Shadee Elmasry – TWO THINGS You MUST DO to Avoid MARRIAGE REGRET
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the benefits of married relationships and the potential for mistakes and mistakes in life. They also touch on premarital classes and courses, as well as marriage and the concept of tension in relationships. The segment touches on elders' behavior and the potential for tension in relationships, as well as the concept of marriage and the potential for tension in relationships.
AI: Summary ©
The older you get, it's harder to get
married.
Sometimes you just, you know too much.
And even when you're younger, it's hard to
get married because you got too many choices.
This is a pistachio latte.
You ordered, let's say, an oat milk latte,
right?
An oat milk latte is great, but you
ordered a pistachio latte.
What do you do?
You give it back, right?
Because it wasn't what I asked for.
So our mentality in everything we do, there's
so many choices, right?
So many choices, too many choices.
You get your shirt custom-made.
There's about four kinds of collars.
Buttons, no buttons.
A lapel inside so you could stick those
little sticks inside or not.
The amount of choices you have in every
walk of life is insane.
When you get married, your mind blows up,
right?
They're having trouble getting married for this reason.
That's why I think this is a decision.
Your mind will never compute it properly.
Take it to istikhara and istishara, right?
It's not you're saying suspend your will altogether,
but you really need to do.
Just don't you want to ask Allah, Oh
Allah, you decide for me.
You know Allah is going to decide the
best for you, right?
He was going to decide what is best
for you long term and is not painful
short term, right?
That's what Allah is going to choose for
you.
He's going to choose the best overall decision.
He's going to choose in consideration of the
future you don't know about.
You don't know if this person can produce
kids or not, right?
Two kids, 24, 25, never been around with
anybody.
They don't know if they have medical problems.
So you're going to choose and think all
this stuff.
The most important thing is unknowable to you.
You don't know what the kids are going
to look like.
You don't know how she's going to parent.
You don't know how he's going to parent.
You don't know how he's going to react
to economic trouble.
He can break.
He might be the strongest guy now but
he's never been tested.
He cracks under pressure.
The rest of your life is misery.
There are these moments in people's lives where
they either crack under pressure or they regroup
themselves, clear their head, smack themselves up a
little bit, wash their face, make wudu, pray
two rakahs, and face the world again.
This happens all the time to people.
You either crack or you react, right?
So, I know another guy who he said
he'll never be able to marry again.
He's too clever.
He's too wise.
He knows all the different personality types.
He knows it.
But that person, he needs to submit it
all to Allah.
Okay, this person is here.
Pray a lot of istikhara.
Every nafila, make it istikhara.
Ask righteous people to do istikhara for you.
Istikhara is just du'a.
The du'a is, if this is a
good decision, oh Allah, make it easy.
If it's a bad decision, make it impossible.
If it's the wrong decision.
And then do istikhara and don't overuse your
brain.
I think a lot of young people, when
they're going out looking to get married, they're
optimizing for perfection.
You've been married a long time.
I've been married a while.
You don't get into it thinking that everything's
going to be perfect.
And then you realize over time that there's
going to be different points where you're going
to have to grow and adapt.
But that's with any other thing you do.
You don't go into a job and expect
it to be the perfect job.
You're going to have a boss you're not
going to like once in a while.
So why is it any different in this
domain?
And then people, because of this thing in
the back of their heads, they put off
marriage for such a long time.
And then you end up in this phase
where now you've only got two options left
or three options left.
So your pool is shrinking.
And at some point, you're going to not
get perfection.
It's just a matter of when do you
want...
The pool is always shrinking as time goes
on.
And let me tell you, let me put
it this way for you.
There are people, they go to opposite ways
in life.
When the pain hits and the trouble hits,
they become nasty, their spirituality is gone, their
character is gone.
Everything about them is trash, is revealed.
You don't know this before you get married.
That's why the most intelligent thing for a
person to do is say, Oh Allah, my
mind can never compute whether this is good
or bad for me.
I may desire the person.
I may not desire the person.
But now that it's in front of me,
I have to ask Allah Ta'ala with
istikhara and istishara.
Istishara, there are...
The elders can know more about a person
than you.
Right?
Keep in mind, we live in a society
that sort of looks down on elders.
Elders can look at a person and say,
this person is full of good character within
a shorter span than you.
I had many, many friends.
My dad said, he's good, but that other
one, stay away from him, don't be friends.
Actually, my dad was never that diplomatic.
He said, that one's trash.
Right?
This guy's trash.
This guy's a dropout.
He's good.
Right?
That's how the old...
The old generation is like that.
They don't play this diplomacy stuff.
They're just trash.
Right?
And he's good.
Right?
But, he would say that, and I don't
see how he's saying that.
I don't see where he's saying it.
To me, he's a cool kid.
Right?
And he's good at stuff.
But my dad, and the elders who are
sharp, would say, okay, just the way he
talks, the way he treats his dad, he
knows everything about him within a short period
of time.
Women are going to know that about wives.
Women are going to know about women.
And guys are going to know that about
other guys.
Just like I said the story yesterday, and
by the way, might as well, since we're
talking about...
We're going to be talking about marriage a
lot.
We have a premarital program that has launched
called Starboard.
If you are engaged, getting engaged, sign up
so that you can get educated before you
go into something without knowledge.
So it's premarital classes and courses that you
can sign up for as soon as you
get engaged at starboardmarriage.com.
Postmarital as well.
So they know better.
That's what we call istishara.
Men would know men.
Women know women.
A woman who's 50 years old, how many
girls has she been around in her life?
How many girls has she seen?
She doesn't have to be smart.
How many girls has she seen?
Her gut will tell her when something's wrong.
She's seen a lot of women.
She knows what good women look like and
how they behave, how they look at you.
Same with guys.
You can sort of tell when someone's normal
and someone's shady, someone's iffy.
Istishara is asking the elders.
We're living in a society that looks down
on the elders.
That is a stupid society.
That's a stupid society.
The only difference between the elder and the
youth is that the older guy does not
look as great as the youth, but he's
10 times smarter.
It's going to be really interesting.
Everyone in Jenna is 33 years old.
Like me, my dad, my grandfather.
All the way.
We're all 33.
We're all equals now.
It's going to be a weird feeling, right?
Have you ever read the book Anti-Fragile?
Yeah.
Remind me about that.
You know that concept he talks about?
I guess he calls it the Lindy concept,
where something that's been around a while will
continue to be around a while, meaning the
wheel, it's been around for 3,000 years.
It's going to be around for another 3
,000 years.
The iPhone, it's been around 20 years.
It's maybe going to last another 20, max.
You could apply that to...
It's not a direct corollary, but apply it
to knowledge and wisdom.
There you go.
There's a reason to think that that knowledge
that has marinated inside of a person's head
for 30 or 40 years, it's going to
be a little bit more solid.
It's going to be a little bit more
thought out.
Whereas you think about a young person, they
learn something new, they think they're an expert
in that thing, and then two weeks later,
they're an expert in something else.
And they turn out to be wrong about
both.
Yeah, and then 40, 50 years later, they
start to get a little bit wise, right?
That's how it is.
The idea is that the elder is not
trying to oppress you.
That's how the West sells it.
They sell it that the Eastern elder is
just oppressing all the time and taking away
your freedom.
When someone wants to drive off a cliff,
that's not freedom, right?
That's stupidity.
Who do you do Istishara with?
There is no value in doing Istishara with
your buddies.
They're as ignorant as you.
Istishara, if you want to marry a woman,
go ask some of the older ladies who
would know this person and their family and
know something about it.
You're not going to go ask your friend,
right?
If anything, he's the last guy to ask.
He might want her too, right?
Bump you off.