
of peace
and tranquility.
So the entire objective,
right, or the idea behind having
a home
that is
alive
with family,
husband, and wife, and if Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala blesses them with children, you know, with
their children,
the whole idea there is that this environment
is
meant to be an environment of peace and
tranquility.
1
that gives
those qualities
to to the inhabitants of the home
and the members of the family.
But sadly, my brothers and sisters, in many
cases,
the
home is not that anymore.
And marriages,
in many cases, are no longer a source
of peace and tranquility.
That's not how it started off.
When the home was being settled, when the
family was
being made,
that was not the plan, that was not
the intention
that there should be a family or a
home without peace and tranquility, but it ends
up being that, unfortunately.
And instead, we find that there is tension,
there are conflicts,
there are threats,
and in some cases, there are also there's
also violence.
Now, of course, there may be a number
of root causes
depending on the situation.
So perhaps one of the parties is acting
unreasonably.
That's possible.
Maybe there was a a clash
of personalities
or maybe there's a clash
of values,
differences of opinion.
Maybe there are some anger management issues. Right?
A person, one of the parties, or
worse, even both of them, are unable to
control their anger and channel their anger constructively
and positively.
Perhaps there are external
stressors or external triggers that are causing
stress. Maybe there are financial issues due to
the loss of a job, as an example.
Employment. Right? Or perhaps other issues.
Sometimes you find that there are mental health
issues,
which developed over time, or maybe they were
not a parent at the time of marriage,
or they were not divulged.
And it comes up in the course
of life, in the course of the relationship.
Sometimes there are children who are misbehaving.
Right? Either when they're young or even when
they're growing older,
and there's a a clash or a difference
on how to deal with that situation or
who is responsible
for that situation. And there, of course, there
could be many, many other factors. We can
spend the entire day here if we start
going through the different factors that we come
across.
But my brothers and sisters, what let's be
clear though, is that no matter what the
circumstances,
there are certain boundaries that cannot be crossed.
No matter what situation we are in,
whether it's at home or even in the
work or anywhere else, there are certain boundaries,
a code of conduct
that we cannot step outside of as believers.
And
part of that code and part of that
boundary
is that violence is never an option. Violence
is never an
option. Violence
is never an option because it is never
going to help
make the situation better.
If you want to try to make the
situation better,
violence is not going to be the solution.
It's not going to be the answer.
And
if we are not trying to make the
situation better,
then even then,
violence is not an option because it is
going to cause harm, and it is going
to cause further problems
for the one who is at the receiving
end, but also for the one who is
causing it as well.
Now
this is not necessarily, you know, a new
problem. These are not new issues that I
have mentioned.
Although we may be seeing
a greater occurrence of such challenges and such
issues now.
Now this is a challenge also, my brothers
and sisters, that does not distinguish between rich
and poor, does not distinguish between educated and
not educated,
or ethnicity and religion.
And, unfortunately, you know, our communities are no
exception either. And in fact,
in, in some shelters, even locally here in
Ottawa,
there is a disproportionately
high number of Muslims,
Muslim women and Muslim children, Muslim,
Muslim women I was gonna say girls, but
boys and girls, children who are there with
their mothers. And sometimes there are even the
majority of the inhabitants at these shelters,
right, which is actually very tragic if you
think about it. Right? Because, of course, the
Muslim population, right, in in the region, in
the city is probably around 10% or so,
maybe a little bit more.
But what we find is at these shelters,
sometimes even the majority of of of inhabitants
are actually Muslims. Right? We have sisters,
in our community, you know, from time to
time who will get appeals or calls from
the shelters
that, you know, we need
appropriate clothing for the Muslim inhabitants.
You know, we need abayas, we need hijabs,
we need halal food, and so on and
so forth. Right? So, it's great
that our sisters here locally are able and
and our community is able to assist, but
really this this this is a very troubling
scenario and
a and a and a very concerning,
you know,
situation that
that there are, first of all, Muslims, our
sisters, our children who are finding themselves,
at these shelters. And by the way, nobody
goes to a shelter because they want to.
Nobody goes to a shelter because they wanna
have fun or, you know, they really feel
like going and living in a shelter. It's
really not a pleasant place to be in.
Right? So if somebody is there, most chances
are that they're actually there for a very
good reason.
There's no question
that
violence,
physical, emotional, psychological pain is being felt every
day in many Muslim homes. And in many
cases, we don't hear about it.
Statistics Canada tells us, general statistics,
that,
women and girls represent in 2021, women and
girls represented
2 thirds, so 69% of family violence victims.
So in 2021,
in Canada,
69%
of family violence victims were women and girls.
And
the rate of family violence
was more than 2 times higher for women
and girls than for men and boys. So
it's not to say that men and boys
cannot be or are not victims of family
violence. They are also. But the proportion of
women and girls is higher than that of
men and boys.
On any given day in Canada, more than
3,000 women along with their children, 2,500
children approximately,
are living in an emergency shelter to escape
family violence.
My brothers and sisters, we know that Allah
has
put many responsibilities,
you know, on
adults in a family, because children are innocent.
Right? But the adults in the family have
responsibilities upon them. And Allah
has put responsibilities
on men, and Allah has put responsibilities
on women also.
But
we know that there are many responsibilities
upon men.
And whenever there is more responsibility,
which translates into more power, it also means
that there is greater accountability
as well. And especially for those who are
under our care. Right? So sometimes people wish,
oh, I wish, you know, I was the
prime minister. I wish I was, you know,
the president of of the company, of the
country, or whatever. You know, I wonder how
it would have been if I had been
the king, you know, or queen or whatever.
Right? But the reality is that whenever you
are in that position or whoever is in
that position, it means that they also have
a lot more accountability as well for all
of those people who are now under their
care.
So
as husbands,
Allah
has put greater responsibility,
has given somewhat greater authority, but also has
then that means there's also greater accountability
as well. So my brothers,
especially my brothers,
and I say this to myself as well
as a reminder, let us fear Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala when it comes to our dependence.
And, remember that oppression
is going to be darkness on the day
of judgment.
And there will be people,
you know, who will lose
all of their good deeds.
Right? All of their salah,
all of their sayam, all of their fasting.
Right? All of their umras and hajj, all
of their charity, like, all all the recitation
of, like, all the everything good that they
have done in terms of worship of Allah
because of the oppression and the wrong that
they committed against others.
Right? And the then the burden of that
is even
greater when those
these victims or the people you have wronged
or those who are close to you and
those that Allah have put under your care.
Right? So there is a huge,
you know, responsibility
here and a huge risk, frankly,
that comes with greater authority and greater power
that
there is this risk that we could actually
end up losing everything that we have done
in
our lives because we have wronged others.
So let us this let let this be
a reminder, my brothers, for myself and all
of us, that we must be extra careful.
Like, you'd rather be you'd rather on the
side of caution.
Be more careful
than risk
having this problem on the day of judgment
because of some worldly issues.
Right? It's a lot better, perhaps a bit
harder, but a lot better
to take the higher road
exert patience
and in this world
and make some sacrifices in this world than
to risk
the.
So that's the first thing.
That's there may be stress.
You know, your position as a leader of
the family may not be respected.
You know, things may not be as you
believe is best.
But remember that our responsibility
is to nurture,
to care,
to guide,
to make the right or the best decisions
in a positive manner.
Right? Allah
and his messenger
have ordained
for you to be kind
and to live with your family in a
positive
and a healthy way.
And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has also said
that if there is something that you dislike,
and this is actually a a a a
beautiful teaching for everyone, right? Whether it's men
or or women, but Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
has addressed us and said that if you
find something that you dislike,
there may be much good also that Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala has put in your spouse.
So look for that and focus on those.
Try to focus on the positives.
Right. Every single person is gonna have strengths
and is gonna have weaknesses.
So try to focus on that which is
good. And perhaps by focusing and encouraging that
which is good, you may be able to
overcome,
or they may be able to overcome
their weaknesses
and the areas where they're falling short. Right?
And this is actually human psychology. Right? So
if you wanna encourage someone, you wanna bring
positive development, positive change, encourage that, which is
good. Right? And once the goodness increases, it
will come to a point where it's able
to overshadow the weaknesses and the, the the
the struggles that a person may have. The
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam was the best role
model for all of us. We know that.
And through his life, the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam, he never hit anyone.
You know, when he was upset, what did
he do? He went away for a bit.
It's not like that he did not get
upset.
And there's even examples of struggles and tensions,
you know, between him salallahu
alaihi wasallam and the spouses. Right? And his
wives.
We know that. Right? But even in that
there is an example for us. There is
a lesson and there is a teaching for
us. Right? The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said
that I urge you
that I urge you
to treat
women
well. And the prophet also said that,
The believer with the most complete faith
is the one who is
or who has the best character, the one
with the best character.
And the best of you is the one
who is best
to women. Right? And in the final sermon,
of course, when and and and
the prophet is emphasizing,
matters of great inform of great importance.
And there as well, the prophet
says
fear Allah with regards to
women,
and treat them kindly. So the prophet
has given specific instructions, specific guidance
on this matter in addressing the men. And
even in cases of divorce right?
Almost no one gets, you know, divorced in
a situation where they're, you know, they're they're
happy and and they're they're they're pleased with
the situation. Right? Of course, it leads I
mean, it should be amicable as much as
possible.
But the point is that, you know, that
is the time when you would expect, you
know, that there is bitterness and there is
anger and there's frustration. And Allah says
even
then, Right? Do not hurt them. Do not
cause pain and suffering
in the course of separation and divorce. So
this is the guidance that Allah and his
messenger
have given to men. So if someone in
your family decides
not to follow your guidance that you have
given with hikmah
and love,
then they will face the consequences of that.
Right? That's why there's a day of judgment.
They will face the consequences of that. So
don't get into a situation where you go
overboard
or do something that causes you to suffer
the consequences as well. Right? So just know
our our our limit of responsibility,
our role, and you do your job in
a in a in a in a, you
know, d decent, respectable, wise manner, in a
loving manner. And then after that, if someone
doesn't want to listen, doesn't wanna follow, that's
between them and Allah Right? Like, we are
not held accountable
to to, you know, getting a complete, you
know, obedience and conformance. That's not that's not
your job.
And it's not just physical, but also verbal
psychological abuse is, of course, something which is
not acceptable as well. Sometimes people think, well,
you know, I haven't raised my hand. I
haven't hit anyone.
You know? But their words are perhaps even
more hurtful or or or or hurt longer
than
the the hurt that could be caused, you
know, physically. Right? That's not to say that
physical is okay, but the point is that
verbal, it can also be as hurtful, even
more hurtful than physical pain. But, brothers, if
I please ask you to come forward and
fill the gaps, please.
Yeah.
And we can open this door as well
so these brothers can,
can be part of the
Yeah. Try if you're able to sit as
you sit in salah, that would be ideal
because that way, you know, we you know
exactly how much space we have.
That being said, my brothers and sisters,
men are not always responsible.
Right? We are seeing an increase in family
violence, actual physical violence being committed by women
as well.
Right? And this is, of course, also unacceptable.
Right? Men have an example in the prophet
and women have an example in him and
in the wives,
in his wives as well.
And, again, I will say the same thing
that violence is never an option. Right? Whether
it's coming from a male or whether it
is coming from a female.
Neither is making false claims
against one spouse, you know, regarding abuse or
regarding character or anything else, which unfortunately also
happens.
Right? If I'm going to be realistic and
honest with you, those things also happen as
well. So for my sisters, fear Allah
as well and deal with your husband kindly
and justly.
You have rights,
and he has rights over you as well.
Both have been given by Allah
It's not a one way street for either
party. Right? Both have rights. Both have responsibilities.
And for both parties,
try to focus on pleasing the other. Try
to appreciate the goodness in the other. Try
to respect each other even, you know, if
you disagree at times, and have mercy and
compassion
towards one another. You know, it really amazes
me sometimes how, you know, we learn about
good character,
and we try to practice that outside of
our home
with colleagues, with neighbors, with friends. We smile.
We say, you know, we're we're kind and
we're understanding, and we make excuses for people.
We do all these good things.
But when we walk inside the home,
everything is gone.
Everything's forgotten.
Those things are even for inside the home
as well. Right? It's not exclusively for people
who are strangers who are outside, but perhaps
even more so inside the home and with
our close ones. Right? So try think how
you would deal with strangers in good ways,
and try to apply that inside the home
as well. And brothers and sisters, the consequences
of not following the guidance of Allah and
the example of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
are many. Some we see immediately, others we
see over a longer period of time. You
know, sometimes children don't want to be home
because there is violence between parents, and it's
not a pleasant place to be. They don't
want to be at home. They wanna go
away, far away from their parents.
Right? They want to run away from home.
Or perhaps when they grow older, they don't
want to marry. Why? Because they have only
seen negativities. So what's the point of marriage?
If this is what marriage is gonna be
about, then why should I get married?
If, you know, you're trying to encourage your
spouse or your children to become more closer
to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala to become more
practicing, become more religiously inclined, well, then guess
what? It has the opposite effect.
Right? They start losing their faith, and they
start turning away from Islam and perhaps can
even lead to misunderstanding or misrepresentation of Islamic
teachings. Right? It doesn't help the cause
in being abusive and being violent.
So violence and abuse and inflicting pain and
suffering within the home are not from the
teachings of Allah and his messenger
So this must be very clear, my brothers
and sisters. And if we diverge from this
path and these teachings, teachings, then there will
be all types of consequences. We ask Allah
to protect us all. We ask Allah to
strengthen the bonds of relationship. We ask Allah
to create love and peace
within our homes, and to make us among
those who
follow prophetic guidance in every
way, especially when dealing with our wives and
with our husbands
and our family members.
Take a few moments to offer us in
our prayers, and then we'll continue.